Carpet Jokes
117 carpet jokes and hilarious carpet puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about carpet that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for a laugh? Look no further: discover a collection of hilarious carpet jokes and puns that every carpet fitter, rug man, tile and sofa lover will appreciate. From carpet burn and Norman carpet to flying carpets and magic carpets, these jokes will have you rolling in laughter.
Quick Jump To
- Short Carpet Jokes
- Carpet One Liners
- Carpet Man Jokes
- Carpet Rug Jokes
- Carpet Cleaning Jokes
- Carpet Cleaner Jokes
- Carpet Fitter Jokes
- More Carpet Jokes
Funniest Carpet Short Jokes
Short carpet jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The carpet humour may include short floor covering jokes also.
- Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.
- I was walking around the city when i saw a man in a turban shaking his carpet on his balcony. I shouted at him: "What's wrong, it isn't starting?"
- I just saw an Indian guy shaking a piece of carpet outside his door. I said, "Whats up, Won't it start?"
- Aladdin Banned from Flying Carpet Racing Sources say for use of Performance Enhancing Rugs
- A man comes to a carpet store and says: - I need a rug.
- Why so gloomy, pal? Are going to wrap a body in it, eh?
- I need two rugs. - My wife phoned me in a panic. She said, "How do you get wine out of the carpet?!" "No idea," I replied. "I usually get mine out of the fridge."
- I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan dude He was standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?" - I inherited a magic device that floats in the sky and weaves magic carpets. You might say it's a family air loom.
- An Arab is shaking a carpet on the window.A guy sees from below and asks: What's wrong with it? Doesn't start?
- On the Red Carpet Reporter: "Who are you wearing?"
Buffalo Bill: "I'm so glad you asked."
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Carpet One Liners
Which carpet one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with carpet? I can suggest the ones about rugs and couch.
- I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
- Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming? Crackers always leave crumbs.
- I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
- My carpet is not smooth at all. It's rather rugged.
- What pet do you keep in your car? Answer: A carpet.
- What does speedy gonzalas put beneath his carpets? Underlay! Underlay!
- What do Mexicans put under their carpet? UNDERLAY! UNDERLAY!
- Your momma is so hairy When you was born you got carpet burn.
- What is a dog in a vehicle? A carpet.
- I had a gold fish that would breakdance on the carpet... But only for about ten seconds.
- What do you call an animal that you keep in your car? A carpet.
- My girlfriend refuses to vacuum the carpet It's like it's beneath her or something
- I wanted to produce my own carpets But I'm not rugged enough
- What's the difference between me and a carpet? A carpet will get laid.
- What did the carpet enthusiast say to his mistress? I haven't had hard wood in 15 years.
Carpet Man Jokes
Here is a list of funny carpet man jokes and even better carpet man puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What does a Spanish man put under his carpets? Underlay, underlay!
- A guy walks through a Pakistani village He sees a man dusting off a carpet from his shop and asks "What's the matter, it won't start?"
- A man is like good quality carpet. Lay him right the first time, walk all over him for the rest of his life.
Carpet Rug Jokes
Here is a list of funny carpet rug jokes and even better carpet rug puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Just got fired from da carpet factory. I can't understand it. I kept telling dem how much I love working on da rugs.
- What do you call a person who can't stop buying carpets? A *rug* addict!
- What's the similarity between a moth in a high end carpet retailer and an Iranian lesbian? They're both Persian rug munchers
- My friend gifted me a colourful carpet recently. I put it in the living room, but I tripped over it constantly. I asked her: Where did you get this?
It was the psychedelic rug store. - What do you call a good-looking carpet? Rugged.
- What do you call a Pixar film about Carpets? A Rug's Life.
- What do you call it when a dog craps on your rug? Carpet b**....
- A rug is just a... carpet c**...
- How do you tell a carpet to be quiet? **sh*rug*
Carpet Cleaning Jokes
Here is a list of funny carpet cleaning jokes and even better carpet cleaning puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I visited my lesbian neighbor today. I was amazed how clean the carpets were in her house.
- I had a polish cleaner helping around the house, it took them 4 hours to clean the front room carpet. It turns out she was a slo-vak.
- What goes up and down stairs with out moving? Carpet.
- What do you call a carpet cleaning company based out of Ohio? Cleveland Steamers
Carpet Cleaner Jokes
Here is a list of funny carpet cleaner jokes and even better carpet cleaner puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I sold my old carpet cleaner today. It was only gathering dust.
Carpet Fitter Jokes
Here is a list of funny carpet fitter jokes and even better carpet fitter puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What does a Mexican carpet fitter say to motivate his colleagues? Underlay! Underlay!
- How does the Spanish carpet fitter get his workman to hurry up? Underlay! Underlay!
Fun-Filled Carpet Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about carpet you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean furniture jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make carpet pranks.
Abortions are like stains in my carpet.
You don't want them to be seen, and you pay somebody to vacuum them out.
What STD is found most commonly among l**...?
Carpet burn
Little Johnny and the Salesman
A salesman knocks on a door. A few seconds later the door opens. Little Johnny is standing there with a bourbon and Coke in one hand and lit cigar in the other hand.
The salesman looks at him for a second and then asks "Little boy, is your mommy here?"
Johnny flicks some cigar ash on the carpet, rubs it into the carpet with his shoe. Then he looks at the salesman and asks "What do you think?"
The other day I was laying down a carpet...
...and my friend Speedy Gonzales was helping me. At one point I said, "Have I missed anything, Speedy?" And Speedy says, "Underlay, underlay!"
A man walks into a bank and approaches the counter.
He yells "This is a f**...-up!"
Confused the bank teller asks "Don't you mean stick-up?"
The man scuffs his shoes on the carpet and says "No, I've left my gun at home.
The Vacuum Cleaner Salesman
A door to door vacuum salesman visits a house. When he proposes a deal the woman tells him to take a hike.
Without giving her a second chance the man empties a bucket of cow dung onto to carpet and says "If the vacuum cleaner doesn't s**... all of this up then I will eat the rest myself"
The woman goes to the kitchen and returns with a bowl of sugar and throws it over the cow dung and says:
"Start eating so long, we don't have electricity on the farm"
I'm Persian.
Yes I drove my flying magic carpet up here you racist jerks.
Flying carpet
So I was walking by a council flat the other day when I saw this Arab guy shaking a carpet.
I shouted up, "what's wrong Aladdin, won't it start?."
Thought for the day
Hillary Clinton is truly a carpet bagger.
If the carpet matches the drapes
I'll install the hardwood for free
Did you hear about the special offer at the Mexican carpet store?
UNDERLAY UNDERLAY UNDERLAY!!!!!!!!
What do you call a Persian lesbian?
A flying c**....
I'm so sorry.
Migrants are no longer welcome in the Greek island of l**......
as some people munched up the red carpet.
If Hillary brought a carpet bag to New York, what did Bill bring?
Hard wood.
Why when you spill red wine on a carpet do you take the stain out with white wine?
Because more alcohol is the solution to all problems.
What does Speedy Gonzalez keep under his carpet?
Underlay! Underlay!
What do you call a Brazilian on a magic carpet?
A latin.
What's the difference between Java and JavaScript?
Java and JavaScript are similar in the same way car and carpet are.
Where does the Iranian Air Force store all its flying craft?
The carpet store
Met a cute girl with purple hair.
Jokingly asked her "Does the carpet match the drapes?"
She replies "No carpet, hard wood".
The police didn't believe me when I told them I found a flying carpet...
They called the whole thing fabricated.
A paranoid man stays at a hotel,
As per habit, he checks every inch of his hotel room looking for mics, cameras or any surveillance device.
Sure enough, right in the centre of the room, under the bed, under the carpet is a small, black metal object firmly bolted to the floor.
He takes out his equipment, detaches the metal object & throws it out the window.
The next morning the hotel manager knocks on his door & asks him,
"Good morning sir, did you have any problems last night?"
"Not at all" the man answered, "why do you ask?"
"Well, it's very strange" said the manager, "but in the room directly below yours, the chandelier suddenly fell down in the middle of the night".
Did you see Speedy Gonzales has a carpet store?
He has really cheap underlay underlay.
Xerxes I is the most successful carpet dealer.
He went to the West with a million Persians and came home with only a handful of them.
What pet does Aladdin have?
A magic car-pet
A company has developed a piece of technology that is putting plumbers out of business
A pair of boots that get sewage all over my carpet by themselves!
"Would you like a table?"
"Not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please."
Why does Aladdin travel on a magic carpet?
He's on the no fly list.
Magic carpet
A blonde , a brunette and a red head walk into a carpet store and spot a talking magic carpet.
It spoke, "if you step on me and lie, you will disappear with a p**...!"
The brunette steps on first and says, "I think I'm the prettiest girl in town."
She vanished with a p**...!
The red head steps on the carpet and says, "I think I'm the smartest girl in town."
She vanished with a p**...!
The blonde steps on the carpet and says, "I think-"
She vanished with a p**...!
A salesman knocked on a suburban door...
...and was greeted by a nine-year-old boy puffing away on a long black cigar. Stunned for a brief moment, he managed to regain his composure and say "Good afternoon. Would your mother or father be home?" The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes onto the carpet, and replied "What the f*c**... do you think?"
This girl once told me she wanted me to do it d**....
So I licked her face, crapped on the carpet and bit her mailman in the ankle
So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.
I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?
What do you call Matt Damon when he haunts a carpet store?
Mat d**...
The Lion King and Aladdin are in a race, who wins?
You might think it's Aladdin because of his magic carpet, but it was the lion king.
The lion king Mufasa.
I like my house like I like my women
minimal carpet
What type of pet likes to ride in a car?
A carpet
I once had a goldfish that could breakdance on the carpet
However he could only do it once.
A man is drinking at a bar and meets a redheaded woman, not realizing that she is transgender
Already drunk, the man decided to ask, "Does the carpet match the drapes?" The transgender woman replies, "There's no carpet, only hardwood."
A new business opened up down the st called the carpet exchange
I'm guessing it's the new lesbian bar in town.
[Turkish pun] What do you do when someone steals your carpet?
Kilim
What type of flooring do l**... prefer?
They prefer carpet over hardwoods.
Having a cat is like living with a piece of art...
Sometimes, you just have someone v**... on your carpet.
My wife went to the carpet store...
I now have a freaking cat living in my car.
m**... is like buying IKEA furniture.
At first, it sounds like a great idea.
But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.
What pet is always on the ground?
The Carpet
A guy picked up an amazing red-head.
She was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Things were getting hot and heavy and he whispered in her ear, "So, does the carpet match the drapes?"
She whispered back, "It's laminate, see for yourself."
So in anticipation he slid his hand up her thigh and past her skirt. Sure enough she had wood.
Once a man, knocked on a door and an old lady opened the door. Without a word the man went in took a lot of cow dung from his bag and threw on the carpet. "You see , I have a wonder vaccum cleaner with me here, if this doesn't work I'll eat every piece of that dung" he said.
"Do you want tomato ketchup with it ? " The lady asked. "Cause you see, we still don't have electricity in this house"
The carpet
An attractive, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian carpets. She looks around, spots a beautiful carpet, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the carpet she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed. Standing behind her is a salesman.
"Good day, ma'am, how may I help you today?"
Flustered, she asks, "Yes, uh, how much does this carpet cost?"
"Madam," he answers, "If you f**... just touching it, you're gonna s**... when you hear the price."
My friend doesn't like to talk about her dry skin…
She'd rather just sweep it under the carpet
A vacuum salesman knocked on my door this morning
When I opened my door, before I could even talk to him, he dumped a bucket of dog s**... on my carpet
He then said if this vacuum cleaner doesn't clean your carpet within 2 minutes, I will personally eat whatever's left of the s**...
To which I replied well you better be hungry because my electricity has been cut off since 5am
A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog s**... on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."
I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."
Salesman's promise
A salesman knocked at the door and a woman answers. The salesman barges in and scatters fresh h**... all around the living room floor and the carpet.
The woman is shocked and her kids are amused.
The salesman confidently says, Do not worry. I am selling this brand new extra power vacuum cleaner. If it cannot clean up all this s**... in 15 mins, I will eat it all myself.
The woman smiles and says, Very well, so would you like some ketchup or salt with it, because the power is out since morning.. .
(An oldie but I am shopping for vacuum cleaners and this joke has been popping up in my mind.)
My girlfriend wanted to try d**......
Apparently, slobbering all over her and dragging my a**... along the carpet wasn't what she had in mind..
Vacuum cleaner salesman
a Vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door.
Before I spoke he tipped a bucket of dog s**... over my carpet and said:
"If this vacuum doesn't remove every trace of it, I'll personally eat what's left."
I replied:
"I hope you're hungry because they cut off my electric this morning"
