careful Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious careful puns

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"

Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

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As she watches the news, an elderly woman calls her husband in concern.

She knows he is driving home, so she calls his cell phone.

"Dear, please be careful on the road today! I just heard on the radio that there is a driver going the wrong way down the highway."

Her husband replies, "Oh, it's not just one. There are hundreds of them!"

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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "My dear husband, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 10. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said the husband, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

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A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.

"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"

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8-year old Alex had a crush on his teacher, so he stayed behind in recess.

The teacher asked Alex if something was wrong, since he wasn't out with the others.

"It's because I'm in love with you, Alex told her.

"Well," the teacher replied - "What If I don't like small children?".

"Then...we'll just have to be careful, I guess".

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As an old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Fred, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 94. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Fred, "It's hundreds of them!!"

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Two women are discussing their love lives

Jo says: "I have to be careful not to get pregnant."

Jenny looks confused. "But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy."

"He did." says Jo. "That's why I need to be extra careful."

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Be careful of fat guys, ladies

They just want to get into your pantries.

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A senior citizen was driving down the freeway...

when his wife called his cell phone.

"Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said the man, "It's hundreds of them!"

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An old woman phones her husband..

An old woman called her husband during his drive home, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"

Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's bloody hundreds of them!"

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An elderly man was driving down the highway when his phone rang.

It was his wife urgently warning him: Honey, I just heard on the news that there's some lunatic in a car going the wrong way on the highway. Please be careful!

It's worse than that, said the man, It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!

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An old man is in his Volvo driving home from work...

... when his wife rings him on his cellphone.

"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now; some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".

"It's worse than that!", he replies, "There are hundreds of them!"

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A man is driving down the freeway

when his wife calls him. He picks up and asks what the matter is. She says, "I want you to be careful honey, I heard on the radio there's a lunatic barreling down the highway going the wrong way." He replies, "it's much worse than that, there's hundreds of them

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You can use a colander to look at the eclipse

But be careful you don't strain your eyes

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Did you know woman turn into good drivers.

So be careful while they turn, because they might hit you.

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What's the difference between a fruit and a vegetable?

One likes men and the other is disabled.

EDIT 2: I apologise if this offends some people. In 2017, you cannot be too careful.

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An elderly lady calls her husband during his drive home, "Stanley, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 5, Please be careful!"...

Stanley said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

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A politician was walking down the street when he encountered an armed robber...

Robber: (points gun) Gimme all your money!

Politician: You better be careful young fellow, I am one of the most powerful politicians in this goddamn country.

Robber: *thinks*

Robber: Then give back all my money!

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A worried elderly lady calls her husband on his cell phone...

"Please be careful," she tells him worriedly. "I heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way on the highway."

To which he replies, "It's not just one car, it's all of them!"

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You've got to be careful when getting your house exorcised

If you can't afford the payments the priest will repossess your house

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"I'm not a fool..."

An illiterate man loses his cheque book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.

Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your cheque book, because anyone can forge your signature.

Man: I am not a fool... I already signed all the cheques, so there is no space to forge my signature..

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Dad joke I came up with at work.

I work at a grocery store produce department. Today there was some misplaced cheese in a cooler. I saw it was sharp provolone. I took it to the deli lady and once she read it I said "be careful, it's sharp."

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NSFW Be careful not to buy Viagra from Russian sources

They are attempting to meddle in our erections.

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You have to be careful if you're going to have phone sex.

You might get hearing aids.

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A biker walks into a bar

and tells the bartender that he has a blonde joke. The bartender says, "I'd be careful saying a blonde joke here. On your left is a blonde lady that does mixed martial arts, and on your right is a blonde female cop. Not to mention, there are 3 blonde lady bartenders including myself. Are you sure you still want to tell it?" The biker then replies, "Well, not anymore if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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A warning to be careful about drunk driving..

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many pints before progressing on to Tequila. Not a good idea.

Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the car park and took a taxi home.

On the way home, I passed a police checkpoint on the freeway. The cops were pulling over cars and performing breath tests. Because I was in a taxi, they just waved it past.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as....

I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from..

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An elderly man was out on a drive...

An elderly man was out on a drive when he received a phone call from his wife.

"Honey, be careful. I just heard on the radio that one idiot out there is driving the wrong way on the highway."

To which he replied, "Are you kidding me? There are hundreds of them!"

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A Professional

A man takes a taxi home after a long night of work
The taxi runs a red light
The man says "Be careful, we could've gotten in an accident!"
The driver replies "Don't worry I'm a professional."
The taxi runs another red light
The man tells him to pay attention
The driver answers "Don't worry I'm a professional."
The taxi stops at a green light
"The man screams "WHY ARE YOU STOPPING?!"
"In case another professional drives by."

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Not a joke, just a story with a reminder to be careful when telling jokes...

I heard a joke a few weeks ago that went, "What do you do when an epileptic is having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing in."

I decided to repeat the joke in work today to a few of my customers (I work in a pub) and when I finished, one guy got really mad at me. He screamed that I shouldn't tell jokes like that because his brother died in the bath as a kid while having an epileptic fit.

I asked, "Did he drown?"

The guy was furious and said, "No, he choked on a sock!"

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A company hire an efficiency expert as a consultant.

To everyone's surprise, the presentation was very interesting. For once many felt like this was a valuable use of time! as the presenter finished up, he said, "I hope you have found use in my presentation today, but I would warn you, be careful about using these techniques at home. The other night I was watching as my wife did the dinner dishes, and noticed some inefficiency in her technique. Wanting to be helpful, I advised her of several small improvements that could add up to maximum efficiency."
One of the attendees raised their hand,"Did it work? Did the dishwashing become more efficient?"
"Oh yes," the consultant replied,"before my advice, my wife took 18 minutes to finish the dishes, now I do it in 12."

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Be careful of your aim

A woman was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, and that one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" So she goes, "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

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Two women are discussing their sex lives

Jo says: "I have to be careful not to get pregnant."

Jenny looks confused. "But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy."

"He did." says Jo. "That's why I need to be extra careful."

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Careful, this is an alphabet bomb!

If it goes off, it could spell disaster!

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!!BAD DRIVERS!!

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, "**David, be careful!** I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!"

David says, "I know, but there isn't just one, **there are hundreds!**"

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There was a farmer who grew watermelons...

He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his water melon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!!!"

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What are the best Careful jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Careful? Well, here are the best Careful dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Careful pick up lines to share with friends.

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