cash Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious cash puns

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

👍🏼

Cashier: Scans Condoms

Do you need a bag sir?

Me: Jesus, she's not that ugly

👍🏼

A dying grandma tells her grandchild....

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."

👍🏼

[NSFW] The Penguin

A guy goes to the whorehouse but he's strapped for cash.

"What can I get for 5 bucks?

"5 bucks... That'll get you a 'penguin.' Rose! Come, take this man back and give him a penguin."

Rose takes the man to her room, undoes his pants and starts giving him a blowjob. But right before he is getting ready to come, she gets up and walks away.

The man becomes upset and, with his pants still around his ankles, waddles after her. "Wait, so this is a penguin?!"

👍🏼

The cashier at the local grocery store asked me if i wanted to donate 2$ to end world hunger, i was like HELL YEAH!

I had no idea we were this close! I'm gonna be a god damn hero!

Joke by Matt Donaher

👍🏼

Did Jesus pay for our sins with cash or credit?

He used praypal.

👍🏼

Two guys are walking down a dark alley

when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.

They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."

👍🏼

A drunk guy calls a radio station...

...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"

"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."

👍🏼

An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags

He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"

The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

👍🏼

Drug Store Robber

A man was in need of some quick cash, and so he decided to turn to thievery. He grabbed his gun and visited 5 different drug stores, stealing over 5,000 pills of Viagra. The next day, while preparing to sell the pills, the man's house was surrounded by police. With no place to go, the man decided to swallow the evidence. He is now facing 20 years of hard time.

👍🏼

Why are lesbians always low on cash?

Because they're constantly eating out!

👍🏼

Cashiers have a thing for me.

They keep checking me out.

👍🏼

What's the easiest way to pay a musician?

Open the door, hand him the cash and take the pizza

👍🏼

You ever go to pay cash, but the cashier has already handed you the card machine?

I'm like... "Did you just assume my tender?"

👍🏼

A bank robber gets hold of the cash he needs but before fleeing the scene he demands the regular customers to stand in a line

The bank robber ask the first guy in line: "did you see what happened here?"

First guy: "I sure did! And I'm gonna tell the police exactly what happened and what you look lik..."
The bank robber shoots him in the head and ask the next in line the same question.

Second guy: "I assure you I did not see a thing... but my wife here did"

👍🏼

The "penguin"

A guy who's strapped for cash asks a prostitute what he can get for $10. She replies, "Well, for 10 bucks I'll give you a 'penguin.'" "Okay... Sure, I'll take it."

So she gets down on her knees, lowers his pants, and begins giving him a blowjob. But right before he is about to cum, she gets up and walks away. The guy is confused, and starts to waddle after her, with his pants still around his ankles. "Wait, so this is a penguin?!?"

Got this from an old PlayBoy magazine.

👍🏼

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood...

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood when someone jumps out from behind a car, pulls out a pistol, and demands, "Give me your wallets, NOW!"

The guys, pretty much expecting this, sigh and pull out their wallets. One guy opens his wallet and shows the thief that he had no cash and no credit cards.

The other guy opens his and grabs a bill, handing it to his friend. "Oh, hey, here's the $20 I owe you."

👍🏼

A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out

Hands up, this is a robbery! He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.

One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; Hey, shouldn't you be robbing a blood bank?

The vampire turns to them and grins.
No, see, I'm cursed. He explains.

Cursed?

Yep, I can only feed on smartasses, and there's always at least one when I pull this stunt.

👍🏼

The mugger

Two guys are walking home from a bar when a mugger approaches them in an alley with a knife and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and says, "Hey, here's that $20 I owe you."

👍🏼

A cashier asked me if I wanted paper or plastic.

I told her: "just put the money in a fucking bag!"

👍🏼

My wife's 82 year old grandmother told this joke today at our family dinner

A grandfather and grandmother were visiting their son and family for a night. The father asked the son if he could have one if his viagra. The son said yes but that he needed to leave $10 in the cabinet.

The next morning the son found $110 cash next to the bottle. He went to his father and said "Dad it was only $10, you made a mistake."

The grandfather responded "The $10 is from me and the $100 is from your mother."

👍🏼

Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.

It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

👍🏼

A man came up to my cash register.

He put a gun to my head and shouted, "Don't do anything smart."

"O-o-ok." I stuttered.

He said, "Open the cash register!"

I said, "I don't know how to."

He said, "Don't be stupid."

I said, "Fucking hell, make your mind up."

👍🏼

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church.

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: "Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!" While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. A week later the two friends meet again in front of the same church, and one of them confides to the other: "I still wonder if that offer is serious." the other replies condescendingly: "Ah you Jews, all you think about is money!"

👍🏼

Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.

She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."

I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"

She sarcastically said " of course it would help"

So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"

I said "Yes please!"

"How much?" She asked

I said "£18.97"

👍🏼

A man walks into a grocery store

After getting all his food he brings it to the cash register to ring it up. The cashier says "that'll be $49.95", The man hands him a $100 bill and the cashier asks "do you have anything smaller? We've been having a rash of counterfeit bills lately"; the man reaches in his pockets and hands him a $55 bill

👍🏼

A bartender was getting ready to close for the night
when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a
gun.

He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"

The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!"

The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"

The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot; I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"

The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, Alright, now suck my cock!"

"Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!"

The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun.

The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it!" One of my friends might walk in!"

👍🏼

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.'

He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound' and another sign that says 'Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.'

So he asks the man behind the cash register, how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?

The man replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?

👍🏼

A blonde goes to a blood bank to earn a little money to pay the bills...

She steps into the elevator along with an attractive young man.

"Are you going to the blood bank too?" she inquires.

"no" he replies: "I go to the sperm bank, because I get four times the cash as I get for a pint of blood".

A week later, they meet again in the same elevator. The guy asks: " Off to the blood bank again?"

The blonde just shakes her head and says :" Mmm-Mmm"

👍🏼

Two jewish friends pass a catholic church...

Two jewish friends pass a catholic church on which a large poster addresses non-catholocs: come to us, accept catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash! While walking away, the two friends engage in a debate about wether the offer is meant seriously. A week later, the two friends pass by the same church again and one confides in the other I still wonder if that offer is serious. The other replies condescendingly: ah, you jews, all you think about is money!

👍🏼

A Chinese man comes to America...

He brought all of his money over in RMB so he goes to a bank with 1000RMB and asks them to change it into dollars. The teller takes his money and gives him $650.

A week later he's out of cash and goes back to the bank with another 1000RMB. He gives it to the teller and this time he only gets $625 back. Perplexed he asks the teller in a heavy chinese accent.

"Hey, how come last time I get $650 dollar, this time only $625 dollar"

The teller shrugs and says "Fluctuations"

The chinese man flies into a rage and storms out of bank and as he slams the door he turns and yells

"FLUC U AMERICANS TOO"

👍🏼

A woman was at the supermarket

A woman was at the supermarket with her kid and was about to check out. When she got to the cash register, all she had was a backpack. The clerk asked her why she wanted the backpack since her kid was still very young. She responded, "I'm going to stuff my kid in the backpack and carry him around." The people behind her in line gasped at how the lady said she was going to treat her kid. The clerk shrugged his shoulders and said, "Ok lady, whatever totes your goat."

👍🏼

So, a man walks into a bar...

... Upon entering said bar, the man notices a jar full of cash on the table.

"What's all this money for?", asked the man.

The bartender replied, "Well, if you can make my horse laugh, it's all yours."

"Alright, where's the horse?"

"In the back room."

"Thanks."

The man then enters the room. A few minutes later, the man comes out with the horse cracking up with laughter.

"Holy crap!" The bartender was so shocked, he could barely think of any words to say. "Well, a deal's a deal." The man then took the money, and left the bar.

The next day, he returns to the bar. The man spots yet another large jar of cash.

"Alright, what's THIS jar for?"

"All the money in this jar says you can't make my horse cry."

"Alright, fine. The horse?"

"Still in the back room."

The man walks into the room. He shortly returns, the horse next to him in hysterics, sobbing with such vigor.

"Okay, what the hell, I've gotta' know how you did all this; what's your secret?"

"Well, to make the horse laugh, I told him I had a bigger dick than him."

"Aha...?"

"Aaaaand to make him cry, I showed him."

👍🏼

A Governor who was going for a...

...foreign tour, had lots of cash lying with him. He thought it would be safest to keep it with a Senator and requested him to keep it until he returns. The Senator agreed but insisted the transaction be witnessed by two of his senior advisors. Money matters can lead to serious misunderstandings. said Senator. It is always wise to have two witnesses.


The Governor saw the wisdom of the advice. The cash was handed over to the Senator in the presence of two of his senior advisors.


Some weeks later when the Governor returned home, he called on the Senator and asked for the return of his money.


What money? asked the Senator. I don't know what you are talking about.


The cash I left with you. pleaded the Governor. You even had two of your senior advisors as witnesses.


Let's ask them. replied the Senator. The senior advisors were called to the Senator's office.


Do you know anything about this Governor leaving money with me? asked the Senator.


No sir, I know nothing replied one. No sir, he didn't leave any money with you. said the other. The senior advisors left the room. The Senator opened his safe and gave the Governor his cash.


Why did you first say you knew nothing about my money ? Asked the bewildered Governor.


I just wanted to know what kind of senior advisors I have. Replied the Senator.

👍🏼

Why is it a good idea to put your money in the freezer, instead of the bank?

So you always have access to cold hard cash...

👍🏼

What are the most funny Cash jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Cash? Well, here are the best Cash dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Cash pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes