Carpenter Jokes

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor

So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"

"I see", said the blind carpenter

As he tripped over his hammer and saw

What does a carpenter do after one night stand?

A matching one for the other side of the bed.

My girlfriend is like a good carpenter

No wood gets wasted

Why were all Roman buildings made of stone?

They crucified the carpenter.

My friend decided to take up wood working and he heard this joke at his new work place

A joiner makes sure that what he makes fits with the rest down to the tenth of a millimeter.

A carpenter makes sure it fits down to a millimeter.

A mason makes sure it fits down to the centimeter.

If the painter makes it to the right address, it's a good thing.

A woman's closet door what making a terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside

So she called a carpenter to check it out.

The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus was crossing the street and a loud creaking sound was heard. He couldn't believe it.

So he told her that he'll be waiting inside the closet to see what is making this noise.

After a few minutes the husband comes home, opens the closet and see a man inside.
He looks at his wife with disgust and back at the man and asks: "what the hell are you doing in my closet…?"

The carpenter then said "would you believe me if I told you I am waiting for the bus? "

I met a guy who's a carpenter, he told me he makes stools.

'Me too' I says 'but they're all shit'

A rapist, a carpenter, and Alexander the Great walk into a bar

They came, they saw, they conquered

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day."

Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?"

The man looks back; "... Pinocchio?"

They say that if you live by the sword, you die by the sword.

Maybe Jesus shouldn't have been a carpenter.

Last Names

Back in olden days, people got their last names by their profession or something they were known for. For example, if your last name is smith, your ancestor was a black smith. If your last name is Carpenter your ancestor was a carpenter. And if your last name is Dickinson I have some bad news

Pinocchio has been getting complaints from his girlfriend....

Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his girlfriend. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters. "
So
Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for advice.
"Sandpaper," said the carpenter. "That's what you need. " So
Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks later the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. "How are you getting on with the girls now? " he asked. "Who needs girls? " said
Pinocchio."

One day jesus was manning the gates for St Peter...

One day Jesus was manning the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered "Pinocchio?"

Saint Peter has a day off...

... so Jesus takes his place. A man arrives at the Pearly Gates.

Jesus: Hello. Name?
Man: Joseph.
Jesus: What did you do for a living?
Man: Well...I was a carpenter.
Jesus: Have you made any good to humanity?
Man: Oh yes. I raised a child that revolutionized the world.

After along pause... Of thinking how much of a coincidence it is... Of re-reading what he wrote down. Jesus look up. Tears in his eyes.

Jesus: DAD?!

Man: PINOCCHIO!

A Comprehensive Guide on How to be Like Jesus

1. Be a carpenter.

2. Be a nice guy.

3. ???

4. Prophet.

Jesus Christ goes up to heaven...

He walks up an old man and says "Excuse me but I'm looking for my father.

The old man says "That's funny! I'm looking for my son!"

Jesus says "Well, actually, my father isn't really my father".

The old man says "That's funny! My son isn't really my son!"

Jesus says "My father was a carpenter".

The old man says "That's funny! I'M a carpenter!!!"

Jesus throws his arms around the old man and say "Daaaaaad!"

The old many throws his arms around Jesus and says "Pinocchio!!!!"

Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?"

"Making a bolt for the door, your honour."

My wife has been keeping secrets from me.

I just built a fence and put down some paving. Turns out not only is she a master carpenter she's also an expert brick layer. If only I had known earlier I could have sought her advice before I did the work. It would have saved me from making all the obvious mistakes she pointed out after the work was done.

Why was Jesus such a bad carpenter?

He couldn't remove three nails to save his life

Saint Peter is doing his daily routine...

Saint Peter is doing his daily routine at the heavenly gates when he has to pee.
Jesus comes by bringing him his daily coffee and Peter asks him to man the gates for a couple of minutes.


- Sure man, what do I have to do?

- It's not that hard , St. Peter says, You just ask a few questions about what the person has done in his life, listen to their story and let them in – or not.

So Jesus takes over, when suddenly an old man approaches.

So... who are you and what have you done in your life?

- Well, I was a carpenter, and I had a son, but he wasn't really my son, there was no sex involved, he came to life by some kind of magic, I can't explain…

Jesus is bewildered. "Can you describe your son?"

- He went on a big journey, and he had holes in his hands and feet.

Jesus is completely flabbergasted and stumbles: … Dad?

The old carpenter starts crying and screams:

[-"PINOCCHIO ??!!](/spoiler)

Did you hear about the blind carpenter and the magic hammer?

He picked up the hammer and saw.

What kind of gun would Jesus own?

A nail gun. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ya know, him being a carpenter and all.

King Arthur wasn't pleased with the quality of his new table.

The carpenter had cut some corners.

How does a carpenter effectively build stairs?

He thinks one step ahead

Who was the world's first carpenter?

Eve. She made Adam's banana stand

Wardrobe problem

A woman living close to the train station buys a new wardrobe to replace an old one in her bedroom. However, she encounteres a big problem: whenever a train stops at the station, the wardrobe collapses. She decides to call for the carpenter, who also can't find the reason why is this happening. However, he comes up with an idea: he'll try to see from inside of the wardrobe what is causing it to break.

This day, the woman's husband comes home early. First thing he notices is men's coat, obviously not belonging to him. Furious, he rushes to the wardrobe and opens it, only to see a man waiting there. Resigned, carpenter says:

- Knock me out man. You're not gonna believe I'm waiting for a train.

A young carpenter was looking to make some money...

Shortly after Jesus was crucified, a young carpenter saw his opportunity to make some money from the late martyr. He began making small wooden crucifixes depicting Jesus, and people were queuing up to buy them.

One day, a man came in with a request. "I want you to make the biggest crucifix you can. I am very rich. I will pay you more money than you can imagine," he said. The carpenter said he would try his best.

And so he began. He toiled day and night, carving every intricate detail to create the biggest depiction of Jesus on the cross that he could.

When he was done, the rich man returned. Upon seeing the carpenter's work, he exclaimed "This is magnificent! This is the biggest carving I've ever seen!" Truly pleased, the rich man handed over the money he promised. The carpenter accepted it, and smiled gleefully - he had made a huge prophet.

Jesus walks in to an employment office

The man behind the desk, stunned says "hello Jesus, how can I help you?"

"I'm looking for work, my son" Jesus replies

"Can I ask what skills you have?"

"Well I'm a qualified carpenter"

The employment officer bashes his details in to the computer

"Well I have two carpentry jobs, Jesus, one is in Edinburgh, big job, and it pays about Β£2000 per month! The other one I have is in Jerusalem, and get this Jesus, it pays Β£10,000 per month"

Jesus mulls it over and says "I think I'll apply for the job in Edinburgh"

"But Jesus, the job in Jerusalem pays five times as much"

"But yes the last time I worked there I got nailed by tax"

one morning before going to work, a wife asks his husband...

one morning before going to work, a wife asks her husband..."Can you fix our kitchen sink?" but he tells her that..."Hello! am I a plumber?!!" and she also tells him that... "how about our broken table?..." and the husband replies..."Hello! am I a carpenter?!!" and the husband goes to his work... when he came home after work, the husband is puzzled why the kitchen sink and their table are already fixed. So he asks his wife "honey... who fix all of these things?.. she said "a man saw me crying and he asked why.. so i told him that our kitchen sink and table are broken and I have no idea who can fix them.. the man offered his help and gave me an offer that he will fix it in exchange for a cake or sex.." so the husband asks.." so you gave him a cake?.." and the wife tells him... " Hello!! am I a Baker???"

I grew up in a broken home

My father was a drunk carpenter.

Today a whole bunch of friends in trade school started throwing jokes around. These were the funniest.

What do you call a electrician who tries to be a carpenter?
A lousy carpenter

What do yoy call a carpenter who tries to be an electrican?
A dead carpenter

What do you call a electrician with a hammer?
Thief

What do carpenters and camgirls have in common?

They both bang their fingers for a living.

Three Men Brag About Their Sons.

Three men are in a bar. They are talking about how great their sons are to their respective girlfriends. The first man says my son is an amazing pilot. He gave his girlfriend a plane as a gift he is the best. The second man says well my son happens to be a great carpenter he actually built his girlfriend a three story house. The final man says my son is gay but his boyfriend must really like him, he got a plane and a three story house from him.

Jesus relieves St. Peter at he pearly gates for a coffee break.

Soon an old man approaches to be admitted. Jesus thinks to himself..."Oh man, I know this guy from somewhere." Embarrassed, he says, "Yes, I know you. On Earth you lived...let's see..." The old man says, "I lived in a Mediterranean country." Jesus says, "Right, I remember. And you worked as...uh..." "I was a carpenter." the old man says. "Yes, and kids, you had..." The old man says, "Well there was the boy, but he wasn't really mine." Then it clicks, Jesus looks at the old man and cries, "Dad!" and the old man cries, "Pinocchio!"

A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All they needed now was to chop down a tree to make the raft.
"That's easy," says the economist. "Let's assume an axe."

A carpenter, plumber, an electrician and a welder are all dating the same woman. What do you call her?

A jack off all trades

The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but...

the new guy screwed everything up

A carpenter goes to a brothel.

Had a threesome with two bi whores.

I once dated a workaholic carpenter.

I told her to choose: "It's me or your tools."

She chose the ladder.

Jesus said 'he who lives by the sword does by the sword'

And in all fairness he had a point. After all he was a carpenter who died by being hammered to a piece of wood.

I had to fire my carpenter

Turns out he was a mahoganist.

How can you tell Jesus was Irish?

He lived at home until he was in his thirties, he thought his mother was a virgin, he was an unemployed carpenter who got into trouble with the Empire, his last night on Earth was spent out drinking with his mates, and his last request was a drink.

What's the difference between a carpet-er and a carpenter? (NSFW)

The carpet-er wants the carpet to match the drapes, but a carpenter will put his wood anywhere if the money's right

Two carpenters are nailing up siding...

Two carpenters are nailing up siding one day. The first carpenter grabs a nail from his pouch, examines it, and then tosses it in the trash. He proceeds to grab another nail, examine it, and then hammers it into the siding. He repeats this process several time. Finally the second carpenter turns to him and asks "Why are you doing that?" to which the first carpenter replies "Half of these nails have the head on the wrong end!" The second carpenter says back to him "You idiot! Those are for the other side of the house!"

Three men are talking about their wives...

There are three men sat around a table in a bar.

The first man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. When I got home last night I found a pair of pliers and some insulating tape behind the radiator in the bedroom - we've not had any work done on the house, and I can't think of any other way they could have got there"

The second man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a carpenter. Last night I found a toolbelt in the laundry basket, and we've not had any renovations to the house for years..."

The third man says, "I'm in the same boat, but I don't think you two have it as bad. My wife is having an affair with a horse!

When I got home last night I found a jockey hidden in the wardrobe."

I once knew a mexican carpenter who specialised in bedroom furniture, and he always bragged about never sleeping with the same girl twice.

Juan Nightstand

The carpenter walks up to his boss..

.. and asks for tomorrow off as his wife is going to have a baby.
The boss gives him the day off.

Two days later the boss asks the carpenter if it was a boy or a girl.
The carpenter replies "we'll see in 9 months"

Why did the carpenter join the army?

Because he wanted to be a Drill Sergeant

Why was Mary a virgin?

Because Joseph the Carpenter worked his own wood.

I'm skeptical about hiring a carpenter to make my furniture

But I'm sure it woodwork

Did Jesus ever have morning wood?

He was a carpenter right?
(This is courtesy of my SO)

The Carpenter came around the other day...

He made an amazing entrance!

What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife?

He gets hammered and she gets nailed.

If Eve was the first carpenter, she also must have been very rich.

Eve was a carpenter because she made Adam's banana stand.


And there is always money in the banana stand.

One day Jesus is helping St. Peter at the Gates to Heaven...

One day Jesus is helping St. Peter at the Gates to Heaven when an old man approaches.

"What have you done to enter Paradise?" Jesus asks.

"Me?" replies the old man, "not much, I am just a simple carpenter but my son makes me worthy."

"Your son?" asks Jesus

"Yes, my son. He was born under remarkable circumstances and underwent a miraculous transformation. He was loved by many and continues to be loved to this very day. His name will never be forgotten."

Jesus approaches the man and hugs him tightly, "Father!"

The old man hugs him back, "Pinocchio?"

We have collected gags that can be used as Carpenter pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Carpenter, here are one liners and funny Carpenter pick up lines.

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