Catholics Protestants Jokes
52 catholics protestants jokes and hilarious catholics protestants puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about catholics protestants that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Catholics Protestants Short Jokes
Short catholics protestants jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The catholics protestants humour may include short catholic protestant jokes also.
- One man in the crowd then yelled Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?
- When Catholics accepted the Pope as their leader, some people were unhappy. They came out on the streets with signs and placards. I think they were protestants.
- How do you unite both the Catholics and Protestants in Ireland? By sending in millions of Muslims
- What do you call someone who attends both catholic and protestant church services? They're bisectual
- I don't have a Protestant work ethic... I have the Catholic work ethic; in that I don't work... but I do feel very guilty about it.
- A Jew, a Muslim, a Catholic, a Protestant, and an Atheist go into a pub. They all have a nice lunch and leave.
- One man in the crowd stood up and yelled So, is it the Catholic God you don't believe in or the Protestant God?
- I was born a Catholic Which came as a big surprise to my parents who were both protestants.
Source: Irish actor Michael Redmond (Fr. Stone in Fr. Ted) on 'An Irishman Abroad' podcast. - Protestant humor: Wherever you find four Catholics, you'll find a fifth. Of Whiskey for those who may not get it.
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Catholics Protestants One Liners
Which catholics protestants one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with catholics protestants? I can suggest the ones about protestant and catholic irish.
- Why are all early birds Catholics? Protestant birds don't really want a Diet of Worms.
- If Catholics are in a demonstration... ... Are they Protestants?
- What do you call a Protesting Catholic? A Lutheran!
- I prefer Protestant orange juice to Catholic orange juice... It's Pulp-free
- What types of religion do they have in the south? Both kinds, Protestant *and* Catholic.
Cheerful Catholics Protestants Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!
What funny jokes about catholics protestants you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean catholic jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make catholics protestants pranks.
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off...
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious?" "Yes," he said, I said, "me too! Are you Christian?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are you Episcopalian? Lutheran? Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic s**...!" and pushed him off.
Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this
time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why
didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
through?""
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a p**...."
"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.
The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a p**..., Daddy!
Sniff, sniff."
"Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"
Another Irish Joke
All these Irish jokes reminded me of one of my favorites:
A Catholic foreigner is walking down a street at night in Ireland when a man grabs him and holds a knife to his neck. The assailant yells,
"Are ye Protestant er Catholic?"
Terrified, the man thinks to himself, *if lie and tell him I'm Protestant, he may very well be Catholic. But if I tell the truth and say I'm Catholic, there's a large chance he'll be Protestant!*
So the man says, "Jewish"
The assailant grins and says "Lordy! I'm the luckiest Palestinian in all of Ireland!"
Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge
Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge and I saw this guy about to jump.
I said, "Don't jump."
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! What denomination?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference, or Northern Conservative Baptist, Eastern Conference?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him off.
--Emo Philips
An Atheist tourist was walking around Belfast ...
An Atheist tourist was walking around Belfast and noticed all the community centre events for either Catholics or Protestants. After checking out yet another board, he asked a staff member:
Atheist: "What do you do in this town if you're an Atheist?"
Staff member: "Well sir, that depends on whether you're a Catholic atheist or a Protestant atheist."
Catholic, Protestant and Jew debate
The Catholic argues that life begins at conception; the protestant claims that life begins at birth. The Jew states that life begins when the kids move out and the dog dies.
At catholic school...
A nun teaching catholic school asks the children what they want to be when they grow up.
Mary says, "I want to be a p**...!"
Shocked, the nun says, "What did you just say?"
Mary says, "I said I want to be a p**...!"
The nun replied, "Oh thank heavens. I thought you said you wanted to be a protestant."
Its the Christians vs Muslims football game...
and the Christians score a goal. From his seat in heaven, surrounded by angels, God cheers.
after a while the Muslims score a goal. Again God cheers. The angels are now confused... "Whose side are you on, Lord?", they ask. "Niether", replies God, "I am just enjoying the game."
(modified from Catholics vs Protestants)
Irish sectarianism joke
An American is visiting Ireland, and walking back to his hotel from the local pub. Suddenly he hears a voice behind him, demanding, "Are you a protestant or a catholic??". The American is well aware of the sectarian issues in Ireland and is understandably afraid to admit to either affiliation. In a flash of inspiration he responds, "neither, in Jewish!". And the voice comes back, "I must be the luckiest Palestinian in all of Ireland!"
Heresy
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic s**...!" and pushed him off.
~Emo Philips
I was walking across a bridge...
and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.
I said, "Well there's so much to live for."
"Like what?"
"Well, are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Baptist or Episcopalian!"
"Baptist."
"Me too! Are you Baptist Church or God or Reformed Baptist Church of God"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1893 or Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917."
To which I said, "Die, heretic s**...!" as I pushed him off the bridge.
A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship.
The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.
An Irish mobster approached a man on the street...
He demanded "what are you, protestant or catholic?"
The man said "i'm atheist actually"
The mobster thought for a second and said "protestant atheist or catholic atheist?"
A young Irish lad goes up to his parents..
"Mum, dad, after much soul-searching, I've decided I'm an atheist" he says.
"Yes yes, that's all fine." says the father. "But are you a Catholic atheist or a Protestant atheist?"
A Catholic school teacher asks the children who they want to be when they grow up
A Catholic school teacher asks the children who they want to be when they grow up when one girl raises her hand and says "I want to be a p**..."
"A WHAT???" yells the incredulous teacher
"A p**..." says the girl calmly
"Whew thank Heavens, I thought you said 'Protestant'"
Three women are going back to visit the Catholic school that they grew up in, and they find the nun who taught them as children.
"So what have you young ladies been doing with your lives?" the nun asks.
The first woman responds, "Well, I've become an engineer, I'm married and I have three kids."
The second woman says, "I've become an accountant, and I'm happily married with two children!"
The third woman slowly responds, "Well... Um, I'm... I'm a p**......"
"You're a WHAT???" says the nun, furiously.
"Well... I'm a p**...."
"Oh, thank God," the nun says, "I thought you said you were a Protestant!"
So an atheist man lives in a over conservative Irish neighborhood...
... and calls a cab. The heavily accented cab driver says to him, "Before you get in, I gotta know your religion."
So he replied, "Oh, no, I'm an atheist, actually."
The cab driver stared at him a moment before asking, "Yeah, but is it the Catholic God you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"
A nun is teaching class in a Catholic children's home.
She asks the students what they want to be when they grow up. One says a teacher, the other says doctor, the other says engineer and so on. Finally the question lands on quiet little girl in the back.
Nun: What would you like to be when you grow up?
Girl: I'm afraid to say it out loud.
Nun: Then come whisper it into my ear.
The girl scurries over and whispers something. The nuns face boils. She is both shocked and horrified. She screams "What did you say?!?!"
The girl startled yells out " I said I want to be a p**...!"
The nun replies relieved " Oh thank the heavens I thought you said Protestant."
How are we going to raise the child???
I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby? Because he's Jewish and I'm Protestant and the baby's father is Catholic.
An American walks into an Irish pub
An Irishman yells, "Oi, y**...! Are you Catholic or are you Protestant?"
"Err... I'm atheist," the tourist says awkwardly.
"Ahh, but which one don't you believe in?"
God comes to my town...
...and asks the catholic priest: "do you need me to take care of anything?" The priest replies; "would you kill the protestant pastor?" Concerned God goes to the pastor and asks him the same question and the pastor answers; "would you kill the catholic priest?". Frustrated, God goes to the rabbi and asks him the same question. The rabbi says; "Lord, it would be enough for me if you answer the prayers of the priest and the pastor."
The Jew says...
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.
Catholic: I have a large fortune… I am going to buy Citibank!
Protestant: I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!
Muslim: I am a fabulously rich prince… I intend to purchase Microsoft!
They all wait for the Jew to speak…
The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee,
looks at them and casually says: I'm not selling!!
A man was walking through Northern Ireland in 1975
Someone in a mask came up behind him and put a knife against his t**.... Are you Catholic or Protestant? he shouted.
The man realised if he said he was Catholic and his assailant was Protestant, he was dead. Likewise, if he said he was Protestant and his assailant was Catholic, he was dead. After some quick thinking, he came up with a smart answer.
I'm Jewish! he said quickly.
The attacker replied Wow, I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland!
A Protestant and a Catholic are sitting in a pub
A Protestant and a Catholic are sitting in a pub talking about birth control.
The Protestant says to the Catholic, "My religion allows me to use a c**... when I make love to my wife but yours does not. Yet I've got 14 children and you have only 2. How can this be?"
The Catholic replies, "It's quite simple, I have s**... during the safe times of the day."
"And when is that ?" asks the Protestant.
"When you're at work." replies the Catholic.
An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest.
An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest and tells him, "Father, me old dog died. Can ye say a wee mass for the old gal?"
"No. Can't do it. The Church doesn't do f**... mass for pets, but I'll tell you what, the Protestant church down the hill will most likely do it. They don't have the same high standards that we do."
"Fine father, but I have one more question for ye. Would two hundred euro be enough of a donation to thank them for their services."
The priest's eye grew wide and he slapped the man on the back telling him, "Ahhh, man, why didn't you TELL me that your dog was Catholic?!"
An Irish man is walking home late one night when another man puts a gun to the back of his head...
The other man asks: Are you Catholic, or Protestant?
The Irish man thinks to himself. 'If I say I am a Catholic and he is a Protestant, I'm dead. If I say I'm Protestant and he is a Catholic, I'm dead. What am I to say? Ah! I got it!'
I am a Muslim.
I am the luckiest Jew on this whole island then...
A man is walking down the street in Belfast one dark night
when he feels a gun pressed into his back and he gets steered into a dark alleyway.
"Alright," the voice behind him says, "Are ye Catholic or Protestant?"
Knowing that the wrong choice might kill him, the man stutters, "I -- I'm Jewish!"
"Well!" the gunman says, "If that don't just make me the luckiest Muslim in Ireland!"
A 10 year old protestant boy and a 10 year old catholic girl are standing on a river bank.
The girl says, "my mom will be really angry if my shoes get wet"
And so they both agree to remove their shoes prior to entering the water.
They wade into the water and it starts getting deeper. The boy "says well my mom will hate me if I ruin my new pants"
And so they remove their pants.
Once they ensure that every item of cloths is out of harms way... they take a good look at each other.
"Strange", the girl says, "I didn't think protestants and catholics were THAT different!"
Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila says:
"When I grow up, I want to be a p**...!" Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barks: "What the **** did you say?"
"A p**...!" Sheila repeats. Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"
Jewish man gets stopped at a checkpoint in Ireland by two Irishmen with rifles.
Jewish man gets stopped at a checkpoint in Ireland by two Irishmen with rifles.
"Eh, what are ya, protestant or catholic?"
Man: "I'm jewish!"
Guard: (pauses, confers with fellow guard)
"Jewish catholic or jewish protestant?"
A man's dog dies
A man's dog dies, he had been his only companion for years.
So he goes to the nearest Catholic Church and asks for a f**... mass.
The priest said my son I can't give a mass for a dog. The pope would excommunicate me!
The man replies he's been my companion for 18 years. I saw there was a protestant Church down the street and I want to give a $5000 Dollar donation.
The priest replied, son you didn't tell me that the dog was Catholic.
Back in the 80's I was walking in Belfast when I was accosted by a masked man, brandishing a gun.
He asked "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant"? I replied "Neither, I'm an Atheist". The Gunman was silent for a moment, then finally said "Is that a Catholic Atheist or a Protestant Atheist"?
Quentin Crisp Quote
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?