Card Jokes

Funniest Card Short Jokes

Short card jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The card humour may include short deck jokes also.

1. As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.
2. Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card She isn't sick, I just think she can get better
3. I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions 1. My credit card number
   2. My social security number
   3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
4. A house of cards is really fragile One blow from a little kid and it all comes tumbling down
5. I told the cop, You can't write me a ticket. I have a marathon to run tomorrow. The cop said, Sir, that's not how you play the race card.
6. Valentine's.... For the past 10 years I've been getting valentine's cards from a secret admirer, so I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.
   First my gran dies, now this!
7. My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill... So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card.
8. My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
9. I said to the woman at the deli, I'd like to buy a corned beef and pastrami, with pickles. She replied, Sorry..." "We only take cash or card.
10. For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards. I find that very hard to deal with.

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Card One Liners

Which card one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with card? I can suggest the ones about cart and board.

1. To be frank I'd have to get a new ID card.
2. What do you call a country that doesn't use credit cards? A Czech Republic
3. I've lost all my pokemon cards in a house fire... I've only got Ash now.
4. Have you seen the new iPhone card trick? It's the one where all the jacks dissappear
5. What country does not accept cash or credit cards? The Czech Republic
6. New drinking game! Draw a card. If it's black take a shot. I call it the Ferguson
7. Got a $100 Nike gift card Can't wait to buy that one pair of socks
8. A cowboy opens a German car dealership His business card says "Audi Partner"
9. How do you make a house of cards collapse? Just give it time and Spacey
10. Why couldn't the pirates play cards? Because they were sitting on the deck.
11. I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday. It wasn't a big deal.
12. What's the most powerful Star Card in Star Wars Battlefront II? Your credit card.
13. My wife is like a new credit card. 0% interest for 12 months.
14. I'm like a credit card. I'm always being used or denied.
15. What did the pirate get on his report card? Seven Cs!

Credit Card Jokes

Here is a list of funny credit card jokes and even better credit card puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can't think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
• When my first wife lost her credit card, I didn't report it. Because whoever found it was spending less than she was.
• I'm really good at managing my credit card. My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.
• My credit card was stolen today I don't think I'm gonna do anything about it. So far he's spending way less than my wife does.
• I'm not one to brag about my financial skills, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.
• I can't understand why my credit card keeps getting declined Every time I log into my account online it says I have an outstanding balance.
• My bank was worried My bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since last friday 
• Why didn't the man report his credit card stolen? Because the thief was spending less than his wife.
• So my wife's wallet got stolen 6 months ago... ...and all her credit cards are in it but I haven't reported it to the police yet because the thieves are spending less than she does!!!
• A man had his credit card stolen... However, he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Report Card Jokes

Here is a list of funny report card jokes and even better report card puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• My mom didn't like my report card. I told her okay. She said she wanted more A's.
  So I told her "okaaaaay".
• My son handed me his report card and I asked him, Why is this wet? He said, My grades are below C level.
• My dad beat my brother when he showed him his report card. So, I gave my report card to my mother. Let her take the beating.
• I had my credit card stolen. About two years ago now. I never reported it though. On my first statement, I found that the thieves were charging less than my wife was.
• My dad rewards me when I earn a good report card, but any C s are punished with unbearable dad-jokes. He likes to call it the carrot and schtick method of parenting.
• See your report card Johnny's father: Let me see your report card.
  Johnny: I don't have it.
  Johnny's father: Why not?
  Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.
• Just found out my wife's credit card was stolen! They are spending it all on jewellery and casinos! But I wouldn't report it because they are spending less than my wife.
• Why was King Triton angry over Ariel's report card? Her grades were under the C.
• I hate being a pirate in school. Everytime I get back my report card, it has seven seas in it...
• Why was the eel upset with her report card? She wanted mor-ays.

Card Deck Jokes

Here is a list of funny card deck jokes and even better card deck puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• The first joke I invented all on my own (age ~5-6) Why don't pirates like playing cards?
  There's always someone walking across the deck.
• I honestly cannot deal with puns. But I can with a deck of cards.
• I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino. After four weeks they still hadn't been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.
  They told me they were still dealing with my order.
• What was the deck of playing cards sentenced to after committing a felony? Solitaire confinement.
• I ordered a deck of cards from Amazon and two weeks later it hasn't arrived. Customer service told me they're dealing with it.
• They're playing with the largest deck of cards ever at this year's World Series of Poker. It's a pretty big deal.
• I used to be really anxious because I didn't know what to do with my deck of cards. Then I learned to deal with it.
• Scene (and heard) in the doctor's office. Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! You have to help me! I keep dreaming that I'm a deck of cards!"
  Doctor: "I'll deal with you later."
• What has 13 hearts but no organs? A deck of cards.
• I held up by TSA because I packed a deck of fortune telling cards They must have thought I was a taroist

Card Game Jokes

Here is a list of funny card game jokes and even better card game puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• Relationships are like the card game bridge... If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
• I found the rulebook for an old card game at my grandfather's house. "Draw a card, if it's black, take a shot."
  Oh wait, that's just the LAPD guidebook.
• What is Putin's favourite card game? Bridge
• My wife told Me She wants a divorce because I take our marriage as a game..... So I gave Her an UNO reverse card and now I am the one who wants a divorce.
• Saw a list of the top ten card games Uno is number one
• What's a North Korean's Favourite Card Game? Kim Jong Uno
• What is a scam artist's favorite card game? Go phish.
• I was playing a game of solitaire, but I only had a pack of Tarot cards I actually won, but 4 people died
• What is a suicidal person's favorite card game? Bridge.
• Anybody know where I can get a Game of Thrones Valentine's day card? It's for my sister.

Christmas Card Jokes

Here is a list of funny christmas card jokes and even better christmas card puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads: This is ground ctrl.
  TO: Major Tom
  
  
  (Merry Christmas David Bowie!)
• All I got for Christmas was a pack of sticky cards. It was difficult to deal with.
• Ordered some Christmas presents online the other day and used my donor card instead of my debit card. Cost me an arm and a leg.
• Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on Christmas Day. It wasn't his actual birthday, but he wasn't going to tell Chuck Norris that.
• I've not received any cards from my Ethiopian friends this year Do they know it's Christmas time at all?
• I just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire pudding fell out.. Gotta love my Auntie Bessie
• What do Elon Musk's Christmas cards say? "Tesla season to be jolly!"
• Just opened a Christmas card and some rice fell out Classic Uncle Ben
• Received a christmas card todah, inside there was nothing but grains of rice. It was from Uncle Ben.
• Why were Jeremy Corbyn's Christmas cards on the floor? His cabinet collapsed

Howlingly Hilarious Card Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy

What funny jokes about card you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean kart jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make card pranks.