Car Key Jokes
104 car key jokes and hilarious car key puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about car key that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Car Key Short Jokes
Short car key jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The car key humour may include short lost key jokes also.
- I accidentally locked my key in my car in front of an abortion clinic... They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.
- I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic They get really angry if you go in and ask for a coat hanger
- What is the worst part about locking your keys inside your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and asking for a coat hanger.
- What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of a Planned Parenthood? Going inside to ask for a coat hanger.
- What's worse than locking your keys in your car at the abortion clinic? When you have to go back in and ask for a coat hanger.
- What do locking your keys in the car and getting your girlfriend pregnant have in common? Both are easily fixed with a coat hanger.
- What's the worst thing about accidentally locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go in and ask for a coat hanger.
- I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.
- I made a car entirely out of pencils, rubbers, rulers and notebooks. Went to turn the key.. Stayed stationary.
- Why couldn't Elon Musk enter his house? Because his door was locked and he left the keys in his car.
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Car Key One Liners
Which car key one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with car key? I can suggest the ones about piano key and lost keys.
- Someone keyed the music teacher's car Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor
- One time I got so high, I was driving around looking for my car keys.
- What did the car say to the car keys? You turn me on.
- Why are pianists so punctual? They can't lock their keys in their car.
- Some guy keyed my car Now his keys have decreased in value
- I'll never cheat on another test... It keyed my car and told the cops I beat it up
- Last Father's Day my son gave me something I always wanted: the keys to my car.
- Why couldn't the car key get a date? Because everyone thought he was a little door key
- Some guy keyed my car I wonder how much they've depreciated in value
- What kind of pants do Bostonians wear? Car Keys
- What do you do when you see someone trying to steal your wife's car? Give him the key.
- Why did the key-chain get sassy? Because it got car-key.
- Some a**... just keyed my brand new car! Thankfully, the damage seems to B minor
- It's so freaking COLD outside I just keyed someones car with my n**... by accident!
Car Key Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about car key you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lock and key jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make car key pranks.
2 blondes in the rain...
2 blondes are leaving a bar when it starts pooring down rain. The first blonde realizes that she left the keys in the car and tries picking the lock. After a couple minutes of trying to open the door, the second blonde freaks out and says, "Hurry up! It's raining cats and dogs and the convertable top is down!"
Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......
.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.
A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. He gets in, starts the car, and drives off.
Needless to say, the cops follow him: for several miles. The man's driving was flawless, perfect and in accordance with all traffic laws.
Finally, they decide to pull him over anyway. They turn on their lights. He pulls over instantly. They ask him to step out of the car; he calmly complies. They check his license; it is valid, and clean. They give him several field sobriety tests, each harder than the last. He passes all with flying colors.
The two cops look at each other, then the man, and ask "Sir, you aren't drunk, are you?"
"No, I'm not," says the man.
"Then why were you acting drunk when you left the bar?"
"I'm tonight's DD."
"Designated Driver?"
"No, I'm the Designated Decoy. All of my drunk friends drove off the other way."
You aren't a monk.
A man is driving through a town and his car breaks down in front of a monastery. He decides to go up to the door and ask if he can stay the night and the monks let him. At night he is laying in his bed and he hears this extremely strange noise. In the morning he asks a monk what the strange noise was. The monk replied, "I can't tell you because you aren't a monk." The man accepted this fact, graciously thanked the monks for letting him stay, and went on his way. Three years later the man was driving through the same town and broke down in front of the same monastery. Again he asks the monks if he could stay the night, and they let him. And again at night he hears the strange noise. In the morning he asks and gets the same answer. Then he asks how he can become a monk. They reply, "Go count every blade of grass and every pebble in the world." The man comes back 43 years later and gives them accurate numbers. They let him become a monk and the first thing he does is ask to see what the noise was. They take him to a wooden door. He reaches for the handle and its locked. They give him a key, then he happens upon a stone door. Locked. He goes through every kind of door you could possibly think of as they give him keys for each. Then he gets to a diamond door and they give him a key and he unlocks it. Then he opens it and is completely amazed. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Imagine if you locked your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic
talk about convenient. You could just go inside and get a coat hanger to pick the lock.
What a dumb blonde... wait...
*Blonde goes into a bank
Blonde: I need a loan for $5,000.
Bank-teller: We'll need some sort of deposit.
Blonde: Ok, here's the keys to my car (Mercedes-Benz S600)
*Blonde leaves
Bank-teller(laughing): She's so s**...! Leaving a $100,000 car as a deposit for a $5,000 loan.
*Bank-teller parks car in secret underground parking garage. Then he does research on the blonde and finds out she's a multimillionaire.
Bank-teller: She's an idiot! Why would she borrow $5,000 if she's a multimillionaire?
*Two weeks later
*Blonde comes back and pays bank-teller $5,000 with $15.41 interest
Bank-teller: Why would you borrow $5,000 and leave an expensive car here if you're a multimillionaire?
Blonde: Where else in New York City can you park a $100,000 car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it not to get stolen?
*
A Blond walks into a gas station...
and asks the employee: "I locked my keys in the car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"
Ten minutes later a trucker comes in and can't stop laughing. So the employee asks him why he is laughing. The trucker says: "There is a Blond who tries to open her car with a coat hanger!" The employee: "So what? This could happen to anyone." Trucker: "Sure, but usually there isn't another Blond in the car who yells: a little more right / a little more left! "
Borrowed Car
One day Phil had to borrow a car, so he asked his friend Bob. Bob said that it was fine, so he gave Phil the keys and told him to return them by the end of the day. A week later, Phil hadn't returned the car. Bob called Phil angrily and asked why he hadn't given it back yet. Phil replied, "I drove by your house a bunch of times, but I didn't see your car in the driveway, so I thought you weren't home!"
A trucker and a blonde.
A trucker is driving down a busy highway when he is abruptly cut off by a blonde woman in her car. Tired and grumpy from driving all day, he quickly pulls along side of the woman's car and forces her to stop on the shoulder of the highway. The trucker and the woman get out of their vehicles. The trucker takes a rock and draws a circle around the blonde.
"Don't you dare set foot outside this circle," the trucker orders.
He walks over to the blondes car and keys the side of it. When he returns, the woman is standing in her circle giggling. This angers the trucker even more. He proceeds to grab a bat out of his semi and smash the mirrors off the woman's car. When the trucker returns to the woman, she is still standing in her circle laughing. Enraged, the trucker takes a gas tank out of his semi, douses the woman's car in gas, and sets it on fire. The woman bursts into hysteria.
"I just totaled your car!! What is so funny?!" The trucker shouts.
The blonde replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
A drunk is walking around downtown...
When he walks up to a cop to complain that his car has been stolen.
The cop asks, "Well, where was the last place you saw it?"
The drunk says, "It was right here at the end of this key."
The cop says, "Well, I suggest you go over to the station house and fill out a report."
The drunk starts to walk away when the cop says, "Hey, before you go, you might want to zip your fly."
The drunk looks down and says, "Aw, man, they got my girl, too."
A drunk walks up to a cop...
Drunk: "Man, somebody stole my car..."
Cop: "Where was your car when it got stolen?"
Drunk: "Right here on the end of this key."
Cop: "Well maybe you should go down to the precinct, and they'll fill out all the proper paper work. But before you go, you might want to zip up your fly."
The drunk looks down and replies: "Man, they got my girl too..."
the most awkward time in my life
Was when I locked my keys in my car and had to walk into the nearby abortion clinic to ask to borrow a coat hanger.
The locked car...
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" His reply: "I know. I already got that side."
Locked my keys inside my car outside a abortion clinic
Found out I was too far along for an abortion, to make matters worse I locked my keys inside my car. I got the death look when I went back inside to ask if they had a coat hanger I could barrow.
Did you hear about the time the bassist locked his keys in his car?
It took like two hours to get the drummer out.
A blonde woman locks her keys inside her car...
And so she calls a locksmith to open it. When the locksmith (who is also blonde) gets there she pulls out her Slim Jim tool to open the door when she notices a problem, the driver side window to the car is wide open.
The locksmith looks to the driver and says, "Ma'am I can't use this tool on a door when the window is open, you're going to have to close it first."
LPT: If you c**... into a parked car and don't have a paper and pen..
simply use a key to scratch your insurance details on to the bonnet.
It's so cold outside...
I brushed against a car in the parking lot and accidently keyed it with my n**....
Townes Van Zandt joke
A police officer stops a drunk man on the street.
Officer: How are you doing this evening, sir?
Drunk: Officer, I think somebody stole my car.
Officer: Where did you last see it?
Drunk: Right at the end of this key.
Officer: Alright, buddy, why don't you just call a cab. And zip up your fly while you're at it.
Drunk: Ah, man, they got my girl too!
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.
They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out.
They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question.
We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire.
Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies,
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and
expect it to be there when I return?"
75 story hotel
Phil, Jim, and John were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a . After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear the elevators were broken, and they now had to climb 75 flights of stairs.
Phil said to Jim and John,"let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something more interesting. Hmm, I'll tell jokes the first 25 floors, Jim, you can sing songs the next 25 floors and John you can say your collection of sad stories."
The others agreed and they started the climb for their hotel room. At the 26th floor Phil stopped with his jokes and Jim started his songs. At the 51st floor songs stopped and John's sad stories started.
"I guess I'll begin with my saddest story first. I forgot the room key in the car."
(EDIT) FIXED THE GRAMMAR d**...
what is worse than locking your keys in your car parked at planned parent hood?
going inside to borrow a coat hanger
OJ's son must have been the m**.......
... because when he went to OJ that night to borrow his car keys, OJ said, "..go aXe your mother"
Somebody keyed my car..
They wrote "Cheater" and "pig" everywhere. I asked my girlfriend if she did it, and she said no. I don't know why anyone would write such a thing. I'll ask my wife when I get home tonight.
Locking your keys in the car is a lot like getting your girlfriend pregnant.
A coat hanger should take care of the problem.
Why did the blonde keep coat hangers under her seat?
In case she locks her keys in her car.
If there's one good thing about the election of Trump, it's the greatly lowered odds of being attacked by Russia.
After all, they're not going to key their own car.
A Russian alcoholic loses the key to car...
His wife wakes him from his drunken slumber.
"Where are the keys to the car!?" she demands.
"v**...? Whiskey?" he replies.
(read with Russian accent)
If I locked my keys in my car outside of a abortion clinic...
Would it be awkward to go inside and ask for a wire hanger?
A group of friends all live on the 200th floor of a building
One day they all come back from a trip and find out that the elevator to their floor has shut down and is under repair, so they're forced to take the long walk up the stairs.
To make the walk up a little more exciting, they decide to each tell a sad, terrifying, or depressing story every 20 floors. When they finally get to the top, the tenth friend gets to tell his story.
"I think I left the keys in the car."
i**... and Mikey
There was a father and two sons. The sons were called i**... and Mikey.
They stayed in their apartment while their dad went to the store. Unfortunately, their dad forgot the keys to his car. He shouted to i**..., "Throw my key out of the window!"
And then i**... threw his brother out of the window.
Did you hear about the reformed serial killer that murdered prostitutes by stabbing them with car keys?
He did the h**... key pokey then he turned himself around.
Don't you love having your gym pass on your keys? It's so convenient!
Every time they fall under my car seat, the pass makes it so easy to pick up!
So this drunk guy stumbles up to a cop...
And says, excuse me officer I lost my car and the officer says, well where did you see it last?
Guy: it was right here on the end of my key
Officer: Alright well head down to the station and they'll set you up with the proper paperwork, but before you go, you might want to zip up your fly
The man looks down and says, Awww man they got my girl too!
A father has two sons named Joe and Mikey and the live on the third floor of their apartment.
One day the father goes to store, but leaves the key to his car in the apartment. He see's Joe in the window and shouts to him, "throw my key out the window!"
Sadly, Mikey didn't survive the fall
A drunk is leaving a bar and heads to his car...
A police officer notices the drunk fumbling with the keys and knowing the iminent danger, says to the man, "where do you think you're going like this? You can barely walk!" The man then replies, "I know, that's why I'm driving!"
phsyically implausible excuses
i cant make it today i drove over my car keys
sorry i was late when i was walking over i tripped fell and accidently hung myself
A blonde walked into a gas station...
A blonde walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door."
"Why, sure," said the manager, "We have something that works especially for that."
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. He heard another voice. "No, no, a little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.
I caught someone keying my mother-in-law's car, so I walked over to him.
I said, "Try mine, yours are looking a little blunt."
A drunk guy walks out of a bar..
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging Out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his c**... and without Missing a beat, blurts out....
"F*c**... Me! My girlfriend's gone, too!!"
What would happen if you have a wooden car, with a wooden engine, and with a wooden key?
That car wooden start.
A drummer was standing outside of his car panicking because he accidentally locked his keys inside it.
It was a very hot sunny day and the bassist was still inside the car.
The Wooden Car
There was this guy who made a wooden car. It had wooden wheels, wooden tires, a wooden engine. But when he put the wooden key in, it wooden start.
Two Blondes leave a bar and realize they've locked their keys in the car.
After trying every door, attempting to call someone for help, and further debate, one blonde says to the other I bet I can unlock the doors with a coat hanger! I'll run inside and see if they have one!
The other blonde says Ok, well hurry because it looks like it's going to rain and the top is down!
A man runs out of petrol
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
`"Try it now,'' said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?''
"BP,'' answered the bee.
I thought someone stole my car keys, I looked for hours and was convince someone had grabbed them, later on I felt so s**... because I left them on top of my car
Turns out I lost them on my own accord
A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."
The 35 floors
A mother and her child drive home after a long day. They park, enter their building and notice the elevator is broken. The mother, exhausted, sighs and starts climbing the stairs to the 35th floor, where they lived.
-"Mommy..."
-"Not now, honey, I'm too tired to talk..."
-"But mommy!"
-"I said not now!"
When they get to the 35th floor, the mother asks: "what'd you want, sweety?"
-"To tell you you forgot the keys in the car"
home invader
A home invader breaks into a house and finds a couple in the bedroom and holds them at gunpoint.
The owner points to the woman and says, "You have to let her go right now.
You can have all the money and jewelry in the house, you can have my credit card and car keys.
You can even shoot me but you have to let her go right now." The gunman says,
"You must really love your wife."
"Yes and she will be home in 20 minutes."
90% of all traffic accidents are due to men. Do you know why?
Because they gave their wife the car key.
I accidentally locked my keys inside my car outside of a planned parenthood
Going inside to ask for a hanger was pretty akward.......
Two blondes are out shopping
When they're done they head back to their convertible, but suddenly realize they locked the keys inside the car.
While they stand there, not knowing what to do, one of the blondes finally has the bright idea to try and pick the lock with her bobby pin.
The other blonde looks up worriedly at the sky and says, "Hurry up! It's about to rain and we left the top down!"
Renes Descartes goes into a bar
The barkeeper asks him: "You want a beer?"
Descartes agrees and after that he drinks many more.
Later when he is quite drunk he grabs his keys and moves towards his car.
The barkeeper stops him from entering the car and asks him: "Do you really think, driving your state is a good idea?"
Descartes replies: "Yeah, you're right. I don't think..." and abruptly stops existing.
"I think your car just got keyed by some guy..." I told a man in the street.
"Can't you give me a better description?" he said.
"OK," I replied, "some gentleman swiped his tender hand across the metallic section of your motor vehicle, sir."
Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.
"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"
"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."
The same woman lost her car keys.
Her husband comes out and says, "What's wrong?"
She says, "I lost my keys!"
He takes off his trousers, rolls them into a ball and starts rubbing the ignition switch. Magically the vehicle starts up.
"WOW! How did you do that?"
"Honey, these are my cargo pants."
A woman accidentally locked her keys in her car and was pacing frantically on the side of the street, when a soldier from Boston passing by saw this and assured her that he could help. She looked on in amazement as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball...
...and rubbed them against the car door.
Magically, it opened!!
"That's incredible!!" the woman gasped. "How did you do it?"
"Easy..." replied the soldier. "These are my khakis."
Two blondes leave a restaurant and realize they've locked their keys in the car.
The husband fiddles with the door but isn't having any luck.
The wife says I know! I'll run inside and see if they have a coat hanger that we can use to Jimmy the lock!
The husband replies Great idea! But hurry, because it's about to rain and the top is down!
A woman is hugely upset and sobbing because she has locked her keys inside her car.
A passing soldier stops and assures her he can help, she looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens! Amazed she asks him how he did it, "Easy" he says,
"These are my khakis"
There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car...
The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"
The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."
The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"
The other one answered," No, people will think we're too s**... to use the coat hanger."
The other one said, "Well we better think of something quick because it's starting to rain and the sunroof is open."
An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?" "Yesh, Shombody shtole me car!",
The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key." About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "OOH GOD... they got me girl too!"
So this drunk guy stumbles up to a police officer
He said, "Officer, someone stole my car!"
The officer in disbelief asked him "Oh yeah where was it last?" The drunk replied "right on the end of this key."
The officer, clearly unimpressed and wanting to move on with his day said to him "Okay buddy, why don't you just take yourself down to the station. They'll have the proper paperwork for you to fill out there. But before you go, zip up your fly." The drunk looked down at his fly, and then back up at the police officer.
"s**..., they got my girl too."
A music teacher walks into a bar
As he is very upset he sees only one person sitting at the bar, who is actually a student of his.
He asks angry: "Are you the little s**... who keyed music notes on my car?!"
The student says: "Yes, but why are you so mad? The damage appears to B minor."
Mercedes for Sale @ $1
Someone put up this advertisement.
No one believed it, but one old man responded and went to see the car.
The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 kms, for $1.
She handed him the papers and the Car keys. Deal done.
As the old man was leaving, he said "I would die of suspense if you don't tell me why this car was sold so cheap?"
The Lady replied "I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased husband, where all money receievd from sale of his Mercedes would go to his Secretary".
The fireman looked at my burning car and said, Any idea how it started?
I said, I just had to use my keys.
Drunk walks up to a beat cop
Says, "Ociffer, somebody stole my car!"
Cop says, "well where was it when you last saw it?"
Drunk holds up his keychain says, "it was right here on the end of this key!"
Cop looks the drunk up and down, points over the drunks shoulder says, " you'll need to go down to the precinct to fill out the paperwork, it's 4 blocks down that way."
Drunk says, "thanks ociffer." Starts to turn around to walk down there.
Cop says, "you'd better zip up your pants before you go in there."
Drunk looks down at his pants, says "oh man, they got my girl too!"
A soldier finds a woman locked out of her car
A soldier finds a woman at the side of the road crying, and she tells him she's left her keys in her car. The soldier assures her that he can help.
She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.
"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"
"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."
Mercedes for Sale @ $100
Mercedes for Sale @ $100
Someone put up this advertisement.
No one believed it could be true so no one responded, but an old man responded and went to see the car.
The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 Kms, for $100.
She handed him the papers and the car keys.
Deal done.
As the old man was leaving, he said, "I shall die of suspense if you don't tell me why this car was sold so cheap?"
The Lady replied, "I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased husband, where it's written that the money received from the sale of his Mercedes would go to his Secretary ..."
A young woman was standing outside her car weeping. A soldier walks up and asks what the problem is.
It turns out she's locked her keys in the car.
"Simple," says the soldier and drops his trousers, takes them off, rolls them into a ball and rubs them on the door.
The door pops open.
"How did you do that?!" exclaimed the young woman.
"Easy," says the soldier, "These are my khakis."