Cards Jokes

179 cards jokes and hilarious cards puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cards that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Did you know that playing cards can be a source of joy and laughter? Check out this article to learn about the best cards jokes, from creased cards to Father's Day cards to Tarot cards, plus the various games you can play with them. Brush up on your whist or euchre skills and bring the deck of cards to your next family gathering for a guaranteed laugh fest!

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Funniest Cards Short Jokes

Short cards jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cards humour may include short deck jokes also.

  1. As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.
  2. Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card She isn't sick, I just think she can get better
  3. I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions 1. My credit card number
    2. My social security number
    3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
  4. A house of cards is really fragile One blow from a little kid and it all comes tumbling down
  5. I told the cop, You can't write me a ticket. I have a marathon to run tomorrow. The cop said, Sir, that's not how you play the race card.
  6. Valentine's.... For the past 10 years I've been getting valentine's cards from a secret admirer, so I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.
    First my gran dies, now this!
  7. My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill... So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card.
  8. Minorities play the race card. Women play the gender card. Homosexuals play the gay card. What's left for straight white men? The Trump card.
  9. My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
  10. Minorities have the race card, women have the gender card, homosexuals have the gay card, but what do discriminatory white men have? The Trump card.

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Cards One Liners

Which cards one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cards? I can suggest the ones about card deck and dice.

  1. To be frank I'd have to get a new ID card.
  2. Why does nobody play uno with Mexicans? They always steal the green cards.
  3. What do you call a country that doesn't use credit cards? A Czech Republic
  4. My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill. I sent him a Get well soon card
  5. I've lost all my pokemon cards in a house fire... I've only got Ash now.
  6. Have you seen the new iPhone card trick? It's the one where all the jacks dissappear
  7. What country does not accept cash or credit cards? The Czech Republic
  8. New drinking game! Draw a card. If it's black take a shot. I call it the Ferguson
  9. I just got my wife a get better card. She isn't sick but I think she could get better.
  10. Got a $100 Nike gift card Can't wait to buy that one pair of socks
  11. A cowboy opens a German car dealership His business card says "Audi Partner"
  12. Why was the student's report card wet? Because his grades were below C-level.
  13. How do you make a house of cards collapse? Just give it time and Spacey
  14. Why couldn't the pirates play cards? Because they were sitting on the deck.
  15. I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday. It wasn't a big deal.

Playing Cards Jokes

Here is a list of funny playing cards jokes and even better playing cards puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards. I find that very hard to deal with.
  • Officer, you can't give me a ticket. I have to go run the marathon tomorrow. Cop: That's not how you play the race card.
  • Me, to the cop: You can't arrest me. I have a marathon to run today! Cop: Stop playing the race card!
  • The first joke I invented all on my own (age ~5-6) Why don't pirates like playing cards?
    There's always someone walking across the deck.
  • Our anniversary is coming up, so my wife told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She will love this pack of playing cards.
  • Why couldn't the pirates play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck! Aargh
  • I'm never playing uno with Mexicans again. They take all the green cards.
  • If I had a dollar for every time Hillary played the Woman Card ...I'd have $0.77 cents.
  • Why did the snowman refuse to play cards on the winter solstice? It didn't want to "melt" under pressure.
  • I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Deck Of Cards Jokes

Here is a list of funny deck of cards jokes and even better deck of cards puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I honestly cannot deal with puns. But I can with a deck of cards.
  • I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino. After four weeks they still hadn't been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.
    They told me they were still dealing with my order.
  • For my birthday, I got gifted a sticky deck of cards. I'm having a hard time dealing with it.
  • Why are pirates so bad at playing cards? Because they are always standing on the deck
  • What was the deck of playing cards sentenced to after committing a felony? Solitaire confinement.
  • I ordered a deck of cards from Amazon and two weeks later it hasn't arrived. Customer service told me they're dealing with it.
  • They're playing with the largest deck of cards ever at this year's World Series of Poker. It's a pretty big deal.
  • I bought a second hand deck of cards from a casino in Las Vegas, but after 4 weeks they hadn't arrived. When I asked for an update, they said they were still dealing with my order.
  • I used to be really anxious because I didn't know what to do with my deck of cards. Then I learned to deal with it.
  • Why can't pirates play cards? Because they are always standing on the deck.
Cards joke, Why can't pirates play cards?

Deck Cards Jokes

Here is a list of funny deck cards jokes and even better deck cards puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Scene (and heard) in the doctor's office. Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! You have to help me! I keep dreaming that I'm a deck of cards!"
    Doctor: "I'll deal with you later."
  • All I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards. I'm having a hard time dealing with this.
  • What has 13 hearts but no organs? A deck of cards.
  • Why cant you play cards on a rowboat? Because you're sitting on the deck...
  • I held up by TSA because I packed a deck of fortune telling cards They must have thought I was a taroist
  • When I was a kid, I had a 26 card deck for each letter of the alphabet. I managed to lose every one of them, except my V card.
  • I've lost all the aces from this deck of cards. I just can't deal with this.
  • My doctor tells me that a healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards. Tonight I ate 52 slices of roast beef.
  • It's my wife's birthday soon. She said she wanted something with diamonds so I got her a deck of cards.
  • How can you get four suits for under $2.00? Buy a deck of cards.

Cards Deck Jokes

Here is a list of funny cards deck jokes and even better cards deck puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What did the police do to the guy who murdered someone with a deck of cards? They put him in solitaire confinement.
  • The New Apple Card Deck only has 48 Cards They left out the jacks
  • Q: Why didn't the sailors play cards?
    A: Because the captain was on the deck.
  • What's the difference between a deck of cards and England? A deck of cards isn't missing a queen.
  • Always use a proper deck of cards A little while ago some friends and I wanted to play poker but only had a set of tarot cards.
    I got a full house and 3 people died...
  • Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
    A: He was sitting on the deck.
  • why couldn't the pirates play cards? the captain was stood on the deck
  • I bought a deck of glass playing cards... It's pretty easy to shuffle but the deck cuts you.
  • Why can't pirates play any card games? Because someone's always on the deck!
  • One thing I can't deal with.. is a deck of cards glued together.
Cards joke, One thing I can't deal with..

Ridiculous Cards Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter

What funny jokes about cards you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cart jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cards pranks.

Just got 15 Valentines cards! It's left me completely breathless...

The security guard in Clintons Cards gave me quite a chase

What is large, black, and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation 3


......... is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a club and a s**...

Recreational tampons...

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in the joint. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said that was going to paint anything he could. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire..." The third convict was sitting quietly aside when the other two took notice of him and asked, "What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled. and said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "Why did you bring those things?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said;
"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

Why are Mexicans bad at UNO?

They steal all the green cards.

Why is it so hard to play cards in the jungle?

There are too many cheetahs.
Courtesy of the St. Louis Zoo Facebook page.

Cheating Partner

A woman was in bed having s**... with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers.
After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you."

I got a divorce for my birthday.

When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.
We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends.
I was sitting on the couch n**....

The three most important things to have in a survival situation.

Every survival kit needs to have three things.
1) A zippo: Trusty lighter to start fires to cook food and keep warm.
2) A good knife: Something to be able to help build a shelter and hunt.
3) A standard deck of playing cards: As soon as you realize you're stranded, deal out a game of solitaire on the ground. About half way through your game, someone will come up behind you and say "That can go there." Boom, you're saved.

s**... is like playing cards..

if you dont have a good partner you better have a good hand.

s**... Education

Two boys get their report cards and notice that they both got Fs from their s**... education teacher.
"I can't believe we failed s**... ed," says the first boy. "My dad's gonna kill me."
"I know," says the other. "I'm so mad I could kick Mrs. Wilson in the nuts!"

All I got for Christmas was a pack of sticky cards.

It was difficult to deal with.

I lost all my pokémon cards in a housefire..

All I have now is Ash.


Dad pulled this one out of nowhere while watching a married couple argue on tv last night...
'Ahh marriage - it's like a new deck of cards.
At first, it's all diamonds and hearts.
After a while, you'll be looking for a club and a s**...!'

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

Take away his credit cards.
I'll let myself out...

LPT: Laminate your index cards when studying. Not only does it prevent smearing, but the teardrops actually roll right off.

A friend went to the CVS in Baltimore after the looting to pick up some items,

the only things left behind were sun tan lotion and father's day cards.

What wasn't stolen when CVS was looted during the Baltimore riots?

The Father's Day cards.

When the Baltimore rioters looted the CVS, they stole everything except for the Father's Day cards.

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood...

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood when someone jumps out from behind a car, pulls out a p**..., and demands, "Give me your wallets, NOW!"
The guys, pretty much expecting this, sigh and pull out their wallets. o**... opens his wallet and shows the thief that he had no cash and no credit cards.
The other guy opens his and grabs a bill, handing it to his friend. "Oh, hey, here's the $20 I owe you."

Just played Uno with my Mexican co-workers...

...they stole all the green cards.

Smart dog

A man walks into a bar, after buying a beer he looks around the bar and sees three men and a dog playing cards. Amazed, the man wanders over and starts watching the game. Aftere watching the game for ten minutes, the man leans over to one of the other player's and whispers " Wow, that's a really smart dog!".
The man whispers backs "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail!"

Johnny threw a pack of cards at Jenny

Jenny started crying but the teacher told her to deal with it

My marriage is like a game of cards

It started out with two hearts and a diamond, now all I want is a club and a s**....

So my wife's wallet got stolen 6 months ago...

...and all her credit cards are in it but I haven't reported it to the police yet because the thieves are spending less than she does!!!

Bernie demands change...

whereas Hillary prefers cards or cheques.

Did you hear about the cvs looted by BLM supporters?

They took everything but the sunscreen and Father's Day cards.

Marriage is like a deck of cards

At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond.
By the end you just want a club and a s**...

Wife's Birthday Gift

John: "It's my wife's birthday."
Peter: "What's your gift to her?"
John: "I asked her what she wanted."
Peter: "What did she say?"
John: "Anything, as long as there is a diamond."
Peter: "What did you give her?"
John: "Playing cards."

How is a marriage similar to a deck of cards?

Starting off with 2 hearts and a diamond seems great but by the end all you want is a club and a s**....

Did you hear about the fortune teller that cheated at cards?

I guess that's how the tarotists win.

8 Days' Worth

Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. What denomination? asks the postal clerk.
Mary thinks a second before 
replying, Give me six Orthodox, 
12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.

DJ Khaled was playing cards with his family.

And a mother won.

I had to give up my career in tarot cards reading..

There was no future in it

Why do Mexicans s**... at playing Uno?

They always keep all the green cards

Ever since these new chipped debit cards came out.

I've never had so many women say "ok now put it in."

What's the difference between a fortune teller and a farmer with r**... bunnies

One deals with tarot cards while the other deals with carrot tards.

Why don't cats play cards?

Too many cheetas.

Someone stole all my credit cards

I won't be reporting it though, the thief spends less than my wife.

Little Johnny walks in on his parents having s**... and asks, "What are you doing?"

His father says, "We're playing cards, and your mother is my wild card."
A week later, Little Johnny walks in on his father m**.... He asks, "What are you doing?"
His father says, "I'm playing cards."
"Where's your wild card?" Johnny asks.
His father replies, "Son, you don't need one when you've got a good hand."

I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino, but after four weeks, they still hadn't been delivered, so I called them up to see what was going on...

They told me they were still dealing with my order...

I've gotten really good at counting cards

There's usually 52.

It's a good thing they shut down production of House of Cards

It's be too unrealistic to have someone playing the US president who has been accused of s**... misconduct.

What do Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey have in common?

The House of Cards they had built in Hollywoodland has now made them The Usual Suspects in Sin City. This was supposed to be LA Confidential but apparently they couldnt find Consenting Adults. The American Beauty of this is that they will now forever be Inglorious b**....

Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first it's all hearts and diamonds

Then you are in your garage looking for a club and a s**....

I keep imagining I'm holding an invisible pack of cards

No one knows what I'm dealing with.

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

Why can't immigrants play uno?

Because they keep trying to take all of the green cards!

A man went to the card shop...

...and asked, "do you have any valentine cards saying 'you're my first and only love'?"
The shopkeeper said yes,
And the man replied, 'Great! give me five!"

A relationship is like playing cards

First you have hearts and diamonds then at the end is clubs and s**...

I've been sending "Get well soon" cards to my friends.

They can't pay their water bills.

Business can be generated any how!

An advocate goes to a gift shop 7 days before Valentine's Day.
He bought 40 beautiful cards and wrote - "To my love !! I hope you recognize! Meet me in the evening, "I love you"
The shopkeeper asked: What is the matter?
So the lawyer said - I sent such cards to the nearby colony on the last Valentine's Day. In a few days, I got four cases of divorce.
This time I am sending 40 cards

Marriage is like a deck of cards

You start with two hearts and a diamond and end up wishing you had a club and a s**....

I just found out my credit Cards got stolen.

But I'm not going to report them, because the thief is using them less than my wife.

A penguin goes into a pub...

At the bar the peanuts say:
"Nice tie Mr!"
In the toilets the c**... machine says :
"You look s**... in that tie"
So he complains to the barman. The barman says :
"the peanuts are complimentary but the c**... machine is out of order"
This was the best joke of my birthday cards this morning, so thither I would share.

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards...

The steaks were pretty high

I used to open so many cards on Valentines Day.

Eventually the post office fired me for it.

The amount of Valentine's day cards I got this year has left me breathless.

Turns out the card shop has a security guard and he gives a good chase.

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow.

Last week, I asked her what she wanted for her birthday present.
Oh, I don't know, she said. Just give me something with diamonds.
That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.

Cards joke, It's my wife's birthday tomorrow.

jokes about cards