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Cat Lady Jokes

46 cat lady jokes and hilarious cat lady puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cat lady that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Cat Lady Short Jokes

Short cat lady jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cat lady humour may include short cat fur jokes also.

  1. I was out on a first date and the lady asked me if I was more of a cat person or a dog person. I said "I'm a vegetarian."
  2. I can bring a Lady to complete ecstasy with one hand To be clear, Lady is my cat's name, and the hand in question operates the electric can opener
  3. Why did the old lady name her cat "Popcorn"? Because she liked to put it in the microwave.
  4. The lady next door ran over my cat. She said she'd replace it, so I asked her how good she was at catching mice.
    Courtesy of Mary Poppins.
  5. An old lady had two cats, which looked exactly the same. An old lady had two cats, which looked exactly the same. To tell them apart, she named one of them "Kitty" and drowned the other one.
  6. Live Shark "Can I buy a live shark here?"
    "Lady, what do you want with a live shark?"
    "A neighbor's cat has been eating my goldfish, and I want to teach him a lesson."
  7. What do crazy cat ladies and car enthusiasts have in common? They love to listen to their babies purr.

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Cat Lady One Liners

Which cat lady one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cat lady? I can suggest the ones about cat owner and cat people.

  1. My Town Is So Small that our crazy cat lady only has one cat.
  2. What did the thief cat steal from the lady cat? Her purrrse.
  3. What is a crazy cat lady's religious beliefs? Cat-holic
  4. Why do cat ladies talk weird? Cat got their tongues.
  5. What did a communist name their cat? Lady Mao
  6. Did you hear about the lady with 12 cats? She's a real Catholic.
  7. Why did the cat lady choose not to vaccinate? She believed it could cause pawtism.

Cat Lady Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about cat lady you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean kitty cat jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cat lady pranks.

a man knocks on a lady's door and said
'i'm terribly sorry miss but i ran over your cat,.

because i'm responsible of its death i would like to replace your cat ' and the lady said ' thank You so how are you at you at catching mice then?'

a man knocks on a lady's door and said
'i'm terribly sorry miss but i ran over your cat,.

because i'm responsible of its death i would like to replace your cat ' and the lady said ' thank You so how are you at you at catching mice then?'

A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

So there is a mother and her daughter sitting on the plane.

They haven't taken off yet and are still on the runway. The daughter, who is pretty young, say four or five, looks out the window and gets to thinking....
"Mommy. If big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens, then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"
And the mom, she's hungover and jet lagged.
"aw, baby, just go ask the stewardess"
So the daughter gets up to ask the flight attendant.
"Hey stewardess lady, if big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"
And the stewardss says "did your mother tell you to come ask me this?" The girl nods.
"well, you see, sweetheart, this is JetBlue. And we always pull out on time. That's why there's no baby airplanes. Go ask your mom about that."

So a cat goes to heaven and the lord says he'll grant him one wish...

So a cat goes to heaven and the lord says he'll grant him one wish. The cat says, "Lord, I'd like a fluffy pillow to lay on." So the lord gave him a fluffy pillow.
The next day, three mice died and went to heaven. The lord said he'd grant them one wish. The mice said, "Lord, we'd like to have roller skates so we can skate in heaven." So the lord gave the mice roller skates.
The next day, the lord visited the cat and asked, "How is your fluffy pillow?"
The cat replied, "I'm loving the fluffy pillow. But you know what I love even more? Those meals on wheels."

Broccoli.

An employee in a grocery store was stocking produce when a fairly old woman approached him. "Excuse me, young man?", she asked, "Can you tell me where I can find the broccoli?" The employee explained that they were fresh out but they will be in stock with more produce the following morning. The woman thanked him and walked off.
A few minutes later the employee heard the voice again, "Excuse me, sir? Where is the broccoli, I can't find the broccoli." It was the same woman, slightly more agitated. The employee responded, "Ma'am, I believe I told you already, we are out of broccoli right now, we'll have more in stock tomorrow." The woman gave him a dirty look and walked off.
Minutes later, the employee finished stocking the produce and turned to go back to the front of the store. He suddenly was confronted again by the same woman, now furious. "WHERE IS THE BROCCOLI? I CAN'T FIND IT!", She shouted. The employee took a deep breath and said,
"Ma'am. Humor me. Spell 'cat'...like in 'catastrophe'."
"C-A-T", she replied.
"Correct, now can you spell the 'dog', like in 'dogmatic'?"
"D-O-G", she said, exasperated.
"Perfect. Now spell the f**...', like in 'broccoli'."
The woman paused and shouted, "THERE IS NO f**...' IN 'BROCCOLI'!"
"*THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU, LADY!*"

Man runs over a cat

Yesterday the lady next door received a buzz from the front door. When she opened the door there was a man there.
With a saddened look the man says "Lady, I'm terribly sorry, I just ran over your cat."
Without hesitation the man tells the lady that he would like to replace the cat.
The lady looks up at the man and replies "Thats all right with me, but how are you at catching mice?"

A woman answers her door...

And a man is standing in the doorway. He says, "lady I'm sorry, but I think I just hit your cat." The lady replies, " oh no, I don't think so, he hardly ever gets out of the house." The man says, "well it came running out of your yard." The woman then asks, "what does it look like?" The man says, "well it looks kinda flat and runny." "No what did it look like before you hit it?". "Surprised. "

Bing Crosby

A long time ago, back in the autumn of 1952, when Bing Crosby was
filming the movie "White Christmas" in New Hampshire, the Mayor of
Nashua, NH thought it would be a great idea to have Bing visit their
fair town & present him with the key to the city on the steps of City
Hall. You know, a nice little photo op for the mayor's re-election &
a
way for some of the town's dignitaries to meet the Great Bing Crosby.
Now one as to remember, Bing Crosby at this time was at the peak of his singing career. He was bigger than Elvis, the Beatles, Sinatra, Lady GaGa & the Beach Boys all put together. He crossed generational lines, admired by young & old as one of the "coolest cats" in the music world.
Well, word leaked out that Bing would be in town so hundreds of
teenagers skipped school to attend the little ceremony. The
authorities were not prepared for such a large crowd, there were only a few policemen present, and things soon got out of hand. Pushing &
shoving began as the teenagers all wanted to get closer to see their hero. It soon looked like the Mayor was going to a have a riot on his hands and he was growing more frantic by the minute. All he wanted was a nice little ceremony with Bing and now he had a full fledged uprising threatening to ruin everything.
Throughout all this Bing was seated in his chair, calmly observing
what was happening. When the crowd started to push through the barricades that were set up, he had had enough. Bing got up, strolled to the microphone & said in a commanding voice, "All right, everyone cool down right now"! The rioting crowd immediately calmed down and the Mayor's little ceremony went on without a hitch & everyone went home happy.
The next day's newspaper headline read: CROSBY STILLS NASHUA YOUNG!!

Tom Jones' Disease

A Man goes to the Doctor and lays out his problems. He says whenever he sees a cat he yells "What's New, p**...?"
If he sees a woman while on the street, he exclaims "She's A Lady!" which is really driving his wife crazy.
And speaking of his wife he keeps calling her Delilah, when her name is Susan!
The doctor says "Considering your symptoms, it sounds like you have Tom Jones' Disease"
"Tom Jones' Disease? I've never heard of that! Is it rare?"
"It's not unusual"

Old Lady and the Fairy Godmother

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
Well, now, says the old lady, I guess I would like to be really, really rich. *p**...* Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess. *p**...* She turns into a beautiful young woman.
Your third wish? asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. Ooh… can you change him into a handsome prince? she asks. *p**...* There before her stands a young man, more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!

An old lady received 3 wishes...

An old lady sat on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appeared and informed her that she would be granted three wishes.

Well, now, said the old lady, I guess I would like to be really rich.
*p**...* Her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.
*p**...* She turned into a beautiful young woman.
Your third wish? asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wandered across the porch in front of them. Ooh – can you change him into a handsome prince? she asked.
*p**...*
And there before her stood a young man more handsome than anyone could have possibly imagined. She stared at him, smitten. With a smile that made her knees weak, he sauntered across the porch and whispered in her ear,
Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.

A woman rubs a lamp and out pops a genie.

''You're a kind lady, so I'll grant you one wish,'' the genie tells her.''See this cat? I'd rather have a strong, handsome man,'' she says.The genie agrees and – p**...! – the cat turns into a Brad Pitt clone. The woman leaps into his lap.''Do you have anything to say before we make love?'' she asks.''Yes,'' he says. ''I bet you wish you hadn't had me neutered last week.''

Store Policy

CUSTOMER: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT: Do you have a dog?
CUSTOMER: Yes.
CHECKOUT: Where is he?
CUSTOMER: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the customer returns.
CUSTOMER: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT: Do you have a cat?
CUSTOMER: Yes.
CHECKOUT: Well...where is he?
CUSTOMER: He's at home!
CHECKOUT: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the customer returns.
CHECKOUT: What's in the sack?
CUSTOMER: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
CUSTOMER: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

Dead duck

An old lady has a sick pet duck that she loves dearly, but she's broke so she takes him to a cheap veterinary clinic. The vet doc says your duck is dying there's nothing we can do. Devastated she pleads for him to try anything, so he says he'll be right back. He walks back in with a Labrador by his side, the dog places one paw on the duck, nothing. Vet doc says OK one moment. Leaves comes back with a cat, cat places one paw on the duck, nothing. The vet doc then tells the lady that's all he can do but her duck is still dying. Defeated and broken she leaves, upon receiving the bill on the way out its three times higher than she expected hud. She ask the secretary why and she says "it says here you requested additional LAB work and a CAT scan"

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are running from the cops...

when the ladies duck into the proverbial farmhouse off the main road to hide.
They see three huge wooden barrels, and each climb into one to hide.
Moments later the cops bust down the door and begin their search.
They see the first barrel (with the brunette hiding inside) and kick it to see if anything's inside when they hear...
"Woof! ... Woof!..."
Meh - just an old dog.
They kick the second barrel (with the red head hiding inside) when they hear...
"Meow! ... Meow!..."
Meh - just a s**... cat.
They kick the third barrel (with the blonde hiding inside) when they hear...
"Po-ta-to! ... Po-ta-to!"

"She's a Veterinarian."

Every Sunday morning a little old lady places $1,000 in the donation box at church. After a few weeks the Priest, overcome with curiosity, approaches her.
Mrs. Smythe, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the donation box.'
Why yes, she replied, every week my daughter sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church.
That's wonderful, how much does she send you?
At least $2,000 a week.
And what does she do for a living?
She is a veterinarian, she answers.
That is a very good profession. Where does she practice?
Well," says the old lady, "she has a cat house in Chicago, and another one in Dallas…

The Housewife and the Grocer 1988 (cat. no. 62)

A Housewife selected three small tomatoes and was told by the grocer they were 75 cents.
"What!" she exclaimed, "75 cents for those small tomatoes? Well, you can just take them and you know what you can do with them!?
"I can't lady," replied the unhappy grocer, "there's a 95 cent cucumber there."
- Richard Prince

I'd like to buy some dog food

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry; I can't sell this dog food to you unless Isee the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see
your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm... It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

Little Minnie was digging a pit in her house's backward ...

... Curious, her neighboring lady asked her what she was doing.
"My parrot died yesterday. I'm preparing to bury him."
"Ohhh, that's so sad. But why such a big grave for a little parrot?"
"Coz he's in your cat's stomach."

Yesterday when the lady answered the door there was a man there.

And the man said to the lady I'm terribly sorry, I just ran over your cat.
Then the man said, I'd like to replace your cat.
The lady said, that's alright with me, but how are you at catching mice?

Two scared dads

Two kids are arguing over whose father was the biggest scaredy cat. Tommy says, My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bead.
Peter replies, Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door.

An old lady was cleaning an ancient lamp in her attic

And then p**... , a genie appeared and asked if he can grant 3 wishes for her .
The old lady said
- I want to be young and beautiful again
- I want to very rich
- my cat should become a handsome prince
p**... the next moment she is young , sitting in her palace and her cat now transformed into a prince started crying ..
She asked what happened ?
Cat : I guess you forgot the time you had me neutered !!

A guy knocks on an old ladies door

He says excuse me, I think I've killed your cat I just ran over it in the street but I'd like to offer to replace it. She looks at him and says how good are you at catching mice?

A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.

She says, "I want to be young again."
\*p**...\*
She's young again.
"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."
\*p**...\*
She's now living in a beautiful mansion.
"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"
\*p**...\*
Her cat is now a handsome young man.
"Oh cat, all my fantasies have come true! Take me in your arms, take me upstairs and make mad, passionate love to me!"
The cat says, "Oh darlin', you should've thought about that a long time ago, before you had me fixed."