catholic Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious catholic puns

What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage?

"Let us prey."

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Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he's looking for two child molesters.

Catholic priests looking at each other: We'll do it!

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I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

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Why are catholic priests called father?

Because "daddy" would be too suspicious

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A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

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What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?

Acne waits untill a boy's 12 before it comes on his face.

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So my Irish friend decided to tell his community he's an atheist...

One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"

(Wow this exploded. Front... *wow*. Gotta say, I like the (current) top comment's version more.)

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10 Catholic priest all die in a bus accident

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St Peter Acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you a pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!".

9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St Peter calls after them. "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"

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why would you be a suicide bomber...

And wait for the 72 virgins in heaven... When you could become a catholic preist and have them now!

Source: Jimmy Carr

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The Irishman's parking space

An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.

He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."

Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."

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10 catholic priests all die in a bus accident....

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter acknowledges them.

He sees that they're all priests and immediately says, "If any of you are paedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!"

9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St. Peter calls after them,

"AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"

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What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin' Catholic

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What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?

Roman Catholic.

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What do you call an illegal immigrant and a catholic priest fighting?

Alien VS Predator

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A Blonde,Brunette,and a Redhead..

A Blonde,Brunette,and a Redhead decide to check their daughters bags,

All 3 of them found condoms in their respective daughters bags.

The Brunette was stunned and said :" We're a catholic family, It is a sin to have premarital sex "

The Redhead said "Its Good to see my girl is using protection, Because prevention is better than cure !".

The Blonde said: " OH MY GOD, MY DAUGHTER HAS A PENIS "

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Catholic girl goes into confessional

Catholic girl goes into the confessional & says to the priest,
"I think I am pregnant."

He asks, "How did this happen my child?"

"I think it must be the second coming," she replies.

The priest shocked by this statement asks, "What makes you think it
is the second coming?"

She replies, "Because I swallowed the first."

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A Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic church

The Priest says " you can't be here!". The particle replies "you can't have mass without me

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Catholic

Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning. The first old man said, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father." The second old man said, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people say Your Eminence." Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness." The old woman says,"My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say 'JESUS'."

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6 people in a plane

3 kids, a teacher, a lawyer and a Catholic priest.

The plane is going down and there are only 3 parachutes. The lawyer runs over and grabs one.

Teacher: what about the children!?!

Lawyer: fuck the children!

Priest: is there time?

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[NSFW] What do the Zika Virus and Catholic Priests have in common?

They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America.

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A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon are drinking together.

The Jew boasts about his fertility

"I have 4 sons; one more and I'll have a basketball team!"

"That's nothing," says the Catholic, "I have 10 sons! I almost have a football team!"

The Jew and Catholic looked expectantly at the Mormon. "Well?"

"I have 17 wives. I almost have a golf course!"

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The Catholic Church absolutely agrees on homosexuals getting married...

... As long as a gay marries a lesbian.

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Catholic priest joke

A priest kept chickens at his village. One evening, one of them went missing. At the church mass prayer gathering the priest asked:

-Who has a cock?

All the men got up

-No, I mean who has seen a cock?

All the men and women got up

-No, no, who has seen a cock that is not theirs?

All the women got up

-Oh, for heavens sake, who has seen my cock

All the nuns got up

The boys choir, also, slowly got up

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A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest

"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says

"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."

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Why are Catholic priests always referred to as "father"?

Because "daddy" would make it too obvious...

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Two catholic priests get into a traffic check...

The cop says "We are looking for two pedophiles".
The priest rolls up the window and starts furiously arguing with the other priest. After a couple of minutes, he rolls down the window again: "We'd be up for it".

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You don't need to die as a muslim to get 72 virgins

Just be a catholic priest

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Why are Catholic priests called "Father"?

Because "Daddy" would be a bit too suspicous.

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so my Irish friend told his town he was an atheist......

One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"

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What Do You Call A Sleep Walking Nun?

A Roamin' Catholic.

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My cousin is so poor....

that when she couldn't afford pay the Catholic church for her exorcism, they repossessed her.

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God is watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples

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Three guys are talking about their families (likely a re-post)

Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is Mormon.

Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."

Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team."

David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

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What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story, and a Catholic priest?

One goes limp when a child walks in the room.

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What's the difference between a coal mining company and catholic priests?

A coal mining company puts miners in shafts.

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What are the most funny Catholic jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Catholic? Well, here are the best Catholic dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Catholic pick up lines to share with friends.

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