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Cat Jokes

180 cat jokes and hilarious cat puns to laugh out loud. Read animal jokes about cat that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for some fur-tastic laughs? Check out this collection of hilarious cat jokes! These meow-tastic puns and one-liners will have you rolling on the floor like a ball of yarn. Perfect for pet-lovers and anyone who wants to add a bit of kitten-magic to their day!

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Funniest Cat Short Jokes

Short cat jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cat humour may include short meow jokes also.

  1. How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed? (Joke from my 10 yr old) You order it from the Cat-alogue
  2. Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians. Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.
  3. How to determine the gender of your cat ? pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
  4. When I was five, my Dad put Snowballs in the blender to make a slushie... I miss snowballs, she was a good cat.
  5. I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."
  6. The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
  7. I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
  8. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.
    I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
  9. A code tester walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders ten beers. Orders 2.15 billion beers. Orders -1 beers. Orders a nothing. Orders a cat. Tries to leave without paying.
  10. 5 year old daughters first independent joke: What is a cats favourite colour? Purrrrrr-ple
    High fives all round!

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Cat One Liners

Which cat one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cat? I can suggest the ones about kitten and paws.

  1. Schrodinger took his cat to the vet. The vet said, I have good news and bad news.
  2. I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat' You've probably seen our posters.
  3. Why are there no cats on Mars? Curiosity.
  4. If the earth really is flat Wouldn't cats have pushed everything off the edge by now?
  5. First day as a vet Me: What seems to be the problem
    Cat: Meow
    Me: Yes, but where?
  6. Why don't cats play poker in the forest? Because there are too many cheetahs
  7. Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree He's wanted dead and alive
  8. I just gave my cat some 7UP. Now he's got 16 lives.
  9. I identify as Schrodinger's cat My pronouns are is/isn't.
  10. My kids cried when I told them I had put ginger in the curry. They loved that cat.
  11. I think my cats are communists They expect free food and keep talking about Mao.
  12. Why don't cats make good burglars? They can't get past the laser defenses
  13. If dogs have masters, what do cats have? Staff.
  14. Curiosity killed the cat... NASA sincerely apologizes...
  15. My wife is leaving me because of my mental illness. At least thats what the cat told me.

Dog And Cat Jokes

Here is a list of funny dog and cat jokes and even better dog and cat puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • "A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat." "The librarian says, 'It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not!'"
  • *A joke my son told me* - What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show? A Cat-Has-Trophey!
  • Did you know they tested the mars rover against animal attacks? They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
  • I was out on a first date and the lady asked me if I was more of a cat person or a dog person. I said "I'm a vegetarian."
  • A guy asked an officer why is a dog called a K9? Because if its K10, it'll be a cat
  • A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat. The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."
  • What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxi.
  • My date asked if I prefer cats or dogs. I replied, "I don't even see them on the menu. What page are you on?"
  • I asked a librarian for a book on Schrodinger's Cat and Pavlov's dog She said it rang a bell but she didn't know if it was there or not
  • A guy asks a librarian if she has a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat She says, "It rings a bell but I can't be certain."

Cat Dog Jokes

Here is a list of funny cat dog jokes and even better cat dog puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A woman walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat?" The librarian replies, "It rings a bell, but I don't know if it's here or not."
  • Why do cats make better medical technicians than dogs? Because dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan.
  • What's smarter than a dog, but dumber than a cat? Their owner.
  • Dogs are getting stressed and confused because they've noticed their owners are now wearing masks Cats are unaffected though as they're yet to notice their owners at all
  • Dogs can't read MRI's... ...but cats can.
  • It's raining cats and dogs outside. Know how I can tell? I stepped in a poodle.
  • So I ask my local librarian... If she had books on Pavlovs dog and Schrodingers cat. She said they rang a bell but dont know if they are there or not.
  • I went to the public library yesterday looking for that one book about Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's cat. The librarian said it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
  • When I was little, my parents got me a Dog and a Cat for my birthday. The next day we named the Dog curiosity.
  • How do you know it's raining cats and dogs? When you walk outside and step in a poodle.

Cat And Dog Jokes

Here is a list of funny cat and dog jokes and even better cat and dog puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How cats and dogs think Dog: These people feed me, pet me, love me, they must be God.
    Cat: These people feed me, pet me, love me, I must be a God.
  • Why must you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs? You might step in a poodle.
  • What's the wrong way to feed the cat? to the dog.
  • The vet said she will put the dog down. "But why?!" exclaimed the owner.
    "Because he's heavy." explained the dogtor.
    -taken from a cat calendar.
  • What happens when it's raining cats and dogs? You have to look out for poodles.
  • What did they name the Chinese remake of "Cloudy with a Chance of meatballs"? It's Raining Cats and Dogs
  • My date asked if I'm a cat guy or a dog guy. I said It depends how it's prepared.
  • Man it was really raining cats and dogs today. Sure hope I don't step in a poodle.
  • When I was younger, I owned a dog named curiosity. I also owned a cat but, you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
  • Talking to cats This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.
    I came into my house and told my dog... we laughed a lot.

Cat Day Jokes

Here is a list of funny cat day jokes and even better cat day puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Yesterday, I got so depressed.. ..I spent entire day listening to Celine Dion records.
    .
    .
    Or that's what I thought until I realised my cat had fallen in to the dryer.
  • I gave my cat a bath the other day... he liked it, but the fur stuck to my tongue.
  • Give a cat a box and he'll be happy for a day Teach a cat to box and start wondering what you're doing with your life
  • There once was a cat that had 16 lives... one day he got run over by a 4x4...and he died.
  • If you have a cat and seem to be having allergy issues simply wash your cat three times a day And it will leave
  • The other day, a wizard offered to turn me into a cat. The suggestion gave me pause.
  • I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume. One day I asked him why.
    He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
  • On hot summer days, what do cats eat? A mice-cream cone!
  • The other day I unexpectedly bought a cat. It was an impulse purrchase.
  • Before our marriage when my wife told me that she's a cat person, I should have realized that... ..... for the rest of my life she's gonna sit on the other side of the bed & ignore me all day.

Hilarious Cat Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter

What funny jokes about cat you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean kitty jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cat pranks.

Speaking of a big fat b**...!

A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.
"My cat is very fat, she says.
"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."
The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.
Finally, she turns to the girl and says, I'm very sorry. I'm going to have to put your cat down."
"Oh no! Because he's so fat?"
"Yes, says the doctor. My arms are very tired."

A cat walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of r**...."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross county adventure…

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.
The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.

She says, "I want to be young again."
\*p**...\*
She's young again.
"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."
\*p**...\*
She's now living in a beautiful mansion.
"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"
\*p**...\*
Her cat is now a handsome young man.
"Oh cat, all my fantasies have come true! Take me in your arms, take me upstairs and make mad, passionate love to me!"
The cat says, "Oh darlin', you should've thought about that a long time ago, before you had me fixed."

A cat owner invited their neighbor over for dinner and introduced their four cats. "That's Alogue, Aract, Erpillar, and Astrophe," they announced. The neighbor was surprised and asked, Where on Earth did you get those names?

Oh, those are their last names, the owner said. Their first names are Cat.

A German shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died.

In heaven they faced God,who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German shepherd said "i believe in discipline, loyalty and training to my master".
"Good" said God. "You may sit on my right side".
The Doberman said "I believe in love,care and protection of my master".
"Aha,you may sit on my left" said God.
Then God looked at the cat and said" and what do you believe in"?
The cat replied " I believe you are sitting in my seat".

Heisenberg and Schroedinger are driving together, but they get stopped by a police officer.

The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"
Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."
The cop is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"
Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"

Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car...

Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a
car...
... And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, a**...!" shouts Schroedinger.
The cop moves to arrest them.
Ohm resists.

A dog and a cat were having an argument on who is the favorite of humans

The dog says, Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.
The cat smiles and says, You're not really going to win this one you know.

My kids were hungry so I made them burgers from scratch.

They got really upset and started to cry.
Scratch is a s**... name for a cat anyway..

I recently heard about a young adult novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross country adventure…

So, I headed down to the library with my daughter to see if they had a copy.
The librarian said the description rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not..

A man walks into a library, goes to the librarian, and says "I'm looking for a book called 'Pavlov's Dog and Schrödinger's Cat".

The librarian says "That rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's there or not".

A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend.

My life is a mess, he says. My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I'm as jittery as a cat.
Why don't you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the Labrador.
* I can't. I'm not allowed on the couch. *

A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.

In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German Shepherd said, I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.
Good! said God. Sit at my right side. Then God asked, Doberman, what do you believe in?
The Doberman answered, I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.
Aha, said God, you may sit on my left.
Then God looked at the cat and asked, And what do you believe in?
I believe, replied the cat, that you are sitting in my seat.

They found a cat on mars...

A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.

A man applies for a job with the local police.

The officer says, "This is the best résumé I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."
Guy replies "Why the cat?"
Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"

My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.

His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."

A man walks into a library

and asks the librarian at the info desk if they have any books on Pavlov's dog or Schrodinger's cat. The librarian thinks for a moment before replying "It rings a bell but I'm not sure whether it's there or not."

A German Shepherd, Doberman And Cat Have Died And Gone To Heaven

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat have died.
All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.
The German shepherd says: "I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master."
Good," says God. "Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you believe in?
The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master."
Ah," said God. "You may sit to my left."
Then he looks at the cat and asks, "And what do you believe in?"
The cat answers: "I believe you're sitting on my seat."

When Love Fades......

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied "You're having soup, a\*\*hole. I was talking to the cat."

Swimming Cats

An English cat named OneTwoThree and a French cat named UnDeuxTrois decided to swim across the lake, but only one cat survived the journey. Which cat made it?
OneTwoThree, because UnDeuxTrois cat sank

Schrodinger is waiting in a veterinary hospital for news on his cat...

The nurse comes in and says
"Sir,, I have good news and bad news."

Schrodinger's cat was meant to prove how dumb quantum states are, yet it's widely used to advocate and explain it. I bet he's rolling in his grave...

and not

News has just come in that The Mars Rover has discovered a member of the feline species while exploring.

Unfortunately, Curiosity killed the cat.

So, Schrödinger walks into a vet with his cat. The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross county adventure...

So I took a trip to the library to see if they
had a copy.
The librarian said that my description rang a
bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

This hating of people that breastfeed in public really has to stop.

I can raise my cat any way I want.

When I was 5 I cried when I saw my mom cut up onions in the kitchen

I miss onions. She was a really nice cat.

My cat is very fat

A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet. "My cat is very fat, she says. "Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him." The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears. Finally, she turns to the girl and says, I'm very sorry. I'm going to have to put your cat down." "Oh no! Because he's so fat?" "Yes, says the doctor. My arms are very tired."

My wife asked me "Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?"

Apparently "No it's just you" wasn't the right answer.

I just got a new cat. I named him Nothing.

Because he's orange and Nothing rhymes with orange.

Kids said they wanted a cat for Christmas.

Normally we have turkey, but ok...

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river…

I did it but it broke my heart.
I quite liked her dad…

A cat gives birth in a public park...

...and is fined $50 for littering.

A blonde was visiting the zoo and reached the big cat exhibit.


"I wonder what these tigers would say if they could talk," she said to the man next to her.
He replied, "I'm pretty sure they'd say 'We are leopards.'".

What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?

A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

I lost my cat

If found, please return him, dead and alive.
Thanks,
Sincerely,
Erwin Shrodinger.

Teacher asks their class of children to come up with a sentence beginning with "I"

After a few children come to the front with predictable statements about having a cat or a certain toy, a child steps up and says
"I is-" and is immediately interrupted by the teacher,
"I *am*!"
She side-eyes the teacher, frowns and ignores her teacher, starting again
"I is-" again, the teacher interrupts her, this time a little more snappily
"It's I *am*! Use the proper word!"
The girl turns to look at her this time, eyelids drooped with exasperation.
"Fine," she sighs "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

an English cat, called one, two, three, and a French cat called un, deux, t**... had a race across the English channel. which cat won?

The English cat, because the Un, Deux, t**... cat sank.

How does a cat like its steak cooked...

Raaaaaaaare.
I know I know. Dad joke but I'm desperate for some love since it's my birthday.

I think my cat is a communist.

When I say "Who is a good boy!" He says "Mao".

A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.

Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"
Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."
Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"
Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."
Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"
Blond - "Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."
Credit goes to my mother for this one.

The elementary class was learning about addition...

The teacher asks little Johnny, "If I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny thinks about it for a few seconds and says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "No, let's try again. Listen carefully. I give you two, Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more."
Johnny spends a few minutes thinking it out, and again says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "Let's try it another way. If I put two apples on your desk, then two more, and then two more, how many apples would you have?"
Johnny says, "Six."
The teacher says, "Good, now if I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny again says, "Seven."
The teacher, obviously frustrated, yells at Johnny, "Why do you keep saying seven?!"
Johnny says, "Because... I've already got a cat!"

If animal organs were compatible with humans...

Your dog would offer you his kidney even if he only had one that worked.
Your cat would show up one morning with 37 kidneys in a sack and tell you to pick one.

The Pope and an atheist are having an argument

After a few hours the pope turns to the atheist and says "You are like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking for a black cat that isn't there."
"Well" replies the atheist "we are not so dissimilar then. As you are also like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking for a black cat that isn't there but the only difference is you say you have found it."

When cats are sad...

Bartender: "What can I get you?"
Cat: "Shot of tequilla."
*Bartender pours it.*
*Cat slowly pushes it off the bar.*
Cat: "I'll have another."

As the burglar entered our darkened room, I put the red dot right between his eyes and then…

…let my cat do the rest.

I'm like a cat when it comes to kids

I don't really enjoy the product
But I love playing with the box it came out of.

Bury the dead!

One day little Timmy is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked.
Timmy replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
Timmy shot back, "That's because he's inside your f**...' cat!!!"

2 cats are racing across the English Channel,

an English cat named "123" and a French cat named "Un deux t**...." Which cat won the race?
A: The English cat. Un deux t**... cat sank.

Three boys are hanging around a farm trying to get a glimpse of the farmer's daughter showering.

The farmer notices them and he grabs his shotgun. They run and hide in the barn, each in one sack. The farmer arrives at the barn, and notices the 3 sacks.
He kicks one. From the sack, a sound comes out: Meow!
"Must be a cat." He moves on.
Kicks the second sack: Woof! Woof!!
"Must be a dog." He moves on.
He kicks the third sack: The sack says: "Potatoes!"

They say curiosity killed the cat,

but what I want to know is how the cat got to Mars in the first place

What do you get when you cross a cat and an octopus?

A strong reprimand from the ethics committee and immediate recission of all funding.

A mother asked her son to lose their cat somewhere in the jungle.

The boy obeyed. The boy returned home and reported to his mom.
Son: Mom! I led the cat far into the jungle. I even got lost!!
Mother: How were you able to come back home?
Son: I followed the cat.

What's the similarity between a dead h**... and a cat?

They both have nein lives.

Cat with mental disorder

The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder.
She now have 45 lives.

What did Robocop say to Schrödinger's Cat?

Dead or Alive, you're coming with me.

I found a stray cat today. Sadly, my dad is allergic to them so I had to put him down.

At least I still have the cat for comfort.

Why was Mars overrun with mice?

Curiosity killed the cat.

jokes about cat