Carlin Jokes
13 carlin jokes and hilarious carlin puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about carlin that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Carlin Short Jokes
Short carlin jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The carlin humour may include short green jokes also.
- We could use some George Carlin right about now. But then he'd would be saying "I TOLD YOU SO!"
- Comedians like Chris Farley and George Carlin were so good, they're a national treasure Well, they used to be anyway
Now they're just buried treasure - "A team of medical scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy, however they claim that no one has shown the slightest but of interest" - George Carlin
- I just finished a straight 8.5 hour binge of Dan Carlin's Wrath of the Khans podcast. I know one thing for sure: You can't invade Russia in the winter. But Genghis certainly Khan.
- One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are okay, then it must be you. - the late George Carlin
- George Carlin came back to life and his new stand up routine is incredible. It's called The Seven Words the CDC Can't Say on TV.
- George Carlin:"Why do laxatives always say 'Works gently, overnight'?" "What if I want something that works violently right now?"
Share These Carlin Jokes With Friends
Carlin One Liners
Which carlin one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with carlin? I can suggest the ones about special and george carlin.
- In America, anyone can become President. That's the problem.
~ George Carlin - I knew a t**... guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Silly Carlin Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about carlin you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean write jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make carlin pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how s**... the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The good thing about necrophilia is you don't need to bring flowers.
Most of the time they're usually already there.
-Goerge Carlin
Guy runs a red light
A guy runs a red light. His passenger tells him not to do that, but the driver says "It's okay, my brother drives like this!" He runs another red light. His passenger tries to insist, the driver says again "I told ya, it's okay, my brother drives like this!" Then he comes up to a green light and stops. His passenger asks what he's doing now and the driver says "Well, my brother might be coming the other way!"
-George Carlin, I don't remember what standup special.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Men are four times more likely than women to commit s**..., even though women attempt it more.
So men are better at it!
\- George Carlin
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
George Carlin on s**...- Quote from life is worth losing
**George Carlin:** Do you realise, that right this second, right now somewhere around the world some guy is getting ready to kill himself. Isn't that great? Statistics show that every year a million people commit s**.... Thats 2800 a day. That's one every thirty seconds.
[Stares at watch]
**George Carlin:** There goes another guy! And I say guy because men are four times more likely than women to commit s**..., even though women attempt it more. So men are better at it. That's something else you gals oughta be working on. Well if you wanna be truly equal you're gonna have to start taking your lifes in greater numbers.
Baseball & Football -George Carlin
Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.
Also: in football,basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.
In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom.
Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.
I enjoy comparing baseball and football:
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.
Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?
In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.
In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.
Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.
Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.
Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.
Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.
In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.
And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:
In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!
