Rib-Tickling Carry Jokes that Bring Friends Together
A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father,may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for
me? Under your robes perhaps?
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her..
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!
What does a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common?
They both can be used to carry vegetables....
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket
The husband picks up a case of Fosters and puts it in their trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $40 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $80 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts:
'So does 24 cans of Fosters, and it's half the price.'
A f**... rerun . . .
A f**... service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another f**... for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart...
...'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
The husband says, 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'
I've been crying a lot recently
It's shocking how many girls carry pepper spray
Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear?
Depends on how fast you can carry it.
Why do Arabs carry sandpaper everywhere?
Because they need a map.
Muslim Romance
A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage.
Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?", she asked.
"Yes," he replied, but to be fair, you were only nine at the time!
I'm sorry, you can't check your disobedient child on this flight.
Guess you'll have to carry on your wayward son
What's the difference between a c**... and a coffin?
Well, both carry stiffs, but one's for coming and the other's for going.
You can explore carry slung reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean carry bags dad jokes. There are also carry puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
My friend asked me why I carry my gun inside my house
I told him 'Decepticons.'
He laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed.
So I shot the toaster.
It was a good day.
During a f**......
The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another f**... for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
Why do British prostitutes always carry Vaseline?
Because their lips have so many chaps on them!
My wife asked my why i carry a gun in the house.
I looked at her and said "Decepticons". She laughed, i laughed, the toaster laughed, i shot the toaster. It was a good time.
Why don't feminists carry handguns?
Because of the triggers.
I'm sorry
Who's the most popular guy at a nudist colony?
The one that can carry 2 cups of coffee and a dozen donuts
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house.
"To fight the Decepticons," I said.
She laughed. I laughed.
The toaster laughed.
I shot the toaster.
Why do you need to carry radioactive materials in sealed, lead containers?
To stop it from falling out.
Who is the most popular guy in the nudist colony?
The one that can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts at the same time.
The most popular woman?
The one that can eat the 12th doughnut.
How do you get a Mexican across the border using only math?
Carry the Juan
Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen?
To draw blood.
Ted Cruz has aborted his campaign
..but I say he should be forced to carry it to full term
Inigo Montoya gets married
He tells his new wife that he has always wanted a son to carry on the family name. They try for several years, but never have any children. Upset, he takes her to Miracle Max to see what can be done. Miracle Max looks her over, asks some questions, consults his books, and comes back with the bad news. He tells Inigo that his wife will never bear children. It turns out that she's inconceivable.
I hate bikes that carry two people.
I can't tandem.
when i die i want my kids to carry my casket.
So they can let me down one more time.
What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
A leopard can carry something twice its weight into a tree
and a cougar can carry something half her age to bed.
Americans are getting stronger.
Fifty years ago, it took two people to carry twenty dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
After an attempted mugging, I started to carry a gun around with me
Now my muggings are more successful.
Why do men carry condoms instead of women?
Because by the time women found a c**... in their purses, kid would be 3 years old
why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo drizzle
Which is heavier, 200 pounds of brick, or 200 pounds of feather?
The feathers, because 200 pounds of bricks is just 200 pounds of bricks, but with the feathers, you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...
I told her, "Fear of the CIA".
She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo
Who's the most popular guy in the nudist camp?
The one who can carry two cups of coffee and nine donuts.
Who's the most popular lady in the nudist camp?
The one who can eat the last donut.
If you're going to drink and drive, always carry a flask in your car
If you get pulled over for a DUI, put the flask in your lap, suspiciouslyβ insist that it's "water," and that's when the officer finds out that's it's chloroform.
How to add extra fun during your amusement park ride ?
Carry some extra nuts and bolts with you.
as soon as the ride begins, Tap on the shoulder of the guy in front of you. Show them the nuts and bolts and ask
"Are these from your seat ? "
I begin to carry a knife since a robbery attempt a few years ago
Since them, is being a lot easier to rob people
Studies show that women who carry a little extra weight live longer
than the men who mention it.
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look s**... and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'
Why do slugs carry pepper spray when they go out late at night?
To protect themselves from a salt
So I got my concealed carry permit yesterday
So I got my concealed carry gun permit yesterday and then went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small caliber p**... for home protection. When I was ready to pay for the gun, the cashier said, s**... down, facing me. Making a mental note to complain about these new invasive gun control laws, I did as she instructed. After her hysterical shrieking subsided, I realized she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the reader. I still don't think I looked that bad.
My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.
And I answered, because of the decepticons!
She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.
It was a good time.
-
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When I die, I want all my exes to carry my coffin to the grave
So that they can let me down one last time
Why should you always carry arms with you?
They might come in handy.
A photon walks into a hotel and orders a room. The bellhop asks, Can I carry your baggage to your room for you?
The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
I was carrying my ukulele in its case at school and my friend asked, "You play an instrument?".
I replied, "Yeah, I play a little guitar."ο»Ώ
I invented a new golf ball that'll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches.
Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.
A woman was at the supermarket
A woman was at the supermarket with her kid and was about to check out. When she got to the cash register, all she had was a backpack. The clerk asked her why she wanted the backpack since her kid was still very young. She responded, "I'm going to stuff my kid in the backpack and carry him around." The people behind her in line gasped at how the lady said she was going to treat her kid. The clerk shrugged his shoulders and said, "Ok lady, whatever totes your goat."
A thief stole a sine and a cosine.
He took the two identities to a beach. However, they were too heavy for him to carry. Β He wanted to keep them under the sand, but the beach was so narrow that it could only contain one of them: sine or cosine.
He decided that, using his mathematical skills, that he would stack sine over cosine - but that resulted in tan! He did not want to get tan. So he stacked cosind over sine...
and then he got cot.
"Honey, do I look fat ?"
Asked the wife as she stood in front of the mirror.
"No, not at all..", the husband replied, "You look fabulous !!"
Wife, blushing, "Really ! Will you carry me to the fridge ? I want to eat some ice cream.. "
Husband, now visibly scared; "Don't you worry babe, just relax here ! I will just go get the fridge.. "
How can you tell good cops from bad cops?
Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.
I always carry pictures of my wife and kids in my wallet
It reminds me why no money is in there
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house
I said decepticons.
She laughed, I laughed, my microwave laughed.
I shot the microwave.
The World Health Organisation has confirmed canines do not carry the virus and can be released from pounds.
WHO let the dogs out.
I always carry this insulin injection with me.
My dear friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed to be very important to him that I had it.
Son, when I die, I want you to carry my coffin...
...So you can let me down one last time.
My wife was so sick today
that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make me some breakfast.
The average American has gotten stronger over time
In 1990 it took two adults to carry $10 worth of groceries. Now a 5-year-old can do it.
I always carry a stone with me that I use to throw at people who play Christmas music in October.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
If we want Congress to agree we should just replace the people with horses
Sure the neighs would carry every vote. But hay, at least the housing market would be stable.
I'll show myself out
Guy goes to a fancy dress party in a green jumpsuit carry a woman by piggy back.....
Doorman: You can't come in mate, you're not in fancy dress
Guy: Yes I am, I'm a tortoise
Doorman: well I can see you're wearing green, but what's with the woman on your back?
Guy: That's Michelle....
I invented a new golf ball for amateurs that will automatically go in the hole if you get it within four inches.
Disclaimer: Do not carry it in your back pocket!
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
When I was young, I brought a pie to the USA, a pie to Russia, and a pie to North Korea.
All because my maths teacher told me to carry pie to 3 dismal places.
Why are there pyramids in Egypt?
They are too heavy to carry to the British Museum.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.
I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, Hey sweetheart, why don't you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing total distance travelled?
Well don't you know, she loved my suggestion!
It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast⦠now I do it in 5.
My project manager posted in linkedin 'When I die,I want my developers to carry my coffin so that they can put me down one last time"
I commented on that post
"For the first time ,you have mentioned the requirements clearly".
Honey, am I fat?
"No darling! You are not fat. You're skinnier than on the day of our wedding."
"Honey I'm hungry, can you carry me to the fridge?"
"Just a second darling. I'll bring the fridge to you."
Why are there pyramids in Egypt?
Because they're too heavy to carry to England.
Why the great pyramids are in Egypt?
Because they were to heavy too carry of to the British museum.
A f**... service is held for a lady who just passed away.
As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
They have another f**... for her.
At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, Watch out for the wall!
Headless Bikers
Two old farmers are walking down a road when they hear a motorcycle behind them but are shocked when the driver passes them and the biker is headless. The two men look at each other and shrug. They continue down the road and a bicyclist comes up behind them and he, too, is headless.
The two old men continue to walk down the road, when the one walking along the inside turns to the other one.
You know, Allen, I think maybe you should carry that scythe on your other shoulder
A f**... service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
Suddenly, a faint moaning is heard from the casket. The casket is opened, and it is found that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.
They have another f**... for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
I carry a notice with me to let other people know about my anxiety disorder.
It's my social insecurity card
Americans are getting stronger
Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry $50 worth of groceries. Today, A 5-year old can do it.
Which is heavier? 1kg of steel or 1kg of feathers?
The feathers because you have to carry the weight of what you did to those birds.
Yo mama so big, the stork couldn't carry her...
They needed a *crane*.
Why do pirates always carry a bar of soap?
So just in case they go overboard they can wash up on shore!
Arrrrgh
The great thing about inflation,
is if you spend the same on groceries,
the bags are lighter and easier to carry home.
Americans are getting stronger; 20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries.
Today, a 5 year-old can carry them!
How does a duck carry his school books?
Bwack pwack
11 People on a rope
11 people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave.
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said the she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping...
So I was at my local store...
So I was at my local store and watched the bag packer bring an old ladies groceries out to her car. When I got to the checkout I said, "can you carry my groceries out to my car?". The bag packer said, "sure sir, why not".
We traveled across the car park and when we arrived at my car I said, "you know, I probably could have carried my own groceries to my car but I'm kind of lazy"
He said, "I kind of gathered that sir, here's your snickers"
For those people who still carry their selfie stick with them on their travels, I have one thing to say.
I hope you take a long hard look at yourself.
A guy is record shopping at a local music storeβ¦
and goes up to the clerk and says I'm looking for that classic 90s Seattle grunge sound on vinyl if you carry it. Clerk says reluctantly, I'm sorry the only styles we carry are children's, Christian, classical, or folk. The man looks puzzled and becomes a tad irate. He responds back saying, You mean to tell me that the only categories you carry here are children's, Christian, classical, or folk? The cashier looks at the guy and says, Well yeah, there's no alternative.
Yeah I carry a gun on me at all times
You have to these days ... because you never know when some psychopath is gonna come up to you and say ...
..."you're fired."
\-Dave Attel
Always carry a whiskey flask in case of a snake bite.
With that in mind, always carry a small snake. ~ W.C. Fields
Why did the psychic carry a book to the top of a tree on the beach?
To practice palm reading.
One day a man noticedβ¦
a chicken would come into his house, take a book from the bookshelf in its beak and carry it off into the woods behind his house.
The next day, the chicken came back and got another book, disappeared into the woods. This went on for a few days.
Finally the guy followed the chicken into the woods. Came to a clearing where there was a huge pile of books, with a frog sitting nearby. The man watched as the chicken spat the book onto the ground and said 'Book, book, book'.
The frog saidβ¦'Reddit, reddit'.
A family go to the zoo
They're excited to see all the exotic animals, birds & reptiles. The first enclosure is empty, totally deserted. Unperturbed they carry on to the next one.. again it's empty!
Every single enclosure, cage, run and avery they encounter is empty, deserted and unkempt..
Except, right beside the exit is the last one; a single small solitary cage.
And in it sat a small furry creature.. a dog!
The father looked at it and it occurred to him,
"This is a shih tzu!"
Go to health
A recent study shows that women who carry a few extra pounds tend to live longer than men who mention it.
