Car Selling Jokes

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers.
She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car.
"235,000 miles."
Her friend told her that was the problem.
But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted.
So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000.
Two days later the blond's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles.
The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck?!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents.
They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder.
"Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what"s going on."
So the boy"s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. "I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn"t intend to come back."
"He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.
So I did."

A blonde was trying to sell her old car.
She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I can only sell the car.”
“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will ‘fix it’. Then you shouldn’t have a problem anymore trying to sell your car.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”

A religious blonde is going bankrupt...

She prays to God to win the lottery, so she wouldn't have to sell her car to make it through the week, but alas she doesn't. Next week she prays again to win the lottery, so she doesn't have to sell her house but again she doesn't win the lottery. Having nothing left she prays to win the lottery the third week and again doesn't win. So she starts asking God why he doesn't help her, why he left her to sell her car, her house. Just as she's about to lose her faith God appears and says "My dear child, I truly want to help you through these difficult times. But, to win the lottery you have to play"

A co-worker is selling her car...

She tells me, "The problem is my car has over 150,000 miles so no one will give me more than $6,000 for it, and I need at least $10,000 to get a new car."
I fill her in: "I have a friend who is a car mechanic. He can 'fix' your mileage issue. You'll have a new car in no time."
So I get her car on a Friday to give it to my buddy for the weekend. I get it back to her with only 75,000 miles on the odometer.
"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!" she exclaimed.
"It was easy! So, how much are you going to sell it for?" I ask.
"Why would I sell it now? It only has 75,000 miles on it."

The best salesman in the world

The boy went into the mall to get a job. He told the management that he was the world's best salesman. They gave him a job as a seller, but expected profits from day one.
On Saturday evening the manager came down and asked how many customers he had served today. The boy said he had helped one customer. The director was disappointed with the boy and said he already had sellers today who had done much better than him. The manager asked the boy how much the sale was worth, and the boy answered "$93,100.25". The manager was very confused and asked the boy what he had sold.
The boy: "I started off with a $0.25 fish hook which got him looking at the fishing poles. I set him up with the $100 bait master and asked him where he was gonna fish, I told him about that great lake down south but told him he'd need a car with all wheel drive to make it up the rough terrain so we got him into the $33,000 SUV we had on the lot, when he asked about boat rentals I thought I had lost him, but I ended up selling him the $60,000 riverking pro to top it off."
The manager steps back in disbelief and says "Wow, you sold that all to a guy who came in for a fish hook?
"No" the boy said "The customer came in and told he had to buy tampons for his wife. I simply told him the weekend was already wrecked so he might as well go on a fishing trip"

An elderly lady's husband just passed away and to get things ready she went to the place that sells and engraves tombstones...

When she got there, she ordered the most expensive tombstone she could afford. They were married 65 years after all and; had 6 children, made lots of money, traveled many places, made lots of memories, and loved each other very much of course.
When paying for the tombstone, they asked what she would like engraved in the stone. To which she replied, "To my dearest husband, you were my love and my life. I cannot wait to see you again one day. Rest In Peace" as it was a common and courteous thing.
Later that day she went to find out what she would get of her husbands remaining possessions, as it turns out, he didn't leave her a thing, nothing. Not one item, not one car, not one penny.
The elderly lady was so furious. How could she not get anything after all they have been through? She knew her husband was tight with his money but this had to be a mistake. Going over the papers for a second, third, and fourth time it stayed the same. Nothing for the lady.
So the following day she goes back to the place she ordered the tombstone and said to the man running it, "I would like something added to my late husbands tombstone. You can keep everything I had on it. Especially the, 'Rest in Peace' , but I want you to add 'Until I Get There'."

A guy looking in the classified for a used car...

sees a new Corvette listed for $50. Thinking it's a misprint, he decides to go check it out anyway. Arriving at the sellers residence, it's a dream car, not a scratch on it and it runs great.
"Ma'am, I want to buy this car. But the paper said it was only $50, what do you really want for it?"
"That's right, $50 and it's yours!"
"Excuse me for being nosy, ma'am, but why are you selling it so cheap? Is it stolen or something?"
"No, it's my husbands car. He ran off with his young secretary last month, and two days ago I got a telegram from him saying to sell the Corvette and send him the money!"

A blonde tried to sell her old car

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day she mentioned her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a way to make your car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "as long as I can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here's the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

So a blonde was trying to sell her car..

Unfortunately, her car had over 200,000 miles on it and she wasn't able to get very good deals for it. After mentioning her issue to one of her co-workers, he says that he can reset the mileage so she can get a really good deal for selling it. She agrees to and he does his business, gives it back to her, and they go back to their daily lives.
After a month or so, the co-worker sees the blonde still riding in the same car and asks her, "what happened? Were you not able to sell the car?" And the blonde replied
"Why would I want to sell this car? It has no mileage on it!"

Topical Jokes for 1/31

The CEO of McDonald's has announced he'll be resigning later this year. It's the first time in history that a McDonald's employee has quit and given more than five seconds notice.
The New Hampshire lottery is selling scratch 'n sniff tickets that smell like bacon. The aroma is there to remind people that if they didn't waste their money on lottery tickets, they could afford to eat bacon.
In Alabama, a truck driver caused a mile-long traffic jam when he swerved off the road while trying to pull out a loose tooth. Drivers slowed down to look, because people in Alabama had never seen someone who has a tooth.
Suge Knight is suspected of running a man over with his car after an argument. The argument was about whether or not there's a pumpkin-flavored Jelly Belly.
...running over someone with your car seems crazy, but you have to keep in mind that Suge Knight's motto is Live every day like it's 'The Purge.'

Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.
Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife! , she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"
Tom's reply: "I wasn't".

She actually said that?

A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night... My daughter walked into the living room and said, 'Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.' "
"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"
"Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said... 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign!'

Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.
Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife! , she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"
Tom's reply: "I wasn't".