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Card Jokes

170 card jokes and hilarious card puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about card that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you looking for a way to add some fun to your card games? We've got you covered with our collection of hilarious card jokes! Whether you're dealing with credit cards, Christmas cards, blue cards, playing cards, or green cards, we've got jokes for all sorts of card games - from euchre to Go Fish. See if you can score some aces with these hilarious card jokes!

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Funniest Card Short Jokes

Short card jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The card humour may include short deck jokes also.

  1. As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.
  2. Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card She isn't sick, I just think she can get better
  3. I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions 1. My credit card number
    2. My social security number
    3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
  4. A house of cards is really fragile One blow from a little kid and it all comes tumbling down
  5. I told the cop, You can't write me a ticket. I have a marathon to run tomorrow. The cop said, Sir, that's not how you play the race card.
  6. Valentine's.... For the past 10 years I've been getting valentine's cards from a secret admirer, so I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.
    First my gran dies, now this!
  7. My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill... So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card.
  8. Minorities play the race card. Women play the gender card. Homosexuals play the gay card. What's left for straight white men? The Trump card.
  9. My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
  10. Minorities have the race card, women have the gender card, homosexuals have the gay card, but what do discriminatory white men have? The Trump card.

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Card One Liners

Which card one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with card? I can suggest the ones about cart and board.

  1. To be frank I'd have to get a new ID card.
  2. Why does nobody play uno with Mexicans? They always steal the green cards.
  3. What do you call a country that doesn't use credit cards? A Czech Republic
  4. My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill. I sent him a Get well soon card
  5. I've lost all my pokemon cards in a house fire... I've only got Ash now.
  6. Have you seen the new iPhone card trick? It's the one where all the jacks dissappear
  7. What country does not accept cash or credit cards? The Czech Republic
  8. New drinking game! Draw a card. If it's black take a shot. I call it the Ferguson
  9. I just got my wife a get better card. She isn't sick but I think she could get better.
  10. Got a $100 Nike gift card Can't wait to buy that one pair of socks
  11. A cowboy opens a German car dealership His business card says "Audi Partner"
  12. Why was the student's report card wet? Because his grades were below C-level.
  13. How do you make a house of cards collapse? Just give it time and Spacey
  14. Why couldn't the pirates play cards? Because they were sitting on the deck.
  15. I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday. It wasn't a big deal.

Credit Card Jokes

Here is a list of funny credit card jokes and even better credit card puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can't think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
  • A thief stole my wife's credit card But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.
  • I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions ! 1. My credit card number
    2. My social security number
    3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
  • When my first wife lost her credit card, I didn't report it. Because whoever found it was spending less than she was.
  • My stolen card Police : why didn't you report the stolen credit card ?
    Me : The thief was spending less than my wife
  • I'm really good at managing my credit card. My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.
  • My credit card was stolen today I don't think I'm gonna do anything about it. So far he's spending way less than my wife does.
  • "Dad, your credit card has been stolen for 3 months and you haven't reported yet! - Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.
  • I'm not one to brag about my financial skills, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.
  • I can't understand why my credit card keeps getting declined Every time I log into my account online it says I have an outstanding balance.

Report Card Jokes

Here is a list of funny report card jokes and even better report card puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • "I remember one time I brought my report card home and said 'Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!" He just said "That's a D, you idiot."
  • My mom didn't like my report card. I told her okay. She said she wanted more A's.
    So I told her "okaaaaay".
  • My son handed me his report card and I asked him, Why is this wet? He said, My grades are below C level.
  • Why didn't the man report his credit card stolen? Because the thief was spending less than his wife.
  • So my wife's wallet got stolen 6 months ago... ...and all her credit cards are in it but I haven't reported it to the police yet because the thieves are spending less than she does!!!
  • Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card? Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
  • My dad beat my brother when he showed him his report card. So, I gave my report card to my mother. Let her take the beating.
  • A man had his credit card stolen... However, he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
  • What did the pirate get on his report card? Seven Cs!
  • My mum got my report card and said I'm not very happy . I said okay . She said I need more A's . I said Okaaaaaay
Card joke, My mum got my report card and said  I'm not very happy . I said  okay . She said  I need more A's .

Card Deck Jokes

Here is a list of funny card deck jokes and even better card deck puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards. I find that very hard to deal with.
  • The first joke I invented all on my own (age ~5-6) Why don't pirates like playing cards?
    There's always someone walking across the deck.
  • Why couldn't the pirates play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck! Aargh
  • I honestly cannot deal with puns. But I can with a deck of cards.
  • I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino. After four weeks they still hadn't been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.
    They told me they were still dealing with my order.
  • For my birthday, I got gifted a sticky deck of cards. I'm having a hard time dealing with it.
  • Why are pirates so bad at playing cards? Because they are always standing on the deck
  • What was the deck of playing cards sentenced to after committing a felony? Solitaire confinement.
  • I ordered a deck of cards from Amazon and two weeks later it hasn't arrived. Customer service told me they're dealing with it.
  • They're playing with the largest deck of cards ever at this year's World Series of Poker. It's a pretty big deal.

Card Game Jokes

Here is a list of funny card game jokes and even better card game puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Relationships are like the card game bridge... If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
  • I found the rulebook for an old card game at my grandfather's house. "Draw a card, if it's black, take a shot."
    Oh wait, that's just the LAPD guidebook.
  • What is Putin's favourite card game? Bridge
  • My wife told Me She wants a divorce because I take our marriage as a game..... So I gave Her an UNO reverse card and now I am the one who wants a divorce.
  • Saw a list of the top ten card games Uno is number one
  • A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are playing a card game. Who wins? The dumb blonde does. The other two don't exist.
  • What's a North Korean's Favourite Card Game? Kim Jong Uno
  • My wife gave me a get better soon card I'm not sick, she just thinks I really need to step my game up.
  • Why can't pirates play any card games? Because someone's always on the deck!
  • What is a scam artist's favorite card game? Go phish.

Christmas Card Jokes

Here is a list of funny christmas card jokes and even better christmas card puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads: This is ground ctrl.
    TO: Major Tom


    (Merry Christmas David Bowie!)
  • All I got for Christmas was a pack of sticky cards. It was difficult to deal with.
  • Ordered some Christmas presents online the other day and used my donor card instead of my debit card. Cost me an arm and a leg.
  • Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on Christmas Day. It wasn't his actual birthday, but he wasn't going to tell Chuck Norris that.
  • I've not received any cards from my Ethiopian friends this year Do they know it's Christmas time at all?
  • I just opened a Christmas card and a yorkshire pudding fell out.. Gotta love my Auntie Bessie
  • What do Elon Musk's Christmas cards say? "Tesla season to be jolly!"
  • Got a christmas card with rice in it It was from uncle ben
  • Just opened a Christmas card and some rice fell out Classic Uncle Ben
  • Just opened a Christmas card and rice fell out... ...must have been from my uncle Ben.
Card joke, Just opened a Christmas card and rice fell out...

Howlingly Hilarious Card Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy

What funny jokes about card you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean kart jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make card pranks.

Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar...

I don't remember the rest.

Considerate.

*An old silly one...but a grin inducer nevertheless*
Mr. Fienstein called the FM radio station and said "I've found a wallet with $400, a credit card and an ID card belonging to Mr. Smith, No.13,Halls Rd, Jackson, TN."
To which the radio jockey says " Oh how honest. So you want his wallet returned back to him?"
Mr. Fieinstein says "No……. I just wanted you to play a sad song for him".

birthday card

As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"

A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...

HEY! So what did you get for Christmas? The second little boy pauses and says well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?
The first little boy excitedly replies Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt! to which the second little boy replies well…at least I don't have cancer…

The Polish eye exam.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters

~~'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'~~ 'C Z W I K S N O S T A C Z'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

A funny joke indeed

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was n**...."

Persuading girl into having s**... with you is like spreading the butter on a toast.

It is possible with credit card, but it makes more sense using a knife.

For me, having s**... is a lot like spreading butter on toast.

It's possible with a credit card, but so much easier with a knife.

I had a big mix up at the store today.

Apparently when the clerk said s**... down facing me, she was referring to my credit card.

A Card

Man, am I scared! confided p**... to Seamus, looking furtively around the pub. I just got a card from a guy saying that he would shoot me if I did not stay away from his wife.
Well, stay away from his wife, advised Seamus, and you have got no problem.
How can I? moaned p**..., he did not sign his name.

My bank was worried

My bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since last friday 

I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!

So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"
My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.
It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.

Marriage is like a card game.

At first, you have two Hearts and a Diamond, but at the end, you'll want a Club and a s**....

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

A drunk guy calls a radio station...

...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"

"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."

My wife is like a new credit card.

0% interest for 12 months.

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

I'm playing Monopoly with Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton...

Trump grabbed Community Chest as fast as he could, is building hotels on properties he doesn't really own and is refusing to pay income tax
Clinton started out with a house on Illinois Ave, somehow always has a "Get out of jail free" card and keeps saying she respects any opponent holding Vermont Ave
However, in the end, I have a feeling neither will be satisfied until they get a house on Pennsylvania Ave

I was invited to a party...

'Black tie only' was written on the invitation card. When I got there, I noticed that other people worn shirts and pants, too.

I'm like a credit card.

I'm always being used or denied.

My s**... life is like my credit card.

It expired a long time ago.

A woman is at the park with her son when he starts misbehaving.

She looks at him sternly and says "If you don't stop before I count to 3, we're going home!"
1...
2...
2 and a half...
2 and three quarters...
2 and five sevenths...
Just then a man taps her on the shoulder and hands her his business card. Hi I work for Gabe Newell, co-founder of Valve, and we're looking for a new Vice President. I think you're just what we're looking for. Call me on Monday and we'll talk.

My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore...

...so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

Buying yourself an Uber gift card is ironic.

Cause it's a free ride when you've already paid.

What did Barack Obama write inside his Valentines card?

"I'm glad I've got you Michelle; I didn't want to be Obamaself"

A marriage is a lot like a card game

In the beginning there's two hearts and a diamond but by the end you're looking for a club and a s**....

Six year old Kid looking at Mom's ID card...

s**... - F
He laughs...
Mom : Whats so funny ?
Kid : I can't believe you are
so bad in s**....
You Failed in it!!

My granddad used to say "Pick a card, any card."

He was the laziest employee Hallmark ever had…

Cardiologist and the Mechanic

A cardiologist's car breaks down and he goes to a mechanic to get it fixed. After everything is done, the mechanic asks the cardiologist,
"Here's what I don't understand. I fix engines, and so do you, albeit human ones, so why do you get paid ten times more than I do?"
The cardiologist then turns the ignition on and says, "try it with the engine running."

Last night a man attacked me.

Last night when i was coming home from work a man attacked me. He silently put the knife to my t**... with his hand covering my mouth.. I think that's it, I'm done. He takes out his business card, gives it to me and leaves. With a pounding heart and shortness of breath, I read it.
It said : *Self-defense courses.*

In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

A blind guy rang my door bell...

When I opened the door he told me, "You should really cover your windows up," and handed me a business card.

You ever go to pay cash, but the cashier has already handed you the card machine?

I'm like... "Did you just assume my tender?"

What's the most powerful Star Card in Star Wars Battlefront II?

Your credit card.

A 7 year old girl

A 7 year old girl was looking at her mother's driving license card. It was written " s**...: F", she then started laughing until the mother asked why she was laughing. The girl said " I can't believe you are so bad at s**... that you got an F. Now i understand why daddy is always with the maid.

Man: Hey sir! Could I interest you in a microscope?

Customer: No thanks, I'd have no use.
Man: Here is my business card in case you ever do!
Customer: I can't read this, it's too small!
Man: Boy have I got the product for you!

Marriage is like a card game. You start with two hearts and a diamond...

But in the end you need a club and a s**......

I heard about this little village in Africa where everybody is dying of thirst...

So I sent them a "Get Well Soon" card.

Guy calls in on radio show

**Guy**: Hey! I found this wallet with $2k, an Amazon gift card, and it says it belongs to someone named 'Ryan'
**Host**: Oh how nice of you. Do you want me to ask Ryan to reclaim it?
**Guy**: No, I want to request a sad song for Ryan

Went and got my first gun yesterday

Went and got a 9mm p**... I go to pay for the gun and the cashier says s**... down facing me
Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed
When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how I should swipe my credit card

Me, to the cop: You can't arrest me. I have a marathon to run today!

Cop: Stop playing the race card!

I couldn't find an ice scraper for the car windscreen this morning, so I improvised using a store loyalty card from my wallet

I could only get 10% off.

Every year for Valentine's Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven't received anything.

First my granny dies, now this?

I Got my girlfriend a get better soon card.

She's not ill or anything but she could definitely get better.

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took at a card and wrote Revelations 3:20 on the back of it and stuck it to the door.
When the offering was taken the following Sunday, the pastor found his card had been returned. Along with the verse he had written, he found another cryptic message: Genesis 3:10 .
When he checked his Bible to discover what this could mean, the pastor began to chuckle.
Revelations 3:20 reads behold, I stand at the door and knock . Genesis 3:10 says, I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was n**....

I used to sell home security systems.

It was super easy.
I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.

A Child walks in on his parents...

He says "Mom, Dad what are you doing?"
The Dad replies "I'm playing poker and your mom is the wild card"
1 week later He walks in on his grandparents
He says "Grandpa, Grandma what are you doing?"
The Grandpa says "I'm playing poker and your grandma is the wild card"
Another week passes and the dad walks in on his son m**...
The Dad says "Son don't you need a wild card for that?
The Son says "Not as long as you have a good hand

My dad teared up after I gave him his 50th birthday card

He said "One would have been enough"

Cardi B's sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her 'Cagey B'

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee...

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.
Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her p**...!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her b**... cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

Trump got COVID...

Well my wife and I don't see eye to eye politically. One was happy, the other worried... you understand. So after much debate, we came to a compromise: we sent him a get well soon card that said stay positive.

It was so cold this morning I had to use my Tesco discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen

Didn't work though, I only got 10% off.

Any tips on removing ice from my windshield?

I tried an old discount card, only got 20% off.

The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"

Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.
The day on which the paper announced the contest winner finally arrived! I scanned, and then carefully read the full-page of submissions, but the truth stared me in the face. Of my submissions that should have won, no pun in ten did.

Card joke, The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amaz

jokes about card