Cattle Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field?

The pot was calling the cattle back

A Texan cowboy was walking down the road

When a little old lady walked up to him and asked, "Are you one of those cowboys every body talks about?"

"Why yes ma'am I am." He replied

"The ones who ride around on horses and herd cattle?" She continued.

"Yes ma'am I am."

"The kind who ties up those calves and brands them?" She inquired

"Yes ma'am I am"

Obviously displeased she scowled at him and said "Well you ought to be hung!"

The cowboy smiled and replied,
"Yes ma'am I am."

Why shouldn't you feed marijuana to cattle?

Because of the high steaks.

2 farmers sitting on a porch just passin the time, shootin the sh!t

when a marijuana plant yells out of no where:

"You big dumb dark cow!"

One of the farmer turns to his friend and says

"look at the pot calling the cattle black"

A real cowboy?

An old cowboys goes into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. As he sits there sipping his bourbon, a young lady sits down next to him. She turns to the cowboys and asks "Are you a real cowboy?".

He replies "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am".

She says "That's cool. I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about women. When I shower or watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women".

The young lady finishes her drink and leaves and soon after a couple sits down next to the cowboy and the man asks him "Are you a real cowboy?".

He replies "Well, I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian".

What do you do for a living? I herd cattle.

Ah, you're a rancher?

No, I'm a Zumba instructor.

Why do butchers avoid buying cattle from Colorado?

Because the steaks are too high.

What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?

Beef strokanoff.

Cowboy: How many cattle do we have here? 18..!

Ranch owner: Round them up
Cowboy: Ok 20, then!

Why can't you keep a secret from cattle?

They herd

Ranchers in Colorado are conducting a crucial experiment on the environmental sustainability of using hemp as a feed source for cattle.

The steaks have never been higher.

A herd of cattle... A murder of crows...

...a migraine of children...

Cowboy and the lesbian

A cowboy is sitting in a bar when a woman comes up to him and says, "Wow! Are you a REAL cowboy?" He says, "Well ma'am, I ride a horse, I herd cattle, I rope cattle... I reckon I'm a real cowboy." Then he gives her a lecherous leer and says, "So you like cowboys, do ya?" She says, "Oh don't get the wrong idea, I'm a lesbian." He says, "What's that?" She says, "It means I like women. In fact, all day long I think about nothing but gorgeous naked women. Kissing them, touching them, having sex with them... anyway, nice meeting you." And away she goes. A couple minutes later another woman comes by and says, "Hey, are you a REAL cowboy?" He says, "Well, ma'am, I used to think I was, but I just found out I'm a Lesbian."

Why did the farmer stop smoking with his cattle?

Because the steaks were too high...

Why did the cattle rancher give up his small cannabis farm?

The steaks were getting too high.

A cowboy is sitting in a bar...

A woman sits down next to him and says, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He says, "Well ma'am, I ride a horse all day, herd cattle, rope cattle, brand cattle. I reckon I'm a real cowboy alright. So... you like cowboys, do ya?"
She says, "Oh, don't get the wrong idea. I'm a lesbian."
Cowboy says, "What's that?"
She says, "It means I like women. All I think about all day is women. Beautiful, sensual, erotic, naked women. Nice to meet a real cowboy though." Then she gets up and leaves.
Another woman comes and sits down. "Say there... are you a real cowboy?"
He ponders for a moment and says, "Well ma'am, I used to think I was. But I just found out I'm a lesbian."

The most heinous crime--against both Man and Nature--would be to plant dynamite inside cattle

That, my friends, would be a-bomb-in-a-bull...

A herd of masturbating cattle is called Beef Stroganoff, but what do you call it when they do it to each other?

Hamburger Helper

What do you call cattle that don't have courage?


Thanks folks, I wrote this when I was 7 years old!

A herd of cattle got into a cannabis farm and began to graze...

When asked how serious the situation was, the owner responded, "the steaks have never been higher!"

A cowboy walks into a bar...

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink, as a woman comes in and sits next to him. After a few minutes, she asks "Are you a real cowboy?". "Well, I work on a barn, watch my cattle and fix the fences, I guess I'm a real cowboy."

The woman says "Hm, I'm a lesbian. I think of women the whole day. When I get up, when I brush my teeth, when I go to work and when I go to bed. I can't stop thinking of women."

An hour later, the lesbian left already, a couple sits next to the cowboy. The wife turns to the cowboy and asks "So are you a real cowboy?"
And the cowboy replies "Well I thought I was, but it seems like I'm a lesbian."

*Source:* Plato and a Platypus walk into a bar...

Why did the cattle leave the marijuana field?

Because the steaks were too high!

Post tortoise

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of stupid arsehole put him up there to begin with."

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.

The first Texan says, "My name is
Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 10,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."

The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 50,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."

They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres."

Roger looks down at him and say, "300
Acres? What do you raise?"

Nothing" Irving says.

"Well then, what do you call it?" Asked John.

"Downtown Dallas."

What do you call Fortnite with cows?

A cattle royale.

What do you call 100 head of cattle masturbating in a field?

Beef stroganoff.

What did the weed farmer say when he saw a herd of cattle eating his crops?

The steaks are high.

Please, please don't start growing marijuana on your cattle farm

The steaks are too high

My cattle ate my entire pot field.

The steaks have never been higher.

I was going to tell you a joke about cattle

But you probably have herd it before

A cowboy walks into a saloon after a 2 month cattle drive. . .

. . . and asks the barman for 2 shots of whiskey and a pretty prostitute.

"We ain't got no girls here," says the barman. "But if yer desperate enough, Pretty Larry is in the back alley."

"I ain't that desperate," says the cowboy.

A while later the cowboy returns from a 4 month cattle drive, asks the barman for 4 shots and a pretty prostitute.

"We still ain't got no girls here, but Pretty Larry is still out back in the alley, if'n yer desperate enough."

"Not yet. . ." says the cowboy.

The next time, the cowboy walks in after a 6 month cattle drive. He asks for 6 shots and a pretty prostitute.

"Still no girls," says the barman, "I don't suppose yer desperate enough for ol' Pretty Larry in the back alley?"

"Well. . ." says the cowboy, "as long as we can keep it a secret I suppose I *am* desperate enough this time."

"Oh sure!" says the barman, "No one will know 'cept me, you, Larry, Jim, and Roy."

"Who're Jim and Roy??" asks the cowboy.

The barman says, "They're the ones who hold Larry down."

Patient just told me a joke yesterday

When you are driving though the field in Texas, you see a lot of cattle. They are very special.

Wanna know why?

They are out standing in the field

Young Bill

Young Bill was courting Mabel, from the adjoining cattle ranch.

One evening, as they sat on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the western hills, Bill spied his prized stallion humping one of his mares.

He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the move on Mabel.

He leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to do what that stallion is doing."

Mabel whispered back, "Go ahead. She's your mare!"

In a last ditch effort to curb over grazing, some ranchers have decided to drive their cattle up into the mountains.

Analysts say the steaks have never been higher.

Can't remember this joke 100% about a farmer counting his cows.

It has something to do with counting the heads of all his cattle and then I think it ends in a really dry punch line. Any help?

EDIT* got it thanks to /u/noncharacteristic

"A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200."

A farmer comes into a large amount of money and decides to buy his son's a large ranch where they can raise cattle. He calls the ranch "Focus".

Because it's where the sun's rays meet.

What do you call someone who invested in a cattle farm?

He has a steak in it.

What are Turkish cattle best known for?


How do farmers count their cattle?

With a *cow*culator

What is ironic about cows going back to the marijuana plantation?

It was a case of pot calling the cattle back.

A farmer's cattle broke out of their pen and got into the marijuana plants he was growing.

The steaks were really high.

What do a cattle farmer and a compulsive gambler have in common?

They're both interested in raising the stakes/steaks.

I pity all cattle farmers

They have to deal with so much bullshit.

Why do stray cows return to hemp fields?

it's the pot calling the cattle back

What do cattle listen to?


Where do religious cattle go to eat?

Out to pastor.

What do you call Russian cattle?


Say friends, why is it tough to play poker with cattle farmers?

They're always raising the steaks!

What did Captain Obvious say as a baby cattle entered the room?

A door a bull

What do cattle ranching and an increasingly intense situation have in common?

They both involve raising stakes (steaks)

What do you call sleeping male cattle?


A group of cattle are taking a road trip; who drives?

The steer.

Did you hear about the rancher who put 196 cattle out to pasture?

When he rounded them up, he had 200.

Feel like nobody listens to you?

Feel like nobody listens to you?

Get a cattle dog they totally herd you.

Why are the steaks so high?

Because the pot was calling the cattle back and the cows went back to the marijuana field.

Why did the cows keep returning to the weed field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

A milk thief goes into a barn

He finds a suitable cattle, and tries to milk it. Eventually he resorts to sucking on the udder, and eventually gets a spurt of gelatinous, salty milk. The farmer enters to see the man spitting it out, before the man remarks about the disgusting milk.

Farmer hands him a bucket, and points to another heifer. He says

"That's the female cow right there."

What are the funniest cattle jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Cattle? Well, here are the best Cattle puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Cattle pick up lines to share with friends.

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