Carpet Jokes
109 carpet jokes and hilarious carpet puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about carpet that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for a laugh? Look no further: discover a collection of hilarious carpet jokes and puns that every carpet fitter, rug man, tile and sofa lover will appreciate. From carpet burn and Norman carpet to flying carpets and magic carpets, these jokes will have you rolling in laughter.
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Funniest Carpet Short Jokes
Short carpet jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The carpet humour may include short floor covering jokes also.
- Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.
- I was walking around the city when i saw a man in a turban shaking his carpet on his balcony. I shouted at him: "What's wrong, it isn't starting?"
- I just saw an Indian guy shaking a piece of carpet outside his door. I said, "Whats up, Won't it start?"
- Aladdin Banned from Flying Carpet Racing Sources say for use of Performance Enhancing Rugs
- A man comes to a carpet store and says: - I need a rug.
- Why so gloomy, pal? Are going to wrap a body in it, eh?
- I need two rugs. - My wife phoned me in a panic. She said, "How do you get wine out of the carpet?!" "No idea," I replied. "I usually get mine out of the fridge."
- I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan dude He was standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?" - I inherited a magic device that floats in the sky and weaves magic carpets. You might say it's a family air loom.
- An Arab is shaking a carpet on the window.A guy sees from below and asks: What's wrong with it? Doesn't start?
- On the Red Carpet Reporter: "Who are you wearing?"
Buffalo Bill: "I'm so glad you asked."
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Carpet One Liners
Which carpet one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with carpet? I can suggest the ones about couch and furniture.
- I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
- Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming? Crackers always leave crumbs.
- I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
- My carpet is not smooth at all. It's rather rugged.
- What pet do you keep in your car? Answer: A carpet.
- What does speedy gonzalas put beneath his carpets? Underlay! Underlay!
- What is a dog in a vehicle? A carpet.
- My girlfriend refuses to vacuum the carpet It's like it's beneath her or something
- I wanted to produce my own carpets But I'm not rugged enough
- What's the difference between me and a carpet? A carpet will get laid.
- What did the carpet enthusiast say to his mistress? I haven't had hard wood in 15 years.
- What do you call a Brazilian on a magic carpet? A latin.
- What type of pet likes to ride in a car? A carpet
- What pet is always on the ground? The Carpet
- What does a Mexican carpet fitter say to motivate his colleagues? Underlay! Underlay!
Carpet Man Jokes
Here is a list of funny carpet man jokes and even better carpet man puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A guy walks through a Pakistani village He sees a man dusting off a carpet from his shop and asks "What's the matter, it won't start?"
- A man is like good quality carpet. Lay him right the first time, walk all over him for the rest of his life.
Carpet Rug Jokes
Here is a list of funny carpet rug jokes and even better carpet rug puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Just got fired from da carpet factory. I can't understand it. I kept telling dem how much I love working on da rugs.
- What do you call a person who can't stop buying carpets? A *rug* addict!
- My friend gifted me a colourful carpet recently. I put it in the living room, but I tripped over it constantly. I asked her: Where did you get this?
It was the psychedelic rug store. - What do you call a good-looking carpet? Rugged.
- What do you call a Pixar film about Carpets? A Rug's Life.
Carpet Cleaning Jokes
Here is a list of funny carpet cleaning jokes and even better carpet cleaning puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I visited my lesbian neighbor today. I was amazed how clean the carpets were in her house.
- I had a polish cleaner helping around the house, it took them 4 hours to clean the front room carpet. It turns out she was a slo-vak.
- What goes up and down stairs with out moving? Carpet.
- What do you call a carpet cleaning company based out of Ohio? Cleveland Steamers
Fun-Filled Carpet Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about carpet you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean curtains jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make carpet pranks.
Abortions are like stains in my carpet.
You don't want them to be seen, and you pay somebody to vacuum them out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What STD is found most commonly among l**...?
Carpet burn
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do Mexicans put under their carpet?
UNDERLAY! UNDERLAY!
Little Johnny and the Salesman
A salesman knocks on a door. A few seconds later the door opens. Little Johnny is standing there with a bourbon and Coke in one hand and lit cigar in the other hand.
The salesman looks at him for a second and then asks "Little boy, is your mommy here?"
Johnny flicks some cigar ash on the carpet, rubs it into the carpet with his shoe. Then he looks at the salesman and asks "What do you think?"
The other day I was laying down a carpet...
...and my friend Speedy Gonzales was helping me. At one point I said, "Have I missed anything, Speedy?" And Speedy says, "Underlay, underlay!"
A beautiful woman asked me if the carpet matched the drapes.
I told her there was no carpet. . . just hard wood.
That's a real dream I had last night. I woke up with more giggles than I should have.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bank and approaches the counter.
He yells "This is a f**...-up!"
Confused the bank teller asks "Don't you mean stick-up?"
The man scuffs his shoes on the carpet and says "No, I've left my gun at home.
My marriage is pretty much like a fairy tale.
Every time i try to tell my wife she's a princess she either falls asleep, runs away, or asks me to prove it.
and since i don't have a magic carpet or poison apple it's kind of hard...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the carpet doing at the b**... party?
Soaking up the atmosphere.
Flying carpet
So I was walking by a council flat the other day when I saw this Arab guy shaking a carpet.
I shouted up, "what's wrong Aladdin, won't it start?."
I don't mind being hairy
Although wiping peanut butter from a carpet isn't really my cup of tea
What type of carpet do you put in an igloo?
Burr-burr
If the carpet matches the drapes
I'll install the hardwood for free
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How did Aladdin die?
Carpet b**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a Persian lesbian?
A flying c**....
I'm so sorry.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Migrants are no longer welcome in the Greek island of l**......
as some people munched up the red carpet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call it when a dog craps on your rug?
Carpet b**....
Does the carpet match the drapes?
Nope, I've got hardwood.
If Hillary brought a carpet bag to New York, what did Bill bring?
Hard wood.
Why when you spill red wine on a carpet do you take the stain out with white wine?
Because more alcohol is the solution to all problems.
What's the difference between Java and JavaScript?
Java and JavaScript are similar in the same way car and carpet are.
Where does the Iranian Air Force store all its flying craft?
The carpet store
Met a cute girl with purple hair.
Jokingly asked her "Does the carpet match the drapes?"
She replies "No carpet, hard wood".
The police didn't believe me when I told them I found a flying carpet...
They called the whole thing fabricated.
A paranoid man stays at a hotel,
As per habit, he checks every inch of his hotel room looking for mics, cameras or any surveillance device.
Sure enough, right in the centre of the room, under the bed, under the carpet is a small, black metal object firmly bolted to the floor.
He takes out his equipment, detaches the metal object & throws it out the window.
The next morning the hotel manager knocks on his door & asks him,
"Good morning sir, did you have any problems last night?"
"Not at all" the man answered, "why do you ask?"
"Well, it's very strange" said the manager, "but in the room directly below yours, the chandelier suddenly fell down in the middle of the night".
Xerxes I is the most successful carpet dealer.
He went to the West with a million Persians and came home with only a handful of them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a hypochondriac lesbian?
A carpet munchausen.
I came out of the closet yesterday...
It got all over my carpet.
What pet does Aladdin have?
A magic car-pet
A company has developed a piece of technology that is putting plumbers out of business
A pair of boots that get sewage all over my carpet by themselves!
"Would you like a table?"
"Not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please."
Why does Aladdin travel on a magic carpet?
He's on the no fly list.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Magic carpet
A blonde , a brunette and a red head walk into a carpet store and spot a talking magic carpet.
It spoke, "if you step on me and lie, you will disappear with a p**...!"
The brunette steps on first and says, "I think I'm the prettiest girl in town."
She vanished with a p**...!
The red head steps on the carpet and says, "I think I'm the smartest girl in town."
She vanished with a p**...!
The blonde steps on the carpet and says, "I think-"
She vanished with a p**...!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A salesman knocked on a suburban door...
...and was greeted by a nine-year-old boy puffing away on a long black cigar. Stunned for a brief moment, he managed to regain his composure and say "Good afternoon. Would your mother or father be home?" The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes onto the carpet, and replied "What the f*c**... do you think?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This girl once told me she wanted me to do it d**....
So I licked her face, crapped on the carpet and bit her mailman in the ankle
So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.
I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call Matt Damon when he haunts a carpet store?
Mat d**...
The Lion King and Aladdin are in a race, who wins?
You might think it's Aladdin because of his magic carpet, but it was the lion king.
The lion king Mufasa.
I like my house like I like my women
minimal carpet
A man is drinking at a bar and meets a redheaded woman, not realizing that she is transgender
Already drunk, the man decided to ask, "Does the carpet match the drapes?" The transgender woman replies, "There's no carpet, only hardwood."
A new business opened up down the st called the carpet exchange
I'm guessing it's the new lesbian bar in town.
[Turkish pun] What do you do when someone steals your carpet?
Kilim
Me: watching Aladdin, I wish I had a magic carpet
Somewhere in India: a monkeys paw closes one finger...
Mommy, mommy, christmas tree is burning!
Sweetie, the christmas tree is shining, not burning.
Mommy, the carpet and curtains are now shining too!
Yes, I'm a natural blonde. I would say the drapes match the carpet...
But I prefer hardwood.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What type of flooring do l**... prefer?
They prefer carpet over hardwoods.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Having a cat is like living with a piece of art...
Sometimes, you just have someone v**... on your carpet.
My wife went to the carpet store...
I now have a freaking cat living in my car.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
m**... is like buying IKEA furniture.
At first, it sounds like a great idea.
But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.
A guy picked up an amazing red-head.
She was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Things were getting hot and heavy and he whispered in her ear, "So, does the carpet match the drapes?"
She whispered back, "It's laminate, see for yourself."
So in anticipation he slid his hand up her thigh and past her skirt. Sure enough she had wood.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Once a man, knocked on a door and an old lady opened the door. Without a word the man went in took a lot of cow dung from his bag and threw on the carpet. "You see , I have a wonder vaccum cleaner with me here, if this doesn't work I'll eat every piece of that dung" he said.
"Do you want tomato ketchup with it ? " The lady asked. "Cause you see, we still don't have electricity in this house"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The carpet
An attractive, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian carpets. She looks around, spots a beautiful carpet, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the carpet she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed. Standing behind her is a salesman.
"Good day, ma'am, how may I help you today?"
Flustered, she asks, "Yes, uh, how much does this carpet cost?"
"Madam," he answers, "If you f**... just touching it, you're gonna s**... when you hear the price."
My friend doesn't like to talk about her dry skin…
She'd rather just sweep it under the carpet
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog s**... on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."
I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Salesman's promise
A salesman knocked at the door and a woman answers. The salesman barges in and scatters fresh h**... all around the living room floor and the carpet.
The woman is shocked and her kids are amused.
The salesman confidently says, Do not worry. I am selling this brand new extra power vacuum cleaner. If it cannot clean up all this s**... in 15 mins, I will eat it all myself.
The woman smiles and says, Very well, so would you like some ketchup or salt with it, because the power is out since morning.. .
(An oldie but I am shopping for vacuum cleaners and this joke has been popping up in my mind.)
