The Best 85 Carpet Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Carpet jokes. There are some carpet carpet layer jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these carpet carpet cleaning puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Carpet Jokes and Puns
An Arab is shaking a carpet on the window.A guy sees from below and asks:
What's wrong with it? Doesn't start?
Abortions are like stains in my carpet.
You don't want them to be seen, and you pay somebody to vacuum them out.
What STD is found most commonly among lesbians?
Carpet burn
What do Mexicans put under their carpet?
UNDERLAY! UNDERLAY!
Little Johnny and the Salesman
A salesman knocks on a door. A few seconds later the door opens. Little Johnny is standing there with a bourbon and Coke in one hand and lit cigar in the other hand.
The salesman looks at him for a second and then asks "Little boy, is your mommy here?"
Johnny flicks some cigar ash on the carpet, rubs it into the carpet with his shoe. Then he looks at the salesman and asks "What do you think?"
The other day I was laying down a carpet...
...and my friend Speedy Gonzales was helping me. At one point I said, "Have I missed anything, Speedy?" And Speedy says, "Underlay, underlay!"
A beautiful woman asked me if the carpet matched the drapes.
I told her there was no carpet. . . just hard wood.
That's a real dream I had last night. I woke up with more giggles than I should have.
A man walks into a bank and approaches the counter.
He yells "This is a fuck-up!"
Confused the bank teller asks "Don't you mean stick-up?"
The man scuffs his shoes on the carpet and says "No, I've left my gun at home.
The Vacuum Cleaner Salesman
A door to door vacuum salesman visits a house. When he proposes a deal the woman tells him to take a hike.
Without giving her a second chance the man empties a bucket of cow dung onto to carpet and says "If the vacuum cleaner doesn't suck all of this up then I will eat the rest myself"
The woman goes to the kitchen and returns with a bowl of sugar and throws it over the cow dung and says:
"Start eating so long, we don't have electricity on the farm"
I'm Persian.
Yes I drove my flying magic carpet up here you racist jerks.
My marriage is pretty much like a fairy tale.
Every time i try to tell my wife she's a princess she either falls asleep, runs away, or asks me to prove it.
and since i don't have a magic carpet or poison apple it's kind of hard...
You can explore carpet sofa reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean carpet mat dad jokes. There are also carpet puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What is the carpet doing at the bukkake party?
Soaking up the atmosphere.
Flying carpet
So I was walking by a council flat the other day when I saw this Arab guy shaking a carpet.
I shouted up, "what's wrong Aladdin, won't it start?."
Thought for the day
Hillary Clinton is truly a carpet bagger.
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room
The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.
If the carpet matches the drapes
I'll install the hardwood for free
Did you hear about the special offer at the Mexican carpet store?
UNDERLAY UNDERLAY UNDERLAY!!!!!!!!
What do you call a Persian lesbian?
A flying carpet muncher.
I'm so sorry.
Migrants are no longer welcome in the Greek island of Lesbos...
as some people munched up the red carpet.
If Hillary brought a carpet bag to New York, what did Bill bring?
Hard wood.
Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming?
Crackers always leave crumbs.
Why when you spill red wine on a carpet do you take the stain out with white wine?
Because more alcohol is the solution to all problems.
What does Speedy Gonzalez keep under his carpet?
Underlay! Underlay!
What do you call a Brazilian on a magic carpet?
A latin.
What's the difference between Java and JavaScript?
Java and JavaScript are similar in the same way car and carpet are.
What does a Mexican carpet fitter say to motivate his colleagues?
Underlay! Underlay!
Where does the Iranian Air Force store all its flying craft?
The carpet store
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet,
but only for like 20 seconds...
Met a cute girl with purple hair.
Jokingly asked her "Does the carpet match the drapes?"
She replies "No carpet, hard wood".
The police didn't believe me when I told them I found a flying carpet...
They called the whole thing fabricated.
What did the carpet enthusiast say to his mistress?
I haven't had hard wood in 15 years.
What do you call a carpet cleaning company based out of Ohio?
Cleveland Steamers
A paranoid man stays at a hotel,
As per habit, he checks every inch of his hotel room looking for mics, cameras or any surveillance device.
Sure enough, right in the centre of the room, under the bed, under the carpet is a small, black metal object firmly bolted to the floor.
He takes out his equipment, detaches the metal object & throws it out the window.
The next morning the hotel manager knocks on his door & asks him,
"Good morning sir, did you have any problems last night?"
"Not at all" the man answered, "why do you ask?"
"Well, it's very strange" said the manager, "but in the room directly below yours, the chandelier suddenly fell down in the middle of the night".
Xerxes I is the most successful carpet dealer.
He went to the West with a million Persians and came home with only a handful of them.
What's the similarity between a moth in a high end carpet retailer and an Iranian lesbian?
They're both Persian rug munchers
I came out of the closet yesterday...
It got all over my carpet.
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan dude
He was standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
What pet does Aladdin have?
A magic car-pet
What's the difference between a carpet-er and a carpenter? (NSFW)
The carpet-er wants the carpet to match the drapes, but a carpenter will put his wood anywhere if the money's right
A company has developed a piece of technology that is putting plumbers out of business
A pair of boots that get sewage all over my carpet by themselves!
"Would you like a table?"
"Not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please."
Why does Aladdin travel on a magic carpet?
He's on the no fly list.
Magic carpet
A blonde , a brunette and a red head walk into a carpet store and spot a talking magic carpet.
It spoke, "if you step on me and lie, you will disappear with a POOF!"
The brunette steps on first and says, "I think I'm the prettiest girl in town."
She vanished with a POOF!
The red head steps on the carpet and says, "I think I'm the smartest girl in town."
She vanished with a POOF!
The blonde steps on the carpet and says, "I think-"
She vanished with a POOF!
A salesman knocked on a suburban door...
...and was greeted by a nine-year-old boy puffing away on a long black cigar. Stunned for a brief moment, he managed to regain his composure and say "Good afternoon. Would your mother or father be home?" The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes onto the carpet, and replied "What the f*ck do you think?"
This girl once told me she wanted me to do it doggy style.
So I licked her face, crapped on the carpet and bit her mailman in the ankle
I just saw an Indian guy shaking a piece of carpet outside his door.
I said, "Whats up, Won't it start?"
So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.
I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?
My wife phoned me in a panic. She said, "How do you get wine out of the carpet?!"
"No idea," I replied. "I usually get mine out of the fridge."
A guy walks through a Pakistani village
He sees a man dusting off a carpet from his shop and asks "What's the matter, it won't start?"
What do you call Matt Damon when he haunts a carpet store?
Mat Demon
The Lion King and Aladdin are in a race, who wins?
You might think it's Aladdin because of his magic carpet, but it was the lion king.
The lion king Mufasa.
I like my house like I like my women
minimal carpet
Aladdin Banned from Flying Carpet Racing
Sources say for use of Performance Enhancing Rugs
What type of pet likes to ride in a car?
A carpet
I once had a goldfish that could breakdance on the carpet
However he could only do it once.
My girlfriend refuses to vacuum the carpet
It's like it's beneath her or something
I sold my old carpet cleaner today.
It was only gathering dust.
A man is drinking at a bar and meets a redheaded woman, not realizing that she is transgender
Already drunk, the man decided to ask, "Does the carpet match the drapes?" The transgender woman replies, "There's no carpet, only hardwood."
I had a polish cleaner helping around the house, it took them 4 hours to clean the front room carpet.
It turns out she was a slo-vak.
I was walking around the city when i saw a man in a turban shaking his carpet on his balcony.
I shouted at him: "What's wrong, it isn't starting?"
A man comes to a carpet store and says:
- I need a rug.
- Why so gloomy, pal? Are going to wrap a body in it, eh?
- I need two rugs.
A new business opened up down the st called the carpet exchange
I'm guessing it's the new lesbian bar in town.
NSFW Does the carpet match the drapes?
No carpet. Just hard wood.
What is a dog in a vehicle?
A carpet.
[Turkish pun] What do you do when someone steals your carpet?
Kilim
A man is like good quality carpet.
Lay him right the first time, walk all over him for the rest of his life.
Mommy, mommy, christmas tree is burning!
Sweetie, the christmas tree is shining, not burning.
Mommy, the carpet and curtains are now shining too!
On the Red Carpet
Reporter: "Who are you wearing?"
Buffalo Bill: "I'm so glad you asked."
What type of flooring do lesbians prefer?
They prefer carpet over hardwoods.
Having a cat is like living with a piece of art...
Sometimes, you just have someone vomit on your carpet.
My wife went to the carpet store...
I now have a freaking cat living in my car.
What's the difference between me and a carpet?
A carpet will get laid.
Masturbation is like buying IKEA furniture.
At first, it sounds like a great idea.
But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.
What pet is always on the ground?
The Carpet
A guy picked up an amazing red-head.
She was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Things were getting hot and heavy and he whispered in her ear, "So, does the carpet match the drapes?"
She whispered back, "It's laminate, see for yourself."
So in anticipation he slid his hand up her thigh and past her skirt. Sure enough she had wood.
Just got fired from da carpet factory.
I can't understand it. I kept telling dem how much I love working on da rugs.
Once a man, knocked on a door and an old lady opened the door. Without a word the man went in took a lot of cow dung from his bag and threw on the carpet. "You see , I have a wonder vaccum cleaner with me here, if this doesn't work I'll eat every piece of that dung" he said.
"Do you want tomato ketchup with it ? " The lady asked. "Cause you see, we still don't have electricity in this house"
The carpet
An attractive, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian carpets. She looks around, spots a beautiful carpet, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the carpet she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed. Standing behind her is a salesman.
"Good day, ma'am, how may I help you today?"
Flustered, she asks, "Yes, uh, how much does this carpet cost?"
"Madam," he answers, "If you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."
What pet do you keep in your car?
Answer: A carpet.
My friend doesn't like to talk about her dry skin…
She'd rather just sweep it under the carpet
What do you call an animal that you keep in your car?
A carpet.
A vacuum salesman knocked on my door this morning
When I opened my door, before I could even talk to him, he dumped a bucket of dog shit on my carpet
He then said if this vacuum cleaner doesn't clean your carpet within 2 minutes, I will personally eat whatever's left of the shit
To which I replied well you better be hungry because my electricity has been cut off since 5am
My carpet is not smooth at all.
It's rather rugged.
I had a gold fish that would breakdance on the carpet...
But only for about ten seconds.
A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."
I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the carpet linoleum jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working carpet stoop piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.