Hilarious Celebrate Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.
I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.
It's my thirty-second birthday.
An artist is commissioned to create a painting to celebrate Soviet-Polish relations...
to be entitled 'Lenin in Poland'.
Around a month later the artist unveils his painting to a crowd of Soviet dignitaries, and it is greeted by gasps of disgust
The painting depicts Lenin's wife in bed with Leonid Trotsky
One of the assembled guests asks 'But where is Lenin?'
To which the artist replied, 'Lenin's in Poland'
A husband and wife celebrate their 30th anniversary
That night, the wife comes out of the bathroom n**... and starts playing with her n**....
"What did you think the first time you saw these 30 years ago?"
"I wanna to s**... them dry," he says.
She crawls onto the bed, "What did you think when you saw all this 30 years ago?"
"I wanted to screw your brains out, baby," he says with a smile.
She giggles, teasingly, "What are you thinking now?"
"I think I did a pretty good job at both."
Dinner with my wife
I took my (now ex) wife to dinner to "celebrate" yet another anniversary. After drinking quite a bit I raised my glass and said:
"I love you and I can't imagine life without you"
She asked "Is that you or the wine talking?" and I told her
"That's me talking to the wine"
It says......
Deep in the chambers of the monastery Father Seamus is transcribing scripture. As Father Ignatius walks by he sees Father Seamus sobbing uncontrollably. "Father Seamus! What ever could be troubling you so!!??!!" said Father Ignatius.
Father Seamus, wiping his tears, says: "It says CELEBRATE."
I got a divorce for my birthday.
When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.
We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends.
I was sitting on the couch n**....
Cultural Diversity--True Story
When I was six I learned about Hanukkah in school. My teacher told me, "Christians celebrate Christmas, and Jews celebrate Hanukkah."
That night I was waiting in line at Hometown Buffet with my family and asked Mom why the restaurant would be closed for Christmas.
"It's so that the people who work here can spend Christmas with their families." She said.
In a loud, excited voice I piped up, "BUT COULDN'T THEY GET SOME JEWS TO WORK HERE?"
We never went back.
So to celebrate the Halloween season...
... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.
Book of Dad Jokes [X-Post with DadJokes]
A father and his son are having drinks at a bar to celebrate the birth of the son's first child.
The dad hands his son a thick, leather bound book and says, "son, this book is a collection of the world's greatest dad jokes. Now that you're a father, it's time that I passed it on to you."
The son gets a little teary and says, "oh, Dad, I'm touched." The father responds, "Nice to meet you Touched, I'm Dad."
A bunch of blondes are celebrating in a bar
Everytime the bartender brings a round they all get up cheering;
10 DAYS---10 DAYS
After the third round the bartender inquires as to what the celebration is all about,
So, one of the blonde says, "We made a puzzle in 10 days"
"10 days? That's not really something to celebrate about",
OH YEAH, well it did say 2 to 4 years on the box!!!
You can explore celebrate congratulate reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean celebrate christmas dad jokes. There are also celebrate puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Sunday in church after St. Patrick's Day
It was a sunday after St. Patrick's day in the church of a small village in the west of Ireland. Obviously all the people were more or less hungover, which infuriated the pastor of the village.
"It's a disgrace how we celebrate our most important saint by indulging in binge drinking and other improper activities. If I could have all the wine in the world, I would throw it in the river!"
There was a wave of murmur among the churchgoers.
"If I could have all the beer in the world, I would throw it in the river as well!"
The people put their heads down in guilt, thinking about what they had done.
"If I could have all the SPIRITS in the world, I would throw them in the river with the beer and the wine!"
Now the church was completely silent.
After a short while, the musical conductor of the church spoke up, "Now let us sing hymn number 369, *'Shall We Gather at the River?'*"
---
I heard this story from the ambassador of Ireland in Finland.
Not only is it daylight savings time today, but also Int'l Women's Day.
Because apparently a full 24 hours to celebrate women would have been just a bit much.
An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend...
An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend are about to celebrate their one year anniversary. She wants to do something special for him that night, and decides that she wants to go down on him, but alas has no experience. She asks her friend for advice, who then hands her a banana and says "Here, practice with this."
Sure enough, the blonde girls peels the banana and goes to town on it like a d**... professional. Her friend says "See, you're doing great! Don't change a thing!"
The next day the blonde's friend calls her up, eager to hear how everything went. "How did everything go?" She asks.
The blonde says "Pretty great. Didn't know there would be that much screaming and blood though."
"Blood?" Her friend asks, "Where did the blood come from?"
"The peeling."
I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 239 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th...
Because I know how to reduce fractions unlike the rest of you morons.
Russia might not celebrate thanksgiving but I'm pretty sure they will be frying a turkey.
To celebrate Star Wars we baked some "Wookie Cookies".
They were a little on the Chewy side.
My wife saw her ex high school boyfriend, drunk in the street. She said he started drinking when she broke up with him after graduation decades ago. I said....
....Impressive. .. I've never seen anyone celebrate that long before.
My co-worker is getting married today, 2/29/2016.
He figured this way he would only have to celebrate his wedding anniversary once every four years.
I celebrate 4/20
On 1/5
Simplify your fractions!
How does Kylo Ren celebrate Father's Day?
Solo
How does Google celebrate its birthday?
With a search party.
A teenage boy goes up to his father
"Father I am not a v**... anymore"
Father: "Wow that's great! Lets sit down and drink something celebrate about this moment"
Son: "Ok, I can drink with you but I can't sit"
Why don't the Bulgarians, Greeks, and Armenians celebrate Thanksgiving?
Because they don't like Turkey.
How did the programmer celebrate his birthday?
var celebration = ["Hip", "Hip"];
I'm devastated that I won't be able to celebrate my birthday this March
I was born in November
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
(As told by "Jackie chan" while cooking my lunch on the hibachi grill)
Today in the UK we celebrate the 4th of July.
The day the average IQ of the British Empire jumped 100 points with a single signature.
Why don't they celebrate New Year's Eve in the Middle East?
Cause there's no one left when the clock hits zero
My sister turns 42 on Monday
Considering it's a weeknight and we have kids and all, I told her not to get her hopes up.
"As it is," I say, "we'll only celebrate it for less than a minute."
When she asked what the heck I was talking about, I reminded her: "This is your forty-second birthday."
I celebrate Halloween in August
When you show up at someone's door at night in August with a mask on, you get better stuff.
In London this Christmas one in 5 children will not get a gift from Santa
One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas dinner with their parents
One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas tree in their house
This is not a message from the Salvation Army or unicef for you to donate
One in every 5 kids in London is a Muslim and they don't celebrate Christmas
How does North Korea celebrate Christmas?
With missile tows
My black friend told me I can't celebrate Martin Luther King Day because I am white
If that's true, then he can't celebrate Father's Day.
Did you know, the k**... were actually the first people to celebrate black history month?
If they saw you, and you were black, you were history.
Reminiscing on our anniversary
My wife and I just had our 10th anniversary. We had some friends over to celebrate with and they asked us to talk about how we met. On our first 8 dates we just went out to different restaurants, but the next time we got tickets to see the premiere of The Dark Knight.
So I guess we could summarize our dating history as dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!
I'm turning 32 in a few months and I'm kinda depressed about it. I only get to celebrate my birthday for half a minute....
It's my thirty second birthday...
A man is in a mental hospital because he believes himself to be a seed.
He is treated for years by one of the world's best psychiatrists. After 6 years, he finally becomes convinced that he is not, in fact, a seed. There is a party to celebrate his release from the hospital.
A chicken shows up to the party. The man freezes and slowly starts to inch behind a nearby tree. His psychiatrist notices and sighs: "I thought you were over this. You are not a seed, remember?"
The man replies: "look, you know that I am not a seed. I know that I am not a seed. But does the chicken know?"
Son proudly tells Dad : Dad, I lost my virginity!
Dad : That's my boy! Let's sit down and celebrate this!
Son: I can't sit down it kinda hurts..
I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes
I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year
People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on...
Canada Day was yesterday!
This 4th of July, the British should celebrate Independence Day too.
Now they feel like they dodged a bullet.
Why do hackers celebrate Christmas on Halloween?
Because Oct31 = Dec25
The CDC recommends that f**... gatherings be limited to 30 people and holiday gatherings be limited to 6 people.
f**... proceedings for Gobbles the turkey will be held on November 26th and again on December 25th. Please bring beer to celebrate his life.
I successfully quit my job as an animator without making a scene, so I had a party to celebrate...
and everybody brought gifs.
I asked my daughter if she knew what today was.
To my suprise she said presidents day.
I asked her if she knew why we celebrate presidents day.
She said that its the day the president walks out of the white house and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of bull s**....
I tried watching LGBT movies to celebrate Pride month
but I need to pay extra for LGBT Plus
Paleontologists are having a party to celebrate unearthing the largest ever dinosaur Tibia.
It's going to be quite the shindig.
As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th and final season...
I would LOVE to congratulate myself for never watching a single episode.
What's an occasion they you only celebrate for half a minute?
Your thirty-second birthday.
a Cake Day joke
I always wondered why my wife brings me cake when we have s**.......
Turns out she likes to celebrate the little things.
TodayI discovered that Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween...
I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors
Bob is about to celebrate his 30th anniversary
Bob wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. That night he emailed her, but misspelled the address, and it goes to a recent widow.
The next day, the widow's son finds Her passed out in front of her computer. On the screen is this email:
My darling wife, I've just gotten here and everything is set for your arrival tomorrow. I hope the trip down great will be as pleasant as mine.
P.S. It's really hot!
Last week paleontologists found the largest dinosaur tibia ever uncovered.
They had a big party to celebrate. I heard it was quite the shin dig.
Did you know that people who celebrate Ramadan can still have McDonalds?
Really - that's because it's fastfood
I just found out that Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't like random strangers showing up at their door.
What did the Saudi man say to celebrate their unlikely World Cup victory?
A. Great execution!
Why do capitalists celebrate Easter?
They love when prophets rise.
Christians who celebrate Hannukah
Are in the menorahty.
The Enterprise-D had just accomplished a major Starfleet mission, so the crew went to celebrate at Ten Forward. Captain Picard and Chief O'Brien were chosen to give the toasts.
First O'Brien gave his toast; "May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live."
Next Picard gave his toast; "Cinnamon, eggs, bread and maple syrup."
The bartender, Guinan, admired O'Brien's toast, but was absolutely confused by Picard's.
So O'Brien explained, "As you all know, I'm from Ireland, so I gave a traditional Irish toast."
And Picard explained, "And as you all know, I'm from France..."
We celebrate Christmas early in our household.
We have to, I'm usually s**... by noon.
Our soccer team is not too good. In the game today, the opposing team hit the bar twice in the first half.
They could have at least waited till the end of the game to celebrate.
How did Elon Musk celebrate 420?
With SpaceX going up in smoke.
