Hilarious Cat Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
Schrodinger took his cat to the vet.
The vet said, I have good news and bad news.
How to determine the gender of your cat ?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Speaking of a big fat b**...!
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.
"My cat is very fat, she says.
"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."
The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.
Finally, she turns to the girl and says, I'm very sorry. I'm going to have to put your cat down."
"Oh no! Because he's so fat?"
"Yes, says the doctor. My arms are very tired."
A cat walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of r**...."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."
I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross county adventure…
So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.
The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.
She says, "I want to be young again."
\*p**...\*
She's young again.
"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."
\*p**...\*
She's now living in a beautiful mansion.
"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"
\*p**...\*
Her cat is now a handsome young man.
"Oh cat, all my fantasies have come true! Take me in your arms, take me upstairs and make mad, passionate love to me!"
The cat says, "Oh darlin', you should've thought about that a long time ago, before you had me fixed."
A German shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died.
In heaven they faced God,who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German shepherd said "i believe in discipline, loyalty and training to my master".
"Good" said God. "You may sit on my right side".
The Doberman said "I believe in love,care and protection of my master".
"Aha,you may sit on my left" said God.
Then God looked at the cat and said" and what do you believe in"?
The cat replied " I believe you are sitting in my seat".
Heisenberg and Schroedinger are driving together, but they get stopped by a police officer.
The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"
Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."
The cop is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"
Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"
Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car...
Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a
car...
... And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, a**...!" shouts Schroedinger.
The cop moves to arrest them.
Ohm resists.
A dog and a cat were having an argument on who is the favorite of humans
The dog says, Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.
The cat smiles and says, You're not really going to win this one you know.
When I was five, my Dad put Snowballs in the blender to make a slushie...
I miss snowballs, she was a good cat.
You can explore cat kitten reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean cat meowt dad jokes. There are also cat puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
My kids were hungry so I made them burgers from scratch.
They got really upset and started to cry.
Scratch is a s**... name for a cat anyway..
I recently heard about a young adult novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross country adventure…
So, I headed down to the library with my daughter to see if they had a copy.
The librarian said the description rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not..
A man walks into a library, goes to the librarian, and says "I'm looking for a book called 'Pavlov's Dog and Schrödinger's Cat".
The librarian says "That rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's there or not".
First day as a vet
Me: What seems to be the problem
Cat: Meow
Me: Yes, but where?
I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat
The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"
Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat.
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.
I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend.
My life is a mess, he says. My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I'm as jittery as a cat.
Why don't you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the Labrador.
* I can't. I'm not allowed on the couch. *
Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree
He's wanted dead and alive
A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.
In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German Shepherd said, I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.
Good! said God. Sit at my right side. Then God asked, Doberman, what do you believe in?
The Doberman answered, I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.
Aha, said God, you may sit on my left.
Then God looked at the cat and asked, And what do you believe in?
I believe, replied the cat, that you are sitting in my seat.
They found a cat on mars...
A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.
A man applies for a job with the local police.
The officer says, "This is the best résumé I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."
Guy replies "Why the cat?"
Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"
My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.
His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."
A man walks into a library
and asks the librarian at the info desk if they have any books on Pavlov's dog or Schrodinger's cat. The librarian thinks for a moment before replying "It rings a bell but I'm not sure whether it's there or not."
A German Shepherd, Doberman And Cat Have Died And Gone To Heaven
A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat have died.
All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.
The German shepherd says: "I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master."
Good," says God. "Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you believe in?
The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master."
Ah," said God. "You may sit to my left."
Then he looks at the cat and asks, "And what do you believe in?"
The cat answers: "I believe you're sitting on my seat."
When Love Fades......
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied "You're having soup, a\*\*hole. I was talking to the cat."
I just gave my cat some 7UP.
Now he's got 16 lives.
A code tester walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders ten beers. Orders 2.15 billion beers. Orders -1 beers. Orders a nothing. Orders a cat. Tries to leave without paying.
Swimming Cats
An English cat named OneTwoThree and a French cat named UnDeuxTrois decided to swim across the lake, but only one cat survived the journey. Which cat made it?
OneTwoThree, because UnDeuxTrois cat sank
Schrodinger is waiting in a veterinary hospital for news on his cat...
The nurse comes in and says
"Sir,, I have good news and bad news."
I identify as Schrodinger's cat
My pronouns are is/isn't.
Schrodinger's cat was meant to prove how dumb quantum states are, yet it's widely used to advocate and explain it. I bet he's rolling in his grave...
and not
News has just come in that The Mars Rover has discovered a member of the feline species while exploring.
Unfortunately, Curiosity killed the cat.
My kids cried when I told them I had put ginger in the curry.
They loved that cat.
*A joke my son told me* - What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show?
A Cat-Has-Trophey!
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
So, Schrödinger walks into a vet with his cat. The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."
I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross county adventure...
So I took a trip to the library to see if they
had a copy.
The librarian said that my description rang a
bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
This hating of people that breastfeed in public really has to stop.
I can raise my cat any way I want.
I was out on a first date and the lady asked me if I was more of a cat person or a dog person.
I said "I'm a vegetarian."
Curiosity killed the cat...
NASA sincerely apologizes...
My wife is leaving me because of my mental illness.
At least thats what the cat told me.
When I was 5 I cried when I saw my mom cut up onions in the kitchen
I miss onions. She was a really nice cat.
A guy asked an officer why is a dog called a K9?
Because if its K10, it'll be a cat
A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat.
The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."
My cat is very fat
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet. "My cat is very fat, she says. "Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him." The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears. Finally, she turns to the girl and says, I'm very sorry. I'm going to have to put your cat down." "Oh no! Because he's so fat?" "Yes, says the doctor. My arms are very tired."
My wife asked me "Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?"
Apparently "No it's just you" wasn't the right answer.
I just got a new cat. I named him Nothing.
Because he's orange and Nothing rhymes with orange.
Kids said they wanted a cat for Christmas.
Normally we have turkey, but ok...
My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river…
I did it but it broke my heart.
I quite liked her dad…
A cat gives birth in a public park...
...and is fined $50 for littering.
A blonde was visiting the zoo and reached the big cat exhibit.
"I wonder what these tigers would say if they could talk," she said to the man next to her.
He replied, "I'm pretty sure they'd say 'We are leopards.'".
What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
I lost my cat
If found, please return him, dead and alive.
Thanks,
Sincerely,
Erwin Shrodinger.
Teacher asks their class of children to come up with a sentence beginning with "I"
After a few children come to the front with predictable statements about having a cat or a certain toy, a child steps up and says
"I is-" and is immediately interrupted by the teacher,
"I *am*!"
She side-eyes the teacher, frowns and ignores her teacher, starting again
"I is-" again, the teacher interrupts her, this time a little more snappily
"It's I *am*! Use the proper word!"
The girl turns to look at her this time, eyelids drooped with exasperation.
"Fine," she sighs "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
an English cat, called one, two, three, and a French cat called un, deux, t**... had a race across the English channel. which cat won?
The English cat, because the Un, Deux, t**... cat sank.
How does a cat like its steak cooked...
Raaaaaaaare.
I know I know. Dad joke but I'm desperate for some love since it's my birthday.
A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.
Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"
Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."
Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"
Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."
Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"
Blond - "Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."
Credit goes to my mother for this one.
The elementary class was learning about addition...
The teacher asks little Johnny, "If I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny thinks about it for a few seconds and says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "No, let's try again. Listen carefully. I give you two, Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more."
Johnny spends a few minutes thinking it out, and again says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "Let's try it another way. If I put two apples on your desk, then two more, and then two more, how many apples would you have?"
Johnny says, "Six."
The teacher says, "Good, now if I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny again says, "Seven."
The teacher, obviously frustrated, yells at Johnny, "Why do you keep saying seven?!"
Johnny says, "Because... I've already got a cat!"
If animal organs were compatible with humans...
Your dog would offer you his kidney even if he only had one that worked.
Your cat would show up one morning with 37 kidneys in a sack and tell you to pick one.
The Pope and an atheist are having an argument
After a few hours the pope turns to the atheist and says "You are like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking for a black cat that isn't there."
"Well" replies the atheist "we are not so dissimilar then. As you are also like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking for a black cat that isn't there but the only difference is you say you have found it."
When cats are sad...
Bartender: "What can I get you?"
Cat: "Shot of tequilla."
*Bartender pours it.*
*Cat slowly pushes it off the bar.*
Cat: "I'll have another."
As the burglar entered our darkened room, I put the red dot right between his eyes and then…
…let my cat do the rest.
I'm like a cat when it comes to kids
I don't really enjoy the product
But I love playing with the box it came out of.
Bury the dead!
One day little Timmy is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked.
Timmy replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
Timmy shot back, "That's because he's inside your f**...' cat!!!"
2 cats are racing across the English Channel,
an English cat named "123" and a French cat named "Un deux t**...." Which cat won the race?
A: The English cat. Un deux t**... cat sank.
Three boys are hanging around a farm trying to get a glimpse of the farmer's daughter showering.
The farmer notices them and he grabs his shotgun. They run and hide in the barn, each in one sack. The farmer arrives at the barn, and notices the 3 sacks.
He kicks one. From the sack, a sound comes out: Meow!
"Must be a cat." He moves on.
Kicks the second sack: Woof! Woof!!
"Must be a dog." He moves on.
He kicks the third sack: The sack says: "Potatoes!"
They say curiosity killed the cat,
but what I want to know is how the cat got to Mars in the first place
What do you get when you cross a cat and an octopus?
A strong reprimand from the ethics committee and immediate recission of all funding.
Yesterday, I got so depressed..
..I spent entire day listening to Celine Dion records.
.
.
Or that's what I thought until I realised my cat had fallen in to the dryer.
A mother asked her son to lose their cat somewhere in the jungle.
The boy obeyed. The boy returned home and reported to his mom.
Son: Mom! I led the cat far into the jungle. I even got lost!!
Mother: How were you able to come back home?
Son: I followed the cat.
What's the similarity between a dead h**... and a cat?
They both have nein lives.
I asked a librarian for a book on Schrodinger's Cat and Pavlov's dog
She said it rang a bell but she didn't know if it was there or not
Cat with mental disorder
The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder.
She now have 45 lives.
What did Robocop say to Schrödinger's Cat?
Dead or Alive, you're coming with me.
I found a stray cat today. Sadly, my dad is allergic to them so I had to put him down.
At least I still have the cat for comfort.
Why was Mars overrun with mice?
Curiosity killed the cat.
Two cats cross a river... first cats name is un deux t**.... The second cats name is one two three. Which cat made it across?
The second cat because un deux t**... cat sank.
My daughter came up to me and said
My daughter came up to me and said "daddy when my cat died why were its legs in the air?" I replied "well that's so Jesus can grab it to take it to heaven." "That means mummy nearly died this morning!" She said, I asked "how?"
"well when I looked in her bedroom she was screaming "Jesus I'm coming!" And if it wasn't for the postman holding her down he would have got her."
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename my cat
