Following is our collection of funny Cat jokes. There are some cat bandsaw jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these cat schrodinger puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
The vet said, I have good news and bad news.
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.
"My cat is very fat, she says.
"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."
The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.
Finally, she turns to the girl and says, I'm very sorry. I'm going to have to put your cat down."
"Oh no! Because he's so fat?"
"Yes, says the doctor. My arms are very tired."
The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."
So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.
The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"
Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."
The cop is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"
Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"
Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a
car...
... And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schroedinger.
The cop moves to arrest them.
Ohm resists.
I miss snowballs, she was a good cat.
They got really upset and started to cry.
Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway..
Me: What seems to be the problem
Cat: Meow
Me: Yes, but where?
The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."
You can explore cat kitten reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean cat meowt dad jokes. There are also cat puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.
I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
My life is a mess, he says. My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I'm as jittery as a cat.
Why don't you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the Labrador.
* I can't. I'm not allowed on the couch. *
He's wanted dead and alive
In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German Shepherd said, I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.
Good! said God. Sit at my right side. Then God asked, Doberman, what do you believe in?
The Doberman answered, I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.
Aha, said God, you may sit on my left.
Then God looked at the cat and asked, And what do you believe in?
I believe, replied the cat, that you are sitting in my seat.
A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.
The officer says, "This is the best résumé I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."
Guy replies "Why the cat?"
Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"
His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."
and asks the librarian at the info desk if they have any books on Pavlov's dog or Schrodinger's cat. The librarian thinks for a moment before replying "It rings a bell but I'm not sure whether it's there or not."
A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat have died.
All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.
The German shepherd says: "I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master."
Good," says God. "Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you believe in?
The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master."
Ah," said God. "You may sit to my left."
Then he looks at the cat and asks, "And what do you believe in?"
The cat answers: "I believe you're sitting on my seat."
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied "You're having soup, a\*\*hole. I was talking to the cat."
Now he's got 16 lives.
The nurse comes in and says
"Sir,, I have good news and bad news."
and not
Unfortunately, Curiosity killed the cat.
They loved that cat.
A Cat-Has-Trophey!
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
So I took a trip to the library to see if they
had a copy.
The librarian said that my description rang a
bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
I can raise my cat any way I want.
NASA sincerely apologizes...
At least thats what the cat told me.
I miss onions. She was a really nice cat.
Because if its K10, it'll be a cat
The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."
Apparently "No it's just you" wasn't the right answer.
Because he's orange and Nothing rhymes with orange.
Normally we have turkey, but ok...
I did it but it broke my heart.
I quite liked her dad…
...and is fined $50 for littering.
A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
If found, please return him, dead and alive.
Thanks,
Sincerely,
Erwin Shrodinger.
After a few children come to the front with predictable statements about having a cat or a certain toy, a child steps up and says
"I is-" and is immediately interrupted by the teacher,
"I *am*!"
She side-eyes the teacher, frowns and ignores her teacher, starting again
"I is-" again, the teacher interrupts her, this time a little more snappily
"It's I *am*! Use the proper word!"
The girl turns to look at her this time, eyelids drooped with exasperation.
"Fine," she sighs "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Raaaaaaaare.
I know I know. Dad joke but I'm desperate for some love since it's my birthday.
Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"
Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."
Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"
Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."
Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"
Blond - "Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."
Credit goes to my mother for this one.
Your dog would offer you his kidney even if he only had one that worked.
Your cat would show up one morning with 37 kidneys in a sack and tell you to pick one.
After a few hours the pope turns to the atheist and says "You are like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking for a black cat that isn't there."
"Well" replies the atheist "we are not so dissimilar then. As you are also like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking for a black cat that isn't there but the only difference is you say you have found it."
Bartender: "What can I get you?"
Cat: "Shot of tequilla."
*Bartender pours it.*
*Cat slowly pushes it off the bar.*
Cat: "I'll have another."
…let my cat do the rest.
The teacher asks little Johnny, "If I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny thinks about it for a few seconds and says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "No, let's try again. Listen carefully. I give you two, Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more."
Johnny spends a few minutes thinking it out, and again says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "Let's try it another way. If I put two apples on your desk, then two more, and then two more, how many apples would you have?"
Johnny says, "Six."
The teacher says, "Good, now if I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny again says, "Seven."
The teacher, obviously frustrated, yells at Johnny, "Why do you keep saying seven?!"
Johnny says, "Because... I've already got a cat!"
I don't really enjoy the product
But I love playing with the box it came out of.
One day little Timmy is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked.
Timmy replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
Timmy shot back, "That's because he's inside your fuckin' cat!!!"
an English cat named "123" and a French cat named "Un deux trois." Which cat won the race?
A: The English cat. Un deux trois cat sank.
The farmer notices them and he grabs his shotgun. They run and hide in the barn, each in one sack. The farmer arrives at the barn, and notices the 3 sacks.
He kicks one. From the sack, a sound comes out: Meow!
"Must be a cat." He moves on.
Kicks the second sack: Woof! Woof!!
"Must be a dog." He moves on.
He kicks the third sack: The sack says: "Potatoes!"
but what I want to know is how the cat got to Mars in the first place
A strong reprimand from the ethics committee and immediate recission of all funding.
..I spent entire day listening to Celine Dion records.
.
.
Or that's what I thought until I realised my cat had fallen in to the dryer.
The boy obeyed. The boy returned home and reported to his mom.
Son: Mom! I led the cat far into the jungle. I even got lost!!
Mother: How were you able to come back home?
Son: I followed the cat.
They both have nein lives.
She said it rang a bell but she didn't know if it was there or not
The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder.
She now have 45 lives.
At least I still have the cat for comfort.
Curiosity killed the cat.
The second cat because un deux trois cat sank.
That's the third time I've had to rename my cat
My daughter came up to me and said "daddy when my cat died why were its legs in the air?" I replied "well that's so Jesus can grab it to take it to heaven." "That means mummy nearly died this morning!" She said, I asked "how?"
"well when I looked in her bedroom she was screaming "Jesus I'm coming!" And if it wasn't for the postman holding her down he would have got her."
Half a cat.
Little Jimmy said, because I already have a cat!
A cat.
Cats love fish.
A French cat called Un Deux Trois attempted to swim the English Channel last weekend but sadly didn't make it and drowned. It was all over the news the next day; "Un Duex Trois Cat Sank"
I said to her, "I thought your cat died last week, Becky?"
"It did," she replied, "That's why I'm missing him."
She says, "It rings a bell but I can't be certain."
The first cats name is one-two-three and the second cats name is un-deux-trois, both cats try to cross the river, which cat got across first?
The one-two-three cat, because the un-deux-trois cat sank
He looks down at the cat and snarls Egh, what is it now, in or out?!
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davy, what noise does a cow make? "
"It goes moo. "
"Alice, what noise does a cat make? "
"It goes meow. "
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make? "
"It goes baaa. "
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make? "
"Errr.., it goes.. click! "
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the cat paws jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working cat purrfect piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.