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Car Talk Jokes

132 car talk jokes and hilarious car talk puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about car talk that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Car Talk Short Jokes

Short car talk jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The car talk humour may include short car meet jokes also.

  1. What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait.. He drove a Honda.
    But he didn't like talking about it.
    John 12:49 :
    > For I did not speak of my own Accord.
  2. JUST ANNOUNCED: Disney in talks of a Star Wars - Back to the Future crossover where Marty flies so far back in time (long, long ago) that he fuses with his car He becomes the ManDeLorean
  3. How many dubstep fans does it take to wash a car? One hundred and one. Two to wash it, one to dry it, and ninety eight to talk about how dirty it was.
  4. A german and an american are talking. "My country is so big, it takes me two weeks to drive from one side to the other," says the American. The German: "Oh, I used to have a car like that...".
  5. My wife is so pessimistic! I remembered the stoller, the car seat, AND the diaperbag. But all she talked about was that I forgot the baby.
  6. Two tomatoes are walking across the road when a car drives over one of them.
    the other turns around and says "Hurry up ketchup!"

  7. 2000: Don't talk to people on the internet or get into stranger's cars 2017: Literally talk to strangers online to get INTO their cars.
  8. A Brit and a Texan are talking. The Texan says "You know, I can get in my car and drive for 3 days and still be on my own land." The Brit replies "I had a car like that once."
  9. People keep claiming I caused a car accident I don't know what they're talking about because I did it on purpose
  10. Hello darkness my old friend I've come to talk with you about your car's extended warranty

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Car Talk One Liners

Which car talk one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with car talk? I can suggest the ones about car trouble and car part.

  1. Beer has female hormones Whenever I am drinking I talk too much and can't drive a car.
  2. What's the best car for a someone with ADHD? Sorry, what were we talking about again?

Cheeky Car Talk Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle

What funny jokes about car talk you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean car journey jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make car talk pranks.

I got pulled over by a police officer and his dog sniffs for drugs.

He comes over and says to me, "My dog says you have w**... in the car." I responded, "Well I don't know about that, but I want whatever got you talking to the dog!"

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

In the year 3000, animals rule the Earth;

they talk and drive sportscars.
An owl enters a psychologist's office.
The psychologist says to the owl, "What is your problem?"
The owl replies, "I always sleep at night and am awake during the day. I am an owl and we usually are awake during the night."
The psychologist tells the owl to come back in two days to solve his problem, as he is very busy.
The next night, a cat comes in.
He says, "I always sleep during the day. Like my friends, I want to sleep during the night. Can you help?"
The psychologist advises the cat to come back in one day, as he is very busy.
The next day, the cat comes very, very, very early for his appointment and ends up at the same time as the owl.
The cat is told to wait outside.
He peeks in the owl's appointment and figures out his problem... and his address!
During the next evening, when the owl usually comes in for his appointment, the cat comes in.
The psychologist asks the cat why he is here instead of the owl.
The cat replies, "He is here!" and poops on the floor, explaining,
"I was sent to deliver him."

A lady who was speeding had an officer pulled her to the side of the road.

 
She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.
After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"
"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.
"Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.
The father responded, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

John( talking to his counselor ): My wife just hired a young,handsome and muscular man to be our driver..

Counselor: So,you're jealous?
John: No,im just wondering?
Counselor: Wondering about what?
John: We dont have a car.

Once upon a time, three brothers named...

f**..., Shut Up, and Respect robbed a bank together. f**... was unlucky and got caught, so Shut Up and Respect decided to try to bail him out of jail. They went to the prison, but Respect was tired; he stayed in the car, so Shut Up went to talk to the guard. The guard said,
What are you here for?
so Shut Up says, To release f**....
The guard then says, Umm... ok. So what's your name?
Shut Up.
The guard, bewildered, says, Hey,hey,hey, watch it! Where's your respect?
So Shut Up says, In the car.

Three high school jocks are constantly annoyed

by a mentally challenged classmate. Since he has no concept of coolness, he's always talking to them as if they're his friends and laughing heartily at their attempted putdowns.
Finally they decide to really stick it to him. His father has bought him a new BMW, which only increases their ire. One day as he is cheerfully driving home from school, three cars are blocking the road. It's the bullies, eager to teach him a lesson and get him out of their hair for once and for all.
As he stops, they get out of their cars, all holding a baseball bat. One of them draws a circle in chalk on the road away from the BMW. "Get in the circle," he growls to the poor confused fellow, "and don't let me see you step out of it until we're done."
"OK," he chirps, and steps into the circle.
The bullies start swinging away at his car, busting a few windows and badly denting every side of it. "Now," one of them says, turning to him, "you understand what we think of you. Stay away from us, please!"
The victim hasn't fully comprehended the extent of the damage. In fact, as they turn to him, he's collapsing in laughter. He's snorting and nearly falling over.
"And what's so funny about it?" the angriest guy asks.
"Because while you guys were all busy with that, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Four men went golfing together one day...

Three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillac's."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. He is also amazing. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

Why I don't get married

Two friends talking: "you know why I don't buy a car?because all may friends have cars and they can give me a ride everyday. " That's exactly what I told your wife when she asked me why i don't get married"

Bottle of Wine

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade.'

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist...

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent e**.... It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.

3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven...

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?
The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

Heard this one from one if my favorite comedians...

I'll leave out the little bit of backstory.
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law are in a car driving down a highway near Miami.
A cop, who has been following him for quite some time, pulls him over to the side of the road.
The cop walks up to him and says "I've been watching you drive for the past couple of miles here, and you've shown excellent driving skills. You see, every month we have a $500 reward for the best driver. Today's your lucky day!"
So, as promised, the cop brings the man $500, and asks "So what are you going to do with all the money you won?"
To which the man replies "I'll probably use it to get my license."
The wife quickly intervenes, saying "Don't listen to him! He always talks crazy when he's drunk!"
The mother-in-law then says "I told you we'd get in trouble in a stolen car."

A teen boy wants to borrow the car, so he opens his parents' bedroom door to ask.

He sees his dad wearing only chaps and a cowboy hat, on top of his mother, who has a feathered headdress and an indian s**... outfit on. He quickly shuts their door and disappears.
The parents decided to finish what they were doing, but a few minutes later, the wife asks the dad to go talk to their son about the costumes and about walking into their bedroom without knocking.
The dad is walking down the hall toward his son's room, but hears strange noises coming from grandma's room. He opens the door, and sees his son wearing doctors' scrubs, but with his pants down - doing grandma from behind.
The dad yells out, "Jason! What are you doing?!"
The son says, "See dad - it's not so funny when it's your mother!"

Imagine if you locked your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic

talk about convenient. You could just go inside and get a coat hanger to pick the lock.

Three men are sitting at a bar

Three men were sitting at a bar talking about their lives. They get to talking about there kids and how great they are.
The first man brags " My son is the greatest! He is CEO of a big company. He makes so much money that he just bought two new sports cars, one for himself and the other for his lover."
The second father, trying to show up the first, says "Oh Yeah? Well my boy created a huge internet company and makes millions he just bought two mansions, one for himself and the other for HIS lover".
The third guy is sitting quietly drinking his beer. The other two guys look at him and ask what about his son? Does he make a lot of money?
The third guy says " Nah, My son doesn't make millions or anything like that. He's a male e**.... Although, his two best clients did just buy him a new car and a new mansion."

A college student walks up to the ten items or less line...

Heard on Car Talk... (from memory)
A college student walks up to the ten items or less line in a Boston supermarket....
He gets in line with an *enormous* number of items, far more than the 10 permitted.
The cashier takes a long look, and asks him, "So. You must be a student at either Harvard or MIT, right?"
"Why yes" he says, "how did you know?"
"Well, getting in *this* line with those groceries, you either go to MIT and can't read, or Harvard and can't count."

Grandmother's p**...

My grandmother got pulled over for speeding. She rolled down her window and talked to the cop. He asked for her registration, and she said,
"Sure, i'll give it to you, but i want to warn you, I've got a Colt 45 in the glovebox."
As he reviewed her licence and reg, the cop asked her about any other weapons she had.
She admitted she had 2 other revolvers- one under her seat and one in her purse.
"3 pistols in your car!" said the cop, "What are you so afraid of?"
She said, "I am not afraid of anything!"
(did i read this here?)

Two prostitutes were talking about clients...

When one of them points to the Mercedes across the street.
"You see that car, the owner afforded it because of me" she said with a smile on her face
"You know, that's not how it works, we don't give them money, they give it to us" the second said confused.
"Yeah, I know, before he met me, he had the money to buy a Ferrari"

Heard this joke by Reagan today-wanted to share

Its hard to get an automobile in the soviet union. They are owned mainly by elite bureaucrats. In a car incident, Gorbachev was late from getting to the Kremlin from his house. He told the chauffer, "Look we are running late so let me drive. I insist." So He told the Chaufer to get in the back and he drove. Meanwhile the police were given strict orders to ticket anyone speeding no matter how important. So they were speeding down Moscow and two motorcycle cops pulled them over but didn't ticket him after he saw who it was. He goes back to the station and talks about it and was asked, "Why didn't you ticket him? "Too important." "Who was it?" "I didn't recognize him, but his driver was Gorbachev!"

Golf Outing

Four fathers are on a golf outing. One of the fathers has to take a leak, so he wanders into the woods. The other three start talking about how their sons have been.
The first dad says "Well, i'm really proud of my son, he's become a major success in the real estate business and just got a free house!"
The second father chirps in, "Well my son is doing better than I could have imagined! He's gotten major promotions at his car dealership and got himself a free car!"
The last father says "That's great and all, but my son is a wall-street mogul and he got a killer stock portfolio that has turned quite a profit for free!"
The fourth father finally emerges from the woods. They all ask him how his son is doing. The fourth dad sighs.
"Well there's good news and bad news about my son... The bad news is he just revealed that he is gay...
The good news is that he just got a free house, car, and stock portfolio from his past three boyfriends."

Two friends are talking...

and the first guy notices his buddy is looking like he has something bugging him.
He asks his friend, "Man, you look like you got something on your mind. What's up?"
"I just had a rough night. I went to the bar, got falling-down drunk, and when I got home, I wrecked my car into the tree. What's even worse is when I went inside, I started blowing chunks." Man number two explains.
The first friend says, "That's terrible about your car. How is that not the worst part?"
The second man says, "Chunks is my dog."

A man goes over to his girlfriend's house..

But when he arrives her friend answers the door, she tells him to sit down, he does, she then starts talking about s**..., how much she likes him, and finally, that they should cheat on the girlfriend. The man stands up, and with a blank face, walks outside. At his car is his girlfriend, who runs up to him and tells him, "I trust you." He smiles as they drive off.
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car

A fine wine

The Navajo woman accepted my offer of a lift to the reservation, but didn't seem inclined to say much more. I noticed a look of ill-disguised disapproval as she got in the car, lingering for a moment on my exposed cleavage, but that was all – she gazed stonily ahead while the car pulled away, leaving a trail of hot Nevada dust in the rear view mirror.
After a few failed attempts at small talk, and my knowledge of her culture exhausted, I kept quiet, and concentrated instead on the evening ahead: a quick bath before Jim returned from work, followed by a dinner with Michael, his boss, at Bon Vivant, the new French restaurant.
The Navajo woman eyed the silk-wrapped bottle of expensive Cabernet Sauvignon I'd bought, as it rattled gently on the dashboard, and said, 'What is in parcel?'
Though a bit surprised by her directness, I was pleased at the conversation, and I replied, 'A bottle of wine – I got it for my husband.'
She nodded thoughtfully, seeming to approve, and then replied, 'A good trade.'

Lie Clocks

So, a man named Jim dies in a car accident and goes to Heaven. He walks through the Pearly Gates and decides to explore for a bit. He walks in to a very large building, and the walls inside are covered with clocks. He gets confused about what purpose they have, so he tries to talk to God by praying. God then appears in the room, and Jim asked him what all these clocks are for. Then God tells him, "Well, these are called lie clocks. Everybody has one. The hands both start at twelve, and every time you lie, the minute hand on your clock goes up one minute." "Can I see some famous people's clocks?" "Sure." said God. "Follow me." God shows Jim a clock. "Now, this is Buddha's lie clock. As you can see, he never told a lie in his life." God takes him to another one. "This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He only told three lies in his life." After that, Jim says, "Can I see Bush's clock?" God replies, "Well, that one's in my office. I use it as my ceiling fan!"

3 Men's Afterlives

Three men get into a horrible car accident, and all three die together. As they are waiting in limbo, they start talking about the Afterlife. As it turns out, one man is Muslim, one man is Buddhist, the last is Christian.
The Muslim says, "I'm going to enjoy my 40 virgins until my wife shows up!"
The Buddhist says, "Reincarnation is going to be a blast.. until I find my wife again."
The Christian man starts laughing, and the others seem puzzled.
"My wife's an athiest."

The Pink Gorilla

An married couple are out driving home through the country one night when their car breaks down. There was a farm house nearby, so they decided to see if they could find some help. While the husband was talking to the farmer, the wife asked if she could use the man's restroom. The farmer said "Sure thing. Up the stairs, third door on the right. But whatever you do, do NOT touch the big pink gorilla through the door at the end of the hall."
The woman agreed that she wouldn't touch the gorilla and headed up the stairs. After she had finished her business, she started towards the stairs, but her curiosity got the best of her. She quietly went through the door at the end of the hall and found herself face to face with an enormous pink gorilla in a cage, fast asleep. She figured it couldn't hurt to poke him just once, so she slowly reached into the cage and touched his shoulder. Immediately, the gorilla's eyes snapped open, he ripped the door off of his cage, and began to chase the woman. She ran down the stairs, past her husband and the farmer, and out the front door. As she ran through the field outside, she stumbled and fell, and the gorilla closed in. He loomed over her and she watched, horrified, as he reached an enormous hand towards her and said
"Tag, you're it!"

Chris says to his father.

"Dad I just passed my drivers test and I was wondering if you could help me buy my first car".
His father said he'd make a deal with his son
"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car.'"
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said
"Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said,
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair…and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
The Dad replied:
'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

I think my wife is cheating on me

I've never talked about this before, but I really need the boards advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, Just some friends from work, you don't know them.
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike , that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Did you guys read the article in the paper about what's been happening at the local supermarket?...

Well, in order to cut costs a week or so ago they bought about ten shiny new robots to go around and collect the shopping carts and trash the customers leave behind in the parking lots, basically replacing some of the jobs human employees get paid to do. The article goes on to talk about how, after a few days, the supermarket owner noticed a lot car accidents occuring in the parking lot which he finally learned was caused by glare from the robots. To solve this issue he decided to paint all of the robots black. The next morning none of the robots showed up for work.

A man gets pulled over for speeding

The cop comes over to the window and asks the man, "What's the rush?"
"Well, you see I a body in the trunk and I wanna bury it ASAP before it stinks up the place," Answers the man.
The cop confused, "Why is there a body in the trunk?"
"Well, I wanted to buy 3 kilos of h**... and the other guy wanted to screw me so I shot him," The man calmly replied.
"So there's a dead, 3 kilos of h**..., and a gun in your trunk?!!??!" The cop nervously asks.
"Yeah, and also a bunch of C4. I'm planning to blow up the White House." The man continued.
The cop, frightened, called for back and returned to his vehicle. As the back up arrived the police chief decided to talk to the man in the car again.
"So what's in the trunk?" Asked the chief.
"Nothing just a spare tire."
The chief checks the trunk and sees nothing but a spare tire.
"Ok, where is the bomb, weapons, dead body and drugs?"
"I have no such things." The man answered and seemed very consumed.
"Well, the officer told me you had all these things in your trunk."
The man looks him in the eye and says, "Yeah, he probably said I was speeding too,"

AZ Hitchhiker

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. 'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade....'

Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."

So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

A male driver with his wife is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place

Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

Ray Manzarek, Ric Ocasek, and Sting were talking about forming a new band after moving on from their previous bands.

They were going to call themselves The Police Car Doors.

Did you know that beer contains female hormones?

It's true. You drink too much you get fat, get emotional, talk too much, cry, and you can't drive a car.
All apologies to the fairer s**....

A dad and his son...

...talk about the son's first car. The father strikes a deal with his son, "Cut your hair, improve your grades to a B- average, study up on the bible, and then I'll buy you a car." The son, seeing no other option, agrees. Two months later the dad checks in on the son to see him with long hair, reading the bible, and a positive report card. The dad says "son, I'm glad you're studying the bible and raised your grade, but why haven't you cut your hair?" The son replies "well dad, as I read through the bible, it says Moses had long hair, Abraham had long hair, and there is even evidence that Jesus had long hair." Then the dad says "yeah, but notice how they walked everywhere".

A man is driving with his wife...

They drive past a cop when suddenly, the man's wife falls out of the car. The cop pulls the car over to talk to the man.
The cop says: "Sir, did you know your wife fell out of the car back there?"
The man responds: "Oh thank god! I though I was going deaf!"

It's been a long time c**...'.....

Cremated Husband....
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that b**... I promised you?"
"Here it comes."

Car son talks to car dad about a dance.

A car child goes up to his car dad and says "hey dad I don't know what tires to where to the dance" and the father says "don't worry son it's just attire.

Late For The Gyno

A mother of 3 had an appointment one day at the gynaecologist. She was very late and had to rush to get her kids to school and her youngest was annoyed at not being able to remember where she had left her art project. She rushed the kids to school regardless and then realised when she got home she had no time to take a full shower and freshen up so instead she just used a facecloth very quickly.
She made it to her appointment on time and got undressed, put on the gown and lay up on the bench. The doctor entered the room and took up position at the bottom of the bench.
"Wow, we went all out today, didn't we?" he winked up at the woman. She wasn't sure what he was talking about but thanked him anyway and after the appointment she went on her way to collect her kids from school. As the youngest got into the car she asked "Mommy did you find my glitter project yet? I remember I left it in a facecloth somewhere..."

A Wife new to Learning driving.. Awesome Joke!

A wife just learned how to drive, and today is excited about her first time driving to work in her new car.
A bit later, her husband woke up and turn on the local news, which was talking about a crazy car driving in an insanely fast speed in the opposite direction of the traffic. The husband started to get a little worried, so he called his wife on the cell, "Sweetie are you okay?".
Wife: "Honey, ya I am fine - just driving to work. What's the matter?!"
Him: "Oh nothing, never mind, it is just that the local news was talking about one car driving opposite to the traffic so I was calling to make sure you are okay!"
Her: "No I am fine.. And ya.. tell me about it.. it is not just one car, it is all the cars.. and it has been driving me nuts this morning!!!"

Five guys in an audi Quattro...

...arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customs officer stops them and says,
"It'sa i**... to p**... five people in a Quattro."
"What are you talking about?" the driver asked.
"Quattro meansa four, and you are five-a people."
"Quattro is just the name of the car."
"Don'ta think you can fool me! Quattro meansa four and you are five-a people, you are breakinga the law."
"You idiot! Call your supervisor, I need to speak with someone with more intelligence!"
"He can'ta come."
"Why not?"
"He'sa busy witha two guys in an Uno."

Notice all the dead crows on roads?

I was talking to the local game warden and he gave me the background why crows have been dying near roads
 
Turns out the DEC asked a local university to figure out why. The professor went out and studied crow behavior, and specifically why so many were dying. After a few months he realized crows hunt in pairs; one was always in the air looking for danger while the other was on the road eating.
 
The crow in the air could always warn when a car was coming by going *cah cah cah* but they hadn't figured out how to say *truck*

My car is supposed to have self-inflating tires.

I don't believe it though. I think they just talk a big game.

Three Muslim women are sitting talking...

The first one says, "I miss my eldest son Ahmed. He was martyred in Iraq last year."
"Oh I know," says the second women, "I miss little Hamza. He drove a car-bomb into a Syrian checkpoint six months ago."
The third woman nodded, "Me too. My Omar was a s**... bomber in Gaza, so sad."
The first woman shook her head sadly. "Kids these days. They blow up so fast."

Irish immigration

A married couple arrive in Ireland by way of car-ferry, and are just about to drive off into the Irish countryside, when an immigration officer stops them. "Now wait just a minute" says the officer. "You're driving an Audi Quattro. I know Quattro means four - so where are the other two people?"
The driver looks confused, and says "What do you mean? There's only us two."
The officer says "You can't pull the wool over my eyes. Quattro means four. You're supposed to have four people in this vehicle."
After some back-and-forth, the driver has had enough, and finally says "Look, this is silly. It's just the two of us. Can I speak to your superior?"
"I'd let you talk to him" says the Irish immigration officer. "But he's busy over there, dealing with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

A penguin is driving his car..

..when he hears a strange noise, and takes it to the mechanic.
The mechanic says it will take awhile and suggests the penguin go across the street to grab some ice cream while he waits.
So the penguin eats his ice cream with his flat little fins and tiny bea, then he goes back to the shop to talk to the mechanic.
The mechanic says, It looks like you blew a seal.
The penguin says, NO, that's just ice cream!
-Heard it from a guy at work.

Two women are talking over the fence....

One womans husband pulls up in the driveway, and gets out of the car with a big bunch of flowers. Upon seeing them the wife remarks "looks like I will be on my back with my legs in the air shortly"
Her neighbour replied "Don't you own a vase?"

There is a head on collision on a road....

In one car is a Priest and in the other is a Rabbi. As they get out of the cars they realise that neither is even slightly hurt but the cars are totalled.
"Praise the Lord!" says the Priest, "This must be a sign from God that we are to be friends!".
"Indeed it must." agrees the Rabbi.
"And there is a bottle of wine in the boot (US: trunk) of my car that is unbroken. God must wish us to cement our friendship with a drink!"
"Yes, my friend. I agree".
So the priest opens the bottle and hands it to the Rabbi, who takes a large swig. As they sit at the side of the road, talking about their lives, the Rabbi notices that each time he hands the bottle to the Priest he holds it for a few minutes before he hands it back to the Rabbi.
"My friend," he says, "are you not drinking?"
"No," says the Priest, "I'm waiting for the Police"

Cop Joke

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

Successful Sons.

Four friends met up for a game of golf, and while one man went to grab a drink, the other three men spoke about how successful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.
Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet
Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle
Guy 4 walks back to the group of the other 3 guys
Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are
Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper
Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he's done with his life
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a castle from his three boyfriends.

I bought a new car recently.

I got it for a great deal. Oscar Mayer w**... was going under so they sold me one of their w**... vans. I was really excited so I drove it around town to show off. I pulled up to a Starbucks because I was thirsty and as I was parking I saw the most beautiful girl in the world. She watched me park and smiled as I walked over to her.
I introduced my self and we just started talking. She looked amazing, I complimented her on her dress. This led to a nice conversation about fashion. I began talking about this vest I recently bought at an estate sale. She seemed really interested and said, "We should set up a date, and maybe I can see you in the vest." I excitedly replied, "That would be amazing!"
Things were looking great until she said, "On one condition. You don't pick me up in the hot dog car." Well this upset me greatly and I wasn't sure how to respond. I thought about it for a moment and then I said, "If you can't handle me in my wurst you don't deserve me in my vest."

True Story.

My wife and I were shopping with her parents. Lovely people, who had just booked a holiday to New York to visit my brother in-law, who is expecting his first child. In preparation for this they needed to buy new luggage. We were walking around the shopping centre and had a few bags by the time the luggage was bought so we decided to fill the suitcase with them, which my father-in-law rolled about with ease. As the day came to a close and we headed for the car my wife turned and said, 'You know what Daddy? We should take you and that bag with us every time we go shopping.' To which he replied, 'Don't talk about your mother like that.'

A man is talking to his mate about his dog...

Man: My dog loves Snow Patrol songs!
His mate: Really?
Man: Yeah, he loves Chasing Cars.

Two mechanics are talking, and one says to the other "Hey, I found this car part in the dump, I think it might be from an old limo."

The other mechanic inspects the part and replies, "Eh, I dunno, that might be a bit of a stretch."

a girl to her mother: Mom! I was stopped at a red light and got hit by a car!

--oh no! who rear-ended you?
lots of guys, mom! But can we go back to talking about my accident please?

A Navajo woman asked me about a box of chocolates...

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally. "What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two, then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."

She actually said that?

A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night... My daughter walked into the living room and said, 'Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.' "
"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"
"Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said... 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign!'

Arnold Schwarzenegger has been talking about Carly Fiorina for years:

"Carly Fiorina needs water," "Carly Fiorina is a great state," blah blah blah.

A wife accompanies her husband to a follow up appointment at his doctor.

Things go normally, but as they are about to leave the doctor asks if he can talk to her privately. The husband goes to the waiting room.
The doctor tells the woman, "I didn't want to scare him, but your husband has a very serious heart condition. As long as he is treated properly, he should live a long life."
"What do we need to do?" says the wife.
"Well, you are going to have to keep him calm and relaxed at all times. Don't make him do anything around the house. Message him if he feels stressed. Cook his favorite meals. Let him watch what he wants on TV. Anything you can do to keep him happy and relaxed."
The wife leaves the office and her and her husband get in the car.
"I'm dying to know, what did he want to say to you?" says the husband.
"You have two weeks to live."

I was in the car with my son.

"Daddy, why did you and Mummy break up?" he asked.
I said, "I don't want to talk about it right now."
"Why not?" he asked.
"We're on the way to a f**...," I replied, "Where we're supposed to be sad."

Car Talk

So a transmission asks an engine, "Yo Engine, hows things with you today?" and the engine replies "Oh you know, just another day in the hood..."

Who is calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.
p**... answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."
There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said p**....
''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked p**...
''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said p**... and hung up the phone.

Young Love

A guy and his girl go out on a date, then he drives to a scenic point, parks the car and tries to get amorous. The girl stops him with a "Why don't we just talk..."
The guy counters. "If I wanted to talk, I'd be out with my best friend".
The girl says "If I wanted to make out, *I'd* be out with your best friend".

A man has a car accident...

A man is talking with a policeman after he had a collision with a tree.
'Could you please tell me what exactly happened, sir?' asks the policeman.
'You see,' says the man, 'there was this squirrel that suddenly popped out of nowhere to cross the street.'
'But if it is truly necessary, can't you just run over the squirrel?'
'I know, but then the squirrel hid behind a tree.'

Donald Trump Tragedy

Donald Trump visited an elementary school to talk to a group of 3rd graders. He said to them, "Today we are going to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and an accident".
Then he said, "Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?"
A little boy raises his hand and says, "If a kid runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a car."
Donald Trump says, "No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else try?"
A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a busload of kids drove off a cliff."
Donald Trump says, "No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone else?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and says and says, "If you were on a plane and it blew up."
Then Donald Trump says, "Well, Yes, but can you tell me why it would be considered a tragedy?"
Little Johnny says, "Well, it wouldn't have been an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't have been a great loss."

A Bostonian and a Californian walk into a bar.

"I lost my car keys!", the Bostonian realized, exasperated.
The Californian replied, "What are you talking about? You're wearing them!"

I'm certain there are female hormones in beer.

When I drink too much, I talk nonsense and I cannot control my car.

A man has a talking dog

A man takes his talking dog to a talent show to showcase its talent.
They come on stage and the man says to the dog 'What do you find on trees?' and the dog replies 'Bark, bark'. The crowd boos.
The man says to the dog 'what do you find on top of a house?' and the dog replies 'roof, roof'. By this time the jeering intensifies and the crowd start throwing stuff on stage so embarrassed the pair return home.
In the car on the way home the dog turns to the man and says, 'Do you think I should have said chimney?'

3 men are each talking proudly of their sons....

The first man says
"My son is a successful athlete! He makes so much money he just bought his friend a house!"
The second man says
"My son is a successful lawyer! He makes so much money he just bought his friend a boat!
The third man says
"My son is a successful doctor! He makes so much money he just bought his friend a car!
A fourth man hears their conversation and joins in, mentioning that his son is a male p**.... The three men say
"You must be so ashamed of him! He must barely make a living at all!"
To which the fourth man replies
"He does okay, his boyfriends just bought him a house, a car and a boat!"

I was talking with a friend about my car...

I told him about how, now that I have a kid, the car isn't very practical. He offered me 3,000 dollars for it. s**..., he's gonna hate being a dad.

Traffic accidents

A Frenchman and an Englishman are talking at a bar:
Frenchman: "Did you hear, in France they lowered the the amount of alcohol you can drink before driving. But now car accidents have significantly increased"
Englishman: " Wow, how can that be?"
Frenchman: " Well its because if a man drinks wine with a meal at a restaurant, his wife has to drive him home"

Talking to my wife in the car

Wife: "Look at that guy drinking."
Husband: "Who is he?"
Wife: "Ten years back he proposed to me and I rejected him!"
Husband: "Oh my God! He's still celebrating!"

A car

A police officer stopped a car on the highway and went up to the driver. He saw the man, and said: "You've just won $1000 for wearing a seat belt! What are you going to do with your prize money?" The man thought, and said back: "Maybe go to the driving school and get my licence!" His wife told the cop: "Don't listen to him, he's a smartass when he's drunk".
All of this talking made a passenger in the back of the car wake up, and he blurted out: "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car. Why didn't you change the number plate?" A knock emerged from the trunk of the car, and the person in the trunk said: "Are we at the border yet?"

An elderly lady dials 911.

"Help! Someone's stolen everything in my car," the lady says. "My radio, my windshield, my GPS, even my steering wheel!"
Shortly after, an officer walks up to the car and talks to his radio. "Disregard that last call," the officer said. "She just got in the back seat."

jokes about car talk