cat Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious cat puns

Schrodinger took his cat to the vet.

The vet said, I have good news and bad news.

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A cat walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."

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When I was five, my Dad put Snowballs in the blender to make a slushie...

I miss snowballs, she was a good cat.

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My kids were hungry so I made them burgers from scratch.

They got really upset and started to cry.

Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway..

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I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat

The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."

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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

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I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

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Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree

He's wanted dead and alive

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They found a cat on mars...

A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.

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A man applies for a job with the local police.

The officer says, "This is the best rΓ©sumΓ© I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."

Guy replies "Why the cat?"

Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"

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A sadist, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac, a zoophiliac, and a masochist are sitting in a jail cell together.

The zoophiliac says, I want to have sex with a cat.

The sadist says, I want to torture the cat, then have sex with it.

The pyromaniac says, I want to torture the cat, set it on fire, then have sex with it.

The necrophiliac says, Well I want to torture the cat, set it on fire, have sex with it, kill it, and have sex with it again.

The masochist says, Meow.

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A man walks into a library

and asks the librarian at the info desk if they have any books on Pavlov's dog or Schrodinger's cat. The librarian thinks for a moment before replying "It rings a bell but I'm not sure whether it's there or not."

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What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has its claws at the end of its paws, and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

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I just gave my cat some 7UP.

Now he's got 16 lives.

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A code tester walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders ten beers. Orders 2.15 billion beers. Orders -1 beers. Orders a nothing. Orders a cat. Tries to leave without paying.

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A man rushes into a bar and orders a double brandy.

While the barman is pouring, the man extends his hand at knee height and asks: Do penguins grow this big?

I should think so, the barman replies.

The man raises his hand. How about this big?

Well, perhaps a king penguin, but I'm not sure . . .

The man holds his hand at shoulder level: This big?

Not a cat in hell's chance.

The man knocks back his drink in one. Hell. I just ran over a nun.

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How do you find out the gender of a cat?

Easy. You kick it in the ass.

If she runs away, it's a girl. But if he runs away, it's a boy.

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News has just come in that The Mars Rover has discovered a member of the feline species while exploring.

Unfortunately, Curiosity killed the cat.

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Schrodinger is waiting in a veterinary hospital for news on his cat...

The nurse comes in and says

"Sir,, I have good news and bad news."

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My kids cried when I told them I had put ginger in the curry.

They loved that cat.

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I'm in a band called Missing Cat.

You've probably seen our posters.

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*A joke my son told me* - What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show?

A Cat-Has-Trophey!

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A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat...

A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her student. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?!?!" the teacher yelled in shock. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

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Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?

They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.

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93% of dog owners say their dog has made them a better person in at least one way, a study found

This same study found that 99% of cat owners say they feel their cat has told them to fuck off, at least once, this week

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Im in a band called "Missing Cat"

You've probably seen our posters...

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So, SchrΓΆdinger walks into a vet with his cat. The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."

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This hating of people that breastfeed in public really has to stop.

I can raise my cat any way I want.

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Curiosity killed the cat...

NASA sincerely apologizes...

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My wife is leaving me because of my mental illness.

At least thats what the cat told me.

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When I was 5 I cried when I saw my mom cut up onions in the kitchen

I miss onions. She was a really nice cat.

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A guy asked an officer why is a dog called a K9?

Because if its K10, it'll be a cat

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A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat.

The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."

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A zoophile, a necrophile, a sadist, a masochist, and a pyromaniac....

are all waiting at the bus stop for the bus to take them to the mental institution.

The zoophile says: "I'm bored. Let's fuck a cat!"

The sadist says: "Let's fuck a cat, then kill it!"

The necrophile says: "Let's fuck a cat, kill it, and then fuck it again!"

The pyromaniac says: "Let's fuck a cat, kill it, fuck it again, and then set it on fire!"

The masochist says: "Meow!"

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My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river…

I did it but it broke my heart.

I quite liked her dad…

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What are the most funny Cat jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Cat? Well, here are the best Cat dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Cat pick up lines to share with friends.

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