Carpe Jokes
73 carpe jokes and hilarious carpe puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about carpe that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the power of a good joke with this exploration of the history of Latin phrase "Carpe Diem". Learn how an ancient proverb can still be applied today and how to incorporate it in funny and creative ways. Get ready to seize the day and make everyone laugh!
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Funniest Carpe Short Jokes
Short carpe jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The carpe humour may include short bilingual jokes also.
- What do you call that friend who will always seize the opportunity to run a Dungeons & Dragons game for your group? A Carpe D.M
- My Japanese carp recently got a new aquarium, but they're hiding in rocks and not coming out so much. They're acting a bit koi.
- [True story] I ordered fresh tilapia with my groceries from the supermarket, but they gave me frozen instead Tastes like carp.
- I went on a date with a small carp once. Bit of a tease, kept acting shy. She was a little koi.
- Carpe Diem is a great motto and all... but if you seize everyday, you probably have epilepsy
- Intellectual Property Carpe TM.
- What did they call the district manager with epilepsy? Carpe DM
- Has anyone heard of that Indian tribe that shape shift into Carp and float slowly through the woods all spooky-like? You mean you've never heard of the Eerie Koi before?
- How do you prepare and cook a carp for eating? Clean it. Put it on a wooden cutting board. Season. Bake for 15 minutes at 375 degrees. Throw the carp out and eat the cutting board.
- Did you hear about the guy who claimed he caught the world-record carp with a machete? Turns out, he hacked the scales.
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Carpe One Liners
Which carpe one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with carpe? I can suggest the ones about motto and seize.
- Just finished building doors for my fish. I'm highly skilled in the field of carp-entry.
- Did You Hear About The Preist That Was A Fish? Holy Carp! There he is
- I'm going to buy my Dungeon Master a goldfish So I can carp a DM
- Why was the fish a slow typer He had Carp-al Tunnel
- I get confused with these Latin phrases. Is it carpe tunnel or per diem?
- Carpe Dime Seize the coin.
- Sign above an Instagram entrepreneur's door: "Carpe DM"
- Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome? The Carpe DM
- What do you call a spontaneous fish that loves new-age techno? Carp EDM
- How do Romans pick up women? Carpe DMs.
- What kind of music does an inspired Latin fish listen to? Carp E.D.M.
- My friend is a great fisherman But terrible with women. He treats them like carp
- Why did the fisherman's wrists hurt? He had Carp-L tunnel syndrome. :'(
- Carpe diem? More like "Carpe medium productionis."
- What's an epileptic's motto? Carpe diem.
Carpe Diem Jokes
Here is a list of funny carpe diem jokes and even better carpe diem puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I just remembered the name of the cellist who composed the song "Carpe Diem" #YOLO Ma
Howlingly Hilarious Carpe Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about carpe you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean slogan jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make carpe pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is a carpenters dream girl?
What is a carpenters dream girl? Flat as a board, skinny as a nail and easy to screw.
My carpenter refused to make me a kitchen worktop
He said it would be counter-productive.
What did the carpenter say to the girl he loved?
Oh sweetheart, you are the eye of my maple....
New carpenter
It's a carpenter's first day on the job building a house. The foreman notices that he looks at each nail before driving it, and throws half of them away.
"Why are you throwing all those nails away?
"The head is on the wrong end."
"You idiot, don't throw those away! Those are for the other side of the house."
What did the carpenter say when his spirit level broke?
He literally could not even.
The carpenter walks up to his boss..
.. and asks for tomorrow off as his wife is going to have a baby.
The boss gives him the day off.
Two days later the boss asks the carpenter if it was a boy or a girl.
The carpenter replies "we'll see in 9 months"
Are you a carpenter?
Because your fabricating stories!
How does a carpenter effectively build stairs?
He thinks one step ahead
If the carpet matches the drapes
I'll install the hardwood for free
A carpenter buys a lopsided piece of furniture...
Oh how the tables have turned
What does a carpenter do after one night stand?
A matching one for the other side of the bed.
How can you tell if a carpenter is happy?
Check his spirit level.
Does the carpet match the drapes?
Nope, I've got hardwood.
Why do carpet in white folk houses always need vacuuming?
Crackers always leave crumbs.
Who was the world's first carpenter?
Eve. She made Adam's banana stand
Why did the carpenter join the army?
Because he wanted to be a Drill Sergeant
What happens when you let a carpenter near your wife?
He nuts and bolts.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A carpenter goes to a brothel.
Had a t**... with two bi w**....
What did the carpet enthusiast say to his mistress?
I haven't had hard wood in 15 years.
My carpenter is a narcissist.
He can be really shelf centered.
What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife?
He gets hammered and she gets nailed.
What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?
The second nightstand.
...I'm so sorry.
My carpentry exam went really well.
I totally nailed it.
As a carpenter my father used to always tell me "Son, remember it's measure twice cut once."
I just wish he'd told my Rabbi that too.
A carpenter sent me her bill for installing a skylight in my windowless bathroom.
I only paid her half the bill. She called and asked why. I said, It doesn't work at night.
What do carpenters and camgirls have in common?
They both bang their fingers for a living.
Carpenters should never drink on the job
They might go too far and get hammered.
A carpenter from Nazareth walks into the wood store...
And he's looking for joiners...
A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.
"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All they needed now was to chop down a tree to make the raft.
"That's easy," says the economist. "Let's assume an axe."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Carpenters
Two carpenters were working on a house. One older one and one newer to the job. They were both working on one side of the house. After a few hours of working the older guy noticed the young guy looking at every nail, then dropping about half. The older one exclaimed about this and asked. Why are you wasting those perfectly good nails? the second guy answered
They're facing the wrong direction!
You idiot! The older man exclaimed. They're for the other side of the house!
How did the carpenter know the board was cut in half?
He saw it.
Carpenter needed for 10 Downing Street
The Cabinets falling apart
The Carpenter came around the other day...
He made an amazing entrance!
Why aren't carpenters superstitious?
Because they're always knocking on wood!
Why did the carpenter get fire from his job making round houses?
He was always cutting corners
A carpenter pulls up to his doctor with his truck
"Took me a while to source the right kind of spruce, but I have the stool samples you asked for"
Two carpenters sitting on the back of a Ute eating their lunch as storm clouds roll over
First Carpenter says 'those clouds are looking ominous'
The second Carpenter looks up from his sandwich shakes his head and says 'no mate their cumulus'
My carpenter friend brought me a single plank of wood by 5 o'clock today. I was livid!
"Whats wrong?" he asked.
"You told me you'd bring me 2 by 4!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The carpet
An attractive, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian carpets. She looks around, spots a beautiful carpet, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the carpet she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed. Standing behind her is a salesman.
"Good day, ma'am, how may I help you today?"
Flustered, she asks, "Yes, uh, how much does this carpet cost?"
"Madam," he answers, "If you f**... just touching it, you're gonna s**... when you hear the price."
What is a carpenters favorite band?
Nine inch nails.
What did the carpenter say after he walked in on his boss with the secretary?
I saw too much!
My carpet is not smooth at all.
It's rather rugged.
How do carpenters get certified?
They take a board exam
Tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork…
Think I nailed it!
How does a carpenter order 5 beers?
With 2 hands.
(I hope this common Swiss Joke/Proverb didn't got posted a lot here)
What does a bad carpenter have in common with a bad symphony conductor?
That both want to know what's a tuba for.
