Cash Jokes

Following is our collection of payment humor and bank one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Cash puns for adults, dirty repossess jokes or clean bill gags for kids.

There is an abundance of deposit jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 66 funniest jokes on cash. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any debit witze you can hear about cash.

The Best jokes about Cash

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

Cashier: Scans Condoms

Do you need a bag sir?

Me: Jesus, she's not that ugly

A dying grandma tells her grandchild....

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.

The look on his face was priceless.

Did Jesus pay for our sins with cash or credit?

He used praypal.


Two guys are walking down a dark alley

when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.

They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."

A drunk guy calls a radio station...

...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"

"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."

An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags

He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"

The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

Why are lesbians always low on cash?

Because they're constantly eating out!

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.

Cashiers have a thing for me.

They keep checking me out.


What's the easiest way to pay a musician?

Open the door, hand him the cash and take the pizza

What country does not accept cash or credit cards?

The Czech Republic

You ever go to pay cash, but the cashier has already handed you the card machine?

I'm like... "Did you just assume my tender?"

A bank robber gets hold of the cash he needs but before fleeing the scene he demands the regular customers to stand in a line

The bank robber ask the first guy in line: "did you see what happened here?"

First guy: "I sure did! And I'm gonna tell the police exactly what happened and what you look lik..."
The bank robber shoots him in the head and ask the next in line the same question.

Second guy: "I assure you I did not see a thing... but my wife here did"

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood...

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood when someone jumps out from behind a car, pulls out a pistol, and demands, "Give me your wallets, NOW!"

The guys, pretty much expecting this, sigh and pull out their wallets. One guy opens his wallet and shows the thief that he had no cash and no credit cards.

The other guy opens his and grabs a bill, handing it to his friend. "Oh, hey, here's the $20 I owe you."

A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out

Hands up, this is a robbery! He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.

One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; Hey, shouldn't you be robbing a blood bank?

The vampire turns to them and grins.
No, see, I'm cursed. He explains.

Cursed?

Yep, I can only feed on smartasses, and there's always at least one when I pull this stunt.

I got a free iPhoneX, $300 cash and a camera

Its like this gun has magic

Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.

It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.


The cashier at Costco dared to ask me why I'm buying a giant tub of whiteout.

Big mistake.

A snail walks into a car dealership...

A snail walks into a car dealership. The snail wants something fast, elegant, and luxurious, after browsing multiple brands he decides on one.

The rich snail pays in cash and walks up to the dealerships salesman and says "I want you to paint big S's all along this car, big S's on the front, the sides, the back, the top, big S's everywhere. The auto body guy tells him he can do it, but can't help but ask the snail why he wants big S's all over the car.

So the snail answers him "It's simple: When I launch past people on the highway they will say Look at that S car go!

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church.

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: "Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!" While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. A week later the two friends meet again in front of the same church, and one of them confides to the other: "I still wonder if that offer is serious." the other replies condescendingly: "Ah you Jews, all you think about is money!"

Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of Β£1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a Β£20 note.

She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."

I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"

She sarcastically said " of course it would help"

So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"

I said "Yes please!"

"How much?" She asked

I said "Β£18.97"

A man walks into a grocery store

After getting all his food he brings it to the cash register to ring it up. The cashier says "that'll be $49.95", The man hands him a $100 bill and the cashier asks "do you have anything smaller? We've been having a rash of counterfeit bills lately"; the man reaches in his pockets and hands him a $55 bill

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.'

He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound' and another sign that says 'Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.'

So he asks the man behind the cash register, how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?

The man replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?

A blonde goes to a blood bank to earn a little money to pay the bills...

She steps into the elevator along with an attractive young man.

"Are you going to the blood bank too?" she inquires.

"no" he replies: "I go to the sperm bank, because I get four times the cash as I get for a pint of blood".

A week later, they meet again in the same elevator. The guy asks: " Off to the blood bank again?"

The blonde just shakes her head and says :" Mmm-Mmm"

A Chinese man comes to America...

He brought all of his money over in RMB so he goes to a bank with 1000RMB and asks them to change it into dollars. The teller takes his money and gives him $650.

A week later he's out of cash and goes back to the bank with another 1000RMB. He gives it to the teller and this time he only gets $625 back. Perplexed he asks the teller in a heavy chinese accent.

"Hey, how come last time I get $650 dollar, this time only $625 dollar"

The teller shrugs and says "Fluctuations"

The chinese man flies into a rage and storms out of bank and as he slams the door he turns and yells

"FLUC U AMERICANS TOO"

A woman was at the supermarket

A woman was at the supermarket with her kid and was about to check out. When she got to the cash register, all she had was a backpack. The clerk asked her why she wanted the backpack since her kid was still very young. She responded, "I'm going to stuff my kid in the backpack and carry him around." The people behind her in line gasped at how the lady said she was going to treat her kid. The clerk shrugged his shoulders and said, "Ok lady, whatever totes your goat."

A Governor who was going for a...

...foreign tour, had lots of cash lying with him. He thought it would be safest to keep it with a Senator and requested him to keep it until he returns. The Senator agreed but insisted the transaction be witnessed by two of his senior advisors. Money matters can lead to serious misunderstandings. said Senator. It is always wise to have two witnesses.


The Governor saw the wisdom of the advice. The cash was handed over to the Senator in the presence of two of his senior advisors.


Some weeks later when the Governor returned home, he called on the Senator and asked for the return of his money.


What money? asked the Senator. I don't know what you are talking about.


The cash I left with you. pleaded the Governor. You even had two of your senior advisors as witnesses.


Let's ask them. replied the Senator. The senior advisors were called to the Senator's office.


Do you know anything about this Governor leaving money with me? asked the Senator.


No sir, I know nothing replied one. No sir, he didn't leave any money with you. said the other. The senior advisors left the room. The Senator opened his safe and gave the Governor his cash.


Why did you first say you knew nothing about my money ? Asked the bewildered Governor.


I just wanted to know what kind of senior advisors I have. Replied the Senator.

What did the bank say to the government

Bank: Hey government. I need money to pay my workers or we're gonna go out of business.

Government: Hey bank. Sure. I remember you from Harvard, how are you doing?

Bank: Doing great, actually! I remember you too. Frat bros for life. Thanks for the cash.

Government: Frat bros for life! Hey, no problem. Wasn't mine to begin with, right? Enjoy it.

Bank: Will do. Already bought back half my stocks!

Government: Nice! What about your workers?
Bank: Haha, let 'em starve. No frat, no stack.

Government: Haha! Class act, Bank, you ol' rascal! This was fun. Same time next economic crisis?

Bank: You know it, bro. Thanks. Here's some reelection money

Why is it a good idea to put your money in the freezer, instead of the bank?

So you always have access to cold hard cash...

How much cash can you make robbing an Indian restaurant?

As much as you can curry.

A robot walks into a bar, orders a drink, and lays down some cash.

The bartender says, "we don't serve robots." The robot replies, "oh, but some day you will."

She actually said that?

A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night... My daughter walked into the living room and said, 'Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.' "

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

"Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said... 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign!'

A woman donates her plasma for some extra cash.

There is a man in front of her in the line for the cashier. She notices that his check is for $200 as he leaves. She excitedly gets to the cashier. To her surprise, the cashier hands her a check for $50. "Wait a second," asks the woman, "how come he got $200 and I only got $50?"

"Well ma'am, you donated plasma and he donated sperm," replies the cashier.

"Oh I see" says the woman.

A week goes by and the woman returns to the donation center. The same cashier is working again. "Oh it's you again," says the cashier, "back to donate more plasma?"

The woman shakes her head no and says, "uh uh", carefully keeping her mouth closed.

A divorced man

A divorce man was walking on the street suddenly he saw a lamp in the middle of the road.

He picked it up and suddenly a genie poped out and said to man " you have three wishes and be careful what you will wish you ex will get double of that."

Man scratched his head and said "okay give me a $1 billion mansion."

Genie: wish fulfilled and your ex got $2 billion mansion. Now you have 2 wishes left.

Man again scratched his head and said "give $1 billion cash for my bills and other stuffs."

Genie : wish fulfilled here is the bank statement and your ex got $2billion. So what's you last wish.

Man : now I want a 8 inch d**k

LOL

That's the word I was looking for! (Possibly NSFW)

A man walks into a doctors office and says to the doctor "I want you to castrate me"

The doctor says "NO! I will never do such a thing"

Man: "What if I give you $1000 in cash?"

Doctor: "No"

Man: "What about $5000?"

Doctor: "Well... if you insist"

And so, the doctor puts the man under anesthesia to perform the castration



When the man regains consciousness, the doctor tells him

"The castration was a success. And, since you paid me so much, I decided to give you a circumcision as well"

The man slaps himself on the forehead and says

"CIRCUMCISION! That's the word I was looking for!"

A Blonde hard up for cash kidnaps a kid at the park.

She writes a random note:

I have your son. If you want to see him again, tonight leave a bag with $500 under a park bench by the pond.

PS. No cops!

- Blonde.

Realizing that she has no idea where to send it and not wanting to expose herself in the first place, she smartly sends the kid home to deliver her menacing missive.

The following morning she arrives at the designated bench and underneath finds a bag with the money and a note:

How could you do this to your fellow Blonde???

"Cash or Debit?"

"Did you just assume my tender?!"

A Taxing Poem

"Taxpayer's Lament"

Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
Tax his pants, Tax his coat;

Tax his crop, Tax his work;
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;

Tax his chew, Tax his smoke
Teach him taxing is no joke.

Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing is the rule.

Tax his oil, Tax his gas
Tax his notes, Tax his cash

Tax him good and let him know,
That after taxes, he has no dough.

If he hollers, Tax him more;
Tax him till he's good and sore.

Tax his coffin, Tax his grave,
Tax his sod in which he's laid.

Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove him to his doom."

After he's gone, we won't relax.
We'll still collect inheritance tax.

A really bad, terrible mistake

Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated. " Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation. " Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a littlee mbarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it? " Doc says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but OK. " He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up. "Well, Doc, how'd it go? " Fred asks. "It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my... " "CIRCUMCISED! " yells Fred. "THAT'S the word!!! "

I really can't stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.

Do they really have to rub it in that they've got more cash than I do?

All Dolled Up

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no 
secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that 
she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbedβ€”and with her blessingβ€”he opened the box and found a 
crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.

My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never 
argue, she explained. Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.

Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the boxβ€”that meant she'd been angry with him only once in 60 years. But what about all this money? he asked.

Oh, she said, that's the money 
I made from selling the dolls.

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.

Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.

God please don't kill Kevin Bacon.

Donald Trump is being held hostage...

Guy 1: "Donald Trump is being held hostage by terrorists and they threaten to shoot him unless the US can come up with $5 billion in cash!"

Guy 2: "Oh my God, that's horrible! How much have people donated?"

Guy 1: "So far, 15 rifles, 20 machine guns, 16 shotguns, 8 revolvers, 76 BB guns, 18 Glocks, 15 magnums, 21 bobcats, and $12 million in bullets.

Guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of the strongest whiskey...

He drinks it quickly and then looked in his wallet. He asks for a second shot and drinks it quickly again before looking into his wallet, again. He does this for about 5 times when the bartender said, "hey bud, easy with the shots, by the way, what are you looking at in you wallet, are you short on cash? I can open up a tab for you" The guy goes, "no, no, not at all, I have money, but thanks anyways." The bartender goes, "so why are you looking into your wallet after every drink?" The guy answers, "I was looking at a picture of my wife, I figure I can go home when she starts to look good."

My girlfriend was surprised and happy when I handed her my wallet before she went out with her girlfriends for her birthday. The look on her face soured however when she held the gooey cash in her hands.

I think she misunderstood me when I said I recently came into some money.

A Doctor, a banker, and a lawyer

3 very good friends, a doctor, a banker, and a lawyer, all had a mutual friend pass away. While at the funeral, the Doctor says "I wanna do something nice and unselfish for our friend," so he pulls out his wallet and throws a $100 dollar bill into the casket. The banker sees this and decides to do the same, he pulls out his wallet and throws a $100 dollar bill into the casket as well. The lawyer being the last one, says the same as well. So he pulls out his checkbook, takes the cash, and writes and leaves a check for $300.

I used to be a cashier at a gas station on the Canadian border.

I would always ask what currency people would be paying with, but I stopped after a woman screamed at me for assuming her tender.

Why didn't the cashier get the punchline?

It didn't register.

Tried to cash in on this kid joke thing. My daughter is a disappointment.

Why did the skeleton cross the road? He didn't because he doesn't have skin and he just fell apart.

I have hundreds of jokes about cash machines

I just can't think of one atm

I ate 15 raw oysters last night at the restaurant. I paid for it with exploding diarrhea.

I think they would have preferred cash.

What's happening in this country? School children dressing like whores...

-and whores dressing like school children. It's a nightmare!
You don't know whether to carry candy or cash.

A 5 years old girl enters the supermarket...

...grabs 4 beers and goes to the cash desk. The lady smiles at her and asks:

"Do you think you can carry all four of them all by yourself?"

The little girls thinks for a second and says:

"Yeah, you're right. I'll drink one here before I go"

Petty Cash

I place $20 in a box.

So do you.

Now the box contains $40, and we both know it.

I sell the box to you for $30.

And we both walk away with a $10 profit.

Dad joke [OC]

*My dad with a coffee at the gas station cash register:*

Cashier: any gas with that?

Dad: no thanks, I drink mine black

My father died recently and I came into a bunch of money. I decided to buy a car and pay cash...

and the man at the dealership asked me, "Why are all these bills so sticky?!"

A college girl from Wisconsin wants to learn about her heritage...

So she decides to take a month long trip around Germany. Now, as a college student, she's dead broke so she hits on a plan to make some spending cash.

A month later, she's back in Wisconsin and her mother says So Gertrude, how did you like the fatherland?

I loved it , Gertrude gushed. I learned so much about German culture. Once, I had a Frankfurter, a Hamburger and a Berliner all at the same time!

Gosh! , says her mother. You must have been stuffed! Could you even walk after that?!

Not for days , says Gertrude, but it was worth it, the money from the video paid for my food for the whole trip!

A man wakes up the morning of his birthday on July 7th.

He looks at his watch '7:07'. Oh man, what are the odds that I wake up at 7:07 on 07/07 on the day of my birthday. Could be my lucky day!

He drives to the grocery store and starts freaking out as the total at the cash shows 77.77$. Oh my, this cannot be a coincidence .

He then drives back home and parks his car, only to realize his mileage is now at 77,777km. Ok this is it, it is my lucky day, I'm going to pick a horse and bet 7777$ on it in tonight's race. Easy money!

The horse finishes 7th.

Said to a cashier the other day...

So I was making a purchase and after ringing up my order, the cashier asks "would you like to make a donation to cancer treatment research?"

I said "no, they're just gonna spend it on drugs"

A hooded bank robber burst into a bank demanding cash

Once his bags were full he started making his way out when a brave soldier ripped his mask off and sees his face. The robber, realizing his face has been exposed, shoots and kills him dead. The robber turns around and sees a bank teller looking him in the eyes so he walks up to him and shoots him dead aswell. He puts his mask back on and yells "did anyone else see my face?". At this point everyone is staring at the floor too terrified to look up. After a few moments of utter silence an old man raises his hand his while keeping his face on the floor he says "my wife got pretty good look at you"

I went into the Apple store to get a new MacBook for my wife.

Bastards wouldn't do the deal, and said they prefered cash.

Cashier: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?"

No, just leave it in the carton.

Everyone should pay their income tax with a smile

I tried - but they wanted cash.

Zen Master and the Hot Dog

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes