Caught Off Guard Jokes
28 caught off guard jokes and hilarious caught off guard puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about caught off guard that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Caught Off Guard Short Jokes
Short caught off guard jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The caught off guard humour may include short startled jokes also.
- Did you know Hawaiians never laugh very loud? They just give aloha!
Credit to the roommate, caught me off guard - I got caught peeing in the pool The life guard's yelling scary me so bad I almost fell in!
- I got caught smuggling a gun to the furry convention Security guard *(notices bulge)* OwO what's this?!!
- What do you call a camel with three humps Pregnant!
My 6 year old daughter caught us off guard with this one tonight lol - I was caught breaking into a cheese factory with a lock pick and a large stone. The guard that caught me said "I get the lock pick but what's the Roquefort?"
- Q:Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To visit his friend the d**....
M: Knock knock
Y: Who's there
M: Your friend the chicken!
[My 7yo told me this one and caught me off guard...] - Why was the gay security guard fired from the s**... bank? He was caught drinking on the job.
- I never called you s**.... But when I asked how you spelled Mississippi, and you asked if I was talking about the river or the state,it just kind of caught me off guard!
- Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from his job at the s**... bank? He got caught drinking on the job.
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Caught Off Guard Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about caught off guard you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean shocked jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make caught off guard pranks.
My friend was a violent serial killer...
Ended up getting caught some time back and sentenced to death by electric chair.
Fast-forward to day of execution.
Guard straps him in.
Guard: "Any last requests?"
Friend: "Remind me of buzzfeed clickbait articles 1 last time"
Guard: "The electric current is going to be started now, what happens next will shock you"
I can't believe this happened
I was on the toilet, and shortly after I sat down I heard from the stall next door, "Hi, how are you?". Embarrassed but not wanting to be rude I said "doing fine?" Then I hear them ask "So what are you up to?". ?!?! "Um..." I said "Same as you I'd guess. Just sitting here." Then I'm completely caught off guard when asked "Can I come over?" "I'm kind of busy at the moment" Annoyed I responded. Then I hear "Listen, I'll call you back later, the idiot in the next stall is answering all of my questions."
A man is at the doctor
A man is at a follow up appointment at the doctor. The doctor walks in and says I'm sorry, but I've got bad news and worse news.
Start with the worse news, says the man.
You've got cancer, the doctor starts.
Caught off guard, the man replies okay, what's the bad news?
You also have Alzheimer's, says the doctor.
Well at least I don't have cancer, says the man.
Do you want to hear a construction joke?
I can't tell you, I'm still working on it.
Sorry if this has been posted before. I heard it from my 4 year old at dinner tonight and it completely caught me off guard.
I think Jobs are too snoopy when it comes to our private s**... lives
Whenever it has the spot on the application that says s**...: , as a young man, I'm always just slightly caught off guard. I reluctantly put my number of times there.
Sometimes it provides me with the choice of M or F online. I always select the F for few. Hopefully one day I'll be able to put M for many
As an aside, for some reason, the people I meet during the interview always seem confused at first
A man and his wife went fishing one day. As they were fishing, they spotted the Coast Guard coming towards them.
Wife: "Honey, we caught four fish, and we are only allowed three, so lets throw one back into the sea."
Husband: "Are you mad, woman, that's our food for tonight. Take one fish and hide it in your p**...."
wife: "And what about the smell???"
Husband: "Just block the fish's nose!...."
Barking mouse
The cat closes in upon them as the terrified baby mice back into the corner with no where to run. Suddenly, out in a distance behind the cat, mama mouse began barking "woof, woof!". Caught off guard the cat immediately turned tail and ran. Seeing that the coast is clear, mama mouse came up to her babies and gathered them up. Having made sure that all her babies are accounted for, she said, "see children, that's why it's so important to learn a 2nd language."
That poor security guard....
A security guard at a factory has two wooden legs.
He was working a night shift once when the factory caught fire.
A spokesman from the fire brigade told the local news crew that
thanks to them arriving on the scene quickly, the factory was saved.
However, the security guard was burned to the ground.
German coast guard
An American cruise ship was following the German coast when it got caught off course in a storm, hit some rocks in the shallow water, and started to sink.
The captain of the ship got on the radio:
"Help! Help!"
He got a reply:
"Hello, ziss is German coast guard. Do you haff a problem?"
"Help us! We're sinking! We're sinking!"
..."Vot are you sinking about?"
A business was looking for office help and puts a sign on the window
The sign reads: "HELP WANTED: We are an equal opportunity employer looking for someone good with computers, Word, Excel and is bilingual"
One day a dog walks up, sees the sign and goes inside. He looks at the receptionist, looks back at the sign and barks.
Figuring out what the dog came here for, the receptionist gets the office manager, who looks at the dog surprised. However, the dog looked so confident that the manager leads him into the office, where the dog jumps on a chair and looks at the manager. The manager sits down, looks back at the dog and says "I can't hire you, the sign says that you have to be able to use a computer and Word."
The dog jumps down, walks to a computer and begins to create a word document, drafting a letter for the manager. Caught off guard but unconvinced, the manager says "The sign also says you have to be good with excel."
The dog then goes on to create a perfect spreadsheet that works flawlessly the first time.
Dumb-founded, the manager looks at the dog and says "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog with some interesting abilities. However, I still can't hire you."
The dog jumps down and walks over to a copy of the sign, putting his paw on the phrase "Equal Opportunity Employer".
The manager says "Yes, we are an equal opportunity employer. However, the sign also says you need to be bilingual." The dog looks at the manager confidently and says, "Meow."
An Irish, a British, and American soldiers...
...had just helped each other escape from an Axis prisoner camp in WW2 Germany. As they run through the Bavarian forest, they hear alarms sounding, and soon afterwards, they hear dogs barking and guards yelling to each other.
The barking and yelling gets louder and louder, and the escapees realize that they'll be caught if they keep on running, and decide to take cover by climbing up separate trees.
The dogs start circling the tree, and jumping up and down around the trunk on the very tree the American has climbed. The guards shout "Come down or we'll shoot!" Thinking quickly, he quickly calls down "who! who!" The German guards say to each other "Das ist eine owl", and call the dogs off.
The dogs follow the trail to the second tree, and the guards call up "Come down or we'll shoot!" The Brit calls down "CAW! CAW!!!" The guards say "Ahh. Das ist eine crow".
The guards follow the dogs to the third tree where the Irishman had climbed. Again they called up "Come down or we'll shoot!" The Irishman thought for a moment and then called down "Moo! Moo!"
***NOT MINE: ** Shamelessly stolen from an Irish joke book I had as a kid. Yes, I am Irish.*
A man is laying carpet at a woman's house and it's a long, hot job.
He finally finishes and reaches into his shirt pocket for a pack of cigarettes and they are not there.
He glances at a small lump out of the carpet I realize they slipped out of his pocket. Bam! Bam! Bam! He flattens them till it looks great, there is no way he's going to take up all that carpet for a bunch of paper and tobacco.
Heads out to his truck, jumps in the front seat and is caught off guard to see his pack of cigarettes on the dash.
At that moment the woman of the house rushes out waving at him. "Excuse me, I don't know if you saw him or not, but I'm missing my hamster."
A teacher is trying to instruct her class on the meaning of the word "definitely".
"Can anyone give man an example?" She asks.
Suzie raises her "the grass is definitely green."
"Sometimes the grass can be brown," the teacher answers. "Anyone else?"
"The sky is definitely blue." Says Timmy.
"The sky can by gray if it's cloudy, or black at night." Says the teacher.
In the back of the class little Johnny raises is hand and asks, "do farts have lumps?"
Caught of guard the teacher says "No, of course not!"
Johnny replies, "Then I definitely pooped my pants."
A beautiful black woman was filling her car with gas...
I noticed that she wasn't paying much attention; she was looking at her phone as she removed the pump from her car and accidentally spilled gasoline on herself.
As she got into her car she pulled out a cigarette and lit it, but the gasoline on her arm set on fire. Luckily, there was a cop a couple pumps away, so she ran out of her car and ran at him, waving her burning arm at him for help.
The cop was completely caught off guard and, in his confusion, he shot her.
I wasn't that surprised though... it was her fault for running at him with a firearm.
A dad walks in on his son m**....
"Son you can't be m**...."
"But why?" says his son.
Caught off guard the dad trys his best explaining without going into the whole birds and the bees.
A couple incidents later and much more explaning, the dad is still with no success. Finally the dads gives in and says to his son, "You can't be doing that, *it's not good for you*."
"But why?"
"Because son, you'll go blind!"
"Ah ok!" ths son replies. "I don't want that!"
Certain he finally took care of the problem, the dad is finally at peace
A couple days later the dad walks in once more. "Son, what did I tell you about doing that!?"
"I know dad, but I'll stop once I start needing glasses."
Topical Jokes for 6/17
(For best results, imagine these in the voice of your favorite talk show host)
In Michigan, a man was arrested after he tried to toss a football filled with drugs into a prison. Prison guards knew something was wrong when they heard 700 inmates shouting, I'M OPEN! I'M OPEN!
The United States announced they've arrested the mastermind of the 2012 attack in Benghazi. When Republicans heard the news, they said, Oh great! They caught Hillary Clinton! .
Coca Cola is testing a new, low-calorie version of Coke in a green can called Coca Cola Life. The original formula of Coke in the red can will be rebranded as Coca Cola Death.
A meeting at the Pearly Gates
St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
Easy way to farm
A man robbed a bank and hid out for a year before getting caught by the police but they still don't know where the money is.
When he gets caught he's sentenced to 25 years in prison.
While in prison he gets a call so he calls his wife and after a little conversation about life she asks,
"I don't know when to plant the potatoes, when is a good time to plant the potatoes and should I hire someone to till the garden?"
He replies "I'll have the rototilling done by tomorrow, you can plant them right afterwards."
Confused she just says "ok." And hangs up the phone.
Afterwards while the man is sitting in his cell he tells one of the guards " I can't hold it in any longer, I buried the money in my garden."
Once upon a time, three brothers named...
f**..., Shut Up, and Respect robbed a bank together. f**... was unlucky and got caught, so Shut Up and Respect decided to try to bail him out of jail. They went to the prison, but Respect was tired; he stayed in the car, so Shut Up went to talk to the guard. The guard said,
What are you here for?
so Shut Up says, To release f**....
The guard then says, Umm... ok. So what's your name?
Shut Up.
The guard, bewildered, says, Hey,hey,hey, watch it! Where's your respect?
So Shut Up says, In the car.