Catholic Nun Jokes
61 catholic nun jokes and hilarious catholic nun puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about catholic nun that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Catholic Nun Short Jokes
Short catholic nun jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The catholic nun humour may include short nun convent jokes also.
- Why do catholic nuns have more clothes than other nuns? Because their clothes are mass produced...
- At the box office this weekend Predator took first place and The Nun took second. Coincidently, that's how the Catholic Church ranks it's priorities.
- If I ask a Catholic sister to work for me as a manager ... Does that make her nun of my business?
- Everyday I drive to work there is a nun walking to work at the catholic school down the street. It was so cold today but there she was walking again I guess she's just in the habit.
- Two nuns at a Catholic Church Two nuns at a Catholic Church near me got pregnant.
On an unrelated note, they dressed up as altar boys for Halloween. - A nun teaching at a Catholic school frequently shows up to work in normal clothes because of how poorly-made the set of religious clothing she was given is. It's a bad habit.
- Which punchline do you like better? What do you call a nun that sleep-walks? a) A Roamin' Catholic
b) An unconscious habit - Did you hear about the Catholic Sister who opened a Breaking Bad themed Asian restaurant? She is the Nun who Woks.
- Two catholic sisters rode bicycles through rough roads of Rome... One turns to the other and says, "I've never come this way before".
The other nun says, "It's the cobblestones". - When Catholic priests and nuns take their vows, do they throw a party? We should call that celibating.
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Catholic Nun One Liners
Which catholic nun one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with catholic nun? I can suggest the ones about nuns and two nuns.
- What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin' Catholic
- What is a Catholic's favorite weapon? Nun-chucks.
- What do you call a lost nun? A Roman Catholic
- What do you call a moving nun? A Roman Catholic
- What do you call a nun who's drinking a pint? Catholic
- What do you call a nun who is outside her local calling area? *A roamin' Catholic.*
- What kind of shoes does an Asian Catholic lady wear? Nun Chucks
- How many robed Catholic women does it take to change a lightbulb? Nun
- What did the devout catholic call her Converse? Nun Chucks
- How many Catholics can you fit in a habit? Nun
- What do you call a nun on the run? A ROMAN CATHOLIC!
- A car full of catholic school children got in a terrible accident Nun survived.
- How did the Catholic Priest finish the marathon? He was second to Nun.
- Whaddaya call a blind nun? A roamin' catholic.
Fun-Filled Catholic Nun Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about catholic nun you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean priest and nun jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make catholic nun pranks.
Two nuns are doing their grocery shopping.
As they pass the cooler full of beer, one nun says longingly to the other one, "A cold beer would go down great tonight!" "Indeed," the other nun replies, "but how can we show up with beer at the check-out counter?" "Don't worry, I have a plan," the other nun answers. "Grab a six-pack." The cashier is surprised when he sees the beer, but the one nun is ready with an explanation. "We use the beer to wash our hair" she says. "At the convent, we call it 'Catholic shampoo.'" Without hesitation the cashier bends down, grabs a package of pretzels, and throws it in one of the nuns' groceries bags, saying "The curlers are on the house."
In a terrible car accident, 3 nuns die at the same time.
They all appear in front of the gates of Heaven to meet Saint Peter.
When they arrive, Peter informs them that those who lived a life of the cloth must answer some basic questions about theology before they are permitted to enter Heaven.
Each of the nuns has studied their bible well, so they don't feel worried by this.
The first nun steps forward and tells the saint that she's ready.
"Who was the first woman?" Peter asks.
"That's easy!" exclaims the nun. "Eve!"
Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.
The second nun, encouraged by her colleagues easy pass, steps forwards and tells Peter that she's ready, as well. "Who was the first man?" Peter asks.
"Easy! That's Adam!" says the nun, excitedly.
Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.
The third nun is now confident that she won't have any trouble, and steps up to face Peter's question. "What were Eve's first words to Adam?" he asks.
"My, that's a hard one," the nun replies worriedly, but Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Catholic priests does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Nun.
But really, its easier to r**... little boys in the dark.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old one my late grandmother used to tell
In a Catholic school English classroom, a nun was giving the lesson.
"Today, children, we'll be talking about rhyme. Does anyone have a rhyme they'd like to share?"
Several little hands shot up. The nun pointed to the smallest girl, Sally, in the front.
"Hey, d**..., d**...,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed
To see such sport,
And the dish ran away with the spoon."
"Very good, Sally." said the nun. "Who else?" She called on a little boy, Jack.
"It has my name in it!
Jack, be nimble,
Jack, be quick,
Jack, jump over
The candlestick.
Jack jumped high
Jack jumped low
Jack jumped over
and burned his toe."
"Wonderful rhyme, Jack!" replied the nun. Now, in the back of the class sat Michael. Michael came from a loud Irish family and was known as a troublemaker. The nun had tried to pick the other students before him, but he was beginning to make a commotion so she sighed and called out "yes, Michael."
"I've got a rhyme for you, Sister" he said.
"Mary came from Boston, Mass. and went into the water up to her knees."
"Michael," began the nun, "that doesn't rhyme."
"Oh, I know Sister. But wait until the tide comes in."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke a Jewish speaker at my Catholic college told the student body in front of a bunch of nuns
So a man walks into confession and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned". The priest says "What have you done, my son?"
"I'm 72 and just had s**... with two 25 year olds" he claimed.
"Are you kidding?!" the priest said. "You can't do that. 100 Hail Mary's and run around the church 1000 times. By the way is this your first confession?"
"Yes I've never been to confession before. I'm Jewish."
"If you are Jewish why are you telling me this?" begged the priest.
"I'm telling everybody"
Catholic School
So there's a bad jewish kid and he swears all the time. He gets expelled from school. His behavior combined with the town he lives in being so small where everyone knows everyone's business, causes his family to become pariahs.
Desperate for a solution, the parents ask the local Rabbi for help who suggests sending the boy to a *yeshiva* - a Jewish private school. The parents try this, but sadly, this seemed to make him worse, now he swears in both English and Hebrew.
The next week, Thanksgiving rolls around and the parents have the neighbors over to eat Turkey with them. The neighbor after a while can't help but remark "I know it's not my place, but your son is very unruly."
The parents sigh and say they have no idea what to do with him. The neighbor replies "I know you're Jewish but try Catholic School. Those nuns instill serious discipline in children."
Feeling out of options, the parents do enroll the son in Catholic School, and that same day he comes home from school the model son they always wished he was.
The parents are flabbergasted. They ask "Did the nuns beat you?", and the son replies "No mother, they did not." So the parent's say "Then how did this happen?" and the son replied "Well, when I saw the guy hanging on the wall there, I knew they meant business!"
A joke from my great uncle
A nun is walking through the city and hails a taxi cab. The nun gets in a cab, and after a few minutes the cabbie says "It's been a while since I've passionately kissed a woman, would you be willing to kiss me, sister?" The nun asks "Are you single and catholic? If you are there shouldn't be a problem." The man says he is, and they intensely kiss for the next 10 minutes. Afterwards the cabbie starts to feel guilty and says "sister, I must confess I'm married and a Muslim." The nun says, "oh that's alright, my name is Troy and I'm going to a costume party."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bunch of jokes I found from a video, thought they would be good for some ice breakers.
What phone carriers do nuns use? v**... mobile
Why is their bill so high? Because they're roman ( roamin ) catholic
What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef
no legs? ground beef
2 legs? YOUR MOM!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At catholic school...
A nun teaching catholic school asks the children what they want to be when they grow up.
Mary says, "I want to be a p**...!"
Shocked, the nun says, "What did you just say?"
Mary says, "I said I want to be a p**...!"
The nun replied, "Oh thank heavens. I thought you said you wanted to be a protestant."
A couple of hippies are sitting on a park bench...
...when a pair of nuns walks by, one of them on crutches and with most of her leg in a cast. The more outgoing of the two hippies asks, "Oh man! What happened? Are you okay?"
The hobbling nun responds, "Yes, my son. I slipped and fell in the bathtub and broke my tibia. The doctor says I'll have the cast off in two more weeks."
"Far out, man. Well, good luck and, uh, God bless?"
She replies, "Thank you, my child," and they continue on their way.
When they're out of earshot, the first hippie asks the other, "What's a bathtub?"
"How would I know, man? I'm not Catholic."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Catholic priest is asked to describe his s**... life.
"Well," he says, "if I'm not having nun, I'm having very little."
We are not spinsters
A man has a heart attack and gets rushed to the catholic hospital. Before he is released a nun approaches him about how the hospital will be paid. He states that he has no money no insurance and no job.
The nun asks "Do you have any wealthy family members?" The man says "the only family I have is and old spinster nun just like you.". The nun is offended and snaps "sir, we are not spinsters we are married to our lord Jesus Christ!" The the man snaps back "then send the bill to my brother in law!"
Little Johnny was having trouble with school...
Little Johnny was having trouble with school and his parents just didn't know what to do. They tried giving him private tutors, remedial classes, and even sent him to a summer boarding school.
Nothing seemed to work and as a final act of desperation, they sent him to their local Catholic School.
After coming home from the first day, Johnny went straight up to his room and began studying. Only coming back down to eat dinner, Johnny stayed in his room and studied till bedtime.
A few weeks later, his parents were overwhelmed to see that Johnny had improved his grades, especially his math grade which had been the worst of the lot.
They praised their son but were also quite interested in what had caused the improvement.
"Was it the nuns? The curriculum?" they asked.
Johnny shook his head and replied, "At first I didn't take them seriously, but when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"
Hospital Bill
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms & a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
'Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister & she's a nun."
The nun became agitated & announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law".
:D
Whenever a nun leaves the Catholic church they should play "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin Park
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Catholic gossip...
I just heard that the pope has made another new rule...
it's okay now to kiss a nun!
.
.
.
.
.
.
just as long as you don't get into the habit.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three women are going back to visit the Catholic school that they grew up in, and they find the nun who taught them as children.
"So what have you young ladies been doing with your lives?" the nun asks.
The first woman responds, "Well, I've become an engineer, I'm married and I have three kids."
The second woman says, "I've become an accountant, and I'm happily married with two children!"
The third woman slowly responds, "Well... Um, I'm... I'm a p**......"
"You're a WHAT???" says the nun, furiously.
"Well... I'm a p**...."
"Oh, thank God," the nun says, "I thought you said you were a Protestant!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A nun is teaching class in a Catholic children's home.
She asks the students what they want to be when they grow up. One says a teacher, the other says doctor, the other says engineer and so on. Finally the question lands on quiet little girl in the back.
Nun: What would you like to be when you grow up?
Girl: I'm afraid to say it out loud.
Nun: Then come whisper it into my ear.
The girl scurries over and whispers something. The nuns face boils. She is both shocked and horrified. She screams "What did you say?!?!"
The girl startled yells out " I said I want to be a p**...!"
The nun replies relieved " Oh thank the heavens I thought you said Protestant."
God is watching
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a nun on a bicycle?
Choice (A) - a Religious Movement
Choice (B) - Roamin Catholic
Choice (C) - v**... Mobile
What's the best punchline?
The Nun was recently released and is one of the most terrorifying movies of all time.
Turns out, evil Nuns are now the second scariest clergy in the Catholic Church.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A nun gets into a cab
The cab driver sees her in the backseat and says "I have always had a fantasy about nuns."
She answers "you and everyone else! Are you a Catholic?"
Driver says yes, so she tells him to pull over.
She hops in the front seat and gives him the best b**... he ever had. She gets done and the cabbie feels guilty and says "You know sister, I have to confess. I am not really Catholic."
"That's fine. My name is Ralph and I am going to a costume party."
Little Johnny is in Catholic School
The nun teaching the class asks, "Where do you sense Jesus in your life?"
Little Susie, being a good girl says, "I see Jesus when I pray."
Little Timmy says, "I can feel Jesus' presence during Mass."
Little Johnny, with his hand waving eagerly in the air, is finally called on. Johnny says, "Jesus is in my bathroom every morning."
The nun, obviously confused, asks why Johnny thinks this.
Little Johnny answers saying, "Each morning that my Father is late to work, he pounds on the bathroom door saying, 'JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?"
