The Best 58 Cattle Jokes

Following is our collection of Cattle jokes which are very funny. There are some cattle farmer jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these cattle rancher puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Cattle Jokes and Puns

What do you call cattle that attack in large groups?

Cow herds!

Why can't you keep a secret from cattle?

They herd

A real cowboy?

An old cowboys goes into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. As he sits there sipping his bourbon, a young lady sits down next to him. She turns to the cowboys and asks "Are you a real cowboy?".

He replies "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am".

She says "That's cool. I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about women. When I shower or watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women".

The young lady finishes her drink and leaves and soon after a couple sits down next to the cowboy and the man asks him "Are you a real cowboy?".

He replies "Well, I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian".

Patient just told me a joke yesterday

When you are driving though the field in Texas, you see a lot of cattle. They are very special.

Wanna know why?

They are out standing in the field

Can't remember this joke 100% about a farmer counting his cows.

It has something to do with counting the heads of all his cattle and then I think it ends in a really dry punch line. Any help?

EDIT* got it thanks to /u/noncharacteristic

"A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200."

The most heinous crime--against both Man and Nature--would be to plant dynamite inside cattle

That, my friends, would be a-bomb-in-a-bull...

My cattle ate my entire pot field.

The steaks have never been higher.

Why did the cattle leave the marijuana field?

Because the steaks were too high!

Say friends, why is it tough to play poker with cattle farmers?

They're always raising the steaks!

What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?

Beef strokanoff.

What do cattle listen to?


You can explore cattle livestock reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean cattle graze dad jokes. There are also cattle puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Why did the farmer stop smoking with his cattle?

Because the steaks were too high...

A farmer's cattle broke out of their pen and got into the marijuana plants he was growing.

The steaks were really high.

Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field?

The pot was calling the cattle back

Why are the steaks so high?

Because the pot was calling the cattle back and the cows went back to the marijuana field.

Where do religious cattle go to eat?

Out to pastor.

What are Turkish cattle best known for?


Why do butchers avoid buying cattle from Colorado?

Because the steaks are too high.

2 farmers sitting on a porch just passin the time, shootin the sh!t

when a marijuana plant yells out of no where:

"You big dumb dark cow!"

One of the farmer turns to his friend and says

"look at the pot calling the cattle black"

In a last ditch effort to curb over grazing, some ranchers have decided to drive their cattle up into the mountains.

Analysts say the steaks have never been higher.

A Texan cowboy was walking down the road

When a little old lady walked up to him and asked, "Are you one of those cowboys every body talks about?"

"Why yes ma'am I am." He replied

"The ones who ride around on horses and herd cattle?" She continued.

"Yes ma'am I am."

"The kind who ties up those calves and brands them?" She inquired

"Yes ma'am I am"

Obviously displeased she scowled at him and said "Well you ought to be hung!"

The cowboy smiled and replied,
"Yes ma'am I am."

How do farmers count their cattle?

With a *cow*culator

What do you do for a living? I herd cattle.

Ah, you're a rancher?

No, I'm a Zumba instructor.

Why do stray cows return to hemp fields?

it's the pot calling the cattle back

What do you call 100 head of cattle masturbating in a field?

Beef stroganoff.

Why shouldn't you feed marijuana to cattle?

Because of the high steaks.

What do you call someone who invested in a cattle farm?

He has a steak in it.

A farmer comes into a large amount of money and decides to buy his son's a large ranch where they can raise cattle. He calls the ranch "Focus".

Because it's where the sun's rays meet.

A herd of cattle... A murder of crows...

...a migraine of children...

Ranchers in Colorado are conducting a crucial experiment on the environmental sustainability of using hemp as a feed source for cattle.

The steaks have never been higher.

What do you call Russian cattle?


I pity all cattle farmers

They have to deal with so much bullshit.

Cowboy: How many cattle do we have here? 18..!

Ranch owner: Round them up
Cowboy: Ok 20, then!

Feel like nobody listens to you?

Feel like nobody listens to you?

Get a cattle dog they totally herd you.

Did you hear about the rancher who put 196 cattle out to pasture?

When he rounded them up, he had 200.

What does a procrastinating cattle rancher use to add numbers?

A cow kill later.

What is ironic about cows going back to the marijuana plantation?

It was a case of pot calling the cattle back.

A herd of masturbating cattle is called Beef Stroganoff, but what do you call it when they do it to each other?

Hamburger Helper

What do you call cattle that don't have courage?


Thanks folks, I wrote this when I was 7 years old!

What do cattle ranching and an increasingly intense situation have in common?

They both involve raising stakes (steaks)

A herd of cattle got into a cannabis farm and began to graze...

When asked how serious the situation was, the owner responded, "the steaks have never been higher!"

What did Captain Obvious say as a baby cattle entered the room?

A door a bull

What do you call Fortnite with cows?

A cattle royale.

What do you call sleeping male cattle?


Please, please don't start growing marijuana on your cattle farm

The steaks are too high

I was going to tell you a joke about cattle

But you probably have herd it before

What do a cattle farmer and a compulsive gambler have in common?

They're both interested in raising the stakes/steaks.

A milk thief goes into a barn

He finds a suitable cattle, and tries to milk it. Eventually he resorts to sucking on the udder, and eventually gets a spurt of gelatinous, salty milk. The farmer enters to see the man spitting it out, before the man remarks about the disgusting milk.

Farmer hands him a bucket, and points to another heifer. He says

"That's the female cow right there."

What did the weed farmer say when he saw a herd of cattle eating his crops?

The steaks are high.

Why did the cattle rancher give up his small cannabis farm?

The steaks were getting too high.

Young Bill

Young Bill was courting Mabel, from the adjoining cattle ranch.

One evening, as they sat on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the western hills, Bill spied his prized stallion humping one of his mares.

He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the move on Mabel.

He leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to do what that stallion is doing."

Mabel whispered back, "Go ahead. She's your mare!"

What do you have when you get a bunch of cattle stoned?

High Steaks.

Vermont farmer

A texas cattle rancher came to visit a Vermont dairy farm. He gets a tour of the 10 acre farm, and says to the Vermont farmer "This farm aint nothin, my ranch back in texas is so big, it would take us 3 days just to drive my truck around the whole property". The Vermont farmer responds "yup I had a truck like that once"

How does a rancher keep track of his cattle?

With a cow-culator.

How do space cowboys wrangle their cattle?

A tractor beam

So, I was driving and saw a herd of Masturbating Cattle !

Beef Stroganoff

Did you hear about the cattle farmer that experimented with feeding his cow cannabis?

The results were promising at first but it turned out the steaks were too high.

*Staring at a barn full of feed*

Me: That's alot of feed.

Farmer: Yeah. The cattle eat it.

Me: Man.....that's one hungry cat

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the cattle pasture jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working cattle bulls piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes