Following is our collection of Card jokes which are very funny. There are some card debit jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these card mastercard puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Y'know, one would have been enough.
I don't remember the rest.
She isn't sick, I just think she can get better
1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.
*An old silly one...but a grin inducer nevertheless*
Mr. Fienstein called the FM radio station and said "I've found a wallet with $400, a credit card and an ID card belonging to Mr. Smith, No.13,Halls Rd, Jackson, TN."
To which the radio jockey says " Oh how honest. So you want his wallet returned back to him?"
Mr. Fieinstein says "Noβ¦β¦. I just wanted you to play a sad song for him".
As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"
HEY! So what did you get for Christmas? The second little boy pauses and says well I got a gift card and a t-shirtβ¦you?
The first little boy excitedly replies Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt! to which the second little boy replies wellβ¦at least I don't have cancerβ¦
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters
~~'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'~~ 'C Z W I K S N O S T A C Z'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
Because his grades were below C-level.
It is possible with credit card, but it makes more sense using a knife.
You can explore card aces reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean card mana dad jokes. There are also card puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
It's possible with a credit card, but so much easier with a knife.
Apparently when the clerk said strip down facing me, she was referring to my credit card.
Man, am I scared! confided Paddy to Seamus, looking furtively around the pub. I just got a card from a guy saying that he would shoot me if I did not stay away from his wife.
Well, stay away from his wife, advised Seamus, and you have got no problem.
How can I? moaned Paddy, he did not sign his name.
My bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since last friday ο»Ώ
A boy is getting all Ds and Fs in math so his parents send him to Catholic school. On his first report card, his parents are shocked to see their son getting straight As. When his parents ask him why, he says, Well, when I went into the chapel and saw that guy nailed to a plus sign, I knew they were serious.
So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"
My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.
It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.
I call it the Ferguson
I don't think I'm gonna do anything about it. So far he's spending way less than my wife does.
At first, you have two Hearts and a Diamond, but at the end, you'll want a Club and a Spade.
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Because whoever found it was spending less than she was.
...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"
"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."
The Trump card.
0% interest for 12 months.
His business card says "Audi Partner"
Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!
My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.
It's the one where all the jacks dissappear
Trump grabbed Community Chest as fast as he could, is building hotels on properties he doesn't really own and is refusing to pay income tax
Clinton started out with a house on Illinois Ave, somehow always has a "Get out of jail free" card and keeps saying she respects any opponent holding Vermont Ave
However, in the end, I have a feeling neither will be satisfied until they get a house on Pennsylvania Ave
'Black tie only' was written on the invitation card. When I got there, I noticed that other people worn shirts and pants, too.
I'm always being used or denied.
It expired a long time ago.
She looks at him sternly and says "If you don't stop before I count to 3, we're going home!"
1...
2...
2 and a half...
2 and three quarters...
2 and five sevenths...
Just then a man taps her on the shoulder and hands her his business card. Hi I work for Gabe Newell, co-founder of Valve, and we're looking for a new Vice President. I think you're just what we're looking for. Call me on Monday and we'll talk.
Let her take the beating.
Can't wait to buy that one pair of socks
Because the thief was spending less than his wife.
...so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
He just said "That's a D, you idiot."
Cause it's a free ride when you've already paid.
"I'm glad I've got you Michelle; I didn't want to be Obamaself"
I'd have to get a new ID card.
But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.
In the beginning there's two hearts and a diamond but by the end you're looking for a club and a spade.
A newly-arrived Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license.
He has to take an eye test. The clerk shows him a card with the letters:
C Z W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the clerk asks.
Read it?" the Pole replies, "I know the guy."
SEX - F
He laughs...
Mom : Whats so funny ?
Kid : I can't believe you are
so bad in Sex.
You Failed in it!!
He was the laziest employee Hallmark ever hadβ¦
Every time I log into my account online it says I have an outstanding balance.
A cardiologist's car breaks down and he goes to a mechanic to get it fixed. After everything is done, the mechanic asks the cardiologist,
"Here's what I don't understand. I fix engines, and so do you, albeit human ones, so why do you get paid ten times more than I do?"
The cardiologist then turns the ignition on and says, "try it with the engine running."
Last night when i was coming home from work a man attacked me. He silently put the knife to my throat with his hand covering my mouth.. I think that's it, I'm done. He takes out his business card, gives it to me and leaves. With a pounding heart and shortness of breath, I read it.
It said : *Self-defense courses.*
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"
She said she wanted more A's.
So I told her "okaaaaay".
When I opened the door he told me, "You should really cover your windows up," and handed me a business card.
I'm like... "Did you just assume my tender?"
Your credit card.
A 7 year old girl was looking at her mother's driving license card. It was written " SEX: F", she then started laughing until the mother asked why she was laughing. The girl said " I can't believe you are so bad at sex that you got an F. Now i understand why daddy is always with the maid.
Police : why didn't you report the stolen credit card ?
Me : The thief was spending less than my wife
Customer: No thanks, I'd have no use.
Man: Here is my business card in case you ever do!
Customer: I can't read this, it's too small!
Man: Boy have I got the product for you!
She isn't sick but I think she could get better.
But in the end you need a club and a spade...
The Trump card.
So I sent them a "Get Well Soon" card.
**Guy**: Hey! I found this wallet with $2k, an Amazon gift card, and it says it belongs to someone named 'Ryan'
**Host**: Oh how nice of you. Do you want me to ask Ryan to reclaim it?
**Guy**: No, I want to request a sad song for Ryan
Went and got a 9mm pistol I go to pay for the gun and the cashier says strip down facing me
Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed
When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how I should swipe my credit card
It can be Visa, Master Card, or Amex.
Cop: Stop playing the race card!
- Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.
I could only get 10% off.
First my granny dies, now this?
She's not ill or anything but she could definitely get better.
***So i used my loyalty card but could only get 10% off***
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took at a card and wrote Revelations 3:20 on the back of it and stuck it to the door.
When the offering was taken the following Sunday, the pastor found his card had been returned. Along with the verse he had written, he found another cryptic message: Genesis 3:10 .
When he checked his Bible to discover what this could mean, the pastor began to chuckle.
Revelations 3:20 reads behold, I stand at the door and knock . Genesis 3:10 says, I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked.
It was super easy.
I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.
1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
He says "Mom, Dad what are you doing?"
The Dad replies "I'm playing poker and your mom is the wild card"
1 week later He walks in on his grandparents
He says "Grandpa, Grandma what are you doing?"
The Grandpa says "I'm playing poker and your grandma is the wild card"
Another week passes and the dad walks in on his son masturbating
The Dad says "Son don't you need a wild card for that?
The Son says "Not as long as you have a good hand
He said "One would have been enough"
They call her 'Cagey B'
I sent him a Get well soon card
The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.
Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
Well my wife and I don't see eye to eye politically. One was happy, the other worried... you understand. So after much debate, we came to a compromise: we sent him a get well soon card that said stay positive.
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card.
But then I had a change of heart
Were hoping it doesn't reach video folder...
1. β My credit card number
2. β My social security number
3. β Uploading a signed copy of my birth certificate
Didn't work though, I only got 10% off.
I really appreciate how some people still give gifts to poor guys on the street, even after christmas.
For example yesterday I saw someone giving his credit card and 5k$ to a guy who only had a knife...
With a punch card
Because he didn't have his master card
Told to me by my 80 year old mother. Elizabeth and Gladys were stuck in an older folks home and bored to tears. So they decided to have a little fun and excitement. They go into the closet and strip naked. Then they run through the card room were two old fellas are playing cards. Tom saids to Jim why did you see that? Jim says yes... well what did they have on?.... I don't know, but it sure needed ironed
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the card poker jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working card visa piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.