JokoJokes

Car Jokes

169 car jokes and hilarious car puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about car that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for some hilarious car jokes? Look no further - we've got tons of them! Whether you're a gearhead or just love making bad puns, these car jokes are sure to get you revved up. So buckle up and enjoy the ride!

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Funniest Car Short Jokes

Short car jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The car humour may include short auto jokes also.

  1. What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car? A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
  2. While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
  3. My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her. Instead I just swam for the surface.
  4. Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
  5. If you run in front of a car you'll get tired... But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted
  6. Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic. AAA: This is AAA, not AA.
    Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.
  7. A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway COP: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
    miner: mine
  8. Why are women so bad at parking cars? Because for the last 200 years they've been told that three inches are actually six.
  9. What's the difference between elon musk and a lemur? elon musk made an electric car
    Lemurs Madagascar
  10. Me: The earth isn't flat! fiat earther: correct
    me: huh?
    fiat earther: it's the shape of an Italian car
    me: what?
    fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn't you?

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Car One Liners

Which car one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with car? I can suggest the ones about vehicle and transportation.

  1. New Teslas don't come with a new car smell They come with an Elon Musk.
  2. Yo mama so fat. . . I swerved my car to avoid hitting her and ran out of gas.
  3. Why did Elon Musk go broke? Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.
  4. Virginity is like a car Once you've had it 25 years, nobody else wants it either
  5. Hey girl, are you a parked car in July? Because I want to leave a baby in you.
  6. A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
  7. Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell? They have more of an Elon Musk.
  8. Yo momma is so fat… …her car has stretch marks.
  9. What's a three letter word that starts with gas? Car
  10. How do you get a dozen Americans out of a car? Tell them to stay inside the car.
  11. What has 3 letters and starts with gas? A car
  12. Teslas do not have New Car smell… They have an Elon Musk
  13. Someone keyed the music teacher's car Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor
  14. What car does Jesus drive? A Christler
    I'm so sorry...
  15. What do you call new car smell in a Tesla? Elon's Musk

Police Car Jokes

Here is a list of funny police car jokes and even better police car puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A police officer stopped my mom's car. Officer: First name?
    Mom: Frida
    Officer: Last name?
    Mom: Gomam
    Officer: So you're Frida Gomam?
    And my mom hit the accelerator.
  • A police man spots a blond driving a car and knitting at the same time. He gets her to roll down her window.
    Pull over he yells. No silly she replies it's a scarf !
  • A car is pulled over by the police.... "Is there a problem officer?"
    Cop: You were swerving a lot back there
    "Well I had 8 beers officer,"
    Cop: We'll that's no excuse to let your wife drive
  • If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.
  • What video game system do police officers play in their cars? Wii U, Wii U, Wii U...
  • I don't get why I just got seated in the back of the police car... I clearly called shotgun.
  • WANTED: Someone has stolen the wheels to the police cars The police is working tirelessly to find the suspect
  • The police arrested two suspicious men in a car park today. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
    They charged one and let the other one off.
  • Why do Boston police cars have blue lights? Because Boston drivers don't stop for red lights.
  • A man has been stealing wheels of police cars Police are working tirelessly to catch him
    Note: saw it on 9gag but I had to share it because I literally was laughing out loud

Parking Car Jokes

Here is a list of funny parking car jokes and even better parking car puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Parking a single car doesn't require much space. But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.
  • Elon Musk: Did you move my car? Team: Yeah.
    Elon: Into the parking space, like I asked?
    Team: Parking!?
  • People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
  • I put a bumper sticker on my car that says "honk if I'm pretty" Sometimes when I'm sad I go park at green lights
  • I saw someone try to park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn't see the driver so I'm not going to assume what gender she was.
  • At the spelling bee Judge: Your word is "there."
    Me: In a sentence please.
    Judge: They're parking their car over there.
  • Women are like car parking spaces... Usually, most of the good ones are taken....
    So once in a while, you gotta stick it in a disabled one
  • i got complimented on my driving earlier they left a note on the car saying parking fine
  • Turned up five minutes late so missed the rules... ...but I had an amazing time at this fight club last week, you should definitely look into it and maybe join, we fight in a car park every weekend.
  • Today I saw a car parked with a bumper sticker that said "I miss New york" So I smashed his window in and stole his radio.

Car Park Jokes

Here is a list of funny car park jokes and even better car park puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you do when you see a space man? Park the car, man.
  • I was travelling on the West Coast when I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that said: "I miss Detroit" ...so I broke a window, stole the radio, and left a note that said, "Hope this helps."
  • Missing South Africa In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
    "I miss South Africa."
    So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read:
    "I hope this helps."
  • The wardens at my University were always so nice. They always leave little notes on my car complimenting me, like, "parking fine".
  • Putting Your exam results on the window of your car So you can park in disabled spots.
  • What does a Jamaican do when he sees a spaceman? He parks his car, man.
  • What happens when you park your car 6.28 feet over the lines? It gets tau'd.
  • How many cars does it take to fill up a parking garage? A lot.
  • A frog parked his car in the handicapped spot. It got toad.
  • I'm bored Think I will go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car with my reverse lights on.

Car Accidents Jokes

Here is a list of funny car accidents jokes and even better car accidents puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I saved 15% on car insurance by switching.... The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident
  • My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident. He really loved that woman.
  • My girlfriend told me she wanted someone who treated her like a princess So I hired paparazzi to follow her and she died in a car accident.
  • What happens if you cross Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip? You die in a car accident in Paris.
  • So I got in a car accident with a dwarf today... As he stormed out of his car he banged on my window screaming, "I'm not happy!!"
    To which I replied, "Well then which one are you?"
  • I got into a car accident with a midget... He got out of his car, angrily shaking his fist and yelled, "I'm NOT happy!"
    "Well," I replied, "which one are you?"
  • My friend lost his toes in a car accident, so I punched him in the face I'm lack toes intolerant
  • Women are responsible for roughly 45% of car accidents Which is pretty high, considering the steering wheel isn't even on their side.
  • Why does the Toyota Prius have more accidents on record than any other car? It's really hard to drive safe while patting yourself on the back.
  • I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching... ...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

Giggle-Inducing Car Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends

What funny jokes about car you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean halt jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make car pranks.

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have s**...?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

Given that a radiator is essentially a vital o**... to a car, it's strange that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."

My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.
Out of nowhere, her s**... sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks Do you want to have s**... before she gets back?
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.

Are you Blonde?

A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"
The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, We're looking for two child molesters.
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
We'll do it.

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.

I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.

The first says, "My son is so successful, he's VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. "
The second says, " That's nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house."
The third says, "Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet."
They look expectantly at the last guy who says, "My son is a gay e**... who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients."

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. Dad, what music did you like growing up?

I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin, the father replies.
Who? the son asks.
Yeah, the dad responds, I liked them too.

Groaned a whole store with this one.

I was buying new tires for my car. While I was discussing my options the person down the counter was flustered at the prices she was being offered. To this she loudly asked:
"I put the same ones on my husbands Jeep last year! What happened? Why are they so expensive?!"
To which I looked at over and loudly stated. "Inflation."
The guys behind the counter laughed. The rest of the room groaned out a chorus of dadjoke music that should have been filmed live in front of a studio audience.

A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...

They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The patrons at the bar are amazed and even the Jedi has to admit it's a nice ride. They both end up saying it's a Good Car. The Mandalorian walks around the corner and after a few minutes comes screaming back on his jet pack and blows up the other cars. He has the Beskar.

My wife came home yesterday...

and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."
I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.
"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have s**...?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.
"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"
"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."

The American Government is just like a car...

If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)

Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car

The operator asks for his location.
Jack says I'm outside 28 Eucalyptus Road .
The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"
There's shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. Jack? says the operator, concerned. More shuffling and grunting.
Sorry about that says Jack. I just dragged him 'round to 1 Oak Street

The cop asked, "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?"

The miner replied, "Mine."

An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.

He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.
He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?"
The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday."

A guy sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish. The guy thinks about it and says "I want to be a powerful man in the world, and have a beautiful wife"

The next morning the guy awake in a unfamiliar room, and a beautiful woman said to him
"Wake up John, it's a busy day, we have a car tour in Dallas"

My wife was upset that the dog was considered man's best friend. She maintains that a spouse should be considered my best friend.

So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out?

This is an old joke that my teacher told me when I was little and most people probably already know it but I remember loving it.

A police officer pulls over a man who has penguins in the backseat of the car.
"Sir you can't have penguins in your car. Bring them to the zoo or something," the police officer tells the man.
The next day, the police officer sees the man again. Again, the penguins are in the backseat of the car.
"Sir, I told you to take the penguins to the zoo!"
"I did, Officer! Today I'm taking them to the movies."

A man is washing his car with his son...

...after a while the boy says to his Father Dad, why can't we just use a sponge?

My wife shouted at me to go out and find her some tampons, quick!

So, I sprinted to the car, paced down the street, rushed into the store, frantically looking down each aisle until I finally got to the tampons, hurried back to my car and raced home as fast as I could! I burst in through the front door, ran up the stairs, slammed open the bathroom door and shouted, "Walmart, halfway down aisle 10, bottom shelf!"

A Sunday school teacher posed a question to her class, "If I were to sell my house, car, donate my possessions to charity, and give all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

The children unanimously replied, "No."
The teacher then asked, "If I were to keep the church clean, mow the lawn, and keep everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"
Once again, the answer was a resounding "No."
Apparently perplexed, the teacher asked, "Well, then how can I get into heaven?"
A quick-witted five-year-old boy piped up and replied, "You have to be dead!"

The traffic jam in Russia.

There is a massive traffic jam somewhere in Russia. A driver sits idling in his car.
Suddenly a man approaches and knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Putin and are asking for a 20 million rubel ransom!
Otherwise, they are going to douse him in gasoline and set him on fire!"
The man continues "We are going from car to car taking up a collection."
The driver asks "Okay, how much is everyone else giving?"
The man replies "Oh, about a gallon or so."

Pull

A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn't move.
"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn't budge.
"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.
Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy's blind," said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

Cargo Owl Joke

Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.

Cop on Patrol

A cop is patrolling at night and sees a car parked in lover's lane.
He knocks on the window, when it's rolled down he sees a guy in the front seat playing on his phone and a girl in the back seat reading a magazine.
The cop says What's going on here?
The guy says, nothing at all officer.
Cop says Let's see some ID, how old are you? The guy hands the cop his license and says he's 27.
The cop says, And her, how old is she?
The guy looks at his watch and says
She will be 18 in exactly 9 minutes.

A young woman was standing outside her car weeping. A soldier walks up and asks what the problem is.

It turns out she's locked her keys in the car.
"Simple," says the soldier and drops his trousers, takes them off, rolls them into a ball and rubs them on the door.
The door pops open.
"How did you do that?!" exclaimed the young woman. 
"Easy," says the soldier, "These are my khakis."

"When one door closes, another opens", he said.

"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."
Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.

"I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."

I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore...

They were real nice. Car started right up, and they even helped me with directions back to the interstate.

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..

He drove a Honda.
But he didn't like talking about it.
John 12:49 :
> For I did not speak of my own Accord.

Two Police officers.

Two police officers c**... their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:
Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.

Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone

It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.
She says - "I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph"
Officer - "That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road"
Then he notices 3 other older ladies in the back seat whose faces were white as a sheet.
He asks the driver whats wrong.
Her - "Oh, we just came off I-215"

The genie of the lamp

Two neighbours, one is rich and the other is poor.
The poor have a magic lamp : Every morning,he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" ,and the poor asks for a cup of tea.
The rich neighbour,envious of the magic lamp,said to the poor : i'll give you my car and my house in exchange of the lamp." The poor accepted the deal.
The rich man wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" he asked for a very big house and a better car.the genie replied : « Sorry sir,i only serve tea and coffee »

My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said wow that's an amazing car.

If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year.

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

A policeman stops a car... Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?

Miner: Mine.

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor...

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.
"Screw you" she screamed back at me.
Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

A circus performer is driving home after a long day of training, when he is pulled over by a police officer for a broken light.

The officer looks in the car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
Sir, he says, Why do you have all those knives?
They're for my juggling act, the circus performer replies.
I don't believe you, says the cop. Prove it. So the performer gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives flawlessly.
Just at that moment, a car with two guys in it drives by. "Wow, says one to the other. I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard.

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

So I was having s**... with this woman...

I had her bent over her kitchen table, giving it to her good. When all of a sudden we heard a car door slam out front.
Oh god, she said, it's my husband. Quick, use the back door!
Well, I probably should have left at that point, but it's not an offer you get everyday...

A woman wakes up to her husband crying in bed today

"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having s**... in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."

I call my car the p**... Wagon'

Because that's where I go to cry.

I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore.

The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.

Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car...

Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a
car...
... And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, a**...!" shouts Schroedinger.
The cop moves to arrest them.
Ohm resists.

A cop is out on patrol, and sees a car parked in the local lover's lane, with the windows all steamed up.

He knocks on the drivers window, and the guy inside rolls it down. The cop sees that there is a guy sitting in the front seat, fully clothed, and a girl in the back seat, also fully clothed.
"What are you up to here, son?"
"Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine, as you can see."
"And what's she doing back there?"
"I think she's playing a game on her phone."
"Have you been drinking tonight?"
"No, sir. I'm only twenty."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Sir, in eleven minutes she'll be eighteen."

My boss was honest with me today.

He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

I washed the car with my 5 year old son today.

When we finished, he said, Next time dad, can you use a sponge?

Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

Told an inmate to have a safe drive home.

I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:
Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making f**... engine noises, screeches the brakes, steps out of his car and into his cell. Pokes his head out) "Made it home safe dad"
Me and my coworker burst out laughing

Me: The earth isn't flat

Me: The earth isn't flat.
Fiat earther: Correct.
Me: huh?
Fiat earther: It's shaped like an Italian car.
Me: what?
Fiat earther: You read my name wrong, didn't you?

Cop pulls over bad driver

Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?
Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af
Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car

Funniest thing my gf has ever said

We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).
Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her.
GF: Maybe she's deaf and she's singing to herself.

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?

My 2 year old told his first joke.

We were walking down to the car and he put his hands in his pockets. He says oh mummy what's that in my pocket.
I dont know sweetheart let's see what it is
Pulls out his hands and shouts 'my hands' and does jazz hands and kills himself laughing.
He takes after his dad. His smile and laughter made my day.

Are you sweating while putting petrol in your car? Feeling sick when paying for it?

You've got the carownervirus.

A drunk driver is being interrogated

Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top
Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..
Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.
Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that o**... to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?
Detective : well, I would have turned for the o**...
Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.

jokes about car