carriage Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious carriage puns

Yesterday I saw a horse-drawn carriage

The proportions were a bit off but the shading and linework were quite remarkable.

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Sorry if this comes across as offensive...

Two dyslexic men attempt to rob a train.
One man shouts to the carriage "Air in the hands motherstickers!"
The other man shouts "This is a fuck up!"

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Four across...

Two men are sat completing a crossword puzzle on a train, sat across from them is a Priest. The first man starts to scratch his head, and he asks the man across from him:

"A word, four across, ending with unt..."

The other man asks him:

"Well, what's the clue?"

He replies:

"It just says 'a woman,' that's all."

"Aunt?"

"Ah, yes it is!"

The man looks down, nodding in agreement. Across the carriage a feeble voice, the Priest.

"Can I borrow an eraser?"

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Three strikes

Wild west. Newlyweds are on their way from the church in their carriage when the horse trips.

‒ "One", counts the husband, to the bewildered glance from his new wife, and they keep going.

Shortly, the horse trips again.

‒ "Two", counts the man, again receiving a puzzled look from his woman.

A little while later the horse trips for a third time.

‒ "Three!", proclaims the man, jumps off the carriage, walks over to the horse and shoots it dead.

The wife, shocked and appalled, runs up to the man and starts shouting at him:

‒ What *are* you doing!? You can't just get rid off something because it has made three mistakes, you can't apply a three-strike rule to everything you have in your life!!

The husband, calmly, looks at his wife and says:

‒ "One"...

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A man and his wife were riding to town on a horse driven carriage....(old one i heard from my grandpa)

they come upon a snake in the road. The horse refuses to move any further so the man gets down, throws the snake in the woods and gets the horse moving "that's one" he says. They continue down the path until they come upon a fallen tree, and the horse won't go around. So the man pushes and pushes on the tree to clear the path, climbs back on the carriage and says "that's two" he says and they go on their way. Then they come upon a river, shallow enough for them to cross but the horse simply won't go. So, the man climbs down, and attempts to make the horse go, but it just will not cross the water. The man says"that's three" and shoots the horse there on the spot. His wife, looking on in disgust says to him "that's the terrible! You didn't have to kill the horse! The man looks at her and says"that's one"

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A presidential aide says to Trump; "Sir, I had a dream about your parade yesterday night."

"Was it yuge?" Trump asked, visibly interested.

"Oh, yes," said the aide, "there were millions of cheering people turning out to celebrate all along the streets."

"Was it tremendous? Trump asked, visibly excited.

"Oh, yes," the aid replied; "You were in a huge carriage, flanked by all the members of your family and cabinet."

Trembling with excitement and rubbing his hands together, Trump questions the aide: "And tell me, was I looking hot?"

The aide replies: "I didn't know, sir. The casket was closed."

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On the train

I was sitting on the train this morning when a hot looking woman walked into the carriage in a tight, short skirt and a low cut top. As she sat down in the seat opposite me. I sat there thinking "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection"


Then she did.

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A man is taking his son for a walk...

A man takes his son for a walk in his carriage. As he pushes him along, the baby is screaming and crying.

He says "Calm down, Carl."

The baby continues to cry and make a scene.

"It's going to be okay, Carl," the father murmurs.

After a while, a woman approaches and starts speaking to him.

"You must really care about your son Carl to take him on a walk to calm him down."

"No, I'm Carl."

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Old Russian joke from Soviet times

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are all travelling together in a railway carriage. Unexpectedly, the train stops.

Lenin suggests: "Perhaps we should announce a subbotnik (volunteer work-program), so that workers and peasants will fix the problem."

Stalin puts his head out of the window and shouts, "If the train does not start moving, the driver will be shot!"

Khrushchev then chimes in, "Let's take the rails from behind the train and use them to lay the tracks in front".

Then Brezhnev says, "Comrades, Comrades, let's draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and pretend we're moving!"

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A man and a woman find themselves alone in a sleeper carriage

The man gallantly takes the upper bunk as they settle down for the train journey.

After a while the man feels a bit cold and asks the woman if she can pass up an extra blanket.

The woman thinks for a while and says in her sexiest voice 'why don't we pretend we are husband and wife for the night?'

After some reflection the man replies 'ok, yes, let's do that. Let's pretend we're husband and wife'.

The women immediately snaps back 'in that case, get your own fucking blanket you lazy bastard'.

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A man and a woman are sleeping in the same carriage...

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies.

"Get your own blanket."

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Donald Meets The Queen of England!

Together the Queen of England and Donald Trump proceeded to Buckingham Palace in a carriage drawn by six white horses. Regrettably, the rear horse let go of a putrid and lingering fart. The coach stunk like a sewage treatment plant, and the Queen turned to Donald and said: "Mister Trump, please accept my humblest apologies, but there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Donald quickly replied: "Please don't give it a second thought Your Majesty; but I must tell you, I really thought it was one of the horses".

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That has got to be the worst painting of a wagon I have ever seen

"It's a horse-drawn carriage", replied the artist.

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Hot woman with baby carriages

Isn't it just so dissapointing to see a beautiful girl with a baby carriage, the only consolation is when you notice that the baby is half black. Because then at least you know she's single.

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I saw a baby in a carriage holding a chocolate bar.

It's mother wasn't around. So i took it, tore it open and ate it, right in front of the chocolate bar.

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The doctor asks "Would you like to see the Misscarriage"?

"Of course I want to see my daughter," snaps Mr. Carriage.

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A question of chromosomes, don't ask him Y

A prince out for a ride in his carriage caught sight of a man who looked very much like him. He called the man over and asked him curiously,

Tell me, was your mother ever in the service at the palace?

Holding himself very straight, the commoner replied,

No, your majesty. But my father was.

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Cowboys and Indian.

One day two cowboys are riding down a road when they saw a Native man with his ear to the road.

These Indians are amazing. Said one cowboy. They can hear things from miles away.

As they rode closer they heard the man began to speak. Horse-drawn carriage pulled by two horses, one black and one white. It is driven by a man. His wife is beside him and a son and daughter are in the back.

That's incredible! How did you know all of that?

They ran over me two hours ago.

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The Queen takes the visiting pope for a ride in a carriage through London.

Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly. I am terribly sorry, apologizes the embarrassed Queen.
The pope replies, Oh don't worry, if you hadn't said anything, I'd just think it was the horse!

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The pope goes to meet the Queen of England...

They are parading in the streets of London in a horse-drawn carriage. Suddenly on of the horses let's out a big fart.

Queen: So sorry...

Pope: Oh! If you hadn't mentioned it, I would have thought it was the horse.

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So Cinderella was crying...

...when her fairy godmother shows up. She asks poor Cinderella, "What's troubling you, my dear?" "My sisters have all gone to the ball, but I can't! I have nothing to wear and no way to go..." cried Cinderella. "Oh fret not. Let me handle this for you," said the fairy godmother. "But first, you have to bring me all the pumpkins you can find."

So Cinderella set off to look for all pumpkins she could find and rolled them back. Then her fairy godmother turned 1 into a beautiful golden
carriage, 2 into majestic stallions, 2 into a beautiful pair of glass slippers and 1 into the most elegant and gorgeous white gown you could ever imagine. But Cinderella kept on crying.

"Why are you still troubled, sweetie? You've got everything you need to go to the ball!"

"But I... I... I'm on my period now. I can't wear that white dress," replied Cinderella.

"Don't worry honey," said her fairy godmother, and she turned to look at the garden, only to find the largest pumpkin left, which she turned into a tampon.

And at midnight, Cinderella died.

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Who's the most beautiful girl in the world who never managed to have children?

Miss Carriage

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What's the worst second name for a female teacher to have?

Carriage.

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What is the difference between a BMW and a baby carriage?

The baby carriage is the result of last year's fun on wheels.

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An old man is riding a carriage

He has a dog sitting next to him. Before they can return to his home village, they have a little hill to overcome. The ride uphill is difficult and slow, the horse is struggling, but eventually he makes it to the top. All exhausted, he suddenly says: "Damn, that was tough, my legs nearly fell off!" The old man visibly dumbfounded blurted out: "A talking horse!? Never seen something like that before!" The dog turns to the old man and says: "Neither have I."

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The Train Carriage Compartment

So, traveling by train through Europe were a Ukrainian man, a Russian soldier, an old lady, and a beautiful young woman. Naturally, there was some tension, and nobody spoke.

Then the train went into a tunnel, and everything, for a moment, was pitch dark.

There's the sound of a loud kiss, a slap, and when the train emerges from the carriage, the Russian soldier is nursing a very sore cheek.

The old lady thinks: "Serves him right! How dare he take advantage of that young woman in the dark!"

The young woman thinks: "Serves him right! But I wonder why he kissed the old lady instead of me?"

The Russian soldier thinks: "That cheeky Ukrainian. He kisses the young woman, and I'm the one who gets slapped."

The Ukrainian man thinks: "Ha! I kiss the back of my hand, and I get to slap a Russian soldier!"

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An old man with a huge and heavy suitcase.

An old man carrying a huge and heavy suitcase boards a train in Philadelphia on his way to New York City. He enters the first carriage, walks down the center aisle, and taps a fellow passenger on the shoulder.

Excuse me, do you like Jews?

Of course I do! Who doesn't like the people who gave us Jesus Christ, Albert Einstein, and Henry Kissinger? replies the passenger.

The old man thanks him, proceeds down the aisle, and taps the next man on the shoulder.

Excuse me, do you like Jews?

Certainly! Some of my best friends are Jews!

The old man thanks him and continues on his quest. All through that carriage, and the next one, and the one after that, he receives similar responses. Finally, at the end of the train, he reaches the last passenger.

Excuse me, do you like Jews?

Not at all! the fellow replies. Filthy kikes! I hate those fuckers!

At last, an honest man! exclaims the old man. Would you mind watching my suitcase while I go to the toilet?

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What do you call the teacher who lost her baby?

Miss Carriage

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Well the war was finally over, and...

A train full of soldiers was headed back from the front. In one carriage, a Colonel and a Corporal sat across from each other, and as the train rolled past a former battlefield, the Colonel sighed and told the Corporal that he'd once led a charge riding a great white stallion in that very spot...at least until the cowardly enemy shot the horse from under him and he had to go on by foot. Time passed and the train rolled on. Eventually the Corporal gestured out the window, saying, "Sir, if you look out you can see a large rock, and one time I made love to a farm girl there...at least until the cowardly enemy shot her out from under me and I had to go on by hand."

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A lorry carrying 25 tons of Vicks Vapour Rub has overturned on the M6, near Birmingham, spilling it's load onto the carriage way.

The Police have said, there will be no congestion for at least 12hrs.

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4 people in the carriage of a train – a Jew, a pretty young blond, an ugly old woman and a Muslim

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel.
In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Muslim is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks, I bet that Muslim fondled the blond in the dark and she slapped him.
The pretty young blond thinks, I bet the Muslim tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."
The Muslim thinks, I bet that dirty Jew fondled the blond in the dark, but the blond thought it was me and hit me.
The Jew thinks, I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that Muslim moron again."

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How did the inventor of the car advertise his new "horse-less carriage"?

He said it goes without a hitch!

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What did Cinderella say when her carriage turned into a pumpkin?

Oh my gord!

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The world's worst child nurse?

Ms. Carriage

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An Englishman and a Frenchman are sitting opposite a beautiful young woman and her mother on a train going through the Alps

The train passes into a tunnel and the carriage is suddenly plunged into darkness. A short while later, everyone hears a loud *slap*, and a cry of *zut alors*! When the train emerges, the angry Frenchman is rubbing his cheek.

The older woman thinks: "That dirty Frenchman must have tried to touch my daughter while she couldn't see who it was!"

Her daughter thinks: "That dirty Frenchman must have a thing for older women, and tried to touch my mother while she couldn't see who it was!"

The Frenchman thinks: "That dirty Englishman must have tried to touch that beautiful young woman while she couldn't see who it was, but she mistook him for me!"

The Englishman thinks: "I can't wait for the next tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."

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What are the most funny Carriage jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Carriage? Well, here are the best Carriage dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Carriage pick up lines to share with friends.

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