The Best 75 Carr Jokes

Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...

She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."
He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".

A police officer told me once: "We'll never forget 9/11".

I said: "Of course you won't, it's your phone number!"

​

\- Jimmy Carr

I said to my girlfriend, "Do you want to experiment with a role-play rape fantasy?"

She said, "**NO!**"

I said, "*That's the spirit!*" —Jimmy Carr

I have no problems with buying tampons...

I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present.

(Jimmy Carr)

Professional boxers usually will abstain from sex the night before a big fight....

...you might find this hard to believe, but they don't really like each other." - Jimmy Carr

Does anyone know any good rape jokes?

Jimmy Carr, "What do nine out of 10 people enjoy? / Gang rape.")

if men fall asleep directly after sex . . .

why is it so hard to catch a rapist?

-Jimmy Carr

p.s. never high five a rabbi

I'll tell you what I know about dwarfs!

Very Little

Courtesy of Jimmy Carr

When a man sleeps with a lot of women....

....he's called a stud. When a woman sleeps with a lot of men, she's called your mum.

-Another gem by Jimmy Carr

What did the carrot say to the DJ?

Lettuce Turnip The Beet

What did the carrot say to the wheat?

Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet.

I went to donate a kidney once..

I went in to donate a kidney once
but when I arrived at the hospital they asked me where I'd got it from

-Jimmy Carr

Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear?

Depends on how fast you can carry it.

I was walking down the street with my wife...

... when I saw my mother-in-law being beaten up by six men.

My wife said, "Aren't you going to help?"

I said, "Six should be enough."

*(Copyright Les Dawson, as retold by Jimmy Carr on QI.)*

Why do they carry Marines around on Naval ships?

Because sheep would be too obvious.

I would help you carry some of those bushes...

but I've already got two palms on my hands.

A carrot and a celery are walking down the street.

A car comes by and runs over the celery. The carrot picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. After waiting a long time the doctor comes out of the emergency room and the carrot jumps up and asks "Is he going to be okay?"

The doctor replies "Well... he's going to live, but he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

Osama bin laden

*ji had it coming.*

- Jimmy Carr "Big Fat Quiz 2011"

Why should you always carry toilet paper to the twilight zone?

Doodoo doodoo

How do you know carrots improve your vision?

Cause you've never seen any bunnies with glasses

Why did Carrie Underwood run out of cheese?

Because Jesus took the wheel.

Adolf Hitler has been judged very harshly by history however..

he did kill Hitler.
NB: stolen from Jimmy Carr

Why do you need to carry radioactive materials in sealed, lead containers?

To stop it from falling out.

I still carry a picture of my wife in my wallet

Been married 20 years, but I still carry my
wife's picture in my wallet.
Whenever I face difficulties in life, I take
out my wallet and stare at her picture.
And it comforts me knowing that...
If I survived being married to this psycho,
I can survive anything.

When comedian Jimmy Carr was told by an obese women "I think you're fatist," he responded, "No. I think you're fattest."

I was carrying some spaghetti as I walked past a priest..

You could say I moved some pasta past a pastor.

I recently wrote a book about poltergeists....

They're flying off the shelves!!!

(Credit goes to jimmy Carr on that one)

I was carrying the groceries in and had to make a second trip.

My girlfriend said to me, "real men don't make second trips." I said "they do to your mum's house."

why would you be a suicide bomber...

And wait for the 72 virgins in heaven... When you could become a catholic preist and have them now!

Source: Jimmy Carr

Carrie Fisher dead at 60.

Her last words were "aren't you a little short for a grim reaper."

A friend of mine asked me, "what rhymes with orange?"

I said, "no, it doesn't".

*Credit to Jimmy Carr.*

**

Why did Carrie Fisher enjoy doing her one-woman show?

Because she nailed that Solo.

Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...

Wham!

I always carry a bomb around with me ...

What is the likelihood of having two bombs in the same place at the same time?

Since Carrie Fisher's death, I feel sorry for Kylo Ren.

How will he fulfill the other half of his Oedipus complex now?

Say what you will about her, but Carrie Fisher died doing what she loved...

Drugs.

If I'm carrying around a USB stick

Do I have mobile data?

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well...

that way I can impress her with my balloon animals skills.

I saw that show, "50 Things To Do Before You Die"...

I would have thought the most obvious one was "shout for help"

~ *Jimmy Carr*

Carrots may improve your vision,

But alcohol doubles it.

Always carry some fiber cable with you when hiking

If you get lost, just bury it in the ground. A backhoe will be along shortly to cut the cable, and you can ask for directions.

Two carrots are walking together down the street,

One of them stepped onto the road and ended up getting run over by a car. The other carrot calls 911 and they take him to the hospital. After hours of waiting the doctor comes out
and says, "I have good news and bad news, the good news is your friend is going to make it, the bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life"

It's very easy to distract a fat person....

....it's a piece of cake!!!

Source: Jimmy Carr

Carry A Flashlight

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida.

"Is it true," the tourist asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

How do you know carrots are good for your eyesight?

Well, have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

Always carry a gun with you

That way if you get robbed you can just shoot your self, Inflicting years of mental trauma on them winning the fight in the long run

I was in a relationship with a blind girl...

It was hard because it took me so long to get her husband's voice just right.

^by ^Jimmy ^Carr

I carried an egg around in my pocket for 3 days before it broke.

I'm just glad it's ova

Carrot Stuck....

Is the past tense of Carrot Stick.

Unfortunately, my wife did not appreciate this as she was gesturing to her throat and coughing.

I always carrying a flashlight when I'm spelunking

Just in caves

Why should you always carry arms with you?

They might come in handy.

I just had to carry a box of photons

It was surprisingly light

What Africa Really needs

If only Africa had more mosquito nets

Then every year we could save millions

Of mosquitos from dying needless from aids

\- Jimmy Carr

I was carrying my ukulele in its case at school and my friend asked, "You play an instrument?".

I replied, "Yeah, I play a little guitar."

Carrots may be good....

Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.

it's difficult to date when you have OCD.

Every time my girlfriend gets turned on, I turn her off again.I

(Jimmy Carr)

My friend asked me if I had to have sex with my mother to save my father's life what would I do?

Apparently reverse cowgirl is the wrong answer.

​

That's a Jimmy Carr joke, btw. It's my go to at the moment. Happy Friday everyone!

What did the carrot say to the other carrot?

Shut up and radish me

I always carry pictures of my wife and kids in my wallet

It reminds me why no money is in there

I read about a Catholic priest that exposed himself

So the church defrocked him.

- Jimmy Carr

Carrying water isn't very hard

But carrying lighter fluid is easier

I always carry this insulin injection with me.

My dear friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed to be very important to him that I had it.

I love it when a woman says those magical words which means she's up for sex tonight

"This drink tastes funny"

~Jimmy Carr

I always carry a stone with me that I use to throw at people who play Christmas music in October.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

I carry tissues around with me so I never get an STD

I always have kleenexes

My wife insisted that I list every woman I'd ever been with...

so I started with the woman I lost my virginity to, all the way up to her. And that is where I should have stopped.

~Jimmy Carr

Say what you like about the make-a-wish foundation.

But they can work to a deadline. - Jimmy Carr

How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?

Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses

If you like flowers but don't like gardening

Run over a kid outside your driveway

-Jimmy Carr

Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...

Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...

She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one." He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".

Can you carry 20 liters of water?

No but jerrycan

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet …

I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.

Russians are sending peacekeepers into Ukraine.

They're saying, " You see this piece of land? We're keeping it."

- Jimmy Carr

I carry a notice with me to let other people know about my anxiety disorder.

It's my social insecurity card