Catholic Church Jokes
100 catholic church jokes and hilarious catholic church puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about catholic church that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Catholic Church Short Jokes
Short catholic church jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The catholic church humour may include short catholic jokes also.
- A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church... The priest says, "Hey hey hey, you're not allowed here."
The Higgs boson says, "But without me, there would be no mass." - At the box office this weekend Predator took first place and The Nun took second. Coincidently, that's how the Catholic Church ranks it's priorities.
- Catholicism has 1.2 billion followers around the globe, second only to Islam with 1.8 billion But that's okay because the Catholic church doesn't mind coming in a little behind.
- A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church.. Priest: "I'm sorry we don't allow Higgs bosons in here."
Higgs boson: "oh I'm sorry, but without me you can't have mass." - Two nuns at a Catholic Church Two nuns at a Catholic Church near me got pregnant.
On an unrelated note, they dressed up as altar boys for Halloween. - This Easter, the catholic church is sourcing all of it's bread and wine from a factory in China. It's called mass production.
- Why do Catholics not fight during church? Because Mass-Debating is wrong
(read it out loud) - What do you call a last minute Catholic Church service that everyone needs to attend? Critical Mass
- A bus full of Catholics and a coach load of Jews all arrive at the same church There was mass confusion.
- Swiss Cheese was recently declared the official cheese of the Catholic Church. It's the holiest of cheeses.
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Catholic Church One Liners
Which catholic church one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with catholic church? I can suggest the ones about catholic school and church holy.
- What time is bed time at the Catholic church? When the big hand touches the little hand!
- What does the head of the Catholic Church used to buy goods online? Papal
- Why does the Catholic Church have so much money? Because Jesus saves.
- How do Catholic church priests stay healthy? They exorcise.
- My body is like a temple... More like a Catholic church. Full of wine, bread, and guilt.
- The Catholic Church just released a new app... But... It's pay to pray.
- What do you call a Catholic that argues in church? A mass debater
- What do you call a shooting in a Boston Catholic Church? A Mass mass mass shooting.
- Did you hear about the gunfight in the Catholic church? Mass Shooting
- Catholic Church service on Sunday has been renamed! They now attend Sunday Mask.
- What's the Catholic Church's favourite soccer team? BSC Young Boys
- What is a jazz musician that got kicked out of the catholic church? Sax-communicated.
- What's the easiest place to get a job as a young boy? The Catholic Church!
- What is the worst sin according to the Catholic Church? Priestiality!
- Catholic church must be serious. Everything with Mass has gravity, after all.
Witty Catholic Church Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about catholic church you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean roman catholic jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make catholic church pranks.
Just learned the Catholic Church is okay with one person marrying two different people!
Priests do it all the time
I managed to escape Neverland Ranch by taking refuge in a nearby Catholic church.
Oh well...out of the flying Pan, into the friar.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Catholic Church has chosen its anthem
Concerto for o**... in a minor.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does the Catholic Church protect paedophiles?
Because the last time they shunned a child m**..., he started Islam.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a j**... lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a j**... lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Pope is stepping down because he's "too old"...
... I see the Catholic Church applies the same criteria to Popes as it does to their choirboys.
Nescafe and the Pope
Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers,
"Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to
donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily
coffee."
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the
Lord. It must not be changed."
"Well," said the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For
this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."
"My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and
it must not be changed."
The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your
adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.... We will
donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great
Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give
us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'
Please consider it."
And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.The good
news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'"
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Wonder-Bread account."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do Catholics and Baptists have in common?
Neither acknowledge their fellow church-goers at the liquor store.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke a Jewish speaker at my Catholic college told the student body in front of a bunch of nuns
So a man walks into confession and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned". The priest says "What have you done, my son?"
"I'm 72 and just had s**... with two 25 year olds" he claimed.
"Are you kidding?!" the priest said. "You can't do that. 100 Hail Mary's and run around the church 1000 times. By the way is this your first confession?"
"Yes I've never been to confession before. I'm Jewish."
"If you are Jewish why are you telling me this?" begged the priest.
"I'm telling everybody"
The Irishman's parking space
An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.
He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."
Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A drunk guy enters a Catholic church
A drunk guy enters a Catholic church. He stumbles along, talks with the statues and finally enters the confessional where he sits down quietly on the chair. The priest patiently waits for him then coughs a bit but he gets no reaction. He waits a little while longer and knocks in the wall, finally drawing the drunk's attention:
-Stop the knocking, fool, there's no toilet paper in here either!
The chairman of Perdue Chicken goes to the Vatican to meet the pope.
Jim Perdue, CEO of Perdue Chicken, goes to the Vatican to meet the pope. He says "Pope Francis, it is an honor to meet you. As you know, I am a devoted Catholic, and I'm bringing a generous donation today - 2 million dollars - and in return I simply ask you hear a proposal."
Pope Francis says, "yes, of course."
Jim Perdue says "I propose you change all references of bread to chicken. For example, 'Give us this day out daily chicken.' And instead of bread-based Eucharist, you could give chicken nuggets."
Pope Francis says, "sir, that is really not a feasible proposal."
Perdue says, "tell you what, I'll donate the $2 million no strings attached, but if you implement my proposal, I'll donate another $20 million."
The Pope merely thanks him and leaves the room.
The next day, at a meeting with his cardinals, the pope says, "Exalted cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church... we need to discuss the Wonderbread account."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Heresy
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic s**...!" and pushed him off.
~Emo Philips
A Muslim and a Catholic priest walk into a bar.
The two start talking casually about their respective religions. The Muslim says, "I believe that when I die, Allah will bless me with 72 virgins."
The priest's eyes get wide. "Really? That would be awesome, but unfortunately the church can only have 3 altar boys at a time."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was walking across a bridge...
and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.
I said, "Well there's so much to live for."
"Like what?"
"Well, are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Baptist or Episcopalian!"
"Baptist."
"Me too! Are you Baptist Church or God or Reformed Baptist Church of God"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1893 or Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917."
To which I said, "Die, heretic s**...!" as I pushed him off the bridge.
You hear Pete Carroll is getting recruited for a new job..
Yeah, he is getting offers from the Pope at the Vatican! The Pope said that if he can make 100 million people say "Jesus Christ" at the same time, he needs to work for the Catholic Church
Why did the Catholic church decide to abandon science?
Light stopped having mass
A man's dog dies
A fine elderly Catholic gentleman lived alone in Southwest Florida in an upscale gated community except for his beloved dog that he had for a long time.
The dog finally died and the gent went to the parish priest, saying "Father, my dear dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the grief stricken man "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a Baptist church down the road, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
The old fellow said "I'll go right now. Thank you Father...By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied
"Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do miss Frizzle and the catholic church have in common?
They've both been in little boys.
A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship.
The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.
Olympics Ticket
To whoever might interest, a friend of mine bought a ticket for the Olympics football finals, but he didn't realize the date was the same as his upcoming marriage.
If any of you wants to take his place, with everything already paid, the marriage takes place at the Catholic Church and the bride's name is Joanna.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My cousin is so poor....
that when she couldn't afford pay the Catholic church for her exorcism, they repossessed her.
What do you call it when the pope disagrees with the Catholic Church?
Inapoperiate behaviour
I hear Donald Trump has been endorsed by the Roman Catholic Church
He's called for a ban on contraception. He wants to make America mate again
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a sick s**... attending the catholic mass ?
Winston™ Church-ill
What does the NFL, NBA, and the Catholic Church have in common?
They all have a cult following
Midget priest
The new bishop is visiting local churches to meet the priests and introduce himself.
He walks in to see a midget priest.
Surprised he exclaims "wow you must be the only midget catholic priest in the whole faith, what's that like?"
The midget says "actually we prefer little people"
Bishop replies "Who doesn't"
"We're happy to announce NASA's newest mission will allow us to LITERALLY touch our own Sun!"
"Before we continue, please welcome our strangely-excited sponsors, the Catholic Church!"
How does the Catholic church recruit new members?
They get 'em while they're young.
The Catholic church is considering going all-in on gluten-free wafers
At risk is cross-contamination.
Did you hear about the New Age Catholic Church? They've got an organic gluten-free Communion wafer ...
It's called I Can't Believe it's not Jesus!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man walks into a Catholic church at night
To his surprise, two priests walk up to excitedly greet him.
"Hello!" Says the other. "I am Paul Unch, and this is Liam Ine, we're the priests here. If you'll walk this way-"
"Hold up", says the man. "P. Unch and L. Ine? I'm in a s**... joke, right?"
"O-h**...!" exclaims Ine. "You got us!"
"Alright, screw this. I'm leaving." And he walks out in a huff.
"Well, that got rid of him", said Ine. "Paul, get the altar boys back in."
There should be an app to electronically and securely send and receive money, but to be used by members of the Catholic Church.
It could be called "Paypal".
What do Black Holes and the Catholic Church have in common?
They both have a lot of mass that you cannot escape!
What happened when students for the deaf and blind went to the Catholic Church?
Mass confusion
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Catholic Church doesn't believe in s**... before marriage.
My wife doesn't doesn't believe in s**... after marriage.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Meanwhile at a catholic church...
We pray you Saint Anne...
The devil appears: Oh, it's you guys again. For Pete's sake stop calling me if you don't mean it and at least pronounce my name right.
(Made this up myself, still giggling...)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got my kid baptized yesterday
Priest: Do you believe in the Holy Spirit and the holy Catholic church?
Me: I do.
Priest: Do you believe in the communion of saints and the forgiveness of sins?
Me: I do.
Priest: Do you believe in the resurrection of the body and life everlasting?
Me: I do
Priest: Do you hereby indemnify and hold harmless the Catholic church for any s**... misconduct to you and your family for ever and ever amen?
Me: I do--- wait! Hold on!
Priest: Too late! You said it!
The Catholic church wants more people interested in priesthood.
They have got a lot of bad publicity lately so they just released a new campaign. They are offering scholarships for 100 lucky boys that can attend private school to become a priest for free.
Their slogan: "Find the priest inside of you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy goes in to a catholic church to confess his sins but Father is still sleeping up stairs half drunk so one of the altar boys tries taking the confession instead
but soon this altar boy is put in a situation where he does not know what to do.
"Euh, excuses me for one sec. I will be right back to let you know what the proper penance is for that sin"
"Psssht, hey danny. Danny!"
"Yeah"
"What does Father give for m**...?"
"Two snickers and a marsbar"
(X post) An artillery captain was made a saint by the Catholic Church.
One could say he was cannonized.
Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Apparently there's a lack of s**... education being taught in school
Which is why I'm glad the Catholic church has taken matters into their own hands.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I read the report on the s**... a**... of minors in the Catholic church
It seems that much of the a**... took place in the rectory.
Two catholic priests are discussing their colleague's retirement.
"It's strange", says one priest.
"How so?, asked the other.
The first priest replies, "Well ever since Arthur left his church, the choirboys haven't been able to sing as high."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Catholic Church banned plastic bags from its premises.
They consider them to be s**...-religious.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the difference between the Roman Catholic Church and the Russian Orthodox Church?
The Roman Catholics drink Holy Wine while the Russian Orthodox drink Holy v**....
I read about a Catholic priest that exposed himself
So the church defrocked him.
- Jimmy Carr
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest.
An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest and tells him, "Father, me old dog died. Can ye say a wee mass for the old gal?"
"No. Can't do it. The Church doesn't do f**... mass for pets, but I'll tell you what, the Protestant church down the hill will most likely do it. They don't have the same high standards that we do."
"Fine father, but I have one more question for ye. Would two hundred euro be enough of a donation to thank them for their services."
The priest's eye grew wide and he slapped the man on the back telling him, "Ahhh, man, why didn't you TELL me that your dog was Catholic?!"
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church...
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's *no* *paper on this side* either!"
Did you know that Vegas has more Catholic Churches than casinos?
Not surprisingly, some Sunday worshipers give casino chips when the collection basket is passed. Since they get chips for many different casinos the churches have devised a system to handle the collections. The churches send all of their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then taken to the individual casinos to redeem for cash.
This is done by the chip monks.
A rabbi and a Catholic priest seat together in a bus and start talking about ranks in the Catholic church...
- "So after becoming bishop and maybe archbishop, they can be appointed as cardinals?", asked the Rabbi.
- "That's right.", replied the priest.
- "And only cardinals can become pope?", continued the Rabbi.
- "Not necessarily, but usually yes.", said the priest.
- "And what's next? Can someone become God?", inquired the rabbi.
- "No! Never!"
- "Well, one of ours did."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You'd think the Catholic Church would be more supportive of c**... use...
Less DNA evidence.
4 catholic priests are sharing a private compartment on a train
They decided to confess their biggest flaw to each other.
The first priest confesses that he spends most of the church money on booze.
The second priest explains that he blows the church collection betting on horses.
The third priest confesses that he spends the church takings on drugs.
They have opened their souls and revealed their deepest secrets. They look to the last priest and he says "I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Weddings by Christian denomination [super-dated but still funny]
At a Catholic wedding, the bride is pregnant.
At a m**... wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant.
At a United Church wedding, the minister is pregnant.
At a Unitarian wedding, the minister and her wife are both pregnant.
*Adapted poorly from a joke about Jewish denominations.*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man's dog dies
A man's dog dies, he had been his only companion for years.
So he goes to the nearest Catholic Church and asks for a f**... mass.
The priest said my son I can't give a mass for a dog. The pope would excommunicate me!
The man replies he's been my companion for 18 years. I saw there was a protestant Church down the street and I want to give a $5000 Dollar donation.
The priest replied, son you didn't tell me that the dog was Catholic.
What do you call someone who attends both catholic and protestant church services?
They're bisectual
