Car Lot Jokes

I recently went to my new doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
I was a bit worried what he meant by that, so I asked him, "Do you think I'll live to be eighty, Doc?"
He looked at me and asked me, "Do you smoke or drink beer or wine?"
I said, "No, nothing like that. And I don't do drugs either."
He looked at me again and asked me, "Okay, do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my old doctor told me that all red meat is very unhealthy."
He looked at me again and asked me, "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
I replied, "No, nothing like that."
He looked at me again and asked me, "And do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of s**...?"
I said, "No, nothing like that, Doc."
He looked at me again and said, "Then why do you even care?"

Men's Helpline

Men's Helpline
"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her p**... out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

The pope was visiting New York

His visit in the states had lasted for days and he had become tired of being chauffeured around from one event to another the whole time.
"Tell you what. I really miss driving" he said to his driver and they agreed to swap seats so the pope would drive and the driver would sit in the back.
The pope had not driven a car for ages and the limousine had a powerful engine so he raced through the streets of New York running red lights and breaking the speed limit. This had to draw a lot of attention and soon he was pulled over by a traffic cop.
As the pope rolled down the window the cop could see that this was not an ordinary speeding case. He went back to his car to call his superiors on the radio.
"I've pulled someone over and I'm not sure what to do. I can tell it's a VIP but I'm not sure who it is"
"A VIP? Don't tell me it's the police commissioner again!"
"No. It's not him. It's someone more important."
"More important? Is it the mayor?"
"No. It's not him either. It's someone more important than the mayor"
"More important than the mayor? Are you telling me you've pulled over the president?"
"No. Not the president either. I's someone more important"
"More important? Who can be more important than the president?"
"I don't know! I just know he's so important that he's got the pope as his driver!"

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist...

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent e**.... It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.

Wild little old ladies.

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds..
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here
we'd get s**... ....so we're just waiting.

An Irishman has a drinking problem...

..that causes him to almost never arrive to work on time. His boss, frustrated by the man's lack of punctuality, warns him that if he is late to work one more day, he'll be fired.
The next day, the man makes sure to arrive to work on time, but is surprised to find that he can't find a space to park his car in. After ten minutes of circling the parking lot, and his job nearing termination, the man desperately looks up and says, "Oh, Jesus, I promise, if you give me a spot and I get to work on time, I'll give up drinking forever."
Lo and behold, he turns the next corner to find a parking space right in front of him, and the man quickly looks up and says, "Nevermind! I found one."

My therapist told me a joke about two southern bells.

So two southern bells grow up in a small town in the south and when they finish high school, one moves up to the north for school and the other stays in the town and marries her high school sweet heart.
Years later, the first one comes back to town to visit her friend who happens to be quite the big shot now. The two meet at the train station and the rich woman says:
"Deeear, do you see that Cadillac?"
"Oh yes I do, it is a nice car."
"My husband bought me that car after the successful birth of our first male-born-son."
"How nice."
The two then go to the town square where they see a big statue.
"Deeear, do you see that statue?"
"Why yes, it looks an awful lot like yourself."
"Yes, my husband bought me that statue after the successful birth of our second male-born-son."
"How nice."
Finally, they arrive at the rich woman's house and see that it is a giant mansion with gardeners and everything.
"Deeear, do you see that mansion?"
"Why yes, it is very extravagant!"
"My husband bought me this mansion after the successful birth of our third male-born-son."
"How nice."
"Well what has your husband bought for you?"
"He put me through finishing school."
"Oh my, finishing school? Well what did you learn there?"
"I learned to say 'how nice' when I really mean '*f**... you*'."

three men were on a road trip when their car broke down

they walked a mile and found a farm and decided to ask the old farmer if they could c**.... the farmer was a kind man and decided to let the men stay, as long as they didn't touch the three hot daughters. later that night none of the men could help themselves and decided to go for it, thinking that the old farmer wouldn't catch them.

the next morning, the farmer lined up the three men and said "I know you three have slept with my daughters! as punishment, you will each tell me what your job is and I will m**... you according to your profession"
the first man, not being very smart, said "I'm a fire fighter" so the farmer burned the first man.
the second man, a little smarter, said "I'm a police officer" so the farmer went in his tool shed and came out with a beating stick and beat the man to death.
the third man was a lot a lot smarter than the other two and said "I'm a professional lollipop l**..."

Did you guys read the article in the paper about what's been happening at the local supermarket?...

Well, in order to cut costs a week or so ago they bought about ten shiny new robots to go around and collect the shopping carts and trash the customers leave behind in the parking lots, basically replacing some of the jobs human employees get paid to do. The article goes on to talk about how, after a few days, the supermarket owner noticed a lot car accidents occuring in the parking lot which he finally learned was caused by glare from the robots. To solve this issue he decided to paint all of the robots black. The next morning none of the robots showed up for work.

A blonde in a snowstorm

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

Useless in the Parking Lot

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.
When returning to her car she found that she had locked herkeys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.
She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.
Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God!
"You even sent me a Professional!"

Russian Yeltsin Joke

Here's one of those great old stale Russian jokes. Quick context; Yeltsin presided over the gutting and corruption of a lot of Russian government companies.
A man drives up to the Kremlin and parks his car outside. As he is getting out a policemen hurriedly flusters over and says "You can't park there! That's right under Yeltsin's window!"
The man looks perplexed for a second but then smiles and calmly replies:
"No need to worry officer, I made sure to lock the car"
I got it from a good book called Oilopoly, about Russia's oil and such things.

George Washington and two other people go to Heaven...

Mahatma Gandhi and two other people die and go to heaven. However, they're really far from the gates and must get there somehow. Someone comes up to them and says,
"I can get you a car to reach the gates. The car'll depend on how many kids you had when you were alive."
The first person says he had 2 children. The person replies,
"Well, that's not too many."
And whips up a sports car for him to drive to the Gates.
The second person says that he had 5 children.
"That's a lot!"
And whips him up a broken down Ford Model T.
George Washington had to get to the Gates by foot. The two other people were waiting for him there. When they asked why he had to do that, since he didn't have any children when he was alive:
"Some idiot told him I'm the father of my country!"
Oh, and thanks /u/reg8382748 for pointing it out, PRETEND GEORGE WASHINGTON KNOWS WHAT THE FRICK A CAR IS.

One of my grandpa's best Jokes

A young boy is on vacation in the Sahara desert with his family.
As they are gazing out across the sand, they notice a man walking around... carrying a car door.
"Hey! Why are you carrying that car door around in the desert?" asked the young boy.
The man looked over the family, wiped the sweat off his brow, and said;
"Well, when it gets hot I can put the window down."
...
My grandpa tells a lot of jokes like this, I will try to remember all of them and submit them here. He is 89 years old and still hand-turns the soil in his garden each year, he also built a large wooden trellis for his tomato plants. His jokes are starting to "grow whiskers" as my grandma says.

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver, extremely furious, made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Men's Help Line

MEN"S HELP LINE, "Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"

Caller: "Hi, Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her p**... out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

Gay guys know everything...

A gay guy and a straight guy are in a car and stuck at a stoplight for a very long time. The gay guy looks at the straight guy and says
"I'm going to go, it's going to turn green anyways."
the gay guy goes and it turns green. The straight guy says,
"how'd you do that."
"Gay guys know everything." said the gay guy.
Then the two go to the mall and while they're in the parking lot the gay guy stops the straight guy and says.
"I bet you in about 4 seconds 5 hot girls come around that corner over there."
About 4 seconds later 5 hot girls walk around the corner. The straight guy says,
"how'd you do that?"
the gay guy says yet again.
"Gay guys know everything."
*At this point in the joke you say to the person "Then the two guys go up these things that are a lot like stairs but they move?" Struggle to think about what they are called and hopefully the person you're telling the joke to says "escalator." Then you say*
"Gay guys know everything..."

A genie gives a man three wishes...

One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.
Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."
So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lamborghini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house.
Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

There were three old men playing golf...

and they each decided to start bragging about their adult sons.
The first man says: "I'm so proud of my son, he is a very successful car salesman that owns his own lot, and gave one of his friends a brand new Porsche."
The second man says: "That's impressive, but my son is a successful real estate owner, and gave one of his friends a house on a private beach."
The third man sighs, and says to the other two: "Wow that's very impressive. I hate to say it, but at first I was very disappointed with my son because he came out as gay. Recently, he has made some very good boyfriends though: one gave him a brand new Porsche, and the other gave him a house with a private beach!"

The blonde girl panicked when she got stuck inside her car as her doors wouldn't open.

She quickly dialed 911 and cried, "I'm in the Orlando Mall parking lot, my doors won't open and its getting to be a hot day!"
The dispatcher sent a squad car and soon the police were searching about the parking lot looking for her car.
The operator asked, "The officer wants to know what kind of car you are stuck in."
The blonde replied, "It's a convertible."
The operator said, "I'd imagine there are many convertibles in that lot, which one are you?"
Exasperated, the blonde shouted, "The one with the top down!"