The Best 52 Catholics Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Catholics jokes. There are some catholics baptists jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these catholics catholic nun puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Catholics Jokes and Puns
An Atheist tourist was walking around Belfast ...
An Atheist tourist was walking around Belfast and noticed all the community centre events for either Catholics or Protestants. After checking out yet another board, he asked a staff member:
Atheist: "What do you do in this town if you're an Atheist?"
Staff member: "Well sir, that depends on whether you're a Catholic atheist or a Protestant atheist."
A recently deceased man was being shown around heaven.
St Peter was looking after him by showing him the various facilities that were available. At the end of the tour, St Peter asked the man if he had any questions.
The man could only think of one. He pointed to a long wall running along one side. "Why do you have a wall there?" asked the man.
St Peter sighed and said, "That is for the Catholics. They`re on the other side. They like to think that they are the only ones here."
What's the difference between mass and weight?
Mass is where Catholics go on Sunday, and weight is where sundaes go on Catholics.
(From a poster on the ceiling in my dentists office)
Here in California Catholics use non-fat, high fiber communion wafers.
They call them "I can't believe it's not Jesus"
Paddy in New York
Paddy was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would allow traffic to resume.
The officer had done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across ?'
When do Catholics allow the use of condoms?
When the choir boys have diarrhea.
What do Catholics and Baptists have in common?
Neither acknowledge their fellow church-goers at the liquor store.
Mafia florists
Some Italian mafia members own a florist shop in a city. Theirs is the only florist is the area, and so they control most of the flower business in the area.
One day, however, another florist shop opens up across the street. Afraid for their business, the mafia send one of theirs to rustle the place up, maybe scare them off. But he comes back to report that the florists are all friars! Being devout Catholics, they can't mess with the good friars.
The mafia boss has a solution. He turns to a guy named Hugh.
"Hey Hugh, you're atheist, right?"
"Yes."
"You you'll have no qualms about shaking up that flower shop?"
"I don't see why I would, boss."
Then he puts his hand on Hugh's shoulder, turns to the rest of the group, and says,
"Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."
Why do Catholics not fight during church?
Because Mass-Debating is wrong
(read it out loud)
Its the Christians vs Muslims football game...
and the Christians score a goal. From his seat in heaven, surrounded by angels, God cheers.
after a while the Muslims score a goal. Again God cheers. The angels are now confused... "Whose side are you on, Lord?", they ask. "Niether", replies God, "I am just enjoying the game."
(modified from Catholics vs Protestants)
Irish Catholics [and possibly some Jews] will appreciate this one
Q; How many Irish Catholic Mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A; Ahhh, don't you worry about that son, you just go out with your fancy women while I sit here home alone in the dark.
You can explore catholics nuns reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean catholics christians dad jokes. There are also catholics puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What do you usually find with four Catholics?
A fifth.
How are Mormons better than Catholics?
They marry the children before they molest them!
Catholics don't believe in condoms which is fair enough, but how do they suggest I smuggle heroin!
How do you unite both the Catholics and Protestants in Ireland?
By sending in millions of Muslims
If Catholics are in a demonstration...
... Are they Protestants?
Do you know how many 3rd party sects the catholic church is protecting?
None, catholics aren't allowed to have protected sects.
I don't know why everyone dislikes catholics...
They are putting so much into the youth.
A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship.
The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.
What's the difference between a Baptist and a Catholic?
Catholics acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle.
Extra:
What's the difference between Catholics and Lutherans? Catholics just acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle, Lutherans have a 15 minute conversation about booze.
Why are all early birds Catholics?
Protestant birds don't really want a Diet of Worms.
I told my parents that I lost my virginity.
Which they didn't take well, considering they're Catholics.
They sat me down and said, "You must beg to God for forgiveness."
So I got down on my knees and said, "God, I've done enough kneeling today, please forgive me!"
Protestant humor: Wherever you find four Catholics, you'll find a fifth.
Of Whiskey for those who may not get it.
Catholics are weird.
They're pretty un-Orthodox.
Teacher and student
Chemistry teacher: Did you know protons have mass?
Student: 😳 I didn't even know they were catholics.
What's the difference between Catholics and Baptists?
Catholics wave at each other in the liquor store.
Why don't Catholics get insurance?
Because everything is an act of God.
How do Catholics spend money online?
Papal.
How many syllables does the word "Gloria" have?
Catholics: 18
What's two things that partying Catholics and Jesus Christ have in common?
They both get hammered and nailed.
Catholics fail trigonometry because they're afraid of sin
Irish people fail trigonometry because they can't tan.
Everyone else fails trigonometry just cos.
Why was Jesus crucified and not electrocuted?
Because if they had electrocuted him, today, 100 million Catholics wouldn't bless themselves with a cross. They would scream "Aaaarrrrrgggghhh!" and shake.
Why do Catholics make the best Communists?
They're fine with standing in line for bread.
Why do Catholics eat the body of Christ?
It's Saviory.
What do you call a gathering of judgmental Catholics?
Critical Mass.
Why do Catholics tend to have so many children?
Because even the virgins sometimes get pregnant.
It's almost Lent again
The time when 9 out of 10 Catholics go Ok, it's time to pretend I'm fully committed to this whole 'being Catholic' thing.
Do Catholics fail trigonometry...
cause they are afraid of sin?
It's upsetting how obsessed Catholics are with this whole "Body Of Christ" thing
He's really smart and interesting, and has got an amazing personality, too, but it's not like anyone that shallow would ever bother finding out.
Why are Catholics against abortion?
Because no one likes having their toys taken away.
Jesus Christ wasn't white...
But according to Catholics he's still a cracker.
Whenever you see four Catholics congregating,
You'll always see a fifth.
In memory of the late George Carlin
Catholics hate abortions.
Catholics hate homosexuals.
But who has less abortions than homosexuals?
How many Catholics does it take to mentally scar a child for life?
Nun.
What is the difference between the Roman Catholic Church and the Russian Orthodox Church?
The Roman Catholics drink Holy Wine while the Russian Orthodox drink Holy Vodka.
A bus full of Catholics and a coach load of Jews all arrive at the same church
There was mass confusion.
The Pope, Xi Jinping and Donald Trump are summoned by God
"OK", said God, "the world's gonna end in 20 years, go back and prepare your people".
The Pope prepared a great mass at St. Peter's Square and announced "Dear Catholics, I have good and bad news. Rejoice, for God is real, but also repent, for the end of the world is coming in 20 years".
Xi Jinping held a speech in front of the CCP. "Horrible news, comrades, not only is God real, he also told us the world is coming to an end in 20 years".
Trump tweeted "Great news everyone! God knows I'm important!"
A man dies and goes to hell where he finds himself in the middle of a tour.
The tour guide walks them to a room of people covered in scorpions and says- Here is where all of the Catholics go. He then takes them to a room where all of the people are burning alive- This is where all of the baptists go. He then walks the group into a beautiful valley where children are running and playing with smiles on their faces. Furious, the tour guide grabs his phone, makes a call and yells- The damned mormons are irrigating again.
Catholics have been lobbying for vaccine exemptions
Because theres nothing more catholic than someone else dying for your sins
What is large, white, lies at the bottom of the ocean, and eats Blacks, Catholics, and Jews?
Ku Klux Klam
When Catholics accepted the Pope as their leader, some people were unhappy. They came out on the streets with signs and placards.
I think they were protestants.
Why can't muggers catch Catholics during Lent?
They fast.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the catholics catholic confirmation jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working catholics catholic guilt piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.