Cash Jokes
161 cash jokes and hilarious cash puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cash that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article features a collection of humorous jokes about cash and money. With plenty of puns and humorous takes on coins, payments, petty cash, cash registers, cash apps, and cash flow, this article is sure to make you chuckle.
Quick Jump To
- Short Cash Jokes
- Cash One Liners
- Cash Register Jokes
- Johnny Cash Jokes
- Petty Cash Jokes
- Cash Flow Jokes
- More Cash Jokes
Funniest Cash Short Jokes
Short cash jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cash humour may include short currency jokes also.
- I said to the woman at the deli, I'd like to buy a corned beef and pastrami, with pickles. She replied, Sorry..." "We only take cash or card.
- I spent all my cash renting a limo and it didn't come with a driver. Wasted all that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
- You guys heard about this new spiderman restaurant? Don't bother bringing cash. All the orders are web only.
- What's the easiest way to pay a musician? Open the door, hand him the cash and take the pizza
- You ever go to pay cash, but the cashier has already handed you the card machine? I'm like... "Did you just assume my tender?"
- A woman wanted to buy a bagel with cream cheese at my deli. I told her we only take cash or card.
- Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an elvis tribute night. It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
- Customer: I would like to buy a bagel with cream cheese Waiter: I'm sorry we only accept cash.
- Son asks his father (a bitcoin miner) to give him 1 Bitcoin for birthday. Father replies: "Son! 20485$ is much cash! Why do you even need 18572$? For 21568$ You can buy a good car!"
- Why is it a good idea to put your money in the freezer, instead of the bank? So you always have access to cold hard cash...
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Cash One Liners
Which cash one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cash? I can suggest the ones about financial and coins.
- You have to give President Trump credit Because he definitely doesn't have any cash.
- What has 80 feet, 137 teeth and $72 in cash? The front row of a Trump rally
- Did Jesus pay for our sins with cash or credit? He used praypal.
- I really want to tell a joke about cash machines But I don't have one atm
- What country does not accept cash or credit cards? The Czech Republic
- I got a free iPhoneX, $300 cash and a camera Its like this gun has magic
- How much cash can you make robbing an Indian restaurant? As much as you can curry.
- "Cash or Debit?" "Did you just assume my tender?!"
- what do you call Johnny Cash's millennial grandson Johnny Bitcoin
- I have hundreds of jokes about cash machines I just can't think of one atm
- An astronaught came into the shop today He didn't have cash but he did have Starbucks
- Why do slovaks don't like Czechs? They prefer cash.
- Everyone should pay their income tax with a smile I tried - but they wanted cash.
- What do you call a dollar frozen in a block of ice? Cold hard cash.
- What do you call a Jewish piano? A cash register.
Cash Register Jokes
Here is a list of funny cash register jokes and even better cash register puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Dad joke [OC] *My dad with a coffee at the gas station cash register:*
Cashier: any gas with that?
Dad: no thanks, I drink mine black - What's a cash register's favorite cereal? Chex.
- I went to the grocery store to grab some milk But the lady at the cash register said her pump was broken.
- *at cash register* ME: Do I swipe the whole card or...
*[seductively inserts chip]*
Just the tip?
CASHIER: *[into mic]* Security - Whenever I talk to a Mexican I feel like there's some kind of barrier between us It's about 4 ft high, made of wood and there's usually a cash register on top of it.
- My cash register won't open... I guess it doesn't make much cents for me to use it.
- There wasn't a price on the bottle of water, so I took it up to the cash register. "Could you tell me how much this is?" I asked. She said, "That's 500 millilitres, sir."
- So a Christian man walks into a Jewish bakery and he looks at all the fantastic breads. He walks up to the cash register and he asks: How much does your challah cost?
Cashier responds: 6 million - What sound would a cash register at an Asian Harry Potter store make? Cho-Chang!
- A black man comes at the cash register to pay his groceries.
Johnny Cash Jokes
Here is a list of funny johnny cash jokes and even better johnny cash puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- 20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.
God please don't kill Kevin Bacon. - Kevin Bacon 20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.
Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.
God please don't kill Kevin Bacon. - 20 years ago we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Jobs and no Hope. I really hope Kevin Bacon doesn't die.
- A lot of people mistake Johnny Cash for a country artist. I understand though, as far as genres go he walks the line.
- I grew up with Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope Now there's no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please don't let anything happen to Kevin Bacon.
- In 1987 we had Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope... Now we have Obama, no cash, and no hope.
- What did the police do when Johnny Cash got arrested? They made him walk the line.
- 20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs.
- How bad is the economy? Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Today we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.
- Probably too soon to update this, but here goes anyway. . . Twenty years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Aretha Franklin. Now we have no jobs, no hope, no cash, and no soul.
Petty Cash Jokes
Here is a list of funny petty cash jokes and even better petty cash puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Petty Cash I place $20 in a box.
So do you.
Now the box contains $40, and we both know it.
I sell the box to you for $30.
And we both walk away with a $10 profit. - The Treasury Department just announced a new $3 bill featuring President Trump. It's designed for businesses who need to keep petty cash.
- It is really sad to hear that Tom Petty's family is fighting over his estate. After all, it is really just petty cash.
Cash Flow Jokes
Here is a list of funny cash flow jokes and even better cash flow puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Sometimes when I take my money out at a bank, I walk outside and throw it in the river I like watching my cash flow.
Giggle-Inducing Cash Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends
What funny jokes about cash you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean payment jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cash pranks.
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,
"No, just leave it in the carton! "
P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.
Cashier: Scans Condoms
Do you need a bag sir?
Me: Jesus, she's not that ugly
Two guys are walking down a dark alley
when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.
They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then, o**... turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."
Why was Six afraid of Seven? Because Seven ate Nine. Lame, right? I made up some more!
Why did Two pay more for socks?
Because it was a three-for-five deal!
Why did Four get jealous of Five?
Because Five had six with Seven!
(And I heard that Seven ate Nine out)
Why did Negative One share its cash prize with Zero after they tied for first place in the race?
Because Zero won too!
Zen Master and the Hot Dog
The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.
"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
Why are l**... always low on cash?
Because they're constantly eating out!
I went to the bank with my Dad...
because he had to get some cash. The teller asked if he wanted large bills or small bills, and my Dad replied "aren't all bills the same size here?"
Why didn't the cashier get the punchline?
It didn't register.
Tried to cash in on this kid joke thing. My daughter is a disappointment.
Why did the skeleton cross the road? He didn't because he doesn't have skin and he just fell apart.
Said to a cashier the other day...
So I was making a purchase and after ringing up my order, the cashier asks "would you like to make a donation to cancer treatment research?"
I said "no, they're just gonna spend it on drugs"
My girlfriend was surprised and happy when I handed her my wallet before she went out with her girlfriends for her birthday. The look on her face soured however when she held the gooey cash in her hands.
I think she misunderstood me when I said I recently came into some money.
Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood...
Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood when someone jumps out from behind a car, pulls out a p**..., and demands, "Give me your wallets, NOW!"
The guys, pretty much expecting this, sigh and pull out their wallets. o**... opens his wallet and shows the thief that he had no cash and no credit cards.
The other guy opens his and grabs a bill, handing it to his friend. "Oh, hey, here's the $20 I owe you."
A man walks into a grocery store
After getting all his food he brings it to the cash register to ring it up. The cashier says "that'll be $49.95", The man hands him a $100 bill and the cashier asks "do you have anything smaller? We've been having a rash of counterfeit bills lately"; the man reaches in his pockets and hands him a $55 bill
A duck walks into a drug store,
He goes and puts lip stick on the check out counter.
The cashier asks, "will this be cash or check?"
The duck says, "neither; just put it on my bill."
"Have you been for a check-up recently?" asked my dentist.
"No. No I haven't," I answered.
"I can tell," he replied.
"Are my teeth bad?" I chuckled.
He said, "No, but I saw the w**... of cash in your wallet."
A drunk guy calls a radio station...
...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"
"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."
I ate 15 raw oysters last night at the restaurant. I paid for it with exploding diarrhea.
I think they would have preferred cash.
I was arrested for washing my pants without taking the cash out of my pockets.
They charged me for laundering money.
Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church.
Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: "Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!" While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. A week later the two friends meet again in front of the same church, and one of them confides to the other: "I still wonder if that offer is serious." the other replies condescendingly: "Ah you Jews, all you think about is money!"
Bernie supporters are dumber than Hillary supporters. Proof?
Hillary supporters spam social media for cash, while Bernie supporters do it for free.
A dying grandma tells her grandchild....
A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."
Donald Trump is being held hostage...
Guy 1: "Donald Trump is being held hostage by terrorists and they threaten to shoot him unless the US can come up with $5 billion in cash!"
Guy 2: "Oh my God, that's horrible! How much have people donated?"
Guy 1: "So far, 15 rifles, 20 machine guns, 16 shotguns, 8 revolvers, 76 BB guns, 18 Glocks, 15 magnums, 21 bobcats, and $12 million in bullets.
My father died recently and I came into a bunch of money. I decided to buy a car and pay cash...
and the man at the dealership asked me, "Why are all these bills so sticky?!"
An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags
He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"
The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."
A robot walks into a bar, orders a drink, and lays down some cash.
The bartender says, "we don't serve robots." The robot replies, "oh, but some day you will."
Just received a text message...
Just received a text message telling me I've won a competition! The prizes are £500 cash or front row tickets to see an Elvis tribute act. I don't know if its a scam though?
It says to press 1 for the money and 2 for the show.
A 5 years old girl enters the supermarket...
...grabs 4 beers and goes to the cash desk. The lady smiles at her and asks:
"Do you think you can carry all four of them all by yourself?"
The little girls thinks for a second and says:
"Yeah, you're right. I'll drink one here before I go"
A bank robber gets hold of the cash he needs but before fleeing the scene he demands the regular customers to stand in a line
The bank robber ask the first guy in line: "did you see what happened here?"
First guy: "I sure did! And I'm gonna tell the police exactly what happened and what you look lik..."
The bank robber shoots him in the head and ask the next in line the same question.
Second guy: "I assure you I did not see a thing... but my wife here did"
I went into the Apple store to get a new MacBook for my wife.
b**... wouldn't do the deal, and said they prefered cash.
A blonde goes to a blood bank to earn a little money to pay the bills...
She steps into the elevator along with an attractive young man.
"Are you going to the blood bank too?" she inquires.
"no" he replies: "I go to the s**... bank, because I get four times the cash as I get for a pint of blood".
A week later, they meet again in the same elevator. The guy asks: " Off to the blood bank again?"
The blonde just shakes her head and says :" Mmm-Mmm"
A man goes to mcdonalds and orders a big mac with a large fry.
The cashier says, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit."
A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.'
He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound' and another sign that says 'Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.'
So he asks the man behind the cash register, how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?
The man replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?
What's happening in this country? School children dressing like w**......
-and w**... dressing like school children. It's a nightmare!
You don't know whether to carry candy or cash.
I really can't stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.
Do they really have to rub it in that they've got more cash than I do?
They say we should pay our taxes with a smile...
I tried, but they wanted cash.
Hello, have one of you guys lost a pile of cash with a rubber band around it?
Because I got the rubberband
One of my friends is addicted to money..
And since he's out of cash, he's going through withdrawal..
My cousin was planning to take an Uber home, but then his phone died.
For lack of a better option, he took out the amount of cash that he thought would cover the cost plus tip, and he asked a stranger, "If I pay you this cash, would you call me an Uber?". The stranger nodded, took the cash, said "You're an Uber!" and walked away.
I used to be a cashier at a gas station on the Canadian border.
I would always ask what currency people would be paying with, but I stopped after a woman screamed at me for assuming her tender.
A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out
Hands up, this is a robbery! He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.
One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; Hey, shouldn't you be robbing a blood bank?
The vampire turns to them and grins.
No, see, I'm cursed. He explains.
Cursed?
Yep, I can only feed on smartasses, and there's always at least one when I pull this stunt.
Cashiers have a thing for me.
They keep checking me out.
Cashier: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?"
No, just leave it in the carton.
Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.
She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."
I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"
She sarcastically said " of course it would help"
So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"
I said "Yes please!"
"How much?" She asked
I said "£18.97"
A woman was at the supermarket
A woman was at the supermarket with her kid and was about to check out. When she got to the cash register, all she had was a backpack. The clerk asked her why she wanted the backpack since her kid was still very young. She responded, "I'm going to stuff my kid in the backpack and carry him around." The people behind her in line gasped at how the lady said she was going to treat her kid. The clerk shrugged his shoulders and said, "Ok lady, whatever totes your goat."
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.
The look on his face was priceless.
The cashier at Costco dared to ask me why I'm buying a giant tub of whiteout.
Big mistake.
When the cashier said, "s**... down, facing me"
How was I to know she meant my debit card?
My dog used to love playing catch, but he hasn't been the same since his lost his favorite ball
I was running low on cash so only I had enough money to cover 50% of his neutering procedure.
Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
A man arrives with a lot of items at the cash
Cashier: Wanna box for those?
Man: Can't we settle this peacefully?
There was a time when people where entertained by men like Jonny Cash and Bob Hope
Nowadays, we have no Cash and no Hope.
When river fish need cash
they go to the nearest bank
I was counting the money in my wallet and I remembered my microbiologist friend saying that money is the dirtiest thing you can touch all day. Turns out I have $144 in cash,
But I guess that's just g**.......
A snail walks into a car dealership...
A snail walks into a car dealership. The snail wants something fast, elegant, and luxurious, after browsing multiple brands he decides on one.
The rich snail pays in cash and walks up to the dealerships salesman and says "I want you to paint big S's all along this car, big S's on the front, the sides, the back, the top, big S's everywhere. The auto body guy tells him he can do it, but can't help but ask the snail why he wants big S's all over the car.
So the snail answers him "It's simple: When I launch past people on the highway they will say Look at that S car go!
To our American cousins...
Its lift, not elevators.
Cash machine not ATM.
Hospital, not business.
I want people's opinions to help me decide something...
I've just received an automated phone call saying I've won either £250 cash or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute concert. Should I press 1 for the money or 2 for the show?
Change for a $15 bill
An incompentent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.
He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.
He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"
The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?"
The difference between a rich man at a s**... club and a poor man at a s**... club.
The rich man shows up to spend lots of cash and have a good time.
The poor man is there to take his sister home.
A woman walks into a bar
She sits at the counter and orders a salad with croutons and a creamy dressing.
The waiter delivers her salad, and she hands him a crisp $20 bill. As the waiter walks back to the cash register he holds it to the light and realizes it's a counterfeit! He snaps around to see the woman grabbing her salad and running for the door.
He shouts at the top of his lungs "Seize her salad!"
They've finally reached a Covid Stimulus deal!
It includes a direct payment of $40 in Kohl's Cash that will be valid from January 3 - January 7, 2021.
Three rich guys bury a friend
First throws a thousand bucks into the coffin, saying "I want you to never need anything in the next life".
Second one, richer than the first, throws 5000 behind it.
All look to the third who is even richer than the other two. He writes a check over 100 grand, throws it in the coffin and remarks "Cash it if you need any".
What do you call a Mongol leader who swindles people out of their hard earned cash?
Ghengis Khan Man.
I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.
It was a shot in the dark, but I took it
