The Best 52 Carpe Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Carpe jokes. There are some carpe guten jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these carpe diem puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Carpe Jokes and Puns

What is a carpenters dream girl?

What is a carpenters dream girl? Flat as a board, skinny as a nail and easy to screw.

My carpenter refused to make me a kitchen worktop

He said it would be counter-productive.

New carpenter

It's a carpenter's first day on the job building a house. The foreman notices that he looks at each nail before driving it, and throws half of them away.

"Why are you throwing all those nails away?

"The head is on the wrong end."

"You idiot, don't throw those away! Those are for the other side of the house."

Carpe joke, New carpenter

What did the carpenter say when his spirit level broke?

He literally could not even.

The carpenter walks up to his boss..

.. and asks for tomorrow off as his wife is going to have a baby.
The boss gives him the day off.

Two days later the boss asks the carpenter if it was a boy or a girl.
The carpenter replies "we'll see in 9 months"

Are you a carpenter?

Because your fabricating stories!

Intellectual Property

Carpe TM.

Carpe joke, Intellectual Property

How does a carpenter effectively build stairs?

He thinks one step ahead

If the carpet matches the drapes

I'll install the hardwood for free

What does a carpenter do after one night stand?

A matching one for the other side of the bed.

How can you tell if a carpenter is happy?

Check his spirit level.

You can explore carpe vici reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean carpe call dad jokes. There are also carpe puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming?

Crackers always leave crumbs.

What's an epileptic's motto?

Carpe diem.

Who was the world's first carpenter?

Eve. She made Adam's banana stand

How do Romans pick up women?

Carpe DMs.

Why did the carpenter join the army?

Because he wanted to be a Drill Sergeant

Carpe joke, Why did the carpenter join the army?

A carpenter goes to a brothel.

Had a threesome with two bi whores.

What did the carpet enthusiast say to his mistress?

I haven't had hard wood in 15 years.

My carpenter is a narcissist.

He can be really shelf centered.

What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife?

He gets hammered and she gets nailed.

Carpe diem?

More like "Carpe medium productionis."

Sign above an Instagram entrepreneur's door:

"Carpe DM"

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

My carpentry exam went really well.

I totally nailed it.

As a carpenter my father used to always tell me "Son, remember it's measure twice cut once."

I just wish he'd told my Rabbi that too.

A carpenter sent me her bill for installing a skylight in my windowless bathroom.

I only paid her half the bill. She called and asked why. I said, It doesn't work at night.

What did they call the district manager with epilepsy?

Carpe DM

What do carpenters and camgirls have in common?

They both bang their fingers for a living.

How did the carpenter lose all his teeth?

By biting his nails.

Carpenters should never drink on the job

They might go too far and get hammered.

A carpenter from Nazareth walks into the wood store...

And he's looking for joiners...

A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All they needed now was to chop down a tree to make the raft.
"That's easy," says the economist. "Let's assume an axe."

Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?

The Carpe DM

Carpe Dime

Seize the coin.

Two Carpenters

Two carpenters were working on a house. One older one and one newer to the job. They were both working on one side of the house. After a few hours of working the older guy noticed the young guy looking at every nail, then dropping about half. The older one exclaimed about this and asked. Why are you wasting those perfectly good nails? the second guy answered
They're facing the wrong direction!
You idiot! The older man exclaimed. They're for the other side of the house!

What do you call that friend who will always seize the opportunity to run a Dungeons & Dragons game for your group?

A Carpe D.M

Carpe Diem is a great motto and all...

but if you seize everyday, you probably have epilepsy

The Carpenter came around the other day...

He made an amazing entrance!

Why aren't carpenters superstitious?

Because they're always knocking on wood!

Why did the carpenter get fire from his job making round houses?

He was always cutting corners

A carpenter pulls up to his doctor with his truck

"Took me a while to source the right kind of spruce, but I have the stool samples you asked for"

Two carpenters sitting on the back of a Ute eating their lunch as storm clouds roll over

First Carpenter says 'those clouds are looking ominous'
The second Carpenter looks up from his sandwich shakes his head and says 'no mate their cumulus'

An old carpenter was carrying a coffin on his head

An old man was carrying a coffin on his head in his bicycle during midnight. He saw a cop standing near a check post who stopped him. The cop asked him why he was carrying coffin on his head. Fearing he might have to bribe the cop he said It was so hot wherever I was buried. I am trying to move to a new burial ground with my coffin . The cop fainted.

Who was the first carpenter mentioned in the bible?

Eve. She made Adam's hotdog stand.

My carpenter friend brought me a single plank of wood by 5 o'clock today. I was livid!

"Whats wrong?" he asked.
"You told me you'd bring me 2 by 4!"

The carpet

An attractive, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian carpets. She looks around, spots a beautiful carpet, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the carpet she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed. Standing behind her is a salesman.

"Good day, ma'am, how may I help you today?"

Flustered, she asks, "Yes, uh, how much does this carpet cost?"

"Madam," he answers, "If you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork...

I think I nailed it but nobody saw it.

I get confused with these Latin phrases.

Is it carpe tunnel or per diem?

What is a carpenters favorite band?

Nine inch nails.

What did the carpenter say after he walked in on his boss with the secretary?

I saw too much!

My carpet is not smooth at all.

It's rather rugged.

How do carpenters get certified?

They take a board exam

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the carpe motto jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working carpe bilingual piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes