A man and his wife are talking.
W- can you help me in the garden?
H- do i look like a fucking gardener?
W- well can you help with the door?
H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?
Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.
H- see I knew you could do it!
W- wasn't me. It was John the neighbor.
H- how much you pay him?
W- no money he gave me the choice between sex and bread.
H- I hope you gave him bread.
W- Do I look like a fucking baker?
The second nightstand.
...I'm so sorry.
He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.
So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"
As he tripped over his hammer and saw
A matching one for the other side of the bed.
No wood gets wasted
They crucified the carpenter.
A joiner makes sure that what he makes fits with the rest down to the tenth of a millimeter.
A carpenter makes sure it fits down to a millimeter.
A mason makes sure it fits down to the centimeter.
If the painter makes it to the right address, it's a good thing.
'Me too' I says 'but they're all shit'
They came, they saw, they conquered
When an old man approaches.
"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.
"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day."
Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?"
The man looks back; "... Pinocchio?"
Maybe Jesus shouldn't have been a carpenter.
A carpenter came home one day only to discover his wife in bed with another man.
In a total rage, he dragged the naked man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.
He then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next he picked up a hacksaw.
The terrified man, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"
The man, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
Three in a camp and a Nazi told them, "I am going to mutilate you by your profession. What do y'all do for a living?"
The first said, "I am a carpenter."
In return the Nazi cut his dick off.
The second said, "I'm a gun Smith."
In return the Nazi shot his dick off.
The Nazi looked at the third and asked his profession.
The Jewish man smiled and said, "I sold suckers."
A house was being built across the street and he asks his mother if he can go watch the carpenters work. His mom agrees and says "Maybe you will learn something." So he sits on a stump all day and watches the men work. After they finish for the day little Johnny goes home and his mother asks "Well, Johnny, did you learn anything today?"
"Yeah! A lot" said little Johnny. His mom says "Tell me about it, what did you learn?
"Well, its not easy to put up a door. You try to put the mother fucker up but that shit doesn't fit, so you take it down and shave a cunt hair off each side. Then you put that cocksuckin bitch back up."
Johnny's mother, in shock, exclaims angrily "Johnny! That's terrible! Just wait till your father gets home!"
A few hours later his father comes home and little Johnny tells him the same story. His father gets really upset and says "Johnny! Go out back and fetch me a switch!"
Little Johnny replies "Fuck you, that's the electrician's job!"
They came, they saw, they conquered.
A carpenter and his apprentice are building a fence. Coming back from the truck, the carpenter sees his apprentice grab a nail from his box, squint at it, and throw it away over his shoulder. Then, he grabs another nail, checks it out, and hammers it into the fence. Grabs the next nail, hammers it in, but throws away the following nail. Perplexed, the carpenter goes over, points to the discarded nails, and asks, "What the hell are you doing, throwing away these nails?!"
"Well boss, half these nails have the heads on the wrong end."
"You idiot!" shouts the carpenter, "Those nails are for the other side of the fence!"
Back in olden days, people got their last names by their profession or something they were known for. For example, if your last name is smith, your ancestor was a black smith. If your last name is Carpenter your ancestor was a carpenter. And if your last name is Dickinson I have some bad news
Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his girlfriend. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters. "
So
Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for advice.
"Sandpaper," said the carpenter. "That's what you need. " So
Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks later the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. "How are you getting on with the girls now? " he asked. "Who needs girls? " said
Pinocchio."
One day Jesus was manning the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered "Pinocchio?"
... so Jesus takes his place. A man arrives at the Pearly Gates.
Jesus: Hello. Name?
Man: Joseph.
Jesus: What did you do for a living?
Man: Well...I was a carpenter.
Jesus: Have you made any good to humanity?
Man: Oh yes. I raised a child that revolutionized the world.
After along pause... Of thinking how much of a coincidence it is... Of re-reading what he wrote down. Jesus look up. Tears in his eyes.
Jesus: DAD?!
Man: PINOCCHIO!
So a man owns and runs a bar. He's talking to his latest guest. See this bar? I built it myself. Do they call me Fred the builder? No. See that stool you're sitting on? Built it myself. Do they call me Fred the carpenter? No. See that bridge out to mainland? Built it myself. Do they call me Fred the bridge builder? No. My wife was sick. Grew the herbs and made her a remedy. Do they call me Fred the doctor? No. But you fuck one goat.
1. Be a carpenter.
2. Be a nice guy.
3. ???
4. Prophet.
"Why Johnny, where were you all afternoon?" his mother asks.
"I've been watching them work on the new house getting built down the street. I'm learning all about being a carpenter!"
"Oh really?" she asks, amused. "What kind of wood are they building it out of?"
"Why, they're using no-good goddamn low-budget bullshit wood, mom!"
"Johnny! Watch your language! Why I'll bet you haven't been watching the construction site at all, have you?!"
"Sure I have! They've been putting in piece-of-shit doors all afternoon, and just before I left they put in another sonuvabitch window!"
Aghast, Johnny's mother stands up straight and tells him, "Johnny! You go out there this instant and *cut me a switch*!"
Johnny looks thoughtful for a moment and replies, "Nah, fuck it, mom. That's a job for the electrician."
He walks up an old man and says "Excuse me but I'm looking for my father.
The old man says "That's funny! I'm looking for my son!"
Jesus says "Well, actually, my father isn't really my father".
The old man says "That's funny! My son isn't really my son!"
Jesus says "My father was a carpenter".
The old man says "That's funny! I'M a carpenter!!!"
Jesus throws his arms around the old man and say "Daaaaaad!"
The old many throws his arms around Jesus and says "Pinocchio!!!!"
I just built a fence and put down some paving. Turns out not only is she a master carpenter she's also an expert brick layer. If only I had known earlier I could have sought her advice before I did the work. It would have saved me from making all the obvious mistakes she pointed out after the work was done.
One day a man needed to have a fence built at his house.
He talked to the carpenter and explained how he wanted his new fence to circle property, in the shape of a 'D', when viewed from above. The carpenter said "Sure, no problem. I can have it done for you in a couple of days".
The man returned two days later to inspect his new fence. But when he saw it he was pissed, it was the wrong shape.
"What the fuck is wrong with you!" he said. "I told you to build it in the shape of a letter 'D'!. This is the shape of an 'O'!".
The carpenter turned to the man and said, "Well, you know what they say. The best 'D' fence is a good 'O' fence."
He couldn't remove three nails to save his life
Madame calls the local carpenter out to the old whore house for work.
She has him install a partition wall in one of the larger rooms upstairs. After the works done he goes to the madame to collec his pay.
"That'll be 500 bucks mam." Says the carpenter.
The madame offers a trade he may take his pay in trade with any of the whores in the house and she rings a bell. Soon the room is filled with the most beautiful and stunnin whores the man has ever seen. In awe he walks the room several times. Eventually hr stops in front of the old Madame. Eyes her up and down wrinkles, gray hair, dentures and all.
"Mind if I take my payment out with you ma'lady?"
Slightly take back by this the Madame dismisses the girls and agrees to the carpenters request. He asks her to strip naked and lie down. She complies. He lowers himself down between her legs and slides his index finger into her pussy and his thumb into her asshole and squeezes them together and says
"Give me my 500 bucks or I rip out the partition!"
Saint Peter is doing his daily routine at the heavenly gates when he has to pee.
Jesus comes by bringing him his daily coffee and Peter asks him to man the gates for a couple of minutes.
- Sure man, what do I have to do?
- It's not that hard , St. Peter says, You just ask a few questions about what the person has done in his life, listen to their story and let them in – or not.
So Jesus takes over, when suddenly an old man approaches.
So... who are you and what have you done in your life?
- Well, I was a carpenter, and I had a son, but he wasn't really my son, there was no sex involved, he came to life by some kind of magic, I can't explain…
Jesus is bewildered. "Can you describe your son?"
- He went on a big journey, and he had holes in his hands and feet.
Jesus is completely flabbergasted and stumbles: … Dad?
The old carpenter starts crying and screams:
[-"PINOCCHIO ??!!](/spoiler)
The carpenter swings, and misses. He yells "God damn it!"
The priest rebukes him "Thou shalt not take the name of thy Lord in vain!"
The carpenter just waves him off, and swings again. And misses. "God DAMN it! Missed again!"
The priest exclaims "The Lord might strike you down with lightning for that!"
The carpenter just laughs him off and swings a third time. "**GOD DAMN IT! MISSED AGAIN!**"
Suddenly, a bolt of lightning comes down from the clear blue sky and turns the priest into a puff of smoke. A deep, booming voice comes down from above.
"GOD DAMN! MISSED AGAIN!"
He picked up the hammer and saw.
A nail gun. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ya know, him being a carpenter and all.
The carpenter had cut some corners.
He thinks one step ahead
Eve. She made Adam's banana stand
A carpenter comes home to find his wife with another man. He calmly walks the man into the garage, puts his dick in a vice, and goes to get a saw. The man starts pleading, "Don't cut it off! Don't do it, please!". The carpenter hands the saw to the man and tells him "The saw is for you. Now, I'm going to light the garage on fire. What you do next is your decision."
A woman living close to the train station buys a new wardrobe to replace an old one in her bedroom. However, she encounteres a big problem: whenever a train stops at the station, the wardrobe collapses. She decides to call for the carpenter, who also can't find the reason why is this happening. However, he comes up with an idea: he'll try to see from inside of the wardrobe what is causing it to break.
This day, the woman's husband comes home early. First thing he notices is men's coat, obviously not belonging to him. Furious, he rushes to the wardrobe and opens it, only to see a man waiting there. Resigned, carpenter says:
- Knock me out man. You're not gonna believe I'm waiting for a train.
Shortly after Jesus was crucified, a young carpenter saw his opportunity to make some money from the late martyr. He began making small wooden crucifixes depicting Jesus, and people were queuing up to buy them.
One day, a man came in with a request. "I want you to make the biggest crucifix you can. I am very rich. I will pay you more money than you can imagine," he said. The carpenter said he would try his best.
And so he began. He toiled day and night, carving every intricate detail to create the biggest depiction of Jesus on the cross that he could.
When he was done, the rich man returned. Upon seeing the carpenter's work, he exclaimed "This is magnificent! This is the biggest carving I've ever seen!" Truly pleased, the rich man handed over the money he promised. The carpenter accepted it, and smiled gleefully - he had made a huge prophet.
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
Created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit,
Using a knife,he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
By using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
With a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
He threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
He touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,
Last came a sailor, a dirty little runt,
He sucked it and fucked it and called it a cunt.
The man behind the desk, stunned says "hello Jesus, how can I help you?"
"I'm looking for work, my son" Jesus replies
"Can I ask what skills you have?"
"Well I'm a qualified carpenter"
The employment officer bashes his details in to the computer
"Well I have two carpentry jobs, Jesus, one is in Edinburgh, big job, and it pays about £2000 per month! The other one I have is in Jerusalem, and get this Jesus, it pays £10,000 per month"
Jesus mulls it over and says "I think I'll apply for the job in Edinburgh"
"But Jesus, the job in Jerusalem pays five times as much"
"But yes the last time I worked there I got nailed by tax"
He takes his son to the town square and he says "see these beautiful buildings and shops? Me and my buddies built them with our own bare hands. And no one calls me a carpenter or an architect...."
Then he takes him to the local creek.
"See this creek and the irrigation system in it? Me and my buddies built it so we could grow crops and use our farm lands. And no one calls me a farmer or a handyman...."
Then he takes him to the schoolhouse.
"See this beautiful school and all these books?
Me and my buddies built this school and I used to teach here web I was younger. And no one calls me a scholar or a teacher....
**But you fuck ONE GOAT!**"
one morning before going to work, a wife asks her husband..."Can you fix our kitchen sink?" but he tells her that..."Hello! am I a plumber?!!" and she also tells him that... "how about our broken table?..." and the husband replies..."Hello! am I a carpenter?!!" and the husband goes to his work... when he came home after work, the husband is puzzled why the kitchen sink and their table are already fixed. So he asks his wife "honey... who fix all of these things?.. she said "a man saw me crying and he asked why.. so i told him that our kitchen sink and table are broken and I have no idea who can fix them.. the man offered his help and gave me an offer that he will fix it in exchange for a cake or sex.." so the husband asks.." so you gave him a cake?.." and the wife tells him... " Hello!! am I a Baker???"
My father was a drunk carpenter.
Three men are in a bar. They are talking about how great their sons are to their respective girlfriends. The first man says my son is an amazing pilot. He gave his girlfriend a plane as a gift he is the best. The second man says well my son happens to be a great carpenter he actually built his girlfriend a three story house. The final man says my son is gay but his boyfriend must really like him, he got a plane and a three story house from him.
What do you call a electrician who tries to be a carpenter?
A lousy carpenter
What do yoy call a carpenter who tries to be an electrican?
A dead carpenter
What do you call a electrician with a hammer?
Thief
They both bang their fingers for a living.
"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All they needed now was to chop down a tree to make the raft.
"That's easy," says the economist. "Let's assume an axe."
...he shouts down to the apprentice but the kid can't hear him, so he does sign language. He points to his eye "I", his knee "need", and then moves his hand back and forth in a saw motion. The apprentice nods, pulls down his pants and starts to wank. The furious carpenter runs downstairs and says, "What the fuck are you doing? I said I need my saw!"
"I know," says the apprentice, "I was just letting you know I was coming."
Soon an old man approaches to be admitted. Jesus thinks to himself..."Oh man, I know this guy from somewhere." Embarrassed, he says, "Yes, I know you. On Earth you lived...let's see..." The old man says, "I lived in a Mediterranean country." Jesus says, "Right, I remember. And you worked as...uh..." "I was a carpenter." the old man says. "Yes, and kids, you had..." The old man says, "Well there was the boy, but he wasn't really mine." Then it clicks, Jesus looks at the old man and cries, "Dad!" and the old man cries, "Pinocchio!"
He picked up his hammer and saw.
W- can you help me in the garden?
H- do i look like a fucking gardener?
W- well can you help with the door?
H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?
Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.
H- see I knew you could do it!
W- wasn't me. It was John the neighbor.
H- how much you pay him?
W- no money he gave me the choice between sex and bread.
H- I hope you gave him bread.
W- Do I look like a fucking baker?
A jack off all trades
the new guy screwed everything up
Had a threesome with two bi whores.
Turns out he was a mahoganist.
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Carpenter? Well, here are the best Carpenter puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Carpenter pick up lines to share with friends.