Car Scratch Jokes

22 car scratch jokes and hilarious car scratch puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about car scratch that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Car Scratch Short Jokes

Short car scratch jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The car scratch humour may include short cat scratch jokes also.

  1. I bought a secondhand car from an online dealer. In the description it said: "Not one scratch." Well, technically he wasn't lying - there's hundreds.
  2. LPT: If you c**... into a parked car and don't have a paper and pen.. simply use a key to scratch your insurance details on to the bonnet.
  3. My wife said she wouldn't have s**... with me until I did everything on the "To-Do list" So I scratched out **#1** "*Wash the car*" and replaced it with "*Have a three-some with Becky and Wife*"
  4. I scratch it up, and dent gets all kinds of dirty...s**..., I even flipped it one time! Even still, my car just wants to be PRNDS.

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Car Scratch One Liners

Which car scratch one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with car scratch? I can suggest the ones about back scratching and scratch.

  1. Scratches and dents on the doors of your car are the side effects of bad driving.

Car Scratch Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about car scratch you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean car wash jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make car scratch pranks.

A young couple is out carousing one evening...(could be repost)

While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you t**... clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up.
When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to s**.... When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm n**...."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover yourself with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road.
When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her c**... and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

When I was a kid living with my parents, I remember when my dad gave me money to pay the utilities one day

On impulse, I decided to buy scratch-offs. When I got home I explained *'but we could get a new car when we win!'*, he ended up beating me.
The next day, we woke up to a new truck outside our house and everyone was crying. Myself in particular, because the new truck was from the Utilities company, coming to shutoff the water. So my dad beat me again.
It still Hertz to this day.

A blonde movie star is pulled over......

The cops walks up to the car and says "driver's licence please". The blonde says "What's a driver's licence?" The cop impatiently responds, "It's that square thing with your picture on it". "Oh!," exclaims the Blonde and she pulls out a square mirror and hands it to the cop. As the cop looks at it, she scratches her head revealing long flowing golden hair*. She then hands it back and says, "Sorry for the inconvenience, I didn't realize you were a cop."

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force.
Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.
Just look at our cars.
There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.
This must be a sign from God!"
Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.
This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!
Here's another miracle!
My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.
Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

Husband: I lost my wife says to Inspector

Husband: I lost my wife; she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector: what is her height?
Husband: I never checked.
Inspector: Slim or Healthy?
Husband: Not Slim can be healthy.
Inspector: color of eyes?
Husband: Never Notice.
Inspector: color of hair?
Husband: Changes According to season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector: Was she driving?
Husband: yes.
Inspector: Color of the car? ...
Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 2.0 liter V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight- speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door….an then the Husband started crying…
Inspector: Don not worry sir,… we will find your car.

Missing wife

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:
Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet.
Inspector : -What is her height?
Husband : -Average, I guess.
Inspector : -Slim or healthy?.
Husband : -Not slim, but probably healthy.
Inspector : -Color of eyes?
Husband : -Never noticed.
Inspector : -Color of hair?
Husband : -Changes according to season.
Inspector : -What was she wearing?
Husband : -Not sure, either a dress or a suit.
Inspector : -Was she driving?
Husband : -Yes.
Inspector : -Color of the car?
Husband : -Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door... and then the husband started crying...
Inspector: -Don't worry sir,...We will find your car.

Missing report

A husband went to the police station to file a missing report
Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet.
Officer: -What is her height?
Husband : -Average, I guess.
Officer: -Slim or healthy?
Husband: -Not slim, but probably healthy.
Officer: -Color of eyes?
Husband : -Never noticed.
Officer : -Color of hair?
Husband : -Changes according to season.
Officer : -What was she wearing?
Husband : -Not sure, either a dress or a suit.
Officer : -Was she driving?
Husband : -Yes.
Officer : -Color of the car?
Husband : -Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door... and then the husband started

Topical Jokes for 1/31

The CEO of McDonald's has announced he'll be resigning later this year. It's the first time in history that a McDonald's employee has quit and given more than five seconds notice.
The New Hampshire lottery is selling scratch 'n sniff tickets that smell like bacon. The aroma is there to remind people that if they didn't waste their money on lottery tickets, they could afford to eat bacon.
In Alabama, a truck driver caused a mile-long traffic jam when he swerved off the road while trying to pull out a loose tooth. Drivers slowed down to look, because people in Alabama had never seen someone who has a tooth.
Suge Knight is suspected of running a man over with his car after an argument. The argument was about whether or not there's a pumpkin-flavored Jelly Belly.
...running over someone with your car seems crazy, but you have to keep in mind that Suge Knight's motto is Live every day like it's 'The Purge.'

A guy looking in the classified for a used car...

sees a new Corvette listed for $50. Thinking it's a misprint, he decides to go check it out anyway. Arriving at the sellers residence, it's a dream car, not a scratch on it and it runs great.
"Ma'am, I want to buy this car. But the paper said it was only $50, what do you really want for it?"
"That's right, $50 and it's yours!"
"Excuse me for being nosy, ma'am, but why are you selling it so cheap? Is it stolen or something?"
"No, it's my husbands car. He ran off with his young secretary last month, and two days ago I got a telegram from him saying to sell the Corvette and send him the money!"

3 Nuns die in a car c**......

...and as they have all dedicated their lives to God, their souls are immediately sent up to heaven, where they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Sisters, I know you are all devout followers of Christ, but unfortunately we have protocol to follow up in here in heaven, and I must first ask each of you a simple question before I can let you enter."
The sisters are somewhat surprised, a little nervous, but agree to answer St. Peter's questions.
"Sister Anne," he says, "who was the first man on earth?"
Sister Anne says "Oh that's an easy one, Adam!"
-GONG- The gates of heaven open up, and Sister Anne walks through.
"Sister Mary: who was the first woman on earth?"
Relieved, Sister Mary exclaims "Eve!"
-GONG- The gates open again, and Sister Mary enters, leaving only Sister Theresa behind.
"Sister Theresa...what was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"
Sister Theresa pauses, the smile disappearing from her face. She realizes she can't think of the answer, despite her best efforts. Scratching her head in confusion and panic, she admits, "That's a really hard one."

There's a car accident in a neighborhood

A guy in an old, beat up station wagon rear ends another guy in a brand new Porsche. Both drivers get out of their cars to inspect the damage and they see that the back of the Porsche is totaled but station wagon's front fender doesn't have a scratch on it.
The owner of the Porsche is livid with rage that this dolt hit him and wrecked his new car. So he goes into his car and comes back with a piece of chalk and a baseball bat. He draws a circle on the ground around the driver of the station wagon and tells him if he leaves that circle he'll beat him to death with the baseball bat.
Then the Porsche driver goes to town on the station wagon, getting all his fury out destroying the car. He bashes in the windows, dents up the hood, roof and sides and destroys all the lights. When he comes back to the driver of the station wagon he finds the guy rolling on the ground laughing his head off. Astonished, he asks the guy how he could be laughing so hard after his station wagon was just destroyed.
The guy stops laughing for a second and says, "While you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle *two times*!"

A farmer was working in his field...

when a carload of politicians rounded the corner at high speed, lost control, and flipped into a ditch.
A few hours later, a state trooper pulled up and asked, "Excuse me sir, but did you happen to see a car full of politicians come through here?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I did, officer. They crashed over there," replied the farmer, gesturing towards a fresh mound of dirt.
"You BURIED them?" asked the officer in shock. "Were they dead?"
The farmer scratched his head. "Well, officer, they SAID they weren't, but... well, you know how those politicians lie"

The Cask of Amor-illado.

A man and woman are involved in a severe car accident. Although the cars are totaled, they both crawl out of the wreckage, each without a scratch. The man immediately starts swearing. Women are the worst drivers on earth! They shouldn't be given driver's licenses!
The woman sighs and points to the wreckage. Look at our cars. Completely destroyed, yet we are must be a sign from God. He's telling us the sexes should be compatible, and live in peace together.
Swayed by this profound sentiment, the man pauses and replies, "Maybe you're could be a sign from God. Then he shakes his head. You're still at fault in this accident! Women shouldn't be allowed to drive!
The woman smiles evenly and says, But look here--another miracle. Although my car was completely destroyed, this bottle of red wine escaped, uninjured. Surely God wants us to drink this wine together, to celebrate our good fortune.
With a generous nod, she hands the bottle to the man. The man shrugs, accepts the wine and drains half of it immediately--in one long, glorious draught. With a dramatic flourish, he passes the bottle back to his new spiritual companion. The woman puts the cap back on and drops it in her handbag, zipping it tightly.
The man glances at her. Aren't you having any?
No…think I'll just wait for the police...

Why are you dancing?

Mark loses an arm in a car accident. He becomes so depressed that he decides to commit s**... by jumping off of a building. As Mark is about to jump, he looks down and sees a man, with both arms amputated, dancing on the street.
Confused, Mark goes down and asks him: "Excuse me, I'm just curious as to why you are dancing with joy when you have lost both of your arms. Whereas, I'm about to kill myself after losing just one?"
The man looks back at Mark and says: "I'm not dancing... I have to scratch my back."

Horrible Accident

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

A young woman's car broke down in the deep South.

She realized that there was no way to get back to the city that night, so she walked over to the nearest farm house and asked the man there if she could stay over for the night.
The farmer scratched his head and said, "Well, I sure don't see no problem with this, just don't bother my two sons Joe Bob and Billy."
The woman assured him that she wouldn't, but that night she snuck into the boys' shared room and said, "Hey boys, want to have some fun?" They, being teenage boys, readily agreed.
The girl first held up two condoms and said, "Now boys, before we get started, you both gotta put on a rubber. I don't want to be getting pregnant, now!" They both complied and the t**... had s**... all night long. The woman left the next day, and they never saw each other again.
Twenty years later, Joe Bob and Billy sat on their rocking chairs on the porch. Joe Bob turned to Billy.
"Yeah Joe Bob?"
"Remember that fine lady that visited us that one time?"
"Sure do."
"Do you care if she gets pregnant?"
"Sure don't."
"Me either. Let's take these danged things off."