The Best 58 Carpenter Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Carpenter jokes. There are some carpenter weaver jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these carpenter miller puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Carpenter Jokes and Puns
Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven
When an old man approaches.
"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.
"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day."
Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?"
The man looks back; "... Pinocchio?"
Pinocchio has been getting complaints from his girlfriend....
Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his girlfriend. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters. "
So
Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for advice.
"Sandpaper," said the carpenter. "That's what you need. " So
Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks later the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. "How are you getting on with the girls now? " he asked. "Who needs girls? " said
Pinocchio."
Three Men Brag About Their Sons.
Three men are in a bar. They are talking about how great their sons are to their respective girlfriends. The first man says my son is an amazing pilot. He gave his girlfriend a plane as a gift he is the best. The second man says well my son happens to be a great carpenter he actually built his girlfriend a three story house. The final man says my son is gay but his boyfriend must really like him, he got a plane and a three story house from him.
Last Names
Back in olden days, people got their last names by their profession or something they were known for. For example, if your last name is smith, your ancestor was a black smith. If your last name is Carpenter your ancestor was a carpenter. And if your last name is Dickinson I have some bad news
My friend decided to take up wood working and he heard this joke at his new work place
A joiner makes sure that what he makes fits with the rest down to the tenth of a millimeter.
A carpenter makes sure it fits down to a millimeter.
A mason makes sure it fits down to the centimeter.
If the painter makes it to the right address, it's a good thing.
Did you hear about the blind carpenter and the magic hammer?
He picked up the hammer and saw.
My favorite pick-up line
A: Hey are you a charitable carpenter?
B: No, why?
A: Cause you've given me wood.
What is a carpenters dream girl?
What is a carpenters dream girl? Flat as a board, skinny as a nail and easy to screw.
A rapist, a carpenter, and Alexander the Great walk into a bar
They came, they saw, they conquered
Why was Jesus such a bad carpenter?
He couldn't remove three nails to save his life
King Arthur wasn't pleased with the quality of his new table.
The carpenter had cut some corners.
You can explore carpenter laborer reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean carpenter innkeeper dad jokes. There are also carpenter puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
The carpenter walks up to his boss..
.. and asks for tomorrow off as his wife is going to have a baby.
The boss gives him the day off.
Two days later the boss asks the carpenter if it was a boy or a girl.
The carpenter replies "we'll see in 9 months"
Why were all Roman buildings made of stone?
They crucified the carpenter.
How does a carpenter effectively build stairs?
He thinks one step ahead
What does a carpenter do after one night stand?
A matching one for the other side of the bed.
A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor
So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"
What did the car-painter say to the carpenter?
"You sound just like me!"
Who was the world's first carpenter?
Eve. She made Adam's banana stand
Why did the carpenter join the army?
Because he wanted to be a Drill Sergeant
I had to fire my carpenter
Turns out he was a mahoganist.
A carpenter goes to a brothel.
Had a threesome with two bi whores.
Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"
He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.
My carpenter is a narcissist.
He can be really shelf centered.
A Comprehensive Guide on How to be Like Jesus
1. Be a carpenter.
2. Be a nice guy.
3. ???
4. Prophet.
What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife?
He gets hammered and she gets nailed.
The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but...
the new guy screwed everything up
My wife has been keeping secrets from me.
I just built a fence and put down some paving. Turns out not only is she a master carpenter she's also an expert brick layer. If only I had known earlier I could have sought her advice before I did the work. It would have saved me from making all the obvious mistakes she pointed out after the work was done.
My girlfriend is like a good carpenter
No wood gets wasted
What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?
The second nightstand.
...I'm so sorry.
Why was Mary a virgin?
Because Joseph the Carpenter worked his own wood.
As a carpenter my father used to always tell me "Son, remember it's measure twice cut once."
I just wish he'd told my Rabbi that too.
They say that if you live by the sword, you die by the sword.
Maybe Jesus shouldn't have been a carpenter.
What's the difference between a carpet-er and a carpenter? (NSFW)
The carpet-er wants the carpet to match the drapes, but a carpenter will put his wood anywhere if the money's right
How do you know Jesus Christ was Irish?
He was an unemployed 33 year old carpenter who still lived with his parents
What do carpenters and camgirls have in common?
They both bang their fingers for a living.
"I see", said the blind carpenter
As he tripped over his hammer and saw
I met a guy who's a carpenter, he told me he makes stools.
'Me too' I says 'but they're all shit'
I grew up in a broken home
My father was a drunk carpenter.
Saint Peter has a day off...
... so Jesus takes his place. A man arrives at the Pearly Gates.
Jesus: Hello. Name?
Man: Joseph.
Jesus: What did you do for a living?
Man: Well...I was a carpenter.
Jesus: Have you made any good to humanity?
Man: Oh yes. I raised a child that revolutionized the world.
After along pause... Of thinking how much of a coincidence it is... Of re-reading what he wrote down. Jesus look up. Tears in his eyes.
Jesus: DAD?!
Man: PINOCCHIO!
A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.
"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All they needed now was to chop down a tree to make the raft.
"That's easy," says the economist. "Let's assume an axe."
Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword"
Makes sense
He was a carpenter who died from being nailed to a piece of wood
I'm skeptical about hiring a carpenter to make my furniture
But I'm sure it woodwork
What kind of gun would Jesus own?
A nail gun. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ya know, him being a carpenter and all.
If Eve was the first carpenter, she also must have been very rich.
Eve was a carpenter because she made Adam's banana stand.
And there is always money in the banana stand.
The Carpenter came around the other day...
He made an amazing entrance!
How can you tell Jesus was Irish?
He lived at home until he was in his thirties, he thought his mother was a virgin, he was an unemployed carpenter who got into trouble with the Empire, his last night on Earth was spent out drinking with his mates, and his last request was a drink.
Did Jesus ever have morning wood?
He was a carpenter right?
(This is courtesy of my SO)
I once knew a mexican carpenter who specialised in bedroom furniture, and he always bragged about never sleeping with the same girl twice.
Juan Nightstand
A sperm donator, a carpenter, and a married man walks into a bar
He came, he saw, he left
A woman's closet door what making a terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside
So she called a carpenter to check it out.
The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus was crossing the street and a loud creaking sound was heard. He couldn't believe it.
So he told her that he'll be waiting inside the closet to see what is making this noise.
After a few minutes the husband comes home, opens the closet and see a man inside.
He looks at his wife with disgust and back at the man and asks: "what the hell are you doing in my closet…?"
The carpenter then said "would you believe me if I told you I am waiting for the bus? "
I once dated a workaholic carpenter.
I told her to choose: "It's me or your tools."
She chose the ladder.
Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?"
"Making a bolt for the door, your honour."
Jesus said 'he who lives by the sword does by the sword'
And in all fairness he had a point. After all he was a carpenter who died by being hammered to a piece of wood.
Who was the first carpenter mentioned in the bible?
Eve. She made Adam's hotdog stand.
I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps.
He gave me a blank stair.
My carpenter friend brought me a single plank of wood by 5 o'clock today. I was livid!
"Whats wrong?" he asked.
"You told me you'd bring me 2 by 4!"
state humor
what did one state say to prove his credentials as a carpenter?
arkanSAW
The head is on the wrong end of this nail.
A carpenter was putting siding on a house. He'd reach in his pouch pull out a nail and drive it, then he'd pull out a nail and toss it over his shoulder, he continued, sometimes driving the nail and sometimes tossing it.
His partner asked, "Why are you throwing away some of your nails", the first guy says, "The idiots that made them put the head on the wrong end".
His partner said, "You're the idiot, those nails are for the other side of the house"
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the carpenter blind carpenter jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working carpenter working carpenter piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.