Catholic School Jokes

Following is our collection of protestant humor and father one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Catholic School puns for adults, dirty episcopalian jokes or clean archbishop gags for kids.

There is an abundance of catholicism jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 51 funniest jokes on catholic school. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any enroll witze you can hear about catholic school.

The Best jokes about Catholic School

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest

"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says

"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."

God is watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples

At catholic school...

A nun teaching catholic school asks the children what they want to be when they grow up.

Mary says, "I want to be a prostitute!"

Shocked, the nun says, "What did you just say?"

Mary says, "I said I want to be a prostitute!"

The nun replied, "Oh thank heavens. I thought you said you wanted to be a protestant."

They are serious!

A boy is getting all Ds and Fs in math so his parents send him to Catholic school. On his first report card, his parents are shocked to see their son getting straight As. When his parents ask him why, he says, Well, when I went into the chapel and saw that guy nailed to a plus sign, I knew they were serious.

Little Johnny is in Catholic School

The nun teaching the class asks, "Where do you sense Jesus in your life?"

Little Susie, being a good girl says, "I see Jesus when I pray."

Little Timmy says, "I can feel Jesus' presence during Mass."

Little Johnny, with his hand waving eagerly in the air, is finally called on. Johnny says, "Jesus is in my bathroom every morning."

The nun, obviously confused, asks why Johnny thinks this.

Little Johnny answers saying, "Each morning that my Father is late to work, he pounds on the bathroom door saying, 'JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?"

A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math.

A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s in math. The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?" "You know", the son explains, "when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!

Little Jewish boy that can't understand math

Two Jewish parents are very concerned that their little boy is failing at mathematics. They exhaust every method of tutoring and schooling, until they reach their last resort.... Catholic School.

The very next day little Elisha comes home from school, runs to his room, and began studying. To the parents astonishment when his reportcard arrives he has an A in math!!

They asked Elisha what the difference was and he replied," When I saw what they did to the poor guy on the plus sign I knew they were serious!!"

After a tragic fire in a Catholic school, three young ladies arrived in Heaven

They were met by St. Peter, who told them that all each
of them had to do to be admitted beyond the pearly gates was to answer a question about the Bible.

The first young woman faced St. Peter "What," he asked, "was the name of the first man?"
"Adam" she answered, and was admitted.

The second young woman approached St Peter. "What," he asked," was the name the first woman?"
"Eve," she said, and the gates swung wide for her.

The third young woman approached St. Peter. "What," he asked, "was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

The young woman wrung her hands.
"Gee sir, that's hard."

St. Peter stepped aside and admitted her.

Three women are going back to visit the Catholic school that they grew up in, and they find the nun who taught them as children.

"So what have you young ladies been doing with your lives?" the nun asks.

The first woman responds, "Well, I've become an engineer, I'm married and I have three kids."

The second woman says, "I've become an accountant, and I'm happily married with two children!"

The third woman slowly responds, "Well... Um, I'm... I'm a prostitute..."

"You're a WHAT???" says the nun, furiously.

"Well... I'm a prostitute."

"Oh, thank God," the nun says, "I thought you said you were a Protestant!"

Catholic School

So there's a bad jewish kid and he swears all the time. He gets expelled from school. His behavior combined with the town he lives in being so small where everyone knows everyone's business, causes his family to become pariahs.

Desperate for a solution, the parents ask the local Rabbi for help who suggests sending the boy to a *yeshiva* - a Jewish private school. The parents try this, but sadly, this seemed to make him worse, now he swears in both English and Hebrew.

The next week, Thanksgiving rolls around and the parents have the neighbors over to eat Turkey with them. The neighbor after a while can't help but remark "I know it's not my place, but your son is very unruly."

The parents sigh and say they have no idea what to do with him. The neighbor replies "I know you're Jewish but try Catholic School. Those nuns instill serious discipline in children."

Feeling out of options, the parents do enroll the son in Catholic School, and that same day he comes home from school the model son they always wished he was.

The parents are flabbergasted. They ask "Did the nuns beat you?", and the son replies "No mother, they did not." So the parent's say "Then how did this happen?" and the son replied "Well, when I saw the guy hanging on the wall there, I knew they meant business!"

A catholic school teacher was teaching a lesson one morning and asked his students where Jesus was.

"Yes Susie" he said as he called on Susie whose hand was raised. "He's in heaven!" She shouted with pride. He called on Steven who said "He was in his heart" The only boy left with his hand raised with had the most unusual answer "He's in my bathroom!" Everyone had a puzzled look on his/her face. "Yeah!" Said the boy.. "My father bangs on the door every morning saying 'Jesus Christ, ya still in there?"

A Jewish kid's parents sent him to a Jewish school

After a week he was kicked for bad behavior, so they sent him to another Jewish school. He was kicked from there as well, so they chose to send him to a Catholic school instead.

After a month they came to a school meeting, and the teachers praised the kid and said he does really well.

They asked the kid what was up. He said that at his first day at school, while they were showing him around, the teacher showed him a man hanged on a cross and said "See? He was Jewish too".

Two Irish men are sitting in bar in New York....

The one Irish man turns to the other and asks him where he is from. The second Irish man responds by saying, " I'm from northern Ireland."
"Me too!" Says the first Irish man. He proceeds to ask the second Irish man where he went to school.
"St. Mary's Catholic church"
"Me too! What year did you graduate?"
"Oh! Me too" they went on for a while discussing the similarities between their lives. One local turns to the bartender and asks, "What's with those guys?". Casually, the bartender replies, "it looks like the O'malley twins have had too much to drink again."

A young kid was smart, but was failing math.

He simply refused to apply himself. The parents tried everything to no avail. Finally, in desperation, they put him into a private Catholic school. When they got his first report card they were delighted to see he got an A in math. They asked him what had finally motivated him. He said "When I first walked into the school and saw that guy on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew these guys were serious."

The most famous person of all times

Who is the most famous person of all times. That was a subject of a contest among Catholic School's 5th graders with $100 prize. The teacher asked Jon first. He said it was Bill Clinton. The next one was Kevin who said it was Gorge Washington. After collecting responses from almost all participants the teacher with not much hope asked the last girl, Sarah, who happen to be Jewish. Sara raised and said. I think it was Jesus. The teacher was jubilant and pronounced Sarah as the winner of $100. After school the teacher approached Sarah and asked her. How come you as a Jew chose Jesus instead of Moses? To that Sarah replied. Sure, Moses is my hero, but business is business.

Boy pokes girl with a pencil

A boy sits behind a girl he likes in Catholic school and he shows it by poking her in the back with a pencil. One day during class the teacher asks:

"Who was the one that created the universe?"

The boy pokes the girl with his pencil and she jumps up and says:

"Oh God!"

Afterward the teacher asks:

"Okay, who's the one that died for our sins?"

The boy pokes the girl with his pencil a second time and she jumps up and says:

"Jesus Christ!"

The teacher then asks:

"What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 23rd kid?"

The boy once again pokes the girl with his pencil so she turns around and says to him:

"If you stick that thing into me one more time I'm gonna break it in half!"

Why do kids at Catholic schools learn sex ed faster?

Because their lessons are more hands-on.

A little Jewish boy in Catholic school

There was once a little Jewish boy who for the life of him was terrible at math. His parents had tried everything and nothing seemed to be working, so as their last resort they decided to send him to the local Catholic school because it had the best math program in the area.
The first day, and every day after, the little boy came home and went straight upstairs and did all his homework. When they finally received his report card he had straight A's. They were baffled an very curious about what the school did that worked so well, so they asked him "Son, what did this school do differently that helped you learn so well"
the son replied "Well, "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"

There is this Jewish boy who was born into a nice family...

There is this Jewish boy who was born into a nice family. He was a very smart boy, but he never did well in school because he lacked motivation. His parents tried everything: meeting with his teachers, one on one tutoring, etc.; however, nothing seemed to help. Eventually, they decided to send him to a private school, thinking a different environment would him good. Unfortunately, there are not many Jewish private schools, so they had to settle on sending him to a Catholic school. Surprisingly, this worked. The parents got his first report card and were astounded: all A's. The parents wondered what brought about the change. They said to their son "You made all A's! Even in math! (previously his worst subject) what changed?" The son replied "When I walked in on the first day and saw the Jewish guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they were serious."

A Jewish boy comes home with his report card.

His parents take a look and see:

English: A
Science: A
History: A
Math: F

They tell him he's grounded until they see improvement, but when the next report card comes he gets an F in math yet again! After thinking hard about what to do this time, they decide they must send him to Catholic school.

After just one term at Catholic school he comes home with an A in Math! The father asks, "Son, what made this time so different?"

He replies, "Well when I saw that kid nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

An old one my late grandmother used to tell

In a Catholic school English classroom, a nun was giving the lesson.

"Today, children, we'll be talking about rhyme. Does anyone have a rhyme they'd like to share?"

Several little hands shot up. The nun pointed to the smallest girl, Sally, in the front.

"Hey, diddle, diddle,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed
To see such sport,
And the dish ran away with the spoon."

"Very good, Sally." said the nun. "Who else?" She called on a little boy, Jack.

"It has my name in it!
Jack, be nimble,
Jack, be quick,
Jack, jump over
The candlestick.

Jack jumped high
Jack jumped low
Jack jumped over
and burned his toe."

"Wonderful rhyme, Jack!" replied the nun. Now, in the back of the class sat Michael. Michael came from a loud Irish family and was known as a troublemaker. The nun had tried to pick the other students before him, but he was beginning to make a commotion so she sighed and called out "yes, Michael."

"I've got a rhyme for you, Sister" he said.
"Mary came from Boston, Mass. and went into the water up to her knees."

"Michael," began the nun, "that doesn't rhyme."

"Oh, I know Sister. But wait until the tide comes in."

The Catholic church wants more people interested in priesthood.

They have got a lot of bad publicity lately so they just released a new campaign. They are offering scholarships for 100 lucky boys that can attend private school to become a priest for free.

Their slogan: "Find the priest inside of you."

Apparently there's a lack of sex education being taught in school

Which is why I'm glad the Catholic church has taken matters into their own hands.

I was arguing with friends over what school weighed the most.

One friend said high schools because the kids are older and weigh more.

Another said definitely colleges, not only do the students weigh more than high school students, there's so many more people.

I said you're both wrong, it's definitely Catholic schools, they have more mass.

An 8 year old boy was horrendous at math.

His parents were worried about his math skills and decided to enroll him in a Catholic school. After the boy's first report card came out, he had straight A's in his math class. His father asked the boy, "How did the Catholic school make you better at math?" The boy responded with, "I never took math seriously but when walked in to my new school and saw the man nailed to the plus sign, I knew this place meant business!"

A Jewish Atheist enrolls his son in Catholic school

A Jewish atheist hears that the best school in town happens to be Catholic, so he enrolls his son. Things are going well until one day the boy comes home and says, I just learned all about the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.

The boy's father is barely able to control his rage. He grabs his son by the shoulders and says, Son, this is very important, so listen carefully. There is only ONE God — and we don't believe in Him!

A kid was doing horribly in math class..

He always brought home an F or C- on his report card. His parents decided to put him in a private catholic school to help him improve. All of a sudden his grades improved drastically. He had an A+ on every report card for Math. His parents finally asked, "Son, what changed? How did you improve so much in your Math class?" He responded, "Well, when I walked in to class on the first day I saw a picture of a man nailed to a plus sign, so I knew they meant business."

At snack time at a Catholic elementary school there was a tray of apples. A note beside them read "Take only ONE. God is watching." At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note,

"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Two girls in a Catholic convent school.

One whispers to the other: "There's a contraceptive hidden behind the radiator!"

The other whispers back: "What's a radiator?"

A young boy....

A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to private school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math! Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies. "They must be teaching you some new tricks!" "Not really." "Then what do you think is making the difference in your grades?" "Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!" :s

As Dumbledore stood there stroking his wand

Harry regretted transferring to Catholic School

When I was a young boy, I was bad at Maths

I was so bad that I was expelled from my school for failing that subject so often. Because of this, my father sent me to Catholic school and after going for a year, my grades improved. The reason being, the second I walked through that door and saw the guy nailed to the fricking plus sign, I knew this school meant business.

What's the easiest class in a Catholic school?


It has no facts to memorize

How do students in catholic school get informed that the lecture has ended?

Christian Bale

A father is concerned with his son's bad grades in math

so he decides to enroll him in a Catholic school. After the first marking period, the son has an A in math.

The father is pleased, but he asks his son, "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?"

The son replies, "I knew they meant business when I saw the guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign!"

Little Johnny was having trouble with school...

Little Johnny was having trouble with school and his parents just didn't know what to do. They tried giving him private tutors, remedial classes, and even sent him to a summer boarding school.

Nothing seemed to work and as a final act of desperation, they sent him to their local Catholic School.

After coming home from the first day, Johnny went straight up to his room and began studying. Only coming back down to eat dinner, Johnny stayed in his room and studied till bedtime.

A few weeks later, his parents were overwhelmed to see that Johnny had improved his grades, especially his math grade which had been the worst of the lot.

They praised their son but were also quite interested in what had caused the improvement.

"Was it the nuns? The curriculum?" they asked.

Johnny shook his head and replied, "At first I didn't take them seriously, but when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"

The Jewish Kid at the Catholic School

A Jewish family just moved into a new town because of the fathers work and are looking for a good school for their son to attend. Since the public schools are notoriously terrible, they look to the private schools. After asking around, they learn that St. John's Academy is by far their best option. The boy is a great student and does well in every subject. Except math. Year after year he fails math. His parents are confused because he is such an excellent student in all other subjects. They even get him a tutor, but he continues to fail.
A few years later, they move again. Another new school. But this time it is a public school. He passes math the first semester with an A. His parents ask him why math had been so hard for him at St. John's.
He replied "Well in the classroom they had a picture of a guy nailed to a plus sign and I couldn't focus because I thought I was next!"

Sex Ed teacher wanted for Blessed Virgin Mary Catholic School

No experience necessary.

A Catholic school teacher asks the children who they want to be when they grow up

A Catholic school teacher asks the children who they want to be when they grow up when one girl raises her hand and says "I want to be a prostitute"

"A WHAT???" yells the incredulous teacher

"A prostitute" says the girl calmly

"Whew thank Heavens, I thought you said 'Protestant'"

A catholic kid is in school and needs help

While the teacher was helping the student, he suddenly makes a mistake

Teacher: Oh, you need to erase that

Kid: I can't

Teacher: Why?

Kid: Because I didn't bring a rubber

Teacher: Why not?

Kid: Because my dad said it's a sin to use a rubber

At the local catholic high school dance, all the DJ's jokes were about me...

I was the only person in the punch line.

What do mass shootings and Catholic high schools have in common?

THOTs and prayers

What do you call a group of Angel Fish?

A Catholic School!

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one.

God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

What do a Catholic Priest and a school-gunman have in common?

They both like shooting into little boys.

I visited a Catholic engineering school yesterday

It was called Our Lady of Perpetual Motion

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one.

God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Why do cannibals hang around the Catholic school?

It's a good source of pro-teens.

Classic joke at my Catholic High School

I went up to a man and said "Jesus is the messiah"

He said "No way"

I said "Yah-weh"

The teacher put the word "circumcise" on my 10 year old's spelling test.

I'm pulling him out of education. No decent private school hires a Catholic teacher.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes