Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Caught puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.
It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
The cop is also a blonde.
Cop: Let me see your driver's license.
Driver: What's that?
Cop: A square thing with your picture on it.
Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.
Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,
I'm gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn't know you were a cop.
(
So I packed her things and left
He was caught in the middle of 9/11
It's called the Tour de France.
The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
Sure, it does. I said. It's the only way I can see the numbers.
The little boy said, Mom what are you doing?
She said, Son, your daddy's stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.
He said, Aw momma you're wasting your time because when you're not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!
"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having sex in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."
Because Sin 90 = Cot 45
She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.
I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
So I had to ground her and kept her at ohm
She's doing better currently .
And conducting herself properly
A boy asks his dad "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs,when their thumbs are not green?"
The dad replies,"It's just a saying son,It's like when somebody is caught stealing,they say they have been caught 'red handed',even though their hands is black."
I have hearing aids
it was a risk I was willing to take
A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.
He has two in his boat when the police approach him.
The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.
"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."
So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.
"Call who back?"
Because sin90 = cot45.
His dad replies, "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught stealing something, they say that they've been caught red-handed', even though their hands are actually black."
She grounded him.
I now have hearing aids
I was annoyed because I was gonna eat that later...
And now it's gonna taste like carrot....
The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.
That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:
Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.
I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.
Grandpa pooped in the living room again.
I had to put grandpa down today.
Grandpa ran away again.
I caught Grandpa humping my friend's leg again.
And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.
The Circuits!
(this is a joke i made up when i was like 10, i don't think it ever caught on)
- Your boy was caught smoking marijuana !!!
The mother :
- Oh my God. I wonder where he found it from ??
- He said he got it from his best friend.
The father, wiping a happy tear :
- My boy really said that ... ?
Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.
At his trial, he kept insisting he'd never harmed a soul.
So I rolled up a newspaper and told him he was a bad boy.
I looked straight into her eyes and said "shut the door!"
Her face turned all red and she yelled at me "get inside!!!"
They charged him with attempted murder.
Peter is on trial. He's on trial because he shot his wife when he caught her in bed with another guy.
The judge wants to know; "why did you shoot your wife?".
"Well, " Peter replies, "it seemed easier to shoot her once, than to shoot a different guy every week".
"Joe, you know that's not going to help you," she said
"Oh it helps a lot," he replies. It's the only way I can see the numbers!
She has such soft hands...
But if I had known that, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.
My wife, Lorraine, has just found out that I have been cheating on her with Clara next door. Last night, she packed her things and was off on her way.
I can see Clara now, Lorraine has gone.
She called me a "SICK PERVERT!" and slammed the door.
A few days later, I caught her masturbating. She called me a "SICK PERVERT!" and slammed the door.
sees an old man fishing in a puddle off the sidewalk.
Poor Old fool, he thought. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he'd humor the old man and asked, So how many have you caught today?
The old man replied, You're the eighth.
I was charged with impersonation of a police officer.
The father replies, "It's just an expression, son. Just like how they say a person is caught stealing red-handed, even though his hands are actually black."
I'm going to be an iWitness at the trial
Her dad walked in and caught me red-handed.
For example, if we wanted to say, "it's in the fridge", we'd instead say "it's inside the fridge".
One day, my parents caught onto this. They asked me why I was saying "inside" instead of "in".
I responded,
"it's an inside joke".
Worst part is, I caught it
It was wrong on so many levels.
In response, I told her, It's not what it looks like.
I got caught sniffing my friend's sister's underwear the other day,
What made it worse was she was still wearing them,
Made the rest of her funeral really awkward.
The whole event was pretty terrible.
It was the Absolut-wurst-case scenario.
The plot thickened
if you commit a crime 90 times, you'll only get caught 45 times
.
.
.
.
because sin90=cot45
I tried explaining to her, "This isn't what it looks like!"
I guess you could say she caught me red-handed.
She sent me to my room and told me my dad would talk to me after work.
When my Dad came home he sat me down and said "Son, if you keep doing that, you'll go blind"
I said "I'm over here Dad"
And crashes. Because most of the roads are out, it takes emergency responders a long time to reach the wreck. When they get there, they see a farmer.
"Did you see the plane crash?" asked the EMTs.
"Ayup. Sure did. Buried them all too," answered the farmer.
"None of them survived?"
"Well, the president said he did, but you know what a liar he is."
Ans: tuna . The other 3 are crushed asians.
I still haven't caught any Counter-Terrorists.
I caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend, whom I had known since preschool. I can't believe they'd do this to me.
Listen, I'm not a bad guy. I'll grant you that my wife was upset that I was always beating her, and my best friend? He was simply jealous of how much money and property I had.
At my wit's end, I was so angry that when I caught them, I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
It's a minor problem.
A young boy asks his dad: "Why do people say gardeners have green thumbs when their fingers aren't actually green?"
The dad replies: "It's just a saying, son. It's like when somebody is caught stealing something, they say that they have been caught 'red handed,' even though their hands are actually black."
"Access to the women's dorms is strictly prohibited. If someone is caught there for the first time, they will suffer a fine of 100 dollars. The second offence will involve a 300 dollar fine. Getting caught there for the third time will cost you a hefty fine of 500 dollars."
Suddenly, a student in the back raises his hand and asks:
"How much for a semester pass?"
He asked, "Dad, what are you doing with Mom?"
"I was just pushing the air out of her tummy." I replied.
"It's no use, I saw our neighbor blowing air between Mom's legs every morning after you leave for work."
The child asks,
"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's stomach last night?"
The mother replies,
"I have to do that, or else daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."
"That's not going to work, you silly!" responds the child.
"Why not?" asks the mother.
"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."
Can't risk getting caught
He was caught fingering A Minor.
Because Sin 90 = Cot 45!
My woman told me that she would never play with her self when she was on her period. .
But I caught her red handed !!
Maybe I shouldn't have been standing in his garden.
My friends say I'll be in prison if I'm caught, but it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.
Ended up getting caught some time back and sentenced to death by electric chair.
Fast-forward to day of execution.
Guard straps him in.
Guard: "Any last requests?"
Friend: "Remind me of buzzfeed clickbait articles 1 last time"
Guard: "The electric current is going to be started now, what happens next will shock you"
... and they came across the most beautiful women taking a bath in a hot spring. Upon seeing this, one boy took of running, and the other went after him. When he caught up to the other he asked "Why did you run off?". To this the other replied "Well, my mom told me that if I ever saw a naked women I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard!"
On the one hand he is unfaithful, but on the other hand it was nice that he visited me at work.
Now I want to break three
Needless to say I should have probably waited untill her funeral was over.
after being caught masturbating and smoking weed in his office.
No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.
She fired the nanny. Then she told me no more sex for a year!
I said, "You're firing the maid, too?"
Masturbating to a optical illusion, I screamed "it's not what it looks like!!"
They said it was a dishonorable discharge.
Because if they're on the fence too long they get caught.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.