Catholic Irish Jokes
28 catholic irish jokes and hilarious catholic irish puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about catholic irish that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Catholic Irish Short Jokes
Short catholic irish jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The catholic irish humour may include short irish catholic jokes also.
- One man in the crowd then yelled Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?
- Catholics fail trigonometry because they're afraid of sin Irish people fail trigonometry because they can't tan.
Everyone else fails trigonometry just cos. - What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic? The strength of the communion wine.
- What's the difference between an Irish Catholic and a Roman Catholic? A few notches on the belt buckle.
- One man in the crowd stood up and yelled So, is it the Catholic God you don't believe in or the Protestant God?
- I was born a Catholic Which came as a big surprise to my parents who were both protestants.
Source: Irish actor Michael Redmond (Fr. Stone in Fr. Ted) on 'An Irishman Abroad' podcast. - Yo momma (Irish catholic version) Yo momma is such a drunk, her blood type is AA Positive!!
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Catholic Irish One Liners
Which catholic irish one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with catholic irish? I can suggest the ones about irish people and catholic.
- What's an irish catholic priest's dilemma? A little boy from Belfast.
Catholic Irish Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about catholic irish you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean irish priest jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make catholic irish pranks.
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a j**... lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a j**... lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.
9 is enough.
Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest.
He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house."
"Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the air."
"Yes," says the priest, "your legs."
Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this
time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why
didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
through?""
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a p**...."
"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.
The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a p**..., Daddy!
Sniff, sniff."
"Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"
An American walks into an Irish pub
An Irishman yells, "Oi, y**...! Are you Catholic or are you Protestant?"
"Err... I'm atheist," the tourist says awkwardly.
"Ahh, but which one don't you believe in?"
Irish sectarianism joke
An American is visiting Ireland, and walking back to his hotel from the local pub. Suddenly he hears a voice behind him, demanding, "Are you a protestant or a catholic??". The American is well aware of the sectarian issues in Ireland and is understandably afraid to admit to either affiliation. In a flash of inspiration he responds, "neither, in Jewish!". And the voice comes back, "I must be the luckiest Palestinian in all of Ireland!"
A young Irish lad goes up to his parents..
"Mum, dad, after much soul-searching, I've decided I'm an atheist" he says.
"Yes yes, that's all fine." says the father. "But are you a Catholic atheist or a Protestant atheist?"
An Irish mobster approached a man on the street...
He demanded "what are you, protestant or catholic?"
The man said "i'm atheist actually"
The mobster thought for a second and said "protestant atheist or catholic atheist?"
An Irish man is walking home late one night when another man puts a gun to the back of his head...
The other man asks: Are you Catholic, or Protestant?
The Irish man thinks to himself. 'If I say I am a Catholic and he is a Protestant, I'm dead. If I say I'm Protestant and he is a Catholic, I'm dead. What am I to say? Ah! I got it!'
I am a Muslim.
I am the luckiest Jew on this whole island then...
Irish Catholics [and possibly some Jews] will appreciate this one
Q; How many Irish Catholic Mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A; Ahhh, don't you worry about that son, you just go out with your fancy women while I sit here home alone in the dark.
Many years ago, an Irish cop was walking his beat in Boston
He sees a rabbi pull to a complete stop at a stop sign, only to get rear-ended moments later. The officer goes up to the rabbi's car and says "Don't worry, I saw everything." He walks over to the car that rear-ended the rabbi only to find a Catholic priest as the driver. The police officer looks at him and says "Ok Father, how fast was the car going when he backed into you?"
So an atheist man lives in a over conservative Irish neighborhood...
... and calls a cab. The heavily accented cab driver says to him, "Before you get in, I gotta know your religion."
So he replied, "Oh, no, I'm an atheist, actually."
The cab driver stared at him a moment before asking, "Yeah, but is it the Catholic God you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"
Another Irish Joke
All these Irish jokes reminded me of one of my favorites:
A Catholic foreigner is walking down a street at night in Ireland when a man grabs him and holds a knife to his neck. The assailant yells,
"Are ye Protestant er Catholic?"
Terrified, the man thinks to himself, *if lie and tell him I'm Protestant, he may very well be Catholic. But if I tell the truth and say I'm Catholic, there's a large chance he'll be Protestant!*
So the man says, "Jewish"
The assailant grins and says "Lordy! I'm the luckiest Palestinian in all of Ireland!"
Jimmy lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Jimmy went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' say a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied,
"I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Protestants down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Jimmy said,
"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed,
"Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Irish Confession
An Irish man went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
Inside he found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
When the priest came in, the Irish man said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replied, "You m**..., you're on my side"
The Irish brothel
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman, "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.
The second Irishman says "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and s**... hats!"
They continue drinking their beer, roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi, when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died."
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside
with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Two Irish men are sitting in bar in New York....
The one Irish man turns to the other and asks him where he is from. The second Irish man responds by saying, " I'm from northern Ireland."
"Me too!" Says the first Irish man. He proceeds to ask the second Irish man where he went to school.
"St. Mary's Catholic church"
"Me too! What year did you graduate?"
"1974"
"Oh! Me too" they went on for a while discussing the similarities between their lives. One local turns to the bartender and asks, "What's with those guys?". Casually, the bartender replies, "it looks like the O'malley twins have had too much to drink again."
p**... is a poor Irish farmer...
He spends all day from dawn till dusk working his little farm to provide for his sick wife and 12 daughters.
Every night he kneels by the side of his bed and prays. 'Dear Lord, I'm a good catholic just trying to do right, please oh Lord could I win the lottery?'
For years and years p**... struggles on, ekeing a meagre existence from his tiny farm, attending church every sunday, nursing his sick wife and teaching his 12 daughters how to live moral lives.
And every night still, he kneels by the side of his bed and begs the lord to please let him win the lottery.
One night, he is kneeling and praying like usual, when suddenly the sky bursts into golden light, a glorious chorus of angels sing and winged cherubs strum harps as the lord himself appears to p**....
p**...,' Gods deep voice booms.
With tears streaming down his face and his arms stretched towards the sky, p**... shouts 'YES MY LORD!'
'BUY A TICKET.'
An old one my late grandmother used to tell
In a Catholic school English classroom, a nun was giving the lesson.
"Today, children, we'll be talking about rhyme. Does anyone have a rhyme they'd like to share?"
Several little hands shot up. The nun pointed to the smallest girl, Sally, in the front.
"Hey, d**..., d**...,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed
To see such sport,
And the dish ran away with the spoon."
"Very good, Sally." said the nun. "Who else?" She called on a little boy, Jack.
"It has my name in it!
Jack, be nimble,
Jack, be quick,
Jack, jump over
The candlestick.
Jack jumped high
Jack jumped low
Jack jumped over
and burned his toe."
"Wonderful rhyme, Jack!" replied the nun. Now, in the back of the class sat Michael. Michael came from a loud Irish family and was known as a troublemaker. The nun had tried to pick the other students before him, but he was beginning to make a commotion so she sighed and called out "yes, Michael."
"I've got a rhyme for you, Sister" he said.
"Mary came from Boston, Mass. and went into the water up to her knees."
"Michael," began the nun, "that doesn't rhyme."
"Oh, I know Sister. But wait until the tide comes in."