Carp Jokes
93 carp jokes and hilarious carp puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about carp that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make your next fishing trip more than a success with a few of these carp jokes! From koi carp to chub, these fish-related jokes are sure to make your fishing buddies laugh. Whether you're a casual angler or a pro, these fishy puns will have you reeling in the fun!
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Funniest Carp Short Jokes
Short carp jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The carp humour may include short car part jokes also.
- What do you call that friend who will always seize the opportunity to run a Dungeons & Dragons game for your group? A Carpe D.M
- My Japanese carp recently got a new aquarium, but they're hiding in rocks and not coming out so much. They're acting a bit koi.
- [True story] I ordered fresh tilapia with my groceries from the supermarket, but they gave me frozen instead Tastes like carp.
- What's the difference between Neymar and a Dolphin? When a dolphin dives he's fishing for a carp for food on a reef ...
When Neymar dives he's fishing for a card from a fool of a ref - I went on a date with a small carp once. Bit of a tease, kept acting shy. She was a little koi.
- Carpe Diem is a great motto and all... but if you seize everyday, you probably have epilepsy
- Apparently, Kevin James has been convicted of murdering a fish in cold blood. It's true, Paul Blart mauled carp.
- Intellectual Property Carpe TM.
- What did they call the district manager with epilepsy? Carpe DM
- CARPE DIEM! Seize the day is a great motto to live by... Unless you have epilepsy.
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Carp One Liners
Which carp one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with carp? I can suggest the ones about fish catch and carrot.
- Just finished building doors for my fish. I'm highly skilled in the field of carp-entry.
- Did You Hear About The Preist That Was A Fish? Holy Carp! There he is
- I'm going to buy my Dungeon Master a goldfish So I can carp a DM
- Why was the fish a slow typer He had Carp-al Tunnel
- I get confused with these Latin phrases. Is it carpe tunnel or per diem?
- Carpe Dime Seize the coin.
- Sign above an Instagram entrepreneur's door: "Carpe DM"
- Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome? The Carpe DM
- What do you call a spontaneous fish that loves new-age techno? Carp EDM
- How do Romans pick up women? Carpe DMs.
- What kind of music does an inspired Latin fish listen to? Carp E.D.M.
- My friend is a great fisherman But terrible with women. He treats them like carp
- Why did the fisherman's wrists hurt? He had Carp-L tunnel syndrome. :'(
- Carpe diem? More like "Carpe medium productionis."
- What's an epileptic's motto? Carpe diem.
Carp Fishing Jokes
Here is a list of funny carp fishing jokes and even better carp fishing puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why shouldn't Spanish people engage in spelunking and fishing at the same time? Because they can get Carp El Tunnel Syndrome.
- Where did Noah park his fish? The carp-ark.
- Where does a fish end-up when it flies? A magic carp
Koi Carp Jokes
Here is a list of funny koi carp jokes and even better koi carp puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Has anyone heard of that Indian tribe that shape shift into Carp and float slowly through the woods all spooky-like? You mean you've never heard of the Eerie Koi before?
Great Carp Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about carp you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean catfish jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make carp pranks.
How many Carpathians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know, Vigo and see.
(best read in Yanosh's voice)
A man walks into a fishmongers...
...with a carp under his arm. He asks the man behind the counter "Do you sell fishcakes?" The fishmonger says "Why, yes we do". "Fantastic!" exclaims the man, pointing to the fish under his arm "It's his birthday!"
Two friends are fishing for carp...
...when one of them stands up and as he does, his wallet falls into the water and slowly starts to sink to the bottom of the lake.
As he feverishly attempts to retrieve it, two huge carp appear and both grab the wallet in their mouths and start fighting over it.
The second guy turns to his friend and says, "First time I see carp to carp walleting."
What is a carpenters dream girl?
What is a carpenters dream girl? Flat as a board, skinny as a nail and easy to screw.
What is the carpet doing at the b**... party?
Soaking up the atmosphere.
My carpenter refused to make me a kitchen worktop
He said it would be counter-productive.
Carpentry isn't what Jesus Christ is most known for because he was bored with nails.
New carpenter
It's a carpenter's first day on the job building a house. The foreman notices that he looks at each nail before driving it, and throws half of them away.
"Why are you throwing all those nails away?
"The head is on the wrong end."
"You idiot, don't throw those away! Those are for the other side of the house."
What did the carpenter say when his spirit level broke?
He literally could not even.
The carpenter walks up to his boss..
.. and asks for tomorrow off as his wife is going to have a baby.
The boss gives him the day off.
Two days later the boss asks the carpenter if it was a boy or a girl.
The carpenter replies "we'll see in 9 months"
Are you a carpenter?
Because your fabricating stories!
If it wasn't for Carpal Tunnel
I wouldn't know when to stop m**....
How does a carpenter effectively build stairs?
He thinks one step ahead
How do you prepare and cook a carp for eating?
Clean it. Put it on a wooden cutting board. Season. Bake for 15 minutes at 375 degrees. Throw the carp out and eat the cutting board.
If the carpet matches the drapes
I'll install the hardwood for free
Why I won't carpool.
I thought about carpooling with some co-workers to work, but the problem is that on the way to the office we have to go through a tunnel. I'm deathly afraid of this situation. Turns out I have carpool tunnel syndrome.
What does a carpenter do after one night stand?
A matching one for the other side of the bed.
How can you tell if a carpenter is happy?
Check his spirit level.
What did the car-painter say to the carpenter?
"You sound just like me!"
Why do carpet in white folk houses always need vacuuming?
Crackers always leave crumbs.
Who was the world's first carpenter?
Eve. She made Adam's banana stand
Why did the carpenter join the army?
Because he wanted to be a Drill Sergeant
A carpenter goes to a brothel.
Had a t**... with two bi w**....
What did the carpet enthusiast say to his mistress?
I haven't had hard wood in 15 years.
My carpenter is a narcissist.
He can be really shelf centered.
What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife?
He gets hammered and she gets nailed.
I have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
In my case, it is a s**... transmitted disease.
What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?
The second nightstand.
...I'm so sorry.
I carpool with Michael. J. Fox. Whenever he drives, I feel like royalty.
By royalty, I mean Princess Diana.
My carpentry exam went really well.
I totally nailed it.
As a carpenter my father used to always tell me "Son, remember it's measure twice cut once."
I just wish he'd told my Rabbi that too.
A carpenter sent me her bill for installing a skylight in my windowless bathroom.
I only paid her half the bill. She called and asked why. I said, It doesn't work at night.
What do carpenters and camgirls have in common?
They both bang their fingers for a living.
How did the carpenter lose all his teeth?
By biting his nails.
Carpenters should never drink on the job
They might go too far and get hammered.
A carpenter from Nazareth walks into the wood store...
And he's looking for joiners...
A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.
"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All they needed now was to chop down a tree to make the raft.
"That's easy," says the economist. "Let's assume an axe."
Two Carpenters
Two carpenters were working on a house. One older one and one newer to the job. They were both working on one side of the house. After a few hours of working the older guy noticed the young guy looking at every nail, then dropping about half. The older one exclaimed about this and asked. Why are you wasting those perfectly good nails? the second guy answered
They're facing the wrong direction!
You idiot! The older man exclaimed. They're for the other side of the house!
The Carpenter came around the other day...
He made an amazing entrance!
If you carpool with roommates...
they are vroommates
Why aren't carpenters superstitious?
Because they're always knocking on wood!
Why did the carpenter get fire from his job making round houses?
He was always cutting corners
A carpenter pulls up to his doctor with his truck
"Took me a while to source the right kind of spruce, but I have the stool samples you asked for"
Two carpenters sitting on the back of a Ute eating their lunch as storm clouds roll over
First Carpenter says 'those clouds are looking ominous'
The second Carpenter looks up from his sandwich shakes his head and says 'no mate their cumulus'
An old carpenter was carrying a coffin on his head
An old man was carrying a coffin on his head in his bicycle during midnight. He saw a cop standing near a check post who stopped him. The cop asked him why he was carrying coffin on his head. Fearing he might have to bribe the cop he said It was so hot wherever I was buried. I am trying to move to a new burial ground with my coffin . The cop fainted.
Who was the first carpenter mentioned in the bible?
Eve. She made Adam's hotdog stand.
My carpenter friend brought me a single plank of wood by 5 o'clock today. I was livid!
"Whats wrong?" he asked.
"You told me you'd bring me 2 by 4!"
The carpet
An attractive, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian carpets. She looks around, spots a beautiful carpet, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the carpet she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed. Standing behind her is a salesman.
"Good day, ma'am, how may I help you today?"
Flustered, she asks, "Yes, uh, how much does this carpet cost?"
"Madam," he answers, "If you f**... just touching it, you're gonna s**... when you hear the price."
I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork...
I think I nailed it but nobody saw it.
What is a carpenters favorite band?
Nine inch nails.
What did the carpenter say after he walked in on his boss with the secretary?
I saw too much!
My carpet is not smooth at all.
It's rather rugged.
How do carpenters get certified?
They take a board exam
God: Noah, it's time to build another boat.
Noah: Oh, so soon! But hey, you are the boss. So the same, animals, two by two?
God: Actually no. We forgot the fish last time so this time this will be just for the fish.
God (again): Also, build it with more than one deck.
Noah: Big boat, only fish and several levels. Got it boss!
God: And another thing. Not just any fish. I want only Carp on the new boat.
Noah: So, let me get this right God.
You want a "Multi Storey
Carp Ark!"....
Tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork…
Think I nailed it!
How does a carpenter order 5 beers?
With 2 hands.
(I hope this common Swiss Joke/Proverb didn't got posted a lot here)
A fisherman is looking for an extra set of hands on his boat ...
He goes into town to try and hire some help. He meets a man and asks him if he'd be interested in a job on his boat. The man replies "I'd definitely be interested, what does it pay?" The fisherman replies "I don't have a lot of cash, but I can pay you one fish per day." The man immediately responds "I'm in, let's get going right away." Stunned, the fisherman says "Wow, you sure are eager." The man replies, "well you know what they say, Carp per diem!"
What does a bad carpenter have in common with a bad symphony conductor?
That both want to know what's a tuba for.
