cast Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious cast stories

What are the best Cast puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Cast? Well here is a complete list of Cast dad jokes:

If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

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Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next Star Wars movie!

They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.

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Helium

Helium walks into a bar, where he sees Argon, Krypton, and Neon sitting at a table. They cast dirty looks in his direction. Neon stands up and shouts across the bar, "Get your ass out of here! You don't deserve to be a noble gas, and they won't serve your kind here!"

Helium does not react.

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What does a Mexican wizard use to cast magic?

A Juand

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What's the difference between heroin and the cast of the jersey shore?

I wouldn't shoot heroin.

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A blonde, brunette, and a redhead...

all die and go to heaven. Before they are allowed in God appears to them and says, "As you can see there are 100 steps leading to heaven; at each step you will hear a different joke. If you laugh then you will not be allowed to enter." All three women agree to this and go forth. On the first step God tells them a joke and the red head laughs. "You are not allowed to enter heaven." God says and cast her down to hell. This goes on for a while and at the 32nd step the brunette laughs, she is cast down to hell as well. Again, this continues until the 99th step. God begins to tell the joke. He says two words and the blonde starts cracking up. God asks her, "Why did you laugh before I even finished?" She replies, "I just got the first joke..."

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The cast of the Matrix was having a barbeque

The seafood was fresh off the grill. Keanu Reeves tasted it and exclaimed "What is this! It's like charcoal!"

The cook turned and said "What if I told you...that's why they call me Laurence Fishburne"

^I'll ^see ^myself ^out

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What do you get when you cast Michael J. Fox as Walter White?

Shaking Bad.

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Did you guys hear about the C++ developer that wanted to become a famous actor?

He kept getting type cast.

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A couple of hippies are sitting on a park bench...

...when a pair of nuns walks by, one of them on crutches and with most of her leg in a cast. The more outgoing of the two hippies asks, "Oh man! What happened? Are you okay?"

The hobbling nun responds, "Yes, my son. I slipped and fell in the bathtub and broke my tibia. The doctor says I'll have the cast off in two more weeks."

"Far out, man. Well, good luck and, uh, God bless?"

She replies, "Thank you, my child," and they continue on their way.

When they're out of earshot, the first hippie asks the other, "What's a bathtub?"

"How would I know, man? I'm not Catholic."

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A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Pastor make a bet.

They say, "Whoever goes into the woods and converts the most dangerous animal, wins". So a week goes by and they all return. The Pastor comes back with a rattlesnake and says "He goes to church every week!". The priest comes back with cougar and says "His first he's getting confirmed next month!". The Rabbi comes back in a full body cast and says " You know, I probably shouldn't have tried to circumcise a bear."

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How do you castrate the pope?

Kick the altar boy in the chin.

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I think me life is like the Truman Show.

I was tryin' ta figure out what type a genre show it be.

I thought, "It might be a drama," but me life isn't sad enough.

I thought, "It might be an action tale," but alas, 'tis too boring.

"Then, perhaps, it be a comedy," I thought, but me life isn't funny, so I cast that idea overboard.

"Well," I thought, "it might be British."

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How do you castrate a redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

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A prostitute is dragged, kicking and screaming, to Jesus, by a mob with stones..

The leader of the mob says, "Jesus, according to the law, this woman, as a prostitute, should be stoned to death. What say you?"

Jesus contemplates the questions, and says, "Whomever is without sin may cast the first stone."

The members of the mob are ashamed, and one by one, they drop their stones and leave.

Out of no where, a woman grabs one of the stones and hurls it at the prostitute, knocking her out.

Jesus turns to the woman and says, "Damn it mom, sometimes you really piss me off."

*credit to Isaac Asimov

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Harrison Ford has broken his ankle.

There will now be a new Star Wars cast.

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What is a castrated male's favorite operating system?

Unix.

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Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant,
and order the 'Chicken Surprise', The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around,
before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that ?' she asks her husband.
He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes,
looking around before it slams down..
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over,
explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.


'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order ?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'

'Ah ! So sorry,' says the waiter,
'I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake'

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Politics in Pakistan

You don't cast your vote.

You vote your caste.

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Two filmmakers, Juan and Theotto, are talking over lunch…

…when Juan says to Theotto, "So, how's your work been lately?"

Theotto replies, "Eh, it's been pretty alright. I did get this rather--ahem--'interesting' screenplay recently."

Juan: "Yeah?"

Theotto: "Yeah. It was thick as a brick. It had this giant cast of characters, and there was practically no plot. Not to mention, about a third of it was blatant product placement. Can you believe it?"

Juan, rolling his eyes: "Sounds wonderful."

Theotto: "I know, right? Did I tell you he just left it on my doorstep? Didn't even try to contact me or anything."

Juan: "Dude, that's messed up."

Theotto: "Tell me about it. The worst part about it was the title, though."

Juan: "What was it?"

Theotto: "'The Telephone Directory'"

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Grandpa and his grandson go fishing

A grandson and his grandpa go fishing. The boy struggles putting his bait on the hook, so Grandpa takes it from him and does it himself. The boy, frustrated, asks,"Grandpa, why cant I bait my own hook?'' Grandpa replies, "Does your dick reach your asshole?" "No." "Then you can't do it." The boy gets his rod back, and tries casting into the water, and gets tangled in a tree. Once again, Grandpa takes the rod and does it himself. Boy says,"Grandpa, can I cast it out myself?" "No," replies Grandpa. "Why not?" "Does your dick reach your asshole?'' "No." "That's why." After the bait sits in the water for a minute, the boy feels a bite. As soon as he starts to reel it in, Grandpa takes the rod again. Boy asks "Grandpa, why can't I reel it in?" "Does your dick reach your asshole?" At this point the boy catches on, and says,"Yes, yes it does." Grandpa replies,"Then go fuck yourself, this one's mine."

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I expected a medal for my bravery when I had a full-leg cast on.

Instead, I got atrophy.

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George foreman sells a grill, what does the iron shiek sell?

Cast iron sheik skillets.

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An evil wizard..

There was an evil wizard who hated mathematics. One day he decided that he would end math once and for all, by capturing the 10 digits, and locking the away forever in his secret prison. So he cast his spell, and all the digits, from 0 to 9 were under his influence. He put them in his magic sack and rode off to the prison. When he reached the prison, he opened the sack. To his horror, there were not 10, but 9 digits there. After searching thoroughly he realized that...it was the 1 that got away.

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Did you hear about the new WinZip movie?

They had too many cast members causing extra acting issues.

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How do you castrate a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw

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The cursed Prince. This summer's best love story.

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch.

The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year.

However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words (this was before the time of letter writing or sign language).

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love.
With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say, "my darling,"

But, at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But, at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So, he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds.

Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily,


"My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"


And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said,


"Pardon?"

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How do you castrate an Amish man?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

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What's black and hard?

Cast iron.

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Gospel of Andrew: Jesus Appoints the 12 Disciples

Jesus summoned His twelve disciples and gave them authority over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal every kind of disease and every kind of sickness.
Now the names of the twelve apostles are these: The first, Simon, who is called Peter, and Andrew his brother; and James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother; Philip and Bartholomew; Thomas and Matthew the tax collector; James the son of Alphaeus, and Judas Thaddaeus, Simon the Zealot, and Judas Iscariot, the one who betrayed Him.

Now Simon, who is called Peter, came near to Jesus, and said to him, "My Lord, there are two named Judas! How ever shall we tell them apart?
And he replied, Oh these things usually work themselves out.

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So Micheal Jackson is directing a Lost/The Office crossover

Micheal Jackson is hired to direct a new crossover show featuring "Lost" and "The Office". It isn't long before there is complications in the cast delegations. None of the crew can decide who will play who's part from their respective shows. Eventually, Micheal Jackson is sick of all the bickering, and decides to unite the cast with the majesty of song and dance:

"It doesn't matter if you're Jack or Dwight..."

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Which Star Wars characters were cast for Hangover 3?

Puke Skywalker and Barf Vader.

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Kevin Spacey once agreed to do a low-budget movie with a badly-written two-dimensional character...

...on the condition that he be credited in the cast as "Kevin Planey."

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What if Hitler was cast for 'The Matrix' instead of Keanu Reeves?

The movie would have been pretty... Neo-Nazi.

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Saw this movie about Jewish people this afternoon..

It had a hollow cast.

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Who was the most popular cast member on The Facts of Life?

Prostitootie.

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I'm a gay actor, and I'm always cast in funny roles...

I just can't play the straight man.

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What's the difference between real life Friends and the cast of the show Friends?

The ability to binge watch Friends with your friends.

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What did the drunk Fisherman say to the Eunuch?

"Sorry, I can't cast straight."

........................................

I went fishing the other day, probably thought of before. It made me laugh.

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Fat guy joke

You'll get this if you've watched the tv show how i met your mother.

*A fat guy walks in a bar and sits next to a skinny guy who is also a bully*

Skinny guy turns to fat guy and says "You're fat."

Fat guy says: So what?

Skinny guy: Oh well I'm just glad you didn't play Marshall Eriksen on the tv show How I met your mother.

Fat guy: Why not?

Skinny guy: Well because when you come home to Lily and you tell her what you ate today the whole cast would fall asleep because of how long that list is.

*awkward silence*

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In line for The Dark Knight Rises

True Story: My friends and I were discussing the Aurora shooting when one said:

"Do you think maybe victims will get to meet the cast?"

Another replied:

"Well they'll get to meet Heath Ledger anyway".

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I went to the island where they filmed Cast Away recently...

I've always been interested in set tours and getting the real, genuine experience. So I was left there. Turns out balls do make great companions.

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They should have cast Daniel Craig in the 50 Shades of Gray movie

They could have named his character James Bondage

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No problems

A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

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How to keep kids from acting up in class

A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

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What did the Asian guy say to the people in line waiting to cast their votes?

"Happy Erection day!" -_-

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The cast of Star Wars has released a chart-topping country album.

Its called "Wookie for love in Alderaan places"

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A friend of mine walked into the theater to find all of her fellow cast unable to walk

"Oh my god, I can't believe you'd shatter all of the production's hips and femurs." She pauses, scared that I could do something drastic at any moment. "I mean, at least with all of your medical savvy you were able to put everyone in casts after you ruined their lives like this. How could you possibly take 'break a leg' so literally????"

I smile: "They don't call them **cast** members for nothing, mon amie."

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Basic Instinct Star Cast in "The Carpenters" Biopic

This summer:

SHARON
IS
KAREN

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The versatile gay actor wanted to be cast in both "A Christmas Carol" and "A Midsummer Nights Dream"

So he could be both a Bottom and a Topper.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best cast jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about cast. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty cast gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these cast jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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