Cartel Jokes

What are some Cartel jokes?

What did Pablo Escobar say when he was ratted out by members of his own cartel?

"I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

What do you get when you cross a Drug cartel and a Mafia lord?

Probably killed.

"Oh man, Juan Valdez died this morning."

Ok, so it's not a 'joke' joke, but that's what you say. Maybe at work, at the bar with friends. Say it in a lull in the conversation. If you're really good, say it while scanning the paper or a news site.


Some people go, "oh!" And some people say, "wait, the Colombian coffee merchant?" and some people say, "oh my god, he *did?*" People always say something.


And then *you* say, "he did, he was assassinated. Someone from a drug cartel shot him with a golf gun. Bizarre story."


And you leave it there.


And if someone presses further, perhaps mention how terrible it must be to get shot by a golf gun.


And you'll eventually be asked, "what's a golf gun?"



To which you say, "don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan!"

A man with anxiety accidentally annoyed the cartel

He began seeing a psychiatrist because of hispanic attacks.

A blonde joins a Mexican cartel

The cartel sends her to Colombia to get coke and she brings Pepsi.

Do you know how much pressure did the Cartel put on the Columbian goverment in the 80s?

1 escobar

So two Mexican cartel members are walking in the desert trying to get into the USA while avoiding the Marines.

While walking Juan tells Pablo that he smells a Bacon Tree.

A Bacon Tree? Asks Pablo....

Juan sees the tree and runs over to go get some bacon, but he is immediately shot by an unseen sniper.

He crawls back to Pablo while he bleeds out, and when he gets there Pablo pulls him behind a rock for cover.

Juan with his last breath tells Pablo : Don't go there Amigo... Its not a Bacon Tree... Its a Ham bush...

Why do cartels, always cut cocaine with Tide?

It softens the blow!

Topical Jokes for 1/6

A report shows that North Korea has 6,000 cyber attack specialists. In fairness, North Korea's definition of cyber attack specialist is anyone who's ever watched The Matrix.

...these cyber attack specialists can access any computer on the planet, and leave the message Please. Help me get out of North Korea.

In Mexico, a vicious drug cartel forced some members to eat human hearts. Ex-members of the cartel who were forced to eat hearts have formed a class action, and are suing the cartel for 100 million kilos of cocaine.

In Florida, a man brought a five-month-old baby to an attempted burglary. The man has been offered a reduced sentence, if he agrees to testify against the baby.

Did you hear about the drug kingpin in Hawaii they call the El Chapo of the south Pacific?

He's the leader of the Sin-aloha cartel.

Steve Harvey cartel joke!

Steve Harvey : Are you sure you read correctly? Should I go back? Tell me what to do!

Gabriela Tafur : You're forgiven, don't worry.

Steve Harvey : You've forgiven me but the cartel has not. They're not handling it the same way.

What do an interrogation specialist and a drug cartel have in common?

They're both good at making people crack!

Mexican cartel drones were found near the border in a failed attempt to smuggle drugs

I guess the drones got too high and crashed

How to make Cartel jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Cartel to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Cartel? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Cartel pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes