Cattle Jokes
125 cattle jokes and hilarious cattle puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cattle that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
A roundup of humorous jokes and puns involving cattle, bovine, and sheep. Whether you're a cattle rancher, farmer, buyer, hauler, breeder, or just a fan of the livestock industry, these funny jokes are sure to put a smile on your face.
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Funniest Cattle Short Jokes
Short cattle jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cattle humour may include short cows jokes also.
- I had a rancher ask me to help him round up his cattle. I asked him how many he has and he stated 99. I said 100, you're welcome!
- When I heard that terrorists were killing farmers by putting C4 in their cattle I was horrified... It's abombinabull!
- Did you hear about the cattle farmer that experimented with feeding his cow cannabis? The results were promising at first but it turned out the steaks were too high.
- What do you do for a living? I herd cattle. Ah, you're a rancher?
No, I'm a Zumba instructor. - Cowboy: How many cattle do we have here? 18..! Ranch owner: Round them up
Cowboy: Ok 20, then! - Why did the cattle rancher give up his small cannabis farm? The steaks were getting too high.
- The most heinous crime--against both Man and Nature--would be to plant dynamite inside cattle That, my friends, would be a-bomb-in-a-bull...
- A herd of cattle got into a cannabis farm and began to graze... When asked how serious the situation was, the owner responded, "the steaks have never been higher!"
- What do you call cattle that don't have courage? Cowards.
Thanks folks, I wrote this when I was 7 years old! - *Staring at a barn full of feed* Me: That's alot of feed.
Farmer: Yeah. The cattle eat it.
Me: Man.....that's one hungry cat
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Cattle One Liners
Which cattle one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cattle? I can suggest the ones about livestock and bovine cow.
- Guess what I heard? Cattle.
- Why do butchers avoid buying cattle from Colorado? Because the steaks are too high.
- Why can't you keep a secret from cattle? They herd
- Why did the farmer stop smoking with his cattle? Because the steaks were too high...
- Why did the gambler buy a cattle ranch? Because he wanted to raise the steaks
- How does a rancher know which cow to buy? He looks in the cattle-log!
- What do you call Fortnite with cows? A cattle royale.
- What car is a rancher most likely to own? A cattle-ac
- I was going to tell you a joke about cattle But you probably have herd it before
- How do space cowboys wrangle their cattle? A tractor beam
- What do you call someone who invested in a cattle farm? He has a steak in it.
- What are Turkish cattle best known for? Mootiny.
- How does a rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.
- How do farmers count their cattle? With a *cow*culator
- What happened to the lost cattle?
Nobody's herd.
Cattle Farmer Jokes
Here is a list of funny cattle farmer jokes and even better cattle farmer puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was gambling with a farmer last week and apparently had a really good hand, so good to the point that he bet his livelihood, all 397 of his cattle. He really raised the steaks
- A farmer comes into a large amount of money and decides to buy his son's a large ranch where they can raise cattle. He calls the ranch "Focus". Because it's where the sun's rays meet.
- What do a cattle farmer and a compulsive gambler have in common? They're both interested in raising the stakes/steaks.
- Say friends, why is it tough to play poker with cattle farmers? They're always raising the steaks!
- A dairy farmer is a farmer who raises cattle to produce milk products. A darey farmer is a farmer who takes a lot of risks.
- Why are farmers, who take good inventory of their cows, so efficient at chemical reactions? Because they have a cattle list.
- The farmer's dumb cattle was found missing He said, now that's an oxymoron
- A farmer invested $10 million of his own money for a research on 'effects of m**... on cattle'. The steaks were high.
- What did the w**... farmer say when he saw a herd of cattle eating his crops? The steaks are high.
- A farmer's cattle broke out of their pen and got into the m**... plants he was growing. The steaks were really high.
Cattle Rancher Jokes
Here is a list of funny cattle rancher jokes and even better cattle rancher puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- In a last ditch effort to curb over grazing, some ranchers have decided to drive their cattle up into the mountains. Analysts say the steaks have never been higher.
- What does a procrastinating cattle rancher use to add numbers? A cow kill later.
- Did you hear about the rancher who put 196 cattle out to pasture? When he rounded them up, he had 200.
- How do you get ranchers to quickly react to offerings at a livestock auction? A cattle-list
- A rancher was supposed when his cattle grew up to have really short legs, but he wasn't worried. The steaks were low.
- What didnthey have when the cattle rancher passed away? An Esteak Sale
- Ranchers in Colorado are conducting a crucial experiment on the environmental sustainability of using h**... as a feed source for cattle. The steaks have never been higher.
- Why wouldn't the cattle rancher take the bet that he could raise his cows on m**... instead of actual grass? The steaks were too high.

Cattle Ranch Jokes
Here is a list of funny cattle ranch jokes and even better cattle ranch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do cattle ranching and an increasingly intense situation have in common? They both involve raising stakes (steaks)
- Why was he woman arrested on a cattle ranch for wearing a silk dress?
She was charged with rustling! - Fire broke out at a local m**... farm, and the smoke began to drift to a nearby cattle ranch. The steaks were high
- TIFU by neglecting the fence between our m**... farm and the cattle ranch next door. We're struggling to salvage our crop for harvest this year, and the steaks have never been higher.
- I have so much p**... hair I can start a cattle ranch
Cattle Drive Jokes
Here is a list of funny cattle drive jokes and even better cattle drive puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Patient just told me a joke yesterday When you are driving though the field in Texas, you see a lot of cattle. They are very special.
Wanna know why?
They are out standing in the field - A group of cattle are taking a road trip; who drives? The steer.
- What does an older cow aspire to drive? A Cattle-ac.
- So, I was driving and saw a herd of m**... Cattle ! Beef Stroganoff

Hilarious Cattle Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about cattle you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bovine jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cattle pranks.
What do you call cattle that attack in large groups?
Cow herds!
A real cowboy?
An old cowboys goes into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. As he sits there sipping his bourbon, a young lady sits down next to him. She turns to the cowboys and asks "Are you a real cowboy?".
He replies "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am".
She says "That's cool. I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about women. When I shower or watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women".
The young lady finishes her drink and leaves and soon after a couple sits down next to the cowboy and the man asks him "Are you a real cowboy?".
He replies "Well, I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian".
So there is a First class only Indian Airline.
Their motto is "We will treat you passengers like Cattle"
What do you call a field of masturbatory cattle?
Beef Strokenoff
Can't remember this joke 100% about a farmer counting his cows.
It has something to do with counting the heads of all his cattle and then I think it ends in a really dry punch line. Any help?
EDIT* got it thanks to /u/noncharacteristic
"A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200."
A Texan was talking to a rancher from Canada...
about the overseas market. The Texan was bragging about his huge herds and the vast amounts of money he was making shipping thousands of heads of cattle overseas every year to the Chinese market.
The Canadian, not wanting to be outdone, shot back, "Yeah? Well I ship that much cattle every month!"
The Texan looked at him for a moment, then smiled as he said, "Well, you got me there then. You clearly are the biggest bull shipper I ever met!"
My cattle ate my entire p**... field.
The steaks have never been higher.
Why did the cattle leave the m**... field?
Because the steaks were too high!
What do you call a herd of m**... cattle?
Beef strokanoff.
What do cattle listen to?
Moosic
Why did the cows come back to the m**... field?
The p**... was calling the cattle back
Why are the steaks so high?
Because the p**... was calling the cattle back and the cows went back to the m**... field.
Where do religious cattle go to eat?
Out to pastor.
2 farmers sitting on a porch just passin the time, shootin the s**...t
when a m**... plant yells out of no where:
"You big dumb dark cow!"
One of the farmer turns to his friend and says
"look at the p**... calling the cattle black"
Why Did The Cows Go To Graze In The m**... Fields?
It was a case of the p**... calling the cattle back...
A Texan cowboy was walking down the road
When a little old lady walked up to him and asked, "Are you one of those cowboys every body talks about?"
"Why yes ma'am I am." He replied
"The ones who ride around on horses and herd cattle?" She continued.
"Yes ma'am I am."
"The kind who ties up those calves and brands them?" She inquired
"Yes ma'am I am"
Obviously displeased she scowled at him and said "Well you ought to be hung!"
The cowboy smiled and replied,
"Yes ma'am I am."
Why do stray cows return to h**... fields?
it's the p**... calling the cattle back
What do you call 100 head of cattle m**... in a field?
Beef stroganoff.
Why shouldn't you feed m**... to cattle?
Because of the high steaks.
A herd of cattle... A m**... of crows...
...a migraine of children...
What do you call Russian cattle?
Mos-Cows
Abbott and Costello
Costello: . . . I was in love with a bow-legged c**... and she was roundin' up cattle. Abbott: And what happened? Costello: She couldn't get her calves together. ~ Rio Rita (1942)
I pity all cattle farmers
They have to deal with so much b**....
Feel like nobody listens to you?
Feel like nobody listens to you?
Get a cattle dog they totally herd you.
What is ironic about cows going back to the m**... plantation?
It was a case of p**... calling the cattle back.
Why did the cows keep returning to the w**... field?
It was the p**... calling the cattle back.
A herd of m**... cattle is called Beef Stroganoff, but what do you call it when they do it to each other?
Hamburger Helper
Where do gum chewing cattle invest?
Moo-chew-all funds
What did Captain Obvious say as a baby cattle entered the room?
A door a bull
What do you call sleeping male cattle?
Bulldozers.
Did you know that cattle aren't afraid of anything?
Otherwise, they'd be chicken.
Please, please don't start growing m**... on your cattle farm
The steaks are too high
A milk thief goes into a barn
He finds a suitable cattle, and tries to milk it. Eventually he resorts to s**... on the udder, and eventually gets a spurt of gelatinous, salty milk. The farmer enters to see the man spitting it out, before the man remarks about the disgusting milk.
Farmer hands him a bucket, and points to another heifer. He says
"That's the female cow right there."
Young Bill
Young Bill was courting Mabel, from the adjoining cattle ranch.
One evening, as they sat on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the western hills, Bill spied his prized stallion h**... one of his mares.
He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the move on Mabel.
He leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to do what that stallion is doing."
Mabel whispered back, "Go ahead. She's your mare!"
What do you have when you get a bunch of cattle s**...?
High Steaks.
Vermont farmer
A texas cattle rancher came to visit a Vermont dairy farm. He gets a tour of the 10 acre farm, and says to the Vermont farmer "This farm aint nothin, my ranch back in texas is so big, it would take us 3 days just to drive my truck around the whole property". The Vermont farmer responds "yup I had a truck like that once"
Why do the cows return from the fields right about when evening tea is ready?
It's tea-p**... calling the cattle back
Why did the cows go to the m**... field?
It was the p**... calling the cattle back.
In honor of 420.
What's The Difference Between A Breeze On A Cattle Farm And A Frenchman's Buttocks?
One is dairy air, and the other is derriere.
Drink like a man or...
An alcoholic in serious health condition finally goes to see a doctor:
\- "Are you drinking like a man, or like cattle?"
\- "Geez doctor, of course like a man!"
\- "That's the problem! Cattle know when to stop."
There's a new company that's planning to feed cows a diet of cannabis mixed in with their food.
They claim that the relaxed cattle produce more milk, and tender meat. The issue is that the legal costs of this are through the roof, and even the best estimates are that they won't turn a profit until 2034. The steaks have never been higher.
A big fat Texan goes to a ranch to pick out some cattle.
The owner lines them up and the buyer walks down the line until he sees one he likes.
He pulls out two pieces of bread and stuffs them in the cow's ears.
"Hey! .. What are you doing?" asks the owner. "Stop that!"
The Texan replies, "I can make my sandwich any d**... way I want!"
My friend claims there's no word for e**... produced by male cattle.
I think that's b**....

