The Best 91 Card Jokes

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar...

I don't remember the rest.

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card

She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

I'm not one to brag about my financial skills,

but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.

Considerate.

*An old silly one...but a grin inducer nevertheless*

Mr. Fienstein called the FM radio station and said "I've found a wallet with $400, a credit card and an ID card belonging to Mr. Smith, No.13,Halls Rd, Jackson, TN."
To which the radio jockey says " Oh how honest. So you want his wallet returned back to him?"

Mr. Fieinstein says "No……. I just wanted you to play a sad song for him".

birthday card

As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"

A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...

HEY! So what did you get for Christmas? The second little boy pauses and says well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?

The first little boy excitedly replies Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt! to which the second little boy replies well…at least I don't have cancer…

Why was the student's report card wet?

Because his grades were below C-level.

Persuading girl into having sex with you is like spreading the butter on a toast.

It is possible with credit card, but it makes more sense using a knife.

For me, having sex is a lot like spreading butter on toast.

It's possible with a credit card, but so much easier with a knife.

I had a big mix up at the store today.

Apparently when the clerk said strip down facing me, she was referring to my credit card.

A Card

Man, am I scared! confided Paddy to Seamus, looking furtively around the pub. I just got a card from a guy saying that he would shoot me if I did not stay away from his wife.

Well, stay away from his wife, advised Seamus, and you have got no problem.

How can I? moaned Paddy, he did not sign his name.

My bank was worried

My bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since last friday 

I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!

So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"

My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.

It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.

New drinking game! Draw a card. If it's black take a shot.

I call it the Ferguson

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can't think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

My credit card was stolen today

I don't think I'm gonna do anything about it. So far he's spending way less than my wife does.

Marriage is like a card game.

At first, you have two Hearts and a Diamond, but at the end, you'll want a Club and a Spade.

When my first wife lost her credit card, I didn't report it.

Because whoever found it was spending less than she was.

A drunk guy calls a radio station...

...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"

"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."

Minorities have the race card, women have the gender card, homosexuals have the gay card, but what do discriminatory white men have?

The Trump card.

A cowboy opens a German car dealership

His business card says "Audi Partner"

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

I'm really good at managing my credit card.

My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.

Have you seen the new iPhone card trick?

It's the one where all the jacks dissappear

I'm playing Monopoly with Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton...

Trump grabbed Community Chest as fast as he could, is building hotels on properties he doesn't really own and is refusing to pay income tax

Clinton started out with a house on Illinois Ave, somehow always has a "Get out of jail free" card and keeps saying she respects any opponent holding Vermont Ave

However, in the end, I have a feeling neither will be satisfied until they get a house on Pennsylvania Ave

I was invited to a party...

'Black tie only' was written on the invitation card. When I got there, I noticed that other people worn shirts and pants, too.

Got a $100 Nike gift card

Can't wait to buy that one pair of socks

Why didn't the man report his credit card stolen?

Because the thief was spending less than his wife.

My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore...

...so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

"I remember one time I brought my report card home and said 'Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!"

He just said "That's a D, you idiot."

Buying yourself an Uber gift card is ironic.

Cause it's a free ride when you've already paid.

What did Barack Obama write inside his Valentines card?

"I'm glad I've got you Michelle; I didn't want to be Obamaself"

To be frank

I'd have to get a new ID card.

A thief stole my wife's credit card

But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.

A marriage is a lot like a card game

In the beginning there's two hearts and a diamond but by the end you're looking for a club and a spade.

My granddad used to say "Pick a card, any card."

He was the laziest employee Hallmark ever had…

I can't understand why my credit card keeps getting declined

Every time I log into my account online it says I have an outstanding balance.

Cardiologist and the Mechanic

A cardiologist's car breaks down and he goes to a mechanic to get it fixed. After everything is done, the mechanic asks the cardiologist,

"Here's what I don't understand. I fix engines, and so do you, albeit human ones, so why do you get paid ten times more than I do?"

The cardiologist then turns the ignition on and says, "try it with the engine running."

Last night a man attacked me.

Last night when i was coming home from work a man attacked me. He silently put the knife to my throat with his hand covering my mouth.. I think that's it, I'm done. He takes out his business card, gives it to me and leaves. With a pounding heart and shortness of breath, I read it.

It said : *Self-defense courses.*

In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

My mom didn't like my report card. I told her okay.

She said she wanted more A's.

So I told her "okaaaaay".

A blind guy rang my door bell...

When I opened the door he told me, "You should really cover your windows up," and handed me a business card.

You ever go to pay cash, but the cashier has already handed you the card machine?

I'm like... "Did you just assume my tender?"

What's the most powerful Star Card in Star Wars Battlefront II?

Your credit card.

A 7 year old girl

A 7 year old girl was looking at her mother's driving license card. It was written " SEX: F", she then started laughing until the mother asked why she was laughing. The girl said " I can't believe you are so bad at sex that you got an F. Now i understand why daddy is always with the maid.

My stolen card

Police : why didn't you report the stolen credit card ?
Me : The thief was spending less than my wife

Man: Hey sir! Could I interest you in a microscope?

Customer: No thanks, I'd have no use.
Man: Here is my business card in case you ever do!
Customer: I can't read this, it's too small!
Man: Boy have I got the product for you!

I just got my wife a get better card.

She isn't sick but I think she could get better.

Minorities play the race card. Women play the gender card. Homosexuals play the gay card. What's left for straight white men?

The Trump card.

Guy calls in on radio show

**Guy**: Hey! I found this wallet with $2k, an Amazon gift card, and it says it belongs to someone named 'Ryan'
**Host**: Oh how nice of you. Do you want me to ask Ryan to reclaim it?
**Guy**: No, I want to request a sad song for Ryan

Went and got my first gun yesterday

Went and got a 9mm pistol I go to pay for the gun and the cashier says strip down facing me
Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed
When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how I should swipe my credit card

Me, to the cop: You can't arrest me. I have a marathon to run today!

Cop: Stop playing the race card!

"Dad, your credit card has been stolen for 3 months and you haven't reported yet!

- Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.

I couldn't find an ice scraper for the car windscreen this morning, so I improvised using a store loyalty card from my wallet

I could only get 10% off.

Every year for Valentine's Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven't received anything.

First my granny dies, now this?

I Got my girlfriend a get better soon card.

She's not ill or anything but she could definitely get better.

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took at a card and wrote Revelations 3:20 on the back of it and stuck it to the door.

When the offering was taken the following Sunday, the pastor found his card had been returned. Along with the verse he had written, he found another cryptic message: Genesis 3:10 .

When he checked his Bible to discover what this could mean, the pastor began to chuckle.

Revelations 3:20 reads behold, I stand at the door and knock . Genesis 3:10 says, I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked.

I used to sell home security systems.

It was super easy.

I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.

I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

A Child walks in on his parents...

He says "Mom, Dad what are you doing?"

The Dad replies "I'm playing poker and your mom is the wild card"

1 week later He walks in on his grandparents

He says "Grandpa, Grandma what are you doing?"

The Grandpa says "I'm playing poker and your grandma is the wild card"

Another week passes and the dad walks in on his son masturbating

The Dad says "Son don't you need a wild card for that?

The Son says "Not as long as you have a good hand

My dad teared up after I gave him his 50th birthday card

He said "One would have been enough"

Cardi B's sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her 'Cagey B'

My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.

I sent him a Get well soon card

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee...

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.

Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"

"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

Trump got COVID...

Well my wife and I don't see eye to eye politically. One was happy, the other worried... you understand. So after much debate, we came to a compromise: we sent him a get well soon card that said stay positive.

My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill...

So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card.

It was so cold this morning I had to use my Tesco discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen

Didn't work though, I only got 10% off.

Any tips on removing ice from my windshield?

I tried an old discount card, only got 20% off.

The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"

Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.

The day on which the paper announced the contest winner finally arrived! I scanned, and then carefully read the full-page of submissions, but the truth stared me in the face. Of my submissions that should have won, no pun in ten did.

Officer, you can't give me a ticket. I have to go run the marathon tomorrow.

Cop: That's not how you play the race card.

birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present...

I didn't get you one.

Two tipsy women sneak into a graveyard to pee one night.

Once done, one uses her panties to wipe with and throws them away, the other uses a ribbon from a nearby wreath.


The next day one husband called the other: "My wife came home last night without any panties!"


"That's nothing!" The other replied, "My wife had a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

My girlfriend told me sex was best on vacation.

Not the best post card I have received.

I've just discovered that the kids next door stole my credit card to pay for their Mom's boob job

Just wait till I get my hands on them!

A woman wanted to buy a bagel with cream cheese at my deli.

I told her we only take cash or card.

2 wives go on a girls night out

On the way home they both need the toilet, so decide to stop at a graveyard, but they have nothing to wipe with.

The first takes off her panties and uses them, while the other takes a wreath and uses that.

The next day, one of their husbands calls the other and says:

"No more girls nights out. My wife came home with no panties. "

The other husband says:

"Thats nothing. Mine came home with a card in her crack that said 'from all of us at the fire station, we will never forget you. "

A boss and his two workers had a genie appear before them...

The genie in his traditional style offered three wishes to them, so they decided to split the three wishes amongst them. The first worker said:

"I wish for a party yacht with hundreds of beautiful girls crawling all over me."

Poof, and he was gone. Seeing this, the second worker eagerly said:

"I wish for a castle with hundreds of staff and a limitless credit card."

Poof, and he too was gone. Scratching his stubble, the boss sighed.

"I want those two goddamn loafers back in the office before lunch break ends!"

What did captain kirk's music teach put on his report card?

He's having trouble with the trebles

Marriage is like playing a card game.

In the beginning, two hearts and a diamond are more than enough.

By the end, though, you want a club and a spade.

I carry a notice with me to let other people know about my anxiety disorder.

It's my social insecurity card

I got carded at the liquor store and my blockbuster card accidentally fell out.

The cashier said never mind.

I had my credit card stolen the other day.

But I didn't bother to report it, since the thief is spending less than my wife.

I don't wanna brag about my finances or anything, but my credit card company calls me every day.

Just to tell me my balance is outstanding.

I told the cop, You can't write me a ticket. I have a marathon to run tomorrow.

The cop said, Sir, that's not how you play the race card.