Cat People Jokes

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are all being chased by cops. They reach an alley and there are 3 barrels. The redhead goes into the barrel filled with cats, the brunette goes into the barrel full of dogs, and the blonde goes inside the barrel filled with potatoes. The cops arrive at the alley and kick the barrels to see which ones have people in them. The cop kicks the barrel with cats and the redhead goes "Meow meow" so she doesn't get caught. The cop kick the barrel with dogs and the brunette goes "Bark bark" so she doesn't get caught. The cop kicks the barrel with the potatoes and the blonde says "Potato, Potato".

A cat died and went to Heaven.
God met her at the Pearly Gates, petted her on the head and said, "You have been a good cat for these 40 years. Anything that you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and replied, "All my life I have lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more."
Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident, and they all went to heaven together.
God met them at the gates of Heaven with the same offer He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, all our lives we've had to run from dogs, cats and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates, we'd never have to run again."
God said, "It is done!"
All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat.
He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.
God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, I've never been so happy in my life! My pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals-on-wheels you've been sending over here are delicious!"

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.
You own a homemade fur coat.
The people on j**... Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.

A ship went down on a reef...

There were only three survivors; a 25 year old man, a dog, and a cat.
They were washed up on a deserted tropical island. Food and water were no problem, but after a month the man started to get the urge to have s**.... As there were no other people, he was forced to choose between the dog and the cat. Naturally, he chose the dog - man`s best friend. But the cat had a jealous streak, and would always interrupt the man when he tried to have his way with the dog. The man tried all kinds of strategies, but it was no use. The cat never allowed him a chance to get it on with the dog.
Then one day, another ship went down on the reef. From this ship there was only one survivor; a beautiful 22 year old woman. She almost drowned in the surf as she made her way to the island, but the man rescued her - effectively saving her life.
The woman was so grateful that she offered to do anything for the man.
"Anything?" asked the man, already thinking about his carnal desires.
"Yes. Absolutely anything. I`ll do anything to show you my appreciation. For you are my savior," she replied.
"Well then", said the man, "I`d be delighted if you could take the cat for a walk for half an hour."

Some translated jokes

A man is accused of killing his mother in law and he is in court. The judge asks why he killed her. The man says "I didn't kill her. She died because she ate a poisonous apple." "Then why are her eyes black?" asks the judge. "She said she won't eat it."
***
Another man is accused of killing his friend by stabbing him 48 times. In court the judge asks why he killed his friend. The man says "I did not kill him Your Honor. I was peeling potatoes at home when my friend came to visit me. I dropped the knife when I tried to get up to greet him, but unfortunately he slipped and fell on the knife by his chest 48 times."
***
An officer becomes a platoon leader. He lined up his troops and holding a paper with the names of the soldiers he called their names to see who is who. He calls "John" and a soldier goes "Here!". "Smith", "Here!". And as he progressed down the list calling their names one name came up. Not thinking much the officer calls "Cat" and a soldier goes "Here!". Funny name, he thinks to himself and sees the next name. Confused the officer calls "Get your foot off the fence." and a soldier goes "Here!" After a few odd and strange names the officer says "You people have some strange names." and a soldier goes "Here!"

The leaders of the Big Three after the conference in Yalta

After WW2 in 1945 the leaders of the Big Three(USA, UK and the Soviet Union) respectively Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin met in Yalta for a conference to decide the fate of the world.
After the conference they wanted to have some fun. They decided to try and make the Persian cat in the residence to eat mustard.
Churchill started first. He took a silver spoon with some mustard and tried his best to feed the cat but failed.
-You british people don't understand, it should be done with democracy - said Roosevelt.
He took some chicken and put some mustard on it. The cat sniffed for a moment but walked away with no interest in the food he offered.
Without any hesitation Stalin took the cat and started to spread mustard on the fluffy tail. The cat started meowing loudly and lickеd the tail to wash out the mustard. Meowed and licked, meowed and licked... Then Stalin said wisely:
-That's how we do everything in our country, voluntarily and with a song.

Things not to say on a first date

* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
* I used to come here all the time with my ex.
* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.

So this guy was driving down a street...

...and felt a bump. He got out of his car quickly and looked to see what he'd hit. Turned out, he'd ran over a cat's tail, and it had come off! He started to panic. What would the owner do? He scooped up the tail-less cat and kicked the tail into a bush, hoping no one would notice.
He ran to his friend for help, asking "What am I going to do? Should I take her to the vet?" to which the friend replied, "No. Take her to Wal-Mart."
"What? Why?!"
"Because," his friend said, "they're the biggest retailers in Canada!"
(For people in other countries: replace Canada with your country)

Just some lame jokes!!

How do people at NASA organize a party??
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They Plan-et!! bad i know! But you read the title..right?
Here's another...
Whats the type of music mummies listen to?
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W-Rap
How bored are you that you're actually even reading these!!
One more...
How did I get out of Iraq??
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I-Ran...
I personally like this one a lot... And you're still here.. so i assume you liked it too... :D
Last one.. okay??
What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop??
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You'll find the answer in the comments hopefully.. :P

President's Day jokes

Q. Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?
A. Because he couldn't lie.
Q. What do you call George Washington's false teeth?
A. Presidentures!
Q. What would George Washington be if he were alive today?
A. Really, really, really old!
Abraham Lincoln made many humorous quotes and jokes in his lifetime:
It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.
No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

Slamming the door

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might need to move your cat."