Cars Jokes
159 cars jokes and hilarious cars puns to laugh out loud. Read vehicle jokes about cars that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Feeling 'exhausted?' Cruise into the lane of laughter with this hilarious list of car jokes. Whether you're a hardened car enthusiast or simply someone looking for a little 'pick-up,' these jokes are sure to get your laughter 'motor' running.
Telling a car joke during a long journey would be 'un-car-acteristically' amusing way to pass the time, or you could share these anecdotes ‘on a ‘brake’ during work for a bit of light-hearted humor. Let's 'steer' this in the right direction with a teaser: Why don't cars ever get lost? Because they always auto-know-the-way! Buckle up and enjoy the fun ride filled with 'driven humor'!
Laugh out loud to the funniest Cars Jokes from Disney Cars, Pixar Cars, Electric Cars, Bumper Cars, Old Cars, Cheap Cars, Self-Driving Cars and Autonomous Cars. Whether you're looking for a joke about BMWs, Convertibles, or just cars in general, we've got the best corny car jokes around.
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Funniest Cars Short Jokes
Short cars jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cars humour may include short vehicle jokes also.
- What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car? A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
- While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
- My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her. Instead I just swam for the surface.
- Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
- If you run in front of a car you'll get tired... But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted
- Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic. AAA: This is AAA, not AA.
Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake. - A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway COP: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
miner: mine - What's the difference between elon musk and a lemur? elon musk made an electric car
Lemurs Madagascar - Me: The earth isn't flat! fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it's the shape of an Italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn't you? - The American Government is just like a car... If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)
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Cars One Liners
Which cars one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cars? I can suggest the ones about sports car and tractor.
- New Teslas don't come with a new car smell They come with an Elon Musk.
- Why did Elon Musk go broke? Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.
- Virginity is like a car Once you've had it 25 years, nobody else wants it either
- Hey girl, are you a parked car in July? Because I want to leave a baby in you.
- What's a three letter word that starts with gas? Car
- How do you get a dozen Americans out of a car? Tell them to stay inside the car.
- Someone keyed the music teacher's car Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor
- What car does Jesus drive? A Christler
I'm so sorry... - Apparently I snore so loudly that I scare everyone in the car I'm driving.
- My friend lost his car. I call him Carlos now.
- This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife I thought it was a great trade.
- When a bmw owner learns to drive... What kind of car do they switch to?
- What do you call a Mexican guy who's car broke down? Joaquin
- What do you call are car that's out of gas Exhausted
- How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic? You take the pizza delivery sign off
Driving Cars Jokes
Here is a list of funny driving cars jokes and even better driving cars puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles. I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.
- Cop pulls over bad driver Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?
Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af
Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car - I've already got a car, but I want to have a DeLorean as well. I would drive my first car every day, but only drive the DeLorean from time to time.
- It really probably isn't safe for me to be driving my car right now, But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
- They finally figured out why the computerized self driving car has crashed... They didn't install the driver.
- I saw a car with a bumper sticker saying "I am a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal." Suddenly, I realized how many proctologists there are on the roads.
- What kind of car does a Weeaboo drive? A Nii-san
- I ran my car into a pole late last night The worst part was the awful sound it made, but I don't speak polish so I just kept driving
- If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.
- How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.
New Cars Jokes
Here is a list of funny new cars jokes and even better new cars puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- This Mother's Day, my dad got a new car for my mom. He said it was the best trade he's ever made
- I invented a new type of car... Me: "I invented a new car. It's powered by silence!"
My friend: "Wow, this is going to revolutionize the industry!"
Me: "Yeah, it goes without saying." - I can't tell whether my new car's suspension is amazing, or if I'm a sociopath Either way when I ran over that pedestrian I didn't feel a thing.
- Got a new car for my girlfriend, best trade I ever made.
- My friend came crying to me after he crashed his brand new Swedish car But I didn't want to hear his Saab story
- Just Bought the new Dodge Hornet EV and ended up with two cars Dealer said I also needed a Dodge Charger
- What do you call mixed emotions? Watching your mother-in-law reverse off a cliff in your brand new car
- Today I saw a car parked with a bumper sticker that said "I miss New york" So I smashed his window in and stole his radio.
- Bought my wife a beautiful big diamond ring. She asked, "Why didn't you buy me a new car ?"
I told her, "They don't make fake cars." - Really hate having to wait till September to drive my new car. Shouldn't have bought an autumnobile.
Sorry.
Self Driving Cars Jokes
Here is a list of funny self driving cars jokes and even better self driving cars puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My self-driving car keeps getting pulled over... ...I knew I shouldn't have got it in black
- AMD should make a self-driving car... ...because they specialize in creating things that don't come with drivers.
- Apple and Google are both working on self driving cars. Personally I don't think I want to ride in a car without Windows.
- Apple has successfully created a self driving car However, they are having problems installing windows.
- Why did nVidia built the first self-driving car? (on all conditions) Because their drivers keep crashing.
- I get self conscious about driving my lowered car at times. I feel like other motorists are always looking down on me.
- The first self driving commercial cars license plate should be... 'AFKBRB'
- Did you hear about the first death caused by a self driving car? The police never pressed charges though, because they couldn't determine it's automotive.
- I never really understood what the "blue screen of death" meant But when my self driving car had one the name started making a lot more sense
- [Warning: Nerdy] Two self driving cars lost control on the freeway and crashed, killing 4. Experts say it was caused by a race condition.
Bumper Cars Jokes
Here is a list of funny bumper cars jokes and even better bumper cars puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I put a bumper sticker on my car that says "honk if I'm pretty" Sometimes when I'm sad I go park at green lights
- I was travelling on the West Coast when I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that said: "I miss Detroit" ...so I broke a window, stole the radio, and left a note that said, "Hope this helps."
- Missing South Africa In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I miss South Africa."
So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read:
"I hope this helps." - Those "Run Hillary, Run!" bumper stickers are selling incredibly well Democrats put them on the back of their cars, Republicans put them on the front!
- Black Car I want a black car with a bumper sticker that says "I'm not racist, my car is black."
- I just crashed into the back of a dwarf driver.... He gets out of the car inspects the rear bumper and goes up my window. "I'm not happy" he said "well which one are you then?"
- The best way to disguise an undercover cop car would be to put a Black Lives Matter bumper sticker on it. Nobody's gonna think thats a cop car now.
- Heading to work this morning there was a car parked on the train tracks, with a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus!" That train engineer must have REALLY loved Jesus.
- I'm going to the inaugural meeting of the Dodgem Car Appreciation Society later.
They're expecting a bumper crowd. - A carny invited me back to her place for a good time last night... She wasn't kidding, there were bumper cars, a ghost train and a mechanical bull. I had a blast!
Disney Cars Jokes
Here is a list of funny disney cars jokes and even better disney cars puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- JUST ANNOUNCED: Disney in talks of a Star Wars - Back to the Future crossover where Marty flies so far back in time (long, long ago) that he fuses with his car He becomes the ManDeLorean
- Rick Astley asked for my Disney films the other day. I said, you can have Cars and Toy Story, but I'm never gonna give you Up.
- Why did Walt Disney visit a mechanic? He wanted to get his Car tuned
- Chuck Norris bought out the Walt Disney Company with a car-wash token.
Ridiculous Cars Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
What funny jokes about cars you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cargo jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cars pranks.
If cars were replaced by horses, what would replace gas stations?
Grass stations
A woman scanned the guests at a party...
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. 'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men. What's your name?', she asked.
The man replied, 'B. J. Titsengolf''
2 cars had a head-on collision in Mexico today..
34 people died.
I found this on sickipedia complain if you want
A man is working as a taxi driver He just started his job He went and picked someone up about halfway through the journey the man taps him on the shoulder At this point The taxi driver freaks swerves nearly misses a bus and two cars and crashes into a building. The passenger says "Sorry I didnt know a small tap could scare you that much" The taxi driver replies "No sorry it's my fault I used to work as a hearse driver"
Itchipussy
A cougar had just finished purchasing groceries. The clerk asks if she would like any help out. The woman, seeing the bag boy was an attractive young man, she says she would. In the parking lot she sees her chance to make a move, and does:
Woman: (whispers) Hey cutie, I've got an itchipussy.
Bag boy: Look lady, all these Japanese cars look alike to me, you'll have to point it out.
Drunk people are always fascinating
A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars.
The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? " he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it. "
"So how does feeling the roof help you? " He asked the drunk.
"Well," the drunk replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!! "
I'm really good with cars, man.
I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's going. - Mitch Hedberg
Why doesn't Switzerland make good cars?
You can only put them in neutral.
Why do Boston police cars have blue lights?
Because Boston drivers don't stop for red lights.
A gynecologist decides to make a career change...
He always loved cars, and because he made so much money, salary really didnt matter to him. He decides to become a mechanic. He approaches his local shop and inquires about a job. "You need to get certified first" says the head mechanic, "ill give you the test myself, in the shop."
The doctor studies day and night and finally feels ready for his practical exam.
He comes in and is asked to fix the transmission and engine of a beaten down, old car.
After the test, he is seated in the office and the head mechanic comes in.
"Congratulations doctor, you scored 150 out of 100 points"
"im confused" the doctor says, "how did i get 150 out of 100"
"well..." the mechanic says "you fixed the engine perfectly, so thats 50. You also fixed the transmission perfectly, for another 50"
"Great! But where did the last 50 come from?"
"I gave you a bonus. You did it all through the exhaust pipe"
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.
The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"
The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest
"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.
He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks
"Not until after the cops get here. "
Why are cars faster than motorcycles?
Because motorcycles are two tired.
Where are average cars made?
The satisfactory.
Los Angeles announced plans to lease 288 all-electric police cars. Do you know where they'll use them?
In Watts.
I'll see myself out now.
A man walking in the street sees a coffin bouncing toward him
Terrified, he runs away, between cars, through front yards, nothing works
Finally, he runs into a pharmacy, and out of desperation throws a bottle of cough syrup at it
Only then does the coffin' stop
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who is calling?
The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.
p**... answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."
There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said p**....
''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked p**...
''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said p**... and hung up the phone.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Where do s**... cars store their w**...?
In potholes.
Why are European cars the lightest?
because there's no Americans sitting in them.
I treat my women like I treat my super cars
I enjoy them a lot and they only exist in my dreams
There was an accident involving 2 cars in mexico
17 people were injured.
A Saudi prince has come forward saying that they should end the ban placed on women driving in the kingdom.
Interesting, just in time when all global tech giants are in the final stage of trials of their self-driving cars.
What video game system do police officers play in their cars?
Wii U, Wii U, Wii U...
Dad, why is my cousin called Porsche?
Dad: Because her father likes Porsche cars.
Son: Thanks dad.
Dad: You're welcomed, young boy.
Yesterday I watched the movie Carrrs.
Well, it was just Cars, but I pirated it.
Volkswagon were pretty dumb to name one of their cars 'Golf'
Why name a car after a slow and boring sport where the hardest part is driving
What do you call a group of cars playing instruments?
A Traffic Jam
My dad used to say, girls are like cars...
The younger, the better! But then again, he's in jail...
Cars 3 Prediction.
Mcqueen's driving in the woods. There's no one around and his phone is dead. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots him: Shia LaBus.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My son wanted me to buy him GTA
When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"
He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf
I was wondering why people keep looking at the cars while crossing the road
Then it hit me.
What do cars eat on their toast?
Traffic Jam.
Back in the Sovjet days a guy wants to buy a car
The guy goes up to the counter at the Ministry of buying cars.
Guy: I would like to buy a car.
Clerk: Sure thing but it will take 10 years for processing your request. Come back then and your car will be ready for you.
Guy: Ok, morning or afternoon?
Clerk: Huh? what difference does it make, it´s 10 years from now?
Guy: Well, the plumber is coming in the morning.
Credit goes to Ronald Reagan
What did the muslim man say as he was driving recklessly and passing other cars at dawn?
"Sorry, gotta go fast"
Parking a single car doesn't require much space.
But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.
A blonde...
...works in a petrol station filling up cars. One day, a spaceship with 'UFO' written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flied off.
The blonde's boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.
"Do you know what 'UFO' stands for?" He asks.
"Of course." She replies, "Unleaded Fuel Only".
credits to u/Mr-Everest
4 out of 5 dentists say brushing alone is not enough.
That's why I do it on crowded subway cars.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
We're told men with large feet have large d**... and men with big cars have small d**...
You would almost think these stereotypes were conceived by clowns.
Where were thr first gas cars invented?
In Africa, they Madagascar.
When my grandfather came to America he was told the streets were paved with gold
And when he got to America he found out three things:
1. That the streets were not paved with gold
2. That the streets were not paved
3. That he was gonna be the guy paving them
[old Shelley German joke, told by Lorne Michaels in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee]
A Boy Scout decided to start a business fixing horns on cars and trucks…
He called it "Beep Repaired."
What cars does Conor McGregor love?
Dodge Challengers
Three children talking to each other...
The 1st kid : "My dad loves cars, so he is a car driver."
The 2nd kid : "My dad loves buses, so he is a bus driver."
The 3rd kid(not sure what his dad loves) : "My dad always screws up,so he is a screwdriver."
Pixar movies over the years
What if toys had feelings?
What if bugs had feelings?
What if monsters had feelings?
What if fish had feelings?
What if superheroes had feelings?
What if cars had feelings?
What if rats had feelings?
What if robots hadd feelings?
What if boy scouts had feelings?
What if gingers had feelings?
What if feelings had feelings?
What if dinosaurs had feelings?
What if Mexicans had feelings?
We should raise insurance rates on drivers who have never crashed their cars.
They're driving wrecklessly.
What do Tesla cars smell of?
Elon's Musk! (thanks 7 year old son!)
My Dog is always chasing people in cars
I'm not gonna stop him, but I'm just confused about how he learned to drive
100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses
Oh how the stables have turned
How many cars does it take to fill up a parking garage?
A lot.
I was in a bar the other day, when a girl asked me, What do you do? I responded, I race cars. Screeching with excitement, she shot back, Do you win many races!? I sighed...
No, the cars are much faster.
Communist cars are unreliable.
They're always Stalin.
Did to hear about the theif who was stealing the tires off of police cars?
They're working tirelessly the catch him!
I've discovered some similar thing between cars and humans.
The older they are, the more maintenance is required.
All cars support LGBT community.
Afterall, they all have a trans mission.
I bumped into an old school friend the other day.
He seemed to be doing very well for himself, fancy clothes, new car. You could tell he was now very successful and wealthy.
I asked him how he had been doing and he said great, I've got loads of money, fancy cars and a big house.
I asked him how he came to be so rich and he replied I've been using animal carcasses and boiling them down to a concentrate and selling that for a profit. I've made a killing on the stocks market.
So, a Frenchman, an American and a Russian are at a car show.
Frenchman looks at the show car and says "we French also have good cars. At home we drive Citroen, but when we go abroad we drive the luxurious Renault".
The American agrees, and says "we also drive Ford pickups at home, but abroad we drive Cadillacs to impress".
The Russian thinks for a bit and says: "_da_, in Russia we drive Lada. In other countries, we drive T-72."
In the 80's we used to think in 2020 we'll have flying cars cities on other planets, blah blah blah....
But No! Here we are, teaching people how to wash hands !!!
A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...
They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The patrons at the bar are amazed and even the Jedi has to admit it's a nice ride. They both end up saying it's a Good Car. The Mandalorian walks around the corner and after a few minutes comes screaming back on his jet pack and blows up the other cars. He has the Beskar.
A man has been stealing wheels of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him
Note: saw it on 9gag but I had to share it because I literally was laughing out loud
In the Cars movie series, they have a place called Radiator Springs.
Now, radiators are vital components in cars, so I find it's a very weird name decision for a city.
Its like calling a human city "Liver pool".
What do clowns fill their cars with?
Laughing gas!
-----------
This has probably been made before, but I just thought of it after my mom, while doing her crossword puzzle, said aloud "fuel for a funny car" and I suggested laughing gas. It wasn't the right answer, unfortunately.
A wake for my mother-in-law
Two rural gentlemen were chatting. One says, "Say, I noticed a lot of cars at your house on Saturday night. Were you having a party or something?"
"No," responds the second man. "Tragically last week one of my mules kicked my mother in law in the head, and she died suddenly"
"Oh, No!" says the first man. "So were the people there to pay their final respects?"
"No," says the second man. "Once news started to spread about the incident, men from all over the county started coming over asking if they could borrow my mule."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
RoboCop: you are under arrest!
"before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them?"
**RoboCop:** I'm going to let you off with a warning
Before Elon Musk got into electric cars...
... he was plain old Lon Musk
I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.
It was an auto body experience.
How does the Hulk make extra money?
He flips cars.
The Soviet Union attempted to sell cars.
Unfortunately Stalin was their biggest problem.
A 70 year old man asked his wife: "do you feel sad when u see me running after the young girls?"
wife replied : no, not at all. every dogs chase cars they can't drive
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I heard germany is going to make robot driven cars i**... in their highways
It's going to be called auto-ban
What do pasta and cars have in common?
I don't like either al dente
Did you hear that in the next fast and the furious movie they're getting rid of those long fin things on the back of the cars
Ah sorry, spoilers
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......
One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"
The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...
Knock knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana, who?
WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU ABOUT YOUR CARS EXTENDED WARRANTY.
Homemade and 100% organic
Since it's my cake day, I'll give y'all a joke that I created by myself. One that tickles me.
Two car salesman were talking to each other about their sales. They were really impressed with the commissions they were making with electric cars. Then, one of them asked, "Why doesn't Dodge sell any electric vehicles?". The other salesman said, "That would be dumb. If they sold electric vehicles, they would have to give away a free Dodge Charger with each purchase!"
What do governments and modern cars have in common?
1. They're full of airbags.
2. They're full of features that nobody wants.
3. They're impossible for the average person to fix.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan!
Ivan who?
I'van trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A third-grade science teacher asks her students, "If you could have one substance in the world, what would it be?"
"I would have gold," says Harold. "Why?" asks the teacher. "Well," says Harold, "I could sell the gold and buy a fancy car."
"I would have platinum," says Susie. "Why?" asks the teacher. "Well," says Susie, "I could sell the platinum and buy two fancy cars."
"I would have hair," says Johnny. "Why?" asks the teacher. "Well," says Johnny, "my mom has a tiny s**... of hair between her legs, and you should see all the fancy cars outside our house!!!"
Apple's cars will not be that popular...
Because they don't support windows
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My mechanic tried to scam me because he didn't think I knew about cars
I took my car to get an oil change and they were like would you like us to rotate your tires? I was like Ummm. I rotated them a bunch on the way over j**...!
