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Catholic Jokes

174 catholic jokes and hilarious catholic puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about catholic that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for a good laugh? Check out our collection of funny Catholic jokes. From jokes about priests and nuns to jokes about the Pope, we've got something for everyone.

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Popular Catholic Short Jokes

Short catholic jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The catholic humour may include short christian jokes also.

  1. What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage? "Let us prey."
  2. Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he's looking for two child molesters. Catholic priests looking at each other: We'll do it!
  3. What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne waits untill a boy's 12 before it comes on his face.
  4. One man in the crowd then yelled Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?
  5. A Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic church The Priest says " you can't be here!". The particle replies "you can't have mass without me
  6. What do the Zika Virus and Catholic Priests have in common? They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America.
  7. The Catholic Church absolutely agrees on homosexuals getting married... ... As long as a gay marries a lesbian.
  8. Why are Catholic priests always referred to as "father"? Because "daddy" would make it too obvious...
  9. My cousin is so poor.... that when she couldn't afford pay the Catholic church for her exorcism, they repossessed her.
  10. What's the difference between a coal mining company and catholic priests? A coal mining company puts miners in shafts.

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Catholic One Liners

Which catholic one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with catholic? I can suggest the ones about protestant and church holy.

  1. Why are catholic priests called father? Because "daddy" would be too suspicious
  2. What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin' Catholic
  3. How do you make an atheist? Raise a Catholic
  4. What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep? Roman Catholic.
  5. You don't need to die as a muslim to get 72 virgins Just be a catholic priest
  6. Why are catholic priests adressed as "father"? "Daddy" would be too obvious.
  7. As the old Catholic saying goes, Condoms: they're what separate the men from the boys
  8. Why do Catholic priests like golf? Because most of the holes are under 18.
  9. What does a Catholic do before a confession? He sins, obviously.
  10. What do you call a traveling Pope? A Roamin' Catholic.
  11. Why do Catholics make the best Communists? They're fine with standing in line for bread.
  12. New dating app for German Catholic Priests Kinder
  13. How did the catholic priest play the piano? In A minor.
  14. Did you hear that Protons have mass?... I didn't even know they were Catholic!
  15. What time is bed time at the Catholic church? When the big hand touches the little hand!

Catholic Priest Jokes

Here is a list of funny catholic priest jokes and even better catholic priest puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How do you advertise a boxing match between a Hispanic construction worker, and a Catholic priest. Alien vs predator
  • What the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple? Pimples wait until puberty to come on your face.
  • Whats the difference between a muslim and a catholic priest? The muslim has to die before he gets his virgins.
  • Why is acne better than a catholic priest? At least acne waits till a kid is 14 to come on his face.
  • What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and a Zit? A zit will wait till your twelve years old to come on your face.
  • What's the difference between a Chilean mining company and a Catholic priest? The Chilean mining company gets its miners stuck in a shaft. The Catholic priest gets its shaft stuck in a minor.
  • What's the difference between a catholic priest and acne? Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he hits puberty.
  • A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church... The priest says, "Hey hey hey, you're not allowed here."
    The Higgs boson says, "But without me, there would be no mass."
  • What's the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne doesn't come on your face until you're a teenager.
  • A cop pulls over two catholic priests and says "I"m looking for two child molesters"... And the priests reply; "We'll do it!"

Catholic Church Jokes

Here is a list of funny catholic church jokes and even better catholic church puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • At the box office this weekend Predator took first place and The Nun took second. Coincidently, that's how the Catholic Church ranks it's priorities.
  • Catholicism has 1.2 billion followers around the globe, second only to Islam with 1.8 billion But that's okay because the Catholic church doesn't mind coming in a little behind.
  • What does the head of the Catholic Church used to buy goods online? Papal
  • A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church.. Priest: "I'm sorry we don't allow Higgs bosons in here."
    Higgs boson: "oh I'm sorry, but without me you can't have mass."
  • The Catholic Church is against gay marriage because it is unnatural... Well, walking on water is not very natural too...
  • Why does the Catholic Church have so much money? Because Jesus saves.
  • What is the Catholic Church's position on homosexuality? Only if it's under 12
  • How do Catholic church priests stay healthy? They exorcise.
  • The Pope is stepping down because he's "too old"... ... I see the Catholic Church applies the same criteria to Popes as it does to their choirboys.
  • My body is like a temple... More like a Catholic church. Full of wine, bread, and guilt.
Catholic joke, My body is like a temple...

Catholic Boys Jokes

Here is a list of funny catholic boys jokes and even better catholic boys puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi are watching a little boy play... The Priest says, "I want to screw him." The Rabbi says, "Out of what?"
  • What's the difference between Acne and a Catholic Priest ? Acne only comes on a boys face when he's twelve.
  • What is the difference between a pimple and a Catholic Priest? A pimple doesn't come on a boys face until he's 13.
    This joke is all in good fun, sorry if anyone happens to be offended!
  • Why don't catholic priest believe in condoms? Because little boys can't get pregnant.
  • Two nuns at a Catholic Church Two nuns at a Catholic Church near me got pregnant.
    On an unrelated note, they dressed up as altar boys for Halloween.
  • What do wine and altar boys have in common? Catholic priests like them aged eight years
  • What does Walmart and catholic priest have in common. They both have boys pants half off.
  • What did the old Catholic priest say when he arrived at a 6 year old boys birthday party? Happy birthday.
  • How many Catholic priests does it take to screw in a light bulb? I said lightbulb, not choir boy!
  • What's the Catholic Church's favourite soccer team? BSC Young Boys

Catholic Nun Jokes

Here is a list of funny catholic nun jokes and even better catholic nun puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why do catholic nuns have more clothes than other nuns? Because their clothes are mass produced...
  • What do you call a nun that is going for a walk? A roamin catholic
  • What is a Catholic's favorite weapon? Nun-chucks.
  • What do you call a lost nun? A Roman Catholic
  • What do you call a moving nun? A Roman Catholic
  • If I ask a Catholic sister to work for me as a manager ... Does that make her nun of my business?
  • Everyday I drive to work there is a nun walking to work at the catholic school down the street. It was so cold today but there she was walking again I guess she's just in the habit.
  • What do you call a nun who's drinking a pint? Catholic
  • What do you call a sleepwalking nun ? A roamin' Catholic
    .
    .
    Oh look there's the door...bye
  • What do you call a wanderin' nun? A Roamin' Catholic

Catholic School Jokes

Here is a list of funny catholic school jokes and even better catholic school puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A nun teaching at a Catholic school frequently shows up to work in normal clothes because of how poorly-made the set of religious clothing she was given is. It's a bad habit.
  • Two girls in a Catholic convent school. One whispers to the other: "There's a contraceptive hidden behind the radiator!"
    The other whispers back: "What's a radiator?"
  • How do students in catholic school get informed that the lecture has ended? Christian Bale
  • What's the easiest class in a Catholic school? Religion.
    It has no facts to memorize
  • What do mass shootings and Catholic high schools have in common? THOTs and prayers
  • At the local catholic high school dance, all the DJ's jokes were about me... I was the only person in the punch line.
  • What do you call a group of Angel Fish? A Catholic School!
  • Classic joke at my Catholic High School I went up to a man and said "Jesus is the messiah"
    He said "No way"
    I said "Yah-weh"
  • I visited a Catholic engineering school yesterday It was called Our Lady of Perpetual Motion
  • What do a Catholic Priest and a school-gunman have in common? They both like shooting into little boys.
Catholic joke, What do a Catholic Priest and a school-gunman have in common?

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about catholic can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of catholic puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Silly Catholic Jokes for a Good Time with Friends

What funny jokes about catholic you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean papal jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make catholic prank.

I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist s**... bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic s**... bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded
"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

A Scientologist, a Catholic, and a m**... are talking about their families.

The Scientologist jokes, "I've got 4 kids. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic joins in and says, "Well I've got 10 kids, and one more I'll have a football team!". The m**... speaks up and deadpans. "I've got 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

A Rabbi and his friend, a Catholic priest, were having a discussion

when the rabbi asked "Could you ever be promoted withing your church?"
The priest responded, "Well, one day, I hope to become a bishop."
The rabbi asked, "And then?"
The priest though for a second and responded, "Well, then I might become a cardinal."
The rabbi again asked, "And then?"
The priest again pondered the question before responding "Then I would become Pope!"
The rabbi, still unsatisfied, asked "And then?"
The priest, exasperated, cried "What else could I become? God Himself!?"
The rabbi quietly responded "One of our boys made it"

why would you be a s**... bomber...

And wait for the 72 virgins in heaven... When you could become a catholic preist and have them now!
Source: Jimmy Carr

The Irishman's parking space

An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.
He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."
Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."

Four Catholic women are talking about their sons while having coffee together

The first woman says My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Father.'
The second says My sons is a bishop. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Your Grace.'
The third says My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Your Eminence.'
The fourth just quietly sips her coffee, and the other three give her a well, what about you? type look.
The fourth woman finally says My son is a handsome, 7-foot-tall firefighter. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Oh. My. God.'

What do you call an i**... Italian immigrant?

an imPASTA!

Catholic girl goes into confessional

Catholic girl goes into the confessional & says to the priest,
"I think I am pregnant."
He asks, "How did this happen my child?"
"I think it must be the second coming," she replies.
The priest shocked by this statement asks, "What makes you think it
is the second coming?"
She replies, "Because I swallowed the first."

Four catholic ladies are talking about how important there sons are. (Long)

The first one tells her friends my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'
The second Catholic woman chirps, while my son is a bishop, when he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'
The third Catholic woman says smugly, Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle well.....?
She replies, My son is a charismatic, 6'2 , hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, My God.

Catholic

Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning. The first old man said, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father." The second old man said, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people say Your Eminence." Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness." The old woman says,"My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say 'JESUS'."

After failing maths, Jared's parents decide to move him from the local public school to a nearby Catholic school

Within a few months, he is passing with flying colours. His parents ask him the reason behind his sudden improvement. "Was it the strict nuns, the rigour of class, the example of other students? Jared shook his head. "Well what was it then"? Jared replied "Truth is, when I first arrived and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business".

A Jew, a Catholic, and a m**... are drinking together.

The Jew boasts about his fertility
"I have 4 sons; one more and I'll have a basketball team!"
"That's nothing," says the Catholic, "I have 10 sons! I almost have a football team!"
The Jew and Catholic looked expectantly at the m**.... "Well?"
"I have 17 wives. I almost have a golf course!"

A Muslim is about to commit s**... when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest
"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit s**... to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head
"Foolish Muslim, s**... is not the way!" He says
"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."

God is watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples

Three guys are talking about their families (likely a re-post)

Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is m**....
Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."
Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team."
David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

What's the difference between w**... from Toy Story, and a Catholic priest?

One goes limp when a child walks in the room.

A Catholic girl walks into a confessional and says "Father, I think I may be pregnant."

He replies "How did this happen, my child?"
She says "It must be the second coming."
The Priest is shocked by this statement and asks "What makes you think this?"
She replies "Because I swallowed the first."

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.

A recently deceased man was being shown around heaven.

St Peter was looking after him by showing him the various facilities that were available. At the end of the tour, St Peter asked the man if he had any questions.
The man could only think of one. He pointed to a long wall running along one side. "Why do you have a wall there?" asked the man.
St Peter sighed and said, "That is for the Catholics. They`re on the other side. They like to think that they are the only ones here."

Catholics fail trigonometry because they're afraid of sin

Irish people fail trigonometry because they can't tan.
Everyone else fails trigonometry just cos.

4 catholic priests are sharing a private compartment on a train

They decided to confess their biggest flaw to each other.
The first priest confesses that he spends most of the church money on booze.
The second priest explains that he blows the church collection betting on horses.
The third priest confesses that he spends the church takings on drugs.
They have opened their souls and revealed their deepest secrets. They look to the last priest and he says "I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train".

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs. The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray, "Take only one. God is watching."
Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the hot dogs."

A Jew, a Catholic, and a m**... all walk into a bar...

The Jewish man boasts, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic man says, "That's nothing! I have ten sons. One more and I'll have a soccer team!" The m**... stands up and proclaims, "Big deal! I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

I dated a hindu girl who would eat chicken or goat but not beef. She said it was a sacred animal.

I didn't get it, i was raised catholic. Our god tastes like cardboard and we still eat him.

So a Higgs Boson particle goes into a catholic church

And it gets stopped at the door by the bishop.
The bishop says, "Sir, I can't allow you in here."
"What? Why?" the particle responds.
"You call yourself the 'God particle.' That's blasphemy against our Lord."
"Oh, well, I guess that makes sense. Before I go, though, can I ask you a question?"
"Yeah sure," the bishop responds. "Might as well."
"So," the Higgs Boson begins, "if you don't allow me in here, how do you have mass?"

A Jew, a Catholic and a m**... were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting...

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
To which the m**... replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge

Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge and I saw this guy about to jump.
I said, "Don't jump."
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! What denomination?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference, or Northern Conservative Baptist, Eastern Conference?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him off.
--Emo Philips

At catholic school...

A nun teaching catholic school asks the children what they want to be when they grow up.
Mary says, "I want to be a p**...!"
Shocked, the nun says, "What did you just say?"
Mary says, "I said I want to be a p**...!"
The nun replied, "Oh thank heavens. I thought you said you wanted to be a protestant."

A rabbi and a Catholic priest are walking down the street...

...when the priest sees a boy across the way.
The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "Let's go over there and screw that boy!"
The rabbi looks the boy over and says to the priest, "out of what?"

A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?

I got my kid baptized yesterday

Priest:  Do you believe in the Holy Spirit and the holy Catholic church?
Me: I do.
Priest: Do you believe in the communion of saints and the forgiveness of sins?
Me: I do.
Priest: Do you believe in the resurrection of the body and life everlasting?
Me: I do
Priest: Do you hereby indemnify and hold harmless the Catholic church for any s**... misconduct to you and your family for ever and ever amen?
Me: I do--- wait! Hold on!
Priest: Too late! You said it!

Jewish man gets stopped at a checkpoint in Ireland by two Irishmen with rifles.

Jewish man gets stopped at a checkpoint in Ireland by two Irishmen with rifles.
"Eh, what are ya, protestant or catholic?"
Man: "I'm jewish!"
Guard: (pauses, confers with fellow guard)
"Jewish catholic or jewish protestant?"

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a j**... lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a j**... lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.

The Pope, Xi Jinping and Donald Trump are summoned by God

"OK", said God, "the world's gonna end in 20 years, go back and prepare your people".
The Pope prepared a great mass at St. Peter's Square and announced "Dear Catholics, I have good and bad news. Rejoice, for God is real, but also repent, for the end of the world is coming in 20 years".
Xi Jinping held a speech in front of the CCP. "Horrible news, comrades, not only is God real, he also told us the world is coming to an end in 20 years".
Trump tweeted "Great news everyone! God knows I'm important!"

Maria the Catholic

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.
After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children.
A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.
At Maria's f**..., the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together.
" Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?
The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

I told my parents that I lost my virginity.

Which they didn't take well, considering they're Catholics.
They sat me down and said, "You must beg to God for forgiveness."
So I got down on my knees and said, "God, I've done enough kneeling today, please forgive me!"

Father, I must confess I've been having s**... with two gorgeous models everyday for the past month.

Father: Well, as a good catholic I can't condone this behaviour.
Man: I'm Jewish
Father: What are you telling me for then?
Man: *shrugs* I'm telling everybody.

9 is enough.

Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest.
He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house."
"Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the air."
"Yes," says the priest, "your legs."

A Catholic boy in confession says

"Bless me Father, I have sinned, I m**... while thinking
about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you
have two gorgeous brothers."

Sandra, a devout Catholic, got married and had 11 children.

After her first husband died, she remarried and had 11 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Sandra also passed away.
At Sandra's f**..., the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."
Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"
The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

Why are Catholics so upbeat after religious services?

Because they convert Mass into energy.

Nescafe and the Pope

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers,
"Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to
donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily
coffee."
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the
Lord. It must not be changed."
"Well," said the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For
this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."
"My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and
it must not be changed."
The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your
adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.... We will
donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great
Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give
us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'
Please consider it."
And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.The good
news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'"
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Wonder-Bread account."

A young catholic boy goes in for his first confession

A young catholic boy goes in for his first confession.
As the boy goes into the booth he asks the priest, "What are you doing father?"
The priest answers, Its called m**... and soon you will be doing it."
The boy asks, "Why do you say that father?"
Priest: "Because my hand is getting tired.

A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship.

The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.

Little Johnny is in Catholic School

The nun teaching the class asks, "Where do you sense Jesus in your life?"
Little Susie, being a good girl says, "I see Jesus when I pray."
Little Timmy says, "I can feel Jesus' presence during Mass."
Little Johnny, with his hand waving eagerly in the air, is finally called on. Johnny says, "Jesus is in my bathroom every morning."
The nun, obviously confused, asks why Johnny thinks this.
Little Johnny answers saying, "Each morning that my Father is late to work, he pounds on the bathroom door saying, 'JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?"

I was walking across a bridge...

and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

I said, "Well there's so much to live for."

"Like what?"

"Well, are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Baptist or Episcopalian!"

"Baptist."

"Me too! Are you Baptist Church or God or Reformed Baptist Church of God"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1893 or Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917."

To which I said, "Die, heretic s**...!" as I pushed him off the bridge.

Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this
time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why
didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
through?""
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a p**...."
"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.
The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a p**..., Daddy!
Sniff, sniff."
"Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad. Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well. Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be dying.

They are serious!

A boy is getting all Ds and Fs in math so his parents send him to Catholic school. On his first report card, his parents are shocked to see their son getting straight As. When his parents ask him why, he says, Well, when I went into the chapel and saw that guy nailed to a plus sign, I knew they were serious.

Mafia florists

Some Italian mafia members own a florist shop in a city. Theirs is the only florist is the area, and so they control most of the flower business in the area.
One day, however, another florist shop opens up across the street. Afraid for their business, the mafia send one of theirs to rustle the place up, maybe scare them off. But he comes back to report that the florists are all friars! Being devout Catholics, they can't mess with the good friars.
The mafia boss has a solution. He turns to a guy named Hugh.
"Hey Hugh, you're atheist, right?"
"Yes."
"You you'll have no qualms about shaking up that flower shop?"
"I don't see why I would, boss."
Then he puts his hand on Hugh's shoulder, turns to the rest of the group, and says,
"Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

An American walks into an Irish pub

An Irishman yells, "Oi, y**...! Are you Catholic or are you Protestant?"
"Err... I'm atheist," the tourist says awkwardly.
"Ahh, but which one don't you believe in?"

An elderly man walks into a confessional...

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had s**... with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody .

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church.

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: "Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!" While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. A week later the two friends meet again in front of the same church, and one of them confides to the other: "I still wonder if that offer is serious." the other replies condescendingly: "Ah you Jews, all you think about is money!"

I, too, went to a mixed religion seminar...

...But in the hopes of learning more about charity. First I asked a Buddhist monk: "How do you decide what to give away and what to keep for yourself?" "Child's play", he said. "I draw a small circle in the ground, throw my money into the air, and what falls outside of the circle I give to Buddha". Next I asked a catholic priest. "Easy my son", he told me. "All I do is draw a small circle in earth, throw my money to the heavens, and what falls into the circle I give to God". Finally, I asked a Rabbi. "Simple!" he answered. "I throw my money into the air and what god wants, he takes!"

Catholic joke, I, too, went to a mixed religion seminar...

jokes about catholic

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these catholic jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.