"Let us prey."
Catholic priests looking at each other: We'll do it!
Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.
Because "daddy" would be too suspicious
His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded
"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"
Acne waits untill a boy's 12 before it comes on his face.
One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"
(Wow this exploded. Front... *wow*. Gotta say, I like the (current) top comment's version more.)
When they arrive at the pearly gates, St Peter Acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you a pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!".
9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.
St Peter calls after them. "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"
And wait for the 72 virgins in heaven... When you could become a catholic preist and have them now!
Source: Jimmy Carr
An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.
He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."
Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."
When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter acknowledges them.
He sees that they're all priests and immediately says, "If any of you are paedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!"
9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.
St. Peter calls after them,
"AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"
A roamin' Catholic
Roman Catholic.
Alien VS Predator
A Blonde,Brunette,and a Redhead decide to check their daughters bags,
All 3 of them found condoms in their respective daughters bags.
The Brunette was stunned and said :" We're a catholic family, It is a sin to have premarital sex "
The Redhead said "Its Good to see my girl is using protection, Because prevention is better than cure !".
The Blonde said: " OH MY GOD, MY DAUGHTER HAS A PENIS "
Catholic girl goes into the confessional & says to the priest,
"I think I am pregnant."
He asks, "How did this happen my child?"
"I think it must be the second coming," she replies.
The priest shocked by this statement asks, "What makes you think it
is the second coming?"
She replies, "Because I swallowed the first."
The Priest says " you can't be here!". The particle replies "you can't have mass without me
Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning. The first old man said, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father." The second old man said, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people say Your Eminence." Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness." The old woman says,"My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say 'JESUS'."
3 kids, a teacher, a lawyer and a Catholic priest.
The plane is going down and there are only 3 parachutes. The lawyer runs over and grabs one.
Teacher: what about the children!?!
Lawyer: fuck the children!
Priest: is there time?
They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America.
The Jew boasts about his fertility
"I have 4 sons; one more and I'll have a basketball team!"
"That's nothing," says the Catholic, "I have 10 sons! I almost have a football team!"
The Jew and Catholic looked expectantly at the Mormon. "Well?"
"I have 17 wives. I almost have a golf course!"
... As long as a gay marries a lesbian.
A priest kept chickens at his village. One evening, one of them went missing. At the church mass prayer gathering the priest asked:
-Who has a cock?
All the men got up
-No, I mean who has seen a cock?
All the men and women got up
-No, no, who has seen a cock that is not theirs?
All the women got up
-Oh, for heavens sake, who has seen my cock
All the nuns got up
The boys choir, also, slowly got up
"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest
"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head
"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says
"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."
Because "daddy" would make it too obvious...
The cop says "We are looking for two pedophiles".
The priest rolls up the window and starts furiously arguing with the other priest. After a couple of minutes, he rolls down the window again: "We'd be up for it".
Just be a catholic priest
Because "Daddy" would be a bit too suspicous.
One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"
A Roamin' Catholic.
that when she couldn't afford pay the Catholic church for her exorcism, they repossessed her.
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples
Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is Mormon.
Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."
Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team."
David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
One goes limp when a child walks in the room.
A coal mining company puts miners in shafts.
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