Cats Jokes
149 cats jokes and hilarious cats puns to laugh out loud. Read animal jokes about cats that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Welcome to the amusing world of our Jokes about Cats! If you're fond of feline friends, or you simply appreciate a good bit of humor, our curated collection of cat jokes will certainly keep you entertained.
Sharing a witty one-liner at a gathering or integrating a bit of humor into your daily conversation can truly liven up any situation. These jokes, infused with hilarious feline quirks and cat-tails, can also serve as an interactive method to engage your children in English language learning.
After all, who said learning and fun can't go paw in paw? Remember, a good laugh is just a cat joke away!
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Funniest Cats Short Jokes
Short cats jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cats humour may include short pets jokes also.
- How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed? (Joke from my 10 yr old) You order it from the Cat-alogue
- Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians. Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.
- How to determine the gender of your cat ? pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
- When I was five, my Dad put Snowballs in the blender to make a slushie... I miss snowballs, she was a good cat.
- I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."
- The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
- I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
- This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.
I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot. - A code tester walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders ten beers. Orders 2.15 billion beers. Orders -1 beers. Orders a nothing. Orders a cat. Tries to leave without paying.
- 5 year old daughters first independent joke: What is a cats favourite colour? Purrrrrr-ple
High fives all round!
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Cats One Liners
Which cats one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cats? I can suggest the ones about cat people and cat fur.
- Schrodinger took his cat to the vet. The vet said, I have good news and bad news.
- I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat' You've probably seen our posters.
- Why are there no cats on Mars? Curiosity.
- If the earth really is flat Wouldn't cats have pushed everything off the edge by now?
- First day as a vet Me: What seems to be the problem
Cat: Meow
Me: Yes, but where? - Why don't cats play poker in the forest? Because there are too many cheetahs
- Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree He's wanted dead and alive
- I just gave my cat some 7UP. Now he's got 16 lives.
- I identify as Schrodinger's cat My pronouns are is/isn't.
- My kids cried when I told them I had put ginger in the curry. They loved that cat.
- I think my cats are communists They expect free food and keep talking about Mao.
- Why don't cats make good burglars? They can't get past the laser defenses
- If dogs have masters, what do cats have? Staff.
- Curiosity killed the cat... NASA sincerely apologizes...
- My wife is leaving me because of my mental illness. At least thats what the cat told me.
Cats Dogs Jokes
Here is a list of funny cats dogs jokes and even better cats dogs puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat." "The librarian says, 'It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not!'"
- *A joke my son told me* - What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show? A Cat-Has-Trophey!
- Did you know they tested the mars rover against animal attacks? They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
- I was out on a first date and the lady asked me if I was more of a cat person or a dog person. I said "I'm a vegetarian."
- A guy asked an officer why is a dog called a K9? Because if its K10, it'll be a cat
- A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat. The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."
- What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxi.
- My date asked if I prefer cats or dogs. I replied, "I don't even see them on the menu. What page are you on?"
- I asked a librarian for a book on Schrodinger's Cat and Pavlov's dog She said it rang a bell but she didn't know if it was there or not
- A guy asks a librarian if she has a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat She says, "It rings a bell but I can't be certain."
Cats And Dogs Jokes
Here is a list of funny cats and dogs jokes and even better cats and dogs puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A woman walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat?" The librarian replies, "It rings a bell, but I don't know if it's here or not."
- Why do cats make better medical technicians than dogs? Because dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan.
- What's smarter than a dog, but dumber than a cat? Their owner.
- Dogs are getting stressed and confused because they've noticed their owners are now wearing masks Cats are unaffected though as they're yet to notice their owners at all
- Dogs can't read MRI's... ...but cats can.
- It's raining cats and dogs outside. Know how I can tell? I stepped in a poodle.
- So I ask my local librarian... If she had books on Pavlovs dog and Schrodingers cat. She said they rang a bell but dont know if they are there or not.
- I went to the public library yesterday looking for that one book about Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's cat. The librarian said it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
- When I was little, my parents got me a Dog and a Cat for my birthday. The next day we named the Dog curiosity.
- How do you know it's raining cats and dogs? When you walk outside and step in a poodle.
Dogs And Cats Jokes
Here is a list of funny dogs and cats jokes and even better dogs and cats puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How cats and dogs think Dog: These people feed me, pet me, love me, they must be God.
Cat: These people feed me, pet me, love me, I must be a God.
- Why must you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs? You might step in a poodle.
- What's the wrong way to feed the cat? to the dog.
- The vet said she will put the dog down. "But why?!" exclaimed the owner.
"Because he's heavy." explained the dogtor.
-taken from a cat calendar. - What happens when it's raining cats and dogs? You have to look out for poodles.
- What did they name the Chinese remake of "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs"? It's Raining Cats and Dogs
- My date asked if I'm a cat guy or a dog guy. I said It depends how it's prepared.
- Man it was really raining cats and dogs today. Sure hope I don't step in a poodle.
- When I was younger, I owned a dog named curiosity. I also owned a cat but, you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
- Talking to cats This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.
I came into my house and told my dog... we laughed a lot.
Big Cats Jokes
Here is a list of funny big cats jokes and even better big cats puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Scotsman on holiday: what's yon beast over there? Canadian: That's a moose!
Scotsman: Och, If that's a moose, how big are your cats? - People always tell me I shouldn't give my cat a bath... I don't see what the big deal is. Honestly, it's fine once I get all the hair off my tongue.
- All the big cats gathered for a game of poker. Why did the tiger lose? Because one of his opponents kept on lion. Another had a puma-nent poker face. But the real problem was the cheetah.
- Why did the two big cats get a divorce? Because one was lion and the other was a cheetah
- What do you call a big pile of cats? A Meow-ntain!
- Does anyone else get overtaken by the urge to start singing about big cats? For me, it's always just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
- What's a big cat that can't hear? Def Leppard.
- What big cat shouldn't you take to a rock concert? A Def Leppard
- Today in my biology lesson, my teacher told us that all big cats hunted by hiding, except leapords. When I asked her why, she said, "Well, because they're always spotted."
- A big cat escaped from its enclosure at the zoo yesterday. Almost made me puma pants.
Rib-Tickling Cats Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about cats you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cat human jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cats pranks.
So there is a mother and her daughter sitting on the plane.
They haven't taken off yet and are still on the runway. The daughter, who is pretty young, say four or five, looks out the window and gets to thinking....
"Mommy. If big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens, then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"
And the mom, she's hungover and jet lagged.
"aw, baby, just go ask the stewardess"
So the daughter gets up to ask the flight attendant.
"Hey stewardess lady, if big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"
And the stewardss says "did your mother tell you to come ask me this?" The girl nods.
"well, you see, sweetheart, this is JetBlue. And we always pull out on time. That's why there's no baby airplanes. Go ask your mom about that."
2 blondes in the rain...
2 blondes are leaving a bar when it starts pooring down rain. The first blonde realizes that she left the keys in the car and tries picking the lock. After a couple minutes of trying to open the door, the second blonde freaks out and says, "Hurry up! It's raining cats and dogs and the convertable top is down!"
2 cats are racing across the English Channel,
an English cat named "123" and a French cat named "Un deux t**...." Which cat won the race?
A: The English cat. Un deux t**... cat sank.
What do you call a pile of cats?
a Meowtain
the difference between cats and dogs
dog: this man feeds me, gives me shelter, loves me and asks nothing in return. my owner must be god.
cat: this man feeds me, gives me shelter, loves me and asks nothing in return. I must be god.
The elementary class was learning about addition...
The teacher asks little Johnny, "If I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny thinks about it for a few seconds and says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "No, let's try again. Listen carefully. I give you two, Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more."
Johnny spends a few minutes thinking it out, and again says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "Let's try it another way. If I put two apples on your desk, then two more, and then two more, how many apples would you have?"
Johnny says, "Six."
The teacher says, "Good, now if I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny again says, "Seven."
The teacher, obviously frustrated, yells at Johnny, "Why do you keep saying seven?!"
Johnny says, "Because... I've already got a cat!"
Cats and ladders
A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a fire-fighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied. The fire-fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's t**....
"Little partner," the fire-fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Southwest
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."
3 priests at lunch
So three priests are out to lunch.
One priest goes off about his problem with bats at his church,
"I've tried everything to get rid of them, they just won't leave."
The second priest relates to the first,
"I know! I've tried everything! Cats, spray, noise, light. They just won't go away."
The third priest says,
"Well, I baptized my bats; confirmed them and made them the newest members of my parish, haven't seen one since."
Why are there no cats in Germany?
Because they have nein lives.
How do cats in China say hello?
mǐ hǎo
When cats are sad...
Bartender: "What can I get you?"
Cat: "Shot of tequilla."
*Bartender pours it.*
*Cat slowly pushes it off the bar.*
Cat: "I'll have another."
What do you call 5 cats sitting on top of each other?
A caterpillar
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Two cats are swimming across a river
One is called "One Two Three" the other is called "Un Deux t**...." Which cat survives?
"One Two Three"
because un deux t**... cat sank
Disclaimer; not original, just saw it online and thought you'd all appreciate
Two cats cross a river... first cats name is un deux t**.... The second cats name is one two three. Which cat made it across?
The second cat because un deux t**... cat sank.
When women reach a certain age they start accumulating cats
This is known as many paws
So there are two Cats...
The first cats name is one-two-three and the second cats name is un-deux-t**..., both cats try to cross the river, which cat got across first?
The one-two-three cat, because the un-deux-t**... cat sank
Swimming Cats
There are 2 cats, an English cat and a French cat, in a contest to swim the English Channel. The English cat is called the one two three cat, and the French cat is called the un deux t**... cat. who won?
The English cat. The un deux t**... quatre cinq.
Where do theatrical cats wear their gloves?
On their...
Dramatic Paws
How are cats like empty wine bottles?
I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both.
I've just discovered that I'm allergic to cats.
Either that or I undercooked it.
SCHOOL JOKES,Teacher and student
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
What's the difference between cats and dogs?
A dog thinks:
These people, they love me, provide me with shelter and feed me. They must be gods.
A cat thinks:
These people, they love me, provide me with shelter and feed me. I must be a god.
My wife and I think about wild cats all the time.
But I don't think they think about ocelot.
My girlfriend says she may break up with me because I don't like cats...
I told her, "I like cats, I just can't eat a whole one by myself."
How many cats?
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Two cats are stuck on a roof. Which one falls off first?
One with the smaller mew.
Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Neo n**... are like cats...
If they like you, you're probably feeding them
Source: last week tonight
Did you know cats can jump higher than a house?
This is largely due to the cats powerful hind legs and the fact houses cant jump.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops...
They duck into an abandoned warehouse, each find a an empty sack, and climb into it.
Cops follow and poke the bag with the brunette. The brunette goes woof! The policeman says, Oh, it's just a bag of dogs, and walks on.
They poke the bag with the redhead. The redhead goes meow! The policeman says, Oh, it's just a bag of cats, and walks on.
They poke the bag with the blonde and the blonde goes Potato. Potato.
Earth can not be flat
Because if it was cats would have pushed everything from the edge
A mother and her son are sitting in an airplane.
The kid looks up and asks, "Mommy? If big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"
Mom thinks to herself that he is too young and she doesn't want to get into this so she tells the boy, "Go ask the flight attendant; maybe she can answer that for you."
So, he walks up and asks, "Ma'am, if big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"
She had overheard the mother's attempt to pass this off and replies, "Tell your mom that I said it's because Southwest airlines always pulls out on time and have her explain that to you..."
What is a cats way of keeping law and order?
Claw enforcement!
When a woman gets to a certain age they start to accumulate cats
Apparently it's known as many-paws
A son asked "Dad, how do you tell when someone is drunk? "
Dad: Well, you see those three cats over there? If I was drunk,I would see six.
Son: But Dad, there's only one and a half cats.
The French and the British decided to have two cats swim a race across the English Channel...
They named the French cat "un deux t**... cat" and the British, "one two three cat."
Which cat made it across first?
The British cat, because everyone knows that un deux t**... cat cinq.
When women get to a certain age they begin to accumulate cats
This is known as many paws.
If Black Panther and Storm had kids, what would they be called?
Thunder Cats.
Don't trust cats
I was talking to this cat who insisted he was the biggest house cat in existence.
Turns out he was lion
My religious girlfriend is obsessed with cats.
She's a Catholic catholic.
Flat Earth theory debunked
We can say with certainty that the Earth is not flat because if it was cats would have tossed everything off the edge already.
Two cats are walking through a desert..
..after a long while one of them turns and says, "Dude, I don't get this litter box".
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Curiosity killed them all!
Pets are like countries.
Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.
Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.
Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.
Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.
Want to know how I KNOW the Earth isn't flat?
Cats would've pushed everything off the edge by now.
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Because curiosity killed them all.
I don't know why so many people thought Cats was a bad movie.
They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.
I used to work at a cats home , but I had to leave.
They reduced meowers.
My child will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A cat.
Cats love fish.
An art collector walks by a shop and sees a stray cat drinking from a dish that looks very valuable.
The art collector asks the shop keeper if he could buy the cat.
The shop keeper tells him he can have it for $10.
The art collector asks if he could get the dish as well because the cats already familiar with it.
The shop keeper tells him he can't have it because its his lucky dish.
The art collector asks why it is lucky.
The shop keeper tells him its lucky because he has sold twelve cats this week.
How do we know the earth is round?
Because if it was flat, cats would've pushed everything off the edge by now.
How programmers and cats are alike?
They both can sit in the same position for long time and get excited when they find a bug
A Burglar broke into our house last night. I didn't shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.
Our three cats did the rest.
Accidentally took my cats meds
Don't ask meow
What's a cats favorite color?
Purrrple!
(Told by my 5yo niece.)
TIL that there's no living cats on Mars.
Must be true what they say about Curiosity.
Where do music loving cats go to for vacation
Sing-a-purr
(I know it's cheap, I'll see myself out)
I have just found out that I'm allergic to cats.
Either that or I undercooked it.
Cats can learn up to 50 different words and commands
They just don't want to
The teacher asked Little jimmy, if I give you 4 cats today and 2 more tomorrow, how many cats will you have? Little Jimmy said, Seven The teacher said, no Jimmy, four plus two equals six. Why did you say seven?
Little Jimmy said, because I already have a cat!
I asked my cats "what's five minus five?",
they said nothing.
(My 6 year old's first homemade joke) What kind of clothes do cats wear to bed?
Answer: Paw-jamas
I love cats.
I can't finish a whole one by myself, but…
What do you call it when cats rebel?
Mew-tiny!
What is the best proof we have that the world is not flat?
If it were, cats would have knocked everything off the edge by now.