The Best 85 Cats Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Cats jokes. There are some cats purr jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these cats kitten puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Cats Jokes and Puns
So there is a mother and her daughter sitting on the plane.
They haven't taken off yet and are still on the runway. The daughter, who is pretty young, say four or five, looks out the window and gets to thinking....
"Mommy. If big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens, then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"
And the mom, she's hungover and jet lagged.
"aw, baby, just go ask the stewardess"
So the daughter gets up to ask the flight attendant.
"Hey stewardess lady, if big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"
And the stewardss says "did your mother tell you to come ask me this?" The girl nods.
"well, you see, sweetheart, this is JetBlue. And we always pull out on time. That's why there's no baby airplanes. Go ask your mom about that."
2 blondes in the rain...
2 blondes are leaving a bar when it starts pooring down rain. The first blonde realizes that she left the keys in the car and tries picking the lock. After a couple minutes of trying to open the door, the second blonde freaks out and says, "Hurry up! It's raining cats and dogs and the convertable top is down!"
How cats and dogs think
Dog: These people feed me, pet me, love me, they must be God.
Cat: These people feed me, pet me, love me, I must be a God.
2 cats are racing across the English Channel,
an English cat named "123" and a French cat named "Un deux trois." Which cat won the race?
A: The English cat. Un deux trois cat sank.
What do you call a pile of cats?
a Meowtain
the difference between cats and dogs
dog: this man feeds me, gives me shelter, loves me and asks nothing in return. my owner must be god.
cat: this man feeds me, gives me shelter, loves me and asks nothing in return. I must be god.
The elementary class was learning about addition...
The teacher asks little Johnny, "If I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny thinks about it for a few seconds and says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "No, let's try again. Listen carefully. I give you two, Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more."
Johnny spends a few minutes thinking it out, and again says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "Let's try it another way. If I put two apples on your desk, then two more, and then two more, how many apples would you have?"
Johnny says, "Six."
The teacher says, "Good, now if I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny again says, "Seven."
The teacher, obviously frustrated, yells at Johnny, "Why do you keep saying seven?!"
Johnny says, "Because... I've already got a cat!"
Cats and ladders
A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a fire-fighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied. The fire-fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the fire-fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Southwest
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."
3 priests at lunch
So three priests are out to lunch.
One priest goes off about his problem with bats at his church,
"I've tried everything to get rid of them, they just won't leave."
The second priest relates to the first,
"I know! I've tried everything! Cats, spray, noise, light. They just won't go away."
The third priest says,
"Well, I baptized my bats; confirmed them and made them the newest members of my parish, haven't seen one since."
How do cats in China say hello?
mǐ hǎo
You can explore cats cat reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean cats siamese dad jokes. There are also cats puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
When cats are sad...
Bartender: "What can I get you?"
Cat: "Shot of tequilla."
*Bartender pours it.*
*Cat slowly pushes it off the bar.*
Cat: "I'll have another."
What do you call 5 cats sitting on top of each other?
A caterpillar
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Two cats are swimming across a river
One is called "One Two Three" the other is called "Un Deux Trois." Which cat survives?
"One Two Three"
because un deux trois cat sank
Disclaimer; not original, just saw it online and thought you'd all appreciate
Two cats cross a river... first cats name is un deux trois. The second cats name is one two three. Which cat made it across?
The second cat because un deux trois cat sank.
When women reach a certain age they start accumulating cats
This is known as many paws
So there are two Cats...
The first cats name is one-two-three and the second cats name is un-deux-trois, both cats try to cross the river, which cat got across first?
The one-two-three cat, because the un-deux-trois cat sank
Swimming Cats
There are 2 cats, an English cat and a French cat, in a contest to swim the English Channel. The English cat is called the one two three cat, and the French cat is called the un deux trois cat. who won?
The English cat. The un deux trois quatre cinq.
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Curiosity.
Where do theatrical cats wear their gloves?
On their...
Dramatic Paws
It's raining cats and dogs outside. Know how I can tell?
I stepped in a poodle.
How are cats like empty wine bottles?
I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both.
I've just discovered that I'm allergic to cats.
Either that or I undercooked it.
SCHOOL JOKES,Teacher and student
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Why do cats make better medical technicians than dogs?
Because dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan.
What's the difference between cats and dogs?
A dog thinks:
These people, they love me, provide me with shelter and feed me. They must be gods.
A cat thinks:
These people, they love me, provide me with shelter and feed me. I must be a god.
My wife and I think about wild cats all the time.
But I don't think they think about ocelot.
Why don't cats make good burglars?
They can't get past the laser defenses
My girlfriend says she may break up with me because I don't like cats...
I told her, "I like cats, I just can't eat a whole one by myself."
How many cats?
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Two cats are stuck on a roof. Which one falls off first?
One with the smaller mew.
Dogs can't read MRI's...
...but cats can.
Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Neo nazis are like cats...
If they like you, you're probably feeding them
Source: last week tonight
My date asked if I prefer cats or dogs.
I replied, "I don't even see them on the menu. What page are you on?"
Did you know cats can jump higher than a house?
This is largely due to the cats powerful hind legs and the fact houses cant jump.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops...
They duck into an abandoned warehouse, each find a an empty sack, and climb into it.
Cops follow and poke the bag with the brunette. The brunette goes woof! The policeman says, Oh, it's just a bag of dogs, and walks on.
They poke the bag with the redhead. The redhead goes meow! The policeman says, Oh, it's just a bag of cats, and walks on.
They poke the bag with the blonde and the blonde goes Potato. Potato.
Earth can not be flat
Because if it was cats would have pushed everything from the edge
A mother and her son are sitting in an airplane.
The kid looks up and asks, "Mommy? If big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"
Mom thinks to herself that he is too young and she doesn't want to get into this so she tells the boy, "Go ask the flight attendant; maybe she can answer that for you."
So, he walks up and asks, "Ma'am, if big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"
She had overheard the mother's attempt to pass this off and replies, "Tell your mom that I said it's because Southwest airlines always pulls out on time and have her explain that to you..."
What is a cats way of keeping law and order?
Claw enforcement!
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
When a woman gets to a certain age they start to accumulate cats
Apparently it's known as many-paws
A son asked "Dad, how do you tell when someone is drunk? "
Dad: Well, you see those three cats over there? If I was drunk,I would see six.
Son: But Dad, there's only one and a half cats.
The French and the British decided to have two cats swim a race across the English Channel...
They named the French cat "un deux trois cat" and the British, "one two three cat."
Which cat made it across first?
The British cat, because everyone knows that un deux trois cat cinq.
Why don't cats play poker in the forest?
Because there are too many cheetahs
When women get to a certain age they begin to accumulate cats
This is known as many paws.
If Black Panther and Storm had kids, what would they be called?
Thunder Cats.
Don't trust cats
I was talking to this cat who insisted he was the biggest house cat in existence.
Turns out he was lion
Flat Earth theory debunked
We can say with certainty that the Earth is not flat because if it was cats would have tossed everything off the edge already.
Two cats are walking through a desert..
..after a long while one of them turns and says, "Dude, I don't get this litter box".
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Curiosity killed them all!
Pets are like countries.
Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.
Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.
Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.
Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.
Want to know how I KNOW the Earth isn't flat?
Cats would've pushed everything off the edge by now.
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Because curiosity killed them all.
I don't know why so many people thought Cats was a bad movie.
They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.
I used to work at a cats home , but I had to leave.
They reduced meowers.
My child will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A cat.
Cats love fish.
Scotsman on holiday: what's yon beast over there?
Canadian: That's a moose!
Scotsman: Och, If that's a moose, how big are your cats?
Dogs are getting stressed and confused because they've noticed their owners are now wearing masks
Cats are unaffected though as they're yet to notice their owners at all
How do you know it's raining cats and dogs?
When you walk outside and step in a poodle.
An art collector walks by a shop and sees a stray cat drinking from a dish that looks very valuable.
The art collector asks the shop keeper if he could buy the cat.
The shop keeper tells him he can have it for $10.
The art collector asks if he could get the dish as well because the cats already familiar with it.
The shop keeper tells him he can't have it because its his lucky dish.
The art collector asks why it is lucky.
The shop keeper tells him its lucky because he has sold twelve cats this week.
How do we know the earth is round?
Because if it was flat, cats would've pushed everything off the edge by now.
How programmers and cats are alike?
They both can sit in the same position for long time and get excited when they find a bug
I think my cats are communists
They expect free food and keep talking about Mao.
Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.
Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.
A Burglar broke into our house last night. I didn't shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.
Our three cats did the rest.
Accidentally took my cats meds
Don't ask meow
What's a cats favorite color?
Purrrple!
(Told by my 5yo niece.)
TIL that there's no living cats on Mars.
Must be true what they say about Curiosity.
Where do music loving cats go to for vacation
Sing-a-purr
(I know it's cheap, I'll see myself out)
I have just found out that I'm allergic to cats.
Either that or I undercooked it.
Cats can learn up to 50 different words and commands
They just don't want to
The teacher asked Little jimmy, if I give you 4 cats today and 2 more tomorrow, how many cats will you have? Little Jimmy said, Seven The teacher said, no Jimmy, four plus two equals six. Why did you say seven?
Little Jimmy said, because I already have a cat!
I asked my cats "what's five minus five?",
they said nothing.
5 year old daughters first independent joke: What is a cats favourite colour?
Purrrrrr-ple
High fives all round!
(My 6 year old's first homemade joke) What kind of clothes do cats wear to bed?
Answer: Paw-jamas
Two cats, one french one english had a race across the channel.
The english cat, known by her owners as 123 won. Because the french cat, known by his owners as an du twa, cat sank.
Where is a cats favourite place to vacation?
Meowi (Maui)
From my 10 yr old daughter: What's a cats favorite color?
Purrrrrple.
Did you hear the one about the guy with 40 cats and a boa constrictor?
Sorry, I mean 39 cats and a boa constrictor.
why do cats always get their way
because they are pur-suasive
Why do cats bury their poop?
Because if they bronzed it and put it on a shelf, it would be a catastrophe!
I love cats.
I can't finish a whole one by myself, but…
Today in my biology lesson, my teacher told us that all big cats hunted by hiding, except leapords.
When I asked her why, she said, "Well, because they're always spotted."
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the cats fleas jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working cats paws piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.