Catholic Priest Jokes
129 catholic priest jokes and hilarious catholic priest puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about catholic priest that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Catholic Priest Short Jokes
Short catholic priest jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The catholic priest humour may include short irish priest jokes also.
- What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage? "Let us prey."
- Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he's looking for two child molesters. Catholic priests looking at each other: We'll do it!
- What's the difference between a coal mining company and catholic priests? A coal mining company puts miners in shafts.
- How do you advertise a boxing match between a Hispanic construction worker, and a Catholic priest. Alien vs predator
- What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and a Zit? A zit will wait till your twelve years old to come on your face.
- What's the difference between a catholic priest and acne? Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he hits puberty.
- A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church... The priest says, "Hey hey hey, you're not allowed here."
The Higgs boson says, "But without me, there would be no mass." - A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church.. Priest: "I'm sorry we don't allow Higgs bosons in here."
Higgs boson: "oh I'm sorry, but without me you can't have mass." - What's the difference between a Catholic priest and spots? Spots don't usually come on your face until you're around 13
- Did you hear about the priest who gave his congregation noodles instead of wafers for communion? He was a Ramen Catholic.
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Catholic Priest One Liners
Which catholic priest one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with catholic priest? I can suggest the ones about priest and preaching priest.
- Why are catholic priests called father? Because "daddy" would be too suspicious
- New dating app for German Catholic Priests Kinder
- How did the catholic priest play the piano? In A minor.
- What dating app do Catholic Priests use? Amber Alerts.
- Why don't catholic priest believe in condoms? Because little boys can't get pregnant.
- How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession? Howdy, pardoner!
- How do Catholic church priests stay healthy? They exorcise.
- A Catholic priest walks into a bar He didn't realize his cell was so small
- Why do catholic priests love Halloween? Free delivery!
- What does Walmart and catholic priest have in common. They both have boys pants half off.
- Why shouldn't we talk about Catholic Priests? It's a touchy subject.
- One day I saw a priest who looked lost in the woods He was a roaming catholic
- What do you get when a Catholic priest baptizes hay? You get a Christian Bale
- How do Catholic priests remember choir boys? Fondly.
- What does a catholic priest and acne have in common? Both came on my face when i was 13
Unearthly Funniest Catholic Priest Jokes to Tickle Your Sides
What funny jokes about catholic priest you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean two priests jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make catholic priest pranks.
A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?
Just learned the Catholic Church is okay with one person marrying two different people!
Priests do it all the time
What does a Catholic priest have in common with Beethoven's Fur Elise?
They both finish in A minor
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Catholic priests does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Nun.
But really, its easier to r**... little boys in the dark.
Poor Boy
A young boy is standing at the edge of a cliff, crying his eyes out.
A Catholic priest happens to walks past and, seeing the boy, asks, "Whats wrong, my child?"
"My mother and father were in the car and it rolled off the cliff. It exploded and they died, and I have no way of getting home!"
The priest looks around and, as he's unbuttoning his pants, says "This really isn't your day is it, my son?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a j**... lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a j**... lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke a Jewish speaker at my Catholic college told the student body in front of a bunch of nuns
So a man walks into confession and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned". The priest says "What have you done, my son?"
"I'm 72 and just had s**... with two 25 year olds" he claimed.
"Are you kidding?!" the priest said. "You can't do that. 100 Hail Mary's and run around the church 1000 times. By the way is this your first confession?"
"Yes I've never been to confession before. I'm Jewish."
"If you are Jewish why are you telling me this?" begged the priest.
"I'm telling everybody"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A drunk guy enters a Catholic church
A drunk guy enters a Catholic church. He stumbles along, talks with the statues and finally enters the confessional where he sits down quietly on the chair. The priest patiently waits for him then coughs a bit but he gets no reaction. He waits a little while longer and knocks in the wall, finally drawing the drunk's attention:
-Stop the knocking, fool, there's no toilet paper in here either!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The confession.
A guy goes in a confessional and tells the priest that last night he meet 4 swedish air hostesses down the pub, went back to their place, snorted coke, drank 20 year old scotch and had s**... all night until the sun came up.
The priest says, "that's terrible my son, what kind of a catholic are you?
Guy says "I'm not a catholic"
The priest says, "what are you telling me all this for then?"
Guy says "I'm telling everyone."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Catholic priest is asked to describe his s**... life.
"Well," he says, "if I'm not having nun, I'm having very little."
Confession
A man walks into a confessional and sits down,
"Father, last night I was with 3 different women at the same time."
"That's horrible," says the priest. "Are you married? Does your wife know about this adultery?"
"Married? No. Actually, I'm not even Catholic, I just had to tell someone!"
Which do Catholic priests like better—apples or cherries?
Neither—they prefer boysenberries.
A Muslim and a Catholic priest walk into a bar.
The two start talking casually about their respective religions. The Muslim says, "I believe that when I die, Allah will bless me with 72 virgins."
The priest's eyes get wide. "Really? That would be awesome, but unfortunately the church can only have 3 altar boys at a time."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Catholic boy in confession says
"Bless me Father, I have sinned, I m**... while thinking
about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you
have two gorgeous brothers."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the difference between a pimple and a Catholic Priest?
A pimple doesn't come on a boys face until he's 13.
This joke is all in good fun, sorry if anyone happens to be offended!
Catholic girl goes into confessional
Catholic girl goes into the confessional & says to the priest,
"I think I am pregnant."
He asks, "How did this happen my child?"
"I think it must be the second coming," she replies.
The priest shocked by this statement asks, "What makes you think it
is the second coming?"
She replies, "Because I swallowed the first."
So i was trying to come up with a short joke about Catholic priests...
But all the little ones were taken :v
When Catholic priests and nuns take their vows, do they throw a party?
We should call that celibating.
I, too, went to a mixed religion seminar...
...But in the hopes of learning more about charity. First I asked a Buddhist monk: "How do you decide what to give away and what to keep for yourself?" "Child's play", he said. "I draw a small circle in the ground, throw my money into the air, and what falls outside of the circle I give to Buddha". Next I asked a catholic priest. "Easy my son", he told me. "All I do is draw a small circle in earth, throw my money to the heavens, and what falls into the circle I give to God". Finally, I asked a Rabbi. "Simple!" he answered. "I throw my money into the air and what god wants, he takes!"
Did you hear about the crowd of Catholic priests at baby Gap?
The sign in the window advertised "Little Boys Pants Half Off!"
What did the black hole say to the Catholic priest?
"I'm sorry, father. I'm rather critical of mass."
A man's dog dies
A fine elderly Catholic gentleman lived alone in Southwest Florida in an upscale gated community except for his beloved dog that he had for a long time.
The dog finally died and the gent went to the parish priest, saying "Father, my dear dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the grief stricken man "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a Baptist church down the road, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
The old fellow said "I'll go right now. Thank you Father...By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied
"Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A rabbi and a Catholic priest are walking down the street...
...when the priest sees a boy across the way.
The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "Let's go over there and screw that boy!"
The rabbi looks the boy over and says to the priest, "out of what?"
A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship.
The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple?
Pimples wait until puberty to come on your face.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly man walks into a confessional...
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had s**... with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do the Zika Virus and Catholic Priests have in common?
They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America.
Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.
Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has
another 22 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in
her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,
"At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks,
"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband,
or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A catholic priest, Baptist minister, and a rabbi are on a cruise ship
When the ship begins to sink. They are making their way to the life boats when they notice that there are a bunch of un-escorted kids standing there. The Baptist minster says to the others, "what about the children?"
The rabbi says,"f**... the children."
The catholic priest asks, "do we have time for that?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between w**... from Toy Story, and a Catholic priest?
One goes limp when a child walks in the room.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This is My "classic" joke
A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Oh g**..., no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!" So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in. The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!" The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?" The bartender says, "Yeah.." The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?" The bartender says, "It's across the road."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?
Acne waits till you're 13 to come on your face.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist s**... bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.
Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.
A rabbi is on his deathbed...
...and a friend asks him if he has any last requests. The Rabbi asks his friend to find him a Catholic priest, so that he might convert.
Confused, his friend asks, "Rabbi, why? You have been a great teacher and leader of your followers, and you have led a good and honorable Jewish life. Why would you want to become a Catholic now, before you die?"
He says, "Eh, better one of them than one of us."
Catholic
Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning. The first old man said, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father." The second old man said, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people say Your Eminence." Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness." The old woman says,"My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say 'JESUS'."
A Catholic Priest told this joke at a Wedding.
Adam woke up in the Garden of Eden. After a while of wandering around he became sad. God came to him and asked "Adam, why are you sad? I have created this amazing garden for you." Adam replies, "Why does every other being have mate and I do not?" God replies " Very well I will create for you a perfect mate. But it will cost you an arm and a leg." Adam thinks for a bit and then replies "What can I get for a rib?"
Midget priest
The new bishop is visiting local churches to meet the priests and introduce himself.
He walks in to see a midget priest.
Surprised he exclaims "wow you must be the only midget catholic priest in the whole faith, what's that like?"
The midget says "actually we prefer little people"
Bishop replies "Who doesn't"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you get 2 Jews to fight?
Throw a penny between them.
How do you get 2 Catholic priests to fight?
Do the same thing but this time with a small boy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a group of Catholic priests standing in the snow?
Cracking open a boy with the cold ones
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man walks into a Catholic church at night
To his surprise, two priests walk up to excitedly greet him.
"Hello!" Says the other. "I am Paul Unch, and this is Liam Ine, we're the priests here. If you'll walk this way-"
"Hold up", says the man. "P. Unch and L. Ine? I'm in a s**... joke, right?"
"O-h**...!" exclaims Ine. "You got us!"
"Alright, screw this. I'm leaving." And he walks out in a huff.
"Well, that got rid of him", said Ine. "Paul, get the altar boys back in."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Muslim is about to commit s**... when a Catholic priest stops him
"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest
"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit s**... to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head
"Foolish Muslim, s**... is not the way!" He says
"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do Michael Jackson and a Catholic Priest have in common?
They just beat it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between Michael Bay and a catholic priest?
One gives Hollywood and the other gives holywood.
I honestly believe if Kevin Spacey confesses his crimes that he can be forgiven.
As a Catholic Priest.
God comes to my town...
...and asks the catholic priest: "do you need me to take care of anything?" The priest replies; "would you kill the protestant pastor?" Concerned God goes to the pastor and asks him the same question and the pastor answers; "would you kill the catholic priest?". Frustrated, God goes to the rabbi and asks him the same question. The rabbi says; "Lord, it would be enough for me if you answer the prayers of the priest and the pastor."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's a banquet filled with Catholic Bishops
There's a banquet filled with Catholic Bishops. One of the waiters goes up to the Bishop and asks him how to become a Priest.
The Bishop tells him about the vows of poverty.
The waiter says 'if this is your idea of poverty I'd love to see your idea of chastity. :
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cop pulls over two catholic priests and says "I"m looking for two child molesters"...
And the priests reply; "We'll do it!"
From a kid in the local chess club
Kid: Do you know why bishops move diagonally?
Me: No, why?
Kid: Because catholic priests never go straight
9 is enough.
Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest.
He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house."
"Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the air."
"Yes," says the priest, "your legs."
Why do cherry trees stink?
George Washington cut one.
Apparently I told this to my Catholic priest as a child..
The little league world series
Or as Catholic priests call it: the world series.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a Catholic priests and a jihadist?
One gets the virgins before they die, the other gets them after.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do many catholic priests have small p**...?
God made them that way for a good reason.
A rabbi and a catholic priest ran a race...
The rabbi got the gold. The priest came in a little behind.
Why do catholic priests have no interest in expensive scotches?
They're all at least 18 years old.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is at a f**... of an old friend.
He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word or two. The wife says that yes, he could. The man stands up, clears his t**..., and says "Catholic Priest"
The wife smiles, and says "Thank you, we were all touched."
Many years ago, an Irish cop was walking his beat in Boston
He sees a rabbi pull to a complete stop at a stop sign, only to get rear-ended moments later. The officer goes up to the rabbi's car and says "Don't worry, I saw everything." He walks over to the car that rear-ended the rabbi only to find a Catholic priest as the driver. The police officer looks at him and says "Ok Father, how fast was the car going when he backed into you?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're a teenager.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You don't need to die as a muslim to get 72 virgins
Just be a catholic priest
What do Catholic Priests and Target have in common?
They often have little boy's pants half off.
What did the old Catholic priest say when he arrived at a 6 year old boys birthday party?
Happy birthday.
Someone challenged me to come up with an original catholic priest joke, so I thought...
Nah, I'm not gonna touch that.
