Care Jokes
133 care jokes and hilarious care puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about care that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Get ready to be taken care of in more ways than one with this hilarious collection of care jokes! Perfect for a lighthearted break from the daily grind, these funny jokes and puns about health care, lawn care, skin care, self care, foster care, wound care, long term care, and child care will help you take care of your matter with a little bit of apathy and a lot of laughter!
Quick Jump To
- Short Care Jokes
- Care One Liners
- Care Call Jokes
- Health Care Jokes
- Child Care Jokes
- Managed Care Jokes
- Lawn Care Jokes
- More Care Jokes
Funniest Care Short Jokes
Short care jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The care humour may include short caring jokes also.
- I used to be Christian.... Her: I used to be Christian.
Him: It's all right, I don't really care for those sorts of things.
Her; Thank god! It's so much better now that I'm Christine! - I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas... FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.
- What do fetuses, servicemen and gay people have in common in the US? The government stops caring about them once they're out.
- Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga … And 100% of men don't care.
- There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age. Small children and 39 year old's.
- Why is Bernie Sanders challenging his 49 vs 50% loss in Iowa? I thought he didn't care about the 1%
- I don't care if Caitlin Jenner identifies as a woman, but April identifying as January is crossing the line.
- 2 monkeys sat on a branch, one says "ooh ooohh aha ha aha!" The other says "careful, that's hot."
- After 37 years I'm finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I've accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means... ...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50
- A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest The man enters the bank.
Man: I'm here to find out about the mortgage
Employee: I don't really care.
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Care One Liners
Which care one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with care? I can suggest the ones about attention and health.
- What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth? A Flossiraptor
- My grief counselor suddenly died. Fortunately he was excellent so I don't care.
- I used to do drugs in the 90s. Now I don't care what the temperature is.
- If I had a crystal ball... I'd sit down *really* carefully...
- Today I ended a long term relationship. I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.
- Be careful of fat guys, ladies They just want to get into your pantries.
- Police were called to a day care Toddler was resisting a rest.
- My grief counselor died recently Clearly did a good job, because I didn't care
- What do you get when you mix a rat and an elephant? Who cares? It's a relephant.
- A crazy ex is like a box of chocolates If you're not careful, they'll kill your dog.
- It's my cake day and no one cares I feel caked…pied….I mean desserted
- If you think nobody cares if you're alive.. Try missing a couple of payments.
- Who cares if you pee in the shower? The bride and all her guests, apparently.
- What does dark humor and health care have in common? Not everyone gets it...
- You can use a colander to look at the eclipse But be careful you don't strain your eyes
Care Call Jokes
Here is a list of funny care call jokes and even better care call puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I bought a racehorse today, I called it My Face I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want a bunch of people shouting Come on my face
- What do you call a person that takes care of chickens? A Chicken Tender.
- What do you call someone who doesn't care about printers? No fax given.
- A wife calls her husband driving to work and says, "Honey be careful. There's a maniac driving on the wrong side of the road on the highway."
He responds, "One maniac? There are hundreds of them." - What do you call a dinosaur that takes excellent care of its teeth? A Flossiraptor
- Me: I'll call you when I get home so you know I'm safe Bus driver: I really don't care
- Dad Joke Don't care what my 10yo daughter does or says from this forward, I'll always be a proud Father…
She asked me what do you call a Elf that just won the lottery… Welfy - A police officer was called to a child care center. It seems that a three year old child was resisting a rest.
- A friend tried to trip me up in an Indian restaurant, failed, and fell face first in to someone's mild chicken dish. I call it instant korma.
I don't care if you like it, I can tikka or leave it. - My car got stolen yesterday !! I thought of calling the cops but then realized it was better not to call them and let the car thief take care of the dead bodies in my trunk.
Health Care Jokes
Here is a list of funny health care jokes and even better health care puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight... to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care
- Dark humour is like Free health care Not everyone gets it.
- The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town I guess she was having a midwife crisis
- This is 40 Questioning her career choices, a 40-year old health care worker who treated pregnant women bough a bright red convertible and skipped town. She was having a midwife crisis.
- You should not vaccinate your children. Get a health care professional to do it.
- A microbiologist quit caring about his own health. He started gaining a lot of weight. He's a biologist now.
- Donald trump said he cares more about the health and safety of the American public than he does about money. Well *I* laughed when he said it.
- Don't worry about losing health care under the Trump administration We won't need it after the EPA starts restricting oxygen
- The World Health Organization has your best interests in mind.... WHO cares
- Today our leaders closed of the southern border preventing people from coming to our country for a better life a better education and much needed health care! As a Canadian I am outraged!
Child Care Jokes
Here is a list of funny child care jokes and even better child care puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between a small child and a gorilla? People actually care if a gorilla dies.
- Why don't Chinese people care about mass surveillance? Because after the 1 child policy, nobody remembers what a big brother is, anyway.
- "Do you have any experience with child care?" "Yes - I just quit my job at the White House."
- I don't care if my child is a boy or a girl.. As long as it's a boy.
- Whats The Diffrence Between A Fridge And A Child The fridge Doesnt Care If You Stick You're Meat In It
- What do you call a child care professional who works for the president of Russia? Putinani
- Chivalry I want to name my child Chivalry. Because I am not good and taking care of children. So no one will be suprised when I say Chivalry is dead.
- When you were a child, your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.
- Two women were caught running a child care center fight club. This is not a laughing matter. Because they forgot the one rule. You don't talk about fight club
Managed Care Jokes
Here is a list of funny managed care jokes and even better managed care puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call it when a hedge fund manager loses his job to a Watson inspired AI built by IBM? It doesn't matter. We'll all be laughing too hard to care.
Lawn Care Jokes
Here is a list of funny lawn care jokes and even better lawn care puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did Phil Collins say when his gardener asked how he'd like the lawn cut? "I don't care; any mow."
- Fred Durst is starting a lawn care company. It's called Rake Stuff.
Uplifting Care Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about care you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean guard jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make care pranks.
A man comes home from work
and tells his wife "Pack your bags, I just hit the lottery." His wife says "Oh that's wonderful. Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says "I don't care. Just get out."
Someone just told me ignorance and apathy are the world's two biggest problems
I didn't know that, but I don't really care.
A computer programmer was sitting at home with his wife.
He takes a cigarette out of his pocket, lights it, and takes a puff.
His wife looks at him angrily and says,
"You really need to stop doing that. Can't you see the warning on the box? It says 'hazardous to health!'"
The programmer takes another puff of his cigarette and says,
"I'm a computer programmer. I don't care about warnings. I only care about errors."
Went on a date with a single mom...
It was going well until I told her I didn't care about her kid; I just wanted to play with the box it came in.
A man walks into a bar and sees h**... and Stalin...
A man walks into a bar and sees h**... and Stalin sitting at a table. He walks up to them and asks what they are doing. h**... says were planning WW3. The man asks what's going to happen this time. h**... says this time were going to kill 15 million Jews and a bicycle repair man. The man asks why a bicycle repair man. h**... turns to Stalin and says see I told you know one would care about the 15 million Jews.
h**... dies and God calls him
After h**... dies, God calls him in His office. When he gets there, God asks "if I gave you the possibility to live another life, what would you do?"
h**... answers "I'd kill all the Jews and twelve Eskimos".
God promptly asks "Why the Eskimos?".
"See, not even you care about Jews!"
Who took care of Mr. Miyagi's s**... needs after his wife died?
No one. Now he just wax off.
How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?
You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ableist s**.... Anyone who disagrees with this is a burnt-out-bulbophobe and a darknessphobe. Thanks for being so understanding.
How do you get Americans to care about the Sudanese genocide?
Dress them up as dead lions
A police officer stops a driver...
A police officer stops a driver to give him a ticket. He looks at the guy's driver license and says, "This says here that you need to wear corrective lenses when you drive."
The guy replies, "I have contacts".
The cops says, "I dont care who you know you still need corrective lenses"
Two cows are grazing in a field...
One turns to the other and asks "Have you heard all this talk of mad cow disease?"
The other replies "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter"
In honor of the Powerball
A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"
A man runs home after winning the lottery
"Honey honey! We won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
"Oh my god that's amazing! Where are we going?!"
"I don't care, just get out!"
A man wins the lottery...
A man wins the lottery, jumps in to his car and goes home in a hurry, screeching in to his driveway. He leaps out and runs in to his house and yells to his wife upstairs "I've won the lottery! I've won the lottery! Quick, pack up your suitcase, I've won the lottery!" His wife is yells down "Woohoo! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?" The husband replies "I don't care, just get out!"
o**... Bin Laden's son comes home from school crying...
He asks him: "What's wrong son, what happened?"
"The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong."
"Why, what did you answer?"
"The Empire State Building."
"Don't worry son, daddy will take care of it."
A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library...
A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library. The librarian who has taken good care of them for years and years is retiring. Understandably, the Dictionary and Thesaurus are both sad.
The Thesaurus says to the Dictionary "I can see how distraught you are."
The Dictionary responds "You don't even know the meaning of the word."
The Thesaurus then says "But I know what it's like."
A guy wakes up to a woman next to him in bed
and she was already awake. She says to him "I have a confession to make, I was once a Christian"
The guy, still half-asleep says, "oh that's okay babe, I've never really been one to care."
"Oh good" she replies, "I much prefer being a Christine anyways."
I think my optometrist is in love with me.
Every time I leave his office he hands me a bottle of contact solution and says "Eye care for you"
Loyalty is very important for my wife...
My girlfriend doesn't care.
Funny how different sisters can be.
There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God
and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."
God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"
The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human, when God promptly stops him and says, "Whoa not so fast, use your own dirt."
An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.
She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.
A hot girl asked me if i wanted to watch a movie
Yesterday, a hot girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie
She asked, "What would you like to see?"
I said, "You pick".
She said, "You pick".
I said, "I don't care, you pick".
She said, "Sir, there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets."
My career is in ruins.
It's great being an archaeologist.
I'm surprised there are so many anti-vax politicians in America
Because most American politicians don't seem to care if kids get shot.
A hot girl asked me whether I wanted to see a movie.
She said, "Which movie would you like to see?".
I said, "You pick".
She said, "No you pick".
I said, "I don't care, you pick".
She said, "Please decide fast sir, there are other people waiting to buy tickets".
[A forward that I received from my SO today]
My girlfriend told me I care more about my programming job than about her.
I told her she is the #1 thing I care about.
To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads.
We don't care how many heart attack victims you have to take to the hospital.
A man walks into a bar and sees h**... and Stalin.
A man walks into a bar and sees h**... and Stalin at a table. He asks them what they were doing and was told that they were planning WW3.
h**... says, "We are going to kill 15 million jews, and a bicycle repairman."
The man, confused asks, "Why the bicycle repairman?"
h**... turns to Stalin and tells him, "See? I told you no one would care about the 15 million Jews!"
They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise
I wanted to test this out and Googled "h**... President"
Few days later I received a care package containing ammo
What do a farm and hospital have in common?
Too many vegetables for one person to take care of.
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, What do you want to see?
Me: You pick.
Her: You pick.
Me: I don't care which movie. You pick.
Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather
One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."
The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and then calls in the clean up crew.
But a short while later, he receives another message. "s**... autocorrect. I meant wifi."
My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.
I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"
"Sir?" I asked.
"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."
"Yes, sir"
"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!"
"Yes, sir"
"And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!"
"Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one."
My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.
She's obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter's college tuition money back?
I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"
I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."
After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I'm alone. Can you create me one also?
God replied, Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg.
Adam thought for a second and said, What do you got for a rib?
We were at a family dinner last night, and at one point my Uncle Bob stood up and declared, I'm gay and I don't care who knows it!
He must have been really drunk, because he's been married to my Uncle Tony for six years now.
•••
Happy National Coming Out Day!
How are republicans and democrats like divorced parents?
They care more about you hating the other person than they do about your well-being.
Wife: Would you care to explain why the bottle of whisky you bought yesterday is half empty?
Me : It's because you're a pessimist.
A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...
…that means no s**... before marriage. But he does not care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.
‟Hello, sir, I am here to ask for your daughter's hand
A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks ‟And why is that?
The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh… ‟Well, its just that mine have gotten tired.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe
I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe
My career as a street fighter didn't last very long...
I broke my hand punching a curb.
A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.
In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German Shepherd said, I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.
Good! said God. Sit at my right side. Then God asked, Doberman, what do you believe in?
The Doberman answered, I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.
Aha, said God, you may sit on my left.
Then God looked at the cat and asked, And what do you believe in?
I believe, replied the cat, that you are sitting in my seat.
Be careful what you wish for
One for cake day:
Tom finds an old, tarnished lamp. He gets excited, and polishes it vigorously.
A genie appears and say "Congratulations, you get three wishes! What is your first wish?"
Tom says, "I want to be Rich!".
The genie says, "No problem, done. What is your next wish, Rich?"
I just killed a massive spider crawling across the floor with my shoe.
I don't really care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
A German Shepherd, Doberman And Cat Have Died And Gone To Heaven
A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat have died.
All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.
The German shepherd says: "I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master."
Good," says God. "Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you believe in?
The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master."
Ah," said God. "You may sit to my left."
Then he looks at the cat and asks, "And what do you believe in?"
The cat answers: "I believe you're sitting on my seat."
My wife thinks that I don't care for her relatives.
I told her that's not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Me to HR: Your careers page says the company offers "competitive salary". What does that mean exactly?
HR: That means your salary will be competing with your bills.
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their a**..., the results were pretty interesting...
30% of women think their a**... is too fat,
10% of women think their a**... is too skinny,
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn't trade him for the world.
a joke we tell in Ukraine
A russian, a Ukrainian and an African American guys are sitting in the waiting room while their wives give birth.
The nurse comes out with 3 babies and says "sorry guys, they've got mixed up..let's see whose is whose".
The Ukrainian takes a black kid and runs.
They yell "hold on dude!!! That kid is obviously not yours!"
the Ukrainian replied "I don't care I dont want a russian!!!"
Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin agreed to take care of each other's gardens.
This means Roger Waters Robert's Plants.
A cop looked at my driver's license and said I should be wearing glasses, so I told him I had contacts.
But he didn't care who I knew and he gave me a ticket anyway.
Mummy, how was I born?
A 10-year-old girl asks her mum, Mummy, how was I born**?**
The mother smiled and replied:
Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth & I took care of it every single day.
After a while, the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.
So we took the plant, dried it, rolled it up, smoked it, and got so high that we forgot to wear a c**....
During an interview the potential employer asked the young man What you consider to be your greatest weakness"?
The job applicant replied Honesty.
The interviewer commented "Honesty? I don't think honesty is a weakness.
The young man replied I don't care what you think!
I will pay a person $5 000 a month to take care of my worries.
- How are you going to get the $5 000 a month to pay them?
- That is for them to worry about.
If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for tea you are a terrible parent.
I don't care how busy you are, find the time to microwave them first at least.
My wife left me because I am "ignorant" and "apathetic".
I don't know what that means, but I don't care.
I wish that there was a restaurant named I don't care,
so I'd finally know where my girlfriend was talking about.
Two cows on a hill. One cow ask the other, have you herd of the mad cow disease?
The other cow says, yeah, but why do I care? I'm a helicopter!
A daughter and mother are talking.
"You're dating John, the neighbor?!", asks the mother. "He is 30 years older than you, it's-"
"But I love him!", she interrupts.
"What do you mean you love him, he could be your father!"
"I don't care about his age, he loves me too!"
"I think you misunderstood me."
I Was in Russia a few weeks ago
And I was watching a stand up comedian making jokes about Putin. To be honest I didnt really care for the jokes, but I liked the execution.
"Suzy, I won the lottery! 4 million dollars! Pack your suitcase!"
\-"Do I need to pack winter or summer clothes?"
"I don't care. Just leave."
Be careful about emails from weird addresses with long links or strange files attached
They could be from your parents
