Cast Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers)

Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"

Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next Star Wars movie!

They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.

My boyfriend is getting me a dildo cast from his own penis for Valentine's day...

We're only doing small gifts this year.

What happens if you castrate a corn cob?

It becomes a eunuchcorn.

People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence.

I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.

Jesus saw a woman being stoned and rushed to protect her.

He shouted to the crowd, "Let he who is without sin cast the next stone."

A single stone smacked Jesus on the back of the head.

He turned around and yelled, "Fuck off, mother!"

I recently came out as pansexual.

But I'm only attracted to cast iron.

I've tried dating teflon, but it never sticks.

I guess it's true what they say:

"Once you go black, you never go back"

Did you know Avatar is a sequel to Titanic?

It picks up where Titanic left off, in the sense that half the cast is blue and dying.

Obligatory

Helium

Helium walks into a bar, where he sees Argon, Krypton, and Neon sitting at a table. They cast dirty looks in his direction. Neon stands up and shouts across the bar, "Get your ass out of here! You don't deserve to be a noble gas, and they won't serve your kind here!"

Helium does not react.

I gave my wife a vibrator moulded from a cast of my own penis for her to use whilst I'm away on business

and she's just sent me a text to say that she's tried it out and it was just like the real thing.
The batteries ran out before she reached orgasm.

Casting Dwayne Johnson in a movie is a bold decision...

Casting The Rock is a boulder decision.

I tried to rob a bank using jello cast in the shape of a gun

The police charged me with carrying a congealed weapon

What does a Mexican wizard use to cast magic?

A Juand

What's the difference between heroin and the cast of the jersey shore?

I wouldn't shoot heroin.

No problems

A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

The castle in Tallinn was destroyed yesterday

It was a huge loss

Election Day was the perfect day to go see Doctor Strange...

I got to experience a scary bizarro world were sanity was cast aside and the laws of nature were twisted to the breaking point, and I also went to a movie.

One last time

Three gay men are mourning the death of their common lover. They decide to split the ashes between then to be spread as they wished.

The first says "I'm going to cast his ashes into the ocean because some of the best times of my life were with him walking along the beach".

The second says "I'm going to take his ashes to our favorite camping spot where we hiked and watched countless sunsets together".

The third says "I'm going to sprinkle his ashes in a bowl of hot chili".

The first two looked puzzled and disgusted. "Why!?" They asked.

"So he can tear my asshole up one last time."

A man is condemned to death by stoning

A man is condemned to death by stoning. As the people gather around him and get ready to begin, Jesus emerges from the crowd and stands by the man. He says to the crowd, "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone."

The crowd is taken aback, and begins to disperse, when an old lady comes forward, picks up a large rock, and hurls it at the condemned. The crowd quickly joins in and the man dies.

When the dust settles, Jesus walks up to the old lady and says "You know, I'm getting real sick of your shit mom."

My girlfriend broke up with me so I started dating her twin sister

I'm not left handed but i'll have to make do until the doctor removes the cast

Castro joke I got from Cuban family members

Fidel Castro dies and because he thinks he is so great he goes to heaven. Once past the gates though, Saint Peter stops him and throws him out being the the watchful eye he is. In hell, the devil meets castro and gives him a warm welcome and tells his demons to get Castro's bags and bring them to his room. Castro however forgot them in heaven and the demons promptly go to retrieve the bags. They get to heaven but the gates have already shut and the demons have to start climbing the fence to get the bags. 2 Angels see this occurring and one remarks "Man, Castro isn't in hell for 5 minutes and we're already getting refugees"

The cast of the Matrix was having a barbeque

The seafood was fresh off the grill. Keanu Reeves tasted it and exclaimed "What is this! It's like charcoal!"

The cook turned and said "What if I told you...that's why they call me Laurence Fishburne"

^I'll ^see ^myself ^out

How to keep kids from acting up in class

A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

A man goes to see his priest.

Father, my life is terrible, I have so many problems.

The priest tells him that he needs an exorcism to cast the devil out of his life.

Can't do that father, I have 3 chidren with her.

Why do we tell all actors to 'break a leg'?

Because every play has a cast.

What do you need for a movie about broken bones?

An awesome cast

What do you get when you cast Michael J. Fox as Walter White?

Shaking Bad.

Did you guys hear about the C++ developer that wanted to become a famous actor?

He kept getting type cast.

A couple of hippies are sitting on a park bench...

...when a pair of nuns walks by, one of them on crutches and with most of her leg in a cast. The more outgoing of the two hippies asks, "Oh man! What happened? Are you okay?"

The hobbling nun responds, "Yes, my son. I slipped and fell in the bathtub and broke my tibia. The doctor says I'll have the cast off in two more weeks."

"Far out, man. Well, good luck and, uh, God bless?"

She replies, "Thank you, my child," and they continue on their way.

When they're out of earshot, the first hippie asks the other, "What's a bathtub?"

"How would I know, man? I'm not Catholic."

A man broke his hand.

He asked the doctor, "Will I be able to play piano as soon as the cast comes off?"

"Of course!" said the doctor.

The man replied, "Great. I never could before."

The cursed Prince. This summer's best love story.

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch.

The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year.

However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words (this was before the time of letter writing or sign language).

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love.
With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say, "my darling,"

But, at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But, at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So, he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds.

Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily,


"My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"


And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said,


"Pardon?"

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Pastor make a bet.

They say, "Whoever goes into the woods and converts the most dangerous animal, wins". So a week goes by and they all return. The Pastor comes back with a rattlesnake and says "He goes to church every week!". The priest comes back with cougar and says "His first he's getting confirmed next month!". The Rabbi comes back in a full body cast and says " You know, I probably shouldn't have tried to circumcise a bear."

Why was the fishing show so successful?

They had a great cast

A Joke for Mother's Day

An angry mob is getting prepared to stone a woman to death for allegedly committing adultery, when Jesus steps out and stands between the woman and the crowd. "Do not be so quick to judge the actions of others!" He proclaimed, "You all have had your moments of weakness. Let him who is without sin cast the first stone." Just as the crowd quited down and lowered their stones, a little old woman started hobbling her way down the aisle. When she eventually got down to the front, she cocked her arm back, and chucked a huge rock right at the chained woman's forehead. With the rest of the crowd pelting the woman with rocks and yelling, Jesus turns to the little old lady and says "You know, mom, sometimes you can be a real bitch."
Happy Mother's Day!

Someone asked me to sign their cast.

So I wrote, "Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice."

A former doctor broke his leg while auditioning for a play.

Fortunately, he could still make the cast.

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates

An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly
said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let
in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with
the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building
improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning,
flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a
pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a
sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've
got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and
there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with
next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an
engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down
there; send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the
staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things
are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or
I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU
going to get a lawyer?"

How do you castrate the pope?

Kick the altar boy in the chin.

I think me life is like the Truman Show.

I was tryin' ta figure out what type a genre show it be.

I thought, "It might be a drama," but me life isn't sad enough.

I thought, "It might be an action tale," but alas, 'tis too boring.

"Then, perhaps, it be a comedy," I thought, but me life isn't funny, so I cast that idea overboard.

"Well," I thought, "it might be British."

How do you castrate a redneck?

Kick his sister's jaw in.

I was ordering food for the cast of Black Panther. I asked if they liked pizza.

They said, It depends. Wakanda pizza?

Cast the first stone...

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

A New Movie - Stephen Spielberg

Stephen Speilberg has just recently decided to create a new action movie about the greatest composers on Earth. His creates his cast and asks them 'Who do you want to be' ...

Bruce Willis says to him 'I ll play Beethoven, i've always fancied myself as a bit of a genius'

Liam Neeson then pipes up saying 'Im going to be Mozart, i find his music very relaxing and very baroque'

Lastly Arnold Schwarzenegger says 'Ill be Bach'

Jesus, his Apostles and followers arrived in a town where the townspeople were about to stone some thieves...

... Jesus walked between the thieves and townspeople and said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a rock hit Jesus in the back of the head. He turned around and said "You know Ma, sometimes you really piss me off!"

A Former Sergeant In The Marine Corps Took A New Job As A High School Teacher

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence... the rest of the year went very smoothly :)

When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders...

When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders, do I punch the ballot with my sickle or my hammer?

In an old castle, a lady says to the guide...

"I've heard that this place is haunted. I'm so scared!"
The guide says: "I've been working here for 558 years and I've never seen any ghosts..."

It wasn't much fun breaking my neck and being in a cast..

But now I can look back and laugh.

A man breaks his foot and goes to the doctor...

The doctor put a cast on the foot and told the man to take it easy. The man asked the doctor, "Will I be able to play violin?"
Confused, the doctor replied, "Yes, you should be able to play the violin."

The man said, "Neat! I've never been able to play it before!"

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are on a fishing trip. They get out on the water and the Priest goes, "Oh darn, I forgot the picnic basket!" so he proceeds to step out of the boat and walk to shore, grabs the picnic basket and comes back out to the boat. The rabbi looks on in bewilderment.

The minister looks around as he's about to cast and realizes, "I forgot the tackle box!" He also proceeds to get out of the boat and walk to shore, grabs the tackle box and heads back to the boat. The rabbi is absolutely shocked at this point.

Finally, the rabbi turns to the priest and minister and says, "I forgot the bait." He steps out of the boat and splashes around in the water.

The priest turns to the minister and says, "You forgot to show him where the rocks are didn't you?"

What did the seal with a cast say to the shark?

Do not consume if seal is broken.

A prostitute is dragged, kicking and screaming, to Jesus, by a mob with stones..

The leader of the mob says, "Jesus, according to the law, this woman, as a prostitute, should be stoned to death. What say you?"

Jesus contemplates the questions, and says, "Whomever is without sin may cast the first stone."

The members of the mob are ashamed, and one by one, they drop their stones and leave.

Out of no where, a woman grabs one of the stones and hurls it at the prostitute, knocking her out.

Jesus turns to the woman and says, "Damn it mom, sometimes you really piss me off."

*credit to Isaac Asimov

Harrison Ford has broken his ankle.

There will now be a new Star Wars cast.

How do you castrate a hillbilly?

You kick his sister in the jaw

How do you castrate a priest?

Punch an altar boy in the back of the head

Women gained the right to vote 100 years ago to the day...

yet they still can't cast a vote on what they want for dinner

I auditioned for a TV show for people with broken bones.

I didn't make the cast.

Mary Magdalene is about to be stoned for adultry

Just as the crowd was about to start throwing rocks, Jesus walks up and says "let him who is without sin cast the first stone." Nobody moves, but then a stone comes flying out from the crowd and hits Mary right in the face. Jesus turns to see who threw the stone and says "I told you not to bother me when I'm working mother!"

BLACK SUPERMAN

I hope they cast a black Superman. It would nice for a brother to finally be faster than a speeding bullet.



Credits:Someones Tweet

What is a castrated male's favorite operating system?

Unix.

Disney has announced that all future Marvel movies will have an all male cast.

They are doing their part to combat the heroine epidemic.

There's no better time to add insult to injury...

...Than when you're signing a cast :)

If I die young, I want my girlfriend to cast my ashes headwind

Because she never let me come on her face before.

Hillary Clinton's New Book Is Already A Bestseller, And It Isn't Even Out Yet

Kinda like how she had won all those primaries before anyone got to cast a vote!

Why does Jesus always go first when the disciples go Curling?

Because they let he who is without sin cast the first stone!

How do you castrate a priest?

Kick the alter boy in the jaw

How were the cast of Friends able to escape a desert island on a homemade raft?

Because Lisa Kudrow.

I was going to castrate myself

But I didn't have the balls.

I went boating with cast of friends the other day...

None of them could use an oar, but Lisa Kudrow.

Sorry.

Jesus addresses the angry mob who are stoning a prostitute

Let him who is without sin cast the first stone. A stone flies through the air and hits the woman. Jesus turns around and says, Sometimes you really piss me off, Mother.

What spell does America cast every time they invade a country in the Middle East?

Expecto Petroleum

Topical Jokes (5/21)

Here we are, once again. It's time for some laugh-words.

First up, we've got some big movie news. "Transformers 4" is now updating its cast. To appeal more to the US box office, the evil Decepticons will be played by menacing vending machines that won't let go of your Doritos.

More movie news, the trailer for the new "X-Men" flick shows that Wolverine will potentially face grave injury. The harrowing injury comes about when our hero forgets to retract his claws before wiping.

This is a cool story, a US Airways flight safely made a belly landing at Newark Airport. The plane was evidently taken down by heavy turbulence originating from Governor Christie's farts at a nearby Long John Silver's.

TV news, ESPN has been forced to take major layoffs and budget cuts. You can tell things are getting cheap as now the only athletic event they now can afford to cover is Tiger Woods dodging heels thrown by his exes.

In the political sector, Vice President Biden recently ribbed the president for always using a teleprompter. However, nobody seemed to ridicule Biden when he read his recent speech on healthcare reform off the back of a Hooters napkin.

And finally, the new Xbox will utilize "the cloud" - so no matter where you are in the world, at any time, you can look up the fact that you lost a brave Call of Duty battle to a 13 year-old user named "GeneralFatPenis69".

Thanks for reading again, folks. I really appreciate it!

Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant,
and order the 'Chicken Surprise', The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around,
before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that ?' she asks her husband.
He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes,
looking around before it slams down..
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over,
explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.


'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order ?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'

'Ah ! So sorry,' says the waiter,
'I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake'

If you teach a man to cast a net.

He will be a hit at Spanish parties!

Jesus was with his disciples walking through Jerusalem when they came upon a crowd that was going to stone a woman to death for adultery. He jumped in front of the woman and said, Let the one without sin cast the first stone.

Suddenly, from out of the crowd, a rock flew toward the woman's head. It struck her square in the temple, killing her instantly.

Jesus, pissed off, said, Mother, I was trying to make a point!

What beer do the cast of Toy Story drink?

Buzz Light.

Atleast there was one way that the new Ghostbusters was true to the original...

It still had a black guy as one of the main cast.

Bought a DIY dildo set so I could cast my girlfriend a dildo from my own manhood.

She didn't like it... Takes 24 hours to harden

You ever have those days when real life feels like you were cast in a movie?

Sometimes I'm "Pedestrian #4" and other times I'm "Man on bike".

I can't believe they got some broad

church cast member to play The Doctor!

I cast a spell on a girl today and it actually worked!

I focused in on the girl and said "Virginus Protectus."

It worked because she walked away with a terrified look on her face.

Politics in Pakistan

You don't cast your vote.

You vote your caste.

Does anybody know the name of that Godzilla Movie?

It's the one where another monster actually breaks one of Godzilla's legs.

I can't remember the name of the movie, but it has a huge cast.

The die is cast

Hitler took a stroll in one of the concentration camps and he saw some Jews playing around with dice.
He came up to them saying : "if you roll a number from 1 to 5 you will die!
Jews : "And what if we roll a 6?"
Hitler smiled : "You get to roll the die again"

Why does Pennywise make such a horrible SQL database architect?

He tries to cast all the data to float.

Here in about 50 years, when Harry Potter is on its 5th reboot, this time with an all house elf cast, the author will be

J. K. Rowling over in her grave.

What are the funniest cast jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Cast? Well, here are the best Cast puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Cast pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes