Cattle Drive Jokes
10 cattle drive jokes and hilarious cattle drive puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cattle drive that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Cattle Drive Funny Jokes to Tell Your Friends and Kids.
What is a good cattle drive joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
Vermont farmer
A texas cattle rancher came to visit a Vermont dairy farm. He gets a tour of the 10 acre farm, and says to the Vermont farmer "This farm aint nothin, my ranch back in texas is so big, it would take us 3 days just to drive my truck around the whole property". The Vermont farmer responds "yup I had a truck like that once"
Patient just told me a joke yesterday
When you are driving though the field in Texas, you see a lot of cattle. They are very special.
Wanna know why?
They are out standing in the field
In a last ditch effort to curb over grazing, some ranchers have decided to drive their cattle up into the mountains.
Analysts say the steaks have never been higher.
A group of cattle are taking a road trip; who drives?
The steer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So, I was driving and saw a herd of m**... Cattle !
Beef Stroganoff
What does an older cow aspire to drive?
A Cattle-ac.
A guys in a bar turns to another
A rancher walks into a bar and sits next to a rugged old guy with a hat.
He says "I just had the hardest day rounding up my cattle".
The rugged guy responds "oh yeah ? I'm a rancher too. I got a couple hundred acres down by the creek".
The rancher brags "Not bad, not bad, but I can get in my truck in the morning, start driving, and I won't reach the end of my ranch until the next day.
The rugged guy looks at him with pity and says "I feel you, i used to have a truck like that too".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Post tortoise
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of s**... a**... put him up there to begin with."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cowboy walks into a saloon after a 2 month cattle drive. . .
. . . and asks the barman for 2 shots of whiskey and a pretty p**....
"We ain't got no girls here," says the barman. "But if yer desperate enough, Pretty Larry is in the back alley."
"I ain't that desperate," says the cowboy.
A while later the cowboy returns from a 4 month cattle drive, asks the barman for 4 shots and a pretty p**....
"We still ain't got no girls here, but Pretty Larry is still out back in the alley, if'n yer desperate enough."
"Not yet. . ." says the cowboy.
The next time, the cowboy walks in after a 6 month cattle drive. He asks for 6 shots and a pretty p**....
"Still no girls," says the barman, "I don't suppose yer desperate enough for ol' Pretty Larry in the back alley?"
"Well. . ." says the cowboy, "as long as we can keep it a secret I suppose I *am* desperate enough this time."
"Oh sure!" says the barman, "No one will know 'cept me, you, Larry, Jim, and Roy."
"Who're Jim and Roy??" asks the cowboy.
The barman says, "They're the ones who hold Larry down."
A young woman walks into a bar and sits down next to a man wearing a cowboy hat.
"Excuse me sir but are you a real cowboy?"
The man says, "Well I have a ranch and horses. I go to rodeos and raise cattle and other livestock, so yes I suppose I'm a real cowboy."
The woman says, "Well I think I'm a l*sbian. Women are always on my mind whether I'm working eating driving or whatever its still the same. I cant get women off my mind. Yes I think I'm a l*sbian."
The young woman gets up and leaves the coffee shop.
A short time later a young guy comes in and sits down next to the man and asks him, "Sir are you a real cowboy?" To that the man replies, "Well I always thought I was, but just a few minutes ago I found out I'm a l*sbian!"
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