Car Seat Jokes
104 car seat jokes and hilarious car seat puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about car seat that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Car Seat Short Jokes
Short car seat jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The car seat humour may include short passenger seat jokes also.
- What happened with the wooden car with wooden wheel, wooden seats, and a wooden engine? It wooden go.
- My Grandfather built me a car entirely out of wood It had wooden seats, wooden doors, wooden steering wheel, wooden floors and a wooden engine. Unfortunately when I tried to start it, it wooden work.
- I don't get why I just got seated in the back of the police car... I clearly called shotgun.
- My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
- Be careful parking around the AT&T Stadium I left my car for about 15 minutes with my Cowboys tickets in the front seat.
Someone broke in and left two more - Did you hear about the man who carved a wooden car, with wooden seats and wooden wheels, and a wooden engine? It wooden go.
- My wife is so pessimistic! I remembered the stoller, the car seat, AND the diaperbag. But all she talked about was that I forgot the baby.
- I used to have a full size wooden car. Wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden seats. BUT, when I tried to drive it, it wooden go.
Credit : u/johnnycrosshatch - A man made a car. Unlike other cars, the entire thing was made of wood. The wheels, the steering wheel, the seats, etc.
One day, he decided to try it out. But for some reason,
it wooden work. - A friend of mine once left his accordion in his unlocked car. Imagine his shock when he returned half an hour later to find *two* accordions in the back seat.
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Car Seat One Liners
Which car seat one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with car seat? I can suggest the ones about seat belt and backseat.
- My balloon elephant wouldn't fit in the back seat of my car so... I had to pop the trunk.
- Why do black people buy old police cars? They never got to ride in the front seat.
- What's black and always in the back of a police car? The seat.
- Why did the bean sell his car? The back seat didn't have enough legume.
- Q: What do Japanese kids say when they want to ride in the front seat of the car? Shogun!
- When it comes to using figurative language, I always fly by the seat of my car.
- If car seats for infants are so important than why didn't JESUS CHRIST have one?
- Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers liscence?
A: She wasn't used to the front seat! - I just got fired from the car wash yesterday They caught me smelling the seats
- How do you fit 30 jews in a smart car? One in the driver seat and 29 in the ash tray.
- I gave up my seat to a black person once... Next thing I knew he drove off with my car!
- Why can't you fit a car seat in the back of a Mustang? Because 2 dudes can't have a baby.
- What's black and sits in the back of a cop car? The seat
- How do you put 50 yews in a car? 1 in front, 2 at back seat, and 47 in ashtray
- How do you put 4 elephants in a small car ? 2 in the front seats and 2 in the back seats
Car Seat Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about car seat you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean driving seat jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make car seat pranks.
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes.
After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down.
Then she said, "First Question was which tire was flat?"
Driving home from the bar, one of the boy's was showing off his new self-driving car.
"Look" he said proudly as the car stopped automatically at an intersection.
From the back seat, one of the drunks wakes up to say: "One way or another, don't all cars stop on their own?"
A Jewish girl....
.....flagged down a cab after drunken night out in town. All too late she realised the driver was heading in the wrong direction, & was driving down a dark country lane into the woods.
He stopped the car, then jumped in the back seat, pulling at the girls clothes frantically.
"Stop, stop!" she screamed.
"Don't worry love, I just want a bit of fun, I ain't going to hurt you" he explained.
"No, it's not that, could you turn the meter off first?" she replied.
Lover's Lane
A cop comes upon a car parked late one night on Lover's Lane. Upon further investigation he finds a male subject reading a book in the front seat and a female subject filing her nails in the back seat.
The cop asks the guy, "What are you doing up here?"
"I'm reading a book sir."
"Uh-huh. And what's she doing?" the cop inquires, motioning toward the back seat.
"Well clearly, sir, she is filing her nails."
With a puzzled look on his face, the cop says, "In the 13 years I've been a cop I've never seen anything like this on Lover's Lane. How old are you son?"
"I'm 20."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Well in about 15 minutes she'll be 18."
Police dog
One evening, a deputy in the canine division was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building open. He let the dog out of his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek. Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further. Then he noticed the sign on the building: "Veterinarian's Office."
Blonde Bombshell
A blonde is angry with the tax department and decides to blow it up. So she puts a bag of bombs in the back seat of her Celica and heads for Canberra. Her boyfriend si worried about her. "What if the bombs blow up in the car?"
"Don't worry darling," she says, "I've got a spare bomb in the boot".
Silly Drunks.
A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice on the line.
"Nevermind," he said with a hiccup. "I got in the back seat by mistake."
Beer
This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "Bud Light" cheap.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a s**... voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading s**... for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"
This Friday millions of people will risk getting trampled to get the best seat on a car
This is commonly referred to as 'Rebecca Black Friday'.
Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I crashed into the back of someones car on the way home from work...
I got out to check the damage and a midget jumped out of the drivers seat shouting,
"I'm not happy!"
I took one look and replied,
"well which one are you then?"
A cop is out on patrol, and sees a car parked in the local lover's lane, with the windows all steamed up.
He knocks on the drivers window, and the guy inside rolls it down. The cop sees that there is a guy sitting in the front seat, fully clothed, and a girl in the back seat, also fully clothed.
"What are you up to here, son?"
"Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine, as you can see."
"And what's she doing back there?"
"I think she's playing a game on her phone."
"Have you been drinking tonight?"
"No, sir. I'm only twenty."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Sir, in eleven minutes she'll be eighteen."
Car Accident
Two paramedics arrived at the scene of a car c**.... The driver of the car was still sitting in his seat, screaming his head off. One of the paramedics tried to calm him down.
"Pull yourself together, man" he says. "At least you haven't gone through the windshield like your passenger" He points at a girl lying unconscious on the side of the road.
The driver replied "You haven't seen what's in her mouth"
I told my girlfriend I was unfaithful
My girlfriend found blonde hair on the passenger seat of my car, so I had to say that I was cheating on her.
How embarrassing would it be if she knew I sold corn on the freeway?
My 3 year old told me a joke on our way home from pre-school.
From her car seat yells up to me, "Knock knock, Daddy!"
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel!!
An elderly man was driving along the highway and was pulled over by a police officer.
The policeman told him that several miles back, the passenger door had opened and the man's wife had fallen out of the car. The man looks over to the passenger seat and says, "Well thank God -- I thought I'd gone deaf!"
A gynecologist decides to make a career change...
He always loved cars, and because he made so much money, salary really didnt matter to him. He decides to become a mechanic. He approaches his local shop and inquires about a job. "You need to get certified first" says the head mechanic, "ill give you the test myself, in the shop."
The doctor studies day and night and finally feels ready for his practical exam.
He comes in and is asked to fix the transmission and engine of a beaten down, old car.
After the test, he is seated in the office and the head mechanic comes in.
"Congratulations doctor, you scored 150 out of 100 points"
"im confused" the doctor says, "how did i get 150 out of 100"
"well..." the mechanic says "you fixed the engine perfectly, so thats 50. You also fixed the transmission perfectly, for another 50"
"Great! But where did the last 50 come from?"
"I gave you a bonus. You did it all through the exhaust pipe"
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.
The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"
The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest
"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.
He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks
"Not until after the cops get here. "
Two priests are driving along the road when they get stopped by a police officer
The officer walks up to the priests' car and tells them, "Hello sirs, we're looking for two child molesters. Have you seen anyone that could resemble the sort?"
The priest in the driver's seat turns to the other, and after a brief moment of conversation, turns back to the officer and says,
"Yeah, okay, we'll do it."
An accordion player walks into a bar,
orders a drink and chats up the bartender and the regulars for an hour.
Suddenly, he realizes that not only has he left his instrument in his back seat of his car in full view of passers-by, but he hasn't even locked his doors.
He quickly excuses himself from his conversation and rushes outside and up the block to his vehicle to take care of business, but it was too late.
Sure enough, someone had thrown another accordion in his back seat.
Parking...
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.
The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
.
.
.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
A driver gets pulled over . . .
A man gets pulled over for rolling through a stop sign. While the officer is doing the routine license check, he spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
The cop tells the driver, "I'll let you off this time, but you need to take those penguins straight to the zoo." The driver was happy to get off with just a warning, so he agrees.
The next day, the officer sees the same car in another part of town, with some penguins peeking out the back windows.
He pulls over the driver again. "Hey, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo just yesterday!"
"Your sure did," says the driver, "and what a great idea that was. We had so much fun that today I'm taking them to the beach!"
A guy is driving happily along in his car with
his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, Sir?"
"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?"
"No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat broad in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
5 minutes
A cop drives up Lovers' Lane and sees a car parked. He walks up to the car and sees a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book.
The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, "I'm reading a book, and I'm 20."
Then the cop asks what the girl's doing and how old she is. The boy replies, "She's knitting, and she'll be 18 in about five minutes."
I don't know what made me feel more fat
That my fast food weighed so much in my passenger seat that my car told be to put a seat belt on it or that I was so concerned with its safety that I actually did.
An officer pulls over a car full of nuns...
A police officer saw a car full of nuns going much too slow for the highway they were on. He pulled them over and went up to the driver. "Why are you going so slow?" The nun that was driving then replied "That sign right there says 20." The police officer looked at the sign. "That's the highway number that you are on." "Oh, sorry officer." The police officer looked in the back seat to see three nuns that looked like they were terrified. "What's wrong with them?" the officer asked. The nun that was driving looked back at them. "We just got off of highway 190."
A police officer pulls over a driver...
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
Why does my 4 year old son trigger my cars seat belt alarm but my 30 pack of beer doesn't?
Because I buckle up my beer.
I left my iPhone 7 in my car seat
When I came back, the car window was broken. Someone had left another iPhone 7 in my car. So not fair!
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!
" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard," he says. She got in the back-seat by mistake."
I can't get over how cruel some people are.
I had some Nickelback tickets on the passenger seat of my car, and I popped into the shop for just five minutes.
When I came back, someone had smashed the window and left two more.
In the locker room after the game...
The guys have finished playing, have showered, and are getting dressed. Dennis pulls out a black lace bra and p**... and starts to put them on.
His team mates begin laughing, and making fun of him. The coach asks, "Hey, Dennis! Since when did you start wearing women's underwear?"
Dennis replies, "Since my wife found them under the passenger seat of my car."
A husband was driving a car with his wife in the passenger seat
Resulting from road rage, a nearby car driver shouted at the husband, "You're a s**... idiot"
The wife then replied, "Do you know this person?"
The husband said, "No, why?"
The wife said, "Because he seems to know so much about you."
Why did the blonde keep coat hangers under her seat?
In case she locks her keys in her car.
s**...
A h**...'s Angel is doing the deed with his girl in the back seat of a car. He hears a tap-tap-tap on the window, looks up, sees a flashlight shine on a badge and then into the back seat, and a gravely voice say, "I'm next."
He starts quivering and shaking, and his girl asks him what is the matter.
He says, "I never done it with a cop!"
A w**... Joke
What wood happen if you had a Wooden Car
With Wooden Seats
Wooden Tires
And A Wooden Engine?
It Wooden't Start
LPT: Always wait for the taxi driver to exit the car first if you have luggage in the trunk
Then jump in the driver's seat and steal the car
When I was in high school, I had a girl in the back seat of my car...
She confided in me, "I think you're really hot, but I've never hooked up with anyone before, and I don't know what to do."
I replied, "Me either, but don't worry. We'll finger it out."
An elderly lady dials 911.
"Help! Someone's stolen everything in my car," the lady says. "My radio, my windshield, my GPS, even my steering wheel!"
Shortly after, an officer walks up to the car and talks to his radio. "Disregard that last call," the officer said. "She just got in the back seat."
A priest is pulled over for speeding...
Smelling alcohol on the priest breath and noticing a wine bottle in the passenger seat of the car, the highway patrolman asks, "father, have you been drinking?"
"just water," the priest replies.
"Then why do I smell wine on your breath?" quipped the patrolman.
The priest looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "good Lord he's done it again".
Edited for u/littlekiing
A circus performer is pulled over for speeding.
As the officer is writing the ticket, he notices several machetes in the back seat of the car.
What are those for? he asks suspiciously.
I'm a juggler, the driver replies. I use those in my act.
Well, show me, the officer demands.
So the juggler gets out and starts juggling: one, two, three, four, and finally seven machetes at one time. He does overhand, underhand, and behind the back.
Another car passes by. The driver does a double take and says: My God, if that's the test they're giving now, I've got to give up drinking!
Bartering with Beer
Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less self almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a s**... voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow,
would you be interested in trading s**... for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"Depends on what kind of beer you've got!"
A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway
The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"
The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway — Route 20!"
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!"
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
"What's the matter?" the cop asks.
She responds, "We just came off of Interstate 190.
Submitting this while I'm in a car...
Don't worry... I'm in the passenger seat, which makes it harder to drive but fools the COPS.
Don't you love having your gym pass on your keys? It's so convenient!
Every time they fall under my car seat, the pass makes it so easy to pick up!
Smoking a cigarette
Have you ever smoked a cigarette in your car and tried to throw it out the window and a minute later you smell something and turn around to find your grandma f**... herself in the back seat?
So a snail walks into a car dealership..
He goes up to the dealer and he says, "Alright, I want it cherry red, with white-walls, and leather seats, and I want a *big* 'S' painted on the the side." After he rings it the dealer looks at him and he says "I understand white-walls and leather seats, but why the letter 'S' on the side? "Well" the snail says "When I drive by in my new car, I want people to say 'look at that S car go!'
An elderly woman called 911...
An elderly woman called 911 from her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.
"They've stolen everything! My radio is gone, my center console is gone, my mirror and the rosary beads hanging from it...even the steering wheel!"
The dispatcher responds that an officer is on the way.
Minutes later, the officer arrives and radios back into dispatch.
"Disregard that last call. She got in the back seat by mistake."
They keep telling me to put on my seat belt to keep me safe during an accident
But don't they know the safest place during an accident is outside the car.
A young man is out for his first date with an older lady...
It goes very well, and they wind up in the back seat of his car, messing around.
"Put a finger in me..." she whispers.
"Okay.."
"Now put two fingers in..."
"Okay..."
"Put *four* in, baby..."
"Alright..."
"Now put your whole hand in!"
"Urgggh...! Okay..."
"Oh, yes! Now put your other hand in!"
"Uhhhhhrrrrg! Whew! Done!"
"Now clap!"
"Rrrrggghhh!!! I... I can't!"
"Tight, eh!?"
forgetful Dad
My wife is so negative.
I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
A police officer stops a speeding car and walks up to the driver
"Do you know you were going 20 km/h over the speed limit ?"
The guy respond : "How am I supposed to know ? I don't have a license".
His wife, sitting on the passenger seat, interjects : "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."
Their kid, on the backseat, sighs "I knew we weren't going to go far with a stolen car..."
A voice comes out of the trunk "Did we pass the border yet ?"
A husband is driving a car, while his wife is in the passenger seat
Husband puts on the indicator and asks the wife to check whether it is working.
She puts her head out and says : YES... NO... YES... NO... YES... NO...
What's the first thing that goes through your head, when you find yourself in a car accident without a seat belt?
The windshield
A cop sees a car swerving around as it goes down the road and pulls it over.
At the wheel, he finds a priest. So the cop shines a light in the car and asks him, have you been drinking, father?
The priest says, Just water.
The cop moved his flashlight to the passenger seat and saw an empty bottle of wine. The priest looks at it and cries out, Good Lord, He's done it again!
A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool.
The man picks up the guy and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off again. This time he picks the guy up and asks, ''Where do you live?'' Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the guy's house, the man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3 times before getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell and the guy's wife comes to the door. The man says, ''Hello, I've brought your husband home.'' The wife looks at the man and asks, ''Where's his wheel chair?''
Found this one in my 2014 meme stash
A police officer pulled over a car on a deserted highway and told the driver, "Congratulations! You're the first person here today who was wearing a seat belt and now you're entitled to a prize of 1000$. What are you gonna do with your money?"
"Well", replied the man, "I think I'm gonna get a driver's license."
"Oh, Ignore him.", his wife said, "He always speaks nonsense when he's drunk."
"I KNEW IT!", his father bellowed from the backseat, "I KNEW WE WON'T GET FAR IN A STOLEN CAR."
Then came the voice from the trunk, "Are we over the border yet?"
Rough part of the hood.
I once parked my car with my accordion in the back seat in a rough part of town. I was only gone a few minutes, but when I came back, somebody had smashed my rear windshield and thrown in two more accordions.
A Cop on patrol sees a car in a deserted parking lot (Long)
So he walks over to it and sees and older man in the front seat and a skimpy dressed young woman in the back reading a book. He knocks on the door and the man rolls down the window.
"Can I help you officer?"
"What are you doing?" The cop asked.
"I am just listening to music." The cop pointed at the girl
"And her?"
"She is just reading a book." The cop is a little worried about the age difference between the pair."
"How old are you?"
"I am 45."
"And her?" The man looks at his watch.
"In 11 minutes and 23 seconds she will be 18."
A circus performer is stopped by the police for having a faulty brake light
As he approaches the car, the policeman spots a set of knives on the back seat.
He asks the man why he has them and doesn't he know it's against the law to carry knives?
The man explains that the knives are used in his act. He juggles them.
The policeman insists the man gets out to show him so he stands at the roadside performing his act.
Just then, another car drives by. The driver of the car turns to his wife and says, Thank goodness I gave up drinking, just look how the police do sobriety tests these days.
A cop sees a car parked in the local Lover's Lane with the windows all steamed up.
He goes over and taps on the window. The guy inside rolls it down.
The cop looks inside and sees the fellow sitting behind the wheel, fully dressed. There's a young lady sitting in the back seat, also fully dressed.
The cop says, "What are you doing out here?"
Guy says, "I'm watching a video on my phone."
"And what's she doing back there?"
"I think she's on Facebook."
"What's going on here? How old are you, son?"
"I'm twenty."
"And how old is she?"
"In...thirteen minutes she'll be eighteen."
At the airport check-in counter
At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both herself and her husband.
The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them for sitting together.
"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I *know* what I'm requesting!"
Just In Time
A cop was on night patrol driving up near lover's lookout when he noticed a parked car with a young man reading on the front seat and a young woman knitting on the back seat. He pulled over and walked up to their car. "What are you doing, Son?" the cop asked. "Reading," the young man answered. The cop shone his flashlight on the back seat. "And what is she doing?" "She's knitting," the young man answered. "How old are you?" the cop asked suspiciously. "I'm twenty one," the man answered. "And how old is she?" the cop asked. The young man looked at his watch, "In forty five minutes she'll be eighteen."
An Accordion Player Stops For Beer
An accordion player stops at a convenience store to grab a six pack.
As he's closing the car door he sees his accordion in the back seat and has a split thought that maybe he should put it in the trunk, but then thinks nah, he's literally gonna be just 20 feet away for 2 minutes.
The guy's in the shop for only 90 seconds, but as he's coming out sees that his rear window has been smashed. He shouts "oh no, not again"!
He looks in the back seat, and sure enough, there's three accordions.
Idk my daughter totally got me today and it was quite funny
"I've got something in my mouth!"
"No you don't."
"I've got something in my mooouuuth"
"No you don't, you better not" *turns around in passenger seat of car to look at her*
"See!!! It's my tongue!!!"
...little s**... bird.
She is 3 years old and we were on our way to the hospital for her chemotherapy treatment. My daughter will become either a nurse, Dr, or a comedian when she is grown.
We went to see a movie the other night.
I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do, as it feels a little roomier.
Just as the movie was about to start, a blonde from the centre of the row got up and started making her way out, saying, "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, got to hurry, oops, excuse me."
By the time she got to me, I was pretty annoyed with her and asked, "Could you have not done this a little earlier?"
"No", she whispered loudly to me, "The 'TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE' message just came up on the screen, and mine is in the car."
A couple are driving and get involved in a huge c**....
The wife is thrown from the car and killed instantly. The husband wasnt hurt severely from the c**... by wearing his seat belt.
When emergency services arrive the man is screaming for his wife and rolling around in pain. Police come and inform him his wife died in the collision.
The man clutching between his legs in pain says "did you see if she had anything in her mouth".
My wife is so negative...
I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone
It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.
She says - "I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph"
Officer - "That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road"
Then he notices 3 other older ladies in the back seat whose faces were white as a sheet.
He asks the driver whats wrong.
Her - "Oh, we just came off I-215"