Care Call Jokes
117 care call jokes and hilarious care call puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about care call that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Care Call Short Jokes
Short care call jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The care call humour may include short phone call jokes also.
- I bought a racehorse today, I called it My Face I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want a bunch of people shouting Come on my face
- A wife calls her husband driving to work and says, "Honey be careful. There's a maniac driving on the wrong side of the road on the highway."
He responds, "One maniac? There are hundreds of them." - Dad Joke Don't care what my 10yo daughter does or says from this forward, I'll always be a proud Father…
She asked me what do you call a Elf that just won the lottery… Welfy - A police officer was called to a child care center. It seems that a three year old child was resisting a rest.
- A friend tried to trip me up in an Indian restaurant, failed, and fell face first in to someone's mild chicken dish. I call it instant korma.
I don't care if you like it, I can tikka or leave it. - My car got stolen yesterday !! I thought of calling the cops but then realized it was better not to call them and let the car thief take care of the dead bodies in my trunk.
- People keep pushing me around and calling me lazy... I don't care what they say though this wheelchair is the best thing I ever bought!
- I am opening a new restaurant... ...called "Whatever. I Don't Care".
Gonna make a killing on date night. - Donald Trump has announced a new healthcare plan that's named after himself. It's called DonT Care.
- What do you call someone who takes care of chickens? A chicken tender!
Came up with this while putting chicken tenders out at my old job. lol
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Care Call One Liners
Which care call one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with care call? I can suggest the ones about telephone call and care contact.
- What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth? A Flossiraptor
- Police were called to a day care Toddler was resisting a rest.
- What do you call a person that takes care of chickens? A Chicken Tender.
- What do you call someone who doesn't care about printers? No fax given.
- What do you call a dinosaur that takes excellent care of its teeth? A Flossiraptor
- Me: I'll call you when I get home so you know I'm safe Bus driver: I really don't care
- What do you call someone who takes care of baby monkeys? A bananny.
- What do you call someone who takes care of chickens? A chicken tender.
- What do you call a careful wolf? awarewolf
- What do you call a very caring father? Daddycated.
- What do you call someone who keeps talking even if nobody cares? A teacher
- What do you call an animal that nobody cares about? Irrelephant.
- Call me apathetic I don't care.
- What do you call a pregnant women in the army? Care package
- What do you call a vegetable that doesn't take care if it's children? A dead beet dad
Care Call Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about care call you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean conference call jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make care call pranks.
Mental health hotline.
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a j**... lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a j**... lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.
Valentine's Day for people who are single.
For people who are sad about being single: it's called Single Awareness Day
For people who are happy about being single: it's called Single Independence Day
For people who just don't care about being single: it's just called Thursday
For people like me: I call it Date With My Right Hand otherwise known as Everyday
A woman hears a traffic report on the radio and calls her husband, who's on his way to work.
"Be careful, dear, I heard on the radio that there's some idiot driving the wrong way on the freeway."
"There isn't o**... driving the wrong way, they all are!"
Why do you make more money?
A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?"
The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."
Yokel Logic
Two country types are sitting outside a university, when a man comes out. One of them stands up, and goes over to talk to this man.
He says ''Ello there, son. You look loike one of them clever university toipes. What is it that you're studyin' then?'
The man, slightly stunned, says, 'I study Mathematics, Physics and Logic'
The country dude says 'Oo- arr, logic, what's that then?'
The Student replies, 'I could teach you it.'
'Okay then.'
'So', says the student, 'you look like a country type. I'm going to guess that you have a tractor?'
'Yep'
'And if you have a tractor, then surely you have... a yard, to keep your tractor in?'
'Arr'
'So in turn, surely you have a house next to that yard?'
'Wow, incredible, go on!'
'And taking care of that big house must be awfully hard on your own- so you must have a wife to help out with it?'
'Moi god...'
'And because you live with your wife, I'm going to conclude that you're a heterosexual!'
'Oh lord...' says the farmer. 'How did you know all that?'
'That's logic, my friend', says the student, and he walks off with a cheerful wave.
The yokel runs over to his friend to show off his newfound learnings.
''Ere, Oi've got somethin' to show ya! It's called 'Logic'', he shouts.
'Alroight then', says the friend
'So, do you have a tract'r?'
'No'
'Then you're Gay!'
Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
As she watches the news, an elderly woman calls her husband in concern.
She knows he is driving home, so she calls his cell phone.
"Dear, please be careful on the road today! I just heard on the radio that there is a driver going the wrong way down the highway."
Her husband replies, "Oh, it's not just one. There are hundreds of them!"
A wife is at home watching the news.
On the TV she sees footage of a crazy man driving the wrong way on the freeway. She realizes her husband takes the same path home from work. She immediately calls him and warns him of the danger. She says, "Be careful! There's a crazy man driving on the wrong side of the freeway!"
The husband replies, "One!? There's hundreds of them!"
So, I hit the lottery for two million dollars.....
The first thing I did was to call my wife. I tell her I hit the lottery for two million dollars, pack your bags. She asks me "should I pack for cold weather or warm".
I told her that I didn't care, just be out by the time I get home.
An older woman is watching the news
When a newscaster cuts in.
"Breaking news! We have reports of a car going the wrong way through heavy traffic on I-85."
The woman knows her husband is travelling, so she calls him up.
"Honey, some idiot's driving the wrong way on I-85. Be careful, please!"
Her husband practically yells back into the phone, "Thanks sweetie, but it's not just one; there's hundreds of them!"
!!BAD DRIVERS!!
There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, "**David, be careful!** I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!"
David says, "I know, but there isn't just one, **there are hundreds!**"
A Rich Woman And Her Butler
A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler,
Throckmorton, the night off.
She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early.
She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room.
She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom.
She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.
"Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully.
"Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Throckmorton. Remove my bra and p**...." The tension mounted as he complied.
Finally she looked at him and said,
"Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."
An elderly man was out on a drive...
An elderly man was out on a drive when he received a phone call from his wife.
"Honey, be careful. I just heard on the radio that one idiot out there is driving the wrong way on the highway."
To which he replied, "Are you kidding me? There are hundreds of them!"
h**... dies and God calls him
After h**... dies, God calls him in His office. When he gets there, God asks "if I gave you the possibility to live another life, what would you do?"
h**... answers "I'd kill all the Jews and twelve Eskimos".
God promptly asks "Why the Eskimos?".
"See, not even you care about Jews!"
What do you call a mass transit system that also cares deeply about humanitarian work?
A Bonorail.
A worried elderly lady calls her husband on his cell phone...
"Please be careful," she tells him worriedly. "I heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way on the highway."
To which he replies, "It's not just one car, it's all of them!"
A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"
My wife called me a "p**... dropper."
She said to be more careful with the laundry next time.
Driving down the highway
So this senior citizen was driving down 93 when his wife called him on the phone. "Be careful! I just saw on the news there's a car driving the wrong way on the highway!"
"It's not just one car, it's hundreds of 'em!"
A Professor Calls "Pencils Down"
A professor calls pencils down and one students keeps writing.
When the student goes to turn in his exam, the professor tells him "l'm not going to accept this, you didn't put your pencil down when I said to."
"Do you have any idea who I am?" The student says, snobbily.
"I don't have the slightest idea who you are and I don't care," the professor retorted.
"Good." The student replied as he slipped his exam into the middle of the stack and walked away.
What do you call a road that doesn't care about anyone?
A psycho-path.
Little g**... comes home from school crying
Mom: why are you crying
g**...: at school they are calling me mafioso
Mom: don't worry. I'll go to the school and take care of it.
g**...: ok just make sure it looks like an accident
Two cow talking in a field
The first one ask :
"aren't you afraid about this terrible disease from the neighbor's farm called" mad cow" ? "
The second one looked at her, surprised, and answered :
" I don't care... I'm a rabbit"
What Do You Call a Secret Organization That Cares about Your Well-Being?
Illuminati Concerned.
Your cat died
A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.
Her husband said: The cat just died.
She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom?
Husband: She is playing on the roof.
A man is watching the news.
All of a sudden, he sees an alert saying that there is a car driving the completely wrong way on I-84. Shocked by this, he goes to call his mom, who was planning to come go his house later that night, via I-84.
"Mom, be very careful out there, there is a car driving backwards on I-84."
She responds, "I know! There's hundreds of them!"
In USSR we had this joke
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"
A man called his wife while she was driving to warn her.
He said 'Honey, be careful. I turned on the news and there's a car going the wrong way on the motorway.'
She says 'Oh, not just one car - it's all of them!
A woman is driving for the first time on a highway.
Her husband calls her while she is driving. "Be careful honey, it was just broadcasted that someone's driving the wrong way on the highway."
"Someone?" the wife replies. "These idiots are in hundreds!"
A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.
"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"
Question about baby expert Dr. Spock
Given that Dr. Benjamin Spock was one of the leading experts in pregnancy and early childhood, having written a famous book (BABY & CHILD CARE) for expecting & new mothers on taking care of their babies...
Would it be correct to call Dr. Spock a Mother-FAQer?
Wife calls husband about major traffic incident
A wife calls her husband whilst he is driving and says be careful I've just heard a traffic report about a car going the wrong way on the motorway! And the husband gets confused and asks one car? There's hundreds!
Two blondes go deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree...
After hours and hours of sub-zero temperatures, a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turns to the other and says, "Enough is enough! I'm chopping down the next tree I see! I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
An old man is driving on the highway
An old man is driving on the highway when his wife calls.
Wife: Hey sweetie! I just watched the news and there's 1 guy driving on the wrong way on the highway. Please be careful.
Old Man: Just 1? There's dozens of them.
Drunk driving
A drunk guy was driving home on the wrong side of the road. His wife saw the scene live on TV and in horror rushed to call him: "Hello?! Are you driving home? Be careful, there is a madman driving on the wrong side of the road!". He replies: "I know, there isn't only one, there are hundreds!".
Wife is calling her husband on the cell phone
W: Honey, please drive carefully. TV news just said some crazy manic is driving on the wrong side of the highway
H: ONE??!!! THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF THEM!!!!!
A husband calls his wife
"Oh honey, there's someone driving on the wrong side of the highway. Please be careful. It's all over the news."
Wife replies, "Only one??? These idiots are in hundreds"
Bob's friend gets hit by a car...
Bob calls the hospital and says "My friend has been hit by a car and I think he's dead! What do I do?"
The nurse responds "Take a long breath, and follow my instructions carefully. First make sure if he is actually dead, then y-"
Gunshots
"What next?"
Wife calls her husband and says, Be careful driving home. Some idiot is driving the wrong direction on the freeway.
Husband frantically replies, No! It's not just o**... going the wrong direction! There's dozens of them!
Mr.Ferguson always takes the A200 to go to work,
One day, Ms,Ferguson hears on the radio.
« Attention to all listeners on the road today, a car on the A200 is reportedly driving backwards »
Ms.Ferguson, worried, calls Mr.Feguson and says « Honey, I heard on the radio that a car is driving backwards on the A200, be careful »
« It's not one car » says Mr.Ferguson,
« It's thousands of them »
A man gets a call that his wife was in a terrible accident....
He rushes off to the hospital, upon arriving he sees the doctor approaching him. The doctor says, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is she's going to make it, the bad news is, she's never gonna walk again, she'll need twenty-four hour care, and the insurance isn't going to cover it... upon hearing this the man is devastated, how will I pay for all this? The doctor replies, nah man I'm kidding, she's dead.
A man is driving down the freeway
when his wife calls him. He picks up and asks what the matter is. She says, "I want you to be careful honey, I heard on the radio there's a lunatic barreling down the highway going the wrong way." He replies, "it's much worse than that, there's hundreds of them
Please be careful!!!!! don't know if this is a scam, I've just received a phone call saying I've won tickets for an elvis Presley tribute show then it said.
Just press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.
Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...
He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, carefully puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.
"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."
He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back.
"He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidetnally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander."
What do you call a dinosaur that doesn't take care of its teeth?
A Teethersaur
I called my wife to tell her to be careful because the news said some maniac was driving down the wrong side of the interstate.
She said it's worse than that, there's hundreds of them.
My grandpa left to pick up his prescription across town.
About 10 minutes later I saw a wrong way driver on the news. I got worried since my grandpa had to take that route to get to the pharmacy and called quickly to warn him.
Me: "Grandpa be careful on I-94 there's a man driving in the wrong direction."
Grandpa: "It's not just one! There are hundreds of them!"
Always be careful when renovating bathrooms
It's all going wall until the bank calls you talking about how u**... debt
Why wife said she didn't care what I named our daughter
So I called her bluff
And named her niggerfaggot
A woman sees the news, and anxiously calls her husband.
He picks it up,
Matthew, are you driving home from work?
Yes! At least I'm trying!
Well be careful out there. There's some idiot on the interstate going in the wrong direction.
Honey... everyone's going in the wrong direction!"
A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather
One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."
The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and then calls in the clean up crew.
But a short while later, he receives another message. "s**... autocorrect. I meant wifi."
An elderly woman was watching tv one afternoon
There was a story on the news about a driver on the freeway driving the wrong way
She knew her husband was going to the store, so she called him
Dear be careful, there is a car on the freeway driving the wrong way!
One!?, There's hundreds of them!
Got called a homophone after leaving a bad review on a store's website.
Look, eye don't care who cells the product. If it brakes, I won't by it with my hard urned cache!
Even though Sea World is shut down, the animals still need to be taken care of
Obama answers the call for volunteers. On his first day, they assign him to feed the baby dolphins.
As he is doing so, another volunteer accosts him "Our country is in crisis. Don't you have anything better to do?"
He replied "I think I'm serving a youthful porpoise."
A woman is watching the news, and it says that there is a car driving down the wrong side on the road her husband takes to work.
Worried, she calls her husband and says: 'be careful on the road, there's a car driving the wrong way where you are'
The husband replies, 'I know...
But there's not just one car, there's hundreds of them!'
Sorry if this has been posted before, couldn't find it from searching.
So apparently an Olympic downhill skier was injured so many times she donated a huge sum to the local hospital's critical care unit.
Of course they called it the Picabu ICU.
An old man is driving on the Freeway, when his wife calls him
"Honey, be careful, there is a madman driving on the wrong side of the freeway. I just heard this on the radio".
*"Not just one honey, I see hundreds of them, they are all driving on the wrong side"*
There was a Russian man who was a collector of supernatural oddities.
An American man heard about him, and decided to try his luck at making a quick buck. He arranged a meeting, and presented a thin gauzy cloth to the man.
"This may look like cloth, but it is actually 100%, genuine ghost skin."
The Russian man leaned in, carefully examining the cloth, and running his finger lightly across it. He then turned and looked the American square in the eyes.
"I call boo sheet."
Goldilocks gets lost wandering in the woods and happens upon the three bears' house
She walks in and sees a table with three bowls of porridge and three bottles of liquor. She's hungry so she eats the big bowl of porridge. She's thirsty so she drinks the medium bottle of liquor. She gets tired so she goes to sleep in the little bed. The bears get back home and the big bear exclaims: "Hey someone ate my porridge!" To which the medium bear responds: "Who cares about your porridge - someone drank my liquor!" The little bear turns to the two and says calmly: "Let's all just relax and call it a day."
I took this art class and the teacher said, draw anything.
So, of course, your boy likes wordplay, so I decided to draw water.
I call the teacher over to look at my artwork that I finished and she said, You didn't draw anything.
I said Yes I did.
She said, No you didn't.
I said Um... last time I checked, water was clear, so I guess you didn't see it.
The teacher must've had some anger management issues because she grabbed my canvas, threw it on the ground, and started jumping on it. After the third jump, she tripped and fell right on her a**....
I said, Oof, be careful... Water is slippery.
A man is giving relationship advice via calls
A man is giving relationship advice via calls to a friend
Friend: i don't want to leave her, i really care abo-
He replies: I can't hear you, you're breaking up
First day driving on your own
It's a joung guy's first ever drive on his own after getting his licence.
He is driving on the motorway when his Mum calls him and say:"honey be careful, I heard on the radio that an idiot is driving on the wrong side of the road!", and he replies:" are you sure it's just one idiot, becose it looks like everyone is"