The Best 81 Carefully Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Carefully jokes. There are some carefully caring lawyer jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these carefully intently puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Carefully Jokes and Puns
Money was a little tight, so I entered a pun writing contest...
I read the rules carefully, and it turns out that there was no limit on the amount of times you could enter, so I submitted ten separate entries.
I thought my chances were good, but I just looked at the contest winners to see if any of my entries won, and unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"
...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."
From my handwriting identification skills.
I have carefully deduced that Santa is my secret Valentine every year.
The elementary class was learning about addition...
The teacher asks little Johnny, "If I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny thinks about it for a few seconds and says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "No, let's try again. Listen carefully. I give you two, Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more."
Johnny spends a few minutes thinking it out, and again says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "Let's try it another way. If I put two apples on your desk, then two more, and then two more, how many apples would you have?"
Johnny says, "Six."
The teacher says, "Good, now if I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny again says, "Seven."
The teacher, obviously frustrated, yells at Johnny, "Why do you keep saying seven?!"
Johnny says, "Because... I've already got a cat!"
Why do you make more money?
A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?"
The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."
You'd think the police would patrol this 'Knifepoint' place more carefully...
Especially with all the rape and robberies that are committed there.
Mad Cows
Their are two cows grazing in a meadow. One turns to the other and says "Aren't you worried about mad cow disease?". The other thinks very carefully for a few minutes and says "Of course not I'm a duck!"
A genie grants a man three wishes ... "Whatever you wish for your ex-wife gets double"
" What is your first wish?" Asked the genie.
"I wish for $10 million." Said the man.
" Okay, your ex-wife gets $20 million. Next?"
" Okay, I wish for a mansion."
"Done, your ex now has 2 mansions. What is your final wish?"
The man pauses to think carefully.
"I wish for you to beat me half to death."
Credit - Russell Peters
What did the suicide bomb instucter say to his students?
"Alright kids watch carefully, cause I'm only gonna show you this once"
The Engineer and the Red Rubber Ball
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.
A Jewish Atheist enrolls his son in Catholic school
A Jewish atheist hears that the best school in town happens to be Catholic, so he enrolls his son. Things are going well until one day the boy comes home and says, I just learned all about the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
The boy's father is barely able to control his rage. He grabs his son by the shoulders and says, Son, this is very important, so listen carefully. There is only ONE God — and we don't believe in Him!
You can explore carefully silently reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean carefully caring child dad jokes. There are also carefully puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Why are they rioting in Ferguson?
Because they carefully and objectively reviewed the evidence from the trial and thought a legitimate injustice had been done.
I will be watching Santa's journey on Norad's website very carefully this year.
If he goes to West Africa before coming to the UK, I'm bricking the chimney up.
Some young women are like bottles of wine
They need to be tended to carefully and given time to mature, which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
Russian proverb: the church is near, but the road is icy...
The pub is far away, but I'll walk carefully.
suicide bombing class...
Welcome to Suicide Bombing Class 101. Listen carefully because i'm only going to say this once.
One time I took a blonde girl to the movies...
We bought our tickets and waited in line for snacks. I got popcorn; she got M&M's. We got a drink to split.
We sat down during the previews. I started eating my popcorn and she opened her M&M's and dumped them all out in her lap. She carefully separated them all by color, took all the brown ones, and threw them in the trash.
"What was that about?" I asked as she returned to her seat.
She smiled and replied "Oh, I'm allergic to chocolate so I always throw the chocolate flavored ones away."
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
A suicide bomber is teaching some new recruits...
He said, "Watch this demonstration carefully. I'm only going to do this once."
Sugar
A blonde would wake up every morning, go into the kitchen, carefully open the lid of the sugar container, look into it and then close it.
This made her new boyfriend very curious. So one day he asked her why she did that. She replied, "My doctor asked me to check my sugar level every day."
When I was little I prayed to God for ridiculous amounts of money when I'm older
I think I should have chosen my words more carefully
Emergency flashers
Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my cardboard cutouts. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!
A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach...
...of an island and is surrounded by a group of warriors.
I'm done for, the man cries in despair.
No, you are not, comes a booming voice from the heavens. Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say. Grab a spear and push it through the heart of the warrior chief.
The man does what he is told, turns to the heavens, and asks, Now, what?
The booming voice replies, Now you are done for.
Restaurant owner warns his employee: "one must open oysters carefully"...
The employee answers: "no shucking fit!"
How do porcupines hug?
Carefully!
Mr. Larkin isn't satisfied with the performance of his class
So on day, he says with an odious smile:
'Please, whoever thinks they're an idiot: stand up!'
Big silence, everyone remains seated. Suddenly, a young man stands up carefully.
'So, you think the appellation of "idiot" applies to you, do you?' asks Mr. Larkin in a derisory tone.
'Honestly? Not really. I just couldn't bear to see you stand alone, sir.'
Two Polacks in a moving truck...
...come to an overpass with a sign on it that reads "CLEARANCE-10' 6." The truck is 11 feet high.
The Polack in the passenger's seat looks carefully right, then left, then right again.
"I say we go for it. There ain't no cops around."
Newton, Einstein and Pascal are playing hide and seek
While Einstein is counting down from 100, Pascal runs and hides. Newton stands in pain view, and carefully measures out a meter square, then stands in it.
When Einstein turns around, he exclaims "Newton you're supposed to hide so I can't find you" . Newton replies "you found a Newton over a square meter, you found a Pascal"
SCHOOL JOKES,Teacher and student
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Two lawyers are having lunch.
An attractive woman walks in, and one lawyer whispers to the other "See that hot babe over there? I screwed her!" The second lawyer looks her over very carefully, then turns back to the first lawyer and says "Out of what?"
I don't repeat gossip
So listen carefully the first time
I was carefully measuring out a dab of Cannabis extract for my roommate, when she said,
"Did you remember to-- Oh, nevermind; you're concentrating."
A Russian student goes to Ukraine to visit his girlfriend
and is stopped at the border and asked for identification. The guard looks carefully at his paperwork and asks tersely, 'Name?' 'Vlad', he replies. 'Occupation?', the officer inquires. 'Nyet, just here on vacation.'
Bill is sitting in the ladies beauty parlour waiting area....
A pretty woman came to him, pressed his shoulders gently & said: come let's go.
Bro Bill looked left & right, started sweating a bit & anticipating dire consequences said: I am married & waiting for my wife.
Lady: look carefully, it is me!
If I had a crystal ball...
I'd sit down *really* carefully...
Teacher: Now, Tommy, listen carefully. What goes around a tree?
Tommy: I don't know.
Teacher: Bark, Tommy!
Tommy: Woof, woof!
How many cats?
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
I just found out why they open medicine cabinets very carefully...
To not disturb and wake up the sleeping pills...
After carefully examining me for 10 minutes, the dentist said I need a crown...
I was like, "I know, right?"
Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
In USSR we had this joke
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"
Adam gets into a terrible car accident.
He wakes up in the hospital, and the doctor explains, "You went straight through the windshield, but you are going to make a full recovery. Part of your ribcage was broken and started putting pressure on your heart, so we carefully removed it while you were under." Adam thinks on this, then asks the Doctor, "So does this mean I get another wife?"
I have a crystal ball
Which mean i have to sit down carefully
A elderly retiree wobbled gingerly into an ice cream shoppe and carefully,
slowly climbed up onto a counter stool.
He wheezed for a minute, then ordered a chocolate sundae.
Crushed nuts? asked the server.
No, he answered.
Bad knees.
"Daddy, where did I come from?"
Seven-year-old Rachel asks. It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared. They take her into the living room, get out several other books, and explain all they think she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction.
Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" the mom asks.
"Not really," the little girl says. "Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
There was a family of balloons...
Daddy Balloon, Mummy Balloon, and Baby Balloon.
One night, Baby Balloon crept into his parents' bedroom. He carefully undid Daddy's knot and deflated him a little.
Then he did the same to Mummy. Then he undid his own knot and let some air out.
The next morning Daddy Balloon confronted him.
"Baby Balloon, we are very disappointed in you. You let me down. You let your mother down. But worst of all...
You let yourself down!"
A mathematician a physicist and an engineer...
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a cow and told to find the volume. The mathematician carefully measured the dimensions of the cow and evaluated a very complicated integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the cow inside and measured the total displacement. The engineer looked at the cow and said, let's suppose the cow is a sphere.
A man finds a genie
The genie says " I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you receive, your ex wife will get twice as much"
"That's alright" says the man. "I want 10 Million Dollars" the man says. "Ok, now your ex wife has 20 million". "I want a mansion." "Ok now your ex wife has two mansions."
"What will be your third wish? Think Carefully!" Says the genie.
The man ponders for a while and finally responds. "I want you to take this crowbar, and beat me half to death with it."
How do porcupines have sex?
Carefully.
Wife is calling her husband on the cell phone
W: Honey, please drive carefully. TV news just said some crazy manic is driving on the wrong side of the highway
H: ONE??!!! THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF THEM!!!!!
A man is walking through the forest when he discovers a gnome
If you step on a purple mushroom, you'll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world, warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn't step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: We have to get married.
Why? asked the man, smiling.
I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!
So my 10 year old daughter asked me, What's the difference between Confidence and Confidential?
Well I thought about it carefully and said as I am your Dad, you are my daughter, of that I am Confident. Your friend Sally down the street is also my daughter, that is Confidential!
When interacting with police follow their instructions carefully
Me: [hears knock on door] "Who is it?"
Trooper: "State Police identify yourself."
Me: "Police identify yourself"
Trooper: "State Police"
Me: "Police"
The police officer inspected my drivers license carefully.
"Driver, I see you have a class 3 license that requires you to wear glasses whilst driving. I can't help but notice you are not wearing glasses."
"I've got contacts," I explained.
"I don't care who you know, driver," declared the officer. "You're under arrest."
:-P
An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries. A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal.''It's all right,'' says the husband. ''We share everything.''
A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite. ''I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal,'' he insists.''She'll eat,'' the husband assures him. ''We share everything.''Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, ''Why aren't you eating?''The wife snaps, ''Because I'm waiting for the teeth!''
Bob's friend gets hit by a car...
Bob calls the hospital and says "My friend has been hit by a car and I think he's dead! What do I do?"
The nurse responds "Take a long breath, and follow my instructions carefully. First make sure if he is actually dead, then y-"
Gunshots
"What next?"
I asked my dad, "What's the best way to form a joke?"
He explained, "Well, first, I have to come up with the right combination of words".
"Got it, then what?" I asked
"If I carefully put them together in a particular order, your mum will have sex with me and nine months later a joke pops out!"
How are car parks like unplanned pregnancies
Accidents happen when people don't pull out carefully.
Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...
He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, carefully puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.
"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."
He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back.
"He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidetnally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander."
Once upon a time, there was a boxer who always wins every single match...
When fans asked him what's his secret, he would just say, "I imagine there's a line on my opponent's face and I hit that line,". On his 100th boxing match, the whole world was watching. He lost. It was his first loss ever in his career. Fans again wondered so he was interviewed. A reported asked how come he lost this game. "Well, I carefully looked at the opponents face," he said, "and there's no punch line".
A terrorist is teaching a class
He carefully puts on a jacket loaded with explosives and, turning to his pupils, says:
"Now watch carefully, because I'm only going to do this once!"
How does a hedgehog have sex?
Very carefully
Went shopping at Macy's the other day
Salesman was very helpful. He carefully measured my inseam several times
I told him it wasn't necessary but he insisted
I almost just left but bought the toaster anyway
BJ for Sore Throat
"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie.
"You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My throat really hurts."
Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great."
Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better.
"You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?"
Bambi replied, "I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn't believe that it was your idea!"
Marriage
if any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully
on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
>!on the other hand, you don't!<
A man goes to see a sex therapist
"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three"
"Please open your mouth," the therapist says.
The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully.
"I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie just like your neighbor."
If any of you are thinking of getting married, please consider this carefully
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don't.
A bee got in our house and I my wife freaked...
She yelled, "get it out but don't harm it". So I got a shot glass and a playing card and carefully trapped and released the little guy out back. When I returned my wife said, "well, what happened? And I replied...
Don't worry. Bee Happy.
How do you define political correctness?
Carefully.
Math Joke
Solve carefully:
230 - 220 × 0.5 =
You probably won't believe it, but the answer is 5!
There was a Russian man who was a collector of supernatural oddities.
An American man heard about him, and decided to try his luck at making a quick buck. He arranged a meeting, and presented a thin gauzy cloth to the man.
"This may look like cloth, but it is actually 100%, genuine ghost skin."
The Russian man leaned in, carefully examining the cloth, and running his finger lightly across it. He then turned and looked the American square in the eyes.
"I call boo sheet."
In order to get to the valves, a mechanic carefully removed the engine parts from a car while the car owner - a surgeon - looked on.
Afterwards the mechanic said to the surgeon:
'You know, I reckon my line of work is every bit as difficult and skilled as yours.'
'Perhaps,' said the surgeon, 'But I'd like to see you do it while the engine is running.'
What did the kamikaze instructor say to the student
Now watch carefully im only gonna show this once
You're in a car headed North.
You see a Red Fire Engine, to your right.
And a Fence to your left.
There's a Horse Infront of you
And a Helicopter behind you.
What do you do?
A) Put your drink down. And carefully get off the Merry-Go-Round...
Permission To Marry Your Daughter
Jimmy asks his girlfriend's father permission to propose.
The father says, "I need to ask you two questions. The first question is, do you love my daughter?"
Jimmy eagerly responds, "Sir, I love her with all my heart."
My second question is, "Do you think you earn enough money to support a family."
Jimmy immediately answers, "Yes sir, I certainly do."
The father says, "Slow down and think carefully Jimmy. There is six of us."
I always wondered where those little cans of soda came from until I carefully read the writing on one...
...it said, "Made in Halfcanistan"
Husband tired of His lazy wife sitting all day on the couch told Her: If You keep doing this you will lose your womb for being too lazy.
Next morning He found Her asleep on the same spot and quickly went to the meat shop and bought a whole cow liver, went back home and carefully placed it right by her crotch and left to work.
When He came back home found His wife crying and had a pale face. He said whats wrong?
Wife: I lost my womb like You said
Husband: did it hurt?
Wife: didn't feel anything but it hurt like hell when I put it back in.
Once there was a tribe ruled by an evil witch doctor.
Whenever someone spoke up against his reign, he used his magic to turn them into an apple. One day, a small group of tribesmen had enough and decided to steal the witch doctor's magic spell book and turn him into an apple. However, the book said that if the mass of the apple ever changed too much, the spell would be broken and the witch doctor would kill them all. So each morning, they carefully measured the apple to make sure it had not changed. Proving that...
a weigh a day keeps the doctor an apple.
First date
A girl was going on her first date, and before she went her mother said "Listen carefully: Boys are only after one thing, so whatever he asks you, always say NO!".
So they go to watch a movie, then off to a restaurant for a bite to eat. At the end of the meal, the boy says "Do you mind if we go back to my place and have sex?".
A man walks into an apiary and asks for a dozen bees.
The beekeeper nods and carefully counts out 13 bees. The man realizes this and points it out, "That's one too many.
*"No worries. It's a freebie."*
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the carefully delicately jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working carefully ledger piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.