Carried Jokes
89 carried jokes and hilarious carried puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about carried that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Carried Short Jokes
Short carried jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The carried humour may include short carrying jokes also.
- Why will the congress never impeach Trump? Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
- I invented a new golf ball that'll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches. Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.
- Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet. Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
- My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house... I told her, "Fear of the CIA".
She laughed, I laughed, the amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo - Americans are getting stronger; 20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries. Today, a 5 year-old can carry them!
- My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house. And I answered, because of the decepticons!
She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.
It was a good time.
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- - A plane carrying Donald Trump made an emergency landing in New Orleans after alleged engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico. Turns out there was just a loud whine coming from the right wing.
- A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified... "See? See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?"
The sheep says "Myyyyyyyy god. You weren't lying..." - I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
- What's heavier, a ton of brick or a ton of feathers? A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
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Carried One Liners
Which carried one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with carried? I can suggest the ones about brought and carriage.
- How can you tell good cops from bad cops? Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.
- Why don't feminists carry handguns? Because of the triggers.
I'm sorry - when i die i want my kids to carry my casket. So they can let me down one more time.
- Why are there pyramid in Egypt? They are too heavy to carry to the British Museum.
- What's the #1 rule of kidnapping prevention? Don't get carried away.
- I've been crying a lot recently It's shocking how many girls carry pepper spray
- Why are there pyramids in Egypt? Because they're too heavy to carry to England.
- Yo mama so big, the stork couldn't carry her... They needed a *crane*.
- why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle
- How does a duck carry his school books? Bwack pwack
- Why do Arabs carry sandpaper everywhere? Because they need a map.
- What do you call an Iraqi father carrying all the groceries? Baghdad.
- What happens if Mike Tyson carries around Mjölnir all day? He gets thor arms!
- Why should you always carry arms with you? They might come in handy.
- Why do accordionists always carry a pencil? To draw a crowd.
Howlingly Hilarious Carried Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about carried you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean transmitted jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make carried pranks.
I was going to tell a mean joke about EMT's but I didn't wanna get...
... carried away.
Have you ever been in a Schindler's Lift?
If you have, then did you ever feel that it could have carried more people?
An investigation was carried out by a foundry...
since somehow people were getting a hold of their new ingots before they started selling them publicly. They investigated the entire foundry and found out that the man in charge of working the furnace was selling the ingots illegally, under the table. This only proves that he who smelt it, dealt it.
(fyi I don't know anything about metalworks or smelting at all. If I used any of these terms incorrectly, sorry.)
Twice a week, a Belgian riding a bicycle crossed the German border...
And he always carried a suitcase filled with sand.
Each time, the customs officials searched his suitcase for contraband, but always in vain.
Sometimes, they even emptied all the sand out, expecting to find some i**... item.
They racked their brains but never found anything.
It was many years later, long after the Belgian had vanished from the scene that they learned the truth.
He had been smuggling bicycles.
Two Australian Cops
What do you call a reconnaissance mission carried out by two Australian cops?
An Outback Stakeout!!!
*awkward cough*
Yo momma so fat,
...she can't even be emotionally carried away.
Shower s**... in Detroit
In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had s**... in the shower.In the survey, carried out for a leading toiletries outfit, 86% of Detroit residents said that they have had, if not enjoyed, s**... in the shower. The other 14% said they haven't yet served any time in prison.
My 18-month old son fell asleep on my lap today...
So I carried him upstairs, laid him down and went back downstairs to relax for another 20 minutes or so. Everyone on the bus must have thought I was an awful parent.
I went to a store that carried only three items
It was an inconvenience store
I came home drunk at 3 in the morning.
"I told you to stop drinking at midnight," she shouted.
"I did," I replied.
She said, "Well, why are you so drunk then?!"
I said, "Because I carried on at 12:01."
I used to think that "Lacrosse"...
Was what the French called that thing that Jesus carried on his back.
I just saw a man pick up a screaming child and take her to his van.
Man, kids are getting carried away these days.
A couple after a divorce are at court over who could keep the child.
So the mother goes:" i carried that child for 9 long months and gave birth to it under a lot of pain. I should keep it.
The judge asks the father if he has anything to add.
The father calmly replies:" let me explain this situation with a metaphor; if you walk up to a coca-cola machine, put in a dollar and a coke comes out, does the coke belong to you or the machine?"
What do an optimist and a paraplegic have in common?
They're not carried by *defeat*
Divorce custody
A couples divorce proceedings are in progress, and the case of who gets custody of their 4 year old child gets raised.
The mother pleads her case: "I'm the mother, I carried her for 9 months so of course she should stay with me."
The father responds: "if I go to an ATM machine, and I insert my card, and money comes out, does the money belong to me or to the machine?"
Shall I tell you the joke about the kidnappers?
I'd better not. You might get carried away.
An al-Qaeda s**... bomber carried out his mission...
And made it to heaven, where he found 72 virgins. Turns out they were all guys playing world of Warcraft.
A man goes to the Doctor
*Guy*: Doctor, My girlfriend is
pregnant but we always used double
protection. Then, how is it possible?
*Doctor*: Let me tell you a story to make you realize that it is possible.
"There was a Hunter who always carried a
Gun wherever he went.
One day, he took his Umbrella instead of his
Gun and went out.
A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him.
In order to scare the Lion, the hunter used the Umbrella like a
Gun and shot the Lion, the Lion collapsed & died!
*Guy*:This is totally Nonsense!!
"Someone else must
have shot the Lion"
*Doctor*: Good!! You understood the Story. Next patient please... .
Note: My friend just told me this joke so I'm not sure if it's been here before
What do you call a covert assasination mission carried out by North Korea in another country?
A heart attack
I was gonna make a United Airlines joke about the doctor...
But it got carried away
I was a bit paranoid about my s**... prowess after catching my wife filling in a Cosmopolitan questionnaire -
"Is Your Man Bad In Bed?".
"It's just something to do when I'm bored" she protested.
"That's a relief," I replied, as I carried on thrusting.
So I was at the Red Cross...
Shopping for a stretcher. The assistant asked if I'd like try it out before I bought it. I thought "Nah, I don't wanna get carried away."
So how long are you in for? I asked my cell mate.
Only for a couple of minutes, then I'm usually done he replied as he carried on thrusting.
Bill Gates was being carried around the WhiteHouse by many Senators.
Asked them what was going on?
They said they were passing the bill.
A nice clean jewish joke
The young rabbi was an avid golfer. Even on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, he snuck out by himself for a quick nine holes.
On the last hole he teed off, and a gust of wind carried his ball directly over the hole and dropped it in for a hole in one.
An angel who witnessed this miracle complained to God, This guy is playing golf on Yom Kippur, and you cause him to get a hole in one? This is a punishment?
Of course it is, said the Lord, smiling. Who can he tell?
Why did the man in the stretcher apologize?
Because he got carried away.
The Titanic
So, not many people know, back in the 1900's mayonnaise was only made in Europe. The titanic carried 1200 cases scheduled for delivery in the port of Vera Cruz as her next dock after her stop in New York. What would have been the first largest shipment sadly went down with the ship. The Mexicans were so upset over the loss they still celebrate a day of mourning which we know now as sinko de mayo.
An MMO party walked into a bar
The barkeep asked why they carried their weapons in the bar
the party leader said "mimics"
The party laughed. The barkeep laughed. The table laughed.
We killed that table. It was a good time.
3 witch fugitives were cornered by police
The redhead yelled "AIR" and a gust of wind carried her to safety.
The brunette yelled "EARTH" and a tunnel to safety appeared underneath her.
The blonde yelled "FIRE" so the police did.
A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...
The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"
The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"
Guy: Doctor my girlfriend is pregnant but I always wear contraception and the rubber never breaks
Doctor: Let me tell you a story, there once was a hunter who always carried a gun with him. But one day he forgot his gun and brought an umbrella with him instead (cause it was raining). Then a lion jumped at him but he shot it with the umbrella
Guy: Nonsense, someone else must have shot the lion!
Doctor: Ahh, so you understood my story. Next!
Two Labradors were sitting in a Bar , drinking beer
The first Labrador whispers to the other " I went to bed with your mother , last night "
The second Labrador ignored it and carried on drinking beer.
The first Labrador shouts this time " did you hear me ? I went to bed with your mom , last night ? "
The other Labrador shook his head, sighed loudly and said " Go home Dad , you're drunk "
One time, I carried out an entire conversation with a man by speaking to him in Spanish while he spoke to me in Italian
It was the most romantic conversation I've ever had
I carried an egg around in my pocket for 3 days before it broke.
I'm just glad it's ova
What's the difference between a wicker basket and wicker box?
Wicker basket is what Little Red Riding Hood carried to Grandma's house.
Wicker box is what Elmer Fudd does to his girlfriend on special occasions.
I was walking along when I saw a sign on a door that said 'Pet Shop'.
So I gave it a little s**... and carried on walking.
Beethoven was a good composer, but let's not get carried away.
After all, he may have spent 44 years composing, but now he's on 191 years of decomposing.
I trust anyone who can pick me up
It's not a good rule, but it's carried me this far
Paul died. Six of his friends carried his coffin.
Paulbearers
..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.
Since then my muggings have been way more successful.
I bought a lifelike blow up s**... doll, it was so realistic it was like the real thing, I got carried away and gave it a love bite.
It f**... and went down on me.
Did you hear about the bird that carried a leek?
Never mind, its too Farfetch'd.
I couldn't afford to pay the priest who carried out my exorcism.
He repossessed my home.
What is the difference between a dead body and an Easter egg?
One is buried in a casket while the other is carried in a basket
P.s Got it from BoJack Horseman
She confronted jack, talking about the constant staring and following she recieved.
If the beanstalking carried on, she would have to call the police.
Bruce Wayne became a surgeon.
Whenever he carried out a surgery, he always asked the nurses to turn the lights off. This was extremely dangerous and unusual, so the nurses asked him why.
He said, "I operate in the shadows"
After a crazy night on the town, all I can remember before blacking out is paramedics approaching me with a stretcher.
I guess I got carried away.
Why was Neo's mom so good at math?
Because when she was pregnant, she carried the one.
Why are good gamers so fat?
Because they can't be carried
A Dungeons and Dragons Joke about the most fearsome of foes: Furniture
The barkeep asked why we carried weapons into his bar.
I said 'Mimics.'
The party laughed.
The barkeep laughed.
The table laughed.
We killed the table. Good times.
It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass m**.../s**... of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.
And anyway, the punchline's too long.
Who's the only soldier who doesn't have to give a salute to a 4-star general as he passes, and can give an order to that general and be absolutely certain that it will be carried out immediately?
A bomb tech specialist at a dead run.
This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.
He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
I was shocked when the Republicans wouldn't vote to convict Trump on his second impeachment.
The first time sure, they always insist a baby is carried to full term.
The second one however, shocking as they actually took care of the baby afterwards.
The only reason there are pyramids in Egypt
is because they are too heavy to be carried to the British Museum
My wife asked me why I carried a gun around the house…
I said Transformers
She laughed…
The toaster laughed…
Man bought a gun.
A few days later, the man goes to his therapist for a regular check-up.
Therapist: "why did you buy a gun? Do you feel unsafe in society or...?"
Man: "I got a gun because of my bird phobia"
Therapist: "I think you might be getting carried away"
Man: *firing into the ceiling* "Not without a fight!"
Church lady
There was a church lady who always was dressed very properly and always carried her bible with her. She had a bad habit of judging people and letting them know what she thought of them.
One day, she was riding on the crosstown bus and a drunk guy got on. There was only one seat left which was right next to the church lady.
She said to the man, you're a disgusting and smelly drunk. You're going straight to h**....
The man said Excuse me ma'am. I think I'm on the wrong bus.
The first potato to go to space was carried by the rocket Nick
Or, well, Spudnick
Murphy in London
Murphy found himself in the London underground subway station, at four o'clock in the morning. He walked along to the escalator, on the escalator it is written, Dogs must be carried on the escalator. he thought, God, where am I going to find a dog at this hour of the night?
Doctor's consultation.
Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..
A king's chef was sentenced to death, after serving terrible food one too many times...
On the day the sentence was to be carried out, the chef brought one of his cakes and presented it to the headsman, in the hopes it would encourage him to make the death quick and painless.
When the headsman returned home, his wife asked how the proceedings had gone.
"Awful taste but great execution."
A worldwide survey has been carried out with the following question:
*"PLEASE, GIVE US YOUR OPINION ON THE LACK OF FOOD IN THE REST OF THE World"* No result was achieved, since the following problems were facedduring the survey's implementation:
1. In Western Europe no one knew what is "lack"
2. In Africa no one knew what is "food"
3. In Eastern Europe no one knew what is "opinion"
4. In South America no one knew what is "please"
5. In the USA no one knew what is "rest of the world"
A vulture carried two dead raccoons onto an airplane.
The flight attendant looked at him and said, "Sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Did you hear about the coniferous Ent who carried the entire E Street Band to a 13 year old Make A Wish kid?
It's all over the newspapers – "SPRUCE BRINGS TEEN CONCERT"
Pregnant girlfriend
Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story: There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. To scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.
Doctor: Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.
What do you call the knife carried by your girlfriend?
A beyblade
Ole, Sven, and Nels came into the bar.
They were high-fiving each other, shouting, and generally having a celebration of some sort.
"Line 'em up," Ole shouted as the party continued.
They drank and carried on for hours. Finally the bartender's curiosity got the better of him. "Just what are you celebrating?" he asked.
"51 days! We did it in 51 days!" they responded.
"What did you do in 51 days?" he probed.
"Put the puzzle together," they replied. "51 days, and the box said 3-5 years!"
scared of flying
A friend of mine who was scared of flying and asked me one day: "What is the probability that
there will be a bomb on an airplane?" I responded that I really didn't know, but that it was certainly less than one in a million. So he asked: "Well, what is the probability that there are two bombs on an airplane?" I responded that (as long as these were independent events) it would be the square of the probability of having one bomb, which is 1 in a trillion
- a truly astronomical number. So, from that day forward he always carried a bomb with
him when he flew
Saw my doctor today and showed him the bleeding coming out of my a**....
He completely ignored me, and carried on pushing his shopping basket in Walmart
So I was at my local store...
So I was at my local store and watched the bag packer bring an old ladies groceries out to her car. When I got to the checkout I said, "can you carry my groceries out to my car?". The bag packer said, "sure sir, why not".
We traveled across the car park and when we arrived at my car I said, "you know, I probably could have carried my own groceries to my car but I'm kind of lazy"
He said, "I kind of gathered that sir, here's your snickers"
Mr.Rogers once was on a cruise ship, and fell overboard into the ocean
He was then carried safely to shore by a family of sharks.
A happy couple was once celebrating their first anniversary...
And during the entire celebration, the husband carried his wife on his back. When a friend asked why he was doing this, the man replied, "I'm a turtle." The friend then asked about his wife, to which he replied, "Oh, her? She's Michelle."
