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Carpenter Jokes

165 carpenter jokes and hilarious carpenter puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about carpenter that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for a good laugh? Check out our collection of funny carpenter jokes. From jokes about saws and screws to construction humor, we've got something for everyone.

Best Short Carpenter Jokes

Short carpenter jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The carpenter humour may include short carpentry jokes also.

  1. What does a carpenter do after a one night stand? The second nightstand.
    ...I'm so sorry.
  2. Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword" He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.
  3. What does a carpenter do after one night stand? A matching one for the other side of the bed.
  4. My grandfather always used to say as one door closes another one opens Great guy.
    Terrible carpenter.
  5. They say that if you live by the sword, you die by the sword. Maybe Jesus shouldn't have been a carpenter.
  6. A Comprehensive Guide on How to be Like Jesus 1. Be a carpenter.
    2. Be a nice guy.
    3. ???
    4. Prophet.
  7. Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?" "Making a bolt for the door, your honour."
  8. My carpenter friend brought me a single plank of wood by 5 o'clock today. I was livid! "Whats wrong?" he asked.
    "You told me you'd bring me 2 by 4!"
  9. Did you hear about the blind carpenter and the magic hammer? He picked up the hammer and saw.
  10. King Arthur wasn't pleased with the quality of his new table. The carpenter had cut some corners.

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Carpenter joke, King Arthur wasn't pleased with the quality of his new table.


Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about carpenter can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of carpenter puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

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Carpenter One Liners

Which carpenter one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with carpenter? I can suggest the ones about carter and handyman.

  1. "I see", said the blind carpenter As he tripped over his hammer and saw
  2. My girlfriend is like a good carpenter No wood gets wasted
  3. Why were all Roman buildings made of stone? They crucified the carpenter.
  4. I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
  5. What do nervous carpenters do? Bite their nails
  6. How do lesbian carpenters work? No studs. All tongue in groove.
  7. Why was Jesus such a bad carpenter? He couldn't remove three nails to save his life
  8. I was raised in a broken home My father was a drunk carpenter.
  9. How does a carpenter effectively build stairs? He thinks one step ahead
  10. Who was the world's first carpenter? Eve. She made Adam's banana stand
  11. What does a pirate carpenter say when he's cold? Shiver me timbers.
  12. How do carpenters get certified? They take a board exam
  13. I grew up in a broken home My father was a drunk carpenter.
  14. When a door closes, another one opens I'm not a very good carpenter...
  15. Who was the first carpenter mentioned in the bible? Eve. She made Adam's hotdog stand.

Carpenter Wood Jokes

Here is a list of funny carpenter wood jokes and even better carpenter wood puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A joke for carpenters with kids: Guess what I saw? Wood!
  • Jesus said 'he who lives by the sword does by the sword' And in all fairness he had a point. After all he was a carpenter who died by being hammered to a piece of wood.
  • What's a gay carpenter's favorite hobby? I don't know. It's a toss up between woodworking and working wood.
  • Did Jesus ever have morning wood? He was a carpenter right?
    (This is courtesy of my SO)
  • Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword" Makes sense
    He was a carpenter who died from being nailed to a piece of wood
  • How do historians know that Joseph wasn't Jesus' dad? Because when you're a carpenter in the desert you can't get wood.
  • My favorite pick-up line A: Hey are you a charitable carpenter?
    B: No, why?
    A: Cause you've given me wood.
  • What do prostitutes and carpenters have in common? They're both wood workers.
  • A carpenter from Nazareth walks into the wood store... And he's looking for joiners...
  • A good wife is like a good carpenter they never waste any wood

Working Carpenter Jokes

Here is a list of funny working carpenter jokes and even better working carpenter puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a carpenter? A carpenter can cover up the holes he screws.
  • A carpenter sent me her bill for installing a skylight in my windowless bathroom. I only paid her half the bill. She called and asked why. I said, It doesn't work at night.
  • I'm a carpenter by trade and told my wife how much I hate doing repetitious work. She said well you would hate having a desk job. I think she's right, I wouldn't like building desks all day either.
  • A carpenter tries his hand at building a car It was a work of wood that wooden work.
  • Wood working can be really dangerous Look at the most famous carpenter ever. Dead, nailed to a cross...
  • Why won't women make good Carpenters? Because men have been saying this much is a foot for years.
  • Two carpenters get to work together what do they build? Friendship :3
  • what did the carpenter say when his shelf broke? 'i thought it wood work!"
  • Who was the world's first carpenter Eve because she worked on Adams wood
  • Why does no one want to work in the yard with a carpenter? Because they take a fence to that.

Karen Carpenter Jokes

Here is a list of funny karen carpenter jokes and even better karen carpenter puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What has Jesus and Karen got in common? They're both carpenters.
  • What's Karen Carpenter's Phone Number? 8 nothing, 8 nothing, 8 nothing.....
  • Did you see the new Karen Carpenter CD? Her picture is on the side. Too soon?
  • What is the opposite of Karen Carpenter and John Denver duo? Two Live Crew
  • Basic Instinct Star Cast in "The Carpenters" Biopic This summer:
    SHARON
    IS
    KAREN
  • If I hear another Karen Carpenter Christmas song... ...I'm going to p**....

Blind Carpenter Jokes

Here is a list of funny blind carpenter jokes and even better blind carpenter puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you know about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and herd? What about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
  • How'd the blind carpenter regain his sight? He just picked up a hammer and saw.
  • There were two blind carpenters.... .......but one saw
  • How did the blind carpenter regain his eyesight? He picked up his hammer and saw.
  • Did you hear about the blind carpenter? He picked up his hammer and saw.
    "It's all coming back to me now," he told his deaf dog as he peed into the wind.

Carpenter Ant Jokes

Here is a list of funny carpenter ant jokes and even better carpenter ant puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's the worst thing about carpenter bees and carpenter ants? They aren't union.
  • What do you call a bunch of carpenter ants? A construction site.
  • Why are carpenter ants the sexiest ants? Because they eat your wood.
Carpenter joke, Why are carpenter ants the sexiest ants?

Uplifting Carpenter Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about carpenter you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean carp fishing jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make carpenter prank.

Q: What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
A: fingernails.

Q: What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
A: Fingernails.

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.
"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.
"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day."
Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?"
The man looks back; "... Pinocchio?"

Pinocchio has been getting complaints from his girlfriend....

Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his girlfriend. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters. "
So
Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for advice.
"Sandpaper," said the carpenter. "That's what you need. " So
Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks later the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. "How are you getting on with the girls now? " he asked. "Who needs girls? " said
Pinocchio."

New Old House

While carpenters were busy working outside the old house I just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workers came in and asked to use the washroom. I looked at his muddy boots and said "Just wait a second, Ill grab some newspapers"
"That's alright lady," he responded, "I'm already trained."

Three Men Brag About Their Sons.

Three men are in a bar. They are talking about how great their sons are to their respective girlfriends. The first man says my son is an amazing pilot. He gave his girlfriend a plane as a gift he is the best. The second man says well my son happens to be a great carpenter he actually built his girlfriend a three story house. The final man says my son is gay but his boyfriend must really like him, he got a plane and a three story house from him.

Last Names

Back in olden days, people got their last names by their profession or something they were known for. For example, if your last name is smith, your ancestor was a black smith. If your last name is Carpenter your ancestor was a carpenter. And if your last name is Dickinson I have some bad news

My friend decided to take up wood working and he heard this joke at his new work place

A joiner makes sure that what he makes fits with the rest down to the tenth of a millimeter.
A carpenter makes sure it fits down to a millimeter.
A mason makes sure it fits down to the centimeter.
If the painter makes it to the right address, it's a good thing.

What's the difference between Jesus and other carpenters?

Jesus may actually return some day.

What is a carpenters dream girl?

What is a carpenters dream girl? Flat as a board, skinny as a nail and easy to screw.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed carpenter?

He *literally* can't even.

A r**..., a carpenter, and Alexander the Great walk into a bar

They came, they saw, they conquered

How can you tell a house was built by lesbian carpenters?

There are no studs, it's all tongue and groove.

New carpenter

It's a carpenter's first day on the job building a house. The foreman notices that he looks at each nail before driving it, and throws half of them away.
"Why are you throwing all those nails away?
"The head is on the wrong end."
"You idiot, don't throw those away! Those are for the other side of the house."

What did the carpenter say when his spirit level broke?

He literally could not even.

The carpenter walks up to his boss..

.. and asks for tomorrow off as his wife is going to have a baby.
The boss gives him the day off.
Two days later the boss asks the carpenter if it was a boy or a girl.
The carpenter replies "we'll see in 9 months"

As a female carpenter, I'm often asked if I prefer...

To get s**... or nailed...

A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor

So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"

What did the car-painter say to the carpenter?

"You sound just like me!"

What does a c**... Carpenter make?

Loose stools

Why did the carpenter join the army?

Because he wanted to be a Drill Sergeant

I had to fire my carpenter

Turns out he was a mahoganist.

Did you hear about the carpenter with no legs?

He was a handyman.

A carpenter's workshop's light went out

To find his way around, he picked up his hammer and saw.

A carpenter goes to a brothel.

Had a t**... with two bi w**....

Did you hear about the Irishman that was attacked by a carpenter?

I heard he was hammered

My carpenter is a narcissist.

He can be really shelf centered.

What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife?

He gets hammered and she gets nailed.

The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but...

the new guy s**... everything up

My wife has been keeping secrets from me.

I just built a fence and put down some paving. Turns out not only is she a master carpenter she's also an expert brick layer. If only I had known earlier I could have sought her advice before I did the work. It would have saved me from making all the obvious mistakes she pointed out after the work was done.

Why was Mary a v**...?

Because Joseph the Carpenter worked his own wood.

As a carpenter my father used to always tell me "Son, remember it's measure twice cut once."

I just wish he'd told my Rabbi that too.

How do you know Jesus Christ was Irish?

He was an unemployed 33 year old carpenter who still lived with his parents

What do carpenters and camgirls have in common?

They both bang their fingers for a living.

I met a guy who's a carpenter, he told me he makes stools.

'Me too' I says 'but they're all s**...'

A Fairy Tale

After his daughter is cursed by the dark fairy, Maleficent, King Stefan summons his royal carpenters and commands them to make the finest, most comfortable bed in all the land.
"It will be done, Your Majesty," replies the master builder. "Does His Majesty prefer a queen or a king?"
"A king, since you asked," whispers Stefan, "…but don't tell that to the queen!"

Saint Peter has a day off...

... so Jesus takes his place. A man arrives at the Pearly Gates.
Jesus: Hello. Name?
Man: Joseph.
Jesus: What did you do for a living?
Man: Well...I was a carpenter.
Jesus: Have you made any good to humanity?
Man: Oh yes. I raised a child that revolutionized the world.
After along pause... Of thinking how much of a coincidence it is... Of re-reading what he wrote down. Jesus look up. Tears in his eyes.
Jesus: DAD?!
Man: PINOCCHIO!

A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All they needed now was to chop down a tree to make the raft.
"That's easy," says the economist. "Let's assume an axe."

I'm skeptical about hiring a carpenter to make my furniture

But I'm sure it woodwork

What kind of gun would Jesus own?

A nail gun. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ya know, him being a carpenter and all.

If Eve was the first carpenter, she also must have been very rich.

Eve was a carpenter because she made Adam's banana stand.
And there is always money in the banana stand.

Why does Mike Tyson use an engineer's tape measure instead of a carpenter's tape measure?

Because he finds the experience much more in tenths.

Your mom is a carpenter's dream.

Flat as a board and easy to nail.

Why are lesbian carpenters the most successful?

No Studs, everything is tongue & groove, and all projects are done lickety split!

People call me a carpenter

All I can say is that I am good at building walls around me.

The Carpenter came around the other day...

He made an amazing entrance!

How can you tell Jesus was Irish?

He lived at home until he was in his thirties, he thought his mother was a v**..., he was an unemployed carpenter who got into trouble with the Empire, his last night on Earth was spent out drinking with his mates, and his last request was a drink.

I once knew a mexican carpenter who specialised in bedroom furniture, and he always bragged about never sleeping with the same girl twice.

Juan Nightstand

Young Jesus comes running into Saint Joseph's carpenter shop...

Daddy, did you call me?
Ah no, son, I just hit my thumb with a hammer.

People wonder how being being a chronic insomniac affects my job as a carpenter...

Quite frankly, I enjoy getting paid to bang all night

A s**... donator, a carpenter, and a married man walks into a bar

He came, he saw, he left

A carpenter pulls up to his doctor with his truck

"Took me a while to source the right kind of spruce, but I have the stool samples you asked for"

A woman's closet door what making a terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside

So she called a carpenter to check it out.
The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus was crossing the street and a loud creaking sound was heard. He couldn't believe it.
So he told her that he'll be waiting inside the closet to see what is making this noise.
After a few minutes the husband comes home, opens the closet and see a man inside.
He looks at his wife with disgust and back at the man and asks: "what the h**... are you doing in my closet…?"
The carpenter then said "would you believe me if I told you I am waiting for the bus? "

I once dated a workaholic carpenter.

I told her to choose: "It's me or your tools."
She chose the ladder.

What's a carpenter's favorite dessert flavor?

Plumb Jamb

Carpenter joke, What's a carpenter's favorite dessert flavor?

jokes about carpenter

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these carpenter jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.