Career Jokes
158 career jokes and hilarious career puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about career that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
From an internship to a successful career, discover the lightheartedness of career-related humor with these amusing jokes. Explore professional puns and quips to help you make career day, counseling meetings, and even professional events more enjoyable. Enjoy the fun of sharing career jokes with others and lighten up the conversation.
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Funniest Career Short Jokes
Short career jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The career humour may include short occupation jokes also.
- What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital? I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.
- As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself... maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
- Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he began it Trying to get into smaller pants
- I'm thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events. I wonder how many people are in that field.
- A son says to his father: "Dad, I'm thinking about a career in organized crime." Father: "Government or private sector?"
- I wanted to build my career on making chemistry jokes to cure my depression. Then I realized alcohol is a solution.
- Me to HR: Your careers page says the company offers "competitive salary". What does that mean exactly? HR: That means your salary will be competing with your bills.
- If you're genuinely asking me to choose between my career as a reporter and our relationship Well then I've got some news for you
- The worst thing about being a profession skier... ...is that your career can only go downhill
- I used to pee my pants every time i had to talk in front of my 3rd grade class It really killed my teaching career.
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Career One Liners
Which career one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with career? I can suggest the ones about employment and skills.
- Why is the archaeologist sad? Because his career is in ruins.
- Ever since I became an archeologist My career has been in ruins
- What ruined tiger Woods' golf career? His driving game.
- My career as a street fighter didn't last very long... I broke my hand punching a curb.
- After a long and distinguished career, my French teacher finally retired. Adios, amigo.
- Drugs don't ruin your career Drug tests do
- Why did the cross dressing pilots career never take off? Too much drag
- Why was Lara Croft sad? Because her career was in ruins
- Why do archaeologist lead sad lives? Because their career lies in ruins.
- Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
- If at first you don't succeed... ... then bomb disposal probably isn't the career for you
- Why did the Chemist give up a singing career? He could not hit any of the ketones.
- Where will Miley Cyrus go when her showbiz career is over? twerk
- At work I put my desk in the elevator This should take my career to a whole new level
- The final death of 2016.... Mariah Carey's live performance career
Career Ending Jokes
Here is a list of funny career ending jokes and even better career ending puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do Logan Paul and the kid from The Sixth Sense have in common? Their careers ended after seeing dead people.
- Louis C.K. is the hardest working comedian in the business He literally built and ended his own career with his bare hands.
- When Kermit the Frogs entertainment career came to an end, he enrolled in seminary school where he was ordained Now he's a Pastor of Muppets
- I'll never forget the time I had to do PE in my underwear after forgetting my shorts. It ended my teaching career there and then.
- Nothing else signifies the end of a beyblade career like a gravestone. It's the last way to... Let it R.I.P.
- Rain drop, drop top.... Mariah Carey's career ended before the ball dropped.
- I realized today that I really only have two options when it comes to a career path. I'm going to end up in jail or working at Olive Garden. Either way endless salads are getting tossed.
- My skateboarding career and Jon Snow have a lot in common. They both ended with an Ollie.
- What are the two possible things that can happen when a ghost writer dies? He becomes a ghost-ghost writer
Or...
Drake's career ends either of the two. - What's the difference between Steve Irwin and Will Smith? A fish tail only ALMOST ended Will Smith's career.
Career Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny career day jokes and even better career day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How To Lose Your Career in Ten Days! Ask Kevin Spacey!
- Career day is coming up at my school and the president will attend Thankfully i'm not American
Music Career Jokes
Here is a list of funny music career jokes and even better music career puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why does Chris Brown still have a music career? Beats me.
- After his crop failed, why did Dwight Schrute (The Office) decide to try a career in hip-hop music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.
- Lamar Odom, after his recent troubles, decided to change careers and go into music..guess which band he joined? The Strokes
- I got my music career started with a Christmas album Now I only write jingles
- So apparently after Peter Gabriel's music career, he went on to do a stint in construction. Turns out he became a sledgehammer.
- How is standing on a railway track like playing music? Most likely neither will get you a successful career.
- Did you hear about the movie where Peter Dinklage quits his electrician job to pursue a career in music? It's called "Semi-Conductor".
- So, Midas actually had a pretty good musical career. He always knew how to bring in an [Au]dience.
- AMA request: Paul McCartney How big of an impact has Kanye been to your music career blowing up?
New Career Jokes
Here is a list of funny new career jokes and even better new career puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My cousin just started a new career as a bounty hunter… …Apparently, she makes a killing.
- The New York Mets Specifically, Jose Reyes' career ERA of 54.00
- I just got out of the army, where I was an M1A1 Abrams driver. My new career is completely unrelated. It's a tankless job.
- Have you heard about Bill O'Reilly's new book? It's called "Killing a Career."
- Working for a dragon can take your career to new heights, Just don't get fired
- An upcoming Racer is hesitating on his new career... so he yanked out his side mirrors because he didn't want to look back.
- My new career as a typographer is paying me really well. I made a G today.
- Did you hear about the new Muslim comic? his career is blowing up!
- Don Rickles... His new material just might be the best of his career.
- My new job! I will start my career as vacuum cleaner salesman, and my name will be "Mike Dyson"!
Career Development Jokes
Here is a list of funny career development jokes and even better career development puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How did the geologist develop a career as a sink-hole expert? She just fell into it.
- You know, Spiderman really did choose the wrong career path. He should've been a web developer.
Laughter Career Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about career you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean courses jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make career pranks.
My friend is an unemployed circus clown. We nicknamed him Pennywise.
His career is in the gutter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was this girl I liked in kindergarten..
One day it was nap time and I gained enough nerve to sleep next to her. She didn't do anything. The next day at nap time I decided to kiss her on the forehead and sleep under her blanket. Again, she didn't do anything The next day at nap time I put my b**... on her face. Let's just say that's the end of my teaching career.
Philosophy Major: True story
With five minutes left in his class, a philosophy professor decides to talk about his own college experience.
Philosophy is basically a dead-end major. You know where your career is going when you sign up for it. He looks at one student and asks, What would your parents say if you told them you were changing your major to Philosophy.
The student says, They'd be thrilled. See, I am a theater major.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up s**....
Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.
neil diamond........
Singer Neil Diamond started his career as Neil Coal, he changed his name when the pressure got to him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It was career day in Elm Park Elementary School...
and each student had to write about their dad's profession. Ruby wrote about her dad being a doctor and David wrote about his dad being a construction work.
When the teacher asked Johnny he said, "My dad is a p**... and a drug fiend."
"What?!?! Johnny, be honest. I know that's not what your dad does!"
"You're really gonna make me to tell the entire class that my dad is a banker?!"
Friend 1: Did you know that I had taken up story-writing as a career?
Friend 2: No, sold anything yet?
Friend 1: Yes, my watch, my saxophone, and my overcoat.
List of the shortest books
1. The Australian Book of Foreplay.
2. Contraception by the Pope.
3. The American Guide to Etiquette.
4. Healthy Marriages by the British Royal Family.
5. Consumer Marketing Ethics.
6. Career Opportunities for History Majors.
7. My Life's Memories by Ronald Reagan.
8. Integrity by Bill Clinton.
9. The Wit and Wisdom of George W. Bush.
10. What I've Accomplished by Barack Obama.
A gynecologist decides to make a career change...
He always loved cars, and because he made so much money, salary really didnt matter to him. He decides to become a mechanic. He approaches his local shop and inquires about a job. "You need to get certified first" says the head mechanic, "ill give you the test myself, in the shop."
The doctor studies day and night and finally feels ready for his practical exam.
He comes in and is asked to fix the transmission and engine of a beaten down, old car.
After the test, he is seated in the office and the head mechanic comes in.
"Congratulations doctor, you scored 150 out of 100 points"
"im confused" the doctor says, "how did i get 150 out of 100"
"well..." the mechanic says "you fixed the engine perfectly, so thats 50. You also fixed the transmission perfectly, for another 50"
"Great! But where did the last 50 come from?"
"I gave you a bonus. You did it all through the exhaust pipe"
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
In a mirror!
Reply from my 9 year old brother, after my mom asked me this while talking about future career prospects.
Having only ever competed in the 100m dash, what did the professional sprinter say after his first 200m race?
I've finally turned a corner in my career.
Careers Advisor to American student: "What do you want to be when you leave college?"
Student: "Alive".
Hillary was shown a video of her flip-flopping on issues all over her career.
At first, she was upset. Now she says she's ok with it.
"Officer, what can you tell us about the break in at the bakery today?"
"Man I've seen all kinds of thieves in my career, but this one takes the cake"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did h**... turn to genocide after a failed career as an artist?
He never learned to mix the colors
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does every woman have in her p**...?
A career.
Valeria Messalina was a powerful Roman empress, best known for her long and influential political career, and for her hobby of hanging out in brothels and prostituting herself.
Makes sense to me. If I had to spend my days with senators and rulers, I'd want to spend my nights with a better class of people, too.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." --career advancement program at my job
Then they fired me for violating the dress code at the bank. Hypocrites. How am I ever going to become a sumo wrestler now?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My career as a karate instructor finally came to an end.
The parents found out I wasn't qualified and just enjoyed k**... children.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm s**... attracted to one of my students
I knew that becoming a primary school teacher was a bad career choice
When I was 6 years old my priest took me aside and gave me a lesson about the birds and the bees.
He did this to many other kids. It went on for about 2 years. Until he left the church to pursue his career in zoology. He just loved teaching kids about animals. What a great man.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
if a plumber's career can go down the drain...
And a fireman's job can go up in smoke, can a h**... get laid off?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This really crashes my belief system.
Hilary Clinton spent 40 years building up her career to lose presidency to a man who picked up politics as a hobby last year.
Why did the tree leave his career of 15 years to start his own business?
...he wanted to branch out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm thinking of changing career and becoming a professional circumciser. . .
The pay is lousy, but I hear you get plenty of tips.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... with me Is like the Challenger Mission
It Killed a teachers career
I had to give up my career in tarot cards reading..
There was no future in it
Why didn't Aaron Hernandez ever tell us why he threw away his career for a life of crime?
He wanted to leave us hanging.
Who decided to call it "Dwayne Johnson's Wrestling Career" instead of...
Classic Rock?
A patient says to a dentist : " you pulled out a tooth in like 3 seconds and you get the money, not fair! What an easy career"
The dentist replies: " sounds right. Let's make it 3 hours long."
Why was Dre's grandma so happy when she found out his career choice?
Because there was finally a Doctor in the family who could perform her hip op.
What is the one thing that Azhikelyamov Rozhdestvenskij learned in his career?
That nobody reads long Russian names.
Why was the archaeologist sad?
Because his career was in ruins!!
Give me your downvotes; I AM FUELED BY YOUR DOWNVOTES!!!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Finding a career after college and being a v**... is tough...
There's all kinds of jobs out there: hand jobs, blow jobs, rim jobs...but I can't get any of them
Now that Harvey Weinstein's Hollywood career is over, he's decided to open a bank.
Word is that he's been giving out plenty of unwanted advances.
How do you know your Uber driver has another career?
Oh don't worry they'll tell you.
Had my medical license revoked today.
Being a medical professional is like being in a minefield. All it takes is one mistep and you can lose it all. I made a one-time mistake and slept with a patient. A co-worker heard her passionate crys and came to find us in the act. Embarrassing be as it was, I never expected to be the end of my career.
12 years wasted as a veterinarian.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got transferred from work three times this year for letting my clients give me o**... during checkups.
I'm starting to think that maybe a veterinarian career isn't for me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did Logan Paul go to the s**... forest?
To kill his career.
I wet my pants in the third grade once...
And it cost me my teaching career.
What are your career goals?
Me: I'd like a job in agriculture.
Why?
Me: It's a growing field.
A cop, a firefighter, and a bureaucrat are at a elementary school career day...
The cop brags, I'm the fastest one out of the three. I can respond to a threat in one minute
The firefighter says, That's nothing, I can run into a burning building and rescue someone in 30 seconds
The bureaucrat responds, pfff, I can work 9-5 and be home by 2
There was a one eyed teacher at my school
He was fired for only having one good pupil throughout his 6 year career
I told my missus that I was thinking about a career in comedy.
She laughed.
I am extremely proud of my son who chose a career in organised crime
He became the prime minister of the country
If my current career doesn't work out I'm going try my hand as a honey farmer.
It's my plan bee.
The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town
I guess she was having a midwife crisis
The lady who birthed babies started questioning her career choice.
I think she was going through a midwife crisis.
...
A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"
The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children,
it's their responsibility to choose whatever medical school they'll graduate from.
I quit my career as a professional poker player, and I decided to open a grocery store.
For the first couple weeks, I didn't earn much money. Then, I decided to rearrange the meat and the snacks in my store. I started earning lots of money. I knew that I would succeed when the chips were down and the steaks were high.
My teaching career.
I used to teach history, but thats all in the past.
I started teaching biology but my heart wasn't in it.
I tried teaching chemistry, but there were elements i didnt understand.
I was offered a job teaching maths, but something didn't add up.
I was sent to Germany to do food science, that was the wurst.
I've started teaching physics, its got potential.
My tennis career has taught me that I can be the best basketball player ever
Nothing but net
Throughout my career, I have delivered many babies.
I have always enjoyed parents's look when they see their kids returned to them safely and unharmed after they pay me the ransom I asked.
My dad gave up his job of being a late night radio DJ.
He took up a new job as a railway construction worker. Talk about a career change, but I guess he just couldn't give up his love for laying tracks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I recently took up a career installing worktops in kitchen, little did I know I would be arrested.
Turns out counter fitting is i**...!
Mid life career change
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "So what do you do?" the bartender chats him up. "Well I used to work in food service, but I just got a new job in IT," the guy says. "How was it changing careers?" the bartender asks. "Well, you know, a job is a job. I guess the biggest difference is that the phase 'My server went down on me,' is no longer a good thing," the guy replies.
David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.
After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"
Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".
Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"
