Ceiling Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Ceiling puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Ceiling

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"

"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night"

The man sits and thinks it over, and a couple minutes later the bartender asks if he wants to have a go.

"Nah, the steaks are too high"

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

A guy walks into a bar...

He sees 2 steaks nailed to the ceiling. He asks the bartender, "What's up with those two steaks?"
The bartender replies,
"if you can jump up and take those two steaks from the ceiling, I'll give you $1,000,000, if not, I'll cut your arms off."
The guy then replies,
"I won't do it, the stakes are too high."

What's red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

This was my grandfathers all time favorite joke.

Pop Pop: What's red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

Me: I don't know...

Pop Pop: A Red dingle dangle of course!


Pop Pop: What's green and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

Me: A green dingle dangle!

Pop Pop: No they only come in Red.

Me: :|

A man walks into a bar

and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender what the deal was about:

"Anyone who can jump up and slap the meat earns free drinks for the rest of the night", the bartender answered. "But, if you miss you pay everyone else's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to try?"

The man thought about it for a moment, and then answers:

"Nah, the stakes are too high."

A man walks into a butchers...

The man says to the butcher "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher replies "Yes, you could say that." The man says "Okay then, I bet you $100 you can't reach that meat you've got hanging from the ceiling up there." The Butcher looks up and says "No sorry" The man says "I thought you said you were a gambling man, why not?" The butcher answers. "The steaks are too high."

I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it's the best ceiling in the world,

but it's definitely up there.

I like my ceiling.

It's not the best, but it's up there.

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. You don't need a lightbulb when you have a glass ceiling.

What's the difference between a hooker, your girlfriend, and your wife?

When you're having sex a hooker says "are you done yet?" Your girlfriend says "you're done already?" And your wife says "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb

None. Who needs a lightbulb when there's a glass ceiling.

A man from out of town walks into a bar...

he sees large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why the meat is hanging down from the ceiling. The bartender says "Around these parts we have a challenge. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get it for free. If you can't you have to pay the price of the meat but you don't get it. How about taking the bet?" The man looks up at the meat. "Nah" He says. "The steaks are too high.

Looking at my ceiling and ya know, I'm not saying it's the greatest ceiling in the world...

But it's up there.

A man walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling

The guy asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drink for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies, "Nah the steaks are too high".

My ceiling may not be the best ceiling in the world.

But it's up there.

So a guy walks into a bar and sees three steaks taped to the ceiling....

He then asks the bartender why are there three steaks taped to the ceiling? The bartender says well you get one shot, if you jump up and touch one of the steaks then you get free drinks for the rest of the day, however if you miss, you must buy everyone else's drinks for the next hour. The guy ponders for a minute and then says, I would do it, but the stakes are too high.

If there's one thing that makes me throw up

It's a dart board on a ceiling

Dude walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

...He asked the bartender, "What are those for?" Bartender answers, "If you can slap a piece of meat, you get free drinks for an hour. If you can't, everyone's drinks are on you. Do you want to try it?"

He replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."

Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...

... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal.

The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?"

So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show you." And he leads his friend to the mouth of the cave.

"See that big rock there?" He asks.

The other bat nods.

"I didn't."

A man walks into a steakhouse

A man walks into a steakhouse and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling.

"What's with the meat?" he asks the hostess.

She says, "It's a contest we are running. If you can jump up and grab a piece, your entire meal is free."

"And what if I miss?"

"Then you need to buy everyone in the restaurant a drink. Do you want to try?"

He looks up again.

"No, the steaks are too high."

I was watching a tv show about the worlds best ceiling...

And I realised that mine wasn't the best, but it was definitely up there.

A man walks into a bar

He notices some pieces of meat hanging down from the ceiling. He goes up to the bartender and asks "What's with the meat on the ceiling?"

Bartender:"It's a challenge. If you can jump up and touch one, you get free beer for a night."


Man:"Nah, pass".
Bartender: "What? Why not?"

Man:"The steaks are too high"

What's the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife?

A prostitute says "Faster, faster!"
A girlfriend says "More, more!"
A wife says "Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, "If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar Β£100. Do you want to have a go?"
The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, "Nah, the steaks are too high!"

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.

Complete waste of money. All he does is stand there applauding and saying he loves how smooth it is.

How do you start an Ethiopian rave?

Tape a piece of bread to the ceiling.

A man walks into a bar with his buddies and sees three steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He asks the bartender "Why are there three steaks hanging from the ceiling?"

The bartender replies "It's a contest sort of thing, actually. If you can jump and slap one of the steaks, you and your buddies get free drinks for the night. If not, you have to pay for everyone in the bar's drinks for the next hour. Wanna give it a try?"

The man thinks for a few minutes and makes his decision.

"Bartender, as much as my buddies and I would like free drinks, the stakes are just too high."

A man goes to a store to buy groceries.

When he gets to the Butchery, he asks for three steaks.
The butcher asks if he'd like to play a game, after which the man replies that he would.
The butcher climbs a ladder up to the ceiling, easily 9 or 10 feet, and hangs them on hooks up there.
When he climbs down, the butcher says "If you can jump up and get all of your steaks in 3 tries, all of your groceries are free."
The man asks, "What's the catch?"
The butcher replies, "If you fail to get the steaks in three tries, you have to pay for your groceries and those of the man behind you in line."
After some consideration, the man replies "No."
The butcher asks, "Why not?"
The man simply replies "The stakes are too high."

Two factory workers are talking.

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"


The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."


The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."


The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"


The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

What's the difference between a hooker, a girlfriend and a wife?

A hooker says "that's all", a girlfriend says "is that all?" and a wife says "blue. I think I'll paint the ceiling blue."

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks "So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?" The customer quickly responds with a "No". "Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The stakes are too high".

A doctor checks on two roommates in an insane asylum...

He walks into their room to find one man hanging upside down from the ceiling fan by his feet. The other man sits below him, putting together wooden blocks.

The doctor asks, "How are you two doing?"

The man on the floor says, "Oh, I'm building a castle. Don't mind that guy up there, he's okay but a little crazy, thinks he's a lightbulb."

"Well, let's get him down before he hurts himself."

The sitting man stares back in shock. "And work in the *dark*?!"

Need a Break!

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that I would do something crazy. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office....

When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked him, "And where do you think you're going?"

He replied, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark!"

A daughter is seemingly possessed by a demon...

Her mother frantically calls their priest, requesting an exorcism. She describes the details "She has been spinning about wildly, climbing on the walls, running on the ceiling.. moving about non-stop!" The priest replies "I don't know what you want me to do. Sounds like she's already exercising plenty!"

My Grandpa told me this joke when I was 16... It took me a few years to understand it.

How do you get a black man to stop jumping on the bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.

What's the difference between a hooker, a girlfriend, and a housewife?

Hooker: Are you done yet?
Girlfriend: You're done already?
Housewife: The ceiling needs to be painted.

How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?

Nail a piece of toast to the ceiling.

What's the stupidest joke you know?

Here's mine:

A panda walks into a bar and orders his food and drinks. When he's done, the panda gets up and pulls out a gun, which he then shoots into the ceiling. He promptly leaves.
The next day, the panda goes into the same bar, at which point the bartender says, "Hey! You can't come in here after what you did yesterday, you didn't even pay!"
To which the panda says, "bartender, look up the definition of a panda in the dictionary."
The bartender opens his dictionary to "panda" and reads aloud, "panda - eats shoots and leaves."

What's the difference between mass and weight?

Mass is where Catholics go on Sunday, and weight is where sundaes go on Catholics.

(From a poster on the ceiling in my dentists office)

A man walks into a bar..

A man walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling, about 12 feet high. He asks the bartender, Why are there these steaks hanging from the ceiling? . The bartender then replies, We have this challenge where of you can jump and hit one of the meats, you drink for free tonight, but if you miss, you have to buy drinks for everyone else in the bar. Wanna give it a try?

The man then replies, Nah, the steaks are too high

Drink for free

A man walks into a bar. The bartender says, How'd you like to drink for free?"
The man, obviously interested, replies, "Of course! What do I gotta do?"
The bar tender says, "See those pieces of meat hangin' from the ceiling over there? If you can reach up and give 'em a good slap without goin' up on yer toes, or jumpin', or nuthin the drinks are on the house."
The man quietly refuses. Shaking his head, he orders a beer and reaches for his wallet.
The bartender, stumped, asks the man why he won't even try.
The man curtly replies, "Sorry, but the steaks are too high."

How do you stop a black guy from jumping on a bed?

Put velcro on the ceiling.

A man dies and goes to heaven...

He goes up to the gates of heaven and sees a wall of clocks. He asks an angel, "what are all those clocks" the angel tells him that they are lie clocks. Everybody has one, and every time you lie it ticks one notch over. The angel points to a clock labeled "Abraham Lincoln" which has 3 lies. The man asks the angel "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" The angel replies "Its in Jesus's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

A man walks into a bar

and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"

The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."

"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"

"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers. "Do you want to try?"

"No, but thanks anyway."

"Why not?", asks the barman.

"The steaks are too high."

A panda walks into a cΓ‘fe.

He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and unloads it into the ceiling.

Why? Asks the confused waiter, as the panda starts leaving. He tosses a wildlife manual over his shoulder.

I'm a panda, he says at the door, look it up.

The waiter flips to the page about pandas, and it says, Panda. Large black and white bear-like animal native to China. Eats, Shoots, and leaves





Credits: Eats, Shoots, and Leaves

So there was an abandoned church...

and few nuns get sent over to clean it up a bit and restore its former glory. As they were painting the ceiling, one of them says, "Sisters, it is VERY hot in here, and we're working so feverishly, and i really don't want to get any paint on our robes. What say you, we just strip down, and finish this paint job in our birthday suits. This church has been abandoned for years, and even if somebody comes, we can always throw our robes back on in a second." The other nuns agree.

A few minutes later there's a knock on the door. One of the nuns looks through the mail slot and sees a man standing there. So she says "Who is it?" and the man answers "I'm the blind man."

Relieved the nun opens the door, and the man walks in and says "Nice hooters. Where do you want these blinds?"

I was watching tv last night...

and one of those ads came on with one of those little black African babies covered in flies. I immediately grabbed the phone and called the number on the screen. I had to have one, they work so much better than those sticky strips that hang from the ceiling.

I was watching TV last night...

When an advertisement came on showing one of those African babies covered in flies.I immediately ran for the phone and rang the number that came up on the screen.
"I want one of those", I said,"they work much better than those sticky strips I hang from my ceiling".

What is the difference between a wife and a mistress?

The mistress says "Oh darling! That was *wonderful*!"

The wife says "Beige. I think we'll paint the ceiling beige."

A man walks into a bar,

And sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. Thinking this is rather odd, he goes over to the bartender and asks about the meat on the ceiling.

The bartender tells him, "if you can jump and touch any piece of meat up there, you get free drinks for the night. If, however, you miss, you have to buy rounds for everyone in the bar."

The man looks up at the meat, then back at the bartender, then around the room at all the hopeful faces, and finally says to the bartender,

"I think I'll pass, the steaks are too high"

A man died and went to heaven

As St. Peter showed him around,Β he couldn't help but notice all the clocks on the wall. So, being curious, he asked "What are all of these clocks for?" "Those are lie clocks. Each person on earth has one, and when you lie, the hands move. This one is mother Teresa's. It's never moved, showing that she's never lied. This is abe Lincoln's. It's moved twice showing he had told only two lies."Β 

"That's incredible" said the man

"Where's Trump's?" he asked

"Oh it's in God's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

What is black and is stuck to a ceiling?

A not very good electrician...

Girlfriends, wives, and hookers, and the differences between them.

Hookers say "Are you done yet?"
Girlfriends say "Are you done already?"
Wives say "Tan, we should paint the ceiling tan."

What does a ceiling fan say?

Go ceiling! You're number 1!

What noise does a ceiling fan make?

GO CEILING!!! WHOOOHOOO!!!! YOUR NUMBER ONE!! YAY, CEILING RULES!!!

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

How do you start a rave in Africa?

Glue toast to the ceiling.

What the Girlfriend, the Mistress and the Wife say

Girlfriend: Are you done already?

Mistress: Are you done yet?

Wife: Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige...

How do you start a rave in Israel?

You stick a quarter to the ceiling

Memory Test

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"

The man thought for a moment and answered, "274."

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

The third man quickly answers, "Nine."

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

A short man walks into a bar

Upon walking in, something drips on him from the ceiling. He looks up and sees a piece of steak. He asks the bartender why there's a steak on the ceiling.

The bartender tells him if he could jump up and touch the steak, he gets free drinks for the rest of the night. If he misses, he pays for everyone's drink.

The man looks at the steak, then back at the bartender and says....

'The steaks are too high.'

I don't get why women keep complaining about this "glass ceiling"

Where I work we have this cool glass floor, though.

I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling cause

it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.

My downstairs neighbor was yelling and banging on the ceiling until 3 AM

Did that bother you?

Not much. I was up til about the same time practicing my trumpet.

A guy walks in to a bar

He sees a piece of meat hanging from the ceiling so he goes up to the bartender and asks what it is

He says, so if you can jump and hit the meat, you get free drinks for the night. But if you miss, you have to buy drinks for the whole bar.

He thinks for a second and says, "nah the steaks are too high"

Let's replace the glass ceiling for women

With something much easier for them to clean

What's the difference between a hooker, a lover and a housewife?

A hooker says "Faster! faster!"

A lover says "Slower....slooower..."

A housewife says "Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

How do you start a rave in Uganda ?

Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling

Why don't feminists need to change lightbulbs?

Enough light comes through the glass ceiling.

A man walks into a bar. First thing he notices is two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

He sits down at the bar and says "what's with the meat?"

The bartender replies "Ah that's our game. The rules are simple, if you can jump in the air and touch both pieces of meat before your feet touch the floor, then everyone else in the bar will buy your drinks for the evening, but if you can't then you have to buy everyone else's drinks. Would you like to play?"

The man considers for a second and then says "Nah, steaks are too high".

A man dies and goes to Heaven...

He is greeted at the pearly gates and sees billions of clocks. He asks the angel what they are for. The angel responds that they show how many times a person has lied. The man sees the Abraham Lincolns has moved only twice and the St. Mary's hasn't moved at all. Then, he asks where Obama's is. The angel responds "it's in Jesus's office. he's using it as a ceiling fan"

A man walks into a bar, and noticed a couple T-bones nailed to the ceiling.

He asks the bartender what they're for.

Bartender tells him it's a challenge. If you can jump and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the night. If you miss, you buy everyone's drinks for an hour.

The man shakes his head and says. "I'm gonna pass. The steaks are too high."

Everybody does it

A man died and went to heaven. He saw a huge wall of clocks behind St. Peter. "Why all the clocks?" St. Peter answered "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh" said the man, "Whose clock is that?"........ "That was Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved. She had never told a lie." "Where's President Trump's clock?" asked the man. "Oh." said Peter. "It's in Jesus' office"......."He's using it as a ceiling fan."

A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling.

When he asked the bartender about it, the bartender said, If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are ok the house for the night. But if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next 2 hours. Do you want to try?

The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.

What do Kurt Cobain and Michelangelo have in common?

They both used their brains to paint a ceiling

I really like having a roof over my head.

I guess you could say I'm a ceiling fan.

My ceiling isn't my favourite thing in the world...

But you know, it's up there.

A man walks into a bar, and sees three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.....

K so a dude walks into a bar, and sees three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

"What's that?", Said Dude, looking up at the meat.

"It's a contest", replied the bartender. "Whoever can jump up and hit all three pieces, I will cook that beef for them and will serve them all free drinks for the rest of the night."

He continues, "If you fail to hit them, or even two, on the first three tries, you will have to pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night. Nobody can interfere. Wanna give it a try?"

"No," Said Dude, "I would, but the steaks are too high."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes