Carpenter Jokes
160 carpenter jokes and hilarious carpenter puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about carpenter that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a good laugh? Check out our collection of funny carpenter jokes. From jokes about saws and screws to construction humor, we've got something for everyone.
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Funniest Carpenter Short Jokes
Short carpenter jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The carpenter humour may include short carpentry jokes also.
- What does a carpenter do after a one night stand? The second nightstand.
...I'm so sorry. - Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword" He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.
- What does a carpenter do after one night stand? A matching one for the other side of the bed.
- They say that if you live by the sword, you die by the sword. Maybe Jesus shouldn't have been a carpenter.
- A Comprehensive Guide on How to be Like Jesus 1. Be a carpenter.
2. Be a nice guy.
3. ???
4. Prophet. - Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?" "Making a bolt for the door, your honour."
- My carpenter friend brought me a single plank of wood by 5 o'clock today. I was livid! "Whats wrong?" he asked.
"You told me you'd bring me 2 by 4!" - Did you hear about the blind carpenter and the magic hammer? He picked up the hammer and saw.
- King Arthur wasn't pleased with the quality of his new table. The carpenter had cut some corners.
- Jesus Christ said " When one door closes another opens": Not the best line to come from a carpenter
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Carpenter One Liners
Which carpenter one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with carpenter? I can suggest the ones about carter and handyman.
- "I see", said the blind carpenter As he tripped over his hammer and saw
- My girlfriend is like a good carpenter No wood gets wasted
- Why were all Roman buildings made of stone? They crucified the carpenter.
- I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
- What do nervous carpenters do? Bite their nails
- How do lesbian carpenters work? No studs. All tongue in groove.
- Why was Jesus such a bad carpenter? He couldn't remove three nails to save his life
- I was raised in a broken home My father was a drunk carpenter.
- How does a carpenter effectively build stairs? He thinks one step ahead
- Who was the world's first carpenter? Eve. She made Adam's banana stand
- How do carpenters get certified? They take a board exam
- I grew up in a broken home My father was a drunk carpenter.
- When a door closes, another one opens I'm not a very good carpenter...
- A joke for carpenters with kids: Guess what I saw? Wood!
- I had to fire my carpenter Turns out he was a mahoganist.
Carpenter Wood Jokes
Here is a list of funny carpenter wood jokes and even better carpenter wood puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's a gay carpenter's favorite hobby? I don't know. It's a toss up between woodworking and working wood.
- Did Jesus ever have morning wood? He was a carpenter right?
(This is courtesy of my SO) - How do historians know that Joseph wasn't Jesus' dad? Because when you're a carpenter in the desert you can't get wood.
- My favorite pick-up line A: Hey are you a charitable carpenter?
B: No, why?
A: Cause you've given me wood. - What do prostitutes and carpenters have in common? They're both wood workers.
- A carpenter from Nazareth walks into the wood store... And he's looking for joiners...
- A good wife is like a good carpenter they never waste any wood
- Why aren't carpenters superstitious? Because they're always knocking on wood!
- Why was Jesus's death ironic? Because he was a carpenter, nailed to a piece of wood.
- What does a good carpenter and a 20 years old girl have in common? No wood gets wasted
Working Carpenter Jokes
Here is a list of funny working carpenter jokes and even better working carpenter puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a carpenter? A carpenter can cover up the holes he screws.
- A carpenter sent me her bill for installing a skylight in my windowless bathroom. I only paid her half the bill. She called and asked why. I said, It doesn't work at night.
- I'm a carpenter by trade and told my wife how much I hate doing repetitious work. She said well you would hate having a desk job. I think she's right, I wouldn't like building desks all day either.
- A carpenter tries his hand at building a car It was a work of wood that wooden work.
- Wood working can be really dangerous Look at the most famous carpenter ever. Dead, nailed to a cross...
- Two carpenters get to work together what do they build? Friendship :3
- what did the carpenter say when his shelf broke? 'i thought it wood work!"
- Why does no one want to work in the yard with a carpenter? Because they take a fence to that.
Karen Carpenter Jokes
Here is a list of funny karen carpenter jokes and even better karen carpenter puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What has Jesus and Karen got in common? They're both carpenters.
- What's Karen Carpenter's Phone Number? 8 nothing, 8 nothing, 8 nothing.....
- Did you see the new Karen Carpenter CD? Her picture is on the side. Too soon?
- What is the opposite of Karen Carpenter and John Denver duo? Two Live Crew
- Basic Instinct Star Cast in "The Carpenters" Biopic This summer:
SHARON
IS
KAREN
Blind Carpenter Jokes
Here is a list of funny blind carpenter jokes and even better blind carpenter puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you know about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and herd? What about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
- There were two blind carpenters.... .......but one saw
- Did you hear about the blind carpenter? He picked up his hammer and saw.
"It's all coming back to me now," he told his deaf dog as he peed into the wind.
Carpenter Ant Jokes
Here is a list of funny carpenter ant jokes and even better carpenter ant puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the worst thing about carpenter bees and carpenter ants? They aren't union.
- What do you call a bunch of carpenter ants? A construction site.
- Why are carpenter ants the sexiest ants? Because they eat your wood.
Uplifting Carpenter Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about carpenter you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean carp fishing jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make carpenter pranks.
Q: What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
A: fingernails.
Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven
When an old man approaches.
"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.
"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day."
Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?"
The man looks back; "... Pinocchio?"
Pinocchio has been getting complaints from his girlfriend....
Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his girlfriend. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters. "
So
Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for advice.
"Sandpaper," said the carpenter. "That's what you need. " So
Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks later the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. "How are you getting on with the girls now? " he asked. "Who needs girls? " said
Pinocchio."
New Old House
While carpenters were busy working outside the old house I just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workers came in and asked to use the washroom. I looked at his muddy boots and said "Just wait a second, Ill grab some newspapers"
"That's alright lady," he responded, "I'm already trained."
Three Men Brag About Their Sons.
Three men are in a bar. They are talking about how great their sons are to their respective girlfriends. The first man says my son is an amazing pilot. He gave his girlfriend a plane as a gift he is the best. The second man says well my son happens to be a great carpenter he actually built his girlfriend a three story house. The final man says my son is gay but his boyfriend must really like him, he got a plane and a three story house from him.
My friend decided to take up wood working and he heard this joke at his new work place
A joiner makes sure that what he makes fits with the rest down to the tenth of a millimeter.
A carpenter makes sure it fits down to a millimeter.
A mason makes sure it fits down to the centimeter.
If the painter makes it to the right address, it's a good thing.
What's the difference between Jesus and other carpenters?
Jesus may actually return some day.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is a carpenters dream girl?
What is a carpenters dream girl? Flat as a board, skinny as a nail and easy to screw.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed carpenter?
He *literally* can't even.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A r**..., a carpenter, and Alexander the Great walk into a bar
They came, they saw, they conquered
New carpenter
It's a carpenter's first day on the job building a house. The foreman notices that he looks at each nail before driving it, and throws half of them away.
"Why are you throwing all those nails away?
"The head is on the wrong end."
"You idiot, don't throw those away! Those are for the other side of the house."
What did the carpenter say when his spirit level broke?
He literally could not even.
The carpenter walks up to his boss..
.. and asks for tomorrow off as his wife is going to have a baby.
The boss gives him the day off.
Two days later the boss asks the carpenter if it was a boy or a girl.
The carpenter replies "we'll see in 9 months"
Have you seen the joke about the carpenter that had to fix a fence?
I believe it was a repost
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As a female carpenter, I'm often asked if I prefer...
To get s**... or nailed...
A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor
So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"
What did the car-painter say to the carpenter?
"You sound just like me!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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What does a c**... Carpenter make?
Loose stools
Why did the carpenter join the army?
Because he wanted to be a Drill Sergeant
Did you hear about the carpenter with no legs?
He was a handyman.
A carpenter's workshop's light went out
To find his way around, he picked up his hammer and saw.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A carpenter goes to a brothel.
Had a t**... with two bi w**....
He died for our sines
Parent to Teacher: Our Son doesn't need to do math, 'cause he's a prophet! Prophets don't do math! Would you make Jesus do math?"
Teacher: Jesus was a carpenter. He knew his math.
Did you hear about the Irishman that was attacked by a carpenter?
I heard he was hammered
My carpenter is a narcissist.
He can be really shelf centered.
I think my dog wants to be a carpenter.
He likes roofing.
What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife?
He gets hammered and she gets nailed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but...
the new guy s**... everything up
My wife has been keeping secrets from me.
I just built a fence and put down some paving. Turns out not only is she a master carpenter she's also an expert brick layer. If only I had known earlier I could have sought her advice before I did the work. It would have saved me from making all the obvious mistakes she pointed out after the work was done.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Why was Mary a v**...?
Because Joseph the Carpenter worked his own wood.
My father is a carpenter, and he was telling me about the new, state-of-the-art plumb bob that was just released...
It really is next-level.
As a carpenter my father used to always tell me "Son, remember it's measure twice cut once."
I just wish he'd told my Rabbi that too.
How do you know Jesus Christ was Irish?
He was an unemployed 33 year old carpenter who still lived with his parents
What do carpenters and camgirls have in common?
They both bang their fingers for a living.
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I met a guy who's a carpenter, he told me he makes stools.
'Me too' I says 'but they're all s**...'
A Fairy Tale
After his daughter is cursed by the dark fairy, Maleficent, King Stefan summons his royal carpenters and commands them to make the finest, most comfortable bed in all the land.
"It will be done, Your Majesty," replies the master builder. "Does His Majesty prefer a queen or a king?"
"A king, since you asked," whispers Stefan, "…but don't tell that to the queen!"
What's a carpenter's prototype of a bar seat called?
A stool sample.
Saint Peter has a day off...
... so Jesus takes his place. A man arrives at the Pearly Gates.
Jesus: Hello. Name?
Man: Joseph.
Jesus: What did you do for a living?
Man: Well...I was a carpenter.
Jesus: Have you made any good to humanity?
Man: Oh yes. I raised a child that revolutionized the world.
After along pause... Of thinking how much of a coincidence it is... Of re-reading what he wrote down. Jesus look up. Tears in his eyes.
Jesus: DAD?!
Man: PINOCCHIO!
A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.
"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All they needed now was to chop down a tree to make the raft.
"That's easy," says the economist. "Let's assume an axe."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword"
Makes sense
He was a carpenter who died from being nailed to a piece of wood
I'm skeptical about hiring a carpenter to make my furniture
But I'm sure it woodwork
What kind of gun would Jesus own?
A nail gun. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ya know, him being a carpenter and all.
Why does Mike Tyson use an engineer's tape measure instead of a carpenter's tape measure?
Because he finds the experience much more in tenths.
Your mom is a carpenter's dream.
Flat as a board and easy to nail.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Carpenters
Two carpenters were working on a house. One older one and one newer to the job. They were both working on one side of the house. After a few hours of working the older guy noticed the young guy looking at every nail, then dropping about half. The older one exclaimed about this and asked. Why are you wasting those perfectly good nails? the second guy answered
They're facing the wrong direction!
You idiot! The older man exclaimed. They're for the other side of the house!
People call me a carpenter
All I can say is that I am good at building walls around me.
The Carpenter came around the other day...
He made an amazing entrance!
In 1877 a bartender was building his saloon.
"so i want the floor to creak everytime when someone from out of town walks in and around here, but not when locals do that."
Carpenter: "What?!"
I once knew a mexican carpenter who specialised in bedroom furniture, and he always bragged about never sleeping with the same girl twice.
Juan Nightstand
Young Jesus comes running into Saint Joseph's carpenter shop...
Daddy, did you call me?
Ah no, son, I just hit my thumb with a hammer.
People wonder how being being a chronic insomniac affects my job as a carpenter...
Quite frankly, I enjoy getting paid to bang all night
My friend was working on gluing two pieces of wood together and wondered to me how carpenters manage it so easily.
So I offered, "some add vise." ^^^Sorry ^^^for ^^^the ^^^pun, ^^^it's ^^^one ^^^of ^^^my ^^^vices
I was painting a ladies deck and noticed she had some carpenter bee damage.
She nearly slapped me when I offered to make the necessary repairs. I suppose I shouldn't have asked her if she wanted me to shove some caulk in her bee holes
A carpenter pulls up to his doctor with his truck
"Took me a while to source the right kind of spruce, but I have the stool samples you asked for"
