Celeb Jokes

Chuck Norris gives Freddy Krueger nightmares.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Professor X is on a wheelchair.

Q: If Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton participated in a spelling contest, who would win?
A: Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that "harass" is one word.

Three boys walk through the woods and suddenly hear cries for help.

They follow the sound to the lake and see George W. Bush drowning.
The boys jump into the water and drag him to shore.
Bush asks the boys how he can repay them.
The first boy says, "I want a boat."
The second boy says, "I want a truck."
The third boy says, "I want a nice tombstone."
Bush asks, "Why is that?"
The boy says, "Because when my dad finds out I helped save you, he's going to kill me."

Bruce Wayne first tried wearing a Chuck Norris mask to inspire fear, until he saw himself in the mirror.
He immediately changed to the Batman

The Mona Lisa is smiling because Chuck Norris let her live.

Ozzy Ozbourne once bit the head off a bat.

Not one to be outdone, Chuck Norris bit the head off Batman!

Chuck Norris and Justin Bieber once had a singing contest, the loser had to never hit puberty.

Uri Geller bends spoons with his mind, Chuck Norris bends minds with a spoon.

Chuck Norris once donated blood to a man, hes' known as Super Man.

Obama's health care plan won't cover injuries caused by a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face.

Nobody would survive anyway.

Voldemort refers to Chuck Norris as he who shall not be named.

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers.

Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.
"Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.
"I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce.
"I'll play him."
"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg.
"Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.
"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

Bill Gates and Jim Cannavino from IBM are arguing about the future of 32-bit operating systems.

They decide to throw a coin.
Cannavino: "If the number is up, OS/2 will be the new standard, if it’s head Windows95 will be the new standard."
Gates: "Hey, you forgot Windows NT."
Cannavino: "No, I didn’t. If the coin falls on end, Windows NT will be the future."

I hear Taylor Swift's ex boyfriends are collabing on a new single called "Maybe You're The Problem".

I think Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it "Bang".

I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."

I unfollowed Taylor Swift on Twitter...
I'm sure she's gonna write a song about it.

Taylor swift: so he calls me up and he's all like "I still love you" and I'm like.

..
Wait, is this Connor, Patrick, Joe, Luca, Taylor, John, Cory, Toby, Jake, Garret, Eddie, or Harry?

Me: I just bought Tupacs of Eminems for 50 Cents.
Friend: That's Ludacris. How kanye west your money like that?

All these Miley Cyrus jokes are whoreable.

Grandma: "Why is that dumb piece of cotton candy talking."
Me: "Grandma, thats Nikki Minaj."

Justin Bieber puked on stage.
That settles it, she's pregnant.

How did Nicki Minaj know what Lil Wayne is giving her for Christmas?
Lil Wayne isn't very good at wrapping.

If I could bring one dead person back to life I'd bring back Walt Disney.
Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction...

First Michael Jackson and now Neil Armstrong...
God is clearly no fan of moonwalkers.

If kim kardashian was a donut wat kind would she be?
Chocolate filled.

Lebron better than Jordan?
Ha! Yea right.
Talk to me when Lebron saves the looney tunes from an alien race.

Gordan Ramsey:Theres more smoke in this kitchen than snopp dogg tour bus.

I watched Justin Bieber get shot in CSI and my brother asked "Why are you crying?"
I said "Because he didn't die in real life"

Priest: Kim, do you take Kanye to be your lawfully wedded husband to love and cherish?
Kim: I..
*Kanye grabs mic*
Kanye: She do.

Stevie Wonder recently told his wife that he wants to see other people.

Everytime a someone tells me my jokes are funny, I say, "Thanks! I got more lines than Whitney Huston's coffee table.".

Apparently Neil Armstrong use to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and followed them up with "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

Growing up, Samuel L. Jackson didn't have a mother and a father.
He had a mother and a motherf*cker.

Newton's 3rd Law never applies to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has proven Newton's third law of physics, there is no force equal to a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick.

Leonardo DiCaprio only starred in Inception because if he didn't, Chuck Norris will enter his dream and roundhouse kick him into limbo.

o**... Bin Laden is hiding from Chuck Norris.

Steve Jobs was an amazing man.
He will live in my hard drive forever!

The only reason o**... Bin Laden is dead is because they finally let Chuck Norris into Pakistan...

Chuck Norris has heard the actual voice of Charlie Brown's teacher...

Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?
Yeah... now he has no ears.

How do you know a man is really a bad dancer?
When he can still step on Dolly Parton's toes.

Stevie Wonder was the last person to stare Chuck Norris directly in the eyes...

Columbus may have discovered America, but after a conversation with Chuck Norris it was decided, Chuck Norris discovered America.

Chuck Norris once encountered the men in black and he still remembers it.

Chuck Norris does Rachel Marron's work.

Yo'Mama is so s**..., she threw a baseball at Batman.

Angelina Jolie can curve a bullet. Chuck Norris can curve a laser.

Q: What' is Hillary Clinton favorite movies?
A: Kill BILL 1 and 2.

Q: Why is Michael Jackson addicted to pain killers?
A: To stop him from going OW OW OW!

Chuck Norris became famous when he coached the American rugby and America won the fifa world cup.

Yo Momma so fat and ugly that when she applied to become a movie star she got the part "Godzilla".

When somebody is totally angry, why not say:
"Yes, young Skywalker. Come over to the dark side of the Force."

Q: What explorer was the best at Hiding and Seek?
A: Marco Polo.

Q: How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?
A: He was very thinkful.

There's a rumor that Steve Jobs, has been a Buddhist, has been reincarnated as a factory worker on a sweatshop assembly line in China.

Bruce Lee didn't die from an allergic reaction.
He died cause Chuck Norris decided to not let him live anymore.

The wrecking ball in the Miley Cyrus video isn't a wrecking ball it's one of Chuck Norris t**....

Chuck Norris ate once at Hard Rock Cafe.
It's now called Shakey's.

How are you going to celebrate 9-11?

I go to the tallest tower in my city. Call up a pizza place and order two large planes.

So to celebrate the Halloween season...

... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.

What did the celebrity say to the tabloid?

"You discussed me!"

Celebrity Big Brother viewing figures have already increased by 800k since Katie Price entered the house.

That's because all her ex's are now watching.

Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?

Reese, with her spoon

Celebrating good friday by honoring Jesus

aka doing the same thing he did today and hanging with my Bros.

I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th...

Because I know how to reduce fractions unlike the rest of you morons.

Why do celebrities want to be Arctic sea-ice?

Because it's getting younger, thinner and more media attention year after year.

Who celebrates thanksgiving in Canada?

All the turkeys that made it across the border.

To celebrate this Valentine's Day beat your wife...

In a friendly race down to the mall.

To celebrate Star Wars we baked some "Wookie Cookies".

They were a little on the Chewy side.

I'm celebrating international women's day by not having my wife make me a sandwich today.

I'm going to Subway and having Rachel make it instead.

I celebrate 4/20

On 1/5
Simplify your fractions!

Celebrity Deaths would scare Stevie Wonder.

But he would never see death coming.

How do you celebrate Christopher Columbus day?

Barge into your neighbor's home and claim it as yours.

We're celebrating Thanksgiving the old fashioned way at my place this year

By inviting our neighbors over to eat and then killing them and taking their land

Who celebrated his Bar Mitzvah in the Old West?

Billy the y**....

Just when you think the celebrity deaths are done for 2016,

Wham! there's one more.

To celebrate the new year, the UK set off tonnes of fireworks in London. GF: this is such a waste of money. There are homeless people and people starving, and the government pay for this!

Me: yes, but blowing them up would be wrong.

Celebrating birthdays is good

Numerous studies say that people who celebrate more birthdays live for longer