The Best 71 Cash Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Cash jokes. There are some cash bank jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these cash johnny cash puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Cash Jokes and Puns

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "

P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

Cashier: Scans Condoms

Do you need a bag sir?

Me: Jesus, she's not that ugly

Two guys are walking down a dark alley

when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.

They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."

Cash joke, Two guys are walking down a dark alley

What's the easiest way to pay a musician?

Open the door, hand him the cash and take the pizza

Why are lesbians always low on cash?

Because they're constantly eating out!


Why is it a good idea to put your money in the freezer, instead of the bank?

So you always have access to cold hard cash...

Why didn't the cashier get the punchline?

It didn't register.

Cash joke, Why didn't the cashier get the punchline?

Tried to cash in on this kid joke thing. My daughter is a disappointment.

Why did the skeleton cross the road? He didn't because he doesn't have skin and he just fell apart.

How much cash can you make robbing an Indian restaurant?

As much as you can curry.

My girlfriend was surprised and happy when I handed her my wallet before she went out with her girlfriends for her birthday. The look on her face soured however when she held the gooey cash in her hands.

I think she misunderstood me when I said I recently came into some money.

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood...

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood when someone jumps out from behind a car, pulls out a pistol, and demands, "Give me your wallets, NOW!"

The guys, pretty much expecting this, sigh and pull out their wallets. One guy opens his wallet and shows the thief that he had no cash and no credit cards.

The other guy opens his and grabs a bill, handing it to his friend. "Oh, hey, here's the $20 I owe you."

You can explore cash payment reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean cash repossess dad jokes. There are also cash puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A man walks into a grocery store

After getting all his food he brings it to the cash register to ring it up. The cashier says "that'll be $49.95", The man hands him a $100 bill and the cashier asks "do you have anything smaller? We've been having a rash of counterfeit bills lately"; the man reaches in his pockets and hands him a $55 bill

A drunk guy calls a radio station...

...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"

"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church.

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: "Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!" While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. A week later the two friends meet again in front of the same church, and one of them confides to the other: "I still wonder if that offer is serious." the other replies condescendingly: "Ah you Jews, all you think about is money!"

A dying grandma tells her grandchild....

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."

Donald Trump is being held hostage...

Guy 1: "Donald Trump is being held hostage by terrorists and they threaten to shoot him unless the US can come up with $5 billion in cash!"

Guy 2: "Oh my God, that's horrible! How much have people donated?"

Guy 1: "So far, 15 rifles, 20 machine guns, 16 shotguns, 8 revolvers, 76 BB guns, 18 Glocks, 15 magnums, 21 bobcats, and $12 million in bullets.

Cash joke, Donald Trump is being held hostage...

An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags

He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"

The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.

Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.

God please don't kill Kevin Bacon.

A robot walks into a bar, orders a drink, and lays down some cash.

The bartender says, "we don't serve robots." The robot replies, "oh, but some day you will."


"Cash or Debit?"

"Did you just assume my tender?!"

A bank robber gets hold of the cash he needs but before fleeing the scene he demands the regular customers to stand in a line

The bank robber ask the first guy in line: "did you see what happened here?"

First guy: "I sure did! And I'm gonna tell the police exactly what happened and what you look lik..."
The bank robber shoots him in the head and ask the next in line the same question.

Second guy: "I assure you I did not see a thing... but my wife here did"

A blonde goes to a blood bank to earn a little money to pay the bills...

She steps into the elevator along with an attractive young man.

"Are you going to the blood bank too?" she inquires.

"no" he replies: "I go to the sperm bank, because I get four times the cash as I get for a pint of blood".

A week later, they meet again in the same elevator. The guy asks: " Off to the blood bank again?"

The blonde just shakes her head and says :" Mmm-Mmm"

You ever go to pay cash, but the cashier has already handed you the card machine?

I'm like... "Did you just assume my tender?"

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.'

He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound' and another sign that says 'Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.'

So he asks the man behind the cash register, how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?

The man replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?

Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.

It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

What's happening in this country? School children dressing like whores...

-and whores dressing like school children. It's a nightmare!
You don't know whether to carry candy or cash.

I really can't stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.

Do they really have to rub it in that they've got more cash than I do?

Did Jesus pay for our sins with cash or credit?

He used praypal.

I used to be a cashier at a gas station on the Canadian border.

I would always ask what currency people would be paying with, but I stopped after a woman screamed at me for assuming her tender.

A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out

Hands up, this is a robbery! He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.

One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; Hey, shouldn't you be robbing a blood bank?

The vampire turns to them and grins.
No, see, I'm cursed. He explains.

Cursed?

Yep, I can only feed on smartasses, and there's always at least one when I pull this stunt.

Cashiers have a thing for me.

They keep checking me out.

Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of Β£1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a Β£20 note.

She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."

I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"

She sarcastically said " of course it would help"

So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"

I said "Yes please!"

"How much?" She asked

I said "Β£18.97"

A woman was at the supermarket

A woman was at the supermarket with her kid and was about to check out. When she got to the cash register, all she had was a backpack. The clerk asked her why she wanted the backpack since her kid was still very young. She responded, "I'm going to stuff my kid in the backpack and carry him around." The people behind her in line gasped at how the lady said she was going to treat her kid. The clerk shrugged his shoulders and said, "Ok lady, whatever totes your goat."

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.

The look on his face was priceless.

I got a free iPhoneX, $300 cash and a camera

Its like this gun has magic

The cashier at Costco dared to ask me why I'm buying a giant tub of whiteout.

Big mistake.

I have hundreds of jokes about cash machines

I just can't think of one atm

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.

What country does not accept cash or credit cards?

The Czech Republic

A snail walks into a car dealership...

A snail walks into a car dealership. The snail wants something fast, elegant, and luxurious, after browsing multiple brands he decides on one.

The rich snail pays in cash and walks up to the dealerships salesman and says "I want you to paint big S's all along this car, big S's on the front, the sides, the back, the top, big S's everywhere. The auto body guy tells him he can do it, but can't help but ask the snail why he wants big S's all over the car.

So the snail answers him "It's simple: When I launch past people on the highway they will say Look at that S car go!

I want people's opinions to help me decide something...

I've just received an automated phone call saying I've won either Β£250 cash or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute concert. Should I press 1 for the money or 2 for the show?

Change for a $15 bill

An incompentent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.

He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"

The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?"

20 years ago we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steve Jobs.

Now we have no Cash, no Jobs and no Hope. I really hope Kevin Bacon doesn't die.

You have to give President Trump credit

Because he definitely doesn't have any cash.

Three rich guys bury a friend

First throws a thousand bucks into the coffin, saying "I want you to never need anything in the next life".

Second one, richer than the first, throws 5000 behind it.

All look to the third who is even richer than the other two. He writes a check over 100 grand, throws it in the coffin and remarks "Cash it if you need any".

What do you call a Mongol leader who swindles people out of their hard earned cash?

Ghengis Khan Man.

I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.

It was a shot in the dark, but I took it

I got fired from my job as a cashier today...

This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."

I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"

A man walks into a coffee shop

Cashier: Congratulations! You are our 10,000th customer. Enjoy this complimentary bagel.

Man: Gee, thanks!

Cashier: That will be Β£2.50 please. Cash or card?

Man: I thought you said it was complimentary...

Bagel: You have a beautiful smile

Pavlov walks into a bar

Pavlov walks into a bar. He hears the cash register ring and he says:

"Shit, I forgot to feed my dogs."

My dentist told me "This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?"

I said "Yes, I'm ready."

He said "Cash or credit card?"

Three rich guys bury a friend.

First guy throws a $1000 bucks into the coffin, saying "I want you to never need anything in the next life".
Second one, richer than the first, throws $5000 behind it.
All of them look to the third who is even richer than the other two. He writes a check for over 100 grand, throws it in the coffin and remarks "Cash it if you need anything".

Customer: I would like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

Waiter: I'm sorry we only accept cash.

Kevin Bacon

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.

Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.

God please don't kill Kevin Bacon.

A Girl walks into a Supermarket...

...she picks up a banana, a can of soup, and a loaf of bread. She then walks up to the cash register to pay.


The cashier looks at her, and the items she has and says,


"I can tell you're single."



She smiles and responds,



"How do you know that?"



He says,



"Because you're ugly."

Son asks his father (a bitcoin miner) to give him 1 Bitcoin for birthday.

Father replies: "Son! 20485$ is much cash! Why do you even need 18572$? For 21568$ You can buy a good car!"

A woman wanted to buy a bagel with cream cheese at my deli.

I told her we only take cash or card.

An armed masked man bursts into a bank yelling "EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP, THIS IS A ROBBERY!"

The patrons and staff, terrified, comply.


He's loading up his sack with cash when his mask slips off. He quickly pulls it back up and sees two guys who may have seen his face. He points his gun at the first.


"Did you see my face?"


"Yes"


BANG, he shoots him.


He then points it at the second guy.


"Did you see my face?"


The second guy points at a woman sitting far off in the reception area.


"No, but my mother in law did!"

Cashier: that'll be $19.99

Me: *pulls out a $50*

Cashier: sorry we've been having problems with counterfeit money… Have anything smaller?

Me: Sure! *pulls out a $30*

So a guy was making counterfeit money and accidently prints $21 bills.

He decides he could go to a small town gas station where the cashier isn't too bright and see about exchanging them for real cash. He gets there and asks the cashier for his change and the cashier responds "Not a problem. Do you want 7 - $3 bills or 3 - $7 bills?"

I spent all my cash renting a limo and it didn't come with a driver.

Wasted all that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

For extra cash consider robbing sex offenders.

Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns.

Only downside is politicians usually have good security.

The Cashier said "Strip down, facing me"

By the time I knew he meant the credit card it was too late.

In the old days when everyone got paid in cash for their work, Frank was walking to the pub to meet up with his friends when he found an envelope with someone's payslip and entire wages for the week.

His face was angry when he got inside the pub. His friends asked him what was wrong.

What's wrong? He exclaimed. What's wrong is that I just found an entire pay packet.

Sucks for them, but good for you. What wrong with that, though?

Look at how much tax they had to pay.

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

What has 80 feet, 137 teeth and $72 in cash?

The front row of a Trump rally

What's the difference between a ruble and an empty soda can?

An empty soda can is redeemable for cash.

An astronaught came into the shop today

He didn't have cash but he did have Starbucks

You guys heard about this new Spiderman restaurant?

Don't bother bringing cash. All the orders are web only.

My dad accidentally left cash in his pocket when he washed his pants in the washing machine

He proud screamed throughout the house "Hey everyone I'm laundering money"

From my 10 year old - " What grows on money trees?

"Cash - ooh"'s

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the cash debit jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working cash bill piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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