Car Salesman Jokes
55 car salesman jokes and hilarious car salesman puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about car salesman that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Car Salesman Short Jokes
Short car salesman jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The car salesman humour may include short car dealer jokes also.
- My first day as a car salesman... Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office? - Bought a Russian car... The salesman said it was the krem de la kremlin, but every time it's putin gear, it keeps stalin. My wife said, "Crimea river, I'm not lenin you my car!"
- Dad is down at the auto dealership, looking at potential choices. Cargo space? he asks.
The salesman, slightly confused, finally replies, Car no do that... car go road. - What's the difference between a car salesman and a technology salesman? The car salesman knows he is lying.
- I was shopping for a car and asked the salesman the sticker price. He said $200. 'Not much for a car,' I said. 'The car's extra' he said.
- I went to buy a new car... The salesman said- Buy it today, and you won't make a payment for six months.
I said- Boy! You really know me! - Ford Ibble A car salesman asked me, "What are you looking for in a car?"
I said, "It has to be affordable"
He said, "I'm sorry sir, I've never heard of a Ford Ibble."
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Car Salesman One Liners
Which car salesman one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with car salesman? I can suggest the ones about car dealership and car sales.
- What does a a cowboy car salesman say *tips hat* Audi
- In what nation does a car salesman live? Incarnation
- Car Salesman: *Slaps sun*
- How do you know a car salesman is lying ? His lips are moving
- How do you greet a German car salesman? AUDI YOU DO
- I told the car salesman my phone kept dying... So he gave me a Charger
Witty Car Salesman Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about car salesman you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean car selling jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make car salesman pranks.
Two hunters shot a deer, and were dragging him to the car by the hind leg, which was difficult because the other legs kept snagging in the brush.
"Chet, I've got an idea, I think we are doing this wrong. Let's try dragging him by the horns, like we were advised by the ammo-store salesman."
"OK," says Ivan.
After a while, Ivan says, "I think this is a lot better because his legs fold up and don't get caught in the brush, but we seem to be getting farther from the car."
One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.
He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour.
The chicken was still keeping up.
After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.
The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane.
He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.
The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.
"That"s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman.
"How do they taste?"
"I don't know," said the farmer.
"We've never caught one."
Four men went golfing together one day...
Three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillac's."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. He is also amazing. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
A Rabbi, a priest, and a holy roller
walk onto a car lot. After much searching, they all find the car of their dreams. Perfect color, size, gas mileage, and price. They tell the salesman what they want, but he informs them that there is only one of these cars on the lot, and they have no idea when they will get another shipment.
The priest has an idea. "We will let God decide! Let us each bless the car, and God will then choose one of us and let us buy it!"
They all agree to this, so the priest starts saying a rosary and waving a cross over the car's hood. The holy roller starts babbling and splashing the windows with holy water. After about 10 minutes of this, the two men were confused; they hadn't seen the Rabbi since they started...
he was behind the car, cutting two inches off the tailpipe.
A snail walks into a car dealership...
and is immediately greeted by a salesman.
"I want your finest car", says the snail.
So the salesman drives up in a brand new, pearl white fully loaded Rolls Royce.
The snail is very excited. "Excellent. Now before I pay for this car, is there something else you can do for me?"
The salesman is about to wet himself from the sweet commission he's about to get. "What do you need?"
The snail replies "I want you to take this black paint, and cover the entire car with hundreds of S's."
The man is flabergasted. "but sir, that would look horrible...why would you want to defile such a beautiful and expensive car?"
The snail responded proudly, "When I'm driving down the street, I want people to stop, point at my car and say 'wow...look at that S car go!'"
The best salesman in the world
The boy went into the mall to get a job. He told the management that he was the world's best salesman. They gave him a job as a seller, but expected profits from day one.
On Saturday evening the manager came down and asked how many customers he had served today. The boy said he had helped one customer. The director was disappointed with the boy and said he already had sellers today who had done much better than him. The manager asked the boy how much the sale was worth, and the boy answered "$93,100.25". The manager was very confused and asked the boy what he had sold.
The boy: "I started off with a $0.25 fish hook which got him looking at the fishing poles. I set him up with the $100 bait master and asked him where he was gonna fish, I told him about that great lake down south but told him he'd need a car with all wheel drive to make it up the rough terrain so we got him into the $33,000 SUV we had on the lot, when he asked about boat rentals I thought I had lost him, but I ended up selling him the $60,000 riverking pro to top it off."
The manager steps back in disbelief and says "Wow, you sold that all to a guy who came in for a fish hook?
"No" the boy said "The customer came in and told he had to buy tampons for his wife. I simply told him the weekend was already wrecked so he might as well go on a fishing trip"
Mr Snail was always being teased by the insects
for being so slow. Eventually, he just couldn't take it anymore and went to the nearest car dealership.
"I want the fastest sports car you have," he told the salesman, "and make sure to paint a huge 'S' on it, so everyone will know its Mr Snail's car!"
So now, every time Mr Snail drives past the insects, speeding like a maniac, all the insects look and say: "Wow, look at that 'S' car go!"
Four guys were golfing when one gets a phone call and walks away
The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons have been. The first guy explains how his son started as an entry level stock broker, but now owns his own wealth management firm. The last time he got a friend a gift, he gave him a half-million dollar investment portfolio. The second guy then brags about his son. My son is so successful, he started out as a used car salesman but now owns his own dealership. He recently gave a friend a brand new Bentley as a birthday gift. The third guy, not to be outdone, says that his son started as a carpenter but now owns a construction company. The last gift he gave a friend was a brand new house. At this point, the fourth guy returns from his call. The other gentleman ask about his son, to which he replies "Well, I'm not too pleased with my son right now. He has been unemployed for the last year and a half, and he recently told me he is gay." As the other men look at him in horror, he continues "But he must be really good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends gave him a huge stock portfolio, and new luxury car, and a brand new house."
Incognito
Two salesmen are traveling in the country when their car breaks down. The only house around for miles was a large mansion. They knock on the door and a beautiful widow answers the door. Since it is early evening and the garage will not be opened until morning, she offers to let them spend the night in the guest bedrooms.
In the morning they call the tow truck and leave.
About three months later salesman number one opens a letter and can't believe what he reads. He goes to salesman number two and says:
"When we spent the night at the widow's mansion, did you sneak away into her bedroom in the middle of the night?"
"Why, yes I did."
"And did you use my name?"
"Why, yes how did you know?"
"Well, it seems she died and left me her 5 million dollar estate!"
A rather long winded joke, read all of it to get the punchline...
Right, so there was this guy that lost his eye in a car accident, and after losing it he hadn't been out of his house much, aside from having to go shopping, because he was so embarrassed. One day his friends come over to his house, and they say "look man, you've got to come to the dance next week, it'll be fun, and you haven't done anything in ages." The man stubbornly refuses, until his friends stop pestering him about it, but the next day, they come back, and say "well, we've got a bit if a surprise for you... We've put together enough money to buy you a fake eye." The man says "that's great! thanks so much!" His friends then say, "but, you have to promise to come to the dance once you've got one. The man thinks it over, he's still a bit embarrassed, but eventually agree. So the man and his friends drive to the eye store and walk up to the man at the counter. "Hello," says one of the eyeless mans friends, "we're here to buy a fake eye for our friend here, do you have any in stock?" The nan at the counter says "we certainly do, and walks into the back of the shop, returning later with a box of beautiful glass eyes. "These a very good quality eyes," the man said "they're hand painted, and we have a match for pretty much any eye colour. "Great!" Says one of the mans friends, "how much do they cost?" "Well" says the man at the counter, "these are very good quality, so you're looking at around $1500 to $2000" "well" says the mans friend, "we don't really have that much to spend... Do you have any others?" "Certainly," says the man at the counter who puts the lid back on the glass eyes, walks into the back of the shop, coming back with a box full of plastic eyes. "These ones are also hand painted, but they aren't as well-painted as the glass eyes, and they aren't quite as matching, but they are still rather indistinguishable from normal eyes. "Right," say the mans friends, "how much do they cost?" "Um... These," says the salesman "will cost around $900" "sorry," says the man to his friend, "but we don't have quite enough for those, either. Do you have any more?" He says, turning back to the man at the counter. "We do have some wood eyes, says the man at the counter," he then produces a box from under the counter. "These wood eyes aren't hand painted, and won't be able to get a really good colour match, but we can find a passable colour, I'm sure." Says the man at the counter, " and they'll only cost about $120" "right" says the eyeless mans friend, "we'll take this one then." He takes a dark green eye from the box, and gives it to his friend, handing the man at the counter the money. The friends drive home, trying to cheer the eyeless man up, as they eye isn't entirely convincing. "It's okay," says the eyeless mans friend it'll be fine, it won't even be that light at the dance, and your eye won't show." So the man reluctantly goes to the dance the next week. Once arriving at the dance, the man sits alone in a corner until everyone else has a dance partner. The mans three friends come over to him, and encourage him to get a partner, "how about her over there?" The mans friend points to a woman sitting alone in a corner on the other side of the room. "Come on," prompts his friend "you can't have come all this way for nothing." "Alright," says the man, "I'll ask her to dance. As he walks over he realises the lady has a bit of a hunch back, and starts having second thoughts. "I'm no better" says the man to himself, and someone's up his courage and asks her to dance. "Would you like to have an dance" asks the man. "Would I!? Would I!?" Asks the woman. "Hunch back! Hunch back! Yells the man and runs back to the corner.
A man goes to buy his wife a car...
The salesman ask him "why don't you buy her a Kaiser and surprise her?"
The man rejects the idea, so the salesman says "why don't you buy her a Fraiser and amaze her?"
The man thinks for a second, and says "nah, I'll just buy her a Tucker."
A snail walks into a car dealership...
And he asks the salesman about car customization. He shows the salesman a car that he's thinking about buying, but there's something he wants to change about it. The salesman asks him what it is, and the snail tells him he wants the letter 'S' painted on the doors, roof, and windows, as large as possible. The salesman wonders why, and the snail responds:
"Because when I drive down the street, I want to hear people say 'hey, look at that S-car-go!'"
A religious man goes to buy a car.
When he enters the shop he is greeted by the salesman.After a short conversation, the salesman finds out of the man's devoutness and makes him a special offer.
"We have just acquired a new line of cars engineered to fit and amuse our religious costumers."
He walks him to the car and explains its modifications.
"Another one, is that in order to start it you have to say 'Thank God', and to stop 'For heaven sake' ."
The man likes the car and accepts the offer.On the way home he gets cut by a passing car and goes off course.When he sees that he's headed towards the end a cliff, he starts to push the brake pedal but nothing happens.He then remembers that the car is activated solely by speech, but due to his panicking fails to recall the key phrases.So he starts praying:
"Oh God please help me, for heaven sake!"
The car stops at the last second with its front hanging out of the cliff.Shocked and frightened, the man sighs with relief and says "Oh, Thank God! "
A very rich snail slimed into a Cadillac dealership...
...and said,"I want your most expensive car."
The salesman said,"Very well sir. Is that all?"
The snail said,"No. I'd like it to have a custom paint job." The salesman said,"Yes sir. What do you want the car to look like?"
The snail said,"I'd like every door painted
with a large letter S." The salesman said,"May I ask why,for reasons of curiosity?"
The snail said,"Because when I drive down the street,I want every single head to turn,and for them to all say: 'Look at that
S car go!'"
Some groomers for your friday the 13th
A snail goes to a dealership and finds an expensive sports car. The salesman says "What would it take to get you in this car?" The snail replies "Paint a big 'S' on the side." The salesman asks "Why an 'S'?" The snail replies "So when I drive around people can say: Watch that 'S' car go!"
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Why was the mushroom invited to all the parties? Because he was a fun-guy!
The Snail Salesman
The traveling snail salesman delivered snails to restaurants in his station wagon. After travelling and working for half the day, he stopped at a gas station for a cup of coffee. When he came out he found his car was no longer there. The snail salesman cried out "Where did my escargot cargo car go?!"
My dad was negotiating with a car salesman who was also a patient of his
They're sitting at the salesman's desk negotiating the price on a car, when my dad looks at him and says, "You know, if you get me the right price, my finger can be a lot smaller when your next appointment comes around".
There were three old men playing golf...
and they each decided to start bragging about their adult sons.
The first man says: "I'm so proud of my son, he is a very successful car salesman that owns his own lot, and gave one of his friends a brand new Porsche."
The second man says: "That's impressive, but my son is a successful real estate owner, and gave one of his friends a house on a private beach."
The third man sighs, and says to the other two: "Wow that's very impressive. I hate to say it, but at first I was very disappointed with my son because he came out as gay. Recently, he has made some very good boyfriends though: one gave him a brand new Porsche, and the other gave him a house with a private beach!"
A man goes to a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie doll for her birthday.
The salesman says, "We have Barbie Goes To the Dance for $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99, and Divorced Barbie at $499.99."
The father asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $499.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???"
"Well, sir," says the salesman, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's money, Ken's furniture ..."
A car salesman is showing some fine cars for sale...
A car salesman is showing some fine cars for sale, and the buyer is looking at them.
"Well, this one is a fine 1951 Hudson Hornet," says the car salesman.
The buyer gasps, "A Hudson HORNET? Well, I wouldn't want to see a Hudson Wasp!"
The salesman brushes it off and shows him the next car, "this is a Porsche Spyder."
Again, the buyer is aghast, "what is with car companies naming them after insects?! What's next, a Volkswagen Beetle?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a p**... have in common with a used car salesman?
They both tricked me out of money with a passable t**....
Hit a rooster
A traveling salesman was driving through farm country. He took his eye off the road for a second, then all of a sudden "WHAM!" -- he ran over a rooster crossing the road.
He stopped the car, got out, confirmed the rooster was dead, and saw a nearby farmhouse. He drove up to the house, knocked on the door, and an old farmer answered. The salesman said, "I was driving past and I think I accidentally ran over your rooster. I'm terribly sorry, but I'm more than willing to replace him."
The farmer looked puzzled for a minute, and finally shrugged his shoulders and said "Suit yourself. The hens are around the back."
A traveling salesman was driving in the country when his car broke down.
He hiked several miles to a farmhouse, and asked the farmer if there was a place he could stay overnight.
Sure, said the farmer, my wife died several years ago, and my two daughters are twenty-one and twenty-three, but they're off to college, and I'm all by myself, so I have lots of room to put you up.
Hearing this, the salesman turned around and started walking back toward the highway.
The farmer called after him, Didn't you hear what I said? I have lots of room.
I heard you, said the salesman, but I think I'm in the wrong joke.
A snail walks into a car dealership
It takes a look at the new sportscar. The salesman says the snail would look pretty cool in the new sportscar and the snail agrees.
Salesman asked the snail about option packages, rustproofing...you know the deal. The snail says no to everything offered, but says he wants one thing done to the car...to have 'S' painted all over the car. Salesman, confused, asks why would you want 'S' painted all over your brand new sportscar??? Snail replies "So when I drive by, everybody will say look at that 'S' car go...."
Snails.
A snail walks into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he's looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car, and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed. He slaps the roof of one, and says this is the last one that's built for speed . The snail says, This is perfect, but there's one thing I want you to do first. The car salesman was confused. What? The snail said, I want you to paint a big red S on it. The car salesman was even more confused. Why? Chuckling, the snail said, So when people see me driving, they would say 'look at that S car go!'
Arrested at the airport
I'm a car salesman going to New York for the unveiling of the new Porsche 911 model
When i landed in New York the TSA asked me are you here for business or pleasure
I responded I'm here for the new 911
A Venezuelan man goes to buy a car.
The car salesman says, you can pick it up in four years time.
The man asks, in the morning or the afternoon?
Salesman: does it matter?
Man: well the plumber is coming in the afternoon...
A snail walks into a car dealership...
A snail walks into a car dealership. The snail wants something fast, elegant, and luxurious, after browsing multiple brands he decides on one.
The rich snail pays in cash and walks up to the dealerships salesman and says "I want you to paint big S's all along this car, big S's on the front, the sides, the back, the top, big S's everywhere. The auto body guy tells him he can do it, but can't help but ask the snail why he wants big S's all over the car.
So the snail answers him "It's simple: When I launch past people on the highway they will say Look at that S car go!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to a car dealership with my wife
We were intending to swap our old Ford to a newer one. The salesman sees us climb out of our car, comes up and says: "Is that an e**...?"
Me: "No this is my wife"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
me: will this car fit 5 people?
**salesman:** yeah, without any problems.
**me:** d**...! my homies have lots of those
Homemade and 100% organic
Since it's my cake day, I'll give y'all a joke that I created by myself. One that tickles me.
Two car salesman were talking to each other about their sales. They were really impressed with the commissions they were making with electric cars. Then, one of them asked, "Why doesn't Dodge sell any electric vehicles?". The other salesman said, "That would be dumb. If they sold electric vehicles, they would have to give away a free Dodge Charger with each purchase!"
I was in a car dealership.
"Can I take this one for a test drive?" I asked the salesman.
He said, "Sure, I'll come with you."
Ten minutes later I pulled up outside my university and said, "Thanks, buddy. I think I've made it in time for my exam."
The wife and I were at the car dealership the other day...
I told the salesman that we were looking for a Subaru Outback then he hit me with a
*"What's wrong with the ones Outfront?"*
At that point I was prepared to offer him full sticker price for whatever because anything less would've been a disservice.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A travelling salesman
A travelling salesman's car has broken down. It's late at night, so he walks to the closest farmhouse and asks to stay there for the night.
\- You can spend the night, but you'll have to share the room with my 17-year-old son, says the farmer.
\- F#c**.... I'm in a wrong joke.
A farmer complained to me men of his profession had a tough time attracting women.
My buddy's a car showroom salesman and he says him and his work buddies can't keep them away! I just don't get it.
That's life, I said, fact is, a lot of women simply prefer showers over growers.
So a snail walks into a dealership
and purchases a car, proceeds to ask the salesman to put eggs on the front, eggs on the roof, and eggs on the trunk.
Bewildered the salesman ask, excuse but why would you want to put eggs all over your car.
Snail replies, because when I drive down the road very fast I want people to say,
Hey look at that eggs car go
