cartel Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious cartel puns

What did Pablo Escobar say when he was ratted out by members of his own cartel?

"I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you Medellín kids"


What do you get when you cross a Drug cartel and a Mafia lord?

Probably killed.


"Oh man, Juan Valdez died this morning."

Ok, so it's not a 'joke' joke, but that's what you say. Maybe at work, at the bar with friends. Say it in a lull in the conversation. If you're really good, say it while scanning the paper or a news site.

Some people go, "oh!" And some people say, "wait, the Colombian coffee merchant?" and some people say, "oh my god, he *did?*" People always say something.

And then *you* say, "he did, he was assassinated. Someone from a drug cartel shot him with a golf gun. Bizarre story."

And you leave it there.

And if someone presses further, perhaps mention how terrible it must be to get shot by a golf gun.

And you'll eventually be asked, "what's a golf gun?"

To which you say, "don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan!"


A man with anxiety accidentally annoyed the cartel

He began seeing a psychiatrist because of hispanic attacks.


A blonde joins a Mexican cartel

The cartel sends her to Colombia to get coke and she brings Pepsi.


So two Mexican cartel members are walking in the desert trying to get into the USA while avoiding the Marines.

While walking Juan tells Pablo that he smells a Bacon Tree.

A Bacon Tree? Asks Pablo....

Juan sees the tree and runs over to go get some bacon, but he is immediately shot by an unseen sniper.

He crawls back to Pablo while he bleeds out, and when he gets there Pablo pulls him behind a rock for cover.

Juan with his last breath tells Pablo : Don't go there Amigo... Its not a Bacon Tree... Its a Ham bush...


Why do cartels, always cut cocaine with Tide?

It softens the blow!


Topical Jokes for 1/6

A report shows that North Korea has 6,000 cyber attack specialists. In fairness, North Korea's definition of cyber attack specialist is anyone who's ever watched The Matrix.

...these cyber attack specialists can access any computer on the planet, and leave the message Please. Help me get out of North Korea.

In Mexico, a vicious drug cartel forced some members to eat human hearts. Ex-members of the cartel who were forced to eat hearts have formed a class action, and are suing the cartel for 100 million kilos of cocaine.

In Florida, a man brought a five-month-old baby to an attempted burglary. The man has been offered a reduced sentence, if he agrees to testify against the baby.


What do an interrogation specialist and a drug cartel have in common?

They're both good at making people crack!


Steve Harvey cartel joke!

Steve Harvey : Are you sure you read correctly? Should I go back? Tell me what to do!

Gabriela Tafur : You're forgiven, don't worry.

Steve Harvey : You've forgiven me but the cartel has not. They're not handling it the same way.


What's a Mexican mule?

A white woman with a gaping asshole and a debt to the cartel


Mexican cartel drones were found near the border in a failed attempt to smuggle drugs

I guess the drones got too high and crashed


Local gangstas got into the food industry.

Burritos a la cartel.


I got my Hair cut by the Mexican Mafia

But you Cartel.


I hear a lot of black men are joining the Mexican Cartel....

I guess it takes Jaun to know De'Quan


What happens when the cartels execute a guy?

A hole in Juan


How are the cartels going to get drugs over the new 30 foot wall after it's built?


My jokes are like diamonds.

The demand for them is manipulated by a cartel to create artificial scarcity and drive up profit margins.


What do you call the mexican rape cartel?

El faco


The Mexican cartel asked a hacker for help

Hacker: Sorry guys, I can't crack this.


What does the Mexican cartel do after every murder?

They move onto the next Juan.


Yakuza and Mexican cartel members kill each other in a shootout

I always thought that rice and beans were a good mix...


Wanted to go for a walk in the park today...

I had to end up asking a drug cartel member to smuggle me in!


[OC] What do Mexican kindergartners do on the last Friday of every month?

Car show and Cartel


What are the most funny Cartel jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Cartel? Well, here are the best Cartel dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Cartel pick up lines to share with friends.


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