The Best 76 Care Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Care jokes. There are some care healthcare jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these care prenup puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Care Jokes and Puns
What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?
A Flossiraptor
Mad cow disease
Two cows were talking over the fence bordering their farms.
The first cow said "Have you heard about this mad cow disease, it's spreading really fast."
The second cow responded "What do I care? I'm a helicopter."
A man comes home from work
and tells his wife "Pack your bags, I just hit the lottery." His wife says "Oh that's wonderful. Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says "I don't care. Just get out."
Someone just told me ignorance and apathy are the world's two biggest problems
I didn't know that, but I don't really care.
A computer programmer was sitting at home with his wife.
He takes a cigarette out of his pocket, lights it, and takes a puff.
His wife looks at him angrily and says,
"You really need to stop doing that. Can't you see the warning on the box? It says 'hazardous to health!'"
The programmer takes another puff of his cigarette and says,
"I'm a computer programmer. I don't care about warnings. I only care about errors."
Went on a date with a single mom...
It was going well until I told her I didn't care about her kid; I just wanted to play with the box it came in.
A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin...
A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin sitting at a table. He walks up to them and asks what they are doing. Hitler says were planning WW3. The man asks what's going to happen this time. Hitler says this time were going to kill 15 million Jews and a bicycle repair man. The man asks why a bicycle repair man. Hitler turns to Stalin and says see I told you know one would care about the 15 million Jews.
If life was like middle school
Judge: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say before I sentence you?
Criminal: Nope
Judge: I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum security prison. I also sentence the victim to forty years in prison.
Victim: Wait- what? That doesn't make any sense! *He* attacked *me*!
Judge: I don't care who started it.
Hitler dies and God calls him
After Hitler dies, God calls him in His office. When he gets there, God asks "if I gave you the possibility to live another life, what would you do?"
Hitler answers "I'd kill all the Jews and twelve Eskimos".
God promptly asks "Why the Eskimos?".
"See, not even you care about Jews!"
Who took care of Mr. Miyagi's sexual needs after his wife died?
No one. Now he just wax off.
How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?
You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ableist scum. Anyone who disagrees with this is a burnt-out-bulbophobe and a darknessphobe. Thanks for being so understanding.
You can explore care provide reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean care worry dad jokes. There are also care puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
How do you get Americans to care about the Sudanese genocide?
Dress them up as dead lions
A police officer stops a driver...
A police officer stops a driver to give him a ticket. He looks at the guy's driver license and says, "This says here that you need to wear corrective lenses when you drive."
The guy replies, "I have contacts".
The cops says, "I dont care who you know you still need corrective lenses"
A man gets pulled over by a cop...
And he takes the man's driver's license. He reads it and looks back at the driver.
"It says here that you need corrective lenses", the cop said. "Where are your glasses?"
The man replies, "But officer, I have contacts."
The cop glares at him. "I don't care who you know."
Two cows are grazing in a field...
One turns to the other and asks "Have you heard all this talk of mad cow disease?"
The other replies "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter"
Today I ended a long term relationship.
I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.
In honor of the Powerball
A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"
Why is Bernie Sanders challenging his 49 vs 50% loss in Iowa?
I thought he didn't care about the 1%
A man runs home after winning the lottery
"Honey honey! We won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
"Oh my god that's amazing! Where are we going?!"
"I don't care, just get out!"
A man wins the lottery...
A man wins the lottery, jumps in to his car and goes home in a hurry, screeching in to his driveway. He leaps out and runs in to his house and yells to his wife upstairs "I've won the lottery! I've won the lottery! Quick, pack up your suitcase, I've won the lottery!" His wife is yells down "Woohoo! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?" The husband replies "I don't care, just get out!"
A Professor Calls "Pencils Down"
A professor calls pencils down and one students keeps writing.
When the student goes to turn in his exam, the professor tells him "l'm not going to accept this, you didn't put your pencil down when I said to."
"Do you have any idea who I am?" The student says, snobbily.
"I don't have the slightest idea who you are and I don't care," the professor retorted.
"Good." The student replied as he slipped his exam into the middle of the stack and walked away.
Osama Bin Laden's son comes home from school crying...
He asks him: "What's wrong son, what happened?"
"The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong."
"Why, what did you answer?"
"The Empire State Building."
"Don't worry son, daddy will take care of it."
A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library...
A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library. The librarian who has taken good care of them for years and years is retiring. Understandably, the Dictionary and Thesaurus are both sad.
The Thesaurus says to the Dictionary "I can see how distraught you are."
The Dictionary responds "You don't even know the meaning of the word."
The Thesaurus then says "But I know what it's like."
Police were called to a day care
Toddler was resisting a rest.
I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...
FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.
A guy wakes up to a woman next to him in bed
and she was already awake. She says to him "I have a confession to make, I was once a Christian"
The guy, still half-asleep says, "oh that's okay babe, I've never really been one to care."
"Oh good" she replies, "I much prefer being a Christine anyways."
Who cares if you pee in the shower?
The bride and all her guests, apparently.
I think my optometrist is in love with me.
Every time I leave his office he hands me a bottle of contact solution and says "Eye care for you"
Loyalty is very important for my wife...
My girlfriend doesn't care.
Funny how different sisters can be.
There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God
and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."
God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"
The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human, when God promptly stops him and says, "Whoa not so fast, use your own dirt."
You've got to be careful when getting your house exorcised
If you can't afford the payments the priest will repossess your house
An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.
She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.
A hot girl asked me if i wanted to watch a movie
Yesterday, a hot girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie
She asked, "What would you like to see?"
I said, "You pick".
She said, "You pick".
I said, "I don't care, you pick".
She said, "Sir, there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets."
My career is in ruins.
It's great being an archaeologist.
I'm surprised there are so many anti-vax politicians in America
Because most American politicians don't seem to care if kids get shot.
A hot girl asked me whether I wanted to see a movie.
She said, "Which movie would you like to see?".
I said, "You pick".
She said, "No you pick".
I said, "I don't care, you pick".
She said, "Please decide fast sir, there are other people waiting to buy tickets".
[A forward that I received from my SO today]
My girlfriend told me I care more about my programming job than about her.
I told her she is the #1 thing I care about.
To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads.
We don't care how many heart attack victims you have to take to the hospital.
Be careful of fat guys, ladies
They just want to get into your pantries.
A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin.
A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin at a table. He asks them what they were doing and was told that they were planning WW3.
Hitler says, "We are going to kill 15 million jews, and a bicycle repairman."
The man, confused asks, "Why the bicycle repairman?"
Hitler turns to Stalin and tells him, "See? I told you no one would care about the 15 million Jews!"
I used to be Christian....
Her: I used to be Christian.
Him: It's all right, I don't really care for those sorts of things.
Her; Thank god! It's so much better now that I'm Christine!
I don't care if Caitlin Jenner identifies as a woman,
but April identifying as January is crossing the line.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive..
Try missing a couple of payments.
I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe...
I don't care how big a spider is, no-one steals my shoe...
They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise
I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"
Few days later I received a care package containing ammo
What do a farm and hospital have in common?
Too many vegetables for one person to take care of.
I Don't care what any of you say..
My Alzheimer's lets me enjoy this site everyday
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, What do you want to see?
Me: You pick.
Her: You pick.
Me: I don't care which movie. You pick.
Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather
One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."
The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and then calls in the clean up crew.
But a short while later, he receives another message. "Stupid autocorrect. I meant wifi."
My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.
I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"
"Sir?" I asked.
"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."
"Yes, sir"
"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!"
"Yes, sir"
"And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!"
"Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one."
My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.
She's obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter's college tuition money back?
I bought a racehorse today, I called it My Face
I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want a bunch of people shouting Come on my face
I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"
I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."
Interview Gone Wild
A man was interviewing for a job.
Interviewer: What's your biggest weakness?
Man: Honesty
Interviewer: I don't think honesty is a weakness
Man: I really don't care what you think
My grief counselor died recently
Clearly did a good job, because I didn't care
After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I'm alone. Can you create me one also?
God replied, Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg.
Adam thought for a second and said, What do you got for a rib?
We were at a family dinner last night, and at one point my Uncle Bob stood up and declared, I'm gay and I don't care who knows it!
He must have been really drunk, because he's been married to my Uncle Tony for six years now.
•••
Happy National Coming Out Day!
How are republicans and democrats like divorced parents?
They care more about you hating the other person than they do about your well-being.
Wife: Would you care to explain why the bottle of whisky you bought yesterday is half empty?
Me : It's because you're a pessimist.
A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...
…that means no sex before marriage. But he does not care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.
‟Hello, sir, I am here to ask for your daughter's hand
A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks ‟And why is that?
The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh… ‟Well, its just that mine have gotten tired.
Someone told me that I care too much of what others think
What do you think?
My grief counsellor died the other day
He was so good at his job, I don't even care
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe
I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe
My career as a street fighter didn't last very long...
I broke my hand punching a curb.
A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.
In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German Shepherd said, I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.
Good! said God. Sit at my right side. Then God asked, Doberman, what do you believe in?
The Doberman answered, I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.
Aha, said God, you may sit on my left.
Then God looked at the cat and asked, And what do you believe in?
I believe, replied the cat, that you are sitting in my seat.
A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest
The man enters the bank.
Man: I'm here to find out about the mortgage
Employee: I don't really care.
Be careful what you wish for
One for cake day:
Tom finds an old, tarnished lamp. He gets excited, and polishes it vigorously.
A genie appears and say "Congratulations, you get three wishes! What is your first wish?"
Tom says, "I want to be Rich!".
The genie says, "No problem, done. What is your next wish, Rich?"
I just killed a massive spider crawling across the floor with my shoe.
I don't really care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
A man is giving relationship advice via calls
A man is giving relationship advice via calls to a friend
Friend: i don't want to leave her, i really care abo-
He replies: I can't hear you, you're breaking up
Long term pain
During a congress about health care, the speaker asks:
"which food causes extreme suffering, even after years of being eaten?"
After a long silence an elderly raises his hand and replies "A WEDDING CAKE"
I'm an Anti-vax and I don't care what you think.
I'm sick and tired of seeing people who are anti-vax getting bullied on social media. We have good reasons to feel this way and simply bad mouthing us or attacking us is not going to change our mind. We will not be silenced.
I for sure will never have one again. No chance, no matter what you say to convince me. I've been sucked into that trap before!
They are absolutely the worst brand of vacuum cleaner. Dyson all the way for me!
To Christians out there....
My tinder date said to me "I used to be Christian"...
I said to her, "Don't worry darling, I don't really care for those sorts of things"...
She replied "Thank God!"
"It's so much better now that I'm Christine".
You've got to be careful while making jokes about Pakistani food on Reddit.
You don't want to end up with bad Korma.
An old lady goes to visit her husband in his new care- home.
She asks the nurse at the desk "How is my husband settling in?"
The nurse sighs "Oh, he's like a fish out of water."
"Oh no, in what way?" The concerned lady asks.
"He's dead." replies the nurse.
H*tler and Mussolini are sitting at a bar.
A guy walks into the bar and asks the barkeeper "Aren't those two H*tler and Mussolini?" Barkeeper confirms. The guy sits next to them and asks:
-What are you guys doing?
H*tler answers:
-We're planning WW3
-Oh really? What will happen?
-We will kill 15m Jews and a bike mechanic.
-A bike mechanic??!
H*tler slowly turns to Mussolini and speaks:
-See, told you no one would care about 15m Jews.
What does dark humor and health care have in common?
Not everyone gets it...
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the care caring child jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
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