Catching Fire Jokes

An apartment building is on fire. Firefighters are on the scene, however both their ladder and life net are broken. A star quarterback sees the commotion and asks, "What's happening? Can I help?" The fire chief says, "There's a mother and baby stuck in the building on the 19th floor! The mother is up there in the window. Can you catch her child?" The mother frantically waves down to the men below and the football player shouts up to her, "Go ahead, I'm ready!" He holds his arms out and the women drops the infant. Just when the quarterback deftly catches the child, he spikes it to the ground yelling, "TOUCHDOWN!"

An apartment building is on fire. Firefighters are on the scene, however both their ladder and life net are broken. A star quarterback sees the commotion and asks, "What's happening? Can I help?" The fire chief says, "There's a mother and baby stuck in the building on the 19th floor! The mother is up there in the window. Can you catch her child?" The mother frantically waves down to the men below and the football player shouts up to her, "Go ahead, I'm ready!" He holds his arms out and the women drops the infant. Just when the quarterback deftly catches the child, he spikes it to the ground yelling, "TOUCHDOWN!"

Two r**... from Arkansas were out hunting.
They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.
The first r**... says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."
After about three hours, the second r**... finds he is really lost.
He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him.
He then waits an hour and does it again.
He repeats this until he is out of ammo.
The next morning, the first r**... finds the second with the help of forest rangers.
He asks the second r**... man if he did what he told him to do.
The r**... answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."

A rancher dies.

A rancher dies and leaves the ranch to his wife. She, not being able to handle the responsibility of caring for the ranch, is forced to hire a ranch hand. The only available candidate happens to be a gay man, to whom she is fairly prejudiced. But left with no choice, she hires him. It turns out to be a great decision. He's really good. The ranch is well maintained and the animals are happy and healthy. As a reward, she tells him to take the night off. 'Go into town and enjoy yourself,' she says. And so he does. But by midnight, he's still not home.
12:30...
1:00...
1:30... nothing...
2:00 in the morning, he finally walks in the door, and she's waiting for him. She's sitting in an easy chair, by the fireplace. She's got a cigarette in one hand and a glass of brandy in the other, sipping it by candlelight. He walks in. She says to him...
'Take off my blouse'
He's a bit taken a back, and quite frankly, a little uncomfortable, but he does it.
'Now, take off my skirt'
Again, he's uncomfortable but, again, he does it.
'Take off my bra.'
Now, he's visibly nervous, but this is his boss, so, he goes ahead and does it.
'Now, take off my p**....'
By this point, he's noticeably upset and uncomfortable, but he does it.
'And if I ever catch you wearing my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

A physicist, a chemist and a mathematician

are having one of their daily meetings for a project when the waste basket catches on fire. The physicist gets up, gets a bucket from the closet, goes out to fill it with water, and puts out the fire. The meeting is concluded without further incident.
During the next day's meeting, the waste basket catches on fire again. The chemist gets up, gets the bucket from where the physicist left it, goes out to fill it with sand, and puts out the fire. The meeting goes on as normal.
The following day, the waste basket catches on fire again. The mathematician gets up, gets the bucket from where the chemist left it, puts it in the closet, and returns to his seat, thus reducing the problem to one that has already been solved.

three men were on a road trip when their car broke down

they walked a mile and found a farm and decided to ask the old farmer if they could c**.... the farmer was a kind man and decided to let the men stay, as long as they didn't touch the three hot daughters. later that night none of the men could help themselves and decided to go for it, thinking that the old farmer wouldn't catch them.

the next morning, the farmer lined up the three men and said "I know you three have slept with my daughters! as punishment, you will each tell me what your job is and I will m**... you according to your profession"
the first man, not being very smart, said "I'm a fire fighter" so the farmer burned the first man.
the second man, a little smarter, said "I'm a police officer" so the farmer went in his tool shed and came out with a beating stick and beat the man to death.
the third man was a lot a lot smarter than the other two and said "I'm a professional lollipop l**..."

Engineer, Physicist and Mathematician

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are sleeping in their respective hotel rooms when a problem with the hotel's electrical system causes sparks to fly from the sockets and catch fire to the wastepaper basket.
The engineer wakes up from the alarm, sees what is going on and runs to the bathroom. He fills a bucket with water, which he throws onto the wastepaper basket. Relieved that the fire is out, he goes back to bed.
The physicist wakes up from the alarm and sees what is going on. He grabs a pad of paper and a pencil, and works out how much water he will need to put out the fire. He then goes to the bathroom and fills a bucket with the precise amount of water he needs (accounting for measurement error), and proceeds to put out the fire. He then goes back to bed.
The mathematician wakes up from the alarm and sees what is going on. He grabs a pad of paper and a pencil, and works out how much water he will need to put out the fire.
"Aha! A solution exists!" And he goes back to bed.
*Alternate ending*
Later that night the hotel's electrical system fails again, causing sparks to fly from the sockets and catch fire to the bed sheets. The mathematician wakes up, considers the fire, and then takes the still-burning sheets and puts them in the wastepaper basket.
"Aha! I've reduced the problem to a previously-solved form!" And he goes back to bed.

I was told this joke by an old lady back when I was 12.

Three men are at the gates of Heaven. The first walks up to Saint Peter, who asks him how he died.
"I knew my wife was cheating on me, but I had no proof, so I went home early one day to catch her. I walked in and saw her lying n**... in bed, but I didn't see the guy anywhere. I looked in the bathroom, in the closet, under the bed... nothing. But then I looked out the window and saw a man hanging from the fire escape below me in his boxers. In a fit of rage I picked up the refrigerator beside me and threw it at him. Unfortunately, this gave me a heart attack and I died."
Saint Peter gives his condolences and lets the first man into Heaven. The second man walks up.
"So I was doing pull ups on my fire escape this when all of a sudden this refrigerator comes out of nowhere and flattens me!"
Saint Peter again expresses his condolences at the dramatic irony and lets the second man in. The third then walks up.
"So I was sitting n**... in a refrigerator..."

A wealthy woman with a headache goes with her husband to a party.

After 20 minutes, she says, "Honey, I'm not feeling too well. You stay and have a nice time. I'll be at home waiting for you later.
She drives backs to her large home, walks upstairs, begins filling the tub, and walks into her bedroom. The butler is there.
She says to him, "Unbutton my shirt. Now, take it off. " He does. She says, "Take off my shoes and my skirt," so he does. She says, "Take off my bra." He complies. She says, "Now, I like you, and I won't say anything to my husband about this, but if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you'll be fired."

A farmer dies...

... and her wife is left in charge with running the farm. Living with him for twenty years, she knew everything there was about farming, but lacked the physical prowess to do so.
She decided to put up a "Help Wanted" poster to have extra hands to help with her crops. Three men wanted the job, but she chooses the gay man, who is gentler than the rest.
Two months pass by, and the man works very diligently. They soon become well acquainted; being able to trust one another.
One night, the man comes back from town, with newly bought supplies. Upon entry of the farm, he realizes that the widow is still there, waiting at her bed.
The widow beckons a finger at him. The man gulps.
"Take off my shoes."
He takes off her shoes.
"Take off my dress."
He solemnly takes off her dress.
"Unclasp my bra."
The bra is removed.
"Take off my p**...."
He pulls her p**... down.
She scorns, and says, "If I catch you going into town with my clothes again, you're fired!"

A physicist, engineer, and a mathematician are in a hotel...

A physicist, engineer, and a mathematician are in a hotel in 3 separate rooms. All 3 of their waste paper baskets catch on fire and wake them up from their humble slumber.
The physicist sees the fire and thinks quickly! He calculates the amount of water needed to put out the fire, and douses it with water. The fire goes out and he goes back to bed.
The engineer sees the fire and thinks quickly! He draws, designs, and constructs a larger bucket to suffocate the fire. The fire goes out and he goes back to bed.
The mathematician sees the fire and thinks quickly! He gets out a pad of paper and a pen and starts calculating. After a few minutes he yells "ahah! This problem has a solution!" And goes back to bed.

Women on death row

Three women, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde are on death row for unspeakable crimes. Instead of the electric chair, they are to be shot by a squad of soldiers. The red haired girl is first, but she has an idea. The commander starts the count down: 3...2..1... The girl yells: "Earthquake!" Everyone is startled and confused and she escapes. Up next is the brunette. She catches on the idea as well. The countdown starts again: 3..2...1... She yells: "tornado!!" Like the girl before her, she also escapes during the confusion. Finally it's the blonde's turn. She too has figured out the trick. Again the countdown starts: 3..2...1..
She yells: "Fire!!"

A lady and her butler

A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off.
She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early. She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room. She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom. She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.
"Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully.
"Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Throckmorton. Remove my bra and p**...." The tension mounted as he complied.
Finally she looked at him and said, "Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

Roulette

A meeting wraps up amongst delegates in Russia. The Russian minister says to his fellow delegates, "After meetings like this, its Russian policy to drink v**... and play a round of Russian Roulette."
The Nigerian delegate asks what Russian Roulette is.
"Well I take this revolver, place a round in it, spin the chamber and fire at my temple. Then I pass it around. Each of you spins the chamber and repeats. If you die, it means you didn't have honest intentions in the meeting."
They each take their turn and live, at which point the meetings adjourn. A few months later the same group meets in Nigeria.
After their meetings the Nigerian Ambassador says "After a successful meeting in this country we like to drink Ogogoro and play a round of Nigerian Roulette."
"How do you play?" The Russian asks.
"Well I bring in 4 beautiful women. You must choose to sleep with one of them unprotected."
"That's not so bad," the Russian says "Is there a catch?"
"One of the 4 of them is h**... positive"

A rich woman feigns illness andbleavesba party early

When she gets home, she calls the butler to her bedroom.
"Jeeves? Take off my coat."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my high heels."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, unzip my dress, and remove it...throw it on the floor!
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my brassiere and p**...."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves?"
"Yes, madam?"
"If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

A Rich Woman And Her Butler

A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler,
Throckmorton, the night off.
She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early.
She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room.
She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom.
She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.
"Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully.
"Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Throckmorton. Remove my bra and p**...." The tension mounted as he complied.
Finally she looked at him and said,
"Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

Ask Jeeves

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay with the others since several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.
She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said, "take off my dress." He did this carefully. "Jerves," she continued, "take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said, "remove my bra and p**...." As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

I was at a gas station...

I was at a gas station filling up my car. Nearby I see a woman smoking a cigarette.
I tell her, You should stop that it's dangerous.
She ignores me and continues smoking.
A few seconds later her arm catches on fire and she starts waving its around trying to put it out.
I call 911 and a cop shows up and arrests her.
I ask the cop, Did you arrest her because she was smoking at a gas station?
He replies, No, it was because she was waving a firearm.
Credits to a substitute teacher for telling me this one

Lady Penelope returns to her mansion after a long weekend at Tracy Island

Upon seeing Parker in the main bedroom she commands him;
"Parker, take of my dress"
"Yes, M'lady" replies Parker
"Now Parker, take off my Bra"
"Yes M'lady"
"Now Parker take of my p**..."
"Yes M'lady"
"Now Parker if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again you're fired!"