The Best 63 Cards Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Cards jokes. There are some cards hearts jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these cards valentines cards puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Cards Jokes and Puns

Marriage.....

......... is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade

I've lost all my pokemon cards in a house fire...

I've only got Ash now.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.

I got a full house and four people died.

Cards joke, I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.

Recreational tampons...

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in the joint. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said that was going to paint anything he could. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire..." The third convict was sitting quietly aside when the other two took notice of him and asked, "What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled. and said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "Why did you bring those things?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said;
"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

Why are Mexicans bad at UNO?

They steal all the green cards.


Why is it so hard to play cards in the jungle?

There are too many cheetahs.

Courtesy of the St. Louis Zoo Facebook page.

Cheating Partner

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers.

After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you."

Cards joke, Cheating Partner

I got a divorce for my birthday.

When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.

We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends.

I was sitting on the couch naked.

Why does nobody play Uno with Mexicans?

They always steal the green cards.

Sex is like playing cards..

if you dont have a good partner you better have a good hand.

Sex Education

Two boys get their report cards and notice that they both got Fs from their sex education teacher.

"I can't believe we failed sex ed," says the first boy. "My dad's gonna kill me."

"I know," says the other. "I'm so mad I could kick Mrs. Wilson in the nuts!"

You can explore cards whist reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean cards carte dad jokes. There are also cards puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


All I got for Christmas was a pack of sticky cards.

It was difficult to deal with.

I lost all my pokΓ©mon cards in a housefire..

All I have now is Ash.

Marriage

Dad pulled this one out of nowhere while watching a married couple argue on tv last night...

'Ahh marriage - it's like a new deck of cards.

At first, it's all diamonds and hearts.

After a while, you'll be looking for a club and a spade!'

LPT: Laminate your index cards when studying. Not only does it prevent smearing, but the teardrops actually roll right off.

A friend went to the CVS in Baltimore after the looting to pick up some items,

the only things left behind were sun tan lotion and father's day cards.

Cards joke, A friend went to the CVS in Baltimore after the looting to pick up some items,

When the Baltimore rioters looted the CVS, they stole everything except for the Father's Day cards.

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood...

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood when someone jumps out from behind a car, pulls out a pistol, and demands, "Give me your wallets, NOW!"

The guys, pretty much expecting this, sigh and pull out their wallets. One guy opens his wallet and shows the thief that he had no cash and no credit cards.

The other guy opens his and grabs a bill, handing it to his friend. "Oh, hey, here's the $20 I owe you."

Just played Uno with my Mexican co-workers...

...they stole all the green cards.


What do you call a country that doesn't use credit cards?

A Czech Republic

Johnny threw a pack of cards at Jenny

Jenny started crying but the teacher told her to deal with it

My marriage is like a game of cards

It started out with two hearts and a diamond, now all I want is a club and a spade.

So my wife's wallet got stolen 6 months ago...

...and all her credit cards are in it but I haven't reported it to the police yet because the thieves are spending less than she does!!!

Marriage is like a deck of cards

At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond.

By the end you just want a club and a spade

Wife's Birthday Gift

John: "It's my wife's birthday."

Peter: "What's your gift to her?"

John: "I asked her what she wanted."

Peter: "What did she say?"

John: "Anything, as long as there is a diamond."

Peter: "What did you give her?"

John: "Playing cards."

Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

Because the captain was standing on the deck! Aargh

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

Our anniversary is coming up, so my wife told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She will love this pack of playing cards.

Why do Mexicans suck at playing Uno?

They always keep all the green cards

I'm never playing uno with Mexicans again.

They take all the green cards.

I honestly cannot deal with puns.

But I can with a deck of cards.

I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday.

It wasn't a big deal.

It's a good thing they shut down production of House of Cards

It's be too unrealistic to have someone playing the US president who has been accused of sexual misconduct.

How do you make a house of cards collapse?

Just give it time and Spacey

Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first it's all hearts and diamonds

Then you are in your garage looking for a club and a spade.

I keep imagining I'm holding an invisible pack of cards

No one knows what I'm dealing with.

A house of cards is really fragile

One blow from a little kid and it all comes tumbling down

A man went to the card shop...

...and asked, "do you have any valentine cards saying 'you're my first and only love'?"
The shopkeeper said yes,
And the man replied, 'Great! give me five!"

The first joke I invented all on my own (age ~5-6)

Why don't pirates like playing cards?

There's always someone walking across the deck.

Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

Because they were sitting on the deck.

For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

For my birthday, I got gifted a sticky deck of cards.

I'm having a hard time dealing with it.

Marriage is like a deck of cards

You start with two hearts and a diamond and end up wishing you had a club and a spade.

A penguin goes into a pub...

At the bar the peanuts say:
"Nice tie Mr!"
In the toilets the condom machine says :
"You look stupid in that tie"
So he complains to the barman. The barman says :
"the peanuts are complimentary but the condom machine is out of order"

This was the best joke of my birthday cards this morning, so thither I would share.

Why are pirates so bad at playing cards?

Because they are always standing on the deck

I used to open so many cards on Valentines Day.

Eventually the post office fired me for it.

A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.

The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing."

"Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says.

"But why?" the bartender asks.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.

What country does not accept cash or credit cards?

The Czech Republic

Cards reference

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

Yes, he said. My father taught me.

Good. What comes after three?

Four, answered the boy.

What comes after six?

Seven.

Very good, said the teacher. Your dad did a good job. And what comes after 10?

Jack.

A newly married doctor got a call inviting him to go and play cards that evening.

A newly married doctor got a call inviting him to go and play cards that evening.

"I have to go out, honey," he said to his wife.

"Oh no, not again," she said. "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes," replied her husband. "There are three doctors there already."

Five asexual people are playing cards

One of them starts to explain the rules and then he pauses and says
I would say no cheating but there's already five aces at the table

Marriage is like a deck of cards...

At the start you need a heart and a diamond. At the end you need a club and a spade.

I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino.

After four weeks they still hadn't been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.

They told me they were still dealing with my order.

A couple of cows were smoking a joint while playing cards....

That's right, the steaks were pretty high.

Marriage is like playing cards

You start off with a heart and a diamond, and soon you're looking for a club and a spade

Some low-level mafia thugs are playing cards... [long-ish]

One of them says, "Where's Joey? He never misses poker night."

His friend says, "Oh, didn't you hear? Joey's dead."

"Awww, that's a shame. How did he die?"

"Well, he went to the doctor last week and found out he had gonorrhoea."

"So? Gonorrhoea isn't fatal."

"It is if you give it to the boss's wife."

I could only see 51 playing cards on the table

I was surprised to find a Jack in the box

How to make money off Valentine's Day

A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer. He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.

Valentine's....

For the past 10 years I've been getting valentine's cards from a secret admirer, so I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.

First my gran dies, now this!

Why can't pirates play cards?

Because they are always standing on the deck.

I ordered a deck of cards from Amazon and two weeks later it hasn't arrived.

Customer service told me they're dealing with it.

What did the police do to the guy who murdered someone with a deck of cards?

They put him in solitaire confinement.

I used to be really anxious because I didn't know what to do with my deck of cards.

Then I learned to deal with it.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the cards magic card jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working cards valentine card piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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