Car Keys Jokes
137 car keys jokes and hilarious car keys puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about car keys that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Car Keys Short Jokes
Short car keys jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The car keys humour may include short car key jokes also.
- I accidentally locked my key in my car in front of an abortion clinic... They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.
- I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic They get really angry if you go in and ask for a coat hanger
- What is the worst part about locking your keys inside your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and asking for a coat hanger.
- What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of a Planned Parenthood? Going inside to ask for a coat hanger.
- What's worse than locking your keys in your car at the abortion clinic? When you have to go back in and ask for a coat hanger.
- What do locking your keys in the car and getting your girlfriend pregnant have in common? Both are easily fixed with a coat hanger.
- What's the worst thing about accidentally locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go in and ask for a coat hanger.
- I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.
- I made a car entirely out of pencils, rubbers, rulers and notebooks. Went to turn the key.. Stayed stationary.
- Why couldn't Elon Musk enter his house? Because his door was locked and he left the keys in his car.
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Car Keys One Liners
Which car keys one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with car keys? I can suggest the ones about lost keys and piano keys.
- Someone keyed the music teacher's car Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor
- One time I got so high, I was driving around looking for my car keys.
- What did the car say to the car keys? You turn me on.
- Why are pianists so punctual? They can't lock their keys in their car.
- Some guy keyed my car Now his keys have decreased in value
- I'll never cheat on another test... It keyed my car and told the cops I beat it up
- Last Father's Day my son gave me something I always wanted: the keys to my car.
- Why couldn't the car key get a date? Because everyone thought he was a little door key
- Some guy keyed my car I wonder how much they've depreciated in value
- What kind of pants do Bostonians wear? Car Keys
- What do you do when you see someone trying to steal your wife's car? Give him the key.
- Why did the key-chain get sassy? Because it got car-key.
- Some a**... just keyed my brand new car! Thankfully, the damage seems to B minor
- It's so freaking COLD outside I just keyed someones car with my n**... by accident!
Lost Car Keys Jokes
Here is a list of funny lost car keys jokes and even better lost car keys puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Son: Dad is something lost when you know where it is? Dad: No, son
Son:Good, your car keys are at the bottom of the well - A Bostonian and a Californian walk into a bar. "I lost my car keys!", the Bostonian realized, exasperated.
The Californian replied, "What are you talking about? You're wearing them!"
Car Keys Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about car keys you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lost key jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make car keys pranks.
A blonde and a brunette walk inside the mall.
A few hours later, they come out and go to their car. They realize they left their keys in the car, so they are stuck. Soon after, the blonde says, "Oh no! It's about to rain and we left the top down to our car!"
How to be Insulting in Banks: Try to use one of the automatic cash dispensers, but use it incorrectly. If it's inside the bank, do this until someone is sent to help you out, or until you're asked to leave. If it's outside the bank, kick the machine and try to open it with your car keys, a penknife or your umbrella.
Bob, Rob, and Robert live on the six hundredth floor of an apartment building.
One day, the elevators are broken, so they have to take the stairs. To entertain themselves, they decide that for the first 200 floors, Bob will tell happy stories, for the middle 200 floors, Rob will tell funny stories, and for the last 200 floors, Robert will tell sad stories. On the 401st floor, Robert says, "Here's my sad story: I left our apartment's keys in the car."
Two blondes lock their keys in the car.
One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.
Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!"
The other blond replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down".
There are three blonds that went to the store.
After they get done in the store one of the blondes realizes that she locked her keys in her car.
The first blond tried using a screwdriver to unlock the door.
The second blond tried using a hanger.
The third blond tried using pen.
While they are trying to unlock the door the second blond says "We better hurry up guys its about to rain and the tops down!"
2 blondes in the rain...
2 blondes are leaving a bar when it starts pooring down rain. The first blonde realizes that she left the keys in the car and tries picking the lock. After a couple minutes of trying to open the door, the second blonde freaks out and says, "Hurry up! It's raining cats and dogs and the convertable top is down!"
Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......
.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.
A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. He gets in, starts the car, and drives off.
Needless to say, the cops follow him: for several miles. The man's driving was flawless, perfect and in accordance with all traffic laws.
Finally, they decide to pull him over anyway. They turn on their lights. He pulls over instantly. They ask him to step out of the car; he calmly complies. They check his license; it is valid, and clean. They give him several field sobriety tests, each harder than the last. He passes all with flying colors.
The two cops look at each other, then the man, and ask "Sir, you aren't drunk, are you?"
"No, I'm not," says the man.
"Then why were you acting drunk when you left the bar?"
"I'm tonight's DD."
"Designated Driver?"
"No, I'm the Designated Decoy. All of my drunk friends drove off the other way."
You aren't a monk.
A man is driving through a town and his car breaks down in front of a monastery. He decides to go up to the door and ask if he can stay the night and the monks let him. At night he is laying in his bed and he hears this extremely strange noise. In the morning he asks a monk what the strange noise was. The monk replied, "I can't tell you because you aren't a monk." The man accepted this fact, graciously thanked the monks for letting him stay, and went on his way. Three years later the man was driving through the same town and broke down in front of the same monastery. Again he asks the monks if he could stay the night, and they let him. And again at night he hears the strange noise. In the morning he asks and gets the same answer. Then he asks how he can become a monk. They reply, "Go count every blade of grass and every pebble in the world." The man comes back 43 years later and gives them accurate numbers. They let him become a monk and the first thing he does is ask to see what the noise was. They take him to a wooden door. He reaches for the handle and its locked. They give him a key, then he happens upon a stone door. Locked. He goes through every kind of door you could possibly think of as they give him keys for each. Then he gets to a diamond door and they give him a key and he unlocks it. Then he opens it and is completely amazed. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Imagine if you locked your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic
talk about convenient. You could just go inside and get a coat hanger to pick the lock.
What a dumb blonde... wait...
*Blonde goes into a bank
Blonde: I need a loan for $5,000.
Bank-teller: We'll need some sort of deposit.
Blonde: Ok, here's the keys to my car (Mercedes-Benz S600)
*Blonde leaves
Bank-teller(laughing): She's so s**...! Leaving a $100,000 car as a deposit for a $5,000 loan.
*Bank-teller parks car in secret underground parking garage. Then he does research on the blonde and finds out she's a multimillionaire.
Bank-teller: She's an idiot! Why would she borrow $5,000 if she's a multimillionaire?
*Two weeks later
*Blonde comes back and pays bank-teller $5,000 with $15.41 interest
Bank-teller: Why would you borrow $5,000 and leave an expensive car here if you're a multimillionaire?
Blonde: Where else in New York City can you park a $100,000 car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it not to get stolen?
*
A Blond walks into a gas station...
and asks the employee: "I locked my keys in the car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"
Ten minutes later a trucker comes in and can't stop laughing. So the employee asks him why he is laughing. The trucker says: "There is a Blond who tries to open her car with a coat hanger!" The employee: "So what? This could happen to anyone." Trucker: "Sure, but usually there isn't another Blond in the car who yells: a little more right / a little more left! "
Borrowed Car
One day Phil had to borrow a car, so he asked his friend Bob. Bob said that it was fine, so he gave Phil the keys and told him to return them by the end of the day. A week later, Phil hadn't returned the car. Bob called Phil angrily and asked why he hadn't given it back yet. Phil replied, "I drove by your house a bunch of times, but I didn't see your car in the driveway, so I thought you weren't home!"
A trucker and a blonde.
A trucker is driving down a busy highway when he is abruptly cut off by a blonde woman in her car. Tired and grumpy from driving all day, he quickly pulls along side of the woman's car and forces her to stop on the shoulder of the highway. The trucker and the woman get out of their vehicles. The trucker takes a rock and draws a circle around the blonde.
"Don't you dare set foot outside this circle," the trucker orders.
He walks over to the blondes car and keys the side of it. When he returns, the woman is standing in her circle giggling. This angers the trucker even more. He proceeds to grab a bat out of his semi and smash the mirrors off the woman's car. When the trucker returns to the woman, she is still standing in her circle laughing. Enraged, the trucker takes a gas tank out of his semi, douses the woman's car in gas, and sets it on fire. The woman bursts into hysteria.
"I just totaled your car!! What is so funny?!" The trucker shouts.
The blonde replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
A drunk is walking around downtown...
When he walks up to a cop to complain that his car has been stolen.
The cop asks, "Well, where was the last place you saw it?"
The drunk says, "It was right here at the end of this key."
The cop says, "Well, I suggest you go over to the station house and fill out a report."
The drunk starts to walk away when the cop says, "Hey, before you go, you might want to zip your fly."
The drunk looks down and says, "Aw, man, they got my girl, too."
A drunk walks up to a cop...
Drunk: "Man, somebody stole my car..."
Cop: "Where was your car when it got stolen?"
Drunk: "Right here on the end of this key."
Cop: "Well maybe you should go down to the precinct, and they'll fill out all the proper paper work. But before you go, you might want to zip up your fly."
The drunk looks down and replies: "Man, they got my girl too..."
the most awkward time in my life
Was when I locked my keys in my car and had to walk into the nearby abortion clinic to ask to borrow a coat hanger.
Useless in the Parking Lot
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.
When returning to her car she found that she had locked herkeys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.
She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.
Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God!
"You even sent me a Professional!"
The locked car...
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" His reply: "I know. I already got that side."
Locked my keys inside my car outside a abortion clinic
Found out I was too far along for an abortion, to make matters worse I locked my keys inside my car. I got the death look when I went back inside to ask if they had a coat hanger I could barrow.
Did you hear about the time the bassist locked his keys in his car?
It took like two hours to get the drummer out.
A blonde woman locks her keys inside her car...
And so she calls a locksmith to open it. When the locksmith (who is also blonde) gets there she pulls out her Slim Jim tool to open the door when she notices a problem, the driver side window to the car is wide open.
The locksmith looks to the driver and says, "Ma'am I can't use this tool on a door when the window is open, you're going to have to close it first."
LPT: If you c**... into a parked car and don't have a paper and pen..
simply use a key to scratch your insurance details on to the bonnet.
Signs a Woman Likes You:
1. Eye contact
2. Twirls her hair
3. Laughs at your jokes
4. Follows you
5. Keys your car
6. Kills you
It's so cold outside...
I brushed against a car in the parking lot and accidently keyed it with my n**....
You've Been Programming Too Long When...
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.
Townes Van Zandt joke
A police officer stops a drunk man on the street.
Officer: How are you doing this evening, sir?
Drunk: Officer, I think somebody stole my car.
Officer: Where did you last see it?
Drunk: Right at the end of this key.
Officer: Alright, buddy, why don't you just call a cab. And zip up your fly while you're at it.
Drunk: Ah, man, they got my girl too!
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.
They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out.
They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question.
We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire.
Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies,
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and
expect it to be there when I return?"
What's the best part about locking your keys in the car at an abortion clinic?
Plenty of coat hangers.
75 story hotel
Phil, Jim, and John were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a . After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear the elevators were broken, and they now had to climb 75 flights of stairs.
Phil said to Jim and John,"let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something more interesting. Hmm, I'll tell jokes the first 25 floors, Jim, you can sing songs the next 25 floors and John you can say your collection of sad stories."
The others agreed and they started the climb for their hotel room. At the 26th floor Phil stopped with his jokes and Jim started his songs. At the 51st floor songs stopped and John's sad stories started.
"I guess I'll begin with my saddest story first. I forgot the room key in the car."
(EDIT) FIXED THE GRAMMAR d**...
My wife says w**... is causing me to be forgetful
Sure, I can't find my car keys today, but I haven't missed a smoke break in nine years!
what is worse than locking your keys in your car parked at planned parent hood?
going inside to borrow a coat hanger
OJ's son must have been the m**.......
... because when he went to OJ that night to borrow his car keys, OJ said, "..go aXe your mother"
story of Robert who live with 2 friends in floor no 600
Bob, Rob, and Robert live on the six hundredth floor of an apartment building. One day, the elevators are broken, so they have to take the stairs. To entertain themselves, they decide that for the first 200 floors, Bob will tell happy stories, for the middle 200 floors, Rob will tell funny stories, and for the last 200 floors, Robert will tell sad stories. On the 401st floor, Robert says, "Here's my sad story: I left our apartment's keys in the car."
Got all the way to the car and realized I left my keys back at the office
The two things I hate most in life: 1. ISIS and 2. Accidental exercise
Somebody keyed my car..
They wrote "Cheater" and "pig" everywhere. I asked my girlfriend if she did it, and she said no. I don't know why anyone would write such a thing. I'll ask my wife when I get home tonight.
Locking your keys in the car is a lot like getting your girlfriend pregnant.
A coat hanger should take care of the problem.
Why did the blonde keep coat hangers under her seat?
In case she locks her keys in her car.
If there's one good thing about the election of Trump, it's the greatly lowered odds of being attacked by Russia.
After all, they're not going to key their own car.
A Russian alcoholic loses the key to car...
His wife wakes him from his drunken slumber.
"Where are the keys to the car!?" she demands.
"v**...? Whiskey?" he replies.
(read with Russian accent)
If I locked my keys in my car outside of a abortion clinic...
Would it be awkward to go inside and ask for a wire hanger?
A group of friends all live on the 200th floor of a building
One day they all come back from a trip and find out that the elevator to their floor has shut down and is under repair, so they're forced to take the long walk up the stairs.
To make the walk up a little more exciting, they decide to each tell a sad, terrifying, or depressing story every 20 floors. When they finally get to the top, the tenth friend gets to tell his story.
"I think I left the keys in the car."
A drummer locked his keys inside his car
He had to call in AAA to get the bass player out.
While I was waiting on a table a family left their keys behind after they left.
I assumed the keys were a tip. You should have seen their faces when I drove off in their car.
i**... and Mikey
There was a father and two sons. The sons were called i**... and Mikey.
They stayed in their apartment while their dad went to the store. Unfortunately, their dad forgot the keys to his car. He shouted to i**..., "Throw my key out of the window!"
And then i**... threw his brother out of the window.
Did you hear about the reformed serial killer that murdered prostitutes by stabbing them with car keys?
He did the h**... key pokey then he turned himself around.
Don't you love having your gym pass on your keys? It's so convenient!
Every time they fall under my car seat, the pass makes it so easy to pick up!
So this drunk guy stumbles up to a cop...
And says, excuse me officer I lost my car and the officer says, well where did you see it last?
Guy: it was right here on the end of my key
Officer: Alright well head down to the station and they'll set you up with the proper paperwork, but before you go, you might want to zip up your fly
The man looks down and says, Awww man they got my girl too!
I think my friend from Boston is going insane..
He keeps pointing at my car-keys and calls them c**.....
A father has two sons named Joe and Mikey and the live on the third floor of their apartment.
One day the father goes to store, but leaves the key to his car in the apartment. He see's Joe in the window and shouts to him, "throw my key out the window!"
Sadly, Mikey didn't survive the fall
A drunk is leaving a bar and heads to his car...
A police officer notices the drunk fumbling with the keys and knowing the iminent danger, says to the man, "where do you think you're going like this? You can barely walk!" The man then replies, "I know, that's why I'm driving!"
phsyically implausible excuses
i cant make it today i drove over my car keys
sorry i was late when i was walking over i tripped fell and accidently hung myself
A blonde walked into a gas station...
A blonde walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door."
"Why, sure," said the manager, "We have something that works especially for that."
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. He heard another voice. "No, no, a little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.
I caught someone keying my mother-in-law's car, so I walked over to him.
I said, "Try mine, yours are looking a little blunt."
A drunk guy walks out of a bar..
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging Out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his c**... and without Missing a beat, blurts out....
"F*c**... Me! My girlfriend's gone, too!!"
What would happen if you have a wooden car, with a wooden engine, and with a wooden key?
That car wooden start.
A drummer was standing outside of his car panicking because he accidentally locked his keys inside it.
It was a very hot sunny day and the bassist was still inside the car.
The Wooden Car
There was this guy who made a wooden car. It had wooden wheels, wooden tires, a wooden engine. But when he put the wooden key in, it wooden start.
Two Blondes leave a bar and realize they've locked their keys in the car.
After trying every door, attempting to call someone for help, and further debate, one blonde says to the other I bet I can unlock the doors with a coat hanger! I'll run inside and see if they have one!
The other blonde says Ok, well hurry because it looks like it's going to rain and the top is down!
What's the one thing you will never forget to bring when you're driving to work?
Your car keys
I caught someone keying my mother-in-law's car.
Just before he got away I managed to stop him.
I said, "Here, try mine, yours are looking a little blunt."
You ever lock your keys in your car at a Planned Parenthood?
Kinda awkward asking them for a coat hanger to unlock your car
What's the difference between a straight s**...'s club and a lesbian s**...'s club?
Instead of picking car keys out of a bowl, they each pick out a house key.
I locked my keys in my car yesterday.
Even worse, it was outside an abortion clinic.
I had to go in and ask for a coathanger.