Ridiculous Cars Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
Given that a radiator is essentially a vital o**... to a car, it's strange that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."
It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."
A woman scanned the guests at a party...
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. 'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men. What's your name?', she asked.
The man replied, 'B. J. Titsengolf''
2 cars had a head-on collision in Mexico today..
34 people died.
Rick Astley asked for my Disney films the other day.
I said, you can have Cars and Toy Story, but I'm never gonna give you Up.
A Very Nice Golfer
There are two men playing golf, at the end of the range you can see a f**... procession going by. As the hearse drives by followed by a few cars one man kneels down, takes off his hat and puts it over his heart, and says a prayer.
The man next to him says, "Well that's the nicest thing I've ever seen a golfer do!" The man stands up says "Well it's the least I could do, I was married to her for 35 years..."
Why were there only 3,000 Mexicans at The Alamo?
They only had 4 cars.
Itchipussy
A cougar had just finished purchasing groceries. The clerk asks if she would like any help out. The woman, seeing the bag boy was an attractive young man, she says she would. In the parking lot she sees her chance to make a move, and does:
Woman: (whispers) Hey cutie, I've got an itchipussy.
Bag boy: Look lady, all these Japanese cars look alike to me, you'll have to point it out.
A priest and a pastor...
... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'
They hold up the sign to cars passing by.
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.
From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
Drunk people are always fascinating
A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars.
The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? " he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it. "
"So how does feeling the roof help you? " He asked the drunk.
"Well," the drunk replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!! "
Why doesn't Switzerland make good cars?
You can only put them in neutral.
Why do Boston police cars have blue lights?
Because Boston drivers don't stop for red lights.
You can explore cars convertible reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean cars ford dad jokes. There are also cars puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A gynecologist decides to make a career change...
He always loved cars, and because he made so much money, salary really didnt matter to him. He decides to become a mechanic. He approaches his local shop and inquires about a job. "You need to get certified first" says the head mechanic, "ill give you the test myself, in the shop."
The doctor studies day and night and finally feels ready for his practical exam.
He comes in and is asked to fix the transmission and engine of a beaten down, old car.
After the test, he is seated in the office and the head mechanic comes in.
"Congratulations doctor, you scored 150 out of 100 points"
"im confused" the doctor says, "how did i get 150 out of 100"
"well..." the mechanic says "you fixed the engine perfectly, so thats 50. You also fixed the transmission perfectly, for another 50"
"Great! But where did the last 50 come from?"
"I gave you a bonus. You did it all through the exhaust pipe"
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.
The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"
The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest
"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.
He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks
"Not until after the cops get here. "
Why are cars faster than motorcycles?
Because motorcycles are two tired.
A man walking in the street sees a coffin bouncing toward him
Terrified, he runs away, between cars, through front yards, nothing works
Finally, he runs into a pharmacy, and out of desperation throws a bottle of cough syrup at it
Only then does the coffin' stop
Who is calling?
The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.
p**... answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."
There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said p**....
''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked p**...
''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said p**... and hung up the phone.
Apple and Google are both working on self driving cars.
Personally I don't think I want to ride in a car without Windows.
Where do s**... cars store their w**...?
In potholes.
Why are European cars the lightest?
because there's no Americans sitting in them.
Those "Run Hillary, Run!" bumper stickers are selling incredibly well
Democrats put them on the back of their cars, Republicans put them on the front!
A Saudi prince has come forward saying that they should end the ban placed on women driving in the kingdom.
Interesting, just in time when all global tech giants are in the final stage of trials of their self-driving cars.
What video game system do police officers play in their cars?
Wii U, Wii U, Wii U...
Dad, why is my cousin called Porsche?
Dad: Because her father likes Porsche cars.
Son: Thanks dad.
Dad: You're welcomed, young boy.
My son wanted me to buy him GTA
When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"
He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf
I was wondering why people keep looking at the cars while crossing the road
Then it hit me.
What do cars eat on their toast?
Traffic Jam.
Back in the Sovjet days a guy wants to buy a car
The guy goes up to the counter at the Ministry of buying cars.
Guy: I would like to buy a car.
Clerk: Sure thing but it will take 10 years for processing your request. Come back then and your car will be ready for you.
Guy: Ok, morning or afternoon?
Clerk: Huh? what difference does it make, it´s 10 years from now?
Guy: Well, the plumber is coming in the morning.
Credit goes to Ronald Reagan
Parking a single car doesn't require much space.
But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.
Women are like hurricane...
...when they're coming, they are nice and wet. When they're leaving, they take cars, houses...
A blonde...
...works in a petrol station filling up cars. One day, a spaceship with 'UFO' written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flied off.
The blonde's boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.
"Do you know what 'UFO' stands for?" He asks.
"Of course." She replies, "Unleaded Fuel Only".
credits to u/Mr-Everest
A kid asked his dad..
Kid: Dad, what is an alcoholic?
Dad: You see these 4 cars, an alcoholic would see 8 cars.
Kid: But there are only 2 cars.
To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads.
We don't care how many heart attack victims you have to take to the hospital.
Where were thr first gas cars invented?
In Africa, they Madagascar.
A Boy Scout decided to start a business fixing horns on cars and trucks…
He called it "Beep Repaired."
A duck was standing on the curb
Cars zoomed past the duck while he waited for a break in traffic. A chicken walked up to him and said "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
Three children talking to each other...
The 1st kid : "My dad loves cars, so he is a car driver."
The 2nd kid : "My dad loves buses, so he is a bus driver."
The 3rd kid(not sure what his dad loves) : "My dad always screws up,so he is a screwdriver."
Pixar movies over the years
What if toys had feelings?
What if bugs had feelings?
What if monsters had feelings?
What if fish had feelings?
What if superheroes had feelings?
What if cars had feelings?
What if rats had feelings?
What if robots hadd feelings?
What if boy scouts had feelings?
What if gingers had feelings?
What if feelings had feelings?
What if dinosaurs had feelings?
What if Mexicans had feelings?
With self-driving cars
it won't be long before we have country songs where your truck leaves you too.
A cop pulls over a speeder
"Do you know how fast you were going?" the officer asks.
"130 km/h" the man answers
"why were you going 30 over the limit?" the cop asks, surprised the man admitted to speeding.
"I was keeping up with traffic!"
The officer looks up and down the road. "there's no other cars!"
"I know" says the man, "that's how far behind I am!"
100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses
Oh how the stables have turned
How many cars does it take to fill up a parking garage?
A lot.
I was in a bar the other day, when a girl asked me, What do you do? I responded, I race cars. Screeching with excitement, she shot back, Do you win many races!? I sighed...
No, the cars are much faster.
Why are women so bad at parking cars?
Because for the last 200 years they've been told that three inches are actually six.
In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list
On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"
The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 years. The guy replies "because the plumber is visiting in the morning".
Old Soviet insider joke. Pardon any English mistakes.
In the 80's we used to think in 2020 we'll have flying cars cities on other planets, blah blah blah....
But No! Here we are, teaching people how to wash hands !!!
A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...
They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The patrons at the bar are amazed and even the Jedi has to admit it's a nice ride. They both end up saying it's a Good Car. The Mandalorian walks around the corner and after a few minutes comes screaming back on his jet pack and blows up the other cars. He has the Beskar.
A man has been stealing wheels of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him
Note: saw it on 9gag but I had to share it because I literally was laughing out loud
RoboCop: you are under arrest!
"before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them?"
**RoboCop:** I'm going to let you off with a warning
How does the Hulk make extra money?
He flips cars.
Did you hear that in the next fast and the furious movie they're getting rid of those long fin things on the back of the cars
Ah sorry, spoilers
There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......
One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"
The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...
Bought my wife a beautiful big diamond ring.
She asked, "Why didn't you buy me a new car ?"
I told her, "They don't make fake cars."
Apple's cars will not be that popular...
Because they don't support windows
My mechanic tried to scam me because he didn't think I knew about cars
I took my car to get an oil change and they were like would you like us to rotate your tires? I was like Ummm. I rotated them a bunch on the way over j**...!
100 years ago everyone owned horses
And only the rich owned cars
Now everyone has a car,and only the rich own horses
The stables have turned
"Dad, how do you know if someone is an alcoholic?"
Dad: "You see those cars over there son? An alcoholic would see eight instead of four. "
"Dad, there's just two cars."
Don't you hate it when you get an Amber Alert
and you have to switch cars?
An officer sees a man leave the bar at closing time and walk in a drunken fashion, trying to enter each car parked there.
The officer thinks to himself I have got an easy catch. Meanwhile while this is going in, the other patrons enter their own cars and drive off.
When the drunken man finally climbs in his own car and pulls out, the cop is waiting for him and gives a breath analyser test.
To his surprise, it shows a reading of 0.0. Confused, the cop asks the driver, how?
To which the driver replies - Tonight, I am the designated decoy.
Someone has been stealing the wheels from local cop cars
The police are working tirelessly to catch them.
I wanted to tell my children a story about a ship that brings cars from one side of the river to the other
But then I noticed that they're too old for ferry tales.
Putin is held hostage by a t**....
A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:
Driver: What's going on?
Policeman: A t**... is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 mill rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations.
Driver: Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average.
Policeman: About a gallon.
100 years ago everybody rode horses around, and only the wealthy could afford cars
Today everybody drives cars, and only the wealthy can afford horses
Oh how the stables have turned
A son asks his dad, "Dad, what it is like to be drunk?"
The dad replies, "Well son, you see those two cars ahead of you. A drunk man would see four of them."
To that the son replies, "But dad, I can see only one car."
WANTED: Someone has stolen the wheels to the police cars
The police is working tirelessly to find the suspect
Why do blondes prefer to buy cars with sun roof?
Because there's more leg room.
A truck carrying synonym dictionaries has had an accident on the highway.
From the other cars, the passengers were shocked, tormented, amazed, incredulous, confused, paralyzed, stunned, bewildered, perplexed, amazed, dumbfounded, dumbstruck.
There's a t**... blonde giving quite a show to cars driving by in my neighborhood...
The garbage company told her to take her cans out by the side of the road on Tuesday mornings.
a gorgeous blond jumped out of her Porsche at an intersection and began shouting at me as our cars had touched ...
"Just ram me up the a**... why don't you" she shouted...
...And that Your Honour is where the confusion began. ..
Back in the day…..
The poor had horses and the rich had cars
Nowadays the poor have cars and the rich have horses
How the stables have turned
What's the difference between a c**... and a car?
There's a big market for used cars.
What do clown cars and catholic women have in common?
They like to show how many people can crawl out of them.
I can't be injured by cars.
The scientists said I have an autoimmune condition.
Have you heard about the guy stealing wheels of police cars?
The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
